Healing The Divide

Some of you may be wondering what ol' LF has been up to these last few weeks. It just so happens that I've been putting the finishing touches on a very special project. With so much of the country divided these days between red and blue, church and state, Desperate Housewives and desperately seeking a visa, I felt it was time to reach across this great chasm of ours and say, in the eloquent parlance of Vice President Cheney, "Chasm, go f*%# yourself." Because when you get right down to it, despite our many differences, we are all still Americans....for now.

That's why I'm pleased to announce the launch of a publication that I hope will soon become a meeting ground for the ardently faith-based and the rigorously analytical. Whether your muse is Galilieo or the Gospels, Darwin or Dobson, I think you'll find more than a few Good Words in the pages of this new magazine:




For those cynical among you, this is not a crass attempt to exploit an emerging niche market. It is a sincere, good-faith effort to introduce rationality and progress to the the world of those that believe in the Scriptures as literal fact. My contribution to this first issue - an exclusive interview with singer Pat Boone, in which he discusses his attempts to convince the dying Carl Sagan to renounce the Big Bang Theory - is rather small. But if I have played some small role in cooling the flames of national division.....well, I'll feel like I've done a little bit of God's work myself.

Praise the Lord and pass the petri dish - the spirit is with me!

Yasir, We Hardly Knew Ye

Yesterday, a remarkable individual passed away. As one who has championed the cause of Palestinian statehood ever since it was first explained to me, the loss of Yasir Arafat hit me at gut level. Me and the Big Y may not have agreed on every issue - such as the use of terrorism to advance political aims - but he sure had my respect. A larger than life figure, Arafat's passing leaves a void in the Middle East, which can be filled with just so much death and destruction. But it won't be the same without him.

I think all of us will remember where we were and what we were doing when we first heard the news that Yasir was dead. I was driving to a 2 pm showing of Shark Tale. I felt sad - for Mrs. Arafat and the Palestinian people. As sad as I was that day, I was even sadder the second time I learned of his death, three days later. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing; the second and third Arafat "deaths" have kind of blurred together in my mind. Oh! - I was polishing my new end table. And the third time? Well, I'm pretty sure I just had the tv on in the background and wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. "Ho hum, Arafat's dead again" - no, seriously, if I had been watching, I'm sure I would've been very distraught.

So thank you, Yasir, for your steady leadership in times of change. We may not have always agreed with you, or even known whether you were alive or dead, but we always knew where you stood. And for that, you'll always have an uncontested homeland in our hearts.

Election (Very) Post-Mortem

Your old friend LF here, returning from my five-day post-election bender. Right now I'm feeling as hungover and weathered as Yasir Arafat's head-dress. And let's face it, the chances of either of us being seen on White House grounds again are looking pretty slim. But I did manage to file one more report from the campaign trail Tuesday evening. Of course, it was based on preliminary exit polls that later proved inaccurate, so I've had to make a few minor revisions....

Well, the people have spoken and it appears they've said a resounding no to four more years of President George W. Bush Senator John F. Kerry. Though he campaigned energetically to the end, Bush Kerry wasn't able to overcome the rising tide of voter anger contentment. Americans were in a mood for change, not more of the same, and ready to turn the page on a blind eye toward chronic job losses, out-of-control deficits, chaos in Iraq and the shame not-so-big-deal of Abu Gharib. With all the mechanisms of power at his disposal, Bush Kerry finally couldn't defeat an ironclad rule of all re-election races: results do don't matter.

The outcome was tight and long in doubt, but events at campaign's close likely tipped the balance. When Osama Bin-Laden reappeared on videotape just three days before the election, it highlighted the fact that after four years as president twenty years in the Senate, Bush Kerry had failed to make America safer by capturing the terrorist mastermind responsible for 9-11. Nor had he spelled out a vision for a potential second term presidency beyond more large tax cuts for the wealthy middle class, lawyer - CEO bashing and embracing opposing the religious right's cultural agenda. Instead he waged a campaign of fear: fear of Kerry Bush, fear of terrorism a possible draft and fear of a "flip-flopping" "Massachusetts liberal" "reckless, arrogant" Republican incumbency. Probably the campaign's pivot point was the first debate, where in contrast to Mr. Kerry's Bush's poised, confident performance, Bush Kerry seemed flustered, defensive, reduced to the tedious recitation of a single catchphrase: "It's hard work" "I have a plan". From then on, it was straight downhill.

The election may have turned on negative feelings about Mr. Bush Kerry and concerns about the nation's direction, but with a brand-new old chief executive committed to making a fresh start hell, there are reasons to be cautiously delusionally optimistic. Kerry Bush is, after all, an authentic war hero president who understands undermines the combat experience. During his political career, he's demonstrated a willingness to work with smear politicians from both sides, such as Senator John McCain of Arizona. As a senator president, the environment has always been a high low priority for him. He's committed to advancing opposing scientific research. Having traveled the world since he was a youth fifty-five-year-old, President Kerry Bush can perhaps repair completely destroy our fractured global alliances. Yes, now's the time for all Americans white evangelical Christians and voters earning over $100,000 a year to get behind their leader. Certainly, he will need all the help he can get, as he faces a hostile lapdog Congress and several difficult challenges consonants.

So congratulations, President-Elect Kerry President Bush on your remarkable victory. You truly have a mandate for sweeping change banning gay marriage. As a wise man once said, "Bring it on!" "Mission accomplished!"

Election Night

Well, it's election night in these United States and you can feel the tension in the air. The results are just now trickling in, but here at Lomblog we are absolutely commited to not declaring a winner until all the votes are counted. Which means we should be able to project a victor by March 7, 2006. Still, we come prepared.

If Senator Kerry wins tonight, you'll see a graphic much like this one:




But if President Bush gets four more years, this is what you might see:




More to come...

Breaking My Silence

If you've e-mailed recently, you probably know I've spent most of the past week in seclusion. And even after recovering my apartment keys, I remained in seclusion. You see, some vicious rumors about yours truly have been circulating across the Internet - charges so tawdry and sordid, even I wouldn't forward them. This has been an extremely painful time, not only for myself, but for all members of my family that still speak to me. So let me take this opportunity to once and for all clear the air.

The job of writing America's #4,323-rated public affairs blog on an almost weekly basis is a difficult one. In an effort to beef up my staff, I interviewed, via webcam, a few applicants for the position of Lomblog executive editor. During one of these conversations, I apparently left the cam on before I had completely changed out of my Spider Man pajamas. Because the camera was fuzzy and I happened to be eating a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the same time...well, evidently this constitutes sexual harrassment in certain jurisdictions. Needless to say, I am completely innocent of these vile accusations. I will continue to fight these smears for as long as it takes to clear my name, or until an incriminating screenshot has been posted or broadcast on a major network.

