I've Calmed Down Now

Those of you who check the blog frequently probably notice that a post from earlier today is no longer appearing on the server. That's because it provoked such a strongly negative reaction from my readers that I felt it best to delete and move on - the post, not my readers. But after thinking it over, I realized this was a bit rash. After all, the great thing about the blogosphere is the lack of self-censorship, particularly on grounds of taste and propriety. So I've reinstated the post, and I'll be back a bit later to address any new criticism that might arise.

Memo To The Democrats: Expose Bush!



Like many others, I saw a photo of this meeting a few days ago and was both confused and troubled. My first thought? "Elton John is getting married and he's chosen his most unusual costume yet." But now we know the truth: President Bush is a four-square proponent of and participant in all-out, hardcore, balls-to-the-wall Saudi-my!

Yes, it's time the Democrats get aggressive and tell it like it is: George W. Bush is the flaming queen of Crawford mince! He's queerer than a queer-dollar-bill! He's fruitier than a holiday gift cake that has anal intercourse with other gift cakes! Oh, perhaps I'm not so gifted at euphemism but you get my meaning. If you want sophistication, maybe you should stick with the geniuses that helped the D team lose one and a half of the last two presidential elections.

Right now, the media is only covering issues Republicans want them to cover: gas prices, Social Security and Tom DeLay's ethics probe. But the Democrats have a perfect opportunity to break through the muddle with a message so obvious even NASCAR-watching, meth-cooking Red America will understand: "W" stands for Wonka, as in "Wonka-lot-in-the-Prince-Abdullah-chocolate-factory." Simplicity sells. Remember how Bush '04 triumped with that nursery-fit ad campaign, "Flip-Flop/Botox/Kerry's Wife's A Bitch!"?

The Democrats need to pound home the message that the whole GOP is one giant orgy of Moonie-financed man-on-man conservative action. Let's hear it on radio, TV, around the water cooler, in speeches and in jokes:

Q: Knock, knock

A: Who's there?

Q: The president

A: The president who?

Q: The president who likes to have sex with other men, provided they are bearded and oil-rich

We have the truth on our side - this is the gayest administration since Coolidge! For instance, they allowed a former male hustler into the White House repeatedly without ever verifying his measurements. Yes - a gay prostitute in the same building where our finest presidents did it with underlings! Explain that to Bubba T. Public who pulled the throbbing Republican lever in the simple hope that more Mideasterners would be killed and gay marriage tossed in the doily-bin of history.

That's right, Dems, it's time to take off the gloves and fight rank homophobia with rank homophobia. We can "reframe" gay-bashing on grounds that favor us. Let's start a Dick Cheney stomach-pump rumor. Let's call Laura Bush, Lynne Cheney and Condoleeza Rice "Texas oil-and-gas hags." Let's say to our friends across the aisle, "We'll come up with a response to your Social Security plan when you come up with an energy policy that doesn't involve dirty butt-sex with Arab royals. Deal?"

Or you can stand by your "principles", stay on the defensive and wait for Americans to "get over" their centuries-old aversion to homosexuals outside sitcoms and Super Cuts. Until then, the Republicans are here, they're scarily dominant and you'll just have to get used to it.

To paraphrase a famous gay icon, I've got all my life to live and so much advice to give. My cell is waiting for your beep, gents.

Out Of Italy; Pope Fans

On Monday I returned from my Roman sojourn with a heart full of memories, a stomach full of pasta and a head full of ecclesiastical cant. Or something like that. Now that I'm back, I'd like to first thank the Vatican staff for being so cooperative; there probably hasn't been a host as accomodating since Paula Abdul. In fact, everyone in town was totally cool. They call it Vatican City, but for me, this was the true "Magic Kingdom" - with extra props for not having John Paul embalmed or frozen.

But beyond the momentousness of this papal transition, I think what I appreciated most were the regular people I met along the way. Having spent a fair chunk of my pseudo-adulthood in the secular/Satanic world of Hollywood, it was refreshing to be among folks whose lives are grounded in sincere faith. Foremost among them were two young men who traveled thousands of miles to witness the new Pope's official start.



