This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: August 30, 2004

"LF At The RNC"

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging.

So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Election (Very) Post-Mortem

Your old friend LF here, returning from my five-day post-election bender. Right now I'm feeling as hungover and weathered as Yasir Arafat's head-dress. And let's face it, the chances of either of us being seen on White House grounds again are looking pretty slim. But I did manage to file one more report from the campaign trail Tuesday evening. Of course, it was based on preliminary exit polls that later proved inaccurate, so I've had to make a few minor revisions....

Well, the people have spoken and it appears they've said a resounding no to four more years of President George W. Bush Senator John F. Kerry. Though he campaigned energetically to the end, Bush Kerry wasn't able to overcome the rising tide of voter anger contentment. Americans were in a mood for change, not more of the same, and ready to turn the page on a blind eye toward chronic job losses, out-of-control deficits, chaos in Iraq and the shame not-so-big-deal of Abu Gharib. With all the mechanisms of power at his disposal, Bush Kerry finally couldn't defeat an ironclad rule of all re-election races: results do don't matter.

The outcome was tight and long in doubt, but events at campaign's close likely tipped the balance. When Osama Bin-Laden reappeared on videotape just three days before the election, it highlighted the fact that after four years as president twenty years in the Senate, Bush Kerry had failed to make America safer by capturing the terrorist mastermind responsible for 9-11. Nor had he spelled out a vision for a potential second term presidency beyond more large tax cuts for the wealthy middle class, lawyer - CEO bashing and embracing opposing the religious right's cultural agenda. Instead he waged a campaign of fear: fear of Kerry Bush, fear of terrorism a possible draft and fear of a "flip-flopping" "Massachusetts liberal" "reckless, arrogant" Republican incumbency. Probably the campaign's pivot point was the first debate, where in contrast to Mr. Kerry's Bush's poised, confident performance, Bush Kerry seemed flustered, defensive, reduced to the tedious recitation of a single catchphrase: "It's hard work" "I have a plan". From then on, it was straight downhill.

The election may have turned on negative feelings about Mr. Bush Kerry and concerns about the nation's direction, but with a brand-new old chief executive committed to making a fresh start hell, there are reasons to be cautiously delusionally optimistic. Kerry Bush is, after all, an authentic war hero president who understands undermines the combat experience. During his political career, he's demonstrated a willingness to work with smear politicians from both sides, such as Senator John McCain of Arizona. As a senator president, the environment has always been a high low priority for him. He's committed to advancing opposing scientific research. Having traveled the world since he was a youth fifty-five-year-old, President Kerry Bush can perhaps repair completely destroy our fractured global alliances. Yes, now's the time for all Americans white evangelical Christians and voters earning over $100,000 a year to get behind their leader. Certainly, he will need all the help he can get, as he faces a hostile lapdog Congress and several difficult challenges consonants.

So congratulations, President-Elect Kerry President Bush on your remarkable victory. You truly have a mandate for sweeping change banning gay marriage. As a wise man once said, "Bring it on!" "Mission accomplished!"

Election Night

Well, it's election night in these United States and you can feel the tension in the air. The results are just now trickling in, but here at Lomblog we are absolutely commited to not declaring a winner until all the votes are counted. Which means we should be able to project a victor by March 7, 2006. Still, we come prepared.

If Senator Kerry wins tonight, you'll see a graphic much like this one:




But if President Bush gets four more years, this is what you might see:




More to come...

Charting the Undecideds

The 2004 campaign has now entered the home stretch. In a little more than two weeks, we will know which candidate has been fraudulently elected president of the United States. But for now, there are still many Americans who have yet to decide whether Bush or Kerry should spend the next four years in the White House or wasting away in a drunken, urine-soaked stupor. In our latest Cheese Or Lose Special Report, we zero in on some of the critical swing voting blocs that could determine this election.