On advice from my attorney, I'm trying to remain mum on specifics. But let me state the following:

• I've never so much as passed a falafel stand, much less used one with impure intent

• If I ever sat on a battery-powered device, it was entirely by mistake

• I've never used my position to curry sexual favors. In fact, the thought never occurred to me until just now

Like any public figure, I am a target. Every week, but especially around the first of the month, I receive letters from people trying to extort money from me. This is the price I pay for speaking out. Luckily, I do have a very loyal fan base. I want to thank all of you for continuing to stand by me, especially those that bought my newest publication, Playa Out: LF's Handbook For Abstinent Teens. Your support has not just moved me, it's made me a better man.

Ok, enough said. Join us next week when Paris Hilton enters the No-Crap-Zone; I'll ask if her parents are happy they raised such a no-talent skank. See you then.

Anyone for some Greek?

Charting the Undecideds

The 2004 campaign has now entered the home stretch. In a little more than two weeks, we will know which candidate has been fraudulently elected president of the United States. But for now, there are still many Americans who have yet to decide whether Bush or Kerry should spend the next four years in the White House or wasting away in a drunken, urine-soaked stupor. In our latest Cheese Or Lose Special Report, we zero in on some of the critical swing voting blocs that could determine this election.

Joining us once again is our resident polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Debate Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent column, Debate Winner: Did The Debates Produce A Winner?, appeared in over 500 newspapers and 200 internets. Here's our discussion of his latest findings.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey Bill, good to see you again.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: Great to be back, LF. It's really getting down to the wire --- or should I say, "down to the wire"?

LF: It certainly is. Tell us about the voters you talked to.

WS: Well, as you know, in every election, there are certain key undecided voting groups that everyone agrees will be decisive - that is, if they decide to decide. In past years, we've had "soccer moms", "NASCAR dads", and "MILFs". Well, the focus groups we assembled to watch Wednesday night's final debate were broken down into representative samples of constituencies that both candidates must woo to be successful. That is, to succeed in winning the election.

LF: And what was your approach to interviewing them?

WS: Well, each member of our groups were given electronic instruments - instruments with a safety margin of plus or minus 100%. Through this, we were able to instantly record, in chart form, voter response to the debate. And as you'll see, each chart contains two lines - one for each candidate. These lines go up; they also go down. Down means the voters didn't like what they were hearing, up means they did. And to avoid any further confusion, we've chosen entirely different colors for both nominees. So the yellow line represents Senator Kerry, while the white lines - as in his party days - belong to the president.

LF: So tell us about the first group.

WS: Well, as you know, LF, health care is a very important issue in this campaign. So we wanted to test the reaction of some would-be voters who are perhaps closest to the American medical system: hospital patients who are currently unconscious and being kept alive via respirator. There are thousands of comatose voters in battleground states across this country who could make all the difference if they awake before Election Day and turn out at the polls. Using a cardiograph, this is the result we captured:




As you can see, not a lot of movement. For all the talk of stem cell research, medical malpractice and the like, these voters just didn't budge. What will it take to engage them? Who knows? We thought we saw a bit of a blip when the president raised his voice and pounded the podium a few times, but alas, nothing. On the other hand, the Kerry campaign will point to this group's constant somnolence as further evidence the Senator is a reassuring figure who doesn't "alarm" voters. So basically a wash. Looks like this is one bloc of undecideds that both campaigns might as well just write off.

LF: Very interesting. Are there any voters who are surprisingly undecided?

WS: Yes, LF - the media. That's right, the media. Many people assume that all journalists secretly carry a partisan axe but in fact, several prominent newsmen have not yet picked a candidate. Take Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. Though he works for a network known for its conservative leanings, O'Reilly professes to be undecided. Moreover, on the day of the final debate, Bill was slapped with a multimillion dollar sexual harrassment lawsuit. So it's safe to say he had a lot on his mind. But with the help of a female Fox News producer who covertly attached a blood-pressure meter to Mr. O'Reilly's person, we were able to catch his response to the debate as it happened:




Lots of up-and-down movement, as you would expect from O'Reilly. As you can see, his interest peaked early on, when President Bush referenced prostitution. Other Bush answers that resonated with O'Reilly included the president's discussion of the so-called "back-door draft" and a mention of Bangor, Maine that the anchorman may have misinterpreted. Kerry's best moment, from the O'Reilly perspective, came when he mentioned Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. But President Bush topped even that by talking about his own college-aged daughters. In fact, just about any mention of "Bush" or "daughters" seemed to play well with the New York-based broadcaster. I think everyone at our polling unit would agree that despite his protestations to the contrary, Bill O'Reilly is definitely leaning in the president's direction - and leaning pretty hard.

LF: What about the gay community? Any undecideds there?

WS: Certainly. At a Seattle tavern, we assembled a group of over 200 uncommitted lesbians - purely for research purposes. How did they react to the debate?




As you can see, very tight race. In fact, neither candidate scored as well as they did in the last debate, when both mentioned timber. If I can offer a little bit of advice to both men, it's that they're going to have to work awfully hard to reach that lesbian vote, if they don't want to go home on Tuesday November 2 feeling the cold slap of rejection.

LF: Lesbians, the comatose, Bill O'Reilly - who could be left?

WS: Well, our next group was arranged just for a bit of fun. In every campaign, there's much discussion of children, families and the American future. So we played the debate for gaggle of toddlers in Des Moines, Iowa. We actually found them less demanding than your typical undecided voter. And their response to the debate was quite sophisticated:




Is it a bunny? A kitten? Some kind of giant mouse? Hard to tell. In fact, that's all that you can say about who's winning this race: it's just too hard to tell.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, the pleasure is mine.

VP Debate: Number 2's Throw Down

If you thought the presidential debate was exciting, then you must have been really riveted by last night's prime-time duel between John "Pretty Boy" Edwards and Dick "Dickie Boy" Cheney. The atmosphere within that Cleveland auditorium was electric. Everyone gathered knew that in a close race like this, even a debate between second-stringers could have.....marginal impact at best. With stakes that high, Cheney and Edwards had clearly left the boxing gloves in an undisclosed location. Just seconds after the handshake and huddle, they got down to some of the nastiest political action Ohio's seen since Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati.

After the first Bush-Kerry debate, much comment was made on the body language of the two candidates. Well, this debate also had some interesting body language, but unfortunately, most of it took place off-camera. Good thing I took notes:




Yes, there was a chill in the air, and not just from Second Lady Lynne Cheney as she eyed me draining my Slurpee. These two guys really don't like each other. The hostility was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, then spend the rest of your life at Guantanamo. Cheney sought to portray Edwards as an inexperienced, undistinguished first-term senator who flip-flops on major issues. Meanwhile, Edwards portrayed Cheney as a dishonest, ultra-conservative corporate criminal whose only saving grace is his Sapphic daughter. How refreshing. Voters who complain about choosing "the lesser of two evils" would have no trouble finding truly great evil on display here.

Not that the two men didn't demonstrate any positive qualities. In contrast to the president, VP Cheney showed an astonishing command of the facts, especially considering that so little of what he said was factual. The North Carolina senator, on the other hand, was a study in all-American telegenic star power, every bit as boyishly charming as in his days playing "John-Boy" on The Waltons. I'm glad he's had the mole taken in a little. The only downside is that Edwards may have seemed a little too young, a little too fresh, maybe coming off as something of a lightweight. Not a problem for Cheney, who once again showed that he is a major Dick. A highly accomplished, very experienced, gravitas-laden, bigtime Dick.

