An Apology

Ever since Lomblog first began publication in April 1974, we've prided ourselves on a rigorous honesty, consummate professionalism and groundbreaking use of Photoshop. In fact, the LBG's reputation for reliability has been so solid over the years that many longtime readers have affectionately dubbed us "the blog of record" and "the Old Off-White Lady." But as Brett Michaels long ago reminded us, every rose has its thorn. Likewise, every successful journalism venture has its bad days, months and years. Since I can not run from the past forever (though I'm hoping that feature becomes available with the next server upgrade), I believe it is time now to forthrightly own up to some of the mistakes of this blog's recent history, even if they reflect badly on myself and even more badly on others.

Many were surprised last year that I editorialized so vociferously in support of the Iraq war. It was, after all, just months earlier that I helped Yusef Islam, the former Cat Stevens, organize the Do They Know It's Ramadan? benefit single for starving Taliban. Old friends (at least the ones that would answer my calls) repeatedly asked, "What's gotten in to you?" Well, a couple of things really. One, I was dumped by a peace activist (whose "peace" was a little too "active", if you know what I mean). The split came at a particularly sensitive time in my career when I was still struggling to get noticed and break out of the "one-hit-a-day" box. Amid the confusion and heartbreak, I took refuge in the Pentagon's little-known Adopt-A-Blogger program. Courtesy of the Defense Department, I was granted 500 gb of free storage and page templates specially designed by Haliburton. There was only one catch: everything I wrote had to advance the case for war. It sounded almost too good to be true! And like "New Coke" or Van Halen's reunion with David Lee Roth, it was.

When I look back at some of what I wrote back then, I can't help but feel a little chagrined. I cringe aloud when I read posts like "Finding WMD In Iraq: It's Only A Matter Of Time", "Iraqi WMD: It Is Sooo There" and "WMD: If Iraq Doesn't Have It, I'll Apologize To Everyone, Stop Writing Forever And Never Have Intercourse Again." Equally embarrassing were my profiles of various figures involved in the occupation, such as "Ahmad Chalabi: Last Honest Man In Baghdad" and "Lynndie England: Small-Town Girl Made Good." I was also excessively optimistic, as in my May 11, 2003 post, "Cakewalk!: Why Creating Democracy In An Arab Country Rife With Religious Tension Will Be Easy As Pie." Oh well, as they say, only hindsight is 20/20.

Far less forgivable are the pieces I wrote condemning those that spoke out against the war. I called Al Gore an "un-American panty-waist" and Tipper Gore a "panty-waisted un-American." I was vicious toward celebrity anti-war activists, writing that Sean Penn ought to "go back to Mother Russia" and Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplan ought to "go back to that same old place that you laughed about." Even worse, I gratuitously insulted whole nations that refused to go along with our policies. Never did I stoop so low as to refer to my beloved French as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" but I did call the Swiss "surrender-eating cheese monkeys" and the Zairians "monkey-eating surrender Cheez-Its."

Well, now it turns out the last laugh was on me. Yes, the blood is on my hands, and unlike the time I wore a "pimpin'" mohair to a PETA benefit, there's no solvent in the world that can get it out. What have I learned from all this? First, never sacrifice your objectivity to curry favor with any administration that isn't at least ten points ahead in the latest public opinion polls. Second, never advocate for large-scale, precedent-shattering foreign policy initiatives when you're still "on the rebound."

I only regret that so many innocent lives had to be lost to make me a better blogger.