Joining us once again is our resident polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Debate Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent column, Debate Winner: Did The Debates Produce A Winner?, appeared in over 500 newspapers and 200 internets. Here's our discussion of his latest findings.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey Bill, good to see you again.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: Great to be back, LF. It's really getting down to the wire --- or should I say, "down to the wire"?

LF: It certainly is. Tell us about the voters you talked to.

WS: Well, as you know, in every election, there are certain key undecided voting groups that everyone agrees will be decisive - that is, if they decide to decide. In past years, we've had "soccer moms", "NASCAR dads", and "MILFs". Well, the focus groups we assembled to watch Wednesday night's final debate were broken down into representative samples of constituencies that both candidates must woo to be successful. That is, to succeed in winning the election.

LF: And what was your approach to interviewing them?

WS: Well, each member of our groups were given electronic instruments - instruments with a safety margin of plus or minus 100%. Through this, we were able to instantly record, in chart form, voter response to the debate. And as you'll see, each chart contains two lines - one for each candidate. These lines go up; they also go down. Down means the voters didn't like what they were hearing, up means they did. And to avoid any further confusion, we've chosen entirely different colors for both nominees. So the yellow line represents Senator Kerry, while the white lines - as in his party days - belong to the president.

LF: So tell us about the first group.

WS: Well, as you know, LF, health care is a very important issue in this campaign. So we wanted to test the reaction of some would-be voters who are perhaps closest to the American medical system: hospital patients who are currently unconscious and being kept alive via respirator. There are thousands of comatose voters in battleground states across this country who could make all the difference if they awake before Election Day and turn out at the polls. Using a cardiograph, this is the result we captured:




As you can see, not a lot of movement. For all the talk of stem cell research, medical malpractice and the like, these voters just didn't budge. What will it take to engage them? Who knows? We thought we saw a bit of a blip when the president raised his voice and pounded the podium a few times, but alas, nothing. On the other hand, the Kerry campaign will point to this group's constant somnolence as further evidence the Senator is a reassuring figure who doesn't "alarm" voters. So basically a wash. Looks like this is one bloc of undecideds that both campaigns might as well just write off.

LF: Very interesting. Are there any voters who are surprisingly undecided?

WS: Yes, LF - the media. That's right, the media. Many people assume that all journalists secretly carry a partisan axe but in fact, several prominent newsmen have not yet picked a candidate. Take Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. Though he works for a network known for its conservative leanings, O'Reilly professes to be undecided. Moreover, on the day of the final debate, Bill was slapped with a multimillion dollar sexual harrassment lawsuit. So it's safe to say he had a lot on his mind. But with the help of a female Fox News producer who covertly attached a blood-pressure meter to Mr. O'Reilly's person, we were able to catch his response to the debate as it happened:




Lots of up-and-down movement, as you would expect from O'Reilly. As you can see, his interest peaked early on, when President Bush referenced prostitution. Other Bush answers that resonated with O'Reilly included the president's discussion of the so-called "back-door draft" and a mention of Bangor, Maine that the anchorman may have misinterpreted. Kerry's best moment, from the O'Reilly perspective, came when he mentioned Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. But President Bush topped even that by talking about his own college-aged daughters. In fact, just about any mention of "Bush" or "daughters" seemed to play well with the New York-based broadcaster. I think everyone at our polling unit would agree that despite his protestations to the contrary, Bill O'Reilly is definitely leaning in the president's direction - and leaning pretty hard.

LF: What about the gay community? Any undecideds there?

WS: Certainly. At a Seattle tavern, we assembled a group of over 200 uncommitted lesbians - purely for research purposes. How did they react to the debate?




As you can see, very tight race. In fact, neither candidate scored as well as they did in the last debate, when both mentioned timber. If I can offer a little bit of advice to both men, it's that they're going to have to work awfully hard to reach that lesbian vote, if they don't want to go home on Tuesday November 2 feeling the cold slap of rejection.

LF: Lesbians, the comatose, Bill O'Reilly - who could be left?