The fact that Cheney and Edwards debated while seated at a table rather than standing behind podiums probably worked to the Republican's advantage as well. Edwards had to have it in the back of his mind that at any moment, Cheney could reach over, rip his heart through his chest and devour it with a plate of lima beans. Of course, the highly disciplined GOPer knew this would have been terribly "off-message", though admittedly very tasty.

Still, there were gaffes. The most notable came when Edwards attacked Cheney for his stewardship of the controversial Halliburton oil company, and Cheney responded by telling viewers to get the "real story" at "factcheck.com"; the actual address is factcheck.org. Oops! I have to confess the Vice-President isn't the only one with a little egg on his face. I guess I wasn't listening closely enough, but I could've sworn the words in question were not "fact check" but well....something kinda similar. Before I learned the truth, I'd already spent several hours paging through sites like this:




I won't lie: I was really befuddled by this mixup. I didn't get it - was the Vice President saying he couldn't have been aware of Halliburton's crimes because he was too busy "chubby-chasing" around the office? This from an administration that promised a "change in tone" from the Clinton years.

Finally, the debate ended up as more or less a draw. Both candidates achieved their goals. Cheney proved he could sit for 90 minutes without keeling over. And Edwards went head-to-head with the most powerful vice-president in history - a feat that certainly qualifies him to take on terrorists with only slightly less personal charm.

Bring on the next debate!

Debate Aftermath

Ye olde devoted reader(s), oh how I've missed you! I'm now back from three days of detainment in Coral Gables, Florida - site of the first presidential debate and by strange coincidence, the latest federally designated disaster area. Since the Bush-Kerry face-off Thursday night, initial impressions have gelled and then hardened - and as you know, it's hard work getting impressions to harden. Who won? Well, I had seats close to the stage, so I was a bit distracted by Mrs. Heinz-Kerry's constant snuff-chewing. But most polling has given Massachusetts' junior senator a discernable "bounce". And for the Kerry campaign, this has to be the biggest break since TBS stopped showing Munsters reruns.

Most experts and many viewers seem to believe the Senator came off more "presidential" than the president. But I believe there was an extra dimension to Mr. Bush's performance - in fact, he was downright "presi-dimensional". Yes, there's probably never been a greater display of presi-dimensia in all of American political history.

How did the president do? Almost from the beginning it seemed like he was on the defensive, displaying the body language of Bambi's mom after hearing the hunters approach:




Still, he wasted no time reminding the audience of his major accomplishment: holding office through a succession of tragedies. Terrorism dominated the discussion; an apt subject matter, given gaps in Bush's 90-second responses large enough to drive a truck bomb through. Let's hope our public transportation is less vulnerable to derailment than the president's train of thought.

The candidates went back and forth on the Iraq war. Kerry argued that the president failed to build a broad international coalition, relying largely on the help of Great Britain and Australia. To which the president interjected: "Actually, you forgot Poland." Now, under the rules, the candidates were not allowed to question each other directly. Too bad, as it would've been interesting to see Kerry ask, "Mr. President, exactly how many Poles does it take to help us in Iraq?" (Answer: thirty to guard the oil in the pipeline, forty to keep the others from huffing it).

I can't wait for the next debate on Friday, and neither can the people of Florida, who are anxious to learn which candidate is a strong, decisive leader that will help reconstruct their porch.

Axis of Easy Listening

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage! How embarrassing. I guess if changing your name, converting to Islam and supporting the Rushdie fatwa doesn't drive away the fans, nothing will.

This shouldn't have come as such as surprise though. A few commentators have noted the irony of hassling a Seventies folk-pop icon while Osama Bin Laden himself continues to ride through the desert on a horse with no name. But in fact, the FBI has been taking a hardline on soft rock for a number of years now, as demonstrated by this internal document recently obtained by Lomblog:




So far, they've busted up some K-Tel Mellow Gold training cells in Southern California, but The Eagles Greatest Hits remains a top-seller. Then there are the new wave of threats posed by artists like John Mayer and Norah Jones. Look for another round of red alerts when the Grammy nominations are announced early next year.

I wish I could say Cat's saga inspired me to start a crusade against the racial profiling of Muslims, but mostly I've just been listening to the audio track of my Harold And Maude DVD.

Unboarding the peace train,
LF

Memo To CBS: Stop The Lies

Now that Rathergate has seemingly run its course, much of the blogger hierarchy is taking a well-deserved victory lap. And we all know what happens when bloggers celebrate - Blockbuster has a run on hentai. But as much as I'd like to join the party, I just can't. Not when CBS continues to mislead the public.

Last night, I caught a few minutes of the travesty the network dubs its "top-rated sitcom":




No, that title is not a forgery; the series is actually called Everybody Loves Raymond. You'd think CBS would know by now not to make such bold claims until all the evidence has been substantiated. But apparently not. I guess the boys in the network brass find fakery acceptable as long as it contains a laugh track.

Once again, we are left with a series of unsettled and unsettling questions. How did the voices of dissent fall through the cracks - specifically, those that like Raymond but find his delivery mildly irritating? Or people without cable who merely tolerate Raymond because the only alternative is football. Did anyone at the Big Eye take the time to interview them? What about the millions unamused by observational comedy about family life? How about viewers that enjoy Raymond, but find the performances of Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle "too schticky"? Until CBS names its sources for Everybody and verifies the claim that they "love" Raymond, I will make this my personal hobby horse even if it results in only a miniscule increase of daily traffic.

Giddy up! Ol' LF is riding this one right into bigtime bloggerville!

Rather Duped

A sad day for American journalism. Tonight, we learned officially that CBS has lived up to its initials. Dan Rather apologized for his 60 Minutes 2 report on the president's National Guard service, admitting that the network can not "verify" documents central to the story. Now personally, I don't see why this is such a big deal. I haven't verified half the things I've posted, and no one's asking me to resign. But of course, the standards are higher for a major network, even one that once depicted Angela Lansbury as a homicide sleuth. Sadly, this scandal means we may never know the truth about President Bush's Guard duty. Did he really use his father's influence to avoid Vietnam and then skip out on his last year of flight training? Oh, wait....we've known that for years. But now we may never have some hard-to-make-out photocopied memorandums proving what we've known all along. A real tragedy.

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me! Your knowledge of 1970s typography is truly astounding...and pretty depressing.

This is just one more example of blogs getting out in front of major news well before the establishment press. Just look at some of the big stories blogs have broken this year:

· Robert K's pugs




· Jeff Milner's new haircut




· p3anut hates her new classes and really likes Chinese food




· And a very special night in the life of Instapundit




What of Rather himself? Well, my sources say the hard-hitting anchorman with the catchy Texas folk sayings is hoppin' mad. Who can blame him? After learning he was duped, he was probably more enraged than a rattlesnake drowning in a drainage ditch. Especially now, when he finds his credibility more tattered than a wasp flappin' its wings against a windshield wiper. And as he contemplates forced retirement, he's probably imagining a scene more liquored-up and tearful than a Tijuana campfire. As for the Republicans, they got to be happier than a coon hound lapping up toilet water. And President Bush? No telling, but I'm guessing he's....relieved like an incumbent realizing the mainstream media will be even more cowed into obedience. It's just like my Aunt Sally used to say, "Damnit, this homily-making is hard!"