Rick Boitan, 25, and Dave Boyer, 34, are probably the biggest Pope fans you could ever meet. Only the Vatican itself holds more papal memorabilia than Rick and Dave's bedrooms. Being something of an obsessive collector-type myself, I don't think I really understood the Pope's appeal until I caught up with these two. Luckily, I happened to have a tape recorder on hand to capture this one-of-a-kind outbreak of Benedictine fever:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey guys. Nice costumes.

RICK: Thanks. My mother sewed this for me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But wait - what's that? A light-saber?

RICK: No! It's a holy cross.

DAVE: Helps us fend off evil.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I'm curious - I see the sleeping bag and all....how long have you been camped out here?

DAVE: Well, the minute we heard a new pope was coming out, we knew we had to be here.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So ever since the smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel?

RICK: No! July '04. The really hardcore fans find out early.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wow, that's a long time. After such a long wait, are you worried that Benedict XVI won't live up to the legacy of John Paul II?

DAVE: No, not at all. I don't really think about whether the new pope will be as good as the last; I'm just pleased that the series will continue.

RICK: Yeah, to the people that criticize, I always say, Let's see you lead a worldwide branch of Christianity! If you can sustain a following like this, then you can complain!

LOMBAIRE FAN: How long have you been fans of the papacy?

RICK: Me? My mother took me to see PJP: II in Seattle when I was just four. I still remember it. Seeing the Popemobile in person - not a scale model - it was awesome. A lot of his pronouncements I didn't really understand but I think I knew even then that the Pope was badass.

DAVE: Of course I'm a little older than Rick so I go back a ways. When the Pope was shot...well, that was a classic moment. It was really like a climactic battle between good and evil, with a young man rising to challenge his Holy Father...the Pope sorta dangling on the precipice......but what do you know? He survives and comes back for the next mass. And eventually they reconcile.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I take it you're really well-versed in Vatican history.

RICK: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with it all, even the old stuff - the pre-encyclicals.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Any favorites?

DAVE: I always thought it was pretty cool when Piux X was canonized. I mean, he's been dead for four decades and suddenly his body is dug up and on open display - what a twist! But that's the beauty of this weird alternate universe St. Peter created.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So how much of your fandom is actually based on your Catholic beliefs?

DAVE: Huh? I'm not Catholic.

RICK: Me neither - I'm Lutheran.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wait a minute....isn't there a conflict?

RICK: How? We're fans, not followers. You can worship the Pope, without "worshipping" the Pope.

DAVE: Yeah, don't you understand? What are you - a religious bigot?

LOMBAIRE FAN: I've just never heard of this before.

DAVE: Well, I'm sorry. It's ok.....hey Rick, just for fun do you think you could recite the new Pope's opening homily? In Latin?

RICK: Sure. Benedicticus....willrockicus....yourlameassicus.

RICK & DAVE: (high fives)

LOMBAIRE FAN: Nice job. Enjoy the new papacy, gentlemen.

Also Appearing Shortly...



Did Time Retouch Coulter?

And possibly an actual post....

Appearing Shortly.....



Piggy Axed: Obesity Concerns Prompt More Muppet Change

Vati-Spam

LF here - still in Rome, still in a new-pater state of mind. In a few hours, the era of Pope Benedict XVI will officially begin. While Benedict might seem old-fashioned, he has already advanced upon on his successor in at least one respect: he is the first Holy Father with his own e-mail address. Not only can you drop him a line, the new Pope is already messaging members of the Vatican's vast online database. True to form, he is taking an aggressive stance toward the promotion of Catholic ideals....

Dear follower,

In my first remarks to you on Tuesday, I stated that I was "a simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord". This is true. It may sound overly modest but I am just one man, albeit infallible. I can not do this job without the support of each and every one of you. Which is why I ask all Catholics to join with me in a most urgent task: stopping the Jewish filibuster.

Yes, a Jewish filibuster - or as they call it, "Passover" - is scheduled to take place for the next eight days. That's right - just as I prepare to take the reigns as Vicar of Christ, the so-called "Chosen people" will attempt to crowd me out of the media spotlight with matzah balls, ornate tableware and tales of multi-generational oppression. For this reason, Ted Koppel, Wolf Blitzer and many other top TV and print reporters will likely not be in Rome this weekend when I am formally inaugurated as pontiff.