WS: Well, our next group was arranged just for a bit of fun. In every campaign, there's much discussion of children, families and the American future. So we played the debate for gaggle of toddlers in Des Moines, Iowa. We actually found them less demanding than your typical undecided voter. And their response to the debate was quite sophisticated:




Is it a bunny? A kitten? Some kind of giant mouse? Hard to tell. In fact, that's all that you can say about who's winning this race: it's just too hard to tell.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, the pleasure is mine.

VP Debate: Number 2's Throw Down

If you thought the presidential debate was exciting, then you must have been really riveted by last night's prime-time duel between John "Pretty Boy" Edwards and Dick "Dickie Boy" Cheney. The atmosphere within that Cleveland auditorium was electric. Everyone gathered knew that in a close race like this, even a debate between second-stringers could have.....marginal impact at best. With stakes that high, Cheney and Edwards had clearly left the boxing gloves in an undisclosed location. Just seconds after the handshake and huddle, they got down to some of the nastiest political action Ohio's seen since Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati.

After the first Bush-Kerry debate, much comment was made on the body language of the two candidates. Well, this debate also had some interesting body language, but unfortunately, most of it took place off-camera. Good thing I took notes:




Yes, there was a chill in the air, and not just from Second Lady Lynne Cheney as she eyed me draining my Slurpee. These two guys really don't like each other. The hostility was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, then spend the rest of your life at Guantanamo. Cheney sought to portray Edwards as an inexperienced, undistinguished first-term senator who flip-flops on major issues. Meanwhile, Edwards portrayed Cheney as a dishonest, ultra-conservative corporate criminal whose only saving grace is his Sapphic daughter. How refreshing. Voters who complain about choosing "the lesser of two evils" would have no trouble finding truly great evil on display here.

Not that the two men didn't demonstrate any positive qualities. In contrast to the president, VP Cheney showed an astonishing command of the facts, especially considering that so little of what he said was factual. The North Carolina senator, on the other hand, was a study in all-American telegenic star power, every bit as boyishly charming as in his days playing "John-Boy" on The Waltons. I'm glad he's had the mole taken in a little. The only downside is that Edwards may have seemed a little too young, a little too fresh, maybe coming off as something of a lightweight. Not a problem for Cheney, who once again showed that he is a major Dick. A highly accomplished, very experienced, gravitas-laden, bigtime Dick.

The fact that Cheney and Edwards debated while seated at a table rather than standing behind podiums probably worked to the Republican's advantage as well. Edwards had to have it in the back of his mind that at any moment, Cheney could reach over, rip his heart through his chest and devour it with a plate of lima beans. Of course, the highly disciplined GOPer knew this would have been terribly "off-message", though admittedly very tasty.

Still, there were gaffes. The most notable came when Edwards attacked Cheney for his stewardship of the controversial Halliburton oil company, and Cheney responded by telling viewers to get the "real story" at "factcheck.com"; the actual address is factcheck.org. Oops! I have to confess the Vice-President isn't the only one with a little egg on his face. I guess I wasn't listening closely enough, but I could've sworn the words in question were not "fact check" but well....something kinda similar. Before I learned the truth, I'd already spent several hours paging through sites like this:




I won't lie: I was really befuddled by this mixup. I didn't get it - was the Vice President saying he couldn't have been aware of Halliburton's crimes because he was too busy "chubby-chasing" around the office? This from an administration that promised a "change in tone" from the Clinton years.

Finally, the debate ended up as more or less a draw. Both candidates achieved their goals. Cheney proved he could sit for 90 minutes without keeling over. And Edwards went head-to-head with the most powerful vice-president in history - a feat that certainly qualifies him to take on terrorists with only slightly less personal charm.

Bring on the next debate!

Debate Aftermath

Ye olde devoted reader(s), oh how I've missed you! I'm now back from three days of detainment in Coral Gables, Florida - site of the first presidential debate and by strange coincidence, the latest federally designated disaster area. Since the Bush-Kerry face-off Thursday night, initial impressions have gelled and then hardened - and as you know, it's hard work getting impressions to harden. Who won? Well, I had seats close to the stage, so I was a bit distracted by Mrs. Heinz-Kerry's constant snuff-chewing. But most polling has given Massachusetts' junior senator a discernable "bounce". And for the Kerry campaign, this has to be the biggest break since TBS stopped showing Munsters reruns.

