Help Needed

Hello readers,

I'm going to need your help with something. I recently received a tip from a confidential source who says that in private conversations over a five-year period, Pope Benedict XVI repeatedly used the phrase "badonkadonk".



If you or anyone you know can verify this, contact me.

Thanks.

Who Will Follow?

The big news this week is undoubtedly the death of Pope John Paul II. In Rome, thousands of mourners have gathered at St. Peter's Basilica for a chance to pay final respects and be interviewed by CNN's Anderson Cooper. It is impossible to not be moved by this procession. Of course, I didn't always see eye to eye with the pontiff; we disagreed on issues like abortion, the death penalty, gay marriage and the papal doctrine of infallibility. But I certainly admired his gusto, and even as a non-Catholic, felt a special kinship. When you consider the Pope's outspoken stance against the degradations of modern society, as conveyed in lengthy encyclicals which even his supposed followers didn't read, I think it's fair to dub him "World's Most Exalted Blogger."

As the affection for John Paul pours in from people of all faiths, it's shocking to consider that just a few decades ago Catholics were the subject of vicious slurs, even hate speak. In less enlightened quarters, Catholicism was portrayed as a sinister "cult" within Christianity; the Pope himself called a "spawn of Satan". Fortunately, that kind of bigotry is mostly behind us now. Today, the Church is far more synonymous with ritual child sex abuse and systemic cover-up. You've come a long way, baby!

So the question now is, What's next? Where does the Catholic flock go from here, and who will lead them? Luckily, I happen to have a close friend who works inside the Vatican and is privy to confidential discussions among Rome's elite clergy. Here's an e-mail I received from him today:

LF,

You and your readers may be aware that the College of Cardinals have selected April 18 as the date in which a new pope will be selected. But from what I'm hearing, the announcement could be quite anti-climactic. That's because one candidate has leapfrogged over all others, partly on the basis of his closeness to the deceased. He is perhaps the only possible replacement who can match John Paul's rock-star charisma and fervent world following. He is a man of proven compassion and deep spiritual faith. Alone among the potential pontiffs, he brings the promise of energy, youth and above all, constant media attention.

Catholics far and wide, meet your new Holy Father:



You could say this is a real "Hail Mary pass" by the Cardinals. But the many potential upsides far outweigh the down. In contrast to the current church leadership - seen as archaic and stuck in its ways - Bono is a master at reinventing himself. It's a trait that's enabled him to stay relevant long past the likes of Simple Minds' Jim Kerr or that other mullet-wearing guy who sang for the Alarm.

While John Paul II was the most well-traveled pope in history, Bono is even more well-traveled. He has shown the ability to lift the spirits of the downtrodden the world over, whether they inhabit rundown huts in North Africa or the studio audience of Saturday Night Live. His way with a romantic ballad and unvarnished masculinity will also help the Church recover some heterosexual bona fides lost in the recent molestation scandals.

Of course, this decision is not yet final. There are still kinks to be worked out. Bono is not actually Catholic, nor does he speak Italian. If he accepts, he will have to slightly reduce the size of his personal entourage and cutback on outside projects. Moreover, as a long-term member of one of the world's most successful rock bands, the projected pope no doubt has much to atone for, such as wearing leather pants at Live Aid and the Village People crap in that late Nineties video. I won't say Pop was as bad as the Crusades, but man, what a stinker.

Would the papacy of Bono I be traditionalist or reformist? His lyrics might give some clue but it probably depends on how heavily Brian Eno is involved in the production of Mass.

Lastly, there is a chance that Bono could turn down this high honor. Leading the world's largest Christian denomination is an even more high-pressure gig than heading the World Bank or advertising iPods. But the man has never been known to shrink from a stage.

Everyone at the Vatican can only hope that when the offer is finally made, Bono's response goes something like this:

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

Healing The Divide

Some of you may be wondering what ol' LF has been up to these last few weeks. It just so happens that I've been putting the finishing touches on a very special project. With so much of the country divided these days between red and blue, church and state, Desperate Housewives and desperately seeking a visa, I felt it was time to reach across this great chasm of ours and say, in the eloquent parlance of Vice President Cheney, "Chasm, go f*%# yourself." Because when you get right down to it, despite our many differences, we are all still Americans....for now.

That's why I'm pleased to announce the launch of a publication that I hope will soon become a meeting ground for the ardently faith-based and the rigorously analytical. Whether your muse is Galilieo or the Gospels, Darwin or Dobson, I think you'll find more than a few Good Words in the pages of this new magazine:




For those cynical among you, this is not a crass attempt to exploit an emerging niche market. It is a sincere, good-faith effort to introduce rationality and progress to the the world of those that believe in the Scriptures as literal fact. My contribution to this first issue - an exclusive interview with singer Pat Boone, in which he discusses his attempts to convince the dying Carl Sagan to renounce the Big Bang Theory - is rather small. But if I have played some small role in cooling the flames of national division.....well, I'll feel like I've done a little bit of God's work myself.

Praise the Lord and pass the petri dish - the spirit is with me!

Doing My Part

As I'm sure everyone knows, this is a very tense time for relations between the great spiritual sects. It seems like every day brings another development that threatens to drive new walls between Christians and Jews, Muslims and Jews, Christians and Muslims and regular God-believers vs. people that are into some kind of tripped-up yoga-based thing that Madonna practices. It's a shame, and one that carries with it tragic repercussions. And the worst part is, it's all completely unnecessary. Despite the surface differences, most people of faith have an awful lot in common. As I hope you can see, I've given this a lot of thought. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe the hatred and mistrust would lesson a little if only we could see past the symbols that divide us.