100% authentic,

LF

NK's On The Nuclear Block?

Big story over the weekend:

Report: Major Explosion in North Korea

- The Associated Press, September 11, 2004

There are all kinds of reports and there are all kinds of assessments that are going on. Maybe it was a fire of some kind, a forest fire of some kind. But we don't believe at this point that it was a nuclear event.

- Condoleezza Rice, CNN Late Edition, September 12, 2004

Hmmm. A forest fire? Good to know the administration is on top of this one.




Next up,

Lomblog review: Passion Of The Christ on DVD...just in time for Rosh Hashana!

Is Lomblog Biased?

With the conventions over and yours truly no longer in the custody of NYC's finest, a little self-reflection is in order. While winning the traffic wars against more-established competitors like Eat Chicago and of course, sticks and string: a knitting blog, Lomblog is not without critics. In fact, some self-proclaimed media "watchdogs" will go to practically any lengths to disparage my good screen name. Luckily, I have a forum to respond.

But first the charges themselves. The following is an excerpt from the new book, Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire: How Lombaire Fan Slants The News, Distorts, Derides And Drives His Frustrated Readers To Write Angry Screeds With Maddeningly Long Subtitles (Thugnery Publishing; $18.95).

This book is the product of people who've had enough. Time and time again, Lombaire Fan has used his personal website to espouse his personal opinions. It's as if he feels he is somehow exempt from the rules of professional journalism simply because he is not a professional journalist. Now, no one questions Mr. Fan's right to express a dissenting view. What we question is his character, motives and right to express a dissenting view that differs from our own.

It would be one thing if Fan were upfront about his political beliefs. Then we would know not to trust him, and to begin a massive campaign of personal harrassment and intimidation of the chronic liar, his friends and family. But no, this so-called "blogger" is far too cowardly for that. When called upon to justify his demonstrated bias, the only defense offered is that he's "just funnin'" and "it ain't no thing". He's even gone so far as to call himself "a political independent" who votes for "the man, not the party, unless the party includes a rich assortment of gourmet cheese on Wheat Thins". Sorry, Lombaire Fan, you're not fooling anyone; your partisan disregard for the facts is almost as obvious as ours.

And the facts speak for themselves. Mr. Fan may occasionally call his blog "the no-crap zone", but a careful review of more than five posts he's published since last April show that 93% are composed of "crap" and another 7% "a squishy substance that resembles crap but can only stink worse because it comes out of Lombaire Fan". Over the next 3,321 pages, we will provide more statistics that bolster our case. And in the 2,829 pages after that, we will belabor the point further.

We can only hope that this publication will be a small step toward creating a media sphere where the likes of Lombaire Fan are no longer viable public voices with good credit.

I've been advised by my lawyers to say as little about this as possible. You know - loose lips sink blogs and all that. But suffice to say, all the mentions of "Lombaire Fan", "Lomblog" and "gourmet cheese" are violations of my intellectual property rights. As for the rest of it....well, if the writers of this libel think they're so hot, why don't they get their own blog and let's see it beat sticks and string!

By the way, none of the people responsible for this book have responded to my offer of a duel. Cowards.

Final Night Diary

Whew, what a week. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, trying to digest it all. Which would be a lot easier if I hadn't swallowed the worm at Sen. Rick Santorum's Bash For The Unborn all-night mixer. I know if Santorum had his way, this country would be a cloistered theocracy, but I must admit, the dude parties like it's 1959!

For the past four days, this whole city was infected with a Republican fever that is just now beginning to break. Watching late-night tv, one got a sense of just how welcoming New Yorkers can be: all the porn stars on local cable access were wearing elephant pins on their persons! At least, I think those were elephant pins.

Anyway, while I was on the floor during last night's pandemonium, I took a lot of notes. I've assembled them now for this very special LF Convention Diary:

9:30 PM - Well, the excitement is building as we prepare for the moment every delegate has been waiting for: Zell Miller biting the head off a live bat. No, no, we're waiting for the president's speech. And as in Boston, this place is packed with stars. Look, there's Bo Derek! And Wayne Newton! And Bo Derek again! And one of the Oak Ridge Boys! And the fat Baldwin brother! Seriously, there's so much glitz and glamour here, I feel like I've walked onto a 1982 episode of The John Davidson Show.

9:45 PM - Of course, some have wondered why the convention was held here in New York. Really, I think the selection made perfect sense. When most people think of New York, they think of Broadway, Woody Allen, carriage rides in Central Park....and Republicans. Yes, NYC and conservative politics just go together, like, well...Jerry Falwell and hordes of militant gay activists. Or neo-con Israeli hawks and the Nation of Islam. Or Washington-based libertarian think tanks and huge, public-sector-based unions. Yep, I can't think of any other city that would be more supportive of a Republican convention, except possibly San Francisco or Najaf.

For many attending the convention, this is their first visit to the Big Apple. And what wonderful memories they'll take home. Montana's delegation saw the Statue of Liberty; Nebraska took in a Broadway play; and Delaware shared a needle with a bald bisexual graffiti artist who lives in a small corner of Macy's. Yes, these are experiences they won't soon forget, especially when they wake up tomorrow morning with a tattoo that says PROPERTY OF BIG DONNIE.

9:59 PM - Now we're in the middle of a documentary retrospective on the Bush presidency. The 9-11 attacks are heavily featured. Very bittersweet for these Republicans, thinking back to a time when 3,000 Americans died, and the president's approval rating soared. I'm sure everyone in this building remembers where they were and what they were doing when that second Gallup poll hit the airwaves.

10:03 PM - The president has just arrived on stage and, wow, what a reaction. I thought these people were mostly BS'ing, but apparently, they really do want to re-elect him. The emotions are unreal, much like the promises. The woman next to me is crying her eyes out, and I don't even see Gov. Schwarzenegger standing anywhere near us. A Fox News correspondent just had an orgasm - I'm guessing, for the very first time. A man in the Pennsylvania delegation sacrificed a newborn calf in supplication. The whole place is chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" - now I know this has to be a gag. George W. Bush, you've been POTUS'ed!

10:14 PM - Uh oh. I feel a disruption coming on. Something's stirring in the crowd. Oh yes...if you're watching this on the networks, you probably don't know what's happening but you soon will. OMG, can you believe this?! With all the tight security!

Former Vice President Gore has just streaked the convention!



This is definitely going on the highlight reel! And I don't want to get too graphic here, but...NO RECOUNT NECESSARY! Gore's really trying to undercut the message that Democrats are "soft".

Prez looks a little rattled at first but seems to have recovered. Down in Texas, we call that "using a teleprompter".

