Lomblog

2006-10-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

He's Made Up His Mind

African Boy Disavows Madonna Adoption, Holds Out For Brangelina

2006-10-13T18:46:00.000-07:00

The North Korean Landslide

Results of yesterday's Webpoll.

Favorite Title For Kim Jong-Il
Kaboom Daddy (2) 18.18%
K-Threat (7) 63.64%
Il B. Sure (2) 18.18%

Thanks to everyone who voted. I'll be forwarding your responses to Pyongyang shortly.

2006-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Question Of The Day

What's your favorite title for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il? Take our poll.

Kim Jong-Il

PollPub.com VoteFavorite Title For Kim Jong-Il

Your responses will be closely monitored by Asian meteorologists.

2006-10-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

Later

The Outlaw

Kim Jong-il Busted For 'Shrooms

2006-10-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

A Look At This Week's Newsstand

Today was a federal holiday, so most US subscribers to the major newsweeklies will have to wait another day before receiving the latest issues. The covers, however, have been online since early Sunday morning, and have already been major blog-bait.

The dominant story this week: Foleygate.

This is Newsweek's cover. Very clever, I think - especially that frowny-face smiley in place of the 'O'. Though, for the sake of historical accuracy, they should've used an authentic AIM emoticon:

A face that looks strikingly like Mark Foley anyway.

This is Time depicting "the end of the Republican revolution" with the hindquarters of an elephant, the party's traditional symbol. Again, a very arresting, very apt image.

But not the original cover. I have a friend at Time who told me they toyed around with a slightly different concept before settling on the elephant rear:

Now that's a memorable cover. But I guess the Time folks thought it would too disturbing for middle America. Pity.

The Foley scandal is one of those unique political soap operas that grabs the attention of publications that don't normally provide extensive coverage of national affairs. A magazine like People, for instance - which happens to have a major scoop related to this story:

Continuing the elephant theme, even National Geographic has a cover piece that seems connected to the Foley scandal:

What genius will next week's mags bring? Stay tuned.

2006-10-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Columbus Day

2006-10-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

Saturday Matinee: Swimming Cats!

It's the weekend - what better time to catch a movie? Direct from soon-to-be Google subsidiary YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention - it's another edition of Saturday Matinee.

Tonight: a visit to a cat swimming school, as seen in Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.

Don't try that at home.

2006-10-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

Coming Shortly

Yougle

Search Engine Juggernaut Formulates Plans To Buy Out Its Users

2006-10-05T23:55:00.001-07:00

Startling New Evidence Of A "State Of Denial"

By Special Guest Blogger, Bob Woodward

In my new book, State Of Denial, I chronicle the Bush administration's tragic failures in Iraq. As usual in my investigative work, I conducted hundreds of interviews in a two-year-long quest to learn the truth, as both current and former government officials see it. But not all of these discussions made it into print. Only now can I reveal the content of some of my exchanges, such as an alarming conversation I had in April of this year.

More or less by accident, I happened to make the acquaintance of a longtime Republican office-holder, a member of the House leadership who had loyally supported the president. But this GOP stalwart was beginning to have serious reservations about the administration's conduct of Iraq policy. The source insisted on speaking to me exclusively through communications over the Internet, and would identify himself only by his AOL Instant Messenger username "Maf54." What he would reveal in these conversations shocked me.

Over the course of our two-hour chat, "54" repeatedly made his concern explicit: the Administration was badly failing the troops. Like his colleagues, he had dutifully voted for war appropriations requests, even when he felt there were far more pressing matters immediately at hand. But now his doubts - bubbling just beneath the surface for years - had grown, to the point where, in his words, they had "reached rock."

The Republican told me he had initiated contact with many young servicemen, and to a person, they expressed unease. He had tried to reach out to numerous others, but indicated that several seemed so disillusioned by the government's conduct of the Iraq mission that they refused to speak with him, either online or when he offered to visit them in person. This situation so profoundly saddened him that he recalled multiple occasions where he literally welled up at the plight of these brave young men - some just barely out of high school - who had signed up to serve their country.

As a man who took special interest in the personal security of American youth, he was particularly incensed that so many in the military seemed to lack the proper equipment to protect their bodies, and had been forced to rely heavily on their "great legs running" to escape physical harm. He told me shocking stories of soldiers so desperate to raise cash for body armor that they consented to selling lurid photos of themselves to older men on the Internet. He was unsure of how common this practice was but committed himself to doing the research necessary to bring this shame to public light in future congressional hearings.

After this portion of our talks, "Maf54" signed off abruptly. I would not speak to him again, though a Washington Post researcher later bumped into him while browsing the electronic games section of a DC-area Sam Goody's.

The source has now been publicly identified as a former Florida congressman.

You will have the opportunity to read the complete transcripts of my conversations with "Maf54" in future printings of State Of Denial, and more transcripts will appear in the paperback edition of State Of Denial, which will be released sometime next year.

2006-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

I Resign

Clearly, the people have spoken:

Too Much Foley?
Yea (3) 42.86%
Nay (2) 28.57%
Don't stop, I'm almost there (2) 28.57%

Those are the results of Wednesday's Webpoll. So I hereby resign from non-stop coverage of the Foley saga.

I make this decision with a heavy heart, with full knowledge that there are things like this out there:

I know the recovery process won't be easy. But I have confidence the Lomblog reader community - or 43% of it - will be with me every step along the way.

For those of you that voted differently, let's remember that special time we shared, when a fair-haired Congressman with a twinkle in his eyes and laptop in lockdown captured our fancy and wouldn't let go, until we were forced to report him to Rep. John Shimkus, head of the House Page Board.

Rep. Mark Foley

Memo-ries...

I swear on the soul of John Walsh the next post won't even have the word "Foley" in it!

2006-10-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Later

All The Way With JMK?

John Mark Karr Released From Prison, Announces Bid For Congress

2006-10-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Question Of The Day

Is Lomblog devoting too much coverage to the Foley scandal? Take our poll.

Rep. Mark Foley

PollPub.com VoteToo much Foley?

We'll be measuring your responses all day...

2006-10-03T23:43:00.001-07:00

Mo' Breakin': The One Foley-Related Webpage That Hasn't Been Scrubbed

Once news broke of Rep. Mark Foley (R-U Hard?) and his ongoing bout with Demon Lil' Johnny, many websites immediately purged all their glowing references and smilin' photos of the man who put the "member" in "former member of Congress". Even the NAMBLA site removed their 2003 citation of Foley as "Congressman of the Year". Because of this, the Google well of post-facto Foley weirdness is beginning to run dry. Forcing me to take a different route: Yahoo! Image Search

While doing some research for the last post, I stumbled across this page, which looks to be circa 1997-ish. It documents Congressman Foley's visit to a Florida middle school enrolled in NASA's now-defunct Virtual Science Mentor Program.

As you can see, not only are there shots of Alias "Maf54" sitting with students and gazing (wistfully?) at a computer screen, but there's some very entertaining text as well:

Our school year started with a flair and ended that way, too. On May 27th, we were fortunate to have Congressman Mark Foley visit as we were videoconferencing with our mentor, Mike Generale. [Editor: I believe this is called "camming" now] Just as Mike recommended that students should write their congressman, in walked Congressman Foley! [With ice cream!] Students were able to learn about the interaction between government and science.[Insert your own "Foley plays Mr. Wizard" joke here]

To close our class, Congressman Foley described life as a United States Congress member. We learned about his recent visit with President Clinton and ride on Air Force One. By the way, Congressman Foley does an excellent impression of President Clinton!

Oh boy.

Now the Republicans have an angle: it was all a Fred Travalina-esque comedy routine! Inspired by...a Democrat!!!

FOLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to imagine President Bill Clinton if he were into young boys.

I think it might go something like this.....(turns around)

When he's out of rehab, you just know he'll knock 'em dead in Branson.

2006-10-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

Breaking: Mark Foley Comes Out!

At an afternoon press conference jam-packed with reporters and excuses, the lawyer for ex-Congressman Mark Foley (R-Horny) dropped this unexpected bombshell:

Mark Foley wants you to know that he is a gay man.

OMG!

Mark Foley is gay!?!?

You mean....

this Mark Foley?

This guy?

Maybe my gaydar is busted from all these years in Hollywood but I never would've guessed it.

Whoa...whoa...gimme a minute. So many shocks these last few days...it's a little hard to process it all.

Next, someone's going to suggest the congressman took some kind of undue interest in being around young men.

Lord protect this child...from future revelations.

2006-10-02T22:18:00.001-07:00

Coming Up

You've Got Meltdown

Republicans Deny Knowledge Of Foley E-Cards

2006-10-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

When Foley Met O'Reilly

Q. What's red, white & blue and clammy all over?

A. Mark Foley and Bill O'Reilly in a two-shot.

Yes, hard to believe, but not so long ago, Congressman Foley appeared on The O'Reilly Factor to discuss his crusade to build a national sex-offender registry list as comprehensive as his collection of teenage contact details.

Courtesy Wonkette, it's a visit to the No-Sense-Of-Irony Zone:

You know, that was only May but I feel safer already.

As much attention as the Foley story has attracted so far, there are still many angles yet to be explored. With that in mind, I'd like to present the following reconstruction of what might have happened after Mr. O'Reilly invited Rep. Foley to appear on his show that night.

Note: all the dialogue included in this exchange is based on actual conversations that have been publicly documented.

Foley: i am in pensecola...had to catch a plane

O'Reilly: Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think I'd do...

Foley: I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you

O'Reilly: Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around...

Foley: now in my hotel room

O'Reilly: yeah we'd check into the room, and we would order up room service and uh and you'd definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get 'em into you...

Foley: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beautiful

O'Reilly: You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back...

Foley: love details

O'Reilly: rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water...and um...

Foley: i like steamroom

O'Reilly: you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda' put my arm - it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it...

Foley: well dont ruin my mental picture

O'Reilly: I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I'll appreciate it. I mean it.

See you on The Factor, Congressman.

Foley: Looking forward to it.

Ok, I admit it: I took some liberties and made up the last two sentences. But it sounds pretty real, doesn't it?

2006-10-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Latest

Foley Checks Into Rehab

Q. What do you call it when Mel Gibson and Mark Foley get drunk together?

A. The Worst Bar Mitzvah Ever

More Lomblog Scandal Watch later...

2006-10-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday Matinee: Special Sunday Edition

(In honor of National Hispanic Heritage Month)

¿Es el fin de semana - qué hora mejor para una película? Sí, es hora para otra edición del Matinee de Sábado, gracias a la invención ma's grande, YouTube.

Hoy...Bugs Bunny!

¿Ese Elmer Fudd es realmente algo, no?

(Univision, escríbame)

2006-09-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

Congressman Mark Foley's Virtual Townhall Meeting

Yesterday, Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley was forced to resign after revelations that he had sent sexually explicit instant messages to underage male congressional pages. For many in Foley's district, this news was quite shocking. But constituents who attended Foley's online "town meeting" back in June were perhaps less surprised...

Maf54: hi im congressman Mark Foley and welcome to my first live chat!

my apologies for the delay in getting started...i just rode 25-miles on my bike so im all hot and sweaty...but totally pumped about answering your questions!

lets get to it!

Marsha: Hi, Congressman Foley.

Maf54: hi marsha!

Marsha: I have a question about education. As the mother of twins who just completed their first year in high school, school funding is a big concern of mine.

Maf54: m or f?

Marsha: Huh?

Maf54: sorry...are your twins male or female?

Marsha: Oh. Not quite sure why it matters, but they're both girls.

Maf54: well marsha...im not on any of the education committees this year...but if you like...you could send your question to my staff and they might get back to you later...ok?

Marsha: Ok.

Maf54: thanks!

Peter: Hi, Congressman.

Maf54: hi peter!

Peter: Given the last response, I don't know if you can answer this, but I have a question about student loans.

Maf54: go ahead!

Peter: I've been thinking about applying for college aid next year.

Maf54: cool...how old are you now?

Peter: I'll be 18 in December.

Maf54: wow...from the tone of your question you sound much older...

Peter: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Maf54: what do you want for your birthday? what kind of stuff do you like to do?

Peter: ????

Maf54: ok...student loans is a very complex issue...but if you want... there are some documents i could send from my computer...do you have AIM?

Peter: Uh, Congressman, I really need to get back to studying. Thanks.

Maf54: but its summer break!

ok,,,,who else has a question?

Denise: Hello Mark!

Maf54: hi denise...are you the denise i think you are?

Denise: Sure am. I do have a question, but first I want to brag on you a bit!

Maf54: im blushing already!

Denise: Whenever someone says to me there are no decent people left in Congress, I always say, "You haven't met Mark Foley." He is what some of my Jewish friends here in South Florida call a mensch. When my son had a big soccer game, Congressman Foley was there. When my other son was competing in a wrestling championship, the congressman dropped everything he was doing and flew back to the district. When my daughter came back from serving in Iraq, Mark couldn't be there - both his grandmas were having surgery - but he sent a very nice note! That's just the kind of man he is.

I tell you, sometimes I think we don't need to re-elect Mark Foley, we need to clone him.

Maf54: haha now i have to rethink my stance on cloning! but trust me...theres more than enough of me to go around!

seriously,,,denise...i have a big night ahead of me...whats your question?

Denise: More a statement than a question: I've been having a lot of trouble with e-mails to your website. I wrote you from my personal address a bunch of times last year and it took me forever to get anything back. But when I sent an e-mail from my son's account, I got a response within an hour, asking for photos and if I wanted tickets to see Good Charlotte.