Most experts and many viewers seem to believe the Senator came off more "presidential" than the president. But I believe there was an extra dimension to Mr. Bush's performance - in fact, he was downright "presi-dimensional". Yes, there's probably never been a greater display of presi-dimensia in all of American political history.

How did the president do? Almost from the beginning it seemed like he was on the defensive, displaying the body language of Bambi's mom after hearing the hunters approach:




Still, he wasted no time reminding the audience of his major accomplishment: holding office through a succession of tragedies. Terrorism dominated the discussion; an apt subject matter, given gaps in Bush's 90-second responses large enough to drive a truck bomb through. Let's hope our public transportation is less vulnerable to derailment than the president's train of thought.

The candidates went back and forth on the Iraq war. Kerry argued that the president failed to build a broad international coalition, relying largely on the help of Great Britain and Australia. To which the president interjected: "Actually, you forgot Poland." Now, under the rules, the candidates were not allowed to question each other directly. Too bad, as it would've been interesting to see Kerry ask, "Mr. President, exactly how many Poles does it take to help us in Iraq?" (Answer: thirty to guard the oil in the pipeline, forty to keep the others from huffing it).

I can't wait for the next debate on Friday, and neither can the people of Florida, who are anxious to learn which candidate is a strong, decisive leader that will help reconstruct their porch.

Final Night Diary

Whew, what a week. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, trying to digest it all. Which would be a lot easier if I hadn't swallowed the worm at Sen. Rick Santorum's Bash For The Unborn all-night mixer. I know if Santorum had his way, this country would be a cloistered theocracy, but I must admit, the dude parties like it's 1959!

For the past four days, this whole city was infected with a Republican fever that is just now beginning to break. Watching late-night tv, one got a sense of just how welcoming New Yorkers can be: all the porn stars on local cable access were wearing elephant pins on their persons! At least, I think those were elephant pins.

Anyway, while I was on the floor during last night's pandemonium, I took a lot of notes. I've assembled them now for this very special LF Convention Diary:

9:30 PM - Well, the excitement is building as we prepare for the moment every delegate has been waiting for: Zell Miller biting the head off a live bat. No, no, we're waiting for the president's speech. And as in Boston, this place is packed with stars. Look, there's Bo Derek! And Wayne Newton! And Bo Derek again! And one of the Oak Ridge Boys! And the fat Baldwin brother! Seriously, there's so much glitz and glamour here, I feel like I've walked onto a 1982 episode of The John Davidson Show.

9:45 PM - Of course, some have wondered why the convention was held here in New York. Really, I think the selection made perfect sense. When most people think of New York, they think of Broadway, Woody Allen, carriage rides in Central Park....and Republicans. Yes, NYC and conservative politics just go together, like, well...Jerry Falwell and hordes of militant gay activists. Or neo-con Israeli hawks and the Nation of Islam. Or Washington-based libertarian think tanks and huge, public-sector-based unions. Yep, I can't think of any other city that would be more supportive of a Republican convention, except possibly San Francisco or Najaf.

For many attending the convention, this is their first visit to the Big Apple. And what wonderful memories they'll take home. Montana's delegation saw the Statue of Liberty; Nebraska took in a Broadway play; and Delaware shared a needle with a bald bisexual graffiti artist who lives in a small corner of Macy's. Yes, these are experiences they won't soon forget, especially when they wake up tomorrow morning with a tattoo that says PROPERTY OF BIG DONNIE.

9:59 PM - Now we're in the middle of a documentary retrospective on the Bush presidency. The 9-11 attacks are heavily featured. Very bittersweet for these Republicans, thinking back to a time when 3,000 Americans died, and the president's approval rating soared. I'm sure everyone in this building remembers where they were and what they were doing when that second Gallup poll hit the airwaves.