10:45 PM - He's really on a roll now. Lot of terror talk but quite an ambitious domestic agenda too. Education, housing, and a prescription drug benefit for political parties that suffer from schizophrenia. Not sure where the money's going to come from...probably estate auction of the next Iraqi president.

11:11 PM - I think he's winding down now. At least I hope. I guess if you speak concisely, the terrorists will have won.

11:16 PM - Here come the balloons! And all the RNC speakers are up on stage - except for the Bush twins and Zell Miller, who've been dispatched to check out Hurricane Frances. The convention is over, and I loved every minute of it! Every hateful, brazenly hypocritical minute of it! If another Bush term doesn't see the Western world destroyed in a holy war conflagration with the Middle East, I have a feeling I'm going to love 2008 just as much.

Good times. New Yorkers are indeed a resilient lot. Three years ago, they survived the worst terror attack in our nation's history. And this week, they survived a Republican convention.

NYC, the occupation has ended! Freedom is yours! Get well soon!

More From NY: Night Of The Living Dick




LF here - attending the Republican National Convention so you don't have to. Closing night has arrived; we are just hours away from hearing the president of the United States present his plans for the next four years. Not only are Americans inside and outside the Garden on the edge of their seats with anticipation, millions of people in North Korea, Iran and Syria have already assumed a crouching position.

Whatever happens tonight, the president had quite a warm-up act on Wednesday. Easily the emotional high point of the convention thus far was the keynote address by Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat - yes, a Democrat for Bush! It was in this very arena that Miller gave the keynote at Bill Clinton's first convention in 1992, but he's become disillusioned with his party over the last twelve years, in which they've moved to the left to get away from him. Miller is known as a fiesty orator, and the minute he took the podium, it was clear the insanity level would be raised from Moderate to Severe. His voice dripping with contempt for everyone he's traditionally been associated with, the Democrat-turned-Democrat-in-name-only gave the kind of rip-roaring, sock-it-to-'em, stick-it-to-the-man stemwinder that hasn't been heard on a national stage since the Confederacy was defeated. Among the crowd, Miller whipped up a nationalistic fervor so intense, ABC's Peter Jennings used the 20 minutes he was off-air to renew his Canadian citizenship. He may be confused about which party he belongs to, but on one point, the Southerner was certain: George W. Bush is the only candidate for president who can stand up to our #1 menace.....anti-war demonstrators. Oh, and Al Qaeda.

Will Miller's aggressive tone turn off the swing voters? I don't know. He certainly fired up the delegates. I know many journalists referred to the speech as a "barn-burner" but that really understates it. From my vantage point on the floor, I felt like I was hearing a real old-fashioned church-burner! Of course, Zell's fellow Democrats aren't happy. But then, Miller hasn't left the party; the party left him...and might be well-advised to file a restraining order.




After the Georgia dynamo, Vice President Cheney's speech was as anti-climactic as Bob Dole without Viagra. But it did have its moments:

In Iraq , we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein . Seventeen months ago, he controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail.

When I first heard this, I missed the reference to Hussein and assumed he was referring to a former colleague at Halliburton.

Keepin' it real on the ultra-conservative tip,

LF

RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.

LF At The RNC

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging. I was hoping to file one more report from Greece this weekend, but unfortunately had to make a quick exit. It's a long story, but suffice to say, if Michael Phelps really values his gold, he definitely shouldn't leave it unguarded outside a men's room stall.

Of course, covering the RNC has not been without difficulties either. In order to gain access to Madison Square Garden, I had to make a few minor adjustments to the t-shirt I was wearing:




So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger. The demonstrations have been peaceful up to this point, but there's still the potential for disruption. When the Bush party arrives in NYC, the president is likely to be greeted by thousands chanting slogans like "Baby killers go home!" - and for once, they're not his supporters.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Anyway, the major speeches have begun. John McCain took a swipe at Michael Moore - who knew the Republicans had a documentary in contention at Cannes? Rudolph Guiliani just said "you're either with us or you're with the terrorists". Ooh boy...I better check my credentials!

A Grand Old Partier,

LF

Still Greek To Me

If there's one thing I've loved about Athens, it's knowing that a little piece of history is around every corner. Truly, it's like visiting Neverland Ranch before the cops arrive. This year's Olympics represent something of a homecoming for the games, as this is really where it all started, in ancient Greece BC (Before Costas). Unfortunately, there is no filmed record of the Olympics for this period, and even if there were, NBC would own exclusive rights to broadcast the highlights from 1:00 - 4:00 am. So the only way to snatch a glimpse of ceremonies past is through the extensive collection of ancient Greek artifacts collected in museums around the globe.

These relics - wall paintings, plates, vases, dusty gift-shop trinkets - offer a fascinating peak into antiquity. They also beg the question: are today's Olympics really that different from the games of yore?

For instance, corporate sponsorship of athletes and sporting events has been a frequent target of the civic-minded in modern times but even in the idealistic Greek republic of old, a strong touch of commercialism crept in:




Happily, in 40 AD, the barbaric practice of branding star equestrians with company logos was ended by the Roman Emperor Caligula, who termed it "no way to treat a lady."

Drug scandals have also marred many an Olympic outing in recent years, but they are nothing new either:




Here we see a top wrester's freshly drawn specimen examined for trace elements of barley and staghorn, a potent cocktail in ancient Greece, said to enhance athletic performance even more than "training for four twilights with the blessing of Zeus." The disqualified were universally reviled - driven from the public arena, except for appearances in Pagan "reality" pageants like The Simple Rite.

As many Olympic activities were performed in the nude, it might seem that society was less hostile to free expression. But even then, there were some standards:




In particular, the javelin toss was broadcast on a "turn-your-head-for-four-seconds-in-case-something-gruesome-takes-place" delay.

Finally, there was the rewarding of prizes. From the beginning, Olympics officials made sure that the judging of all events was scrupulously fair. But sometimes mistakes were made:




We may never know who really deserved to win that year. But the torch of excellence still rages as fiercely as any slighted Olympian at any point in our history.

Feeling a little more ancient,

LF

Khorkina & Me

Every four years, the Olympics not only bring us the rising stars of sports tomorrow but a few old favorites going for that last shot at glory. This year's swan song was by Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina - and what a beautiful, beautiful, troublesome, troublesome swan she is. Last Thursday, Khorkina lost the Women's All-Around to perky American Carly Patterson, and Sunday, finished last on the uneven bars (when are they going to get those fixed anyway?). Since the demise of her gold ambition, Svetlana has stirred controversy with comments suggesting the competition was rigged in favor of the American. Looking for the lowdown, I made arrangements to interview this tempestuous blonde over brunch at Kol Tov Monday afternoon. She may not have the gold but she still has a lot to say.




LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello Svetlana. Before anything else, I want to congratulate you on your showing this weekend.

SVETLANA KHORKINA: Thank you. Though I came in eighth, I am still Olympic champion!

LF: That you are. Also, I'm so saddened to hear about your retirement. As the "older woman" of women's gymnastics, not only were you an inspiration to senior citizens everywhere but one of the very few female gymnasts I could physically admire without feeling like a perv.