Maf54: oh...sorry about that...

Denise: I'm just hoping your webmaster isn't a Democrat or somebody trying to embarrass you.

Maf54: dont worry about it,,denise...that person has been disciplined very severely...and thank you for those pictures you sent

Denise: Anytime! Did you like my haircut?

Maf54: of course...i love the new pageboy!

Peter: Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

Maf54: peter...your back! you have a question about health care?

2006-09-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Take The Quiz

Which Scandal-Ridden Republican Are You?

Whoever you are, you're in big trouble. And stop e-mailing my kid!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

More later...

2006-09-29T16:30:00.001-07:00

More Help Needed

Hello friends,

Thanks for all who responded to my last help request. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to nail down that Pope story but I did learn about some great dance clubs in Vatican City.

Anyway, I have a new story I'm working on, and again, I need your help.

I just received word from a trusted source that Senator George Allen (R-VA) once played Tevye in a production of Fiddler On The Roof.

If you or anyone you know has credible information on this matter, contact me.

Thanks.

2006-09-28T23:31:00.001-07:00

The Senate Debates Torture

Just hours ago, the Senate approved a measure establishing military tribunals for terror suspects. The bill also granted the president wide latitude in defining acceptable methods of interrogation.

By all accounts, this vote was historic, and so was the action on the Senate floor today.

First, the chamber debated an amendment introduced by Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) that would have restored habeas corpus rights absent from the original legislation. The Senate rejected the Spector amendment on a mostly party-line vote, 51-48. Then, by the same margin, the Republican majority voted to strip Sen. Spector naked and douse him with freezing cold water.

Later, Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) offered another amendment. This one would've established Congressional oversight over CIA detention programs. It failed 53-46. Afterwards, senators voted 50-49 to cover Sen. Rockefeller with a hood and chain him to his desk for the remainder of the session.

After a recess, the body debated an amendment from Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) that would've forced Congress to reconsider the legislation at the end of five years. Once again, the amendment failed. But a resolution to lead large rabid dogs into Mr. Byrd's cubbyhole during the Senator's appointed naptime was passed 52-47.

Finally, liberal stalwart Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) introduced an amendment designed to protect Americans captured abroad from extreme questioning techniques, such as waterboarding. It too was voted down, 53-46. Shortly thereafter, Kennedy exited the Capitol and made a quick dash across the Potomac River. But he returned in time for the evening vote.

What a day! I've always heard that seeing the legislative process up-close was like "watching sausage being made" but I never knew it could really be such a meat-grind!

2006-09-27T23:38:00.001-07:00

History At The Auction Haus

Yesterday, a series of paintings and sketches allegedly created by Adolf Hitler collectively fetched $220,000 at a British auction.

For most people, the very concept of "Hitler art" - much less a Hitler art auction - is distasteful. Yet it may be worth reviewing some of the work exhibited at this event, if only to gain further insight into the mind of history's most notorious mass murderer.

So let's look briefly at Hitler the painter.

This is The Church of Preux-au-Bois, a Hitler landscape which received the largest bid at Tuesday's auction. It's a fairly standard painting of its type; the kind of thing that - give or take a few minor touches - could hang on the walls of any hotel in America. Yet there is something haunting about it. I can't figure it out. But I'd say that behind the vivid colors in this piece is a distinctly Teutonic gloom.

This is another painting in much the same vein. I couldn't find a title for it online but I understand the major Hitler art collectors call it Kitten in the Woods. The art style is a little more realistic; you have to (grudgingly) admire the sense of perspective. Again, there is something disturbing here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it's just too hard to separate the work from its creator.

Ok, this one is a little different. It's a still life - the kind of thing every art student is asked to put forth at some point. Nothing too impressive here. Though there is something pleasing about this piece - something that despite what I know of its origins somehow makes me feel welcome.

That, apparently, is rare for a Hitler.

Regardless, I think it's fair to the say the Great Dictator was mostly a Great Mediocrity when it came to expressing himself on canvas.

2006-09-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Help Needed

Hello readers,

I'm going to need your help with something. I recently received a tip from a confidential source who says that in private conversations over a five-year period, Pope Benedict XVI repeatedly used the phrase "badonkadonk".

If you or anyone you know can verify this, contact me.

Thanks.

2006-09-26T23:41:00.001-07:00

Up Next

Harried, But Not Dead

Intelligence Officials Confused On Bin Laden Status

2006-09-23T16:37:00.001-07:00

Saturday Matinee: And Then There's Madame

It's the weekend. What better time to relax by the flickering light of grainy old videos uploaded to the Internet? Thanks once again to YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention - it's another edition of Saturday Matinee.

Today's installment features two grand dames who made their mark in 1970s show business, Bea Arthur and Madame. Bea, of course, needs no introduction. But for those of you who weren't around or have suppressed your memories, Madame cut a wide swath through the puppet-loving heart of middle America in the late stagflation years. She even had her own show, Madame's Place - which locally used to air on Sunday nights just before my bedtime, and may explain why Lombaire Fan is still a light sleeper.

SPOILER: the following footage is disturbing on multiple levels. Enjoy.

You can add Madame to your MySpace list here.

2006-09-22T19:36:00.001-07:00

Americans For Torture Speak Out

An e-mail I received today:

Dear Friend,

Today, the pro-torture movement took a major step forward. The compromise worked out between the White House and congressional Republicans isn't perfect, but it represents a significant advance for the cause of government-sponsored sadism.

When the Pro-Torture Coalition was founded in 1997 - by Augusto Pinochet, Henry Kissinger and Rick James - people laughed at us. But now our views are mainstream, with supporters in all three branches of the US government, and among more independent-minded members of the CIA and military. Regardless of what happens in this year's elections, we aren't going away. We have just begun to fight - and to inflict brutal, physical, emotional and mental pain on our adversaries through a variety of diabolically complex methods.

We'd like to thank some who have graciously, if belatedly, embraced our position. Senator John McCain, in particular, deserves kudos for recognizing the president's inherent right to decide what is and isn't torture, despite his personal conflict on this issue.

But as always, we can't stop now.

Yes, we may have scored a touchdown but the game isn't over. Organizations like Amnesty International are still on the playing field, raising money at glitzy Hollywood fundraisers and repeating the same tired old saws about "preserving human dignity" and "upholding the Geneva Convention." Some of these self-rightous "activists" won't be satisfied until no one is tortured. Imagine if we took a position that extreme.

Fortunately, there are ways to help. Contribute directly or click the link below to visit the Americans For Torture giftshop. There you can buy stickers with our slogan, "If You Outlaw Torture, Only Outlaws Will Torture"; and t-shirts with the legend, "If You Don't Approve Of Waterboarding, You're All Wet."

Every cent earned from these products will insure that someone, somewhere is brutally mistreated.

Support AFT: the fight is yours - whether you know it or not.

Signed,
Alberto Gonzales
Ann Coulter
Trent Reznor

Paid For By TorturePAC '06

2006-09-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: September 22, 2004

"Axis Of Easy Listening"

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage!

2006-09-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

Mahmoud Takes Manhattan

Iranian President Visits UN, Guests On The View

2006-09-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ready For Prime Time At Last!

On TV, the Big 4 are rolling out the "big guns" of their fall line-up this week - new shows (like the old) which feature various combinations of Charlie Sheen, leggy attorneys and cadavers. Now, I have a lot of friends in the TV industry, but I'm sort of not-so-secretly hoping that all of them fail over the next few months. That isn't cold-bloodedness - it's pragmatism. You see, I have a series in development with a distinct chance of possible pick-up as a mid-season replacement.

Ok, for those of you who aren't insiders and may be unfamiliar with some of the lingo: "development" refers to a production that's being "developed" by one of the networks. "Pick-up" is when a program's been "picked up" for air. And "mid-season replacement" is what they call a series that "replaces" an existing show in the "middle" of the TV season (which follows the Jewish calendar, or so my friends at Icon tell me).

Anyway, this is what I've been working on:

They say, "Write what you know", and I took it to heart. Studio Apartment 6A is about life behind the scenes at a major humor blog. Sean Astin, of LOTR fame, plays the character based on me, Rumbaire Lover; Eddie Griffin (Undercover Brother) is Bingo, the guy who delivers my pizza when I'm stuck in Photoshop; and Lomblog spiritual advisor Jenifer Edsel is portrayed by the likeness of Anne Frank.

It's all there - the humor, the pathos, the misleading time-stamps. I couldn't have written it if I didn't live it, and if I didn't live it, I wouldn't have written it.

So, remember, Studio Apartment 6A: coming to prime time soon. Maybe real soon, if that Jeffrey Tambor/John Lithgow show bites it hard.

Let's keep our fingers crossed.

2006-09-17T23:29:00.001-07:00

TV History Unearthed

This week, the long-running CBS reality show Survivor made its season debut. The series is especially controversial this year, with the producers' decision to separate the tribes by race.

It's not a Survivor first, however. I recently came across an old issue of TV Guide from the show's very first season. As you'll see from this ad, the program has always pushed the envelope on race relations.

Always helps to look back, doesn't it? Granted, Jeff Probst is a very different host than George Wallace.

In the same vein, I'm looking forward to the American debut of Germany's new hit, Dancing With The Semites. Should be fun.

2006-09-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

The Return Of Saturday Matinee

It's the weekend. What better time to revisit a popular Lomblog feature of old? A special segment each week, where the dusty bric-a-bracs of our cultural basement are brought forth once again, courtesy YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention. Yes, it's the return of Saturday Matinee.

Today's feature: a 1932 live performance by Eddie Peabody, the Jimi Hendrix of the banjo. As you'll see, his unique stage presence and sexual charisma are as potent today as they were back then.

My lighter is aloft.

2006-09-14T23:23:00.001-07:00

One Word

Comment, you bastards!

2006-09-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

Politico Ad Absurdum: Cats Vs. Dogs

The 2006 election season is officially underway. Election coverage has long been a staple of Lomblog. But this year, we're hoping to look at the campaigns through a more ...well, abstract lens. It's part of what I'm hoping will become a regular feature this fall, Politico Ad Absurdum.

Tonight, we envision a hypothetical political race between cats and dogs.

First, a message from the Dogs.

Now, the Cat counterresponse.

Let the best-loved housepet win.

2006-09-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

Straight Ahead

Fashion Week In New York

With Naomi Campbell Still At Large, How Safe Is The Runway?

2006-09-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Quick Takes

Unusual for me, I know. But here's some random thoughts on recent happenings:

The 9-11 Movie

Tonight, ABC aired part one of The Path To 9/11, a controversial docu-dramedy loosely based on actual events. A lot of liberal blogs tried to get the film pulled, saying it was unfair to former President Clinton. Is it? Well, I don't know. But having caught a bit of Path myself, I can say the movie brought forth some startling revelations. Like: I had no idea that Clinton's anti-terrorism task force was jointly headed by Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen. Or that Al Qaeda's official "fight anthem" during the 1990's was Fleetwood Mac's "(Don't Stop) Thinking About Tomorrow".

Kinda makes you wonder what else was covered up during the Clinton years. If only the press corps back in those days was as aggressive, probing, and unafraid to challenge the official line as the Washington media of the last five years.

The blogstorm did achieve one victory though: ABC has agreed to postpone part 2 of PT911. It will now air in September 2008.

Brangelina Take A Stangelina

On Friday, Brad Pitt revealed he will not become a husband again until "everyone else in America" can marry who they want.

I don't think there's been enough made of what a daring statement this is. Pitt is saying he's so committed to the cause of gay marriage, he'll have officially illicit intercourse with Angelina Jolie until all fifty states recognize it.

Other stars have spoken out on behalf of homosexuals. But Pitt is the first to openly embrace the horrible, box-office-diminishing stigma "unwed father" just to show his solidarity. He's willing to put his money where Angelina's mouth is.

"Brangelina" aren't "shacking up" (and raising half of Africa) - they're living in progressive sin. More power to them.

And one other thing:

Jenifer Aniston, you should be ashamed of yourself, you filthy bigot!

Site Redesign

Yes, Lomblog looks a bit different now that we've switched over to Blogger Beta. Frankly, I think we look smashing - much better than Katie Couric. However, there are still some nooks and crannies that need polishing. Some of the archival pages aren't running real well. But then, they weren't written well either.

I'm especially enjoying the new "label" feature. If you have suggestions for how a post should be labeled, post them in comments or in e-mail. As long as they're not unflattering.

Finally, I'm looking for someone to paint my official portrait, which I hope to include somewhere on the site. It should be modeled somewhat on this.

Until tomorrow,

LF

2006-09-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Up Next

Betting On Ellen

Degeneres Tapped To Host Oscars; TiVo Set To Open At Record Lows

2006-09-06T23:32:00.001-07:00

Hello Again; A Personal Note

Wow. Nothing like a week in the Bahamas to recharge the batteries. Blog, sweet blog - I've only been back a day but it feels like I never left.

My thanks to the illustrious guest bloggers that filled in while I was away. I didn't get to read you myself. But according to the email, you guys did such a great job that if one closed one's eyes, it was like I was still blogging. Too bad the three of you had to be let go. But I'm sure we'll see you around.

Now, the personal stuff.