Now, they will say this is all a coincidence, that Passover is always celebrated this time of year. But you and I know the real truth: they're running scared.

The Jews know that, thanks to recent events, the momentum is on our side. Brothers and sisters, people all over the globe have just gotten a good hard look at Catholicism - and they like what they see. We are gaining converts right and left, while their following continues to stagnate - honestly, when was the last time someone saw Moses in an underpass? Frustrated by their minority status, Judaism's more zealous adherents are falling back on the petty obstructionist tactics they've employed since at least 36 AD.

But not every Jew is on the same page as the Jew leadership. Some are on the fence. As such, we have a unique opportunity to influence their decision. Please contact the following Jews and let them know you don't think they should celebrate Passover this year^[*]:

Barry Goldman - Newark New Jersey --- --- ----
Richard Lind - Buffalo, New York --- --- ----
David Lipowicz - Denver, Colorado --- --- ----
Peter Bernman - Boca Raton, Florida --- --- ----
Phyllis Hampton - West Palm Beach, Florida --- --- ----
Ed Mortimer - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --- --- ----
Charlie Hirschberg - Montpelier, Vermont --- --- ----
David Geffen^[**] - Los Angeles, California --- --- ----

And for other ways to help, call this toll-free number:

1-800-STOP-THE-FEAST

Some might think this letter impolitic from a seventy-eight-year-old German man who was briefly a Hitler youth. But I can not let my past guide the Church's future. I was not elected on the fourth ballot by keeping opinions to myself. It is time we Catholics take action and prove to those on the other side that we are still the Holy Roman fighting force we were so many years ago. So let us join hands across this great electronic divide, and unite for victory.

Sincerely,

Pope Benedict XVI

To unsubscribe from the this mailing list, click here: http://www.vatican-va/excommunicateme.com

^[*]Partial list

^[**]Also a Sodomite

Vatican Election: How The Vestment Was Won

For those of us who are now pontifical junkies, this campaign ended just a little too soon. Man, what an education; to think that my prior knowledge of Catholicism derived largely from The Exorcist special edition DVD. But the papal election process is still shrouded in mystery. What drove the hierarchy of this centuries-old institution to go medieval on reform by embracing the Robert Blake-style charisma of "God's Rottweiler", Joseph Ratzinger?

To help us answer that question and more, we're joined by our longtime polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Conclave Analysis at the Brick-Lined Institute, and the author of a recent column, The Cardinals Choose: Who Will The Cardinals Choose?

Thank you for joining us, Bill. I'm really pleased you could once again participate in Lomblog's special election coverage.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: My pleasure, LF. Nothing like an old-fashioned Papist conclave, is there?

LF: There certainly isn't. Now, you've covered a few Vatican elections in your time - were there any surprises here?

WS: No, LF. Ratzinger was the favorite from the start. In fact, some of his opponents said he was so cocky, he almost seemed to be measuring the multi-colored drapes in the Room of Tears.

LF: So Ratzinger was pretty much a lock?

WS: Yes, LF. In fact, based on interviews we conducted with a few dozen cardinals before the conclave, we were able to create this color-coded election forecast:



As you can see, it was an astonishingly accurate projection.

LF: You really nailed it. But why Ratzinger? What put him over?

WS: A few things, LF. Ratzinger always polled well on qualities like "strong leadership" and "cares about cardinals like you". But really the image of strength is what put him over. It was a point his campaign team pounded home with slogans like "Joe Ratzinger - One Tough Cardinal" and "Ratzinger: A Catholic You Don't Want To Cross". The voters simply believed that he would take a firmer stand against sin than any of his competitors.

In other words, it was the values vote.

LF: The values vote?

WS: Yes. Particularly as it relates to sexual matters. One advantage that Cardinal Ratzinger enjoyed was his age. At 78, Ratzinger is not just celibate, he's super-celibate. Under questioning from his colleagues, the Cardinal stated that his last impure thought was during a 1979 Olivia Newton-John special. That's a no-lust record that virtually none of his opponents could match.

LF: Beyond the personalities, who were the swing voting blocs?

WS: Well, LF, there was really only one: Catholics. Fully 100% of the voters participating in the Conclave were Catholic - and we can say that with a level of statistical certainty that is rare in this business.

LF: What kind of Catholics?