SK: Thank you. Age is just a number....even when I am 55, I will still be Olympic champion!

LF: 55? So I take it you have a birthday coming up?

SK: No, no. No matter what numbers the Western judges may concoct, I am only in my twenties. I have my whole life ahead of me. Though I am disappointed, there is much more to this existence than keeping gold out of the hands of greedy little virgin dwarves!

LF: Svetlana...this is the kind of thing you've been criticized for. Do you really believe there was a conspiracy to deny you the top prize?

SK: I know there was a conspiracy! I knew from the minute I approached the balance beam, when the judges pelted me with empty bottles of Smirnoff, that I wasn't going to win! Now they will live with it on their conscience - they murdered a young girl's dreams!

LF: But Carly Patterson, the winner, is sixteen, and you're twenty-five.

SK: Yes. But even when I am seventy-five, I will still be Olympic champion woman-child!

LF: But isn't some of your behavior a little unsportsman-like? For instance, after your score was announced on Sunday, you walked out before your competitors had even finished their routines. I know you were upset, but isn't that a little disrespectful? I mean, I stayed through the end of Catwoman, for God's sake.

SK: I refuse to participate in a sham! Unsportsman-like? I am not a sportsman, I am a beautiful bird who they tried to fleece! These competitions should not be about antiquated notions like who has best "movements" and does most difficult "manuevers", but on grace, elegance and beauty.

LF: No offense, but even if we were judging by that standard, I'd have to give the medal to Juliet Binoche. But you're not bad for an older lady.

What about all the venom you've inspired from the press? You've been called an "ice queen", a diva, you were once quoted as telling an American journalist to "shove it"...oh wait, these notes are left over from my interview with Teresa Heinz-Kerry. My bad.

How about that other Olympic judging controversy? Do you think Paul Hamm should give back his medal?

SK: Yes, he should return his medal...to me!

LF: But that makes no sense, you weren't competing against Paul Hamm - he got his gold in men's gymnastics!

SK: No, you must understand...there has been an injustice! He has a gold, and I am without gold. So the only fair thing...is to give me the gold! Otherwise, I don't see how he can sleep with himself on his conscience. He is not true Olympic champion - not like me!

LF: Well, Svetlana, thank you for your time. I don't know when we'll see you next - I guess it's back to the farm or opening boat shows with Nadia Comaneci.

Dismounting for now,

LF

Kerry Kontroversy

LF here - still in Olympic party mode but keeping sight of the goings-on back home. According to my briefings, some of the fiercest competition outside Athens is happening in the presidential campaign, where Bush supporters are striving mightily to make John Kerry's medals about as meaningful as Paul Hamm's. The charge made in television ads by the organization Swift Boat Veterans For Truth is that Kerry is exaggerating his Vietnam heroism. Though almost none of the vets featured in the group's spots actually served on Kerry's boat, the SBVTs are still gaining support. Just today, a highly decorated naval veteran of great prominence has risen to add his voice to the anti-Kerry ad choir.





In a devastating 30-second hit, Captain Horatio S. Crunch (né Cap'n Crunch) blasts the Democrat. "If Mr. Kerry is really the hero that he claims, where's his giant ribbon that says 'HERO'?," intones America's leading fighter of the Soggies. "I may have lost my medals a time or two in a particularly fierce battle on the Milk Sea, but I think everyone under my command agrees they were well-earned - just ask my first lieutenant, Guy On The Cracker Jacks Box."

Crunch denies he is doing this for political reasons: "I'm an independent; I've always supported the biggest corporate shill masquerading as a military leader of either party." He does acknowledge a special connection to the White House, as Mr. Bush likely spent several hours staring at his cardboard visage in the president's dissolute "wilderness" years of the early 1970s.

The ad will begin airing this week, mostly on Saturday mornings and during episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants.

Meanwhile, another spot is scheduled for nighttime programming on cable's Nick-At-Nite and TV Land. It also features a distinguished captain of the high seas - this time, questioning the circumstances behind Senator Kerry's combat wounds.




Were Kerry's Purple Heart injuries really sustained while helping Isaac move the roulette table? Millions of people without the proof to back up their suspicions are, nonetheless, very suspicious.

Maybe we should let the judges work this one out. Let's hope they don't make a scoring error like last time.

LF's Olympic Update

Brought to you by Kol Tov, the official kosher restaurant of the 2004 Summer Olympics.




Lots of action here in Athens. I may be keeping it kosher but the big winner today was Hamm - Paul Hamm. He captured the gold in Men's Individual All Around Gymnastics by the narrowest margin in history. The American beat South Korean Kim Dae-eun by a score so close, it makes Veikko Huhtanen's 1948 victory over Walter Lehmann look like a freakin' landslide! Oops - I forgot not everyone is an Olympic "wonk" like me. Needless to say, all the fans rooting for the US this year were really excited. In fact, a man who knows a thing or two about narrow margins, President Bush, called to congratulate Hamm on his triumph. Being the curious sort, he also asked how many of the Olympic judges were appointed by the gymnast's father. Bravo, Paul. I know you've been preparing for this moment for years, and if you get a good endorsement deal, it'll be years before we forget who you are. If not, I hear that Mary Lou Retton's slot at TGI Friday's has just opened up.

But the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

And if fortune doesn't smile on you, we can always meet at Kol Tov for some smoked salmon on rye.

The Pelé of posting,

LF

LF In Athens

Well, it took me a while, but I've finally made it: I'm now blogging to you live from the Summer Olympics. I wish I'd been here for the opening ceremony but due to a little mix-up, I spent the first day of the summer games here:




Yes, that's right: Athens, Georgia. I really need to read those travel brochures more closely. The minute I stepped off the plane, I noticed it was a lot less exotic that I thought it would be. And just milling about town, I saw far more Winn-Dixies than ancient ruins. The trip wasn't a total waste however; while visiting a local pawn shop, I had a very interesting conversation about scalp care with REM's Michael Stipe. Nice meeting ya, Mike, but Shiny Happy People catching the next flight out of town!

As you may have heard, security is very tight this year. Before I could enter the Olympic Village, I was frisked, stripped and thrown against a mat - which, incidentally, is how Governor Jim McGreevey chooses Cabinet appointees. Obviously, there's a lot of concern about terrorism - I think. With the swarm of armed guards I saw outside the festivities on Sunday, my first thoughts were, "Either they're worried about an incident or these Dutch rowers are much more popular than I imagined." We all know the reason for the special precautions: this is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension. Of course, this has enormous ramifications - mostly in the number of sportscasters who will continually announce, "This is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension." Every Olympian this year has to have it in the back of their minds that they're not just competing for themselves - they're competing for the chance to be pawns in a giant game of geopolitical cocksmanship. Go for the gold, guys!

But so far, there hasn't been much to distract from the glory of the Olympic spirit. No doping scandals, and no one getting hit in the leg with a pipe. Personally, I find this a little disappointing. It's like going to a hip-hop awards show where no one gets shot in the parking lot, or a Republican convention where no gays are baited. Hopefully, things will pick up in the next two weeks.