It might seem on the surface that Lomblog, like most blogs, is a freewheeling place with the proverbial "anything goes" attitude (actually, I'm not sure that's a proverb, but whatever). This is not the case. Hard as it may be to believe, certain topics are off-limits. Mostly, topics where I feel my opinions might be motivated by more than the usual amount of personal bias. Subjects where I just don't think I can be neutral enough to provide the kind of balanced, incisive commentary you expect and deserve.

What am I talking about? Well, the best example is the most recent: an awful lot of bloggers have had an awful lot to say on the topic of adventurer Steve Irwin's tragic, sudden demise. I haven't been one of them, and I don't expect I will be. And there's a reason.

I've never disclosed this to anyone. But eight months ago, I adopted this little beauty:

Yes, that's Gertie, my pet stingray. I picked her up on my last visit to the Caymans. Actually, it's more than I care to share here but she sorta "hitched a ride". And after the surgery, I decided to give her a new home. She's named after Gertrude Stein, btw, not the Drew Barrymore character in ET. Isn't she gorgeous?

Anyway, I think you can understand some of my recent reticence to engage with fellow bloggers. But when it comes to non-stingray news events, the debate - as usual - is joined.

2006-09-06T14:52:00.001-07:00

Coming Up

His Father's Eyes

First Pics Of Cruise Baby

2006-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

An Apology To Our Readers

After an investigation, LOMBLOG has determined that the posts written under the usernames "Punditta", "John Hindrucker" and "Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi" were produced with Lombaire Fan's participation. We deeply regret misleading our reader(s). Lombaire Fan has been suspended from writing for LOMBLOG for the rest of the night.

Editors

2006-09-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

What Are You Looking At?

By Special Guest Blogger, Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi

Mr. al-Saeedi - reportedly Al Qaeda's no. 2 man in Iraq - was recently captured near Baghdad.

Hey - stop staring! Yeah, I know I don't photograph well. Get over it! How do you think you'd look if someone pulled you out of your spiderhole at 3 in the morning? Besides, you've seen that celebrity mug-shot site - most of 'em wish they looked this good! The one thing I don't like is those green borders around my face. They make it look like I got busted in the stall next to George Michael. But what can you do?

You know, a lot of Westerners come up to me after I've threatened them, and they say, "Hamed, why is it I'm always hearing about Al-Qaeda's 'no. 2' being arrested? How can that be? You people have more no. 2's than a bathroom at Taco Bell!" And I say, "Infidel, there's only one way to explain it."

I sing:

Two is the greatest Al-Qaeda you'll ever find
Two can be as big as One
Number One's Osama and he ain't gonna come
Noooo

BRIDGE

It's just no good anymore since Zarqawi died
Now we spend our time
Threatening airlines
With Gatorade and Tide

Harry Nilsson, man. So underrated.

I follow the news, you know. Before I was nabbed, I read about those Fox News reporters kidnapped in Gaza. Even as a hardened professional Jihadist, that story gave me chills. I mean, can you imagine those people? Scared, helpless, brainwashed - and then they were kidnapped! Zing! Actually, some of us Al-Qaedies in Iraq were going to grab Geraldo Rivera and make him our new spokesman. Then we realized - we're trying to gain followers, not lose them! Double Zing!

Big week for the AQ, of course. We put out a new tape. I guess I was the only one in the whole organization who thought it would be a good idea to call them "Jihadcasts". How many times do I have to say it - we don't have to reject everything modern! But headquarters doesn't listen.

The September 11 anniversary is coming up next week. Man, can you believe it? I was just in training camp back then. You know, I remember that Woody Allen movie - and don't stone me, my brothers, I know he's a Zionist - where Alan Alda says "Comedy is tragedy plus time." So true. Five years ago, I couldn't make jokes about the death of Mohammed Atta. Now, I can say this, but just between you and me: I don't think Mohammed was looking to meet 72 female virgins. He was a little light in the flight plans, if you know what I mean. Bought his box cutters in the Village, if you catch my drift. Come on, look at the photos - he's a 'stache away from Freddie Mercury. Dude hadn't seen twin towers since he was breastfeeding. Oh, for Allah's sake, don't listen to me - I'm just riffin'.

Well, interrogation time is starting up so I best get going. As we used to say in the Seventies, keep on truckbombin'!

Hamed

2006-09-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

An Awesome Leader

By Special Guest Blogger, John Hindrucker

John Hindrucker edits the popular conservative blog, Right Thinkers.

I recently had the honor of seeing President Bush speak before a small group at the White House. He was in fine form - the best I've ever seen him. Maybe the best I've ever seen anyone. It had to be one of the four or five greatest experiences of my life. No, on second thought, it was the greatest experience of my life (let's hope my wife isn't reading this). The president is not commonly perceived as a great orator. But in person, he has the kind of charisma that makes Reagan, JFK, Churchill and Samuel L. Jackson look like retards.

Right from the moment he invited us on a special tour of the Oval Office, the president showed he's still very much on top of his game. "Mi Casa, Su Casa," he said, demonstrating the multi-ethnic flair that made him such a hit with Hispanoids and other minority voters whose registrations we left unchallenged. If the president thinks of himself as a "lame duck", he's definitely not letting on, or maybe he's not familar with that phrase. It's one reason why he'll be stumping for Republican candidates all over the country this fall, whether they want him to or not.

With the midterm election just ten weeks away, the president gave us a little pep talk. For me, and I'm sure, everyone else in attendance, there is just one word to describe his remarks: awesome. He spoke with force, clarity and the kind of confidence you would expect from a man who has weathered the harshest attacks the Left could muster and still has a third of America on his side.

Most importantly, he once again reiterated the central tenet which has guided his foreign policy thinking since the beginning: America is awesome. On this, he has never wavered. It was right there in the initial bombing campaign of the Iraq war, which you may remember was called "shock and awe" - awe being the root word of awesome. As the president explained it, at every awesome moment of our awesome history, America has acted and acted awesomely. We awesomely stood up to the Nazis and said, "You are not going to conquer Europe and kill millions of Jews without hearing from me, pal." Then the war ended, and we awesomely confronted the Soviet Union: "If you even think about subjugating millions to political oppression and centralized planning, we're going to take you down, bro." Now we face a new threat: terrorism that originates from the Muslim world. Or as I like to call it: Islamic-anti-awesomeness.

By habit or ideology, much of the Arab world has chosen to reject awesomeness. This anti-awesomeness is at the root of their America-hatred. In the tradition of past American leaders, President Bush has taken a stand and said, "Arabs have a right to be awesome too." But like the Nazis and the Soviets, the Islamo-anti-awesomenists aren't going down without a fight. Of course, it would help if the Democrats shared the president's resolve in this matter. Unfortunately, they've chosen to reject our bipartisan history of awesomeness and become Neville Chamberlain-style appeasers, as I've written before (cf. "The Democrats Are Against Awesome", The Weekly Standard December 2005).

That's why this coming election is so important. Does America want to "cut-and-run" or "stay-and-awe"? Ok, maybe the phraseology needs a little work. But I'm sure Karl Rove and the president's other advisors will think of something good. 'Cus those guys are awesome.

Like the president.

2006-09-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

The D.C.

By Special Guest Blogger, Punditta

Editors: At 15, Punditta is America's youngest, freshest, and by all accounts, most adorable political commentator. She's been publishing her own site since 2004, having left her original online forum, J*e*n*n*i G's Personal Hizzome-Page, over "creative differences." From there, her popularitiy skyrocketed. Last year, she was called "sassy, irreverent and essential" by the editors of Time Magazine, who recently hired her to tutor their children.

Other political scribes have also taken note of Punditta; at a recent DC society function, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd termed her "that little bitch".

Luckily for Lomblog, she has now joined our team, and will be posting here occasionally, but never on a school night. Enjoy.

The Ewwwww Department

Can you believe Congressman Tom Tancredo tried to add me to his MySpace?

Gross!!! Even my inbox needs a shower! Shouldn't he be out hassling brown people or something?

The scary thing is, he looks just like my Spanish teacher.

On The D Tip

Meanwhile on the other side of the aisle, the Dems are juiced about taking back the House. Yay! I really don't want to go to Canada, unless I get to personally strangle Nickelback.

How confident are the Donks? They just budgeted $450,000 on ad buys in swing districts, and another $600,000 to shoot more Botox into Nancy Pelosi's face.

Pelosi, you just got P'wned!

Some Enchanted Ceasefire

Like the musical reference? Believe it or not, I was in a theatre camp production of South Pacific this summer with - get this - Donald Rumsfeld's granddaughter Kaila! I'll be YouTubing some highlights later on. Very educative show, btw. Knowing the history really puts this appeasement talk in some perspective.

I digress. Can you believe my bf and I are still arguing Israel/Lebanon? We ended up debating Mideast issues through the whole VMAs last night ("If you love the IDF so much, why don't you marry it!" "Shh...Fall Out Boy"). Ugh. Thank God (and Mom) for TiVo.

Anyway, I hope you're happy, Ehud Olmert.

The Dukes Of Allen

A lot of blog-ink got spilled this week on the subject of Senator George Allen (R-Macaca) and his affiliation with Southern bigots.

Most embarrassingly for his re-election campaign, a picture came to light which shows G-Al with some old racist dudes and that actor they used to make fun of on The Simpsons:

We got a lot of letters on this topic, including one from a reader who calls himself "LF":

Dear Punditta,

Love your blog! It's almost as good as mine [link removed].

Looking at that Allen pic, I wanted to play One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other.

Let's see here: racist...racist...racist...racist...GUN NUT!

You see, they're NOT all the same!

Thanks, LF!

My readers never let me down. It was they who they tipped me off to a pic on the homepage of Senator Allen's 19-year-old niece, Ravel.

It turns out she has a lot in common with her Dixie-loving uncle. Ravel is such a Confederate-sympathizer, she still wears Daisy Dukes!:

Welcome to America, Ravel. That Southern charm really runs in the family, doesn't it?

Please, dear readers, copy, save and distribute before the Senator's campaign staff has Ravel's tasteful pose scrubbed from the Internets.

That's it for me!

'Ditta

Punditta furnishings provided by Time/Warner, Inc. Hair, makeup and wardrobe provided by BloggerGrrrl.

2006-08-31T00:48:00.000-07:00

One For The Road

Greetings, old - and new - chums,

Well, the summer of '06 is winding down, and so am I. By this time tomorrow, I'll be enjoying some quality downtime in the Bahamas. Unfortunately, none of the laptops I travel with have Internet access. So, alas, you'll have to make due without me until my triumphant return early next week.

But while I'll be on vacation, Lomblog won't be. In planning for my trip, I've arranged some exciting guest bloggers who will continue to inform, educate, entertain, and if possible, infocatatain you while I'm off enjoying the good life.

This is the schedule for the rest of the week:

Thursday: To Be Announced
Friday: TBA
Saturday: TBA
Sunday: David Brenner

What can I say? The man's a comic legend, and his rates are very, very low.

But before I go, I want to say a word about an aspect of the site which has changed over the last ten days. With hardly any prompting, we now have a burgeoning community of Lomblog message board regulars. This means a lot to me. As you might have guessed from my screen name, I started out as a lowly reg on someone else's site (I won't mention who because we're still in litigation). So no matter how successful I eventually become, my heart remains with the little people.

It's my hope this virtual secret society of ours will continue to grow and grow until the point where we all meet at a mass wedding ceremony personally conducted by me at Madison Square Garden.

But that event is at least six months in the future. Don't haul out the white lace just yet!

Until I return, be good to the guest bloggers.

Adieu for summer,

LF

2006-08-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

Soon On Lomblog

Still Doin'A Heckuva Job

Ex-FEMA Chief Reminisces With Make-Believe Rescue Mission

2006-08-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: August 30, 2004

"LF At The RNC"

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging.

So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

2006-08-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Up Next

John Mark Karr Downgraded To Dwarf Media Distraction

2006-08-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

Chat With A Bin Laden Mistress

Last week, a Sudanese woman named Kola Boof made headlines worldwide with her claims of a relationship with terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden. Now, another woman - this time an American - has stepped forward to describe her experiences with the world's most wanted man.

While the happenings in Boof's tale allegedly took place a decade ago, Karen Maroney - a thirty-three-year-old customer service representative from Reno, Nevada - writes of a romance with Bin-Laden that commenced after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks that brought the Al-Qaeda leader household infamy.

I spoke with Ms. Maroney via phone earlier this evening:

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello. So how exactly did you, an American, come to meet Mr. Bin Laden?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Through Craigslist.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That seems implausible.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, I've met lots of people through there. If you're single, you should definitely check it out.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But Osama Bin-Laden?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He responded to your ad?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No, I responded to his.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
What did it say?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, keep in mind, this was over a year ago, and I'm not one who saves things but it said something like: "Tall, wealthy, likes to travel. Seeks obedient Westerner. Must be STD-free and hate the scourge of Zionism. No BBWs pls."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And you responded to that?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Sure, why not?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And how did you find out it was him?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
He sent me a picture, and I said, "Are you that guy on CNN?" He was kind of bashful at first, but after a while he admitted it.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait - he e-mailed you a picture?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No. It was through his camera phone.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He has a camera phone?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yeah - do you have one?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Not important. Beyond all that, when did this flirtation turn romantic?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
When he opened up to me about his health. The last few years have been really rough on him, he told me. Because of this, he said if we ever met, he might not be able to "perform" as he might like. And, well...I saw a different side of him. He was vulnerable, and real to me for the first time.