10:03 PM - The president has just arrived on stage and, wow, what a reaction. I thought these people were mostly BS'ing, but apparently, they really do want to re-elect him. The emotions are unreal, much like the promises. The woman next to me is crying her eyes out, and I don't even see Gov. Schwarzenegger standing anywhere near us. A Fox News correspondent just had an orgasm - I'm guessing, for the very first time. A man in the Pennsylvania delegation sacrificed a newborn calf in supplication. The whole place is chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" - now I know this has to be a gag. George W. Bush, you've been POTUS'ed!

10:14 PM - Uh oh. I feel a disruption coming on. Something's stirring in the crowd. Oh yes...if you're watching this on the networks, you probably don't know what's happening but you soon will. OMG, can you believe this?! With all the tight security!

Former Vice President Gore has just streaked the convention!



This is definitely going on the highlight reel! And I don't want to get too graphic here, but...NO RECOUNT NECESSARY! Gore's really trying to undercut the message that Democrats are "soft".

Prez looks a little rattled at first but seems to have recovered. Down in Texas, we call that "using a teleprompter".

10:45 PM - He's really on a roll now. Lot of terror talk but quite an ambitious domestic agenda too. Education, housing, and a prescription drug benefit for political parties that suffer from schizophrenia. Not sure where the money's going to come from...probably estate auction of the next Iraqi president.

11:11 PM - I think he's winding down now. At least I hope. I guess if you speak concisely, the terrorists will have won.

11:16 PM - Here come the balloons! And all the RNC speakers are up on stage - except for the Bush twins and Zell Miller, who've been dispatched to check out Hurricane Frances. The convention is over, and I loved every minute of it! Every hateful, brazenly hypocritical minute of it! If another Bush term doesn't see the Western world destroyed in a holy war conflagration with the Middle East, I have a feeling I'm going to love 2008 just as much.

Good times. New Yorkers are indeed a resilient lot. Three years ago, they survived the worst terror attack in our nation's history. And this week, they survived a Republican convention.

NYC, the occupation has ended! Freedom is yours! Get well soon!

More From NY: Night Of The Living Dick




LF here - attending the Republican National Convention so you don't have to. Closing night has arrived; we are just hours away from hearing the president of the United States present his plans for the next four years. Not only are Americans inside and outside the Garden on the edge of their seats with anticipation, millions of people in North Korea, Iran and Syria have already assumed a crouching position.

Whatever happens tonight, the president had quite a warm-up act on Wednesday. Easily the emotional high point of the convention thus far was the keynote address by Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat - yes, a Democrat for Bush! It was in this very arena that Miller gave the keynote at Bill Clinton's first convention in 1992, but he's become disillusioned with his party over the last twelve years, in which they've moved to the left to get away from him. Miller is known as a fiesty orator, and the minute he took the podium, it was clear the insanity level would be raised from Moderate to Severe. His voice dripping with contempt for everyone he's traditionally been associated with, the Democrat-turned-Democrat-in-name-only gave the kind of rip-roaring, sock-it-to-'em, stick-it-to-the-man stemwinder that hasn't been heard on a national stage since the Confederacy was defeated. Among the crowd, Miller whipped up a nationalistic fervor so intense, ABC's Peter Jennings used the 20 minutes he was off-air to renew his Canadian citizenship. He may be confused about which party he belongs to, but on one point, the Southerner was certain: George W. Bush is the only candidate for president who can stand up to our #1 menace.....anti-war demonstrators. Oh, and Al Qaeda.

Will Miller's aggressive tone turn off the swing voters? I don't know. He certainly fired up the delegates. I know many journalists referred to the speech as a "barn-burner" but that really understates it. From my vantage point on the floor, I felt like I was hearing a real old-fashioned church-burner! Of course, Zell's fellow Democrats aren't happy. But then, Miller hasn't left the party; the party left him...and might be well-advised to file a restraining order.