WS: Very observant Catholics. Again, 100% of Conclave participants said they attend church on a daily basis, unless they're deathly ill.

LF: And what qualities did they value most in a perspective pontiff?

WS: Above all else: Catholicism. In fact, we tested several noted non-Papists - Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell, the Dalai Lama - against the option "Unnamed male Catholic", and in virtually every instance, the Catholic won big.

LF: That's a high level of devotion.

WS: Yes it is. When you consider that these voters would presumably elevate Mickey Rourke or Joey Buttafuoco before New York's junior senator or a former secretary of state, it really is.

LF: And what kind of Catholicism would they like to see from the new Pope?

WS: Well, there's been a real backlash within the Church against the so-called "cafeteria Catholics" who pick and choose which teachings to obey. The election of Ratzinger is a hearty endorsement of a whole new form of faith.

LF: What form?

WS: The details are still being worked out but the Cardinals are calling it "All-You-Can-Eat Catholicism." Under the Ratzinger reign, the Vatican plans to load up the faithful with extra servings of admonishment, orthodoxy and guilt. In accordance with these policies, the Eucharist will be adjusted slightly. The wine will now approximate a Big Gulp, and the wafers will be super-sized.

LF: If the conservatives won here, who were the losers?

WS: The people who usually lose when the Vatican meets: gays, women, anyone who want the church to move in a more progressive direction. That's not a surprise. The big losers were the Italians. They once had a lock on the papacy, and now they haven't elected a Pope since The Jeffersons were on in prime time. I mean, they can't even win in their home country! The Italian clergy is going to have to do some real soul-searching and message retooling if they ever want to say "Queremos Papa!" again and really mean it.

LF: Speaking of soul-searching, did the impact of the sexual abuse scandals play any role in this contest?

WS: Well, we asked the Cardinals whether the next pope should take a more public stance against pedophilia in the priesthood. Their responses were decidedly non-responsive:

Don't Know 35%
Can't Say 13%
Can't Hear You 11%
What's That? 10%
Coughing Loudly 31%

LF: Very interesting numbers. Excellent analysis as always, Bill.

WS: Thank you, LF. I hope we can meet again before the end of this Pope's natural life.

Vatican Election: All Robed Up

Yes, friends, it's all over but the tears - and endless harangues against abortion and homosexuality. A new pope has been selected. In honor of this occasion, I am officially changing my handle to "Lombaire Fan the First". It's a meaningless title that has no historical precedent, but as they say, "When in Rome..."

That's right, like most of the press, I've been camped out in Vatican City awaiting word from the College of Cardinals. There were a few false alarms on Monday and Tuesday, when what appeared to be puffs of grey smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel, indicating either deadlock or a visit by actor-comedian Tommy Chong. The smoke signals are of course one of the Vatican's oldest traditions, when all ballots are burned to signify a decision - the same process used by the Ohio Elections Board. But at 6:00 PM AD, the result became official:



Taking the balcony to the strains of Tina Turner's "(You're Simply) The Best", Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was made the 265th Pope - and the 264th that most people won't remember too well. He has selected as his moniker "Benedict XVI" - coincidentally, the name of Michael Jackson's youngest son. For the Holy Father-Elect, this is clearly the dream of a lifetime. At 78, he's taking on the arduous task of slowing social progress more than any other pontiff in Vatican history. It's a tall order but he certainly has the credentials and confidence to rise to the occasion.

Coming up: Polling the Papists

Coming Up....



Schwarzenegger Poll Sag

Schmucky Like The Wolf



As you know, Lomblog has never been afraid to take on major figures in the establishment press. We were, for instance, one of the first blogs to expose the family connections that may have aided Access: Hollywood anchor Billy Bush. Which is why we were pleased when the liberal media watchdog site Media Matters zeroed in on some comments by CNN's Wolf Blitzer. It's about time someone picked up our slack.

During coverage of the Pope's funeral, Blitzer opened one segment with this:

BLITZER: -- U.S. Catholics are a diverse group, as illustrated by two of our Crossfire co-hosts, the conservative Robert Novak, the liberal Paul Begala. Both good Catholics -- I don't know "good" Catholics, but both Catholics. I'm sure Bob is a good Catholic, I'm not so sure about Paul Begala.