What can I say? I'm a woman. I just wanted to reach through the Motorola, wipe that mountain dust off his beard, and say, "Osamie, you don't have to hide anymore. This time, you've been found. By me."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Very revealing. And in its own way, very touching.

And you say that you did meet eventually?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We met at the Bellagio.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
In Vegas?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We didn't hit any of the casinos; he's very strict about that. But he was there. Not alone; he was with his posse.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Who was in his "posse"?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, a bunch of guys. But there were four of us in the room that night: me, Osama, Saddam Hussein and Mohamed Atta.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And this was last year?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Thereabouts.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That can't be.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Like I told you, I don't know all the dates. But I know what I saw...and what I felt.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, ok.

You know, coincidentally, there's another woman with a book, Kola Boof, who claims to have had an affair with Bin-Laden. Do you believe her?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, she's a total liar. Didn't she say he was obsessed with Whitney Houston?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Yes.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
I happen to know he much prefers Alicia Keys.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Interesting.

I guess a big question we've overlooked in all this: have you ever been contacted by the FBI?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. Shortly after my book's publication was announced, they told me they were looking for Arabic translators.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Karen Maroney, thanks for talking to me. And good luck.

2006-08-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

Tropical Storm Ernesto Threatens Florida Coast, Outpolls Katherine Harris

2006-08-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

Too Close To Call

Ok, I was going to take Sunday off. But I noticed something happening with our sidebar poll that I just couldn't ignore.

It's a deadlock! - the closest Lomblog webpoll in history.

As exciting as this is, the last thing we need is a blogpoll decided in the courts. That would divide the site's readership like nothing since my review of the 9/11 report. This poll will be open until tomorrow at noon PST. So if you haven't voted yet, please do so. Your vote can make a difference.

If you have voted but know someone who hasn't, drag them to the keyboard, sit them down, explain our Lomblog webpoll process, and let democracy flourish.

Also: I've heard disturbing reports that Portugese Lomblog visitors are being told they are ineligible to participate. Not true.

Let me say a special word to the Portugese: Sim, você pode votar! E PayPal mim em lombairefan@hotmail.com!

Of course, some will argue that none of this matters. They'll say a choice between two throwaway gags that allude to Iranian anti-Semitism is really no choice at all.

To which I say: Where have we heard that before?

So vote!

2006-08-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

Saturday Matinee: The Bonzo Dog Band

It's the weekend. What could be a better time for quality entertainment that doesn't strain your eyes with lots of smart-alecky, big-shot "writing"? So here, courtesy YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention - is another installment of Saturday Matinee.

Today's movie: a vintage promo clip featuring The Bonzo Dog Band and their 1968 hit single "I'm The Urban Spaceman". Enjoy, and don't let that kazoo scare you.

Ah, the Sixties. The universe was so much larger then.

2006-08-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

Restaurant At The End Of The Über-Race

A big topic on blogs this week was the opening and very prompt closing of Hitler's Cross, a Nazi-oriented theme restaurant in New Bombay, India.

While the HC may have been a failed experiment, I think we can look forward to a whole string of Aryan-based eateries (Editor's note: if you have taste and a moral compass, please look away):

TGI Goebbel's

The Four Seizures

Reichstag Steakhouse

Gold Starbucks

Nuremburgers

Ben & Gerry's

Pizza Putsch

Tavern On The Rhineland

The Hard Reich Cafe

Bob's Eugenically-Bred Big Boy

Burger Chancellor

Adolf Garden

Bunker King (Home of the Fuhrer)

International Hiding House of Pancakes

Planet Holocaust

BeniHimmler's

Add your own, if you also lack taste and a moral compass.

2006-08-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

The Language Amendment Amendment

Last night, I said I would have more to say on the topic of immigration and national identity. Here goes ...

A few months ago, the Senate passed an amendment declaring English the "national language" of the United States. Today, I'd like to propose an amendment to that amendment.

It would read something like this:

"While the Government of the United States has declared English the official language, a few select English words should, for the remainder of calendar year 2006, be used with extreme caution.

Any verbal communication in public that combines the following terms is officially frowned upon:

(1) 'Snakes'
(2) 'On'
(3) 'Plane'
(4) A popular four-syllable obscenity which Congress does not deign to repeat in government documents.

Violation of this resolution will carry no official sanction, unless the offender is a white male between the ages of 18-35 who utters said words while approximating an African-American male dialect. Such parties could receive a jail sentence."

I've have a petition you can sign later on ...

2006-08-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Pluto Sacked

Earlier today in Prague, a panel of 424 astronomers decided that Pluto is no longer a planet - probably the most humiliating thing to happen to any of the ~~Big Nine~~ Big Eight since John Grey got a book deal.

Needless to say, this is big news for star-gazers the world over, including here in Hollywood. For some in-depth reaction from someone in-the-know, I spoke with the man who has faithfully represented Pluto since 1982, his agent Peter Bernman:

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Greetings. How is Pluto holding up?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
He's doing well, LF. He's taking it in stride. You know, he's been in this universe for a long time. He's seen a lot of orbits. He knows you can't win 'em all but he also knows what goes around, comes around - just because you're not a planet today doesn't mean you won't be a planet tomorrow.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But the astronomers say he's not a planet.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
I know what the astronomers say. But what do you say? What do the people say? I think if you went up to people on the street right now and you asked them if Pluto was a planet, they'd say, "Hell yes, Pluto is a planet. And a damn good one."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But this isn't really about popular opinion, is it? Aren't scientists the final arbitrators on this matter?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Actually, no. Look - there's not a lot I can say about this because it will be in the courts soon. I can say that if Carl Sagan were alive today, he'd be ashamed of his profession.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I detect a hint of bitterness.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Bitterness? No. Is there disappointment that someone can be arbitrarily dropped from the solar system after years and years of a professional relationship? Of course. But Pluto still has a lot of support. People still want to study his atmosphere. NASA is still taking pictures of him. I know a guy who bought a special telescope just so his kid could look at my client. So he is not, in any sense, a failure.

I don't think, by the way, that the commercial ramifications of this have been completely thought through by our friends in the Czech Republic.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Commercial ramifications? Such as?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Well, you know those scale models of the universe people have? Where each little ball represents a different planet? What's going to happen to those? Are they all going to be destroyed and replaced? And how expensive will that be? The last time I looked, astronomy was not a real growth industry. And you're gonna take one of the principal, astronomical money-makers - probably the planet with the highest name-ID outside Earth and Mars - and tear him down while he's in its prime? That just doesn't make financial sense to me.

And for what? Because you think he's too aloof from the Sun? Because you don't like his relationship with Ceres and Charon? It's ridiculous. And that's why we're appealing.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Is he satisfied at all with the designation "dwarf planet"?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Unfortunately, LF, that is just another instance of the International Astronomical Union trying to demean him. My client has a sense of humor about himself; he's used to jokes about his size. But to include that in supposedly neutral, objective, "scientific" findings - it just smacks of a vendetta.

I know Pluto; he is nobody's "dwarf". Next to other solar bodies, yes, but he towers over most of us.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
No doubt. He's probably the largest client you've represented.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Not true. I was with Star Jones before her diet.

Kidding.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I thought so. Peter Bernman, good luck to you and Pluto.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Thank you. If you're looking for ways to help, go to www.citizens-for-a-fair-universe.org. Pluto probably won't receive your letters for three or four Earth years but he will receive your letters.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Good to know.

2006-08-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Fence Around The Funnybone

I was reading this week's issue of Time magazine - yes, these hands still touch paper - and caught an interesting quote from ex-presidential candidate, columnist, and stout-hearted white man Pat Buchanan:

The country I grew up in was culturally united, even if it was racially divided. We spoke the same language, had the same faith, laughed at the same comedians. We were one nationality. We're ceasing to be that when you have hundreds of thousands of people who want to retain their own culture, their own language, their own loyalty.

Now, one of the many non-sombrero hats Pat wears is that of staunch Catholic. Which reminds me of an old joke:

A priest, a terrorist and a drug mule walk into a country ...

The priest is kicked out because he only speaks Latin.

Hey-O!

More seriously, I think Buchanan makes an excellent point: because of a wave of south-of-the-border immigrants, we are in danger of losing our national comedic identity. In the Fifties and Sixties, Morey Amsterdam amused us all; now we are divided by Mind Of Mencia. Once we all loved Lucy. But if her show were being pitched today, is there any doubt where the focus would be?

Our country can't find common ground on major policy issues if we can't even agree on what's funny and what isn't. Fortunately, we can all agree that George Lopez isn't.

Luckily, a few brave souls in Congress are standing up for our Anglo-Saxon heritage of humor. When the Senate reconvenes, Bill Frist will introduce a resolution to name Larry The Cable Guy America's official Comic Laureate.

It would also strip E Pluribus Unum from all our currency, and replace it with GIT-R-DONE!!!!

It's about time.

More on this topic later ...

2006-08-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Up Next

Tom Cruise Dropped From A Mountain

2006-08-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

National Lampoon's Endless Occupation

While I didn't attend the president's news conference yesterday (long story, but I'm not allowed within ten feet of Tony Snow), I did notice this statement on Iraq getting a lot of play:

We're not leaving, so long as I'm the President.

A lot of people have wondered over the years how President Bush sees himself in the context of history, which I understand he's starting to bone up on a bit. And now I think we have an answer.

He sees the GWoT-PI-TWNSIC-9/11 (Global War On Terror, Plus Iraq, Though We Never Said Iraq Caused 9/11) as a very long road trip, and himself as America's Dad and driver.

He's frustrated with us (as he also said in that press conference: "Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised." Ouch!). We're in the backseat, making a lot of noise. We complain about the air conditioning, the costs, the casualties, the impending civil war, mean things our brother has done to Iraqi women and children etc. At first, he tries to sweet-talk us, with promises of how great everything will be once we arrive at our destination. But now he's completely had it, and is ready to lay down the law: "Shut up! We're not leaving until I say we're leaving. And if you keep complaining, I will stop this nation cold and start this war all over again! With Iran or Syria."

That covers the president, but how about some of the other players in this Administration, like Cheney? Clearly, he's Dad's boss-man, and the only person we've seen who could really intimidate him. Once, when our parents weren't there, we answered the phone and he was on the other end. We still have nightmares about that.

And Rumsfeld? He's the doddering old uncle no one wants to travel with. He's always muttering questions to himself or using old phrases we don't understand. Absent-minded too. Forgets things, like where he left his glasses or the correct number of troops needed to secure Iraq's borders. And he leaves embarrassing photos in the drawers of his desk - mostly from Abu Ghraib and Gitmo. Lot of red faces at the dinner table after that.

But back to the president. Ever since 9/11, there's been a lot of talk about which historical figure he most resembles. And I think we finally have an answer. It isn't Truman, Churchill, Roosevelt or Hitler.

It's Clark Griswold.

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy ...

2006-08-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

More Readers Speak Out

Reader MK responds to the comments of reader MP ...

Whoa. Looks like I was seriously misinterpreted. I certainly wasnt suggesting I could run your site better than you. My email was really more a reflection, from a longtime reader, on how Lomblog has changed over the years. Whats that old saying - cant know where youre going 'til you know where you been? That was the idea. I do miss the light-hearted antics of yore. But I still enjoy your work.

Keep it coming!

Hmm. Interesting.

Reader MT adds:

What - MP wrote in again? Does the lame ever stop?! We get it, you do a lot of deep-think about someone else's blog. You must have a lot of time on your hands, bro. Traffic school can't be that boring, can it? Oh, but "cant know where youre going 'til you know where you been" - I see someone didn't let Mom's Reader's Digest subscription go to waste.

Keep the genius coming!

Nicely-stated.

2006-08-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

This Week's Web Poll

The summer movie season is winding down - in America and the Mideast. In many countries in that troubled region, Western blockbusters often undergo major revision before seeing release to the general public.

With that in mind, here's a list of Iran's top-grossing movies for the summer of '06. Pick your favorite.

Vote once, and vote nicely - before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad steals this poll for his blog.

2006-08-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

Later On Lomblog

John Mark Karr Suspected Of Involvement In Blue Man Group

2006-08-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Readers Speak Out

Longtime Lomblog reader MK has some thoughts on the site's evolution ...

LF,

I've been following you since the beginning, and while I cant say theres been a change in the quality of your writing, I have noticed a difference in tone. Lately it seems theres a certain nastiness, a hostility, a catch-all cynicism that wasnt there when I first started reading. Sure, you were always a bit snarky and immature, but now you resort to flat-out ridicule and "calling-out" to make your points, as in your recent posts on Mel Gibson and Senator Lieberman. Not sure when I first noticed this change; maybe it was after Bush's re-election, or the time you got knocked unconscious by those Lebanese demonstrators. Whatever the case, Im not complaining. Everybody knows we live in angry, polarized times. I just sometimes miss the more subtle, whimsical Lomblog of old.

Keep up the good work

Interesting points.

Reader MP has a different take:

Was that guy who wrote in ahead of me a dick or what? Seriously, he has no right to tell you how to run your site. "Subtle" and "whimsical"? Just stick with your Calvin and Hobbes desk calendar, twinkletoes. If you can't take the Lomblog heat, get out of the Lomblog kitchen. Or better yet, start your own site on www.im-an-overanalytical-wanker.com. I'm sure we'll all rush over there as we struggle through these "angry, polarized times".

Keep up the great work!

P.S. - Don't you think it would be a good idea to add links to some of the posts he's talking about so new readers can chart your "evolution" themselves?

