Back Again

LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.

The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.

I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.

(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT

INTRO

(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!




1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!

1ST BREAK

Now STOP!

1ST VERSE

Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm

You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming

BRIDGE

You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!

2ND CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!

2ND BREAK

Now DROP! And HIDE!

2ND VERSE

Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter

'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you

2ND BRIDGE

For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!

3RD CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities

Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!