After the Georgia dynamo, Vice President Cheney's speech was as anti-climactic as Bob Dole without Viagra. But it did have its moments:

In Iraq , we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein . Seventeen months ago, he controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail.

When I first heard this, I missed the reference to Hussein and assumed he was referring to a former colleague at Halliburton.

Keepin' it real on the ultra-conservative tip,

LF

RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.

LF At The RNC

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging. I was hoping to file one more report from Greece this weekend, but unfortunately had to make a quick exit. It's a long story, but suffice to say, if Michael Phelps really values his gold, he definitely shouldn't leave it unguarded outside a men's room stall.

Of course, covering the RNC has not been without difficulties either. In order to gain access to Madison Square Garden, I had to make a few minor adjustments to the t-shirt I was wearing:




So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger. The demonstrations have been peaceful up to this point, but there's still the potential for disruption. When the Bush party arrives in NYC, the president is likely to be greeted by thousands chanting slogans like "Baby killers go home!" - and for once, they're not his supporters.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Anyway, the major speeches have begun. John McCain took a swipe at Michael Moore - who knew the Republicans had a documentary in contention at Cannes? Rudolph Guiliani just said "you're either with us or you're with the terrorists". Ooh boy...I better check my credentials!

A Grand Old Partier,

LF

Kerry Kontroversy

LF here - still in Olympic party mode but keeping sight of the goings-on back home. According to my briefings, some of the fiercest competition outside Athens is happening in the presidential campaign, where Bush supporters are striving mightily to make John Kerry's medals about as meaningful as Paul Hamm's. The charge made in television ads by the organization Swift Boat Veterans For Truth is that Kerry is exaggerating his Vietnam heroism. Though almost none of the vets featured in the group's spots actually served on Kerry's boat, the SBVTs are still gaining support. Just today, a highly decorated naval veteran of great prominence has risen to add his voice to the anti-Kerry ad choir.





In a devastating 30-second hit, Captain Horatio S. Crunch (né Cap'n Crunch) blasts the Democrat. "If Mr. Kerry is really the hero that he claims, where's his giant ribbon that says 'HERO'?," intones America's leading fighter of the Soggies. "I may have lost my medals a time or two in a particularly fierce battle on the Milk Sea, but I think everyone under my command agrees they were well-earned - just ask my first lieutenant, Guy On The Cracker Jacks Box."

Crunch denies he is doing this for political reasons: "I'm an independent; I've always supported the biggest corporate shill masquerading as a military leader of either party." He does acknowledge a special connection to the White House, as Mr. Bush likely spent several hours staring at his cardboard visage in the president's dissolute "wilderness" years of the early 1970s.

The ad will begin airing this week, mostly on Saturday mornings and during episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants.

Meanwhile, another spot is scheduled for nighttime programming on cable's Nick-At-Nite and TV Land. It also features a distinguished captain of the high seas - this time, questioning the circumstances behind Senator Kerry's combat wounds.




Were Kerry's Purple Heart injuries really sustained while helping Isaac move the roulette table? Millions of people without the proof to back up their suspicions are, nonetheless, very suspicious.

Maybe we should let the judges work this one out. Let's hope they don't make a scoring error like last time.

The Amish Vote

Lombaire Fan is feeling a bit blue these days, perhaps suffering from post-party-convention depression. So he turns things over - briefly - to one of his longtime assistants, the Hack Comic.

Yello? Yello? Terror alert! Terror alert! Kidding...hopefully.

Maybe you missed it, but I happened to catch this article last night about the Bush campaign reaching out to Amish voters, as seen here:



I think this strategy makes a great deal of sense. Not only do the Amish mostly live in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, they're probably the only people in America for whom the Iraqis look to be livin' large. Plus, most Amish haven't been to the movies since "Witness", so it's very unlikely they've seen Fahrenheit 9-11.