Well-put.

2006-08-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday Matinee: Lost Lombaire Film

It's the weekend. What better time for a picture show? And today's edition of Saturday Matinee is even more special than most. It's an actual vintage film from Lombaire! Yes, the same FJ Lombaire who I've taken as my virtual namesake. This early video by French-pop diva France Gall - a protégé of another old favorite, Serge Gainsbourg - was released in 1966, just as Lombaire was hitting a career peak. His film Je Suis Gordo (I Am Gordo) had just been released, receiving fair reviews and earning over $1 million dollars in just fifteen years of limited release.

Not content to rest on his laurels, Lombaire directed a promo clip for Baby Pop - a very innovative and very pre-MTV collision of nymph and sound. And courtesy You Tube - man's greatest-ever invention - here it is. Enjoy. I'll be around later to answer all your Lombaire-related questions.

PS - If you watch closely, you might even catch a glimpse of Lombaire himself.

It just doesn't get any better than that, does it?

2006-08-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

HTML Tags Of Evil

Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now has his own blog. No, really.

This is a big development. Even those who heretofore downplayed the importance of blogs must admit the medium has come a long way in just a few short years. I believe President Ahmadinejad is the first government leader to share his thoughts in a widely available personal journal since Joseph Stalin in the late 1940's.

Now, unlike a lot of people, I haven't been a strong critic of Iran's new leader. In fact, I've always admired his personal style, which is kinda mod Sonny Bono. People call him a "madman", but to me, the jury is still out; for instance, he's yet to claim responsibility for the death of Jon-Benet Ramsey. When I first heard about his blog, I was completely ready to say, "Congrats, Mahmoud, and welcome to the mullahsphere."

But after having perused his site, well...let's just say that smoke you see is coming from my ears, not my laptop.

Ahmadinejad.jr - or as it shows up in my browser, ???????? - is an almost 100% rip-off of Lomblog. As they say on the Net, let's go to the screen capture:

Check it out. You have a sidebar, a poll, some links, and a photo of Mahmoud. Now, look closely at that photo: let's see.....he's sitting in a chair, he's casually dressed, he's sporting tres contemporary - and very rakish - facial hair.

Come now, who does that remind you of? Hint: scroll up. Scroll...keep scrolling, and look at the left-hand side of your screen.

Ok, I'm going to assume there's something wrong with your neck, or your mouse, and you can't do that. So here's a side-by-side comparison:

Yes, I couldn't believe it at first either. But faster than you could say "enriched uranium", there it was.

And a web poll too! Who's been doing polls on his site for more than two years? Hint again: the guy who's not being watched by the UN.

Mahmoud, I know what you're up to. Don't play the unsophisticated tyrannical rube with me. There's nothing wrong with paying homage to an earlier, greater peer. But thievery without credit or at least a place on the links list violates all the rules of blogging.

Sure, I might profit if I copied a few things from you. My traffic would surely spike if I dubbed the US "the Great Satan", called for the destruction of Israel or said the Holocaust was a "myth". But, in the parlance of today's youth, that's not the way I "roll". Unlike some who do what I do, I have a code of ethics embedded in my moral template. It's a code that reads "script=thou shalt/not steal".

Unfortunately, Ahmadinejad's blog has no e-mail link. I don't blame him; I'm sure he's tired of getting that "72 Virgins Want To Meet You In Heaven Now!!!" spam. But he does have a comments section. So if you could, please follow this link and tell the president of Iran to stop ripping me off.

The Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate, the One, the Only,

LF

2006-08-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: August 18, 2004

"LF's Olympic Update"

...the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

2006-08-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

Ceasefire broken, as Hezbollah fires laptops on Israel

2006-08-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

Yaleville Part 2

As promised, Part Two of Yaleville.

Lana notices Joe's condition.

LANA LODGE: What's wrong, Joe?? You're turning pale! I was really just kidding about you being a Republican. Besides, it's not such a bad thing. Do you know Hillary Rodham? She used to be a Goldwater girl!

Joe continues to stumble and begins coughing up blood. Just then, a hologram from the future appears. It's US Senator John McCain (R-Arizona).

MCCAIN-EL: Joe....

JOE: (quietly) McCain-El!

MCCAIN-EL: You must be strong now, Joe. You were put here for a reason: to make the two parties virtually indistinguishable.

JOE: Help me, McCain-El!

MCCAIN-EL: I can't help you now, Joe - my plane was shot down and I'm currently being tortured in Hanoi. But one day we'll both be in the Senate, where we'll work on high-profile legislation and never, never turn down a TV appearance. However, we must not let anyone know our true identities. If anyone finds out we're half-Democrat, half-Republican and we both escaped from the planet Krypto-neocon, our political careers on Earth will be over. Got it?

JOE: Yes, McCain-El.

MCCAIN-EL: Never lose heart, Joe. Remember why you're LieberBoy: to grandstand for Truth, Justice, the insurance industry and Bi-Partisan Accommodation. And against dirty song lyrics.

McCain fades out.

As Joe regains his strength, he hears music from Lana's turntable. Bursting out of his suit, he emerges in full red-and-blue LieberBoy regalia and utilizing his "blow-hard" ray, fires radioactive heat at Lana's spinning copy of Morrison Hotel.

LANA LODGE: (Startled) Joe! I borrowed that from a friend! And what are you doing in that ridiculous costume??

JOE: I'm sorry, Lana - this is the real me.

LANA LODGE: Who designed that outfit anyway? Look, there are threads hanging loose and everything is off-center --

JOE: It was made by a friend of mine, George W. Bush.

LANA LODGE: George Bush?! The cheerleader? Where is he these days? Last I heard, he was off in Texas pretending to be a fighter pilot.

JOE: (Gravely) His grandfather used to be a senator from this state. His family has a long tradition at Yale. We criticize him at our own peril. (NOTE: In later episodes, Bush will be revealed as the evil villain Not-So-Brainiac)

LANA LODGE: I really don't get it. You burned my record. Meanwhile, Bush makes you look like a fool, and you still refuse to criticize him?! You have a really curious idea of friendship! You're right - you really are different than the other Democrats. Why don't you - why don't you - just GET OUT!!!

JOE: (Smiling) So can I count on your vote?

In the next installment, LieberBoy reverses the Earth's axis to prevent his name being deleted from Al Gore's BlackBerry.

2006-08-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

Fall Preview: Yaleville

In a matter of weeks, the fall TV season will begin. In my capacity as Lomblog entertainment editor, I've had a chance to sneak a peek at some truly excellent new programming. But of all the shows I've screened so far, one stands out: Yaleville.

As you might imagine, Yaleville takes place mostly on the campuses of Yale University in Connecticut, in the late 1960's and early 1970's. But it's not your typical coming-of-age drama, combining as it does elements of political intrigue and old-fashioned comic book action.

While I am not authorized to present any video clips, I have been licensed to publish some excerpts from the very impressive pilot episode. Enjoy Part One.

NARRATOR: More powerful than the will of local voters. Able to leap partisan bounds. Look, in Bridgeport, in Hartford, in New Haven....it's a Democrat....it's a Republican......it's ----

Senator Joseph I. Lieberman.

Tossed out by an angry electorate, Lieberman plunges forward, possessing superhuman powers of denial. But was he always this way? How did he become the Man of Spiel?

SUPERIMPOSED - AUGUST 1970

Joe is running for a spot in the state senate. After an arduous day of electioneering, he visits the home of an idealistic student volunteer, Lana Lodge.

LANA LODGE: Joe, that speech you gave at the Young Democrats' meeting fired everyone up!

JOE: Thanks, Lana.

LANA LODGE: I especially liked when you said, that as a liberal Democrat, you would never put corporate interests over the peoples' interest!

JOE: Yes, Lana.

LANA LODGE: And when you said that just because we're against the war, doesn't mean we're weak on national security!

JOE: Yes, Lana - I meant every word of that.

LANA LODGE: And when you said that if the Democratic party is divided over an issue, the best way to settle it is a vigorously contested primary election where both sides agree to abide by the result!

JOE: (coughing) Yes, Lana.

(quietly, in voiceover) I wonder if she knows my secret.

LANA LODGE: What a great speech! You gave everybody there a real burst of - well, there's just no other way to put it - a real burst of Joe-mentum!

JOE: Thanks, Lana. Uh, would you mind sitting down for a moment? There's something I need to tell you.

LANA LODGE: Sure, Joe.

JOE: Lana, I'm not sure how to phrase this but...I'm different.

LANA LODGE: Different, Joe? I've always known you were Jewish, and it doesn't faze me a bit! I'm still going to vote for you! And I'll tell all my friends to vote for you too! Now, my parents - well, they're Mayflower descendants and they belong to a lot of private clubs so --

JOE: No, Lana, that's not it. What I mean is, I'm different from other Democrats.

LANA LODGE: You, Joe? How?! You're anti-war! You registered black voters in the Deep South! Your political idol is JFK! How can you say you're different?

JOE: Because...because...I -- I have special powers.

LANA LODGE: Hahahahahaha. Don't make me laugh, Joe Lieberman. Your young friend Bill Clinton told me last night he has "special powers", then he offered me a drink and asked if I'd like to see his Thunderbird.

JOE: I condemn his outrageous, reprehensible behavior. It sends the wrong message to our children.

LANA LODGE: Oh, come on, Joe! It's no big deal. He's just a kid! And besides, he told me he misses his girlfriend back in Arkansas, and all the women here are cold fish.

(Holding up LP) Hey, would you like to hear the new Doors album?

JOE: I condemn Jim Morrison's outrageous, reprehensible behavior. His lyrics send the wrong message to our children.

LANA LODGE: Wow, Joe. You really are different. Are you sure you're not a Youth for Nixon? (laughing)

Joe appears to weaken. His knees buckle and his speech is staggered.

JOE: (Slowly) Noooo! Must....fight.....partisan.....po-la-ri-za-tion!!!

Will Joe recover? More Yaleville tomorrow

2006-08-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

This Week's Webpoll

This weekend, Oliver Stone's new film World Trade Center placed third at the box office, despite the presence of Nicholas Cage and an unexpected publicity push from Great Britain. Is America still not ready for a fictionalized cinematic account of the September 11 tragedy?

It's the topic of this week's webpoll:

Vote once and vote nicely.

2006-08-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Saturday Matinee: The Wonderful World Of Disney Nazis

It's the weekend. What better time to take in a movie? Join me in the spacious Lomblog screening room for today's special feature, Education For Death: The Making Of The Nazi. Granted, it's no Lombaire, but it is an honest-to-goodness Walt Disney classic from 1943.

After the film is over, I'll be back with some special commentary. But for now, grab some popcorn, turn out the lights, and enjoy ten minutes of grainy, archival entertainment direct from YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention.

Wow. Pretty chilling, isn't it? I understand Disney forced Mel Gibson to watch this several times before they agreed to continue backing his next film.

A few more contemporary figures came to mind during my viewing. The red-faced school instructor bore more than a passing resemblance to one-time Homeland Security Secretary-Designate Bernard Kerik:

In the same scene, you probably caught a glimpse of a young Bill O'Reilly:

This must be where he learned his earliest talking points.

For the most part, this film was good old-fashioned pro-America progaganda, the kind Hollywood just isn't making these days. The production house that Mickey built was four-square and four-fingered behind democracy and against German totalitarianism, marching and dumpy blondes. While Disney may or may not have been an anti-Semite - I think anyone who's seen drafts of the original "eighth dwarf", Angsty, would find the matter beyond dispute - he was still willing to put his talents to work against the Third Reich. And if he were thawed out today, I'm sure Uncle Walt would still be on the side of Uncle Sam, releasing hits like Islamic Radicals of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Oil and Hezbollah: Fully Loaded.

Sadly, today's animators just don't have the "stuff" to fight for freedom. Don't be surprised when the Little Mermaid washes up in a burqua, stuffed to the gills on Afghani poppies.

On that note, see you in the aisle!

LF

2006-08-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

My Chat With Chertoff

Yesterday, authorities in London arrested twenty-four men suspected in a terrorist plot. While a direct link to Al-Qaeda has yet to be established, this is no doubt the biggest victory for British intelligence since the closing scenes of Moonraker. Earlier, I spoke with Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff about Thursday's developments.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello, Mr. Secretary.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Hello, LF.

LOMBAIRE FAN: From what I've seen, you seem very pleased with this week's news.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF. With the knowledge of how well our security agencies can work together, even across the Atlantic, I'm almost glowing.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Haha, I noticed. But I thought maybe it was your new aftershave.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: I'm sorry -- I don't find that humorous. Aftershave is one of the elements that can be used to create a liquid bomb. If you have any on your person right now, my agents will have to confiscate it.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But we're not flying.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Oh. Better safe than sorry -- that's our motto.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I understand. So you must be pretty serious about this ban on liquids?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes. No liquids of any sort. Or potential liquids.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Potential liquids?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF. Every human being has within their body the potential for creating dangerous fluids. So we're going to have to lay down some hard-and-fast rules: women retaining water will not be allowed to board flights. The same restriction will also be applied to men who've just ingested a large beverage, such as a Big Gulp of some kind. Before boarding, they will be asked to relieve themselves in an airport restroom or a wastebin. Those unfortunate few who have difficulty with this procedure, such as the elderly, will be aided by security. As I understand it, this has already occured a few times in the last twenty-four hours; the process has even been named in my honor, "Shaking hands with Chertoff." I couldn't be more proud.