This drew a sharp response from Begala:

BEGALA: Well, now, who are you to pass moral judgment on my religion, Mr. Blitzer? My goodness gracious.

BLITZER: So you are a good Catholic?

BEGALA: I'm serious, that annoys me. I don't think anybody should presume that a liberal is not a good Catholic.

BLITZER: I was certainly not questioning -- I was only teasing.

BEGALA: Okay.

BLITZER: Don't be so sensitive.

Sadly, this was not an isolated incident. As we poured over CNN transcripts, we learned that Mr. Blitzer has frequently performed on-air more like an office bore than a professional journalist.

Here's a prime example from another interview conducted that same day:

BLITZER: We have now a very special guest, Bishop Alexander Kowalchik of Poland. Bishop Kowalchik was actually mentored by Pope John Paul as a young priest, and he joins us live via satellite from Rome.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Hello, Wolf.

BLITZER: Hello, Bishop, and thank you for speaking to us. It must be quite moving for you to see the intense emotion surrounding the Pope's funeral.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Yes, Wolf. The sheer number of mourners, both average citizens and dignitaries, is overwhelming.

BLITZER: Certainly, Bishop. In fact, I believe I heard that this was the largest gathering of Catholic clergy in one place since the last time Hanson toured.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Huh?

JUDY WOODRUFF: Wolf! Hahahaha.

BLITZER: Nothing, Bishop. Just a little aside for our younger viewers.

Anyway, I figure it was quite emotional for you to see the Pope lying in state.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Yes, it was, Wolf. But I took a certain comfort knowing His Holiness is finally free of the pain and distress that troubled him in his final days. Pope John Paul is now resting peacefully in the arms of Heaven, under the watchful eye of the Blessed Mother. So while his physical form has departed us, his spirit is still very much alive.

BLITZER: That's interesting. I know, watching the Pope all week, I couldn't help but think of an old joke. Do you know it, Bishop?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Uh, I'm not sure.

BLITZER: How do you spot the Polish guy at a funeral home? Bishop?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Well....I'm not sure.

BLITZER: He's the one pounding on the lid of the casket, shouting "Let me out, I just wanted to lie down for a bit!"

JUDY WOODRUFF: Hahaha - oh Wolf!

BOB NOVAK: Hey O!

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: I'm not sure I find that appropriate.

BLITZER: Lighten up, Bishop. I'm sure the Pope would've laughed.

But on this topic, what would you say is the difference between burying an Italian pope and burying a Polish pope?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: The difference? I really wouldn't say there is a difference. I think everyone in Rome was always well aware of John Paul's national origin. But he was beloved here as any of the Italian popes that preceded him.

BLITZER: That's interesting. See, I always heard the difference is, When you bury an Italian pope, all the good restaurants close for a day. But when you bury a Polish pope, the service improves.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: What?

BLITZER: I'm Wolf Blitzer. You're watching CNN. We'll be right back.

E-mail Wolf Blitzer and ask him to stop being such a dick.

Lomblog Anniversary

As mentioned in a previous post, this week marks Lomblog's one-year anniversary on Blogger. Yes, on April 13, 2004, Lomblog debuted and created such a sensation that virtually no other blogger would link to it for fear their own work would pale in comparison. But despite this, LF himself has always been remarkably gracious to his colleages and competitors. Recall these words from a post on the Dan Rather memogate controversy:

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me!

- Rather Duped September 20, 2004

For the rest of the month, particularly when inspiration is running low, we'll look back at other highlights. Unfortunately, most of the April 1974 to April 2004 archives are unavailable except on grainy kinescopes that fetch nearly $10 on e-bay. Moments like the Willie Aames tomahawk incident or the time Drew Barrymore jumped on LF's desk and flashed her penicillin shots are, alas, gone forever - lost in a fire that helped LF finance a new condo. But the memories remain...

To commemorate, vote in this web poll:

Behind The Headlines: FDA Implant Decision

Wednesday, a federal advisory panel recommended the Food & Drug Administration lift the ban on silicone gel breast implants. Given that silicone has previously been linked to numerous health risks, the recommendation may seem like quite a surprise. But has anyone bothered to look at the people who actually make up this panel?