Naturally, Amish jokes have long been a staple of any hack comic's repertoire. So, moved by the spirit of Frank Jacks and with inspiration from past elections, I present my latest web poll:

Amish Outreach? What's the best campaign slogan to woo Amish voters? Let's Get America Churning Again Progress, Schmogress! A Reformer Without Electricity Building A Bridge To The 19th Century A Chicken In Every Pot, A Buggy In Every Shed Are You Better Off Than You Were A Fortnight Ago? It's Mulching Again In America Current Results

Vote early and often, until there's a clear winner or this post is knocked off the front page. And be good to LF, folks; he's been good to you.

Convention Wrap




Well, my four-day voyage into the heart of American democracy has ended. John Kerry has accepted the nomination, and I've accepted the mantle of America's preeminent political blogger. These are heady times for both of us. I kinda wish I had a "band of brothers" to share it with, but for now, I guess you'll do.

So what have we learned this week? We've learned that John Kerry may be the most qualified man in the country to fight Al Queda in Vietnam. We've learned that the flag of the United States of America doesn't belong to any one party, it belongs to anyone trying to win a national election. And we've learned that a (sorta) skinny kid with a funny screen name can cover the conventions as well as any of the hacks at the networks. Lt. LF reporting for duty!

Let me say a special word of thanks to the people who made this week possible, beginning with my parents. They taught me the values of faith, family and country that I hope to one day incorporate into a best-selling series and documentary for HBO. I'll never forget the immigrant cab-driver who couldn't speak English very well but had some great dish about the Kennedys. I'll always remember the 23-year-old waitress, struggling to make ends meet, with a child in daycare and a husband away in Iraq or Afghanistan or - I don't really remember, because Bono was at another table and I got very distracted. Oh, what cool sunglasses he had! These are memories I'll treasure in my heart forever, unless America is attacked again and I become an arch right-winger who despises everyone I've partied with for the last four days. Hopefully, that won't happen. But if it does....well, that's why we have two conventions.

A great American novelist once said, You can't go home again. My parents said something similar. But tonight, I am home. Home in my living room. Home with my cats and my Plastic Bertrand posters. So tonight, on behalf of all Lomblog participants, with a faith that tomorrow's posts will be better than today's, I say to you - I really need a shower.

Cue the balloons!

Convention Week Continues

Another exciting night in Beantown. If you've been watching at home, you've probably seen the way Democrats have reached out to people who are unemployed, destitute, and without hope, whether they've just returned from Iraq or broken off an engagement with J-Lo. Unfortunately, I've been too busy star-gazing and enjoying my mini-bar to speak with many of the convention attendees. That's where our National Affairs editor William Sliender comes in. Bill is a senior fellow of Self-Evident Convention Analysis at the Bricklined Institute and the author of a recent column, Convention Bounce: Will Kerry Get A Convention Bounce?. He joined me in the skybox earlier to discuss his polling of the delegates.

LF: Welcome back, Bill. Fancy meeting you here.

WS: Thank you, LF. Great to be back - it's great to be back.

LF: Now the big star tonight was John Edwards, as he officially accepted the VP slot. What's been the reaction of the public so far to the addition of Edwards on the Kerry ticket?

WS: Well, so far I'd say the reaction has been mixed - which is to say, ambivalent. Mostly the response seems to break down along gender lines: a majority of women say they find Edwards earnest, articulate and caring, while men we've polled say they've resented him since high school. This divergence has even prompted a new slogan for the Republicans...Bush-Cheney: Steady, Responsible And Very Unlikely To Turn Up In Your Wife's Diary.

LF: Are the Democrats trying to play up a contrast between Edwards and the incumbent veep, Dick Cheney?

WS: Oh, I think so. Notice that Edwards is frequently photographed with his young children in a way that calls to mind the JFK "Camelot" days of the early '60s. Whereas this is the most flattering photo we could find of Vice President Cheney:




To be fair, the Vice President is reportedly very attractive to people who've seen him up-close and behind-doors in a secret energy task force meeting. Maybe not as photogenic as some, but to the oil industry executives I've talked to, he is a beautiful, beautiful man. I guess that really shows the intense partisan divide in this country.