LOMBAIRE FAN: As anyone would be. Now, how closely did the US government - and Homeland Security in particular - work with the British to uncover this plot?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Very closely. In fact, our involvement was essential, if I do say so myself.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Could you elaborate?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Well, without going into too much detail, we provided leads on one of the suspects, who just happened to be an American citizen living in a British flat. He's a recent convert to Islam, but not of Arab descent. And he's very cleverly disguised himself as a typical Englishman.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I believe you have a photograph.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF.

I think you can tell from his face that he's spent an awful lot of time experimenting with explosives. Yet an average person, without an eye trained to spot terrorists, might see him as your typical, twinkly-eyed, song-in-his-heart, Cockney-accented chimney-sweeper. Even with all my years in law enforcement, sometimes the sheer deviousness of men like this "soot bomber" truly astounds me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I think it astounds all of us. Anyway, congratulations on your pivotal role in this successful apprehension. I think all of us rest a little easier knowing that Homeland Security is on top of these incidents.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Thank you, LF, but I really don't want to minimize the danger. On behalf of my colleagues in the Bush Administration, I'd like to say that all Americans of voting-age should rest easy but not too easy.

LOMBAIRE FAN: That's a useful reminder. By the way, what's that smell?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Well, I just flew here and -- do you have any deoderant?

2006-08-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

Up Next

American cyclist denies steroid rumors

2006-08-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

Mi Space-a, Su Space-a

I know I'm late to the party but here it is: my very own
MySpace page.

Don't worry; I'm not leaving Bloggywood for greener pastures. I just couldn't resist this exciting opportunity to maximize self-promotion and continue my dialogue with other Neo-Nazi teens. So head on over there and make me your virtual pal.

Faddishly yours,

LF

2006-08-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

A Quiet Victory

Let's face it: America's down in the dumps. We just can't do anything right these days: can't pay the bills, can't keep our weight in check, can't lick our dependence on foreign oil, can't defeat the insurgents in Iraq, can't even ride a bike without doping it up. It's no wonder we've developed the kind of negative self-image that - if we were a teenage girl - would lead to lots of black lipstick and a mutually destructive relationship with the goateed, 20-year-old Junior from Pre-Algebra.

All the more reason to celebrate our successes. Like this week, when we toppled Castro.

After forty-plus years of embargo, travel restrictions and exploding cigars, the Tony Robbins of international communism has finally cracked. Just like 1959, it was a revolution within - specifically the intestines. But don't kid yourselves, American pressure helped make it happen. Kudos to the US presidents, living and dead (but mostly dead) who stood tall against Fidel. And a big salute to the Cuban- American exile community as well; I didn't agree with you on little Elian (I was afraid if he stayed here, he'd end up at Neverland) but it's good to see something go your way for once.

This is a lesson, I think, that we all need to be a bit less short-sighted and impatient when judging the effectiveness of our nation's foreign policy. Maybe in 2053, when Kim Jong Il turns things over to his brother Randy, we'll feel a lot better about the events of this year.

But for now, let's mambo. The pride is back. It'll be mourning in Cuba soon, and morning in America again.

2006-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Triumph Of The Mel: Uncut & Unkosher

Mel Gibson is still making news. After his embarrassing arrest for driving under the influence of The Protocols Of Zion, he's apologized and agreed to seek treatment to curb his addiction to drunken Jew-cop-baiting. He's even asked to meet with Jewish leaders to begin a process of "healing" - or at very least, have his people talk to their people. To which I say: Good on you, mate - you are one Braveheart of recovering bigotry. Yes, Mad Mel, "We Don't Need Another Hero"...but once you lick this Heb-hating thing, you may be it!

And why is everyone being so judgemental anyway? I know after I've slammed down a few cold ones, I get way more anti-Semitic. It's well-documented that alcohol lowers our inhibition, and with it, our reluctance to blame the Chosen People. It's one reason why I never, never drink at a B'Naith B'Rith dinner. Lesson learned the hard way, I might add.

But allow me to break some news on this topic. It seems that Mel's drunken highway outburst occurred after a long day recording brand-new DVD commentary tracks with castmates from his past films. With all the controversy, it's unlikely these recordings will ever see the light of day. Fortunately, I know someone who knows someone with access to these tapes. And he's made some transcripts.....

Lethal Weapon 3
Unreleased commentary track; excerpt

DANNY GLOVER: The thing I liked about playing Murtaugh was, here's a man who never....

MEL GIBSON: Glover man, sugar tits, do you notice how dark it is in this scene?

DANNY GLOVER: Hahaha yeah.

MEL GIBSON: The gaffer really f***ed up that day.

DANNY GLOVER: Hahaha, I think I remember.

MEL GIBSON: F***in' Jews. Last I ever work with a Jew gaffer.

DANNY GLOVER: What?

MEL GIBSON: I had a good talk with Joel [Silver, producer of the Lethal Weapon films] about it.

DANNY GLOVER: Joel is great.

MEL GIBSON: Yes. Greatest kike I ever worked with.

DANNY GLOVER: (Coughing) Uh huh. It's amazing how you can still tap into the insanity of Riggs after all these years. What an actor.

We Were Soldiers
Unreleased commentary track; excerpt

CHRIS KLEIN: One of the great things about playing this role and appearing in this film was the opportunity to learn so much about Vietnam that I really didn't know before I.....

MEL GIBSON: I learned a lot too. You know who started this war, Chris?

CHRIS KLEIN: Uh....the Communists?

MEL GIBSON: F***in' Jews. Dean Rusk, McGeorge Bundy, Robert McNamara - all Jews.

CHRIS KLEIN: Uh....Mel?

MEL GIBSON: Lyndon Johnson - big Jew. And they were all in league with Mao Zedong, who was a Chink Jew.

CHRIS KLEIN: Oh man...

MEL GIBSON: Are you a Jew, Chris?

CHRIS KLEIN: I, uh....

MEL GIBSON: I'm gonna f*** you.

CHRIS KLEIN: Mel's reciting some of the dialogue that was cut, I think. Great memory.

Wow. Looks like he needs a lot of help. Pray for him, gang.

2006-07-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

DU-H8-JEWS?

Coming Up: Mel Makes New Fans

Plus actual writing...

2006-07-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

An Inconvenient Twosome? : Republicans Face Reality Of Global Skanking

2006-07-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

A Lomblog Roundtable: The Mideast Crisis

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello! Welcome to my very first "virtual" roundtable.Yes, a roundtable - oh, I feel just like Dorothy Parker!

Our topic: the Middle East. The conflict between Israel and Lebanon has dominated headlines this week; it's even overshadowed the impending nuptials of Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. So I thought I'd invite some expert panelists to help us hash this crisis out before it becomes even more newsy.

Our guests are two men who know a lot, both about the Middle East and panel discussions. Christopher Hitchens is a British-born author and commentator who you may recognize from his many appearances on shows like Hardball With Chris Matthews and Real Time With Bill Maher. More likely, you recognize him from open-bar night at your local Bennigan's. Whatever the case, he has many fascinating insights into current events that will "virtually" astound anyone really impressed by accents.

Our other guest, Professor Juan Cole, is an expert in Middle East culture and history. He's also known for posing awkwardly in photos on the sidebar of his blog.

Welcome, gentlemen.

This week, the president weighed in. In a conversation he did not know was being recorded, he revealed that he plans to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to the region. Juan Cole, is there realistically anything the US can do to mediate in this situation?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Ugh. That is all I can say, LF. Three days after I first watched the Bush-Blair "dialogue", I still tremble at the thought that this simple-minded simpleton is making our foreign policy. In fact, as I ponder this Orwellian nightmare that all of us have lived through the past six years, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, I've now resigned myself to outright nausea for the remainder of this president's term.

In the face of images like this, I'd like to see Hitchens defend the indefensible - the Neocon policies that have led to so much death and destruction across the Middle East since the Iraq occupation began in 2003.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, that's a little off-topic, but what do you have to say, Chris?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
I have no idea why I accepted the invitation to appear on this squalid little blog with its horrid template and excreble writing standards. But I do like to see my name in bold text, even alongside this squalid little apologist for mullahs whose own excreble blog, Informed Comment, would be more aptly titled Misinformed Comment --

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Ha! Misinformed Comment - did you just come up with that?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
But setting that aside, I find it a bit galling that Mr. Cole would use the phrase "Orwellian." He must know that I wrote the definitive book on the subject of Orwell. Orwell's own great niece, CiCi, has said that only I, of all contemporary authors, hold my cigarette and frown in a manner reminiscent of the master himself. So the fact that the professor is now using language associated with me to attack my views shows you how debased the Left has become since they stopped inviting me to their parties. But I admit I've lost many friends since I decided to speak out against the Islamototaliterrofascithugs™ that only Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair have shown the courage to confront - bravely, if stupidly and disasterously.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Uh, Professor?

Juan Cole, author/academic
I'm pleased to see Hitchens acknowledge that Bush is stupid and disasterous. Now will he admit the rank depravity of what's taken place in Bush's torture cells?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait, isn't that a still from Scanners?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes. That movie is being used as a training film for US interrogators. Still, I'd like to see Hitchens defend this war in the face of images like that.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
As anyone who reads me knows, I've never supported the way this war has been conducted by the American administration; I've only supported it as an intellectual enterprise.

But from perusing Mr. Cole's online photo gallery, it doesn't surprise me that he's too myopic to understand the nuances of my position.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hey now - that's getting a little personal...

Juan Cole, author/academic
OK, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!! I'm going to post a picture of what Hitchens' liver must look like!

I'd like to see him defend his chronic drinking habit in the face of images like that.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Professor! Ewww.

Anyway, we're out of time. We got pretty far afield, and never really did discuss Israel and Lebanon. Will the two of you come back for another roundtable?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes, when I finish trembling.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
Possibly. But not tomorrow - I have two C-SPAN bookings and a Dixie Chicks/Cindy Sheehan appearance to heckle.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Great. Until then, I'll see all of you in the peace and security of cyberspace.

Adieu for today!

2006-07-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

In Memoriam

Hooters Chairman Dead At 69

Expect a simple, dignified service:

2006-07-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

BREAKING: Israel Attacks Zidane

PARIS - A tense world situation grew even more tense tonight, with news that Israel has attacked the practice space of controversial French soccer star Zinédine Zidane.

This explosive yet seemingly inevitable development comes one week after Zidane headbutted an Italian player at World Cup, and three days after the strike on South Lebanon by Israeli forces.

So far, it is believed that Mr. Zidane was unharmed in tonight's raid, as he was apologizing elsewhere when the bombs struck. But the symbolic import of this unprecedented clash between Mideast powerhouse and midfield power player can not be overstated.

Many longtime Middle East observers are tonight asking "Why?" Why would Israel choose to assault a French soccer compound when it's already fighting a two-front war in its home region? My sources in Jerusalem list these reasons:

1) Mr. Zidane is a Muslim - a strong, agile Muslim given to provocative gestures. While he's never explicitly called for the destruction of Israel, he's never explicitly not called for it either.

2) The practice space in question may be a hiding place for Hamas and Hezbollah secret agents, many of whom must have been encouraged by the hero's welcome Zidane received after the headbutting incident.

3) As it never qualified for this year's World Cup, Israel is in a unique position to take a stand against poor sportsmanship.

4) It's the weekend - time to cut loose.

Now, more background on the participants in tonight's match, Zizou vs. the Zionists.

First, Israel:

• It's been playing internationally since 1948.

• Nickname(s): "The Jewish state"; "The Jewish homeland".

• Playing style: It's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...

...but sometimes it makes nice.

And Zinédine Zidane:

• He's been playing internationally since 1994.

• Nickname(s): Zizou; Butthead.

• Playing style: He's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...

...but he too sometimes makes nice.

Good luck, gentlemen (and ladies)!

We'll have more on this story as events develop.........

2006-07-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

Next Up

Einstein's Love Letters Revealed

2006-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Outing Bloggers

Allow me to get meta for just a moment. Lately, a few of my compatriots in what I call the "non-Lomblogosphere" have been "outed" by the news media - exposed as real people with lives and careers away from the Internet. A few were even revealed to have done work that related directly to the people and topics they've blogged on. Luckily, I've taken precautions to avoid this kind of conflict. Namely, I have no life and no career. It's a drastic step, but that's the price one pays to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

Still, I have great sympathy for bloggers who've found their private and professional lives the subject of media scrutiny. It seems this kind of thing is the result of the increasing influence of blogs and the fact that many journalists regard us as a threat of some kind. Why? I don't know. I honestly think that blogs may be the best thing to happen to the news media since Gutenberg invented the printing press and Ben Franklin invented the staple-gun. Thanks to blogs, the reporters and columnists who constitute the establishment press have a whole new audience for their work. And while most of that audience is busy composing expletive-filled hate mail, some will be readers and subscribers for many years to come.

Fortunately, a few people in the big media "get it" and are mature enough to handle the kind of intelligent critique blogs and blog-readers provide.

As David Brooks of the New York Times said to me in a recent e-mail:

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response to my recent column on Iraq. By the way, how did you know my wife is double-jointed?

But back to the topic at hand: should bloggers who'd like to remain anonymous expect cooperation from the news media? For my part, I honestly believe that anonymity is critical to what we do. Blogs like this give voice to the voiceless, the powerless and often, the pantless. Without the cover anonymity provides, dialogue on the Net would be as stilted and lifeless as it is on the nation's editorial pages. In fact, I think the editorial pages should take their cues from blogs. It'd be really cool if every Friday the editors of the Washington Post stopped publishing articles on Social Security reform or the future of the Democratic party and instead printed a bunch of cute pictures of their Calico kittens Fransisca and Princess Fluffytoes. That's when we'd know the "blogovolution" was fully in effect.