Conflict-of-interest much? When the transcripts of these hearings are finally published, by either the Government Printing Offices or FHM, I hope we learn this was an honest, thorough investigation and not a bureaucratic circle jerk run amuk. Until then, bon appétit, gentlemen.

Coming soon: Should De-Evolution be taught in the classroom?

Back Shortly

Lombaire Fan will be busy the next few days, scouting locations for Lomblog's one-year-anniversary party and paying tribute to the late Johnnie Cochran by trying on gloves in the Rodeo Drive shopping district. But the Lomblog staff does not rest. These are just a few of the stories on tap for next week:

"The Outsourcing of Catholicism: CNN's Lou Dobbs Takes On Latin Mass"

"Jane Fonda Apologizes For Visiting Vietnamese Restaurants"

"The Hammer Drives It In: GOP Leader Tom DeLay Finishes First In Masters Butthole Tournament"

"Greil Marcus' 5,000 Word Essay On Four Notes From The New Springsteen CD"

Until then, enjoy this papal decanter:

The Royal Wedding



Well, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have made it official: even a three-hour funeral mass conducted mostly in Latin gets higher ratings than the second marriage of England's future king. But the long-awaited union of these two adulterous aristocrats was still the subject of much curiosity. Unfortunately, I couldn't go myself; my celebratory kilt was still at the cleaners. But before the wedding, we did speak to Lomblog's official royal watcher, Ronnie Jove Montley. Ronnie is the host of the upcoming syndicated program Access: Buckingham, and a distant relation of both Lord Mountbatton and Lord & Taylor. Here's our conversation:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Ronnie, you've covered the royal family for a long time now. Many people on Saturday will probably think back to the day Prince Charles wed Lady Diana Spencer back in 1981. Can the current royals ever hope to match the excitement of the Charles and Di reign?

RONNIE JOVE MONTLEY: No, LF. Diana was a once-in-a-lifetime figure. She was both good copy and good television. She was glamourous, youthful, lively, elegant, graceful, poised and - sometimes - interesting.

LF: And how does Camilla differ?

RJM: Camilla differs in almost every respect.

LF: Sounds like it'll be a real challenge for royal-watchers like yourself to find things to talk about.

RJM: Certainly. Sometimes it'll be a challenge just keeping our eyes open.

LF: But surely, there will be some continuity. Diana was known for her charity work; won't Camilla - or the Princess-Consort, as she'll be known - carry on in the same vein?

RJM: Yes, LF. I believe that Camilla will be involved in several charities that are near and dear to her. In fact, I believe that over time, the Princess-Consort will emerge as the primary spokesperson for a number of causes, involving people who have been displaced, dispossessed, wounded, injured.

LF: Injured? Like land-mine victims?

RJM: No, LF. Each year, millions of people in Great Britain and throughout the world, are injured - by falling out of the "ugly tree" and hitting every branch on their way down. In everything she does and says - simply by her very being - Camilla will be a champion for these unfortunates.

LF: That doesn't sound like much of a cause.

RJM: Oh but it is. And there'll be other causes.

LF: Such as?

RJM: Well, in addition to her work on behalf of the homely, I believe the Princess-to-be will also advocate for those who have been ostracized, mistreated, beaten --

LF: Beaten? Like political prisoners? Battered wives?

RJM: No, LF. Millions of people, almost from the moment of their birth, are beaten - beaten with an "ugly stick". Beaten, and beaten so severely, it almost hurts to look at them. The Princess-Consort will bring their cause to the forefront because, let's be candid here - she has the kind of face that could stop Big Ben.

LF: That's very cruel.

RJM: Yes, it is cruel, when you consider the plight of those who have both fallen out of an "ugly tree" and been beaten with an "ugly stick", not to mention those who were so ugly at birth, the doctor slapped the mother --

LF: I'm sorry, but I find this very distasteful. Your "reporting" is simply recycling old jokes at the expense of the Princess-Consort! I mean, if Charles loves her, what does it matter what she looks like? And frankly, I don't think Camilla Parker Bowles is really that unattractive.

RJM: Ah. I see what you're saying: put a bag over her head and she's still a monarch, is that it?

LF: I did not say that. You know, you're awfully crude for a man who claims royal lineage.