Your Champion Blogger,

LF

BREAKING NEWS: NJ Governor Resigns In Gayness

I know that many of you come here for the latest headlines, and this is it: James McGreevey, the 47-year-old Democratic governor of New Jersey, has just resigned over an extra-marital affair with another man. All I can say is, Wow. If I had known or cared who the governor of New Jersey was, I'd be shocked by this revelation. And if I lived in New Jersey, I'd be shocked I hadn't left yet. Certainly, no one saw this coming - except presumably, the governor's lover. This is guaranteed to shake up politics in "the Garden state" - though, really, when you think about it, any state with a nickname like that is just begging to have a gay governor.

What are the national implications? Politics being what it is, the Republicans will seize on this scandal to portray Democrats as the party of gay womanizers. That will tend to hurt the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the Bible Belt, where as you know, homosexuality and adultery are frowned upon by all but the most desperate of Tennessee Williams' characters. Still others will bemoan the fact that we don't live in a society progressive enough that a politician like McGreevey could openly cheat on his gay husband. But reaction from some of his gubernatorial colleagues has been surprisingly sympathetic. In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger said no politician should be forced to leave office over unsubstantiated claims of sexual harassment, even if he is "a girly-man." Nice to see some bi-partisan comity for once.

There's obviously a lot more to be said here. But I'll leave that to someone who knows a lot more about New Jersey, state-level politics, and homosexuality than I do - which is to say, almost anyone.

Further updates as the gratuitously graphic and unpleasant details become available...

Back Again

LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.

The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.

I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.

(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT

INTRO

(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!




1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!

1ST BREAK

Now STOP!

1ST VERSE

Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm

You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming

BRIDGE

You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!

2ND CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!

2ND BREAK

Now DROP! And HIDE!

2ND VERSE

Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter

'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you

2ND BRIDGE

For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!

3RD CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities

Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!

The Amish Vote

Lombaire Fan is feeling a bit blue these days, perhaps suffering from post-party-convention depression. So he turns things over - briefly - to one of his longtime assistants, the Hack Comic.

Yello? Yello? Terror alert! Terror alert! Kidding...hopefully.

Maybe you missed it, but I happened to catch this article last night about the Bush campaign reaching out to Amish voters, as seen here:



I think this strategy makes a great deal of sense. Not only do the Amish mostly live in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, they're probably the only people in America for whom the Iraqis look to be livin' large. Plus, most Amish haven't been to the movies since "Witness", so it's very unlikely they've seen Fahrenheit 9-11.

Naturally, Amish jokes have long been a staple of any hack comic's repertoire. So, moved by the spirit of Frank Jacks and with inspiration from past elections, I present my latest web poll:

Amish Outreach? What's the best campaign slogan to woo Amish voters? Let's Get America Churning Again Progress, Schmogress! A Reformer Without Electricity Building A Bridge To The 19th Century A Chicken In Every Pot, A Buggy In Every Shed Are You Better Off Than You Were A Fortnight Ago? It's Mulching Again In America Current Results

Vote early and often, until there's a clear winner or this post is knocked off the front page. And be good to LF, folks; he's been good to you.

Lomblog Goes Public!

Fresh off our convention success, I'm pleased to announce another step forward in expansion of the Lomblog media empire. Last week's DNC coverage brought our greatest traffic increase since I briefly changed the site name to Click To Watch Paris Hilton Get It On!. But a successful blog can not sustain itself simply on wit, insight and uncomprehending Googlers. That's why I'm pleased to announce that Lomblog will shortly make its debut as an initial public offering.

Yes, soon you will be able to own a share in my future profitability. Now admittedly, I'm not the greatest expert on financial matters; until quite recently, I thought IPOs were those digital music storage dealies. But after consulting with Wall Street's best, brightest and least indicted, I've determined this is the proper route. I have no idea where the bidding will start, but I hope we do a little better than the Win A Dream Date With LF charity auction a few months ago (that's the last time I'm stood up by a supposed "altruist").

As a bit of caution to potential investors: the market is notoriously volatile and liable to move on the slightest bit of rumor and hearsay. But then again, so am I! I look forward to having your support in very concrete terms. I think of Lomblog as my baby, and we all know how serious it is to sell one's child on the open market. By going public, I feel the site now not only has a chance to grow and develop, it won't move back in after college either. Ah, metaphor is a tricky art indeed.

Anyway, I've very excited by this venture into capitalism. New York Stock Exchange, here we come!

Convention Wrap




Well, my four-day voyage into the heart of American democracy has ended. John Kerry has accepted the nomination, and I've accepted the mantle of America's preeminent political blogger. These are heady times for both of us. I kinda wish I had a "band of brothers" to share it with, but for now, I guess you'll do.

So what have we learned this week? We've learned that John Kerry may be the most qualified man in the country to fight Al Queda in Vietnam. We've learned that the flag of the United States of America doesn't belong to any one party, it belongs to anyone trying to win a national election. And we've learned that a (sorta) skinny kid with a funny screen name can cover the conventions as well as any of the hacks at the networks. Lt. LF reporting for duty!

Let me say a special word of thanks to the people who made this week possible, beginning with my parents. They taught me the values of faith, family and country that I hope to one day incorporate into a best-selling series and documentary for HBO. I'll never forget the immigrant cab-driver who couldn't speak English very well but had some great dish about the Kennedys. I'll always remember the 23-year-old waitress, struggling to make ends meet, with a child in daycare and a husband away in Iraq or Afghanistan or - I don't really remember, because Bono was at another table and I got very distracted. Oh, what cool sunglasses he had! These are memories I'll treasure in my heart forever, unless America is attacked again and I become an arch right-winger who despises everyone I've partied with for the last four days. Hopefully, that won't happen. But if it does....well, that's why we have two conventions.

A great American novelist once said, You can't go home again. My parents said something similar. But tonight, I am home. Home in my living room. Home with my cats and my Plastic Bertrand posters. So tonight, on behalf of all Lomblog participants, with a faith that tomorrow's posts will be better than today's, I say to you - I really need a shower.

Cue the balloons!

Convention Week Continues

Another exciting night in Beantown. If you've been watching at home, you've probably seen the way Democrats have reached out to people who are unemployed, destitute, and without hope, whether they've just returned from Iraq or broken off an engagement with J-Lo. Unfortunately, I've been too busy star-gazing and enjoying my mini-bar to speak with many of the convention attendees. That's where our National Affairs editor William Sliender comes in. Bill is a senior fellow of Self-Evident Convention Analysis at the Bricklined Institute and the author of a recent column, Convention Bounce: Will Kerry Get A Convention Bounce?. He joined me in the skybox earlier to discuss his polling of the delegates.

LF: Welcome back, Bill. Fancy meeting you here.

WS: Thank you, LF. Great to be back - it's great to be back.

LF: Now the big star tonight was John Edwards, as he officially accepted the VP slot. What's been the reaction of the public so far to the addition of Edwards on the Kerry ticket?