Until then, this is one blogger steadfastly guarding my identity from both the Old Media and those nasty people at the DMV.

Anonymously yours,

LF

2006-07-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

Soon On Lomblog

"Uno - Dos...One - Two - Tres - Quattro!"

Out-Of-Work Garage Bands Flock To Participate In Mexican Recount

2006-07-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

NK Nukes: A Solution

News from the Far East put a lot of people on edge this week. Following the long holiday weekend, North Korea's pint-sized Stalinist dictator popped up to remind an administration preoccupied with Iraq and Iran that you can't spell "Axis of Evil" without the "Il". Now the world holds its breath, hoping international condemnation can back down the most seriously bouffanted threat to hit the Asian continent since Gary Glitter.

Will tough talk, combined with diplomacy, do the trick? Can the president resolve this crisis? Can the UN?

I doubt it. But there is someone who could help, and it just so happens she's already a diplomatic force.

Now I realize Mrs. Jolie-Pitt is busy these days, having just given birth to the first product of naturally conceived genetic engineering. No doubt she has many major film projects in the pipeline, as well as responsibilities to her other children, which she adopted once Mia Farrow could no longer financially support them. But pardon me, I think saving the world from nuclear annihilation is a little more important.

By all accounts, Kim Jong is quite the ladies' man as well as a major movie buff. Being across the negotiating table from perhaps the most beautiful film actress of modern times would surely make him think twice about firing off missiles outside his own personal airspace, if you know what I mean.

And after that, who knows where things might lead?

Now I'm not advocating that Jolie permanently leave Brad, Hollywood and her ten biracial deaf orphan children to head off an arms race. But I do think "Jongelina" would be the celebrity coupling to end all celebrity coupling. A year or two as concubine to the ruler of an unstable regime would show that Jolie - and by extension, the entertainment community - is really serious about making a difference. Just like Clark Gable and Jimmy Stewart, who suited up to do battle with the original Axis menace, it's time for today's Hollywood royalty to sacrifice for the good of humanity.

After that, what could Jennifer Aniston possibly complain about?

Adieu for today!

2006-07-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

Enrot

Yesterday, we learned that Enron founder Kenneth Lay died after experiencing a massive heart attack, just six weeks after experiencing a massive prosecution.

Here at Lomblog, we always show respect for the deceased. So let us be the one major news organization to highlight the positives of Mr. Lay's life and legacy.

Most retrospectives on this influential CEO have naturally focused on his central role in one of the country's largest corporate-abuse scandals. Others noted his longstanding friendship with President Bush. What most will overlook is the major contribution to charity he made with the millions he stole.

During his time at the top, Lay's largesse financed everything from construction of the baseball stadium Minute Maid Park (once named "Enron Field") to the Houston Holocaust Museum (once named "Enron Death Camp Exhibit"). There was even a Katy, Texas YMCA named in his honor - until it was decided that association with a convicted criminal and the Village People was too much stigma for one recreational center.

But more than what he gave us in life, there's the lesson he's given us with his death.

Once, like in 1987 or so, it was said that Greed was Good. But now we know the truth: Greed - along with stress brought on by the prospect of life in prison - Kills.

There's a reason why men like Lay burn out in the prime of life - 64 - while the likes of Warren Buffett continue to shine brightly well into their mid-seventies. It's because bilking old ladies out of their life savings puts a terrible strain on the arteries. If Lay had simply acted on the up-and-up, he might still be up-and-up.

So Mr. Lay's passing is just one more chapter that closes the books - cooked or otherwise - on the Age of Greed.

That's assuming he actually is dead.

During his corporate career, Lay proved to be one cagey hombré. It's possible that he has cheated Death too, by, say, shifting his vital signs to a part of his anatomy not yet examined by federal investigators.

But for now, let's listen to a MIDI rendition of "Everytime You Go Away" and think fond thoughts of Ken.

Adieu for today!

2006-06-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Coming Up

International scientists debate the existence of World Cup fever

2006-03-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

Later On Lomblog

South Dakota celebrates International Women's Day

2006-03-07T23:43:00.000-08:00

The Jimmys

Hello old chums,

LF here, post-Oscars - still trying to recover my senses and the three-grand I lost on Brokeback. At least my other picks were mostly correct, though you'll never convince me that Dame Judi Dench didn't "throw" her performance in Mrs. Henderson Presents. I'm afraid you have to be close to this town to know how corrupt it is. But don't take that as criticism - as George Clooney would surely remind us, Hollywood has frequently been the first to expose Hollywood corruption.

Anyway, if you think awards season is finally over, think again. Tinsel Town's next big get-together is just around the corner.

That's right, the Jimmys - the first awards to honor achievement in the pirated motion picture industry. Named in honor of Jimmy Nussle, a nineteen-year-old Kansas man believed to have the largest cache of illegally downloaded movies on his hard drive, the Jimmys will be held this Sunday in the basement of the Kodak Theater. No stars are expected to attend but plenty will appear. And the competition for Best Picture should be quite exciting, though it may take days to complete.

These are the nominees:

• The Forty-Year-Old Virgin (complete) SHARE OR DIE!!! - teddyboy843

• Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith NOT A FAKE - ackbar5904

• Dukes of Hazzard cam. part one JESSICA SIMPSON/BRAESTS - pe439al

• Fat Kid on pogo stick (REALL & HILARIOUS!!!!!!) - dAveDAWg95

• MILF Hunters: Rachel - foghorn4830

Unlike the Oscars, the Jimmys are truly international. For instance, every single nominee in the Sound Effects, Editing and Cinematography categories is Chinese.

So move over, Oscar, there's a new golden boy in town! See you at the Jimmys!

2006-03-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

Oscar Countdown

Our next Best Picture nominee is Good Night And Good Luck.

This movie takes us back to the 1950s, a time when right-wing demagogues used fear and intimidation to drive the nation's press agenda - in other words, just like now but in black and white. Fortunately for all of us, one man wasn't having it: the legendary CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow, who created such a high standard for TV journalism that no broadcaster since has dared live up to it out of respect to his memory. Murrow's lonely, courageous battle against "the Red Scare" is an example to us all, though not so much the part where he chain-smokes unfiltered cigarettes. Still, a generation will always remember his integrity as well as his legendary sign-off, "Seacrest out."

David Strathairn is excellent as Murrow. He is so dull, grey, dour and devoid of expression that we actually believe he has been dead for forty years. But the real find here is the actor who portrays Senator Joseph McCarthy. I didn't stick around long enough to catch his name in the credits and I don't see him on the Oscar ballot but whoever he is, he is really good. Scary good, in fact - I found everything he said very convincing. If this guy wants to get out of the movie biz and start a political career, it's his. Let's just hope he's one of the good guys and not another Schwarzenegger.

Good Night was directed and co-written by George Clooney, who also co-stars and bankrolled this modest production off his Facts of Life residual checks. While the film's message is entirely relevant to our time, the b&w cinematography and jazz soundtrack is a nice throwback to the age of Eisenhower, I Love Lucy and principled reporters.

So cheers to Good Night And Good Luck - the Best Picture of the Year!

Now vote for your Best Picture:

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

2006-03-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

The Zenmaster Is Getting Antsy

Vote in his latest web poll:

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

2006-03-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

More Oscar Preview

If there's a frontrunner at this year's Awards, it has to be Brokeback Mountain.

Directed by Ang Lee and starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, this is easily the most talked-about motion picture of the year, if not the decade. With all the controversy, the criticism, the parodies, it's hard to imagine anyone visiting this blog not already familar with much of what takes place in this film. But out of respect for those who haven't seen it, my review contains absolutely no spoilers.

Brokeback tells the story of Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) and Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal), a pair of young ranch hands who over the course of an early '60s summer in Wyoming discover that they really enjoy doing things together. Things like swimming, fishing, horseback riding and just about anything else that might strike their fancy. But there's one catch: they really, really like doing things together. Like more than they've ever liked doing things with anyone else before. Herein lies the film's universality, as I think we all remember that one buddy from summer camp with whom we just could not part ways. Anyone who's been through that experience or anything similar will surely identify with the characters in this film, to some extent.

So Ennis and Jack promise to be Best Friends Forever while agreeing to keep it "on the downlow", so to speak, as they both get married and start their lives in earnest. But neither can escape the feeling that they'd really rather be doing things together. They agree to get together once a year and return to Brokeback Mountain - and who can blame them? The scenery is gorgeous. However, the wives (Anne Hathaway, Michelle Williams) get a little concerned, as wives tend to do when a husband is spending all his time horsing around with one of his close pals and ignoring the homefront. Again, this is a movie that nearly every American male will relate to, though perhaps some more than others.

As the film progresses, taking us further into the character's lives, it takes on tragic dimensions. We come to feel that Ennis and Jack were destined to do things together but their lives have been undone by society's tendency to frown upon certain people doing things together. Yes, it's a downer.

But Brokeback Mountain is also a very thought-provoking film. I thought about it an awful lot afterwards, which is odd since I've never been a fan of cowboy movies. Certain scenes replayed in my thoughts a lot - so much so that I had to mentally recast the film just to get it out of my head; my version of Brokeback stars Danny DeVito and Paul Giamatti. It's just as well-acted but a little less thought-provoking.

So cheers to Brokeback Mountain - the Best Picture of the Year!

Now take our latest web poll, courtesy the Zenmaster:

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

2006-03-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

Oscar Poll #2

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

2006-03-02T17:41:00.000-08:00

Oscar Preview

In just a few short days, the 78th Annual Academy Awards will kick off in Los Angeles. For us film fans, it's like the Olympics, the Super Bowl and the Daytona 500 all rolled into one but longer. This year's telecast may be the most interesting in years, with the expected dominance of Brokeback Mountain and the likelihood that afterwards Oscar will never again find solace in heterosexual drama. All this anticipation only served to remind me: I haven't seen any of the films nominated this year. So in the interest of providing a learned assessment of this year's ceremonies, I'm scrambling to catch all the Best Picture candidates before the red carpet - and Joan Rivers' wax remains - are officially rolled out on Sunday.

Last night I caught Capote starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Naturally, the story of an ambitious eccentric who inserts himself into a major news event with seemingly little concern for the real people involved has great resonance with me. I probably haven't identified so strongly with a character on screen since PSH's earlier role in Happiness. Hoffman doesn't just play Truman Capote, he is Truman Capote, in a performance so convincing that even months after the film's release, Liza Minelli is still calling him up at 3:00 am and demanding to raid his Quaalude stash. The film also provides fascinating insight into the literary world of the 1960s; who knew that famed To Kill A Mockingbird author Harper Lee (played by the exquisite Catherine Keener) was also one of the world's first "fag hags"?

It's in the story of Capote's relationship with a convicted killer, Robert Blake, that we see what an innovator the man really was. We witness how he pioneered the "non-fiction novel", a concept which the likes of James Frey have recently picked up and taken to new heights. With that in mind, it's too bad that Truman largely operated before the age of crack and Oprah because he really could've been somebody. Instead he became a sad, wasted figure chatting it up with celebrities at drug-and-sex-infested parties at Studio 54 - ie. living the American dream. But what a talent that creepy manipulative bastard was. The whole film made me want to pull out my well-worn, yellowed-out copy of In Cold Blood and actually read it instead of wearing it and coloring it yellow.

So cheers to Capote - the Best Picture of the year!

Now here's your chance to sound off on an Oscar category, via our old friend the Zenmaster:

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

2006-02-22T23:45:00.000-08:00

More Soon...

Including a Bumshot Mountain symposium, but first a brand-new sponser:

2006-02-18T23:28:00.000-08:00

The Cheney Shooting: What Might Have Happened

One week ago, an event occurred that has since transfixed the nation. Though the two principals have spoken to the press, there is still much we don't know about last weekend's accident in Texas. Until a definitive account is published or broadcast by major media, perhaps only fiction can bring us close to the truth...

In the summer of 1963 when Richard "Dick" Cheney first met Harry "Harry" Whittington, neither was a big wig in Republican politics. They were just simple ranchhands. Tall, lean and handy with a rope, Harry had dreams of someday starting a law practice in his native Texas. Chubby, steely-eyed and crooked of mouth, Dick's goals were more base: to repeatedly enter and exit the revolving door of government and corporate life, while making millions for himself, his clients and contributors. But herding sheep that summer on the Wyoming plains, both realized there was a lot more they wanted - and could never have.

In fact, it was clear from their very first night around the campfire together that a very special kinship was forming.

"I tell ya, this is mighty good grub," Dick grinned. "Where did you learn to cook like this?"

"Oh, Dick, you know I'm an ol' Texas boy," Harry smiled back. "I done been campin' and cookin' fer years."

"Texas?" Dick's eyes lit up. "I hear there's a lot of money in oil down there, and a burgeoning Republican party that will slowly take over the state, then the nation in the years after Kennedy gets his head blown off in Dallas."

Harry looked perplexed. "What, Dick? The president's gonna be shot? In Dallas? How do you know that?"

"Don't ask me how I know," the young Westerner sneered. "I just know."

It was almost sundown when Harry heard a noise near the tents he and Dick had set up earlier.