RJM: Crude? Interesting word for a man who's all but admitted he'd like to trade places with Charles and mount the Windsor hobbyhorse -

LF: Stop putting words in my mouth -

RJM: Sorry. Just feel the need to liven things up around here.

LF: Understandable. Now, before we wrap up, can you explain to us why Camilla will be called the Princess-Consort? Why has she taken that title?

RJM: It's because of the controversy surrounding these two. Many Britons are uncomfortable with the idea that a divorcée who played a role in the break-up of the Prince's last marriage could someday be queen. Of course, there were other titles she considered. Such as "the Princess-Escort" and "the Princess-F*#@-Buddy". And this was not completely one-sided. Prince Charles also considered changing his title.

LF: Really? To what?

RJM: The Prince-Tampax.

LF: Honestly?

RJM: Yes. You may remember the controversy some years back in which secretly taped phone conversations revealed that the Prince would like to be reincarnated as Camilla's tampon. Calling himself "the Prince-Tampax of Wales" was just the kind of sentimental gesture you'd expect from a man so clearly besotted with his new bride. Fortunately, he was talked out of it.

LF: By the Queen?

RJM: No - by the Buckingham legal team. British libel and slander laws are very strict, you know.

LF: I'm not sure I understand.

RJM: Well, there was concern that a major tampon-manufacturer would feel itself slandered by an association with the British royal family.

LF: Thank you for clearing that up. Just out of curiosity, where do you go from here?

RJM: Believe it or not, I'll be following Prince Harry to a NASCAR rally in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Should be interesting, as I hear he's romancing the daughter of former white supremacist leader Tom Metzger. Oh, and though it's a bit outside my purview, I'm also heading to Monaco in the hopes that Prince Albert starts dating someone sightly.

LF: Thank you, Ronnie. I hope you'll find time to chat with us again. Until then, happy royal-watching!

Who Will Follow?

The big news this week is undoubtedly the death of Pope John Paul II. In Rome, thousands of mourners have gathered at St. Peter's Basilica for a chance to pay final respects and be interviewed by CNN's Anderson Cooper. It is impossible to not be moved by this procession. Of course, I didn't always see eye to eye with the pontiff; we disagreed on issues like abortion, the death penalty, gay marriage and the papal doctrine of infallibility. But I certainly admired his gusto, and even as a non-Catholic, felt a special kinship. When you consider the Pope's outspoken stance against the degradations of modern society, as conveyed in lengthy encyclicals which even his supposed followers didn't read, I think it's fair to dub him "World's Most Exalted Blogger."

As the affection for John Paul pours in from people of all faiths, it's shocking to consider that just a few decades ago Catholics were the subject of vicious slurs, even hate speak. In less enlightened quarters, Catholicism was portrayed as a sinister "cult" within Christianity; the Pope himself called a "spawn of Satan". Fortunately, that kind of bigotry is mostly behind us now. Today, the Church is far more synonymous with ritual child sex abuse and systemic cover-up. You've come a long way, baby!

So the question now is, What's next? Where does the Catholic flock go from here, and who will lead them? Luckily, I happen to have a close friend who works inside the Vatican and is privy to confidential discussions among Rome's elite clergy. Here's an e-mail I received from him today:

LF,

You and your readers may be aware that the College of Cardinals have selected April 18 as the date in which a new pope will be selected. But from what I'm hearing, the announcement could be quite anti-climactic. That's because one candidate has leapfrogged over all others, partly on the basis of his closeness to the deceased. He is perhaps the only possible replacement who can match John Paul's rock-star charisma and fervent world following. He is a man of proven compassion and deep spiritual faith. Alone among the potential pontiffs, he brings the promise of energy, youth and above all, constant media attention.

Catholics far and wide, meet your new Holy Father:



You could say this is a real "Hail Mary pass" by the Cardinals. But the many potential upsides far outweigh the down. In contrast to the current church leadership - seen as archaic and stuck in its ways - Bono is a master at reinventing himself. It's a trait that's enabled him to stay relevant long past the likes of Simple Minds' Jim Kerr or that other mullet-wearing guy who sang for the Alarm.

While John Paul II was the most well-traveled pope in history, Bono is even more well-traveled. He has shown the ability to lift the spirits of the downtrodden the world over, whether they inhabit rundown huts in North Africa or the studio audience of Saturday Night Live. His way with a romantic ballad and unvarnished masculinity will also help the Church recover some heterosexual bona fides lost in the recent molestation scandals.