Well, one of those symbols need divide us no longer.



What you see here is, as far as I'm aware, the world's very first Mohammed fish. Print it out, put it on a t-shirt, or get your very own Mohammed fish bumper sticker by writing to me at lombairefan@hotmail.com (prices currently unavailable). Even if you're not Muslim, you may want one anyway - it can't hurt to show a little solidarity with members of the world's largest and fastest-growing religion, can it? I won't be happy until I see these babies all over the highways of North America.

Who knows? Maybe even Madonna will get one.

The Jesus Junket



This week, Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ once again claimed the top crown at the box office, beating out (appropriately enough) last week's #1, Hellboy. Yes, after more than a month of wide release, the Passion phenomenon shows no sign of abating. Now, normally, I don't care too much for box office statistics; certainly, Lombaire didn't. Except I consider myself very fortunate, for a few weeks ago, I scored one of the earliest interviews with the film's principal character and spiritual inspiritation as he began a massive publicity tour across the United States.

I met Jesus Christ at his room in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, conveniently located in midtown Manhattan. Trim, bearded, and standing a little over 6' feet tall, he looked every inch the blessed, 33-year-old savior who had died for the world's sins.

Mine would be the fifth print interview conducted with Jesus that day but certainly not the last. He had already spoken with Le Monde, The Christian Science Monitor, The Village Voice (which pressed him hard on his Iraq stance), and Rolling Stone (who asked him to pose for the cover of its "Who's Hot?" issue with actress Brittany Murphy; he declined). He also had a busy schedule of TV appearances lined up, as seen in the accompanying portrait.

Of course, I've been around big stars before, stars that commanded everyone's attention with their mere physical presence; Pam Dawber comes to mind. But I've never seen a celebrity whose physicality literally lit up a room the way Jesus did. Just to ease the pressure, I began our conversation with a bit of light banter:

LOMBAIRE FAN: You know, I really don't think you can prepare too much for an interview like this. One thing I've been struggling with all day: how should I address you? Is it alright if I call you "J-Chri"?

JESUS CHRIST: (Laughs) You'd be surprised by how many people have used that line, just in the few hours since I started this thing.

LF: Well, forgive me for being unoriginal...you must get that a lot too, eh? "Forgive me"?

JC: (unsmiling) No.

LF: Well, let's talk about the film. I have to confess I haven't seen it yet.

JC: No sweat. I understand the lines are very long.

LF: Well, I tried to see the film but I was in Times Square, I thought I was going to see it and I ended up seeing The Passion of the Christophers, which was a completely different kind of film.

JC: Oh...the kind of film that was played in Babylonia perhaps?

LF: Yes, perhaps. Strangely enough, this film was
also in Aramaic, which I was kinda impressed by.

So, speaking of that, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

JC: Oooh. I was afraid this would come up.

LF: That's what she said!

JC: What?

LF: Uh, never mind.

JC: Well, as you can imagine, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But I do have friends that are homosexual, just as I have friends who are whores, thieves and money-changers.

LF: But surely you're not lumping them all into the same boat?

JC: Of course not. Who do I look like - Noah?!

LF: (Laughs) It's fascinating to hear you say that though, because as I understand it, 10% of the population is gay. So that means that out of the 12 apostles - if I'm doing my math correctly - almost 1 and a quarter were gay.

JC: (Chuckles) I never asked. I mean, I needed all the help I could get, and those guys were there for me. Mostly.

LF: Which brings up another touchy subject. As you know, a lot of people have said the film is anti-Semitic. How do you take those accusations?

JC: It hits me pretty hard, I have to admit. As everybody knows, I come from a Jewish background. And I've never tried to deny it or run away from it in any way.

LF: Unlike some in the entertainment industry.

JC: Well...you said it, not me.

LF: But if the film's not anti-Semitic...surely it's not exactly pro-Semitic, is it, Jesus?

JC: Hey, look, it tells my story as truthfully as it can. And reality intrudes somewhat. You can only sugarcoat things so much. I mean, let's get real here: Judas Iscariot was not a Swede. It takes place in Israel, so what do you know...there are Jews in it! And some of them are good and some are bad.

LF: Understood. Another controversy, this one unrelated to the movie, that I just have to ask you about: did you really tell Pat Robertson that Bush would win "in a walk"?

JC: I did say that but that comment has been completely misinterpreted. That was late December; everyone thought Bush was going to win in a walk. But things have changed. Right now, if I had to bet - and if betting weren't an insidious invitation to mortal sin - I'd give Kerry the edge, as long as he can take advantage of the outsourcing issue in the critical Midwestern swing states like Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin.

LF: How do you vote?

JC: I don't, actually. Obviously, I don't lack interest; I'm just soo busy. I'm kinda everywhere at once and part of everything...it's hard to find the time. But I do like some of the things Dennis Kucinich has been saying. In fact, if I could arrange such things, I'd intervene and help him find a missus.

LF: You can't arrange such things?? There goes my next question!

JC: Oh, your time will come.

LF: Good to know. Ok, one more for the road: what has the reaction to you on the streets been like?

JC: It's been great. People come up to me and say things like, "You da man, Jesus!" or "13 years sober - and it's all because of you." It gets a little wild with some of the older ladies but that's ok.

LF: Bit of a Tom Jones reaction, huh?

JC: (Laughs) Heh...I guess.

LF: Well, Jesus, it was a pleasure talking to you.

JC: Likewise.

LF: And I hope you come back.

JC: I will. But not to New York. (winks)