"What's that, Dick? I think we got some mean critters tryin' to raid our food stash."

"I know what that is," Dick calmly replied before grabbing his trusty shotgun. "Coyotes." He then fired eight shots into the night air, four of which ricocheted off a tent pole and landed in Harry's backside.

"Damnit, Dick! You nailed me in the ass somethin' fierce!"

"You shoulda had the sense to get outta my way."

"Well, you should have better aim!"

"Hey old coot - go fuck yourself."

Not wishing to cause more trouble, Harry murmured, "I'm sorry, Dick. It really is my fault."

After twenty-two minutes, Dick's humanitarian instincts took hand and he dragged Harry into his tent. With a first-aid kit in hand and remembering all he'd learned as a Cub Scout, Cheney began to stitch up the wounded posterior. As he did, Harry felt not just relieved but actually soothed by Dick's bulky fingers and gruff, authoritarian manner. Then Dick lurched his hand away.

"Goddamnit Dick, if you stop right now, I won't be able to sit fer the rest of the summer!"

"You know why I stopped, old man," Dick replied, sneering again. "I'm not no queer. I don't know how they do things in the Lone Star State, but here in Wyoming, we don't cotton to that. My daddy told me about men what got shot, stabbed, dragged behind a pickup truck, sent home without severance pay for doing what I just did to you."

"But Dick....you were just stitching up my rear-end!"

"It's all about appearances. Maybe public relations won't matter when you go off and become a lawyer, but it sure does where I'm headed. That's why we can't let anybody know about what happened tonight. When you go back to Texas and they ask you about those bullets in your ass, you tell 'em you were shot by a Cuban national."

"Well, ok, Dick. I won't tell a soul. A one-shot thing. Nobody's business but ours."

What neither man realized is that they weren't completely alone that night. Watching their silhouettes was the owner of the Legal Limit Ranch, a lanky Connecticut WASP turned Texas wildcatter whom everyone called "Poppy."

"Poppy" had bought Wyoming land in hopes of establishing a beachhead for his family's ambitions in every one of the lower forty-eight. He'd hired the Cheney kid after seeing him in action at Yale a few years earlier. It was obvious that he was a troubled young man but also determined, crafty and very loyal. And with knowledge of what he'd seen through the lens of his binoculars, "Poppy" knew that Dick would be in debt to he and his clan for the rest of his natural life.

At the end of that summer, Dick and Harry shook hands and went their separate ways. But the memory of Bumshot Mountain was something that never left them. Individually, their dreams were realized: Harry become a prominent attorney and political contributer; Dick got married, sired a lesbian daughter and profitted off his public service. But despite their busy lives, they always set aside one weekend a year to be together. Sometimes the wives got suspicious; Lynne, Dick's missus, once asked, "What is it you do on these 'hunting trips'? You never bag any quail and Harry always comes back limping." Dick insisted his wife had no right to know of his activities and referred all further questioning to his Chief of Staff, L. "Scooter" Libby. As the years passed, the get-togethers became less frequent yet somehow they needed them more.

On their last visit, at the Armstrong ranch in mid-February, the vice-president of the United States confided in his old riding partner.

"Harry, Washington life just isn't working for me. Everyone I know is either under indictment or distancing themselves from me. We can't keep meeting like this. That's why I'm thinkin' about going south, and I want you to come with me. Harry, let's go to Mexico."

"Mexico, Dick? They'd kill us there!"

"No, they wouldn't. There's lots of places they'd kill us but not there. Think about it - in the day, we'd fish, hunt, go riding. And in the evenings, we'd cuddle but nothing more, because I believe in the sanctity of a committed heterosexual union."

Harry was just about to answer when he heard a rustling in the bushes.

"What's that, Dick? I think we got some war protesters afoot. Secret Service here?"

"Don't need em," Dick calmly replied as he grabbed his trusty shotgun. "I know what that is. Cindy Sheehan."

He then fired twelve shots, most of which landed in Harry, who had gone to check for demonstrators.

As he lay wounded, with injuries in his chest, neck and face, Harry muttered words that would define the essence of their relationship.

"I wish I could quit getting shot by you, Dick Cheney."

2006-02-14T02:48:00.000-08:00

Coming To Lomblog

Exclusive coverage of the Cheney shooting, including the first photos from Saturday's hunting trip:

Plus, a look at how conservative media is covering the incident:

2006-02-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Cartoon Stirs International @#%!Storm

Well, the Muhammed cartoon controversy continues to rage. Not since Gary Larson drew the ire of Hindus for his portrayal of cows in The Far Side series has the world witnessed an uproar like this. Things have gotten so bad that tourists in Muslim-dominated countries have been advised to return home as quickly as possible, and to absolutely, positively avoid doodling.

The cartoons, originally published in Denmark, have yet to be reprinted in the US. Also, as a preemptive measure of sorts, major American cartoonists have begun reaching out to the Islamic community:

Like many in my field - such as it is - I've done a lot of thinking on this topic. For rarely have my private and public values - such as they are - come into such stark conflict. I am, of course, a staunch proponent of the Muslim cause. But the TV scenes of violent protest leave a queasy feeling in my stomach, and not just because the phrase "burning Danish consulate" stirs up improper hunger pangs. It seems that despite my best efforts, the angry, Allah-fearing youth of the Middle East have yet to really "lighten up." As with our efforts to promote Arab democracy, it may take decades, even centuries for Muslims to understand, much less embrace the hip, irreverent, let-it-all-hang-out humor that's become synonymous with both Lomblog and Scandinavians.

Every culture has its own concept of "funny": The French laugh at slapstick; the British, drag humor; the Germans, the futility of existence. This is why accomplished humorists and raconteurs so often tailor their remarks to fit the tastes and mores of whatever audience they happen to speak before.

For instance, whenever I talk to a AIPAC meeting, I like to begin with this joke:

Q. What's the first thing Yasir Arafat heard when he went to Heaven?

A. Sorry, wrong door - we thought you were Ringo Starr!

But when I speak at a Hamas fundraiser, this is how I like to start:

Q. What's the first thing Ariel Sharon will hear when he goes to Heaven?

A. Ariel Sharon will not go to Heaven. He will burn in the putrid bowls of Hell along with the other infidels, butchers and defiers of God's will who have bloodied the people of Palestine. All hail Hamas!

Either way, the line kills. Which I think proves that we all have a lot more in common than we realize.

Is there a solution on the horizon? I see only one: President Bush should appoint a special humor envoy to the Middle East. Someone who understands the sensitivities of the region but has a real desire to rebuild and reshape the Islamic fundamentalist funnybone. If Danny Thomas were still alive, he would be perfect for this. Since he's not, I suggest Robin Williams. He has an international following, voiced a character in Aladdin and has that manic quality the Arab street seems to appreciate. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing conveys desperation like Robin whipping out a Richard Simmons bit from 1987. But even that would bring the Muslim world one baby step closer to understanding contemporary satire.

Must dash - I have to polish up my entry in Iran's "Make A Funny Blog About The Holocaust" contest.

Yours,

LF

2006-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

Indie-cent Exposure

Well, it's great to be back home, after three grueling days partying and attending screenings at the annual Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. Although I'm a longtime admirer of independent and experimental cinema - I mean, DUH! - this was my first time experiencing the festival in person. What a wonder - Robert Redford has created something truly unique in American film history, and if he had to sacrifice skin care in doing so, more kudos to him. I just wish there were a festival like this later in the year in a location a little more conducive to my jetset lifestyle - say, late May in the south of France? No matter, I had a lot of fun.

Since I arrived near the festival's close, I didn't get to see/camcord the majority of films that were in competition this year. But the ones I watched lead me to believe that '06 may be a banner year in moviedom, building on last year's triumphs like Brokeback Mountain, Capote, TransAmerica and one of those films where Charlize Theron gets beat up by miners or something. Of the entries I caught, these were my favorites:

• I'm Not Gonna Cry Now - Riveting true-to-life story of a woman who discovers the baby she gave up for adoption is now fully grown.

• Looking For Gary Busey - Riveting documentary about a pair of out-of-work actors who travel across country in search of actor Gary Busey. Starring, directed and written by actor Gary Busey.

• OUTSEASONED - Riveting documentary exposing the garlic-based biases of cable's Food Network.

• Soldier Bois - Riveting true-to-life story of gay soldiers in WW2 whose homosexuality is so suppressed, they can only express it through inventive mispelling of common words.

Catch these sleepers when they hit the theaters later this year. For now, I'm going to wash the rest of my clothes so they don't smell so....Ebert-y.

Letterboxed with love,

LF

2006-01-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

Coming Up

Is God Punishing Oprah?

2006-01-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

Eavesdropping The Ball

Yesterday, President Bush visited the National Security Agency - an organization so secretive it refuses to reveal its initials - in an attempt to buck up staffers charged with the tedious task of "decoding" America's smileys. The agency has taken the lead role in a massive domestic spying program that some call "Big Brother" and others call "elimiRIGHTS". For like most of the president's decisions, it's hard to find a middle ground. Defenders claim eavesdropping is a vital tool in the War on Terror as we seek to scope out those radical Islamists within our midst that always phone home during Ramadan. Critics charge Bush's actions are not only invasive and unnecessary but a betrayal of our Founders' intent: that America be a nation of laws, not of Mr. Furleys.

I, of course, have strong feelings on this issue. But I'm keeping them to myself out of fear that they will make me a target of government surveillance, just like MLK back in the '60s. And he didn't even blog! Unless you count this.

No, what really concerns me, an amateur terror-fighter, is the Feds' utter unresponsiveness to citizen informants. Witness this transcript of a recent call to the FBI tipline:

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Hello? Is this the FBI? I want to report some suspicious activity.

OPERATOR: Yes? Go on.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, nothing I've witnessed firsthand. But I think my girlfriend is seeing an Al Qaeda operative.

OPERATOR: And why do you think this?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Just a hunch. I've seen them together a couple of times now. He's a large man - about 6'3; dark hair, dark complexion...especially lately; and beard. Well, not a full beard, but you know, facial hair. Like Skeet Ulrich?

OPERATOR: And is he of Arab descent?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: That I don't know, and I'm not really one for stereotyping but...(pause)

OPERATOR: What? Is there anything else?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Yes. Do you remember that shoe bomber?

OPERATOR: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, this guy owns a LOT of shoes. A lot. Like a new pair every day. And one time, I followed him. Into a shoe store. He was buying these big snow boots, like Timberlands, I think, and --

OPERATOR: Could you speed this up a bit? What did you find suspicious?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, like I said - nothing I've seen firsthand. But it's an outdoor cafe where they eat every day - sometimes at noon, sometimes around three o'clock....and once, when I went to pick up some groceries around five, I happened to pass by, and there they were...

OPERATOR: And you've overheard conversations that troubled you?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well no, I wouldn't expect them to be plotting right out there in the open! But I've seen them together a few times now, and everytime I do, I just get this sinking feeling. A feeling of, "This guy is going to blow up downtown LA."

OPERATOR: And have you talked to your girlfriend about this?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: God no! What, do you think I'm nuts?!

OPERATOR: So you decided to call the FBI?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, I just read about this surveillance program, and I thought you could maybe...do some things like.....well, not tap her phone because she really doesn't use a landline much, but if you could somehow get her cell phone records.....e-mail...her AIM account, which is sweetiegurl515.....if you could just get some of that and maybe share the information with me -

OPERATOR: Uh, even if we were to follow up on your report, we wouldn't be able to share any of that with you.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Really? Why not?

OPERATOR: It's not our policy to share sensitive information in a criminal investigation with a private citizen.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: But I'm her boyfriend!

OPERATOR: Sorry.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Damnit. Ok, it was worth a try.

OPERATOR: Thank you for contacting us.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Thank you for listening.

OPERATOR: Goodbye.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Oh wait -

OPERATOR: Yes?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Don't tell her I called, ok.

OPERATOR: Ok.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: I could be totally wrong about this. It could be her brother for all I know but I don't think so. (Dial Tone) Are you still there?

Hopefully the publication of this transcript will shame the government into taking terrorism prevention a bit more seriously.

2006-01-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

Hello and Welcome Again!

Greetings to all. If you've clicked here and noticed a special glow emanating from your computer screen, you should probably shut down. But it may also be the new look we're sporting as we prepare to enter our third (!) successful (!) year of highly erratic posting. Just kidding - Lomblog is back, and this time no amount of angst or bitterness will stop me until I've penetrated the public consciousness as thoroughly as that Jib Jab crap.

As usual, there were many theories about my absence. Some saw it as yet more evidence that God was punishing America. Others speculated that I was still licking the wounds left over from my recent break-up with Fiona Apple - or as the trade publications called us "Lombaire Faniona." Regardless, I have returned to my natural home with a fresh commitment to providing the kind of subtle, sophisticated, insightful commentary this country desperately needs but doesn't in any way deserve.

I have to admit to feeling a bit adrift in the new year. I regret not being here to provide the last word on the critical events of November, December and early-to-mid-January, when America edged ever closer to a "constitutional crisis" while making entirely too many "gay cowboy" jokes. Perhaps it's because I spent several tension-filled weeks in the Middle East organizing a Friar's Club roast of Ariel Sharon. Of course, it could still happen - Gilbert Gottfried and I check the wire services every day. No matter; the show must go on, as someone fond of cliches once said. So check this space tomorrow for subtle, sophisticated, insightful "gay cowboy" jokes. Until then...

Adieu!