Of course, this decision is not yet final. There are still kinks to be worked out. Bono is not actually Catholic, nor does he speak Italian. If he accepts, he will have to slightly reduce the size of his personal entourage and cutback on outside projects. Moreover, as a long-term member of one of the world's most successful rock bands, the projected pope no doubt has much to atone for, such as wearing leather pants at Live Aid and the Village People crap in that late Nineties video. I won't say Pop was as bad as the Crusades, but man, what a stinker.

Would the papacy of Bono I be traditionalist or reformist? His lyrics might give some clue but it probably depends on how heavily Brian Eno is involved in the production of Mass.

Lastly, there is a chance that Bono could turn down this high honor. Leading the world's largest Christian denomination is an even more high-pressure gig than heading the World Bank or advertising iPods. But the man has never been known to shrink from a stage.

Everyone at the Vatican can only hope that when the offer is finally made, Bono's response goes something like this:

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

Why I Was Away

Well, I'm back. As always after a brief hiatus, I feel the need to explain my absence. No, I haven't "sold out" by turning "pro" or getting married, like some bloggers. But the honeymoon is over. What honeymoon, you ask? The one between Lomblog and the emerging pro-democracy movements of the Middle East.

Let me explain. Shortly after my last post, I headed for Israel with a friend I met at Carrie Fisher's Oscar party - and honestly, I'm just as lucky to have survived that! This guy happened to be an old hand in the LA comedy scene, who had closely followed my work on international issues. After a couple of Mai Tais, the two of us got to talking - seriously - about comedy, as well as the remarkable "winds of change" then sweeping the Mideast landscape. It was only a matter of time before we stumbled upon an idea that coupled both our interests: an all-Islamic improvisational comedy theater, built right in the heart of the Gaza Strip. Or as we came to call it, The Second Settlement. Not one to waste time or frequent-flyer miles, I immediately booked us a flight at LAX.

Those first few days were easily the best part of the trip. In Palestine, we found some major talent: guys like Jimmy Mustafa, "man of a thousand militant voices"; and Khalid Carrell, whose impersonation of Simon Cowell at the Wailing Wall was literally dynamite. But the cast was not yet complete. So we decided to make a brief stop in Beirut, Lebanon which friends informed us was bursting with comedic talent.

Well, the place was bursting alright - with demonstrators. Angry, chanting, utterly humorless demonstrators. It was like the 1960s all over again, without the music, "good vibes" and charmingly scruffy nakedness. We couldn't have lunch in any of the outdoor cafes without some bellicose delinquent screaming slogans at us. Finally, I gently inquired to what was - unhappily for me - an English-speaking dissident: "What's with these protests? I know President Assad is a jerk and all, but you people are carrying on like someone died!" Very, very poor choice of words, especially while standing in a place called Martyr's Square. If only I'd been briefed on the situation beforehand. In any case, I was knocked out cold.

A photographer captured the scene just seconds after my assault:



I did not regain consciousness for another 28 days. It wasn't a really deep coma but I probably caught more z's than an Kenneth Branagh/Emma Thompson film festival. Eventually, I was hooked to a feeding tube. It was an act of compassion that would trigger a nationwide firestorm.

It started when the Lebanese, not wishing to antagonize the US at a particularly sensitive time, issued this photo to prove I was still alive and well:




A backlash quickly followed. In a Muslim culture far more accepting of death than many Westerners', there was outrage that I was being kept alive through artificial means. The anger was compounded by the incredible cost of both the feeding tube and around-the-clock security required for my protection. Within days of the photo's release, crowds began to form outside the hospital. Just under my window they began a loud chant: "Let the American die!" That's when I came to.

Now here I am, with a lot of catching up to do. In my month away from America and Lomblog, I received over a dozen e-mails and letters of concern from friends, family and collection agencies. I also learned that this "friend" and erstwhile business partner had moved into my apartment, supposedly in accordance with requests in my "living will". That will have to be worked out in court.

Until then, I will push for a nationwide "LF's law". Never again should an American's life and livelihood be threatened by Arab "reformers" and their selfish demands for political freedom.

Vengeance will be mine!