Eavesdropping The Ball



Yesterday, President Bush visited the National Security Agency - an organization so secretive it refuses to reveal its initials - in an attempt to buck up staffers charged with the tedious task of "decoding" America's smileys. The agency has taken the lead role in a massive domestic spying program that some call "Big Brother" and others call "elimiRIGHTS". For like most of the president's decisions, it's hard to find a middle ground. Defenders claim eavesdropping is a vital tool in the War on Terror as we seek to scope out those radical Islamists within our midst that always phone home during Ramadan. Critics charge Bush's actions are not only invasive and unnecessary but a betrayal of our Founders' intent: that America be a nation of laws, not of Mr. Furleys.



I, of course, have strong feelings on this issue. But I'm keeping them to myself out of fear that they will make me a target of government surveillance, just like MLK back in the '60s. And he didn't even blog! Unless you count this.

No, what really concerns me, an amateur terror-fighter, is the Feds' utter unresponsiveness to citizen informants. Witness this transcript of a recent call to the FBI tipline:

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Hello? Is this the FBI? I want to report some suspicious activity.

OPERATOR: Yes? Go on.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, nothing I've witnessed firsthand. But I think my girlfriend is seeing an Al Qaeda operative.

OPERATOR: And why do you think this?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Just a hunch. I've seen them together a couple of times now. He's a large man - about 6'3; dark hair, dark complexion...especially lately; and beard. Well, not a full beard, but you know, facial hair. Like Skeet Ulrich?



OPERATOR: And is he of Arab descent?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: That I don't know, and I'm not really one for stereotyping but...(pause)

OPERATOR: What? Is there anything else?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Yes. Do you remember that shoe bomber?

OPERATOR: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, this guy owns a LOT of shoes. A lot. Like a new pair every day. And one time, I followed him. Into a shoe store. He was buying these big snow boots, like Timberlands, I think, and --

OPERATOR: Could you speed this up a bit? What did you find suspicious?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, like I said - nothing I've seen firsthand. But it's an outdoor cafe where they eat every day - sometimes at noon, sometimes around three o'clock....and once, when I went to pick up some groceries around five, I happened to pass by, and there they were...

OPERATOR: And you've overheard conversations that troubled you?


UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well no, I wouldn't expect them to be plotting right out there in the open! But I've seen them together a few times now, and everytime I do, I just get this sinking feeling. A feeling of, "This guy is going to blow up downtown LA."

OPERATOR: And have you talked to your girlfriend about this?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: God no! What, do you think I'm nuts?!

OPERATOR: So you decided to call the FBI?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, I just read about this surveillance program, and I thought you could maybe...do some things like.....well, not tap her phone because she really doesn't use a landline much, but if you could somehow get her cell phone records.....e-mail...her AIM account, which is sweetiegurl515.....if you could just get some of that and maybe share the information with me -

OPERATOR: Uh, even if we were to follow up on your report, we wouldn't be able to share any of that with you.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Really? Why not?

OPERATOR: It's not our policy to share sensitive information in a criminal investigation with a private citizen.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: But I'm her boyfriend!

OPERATOR: Sorry.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Damnit. Ok, it was worth a try.

OPERATOR: Thank you for contacting us.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Thank you for listening.

OPERATOR: Goodbye.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Oh wait -

OPERATOR: Yes?

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Don't tell her I called, ok.

OPERATOR: Ok.

UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: I could be totally wrong about this. It could be her brother for all I know but I don't think so. (Dial Tone) Are you still there?

Hopefully the publication of this transcript will shame the government into taking terrorism prevention a bit more seriously.