WS: Well, so far I'd say the reaction has been mixed - which is to say, ambivalent. Mostly the response seems to break down along gender lines: a majority of women say they find Edwards earnest, articulate and caring, while men we've polled say they've resented him since high school. This divergence has even prompted a new slogan for the Republicans...Bush-Cheney: Steady, Responsible And Very Unlikely To Turn Up In Your Wife's Diary.

LF: Are the Democrats trying to play up a contrast between Edwards and the incumbent veep, Dick Cheney?

WS: Oh, I think so. Notice that Edwards is frequently photographed with his young children in a way that calls to mind the JFK "Camelot" days of the early '60s. Whereas this is the most flattering photo we could find of Vice President Cheney:




To be fair, the Vice President is reportedly very attractive to people who've seen him up-close and behind-doors in a secret energy task force meeting. Maybe not as photogenic as some, but to the oil industry executives I've talked to, he is a beautiful, beautiful man. I guess that really shows the intense partisan divide in this country.

LF: Speaking of partisan division, what's the sentiment of the delegates today? Is the feeling more pro-Kerry or anti-Bush?

WS: I would say it's a thin line between pro-Kerry and anti-Bush. But there's definitely a fair amount of animosity to the Republican incumbent. In my survey of convention-goers, I asked them to describe their feelings toward the president. These were the results:




Obviously, the challenge for the Democrats this November is to channel that visceral anger into victory at the polls rather than several "road rage" incidents. They've managed to do a pretty good job of it so far - at the convention this week, only one cable news correspondent has been publicly "fragged." You know, they're quiet, but you gotta watch out for that Montana delegation.

LF: On the subject of cable news, do you have any read on how the delegates feel about Fox News covering the convention?

WS: Yes, that was another question I asked. I wanted to know if the Democrats gathered here felt that outlets like Fox were legitimate news organizations or merely tools of the Republican party. Here's how they responded:




I have to say, in all my years as a pollster, I've never seen more unity among Democrats or felt greater fear for my personal safety. With this much anger on both sides, 2004 could be, quite literally, a bloodbath. What an exciting time for us political junkies!

LF: Thursday is John Kerry's acceptance address. How well does he have to do?

WS: He has to really hit it out of the park, and if possible, hit a home run. He has to deliver the speech of his life - that is, a speech better than any he's given in the sixty years he's been breathing. Can he do it? We'll find out very soon, if not sooner.

LF: Thank you for your insights, Bill. I hope we can do this again at the Republican convention.

WS: Thank you. I look forward to it - in fact, that's something I'm looking forward to.

More From Boston

Very exciting times. I've just spent a long day chasing Teresa Heinz Kerry around town, hoping she'd tell me to "shove it". I guess I just wasn't annoying enough. Well, Mrs. Kerry, even if you don't become First Lady, we'll always have a court-mandated 30-mile radius.

The fun didn't end there. Tonight, I climbed down from the Lomblog skybox high above the Fleet Center to actually mingle with some delegates:




As you can see, this was during the keynote address by Illinois State Senator Barak Obama. What a talent. This guy has so much charisma, I can easily see him becoming the first black president impeached by vindictive Republicans. I was struck by one part of his speech, when, describing the way commentators divide the nation by its colors on the 2000 election map, he said, "We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States." I understand the point he's making but this could be a concern for the Kerry campaign, as Mr. Obama has just effectively "outed" millions of people in the critical battlegrounds of Arizona, Arkansas, Missouri and Ohio. I just hope none of their parents were watching at home, and as tonight's festivities weren't carried live by any of the networks, that seems a pretty safe assumption. I'm not gay but believe me, I know what it's like to receive a "concerned" phone call from the folks, ever since I was caught on-camera in a crowd shot at a Pet Shop Boys concert. Luckily, our society is much more tolerant now than it was in my days as a roadie for Dead Or Alive.

As I mentioned in my last post, this place is packed with big names. You could light this whole convention just off the starpower gathered in this hall tonight, and it still wouldn't be enough to capture all the sweat dripping off Ted Kennedy's neck. For instance, I saw CBS newsman Dan Rather earlier. He told me these delegates appeared "happier than a pig slopping mud on a rained-on barn post." I have no idea what that means but as Dan has been covering these things a lot longer than I have, I must yield to his wisdom.

Fox News is also covering the DNC. However, they've been criticized for not actually airing many of the major speeches. Instead, they've had their network anchors and political analysts bantering over the oratory. A Fox executive I spoke with anonymously at a Vietnamese massage parlor this afternoon told me his team is absolutely committed to presenting non-partisan coverage of the convention. He said Fox will be the first network to broadcast live if any of the Democrats on the speakers' platform are beheaded by terrorists.

There you have it: Lomblog gets results!

LF At The DNC!

Yes, my friends, I have arrived! I am blogging to you live from the Democratic National Convention in Boston. I tell you, I once thought seeing the American political process up-close would be a bit like glimpsing Christina Aguilera without the make-up, but truly, this ol' democracy of ours is a natural beauty. And it's not just the balloons and colorful hats that have me all keyed up; this hall is crawling with celebs! Visiting the men's room this morning, I could swear the guy passed out in the stall next to mine was none other than Dr. Hunter S. Thompson himself! I only wish I could've gotten his autograph before the medics arrived.

Of course, it's not just me feelin' the love tonight. This is one very upbeat collection of donkeys. The delegates here are so confident of victory this November that not even performances by Jon Bon Jovi or Whoopi Goldberg would dampen the enthusiasm. These party activists really believe that if they work hard, get the message out and file affidavits on behalf of all 3,916,207 Florida Democrats, they can win this election. Honestly, the whole thing has the feel of a giant televised group-hug, but with extra-tight security. I do have to question the choice of "Johnny B. Goode" as a theme song for the Democrats this year. Yes, I know the two guys on the ticket are both named John but it seems like some of the lyrics - "He never ever learned to read or write so well/But he could play guitar just like a ringing bell" - are more apropos to President Bush and his education policies.

So what's the schedule for this week? Well, this evening features speeches by former Vice President Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton in what the Dems are dubbing their "Tribute To Political Psychodrama" night. Then tomorrow, the keynote address by Illinois Senate candidate Barak Obama, who - if he's elected this fall - will be the first male African-American senator since either Reconstruction or Samuel L. Jackson in the last few Star Wars films.

Wednesday's a big night too, with the roll-call of the states and the official nominations for president and vice-president. Of course, it's a foregone conclusion that the candidates will be John Kerry and John Edwards, but there's still a chance that Fox News or the New York Post will call it for a Dennis Kucinich/John Hinkley, Jr. ticket. Then John Edwards addresses the delegates. He'll remind them of his humble background working in the textile mills with his father, his successful career as a trial attorney and the time he successfully sued his father for making him work in the textile mills.

Finally, the big night, when John Kerry himself accepts the nomination. Kerry advisors say they want to set a positive tone and keep Bush-bashing to a minimum. To that end, his speech will paint an optimistic vision of an America where children are better educated, health insurance is more affordable and Texas Air National Guard units aren't stocked with the n'eer-do-well sons of famous politicians.

Well, that's a look ahead...but for now, I've got some big-league political partying to do!