LF: Speaking of partisan division, what's the sentiment of the delegates today? Is the feeling more pro-Kerry or anti-Bush?

WS: I would say it's a thin line between pro-Kerry and anti-Bush. But there's definitely a fair amount of animosity to the Republican incumbent. In my survey of convention-goers, I asked them to describe their feelings toward the president. These were the results:




Obviously, the challenge for the Democrats this November is to channel that visceral anger into victory at the polls rather than several "road rage" incidents. They've managed to do a pretty good job of it so far - at the convention this week, only one cable news correspondent has been publicly "fragged." You know, they're quiet, but you gotta watch out for that Montana delegation.

LF: On the subject of cable news, do you have any read on how the delegates feel about Fox News covering the convention?

WS: Yes, that was another question I asked. I wanted to know if the Democrats gathered here felt that outlets like Fox were legitimate news organizations or merely tools of the Republican party. Here's how they responded:




I have to say, in all my years as a pollster, I've never seen more unity among Democrats or felt greater fear for my personal safety. With this much anger on both sides, 2004 could be, quite literally, a bloodbath. What an exciting time for us political junkies!

LF: Thursday is John Kerry's acceptance address. How well does he have to do?

WS: He has to really hit it out of the park, and if possible, hit a home run. He has to deliver the speech of his life - that is, a speech better than any he's given in the sixty years he's been breathing. Can he do it? We'll find out very soon, if not sooner.

LF: Thank you for your insights, Bill. I hope we can do this again at the Republican convention.

WS: Thank you. I look forward to it - in fact, that's something I'm looking forward to.

More From Boston

Very exciting times. I've just spent a long day chasing Teresa Heinz Kerry around town, hoping she'd tell me to "shove it". I guess I just wasn't annoying enough. Well, Mrs. Kerry, even if you don't become First Lady, we'll always have a court-mandated 30-mile radius.

The fun didn't end there. Tonight, I climbed down from the Lomblog skybox high above the Fleet Center to actually mingle with some delegates:




As you can see, this was during the keynote address by Illinois State Senator Barak Obama. What a talent. This guy has so much charisma, I can easily see him becoming the first black president impeached by vindictive Republicans. I was struck by one part of his speech, when, describing the way commentators divide the nation by its colors on the 2000 election map, he said, "We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States." I understand the point he's making but this could be a concern for the Kerry campaign, as Mr. Obama has just effectively "outed" millions of people in the critical battlegrounds of Arizona, Arkansas, Missouri and Ohio. I just hope none of their parents were watching at home, and as tonight's festivities weren't carried live by any of the networks, that seems a pretty safe assumption. I'm not gay but believe me, I know what it's like to receive a "concerned" phone call from the folks, ever since I was caught on-camera in a crowd shot at a Pet Shop Boys concert. Luckily, our society is much more tolerant now than it was in my days as a roadie for Dead Or Alive.

As I mentioned in my last post, this place is packed with big names. You could light this whole convention just off the starpower gathered in this hall tonight, and it still wouldn't be enough to capture all the sweat dripping off Ted Kennedy's neck. For instance, I saw CBS newsman Dan Rather earlier. He told me these delegates appeared "happier than a pig slopping mud on a rained-on barn post." I have no idea what that means but as Dan has been covering these things a lot longer than I have, I must yield to his wisdom.

Fox News is also covering the DNC. However, they've been criticized for not actually airing many of the major speeches. Instead, they've had their network anchors and political analysts bantering over the oratory. A Fox executive I spoke with anonymously at a Vietnamese massage parlor this afternoon told me his team is absolutely committed to presenting non-partisan coverage of the convention. He said Fox will be the first network to broadcast live if any of the Democrats on the speakers' platform are beheaded by terrorists.

There you have it: Lomblog gets results!

LF At The DNC!

Yes, my friends, I have arrived! I am blogging to you live from the Democratic National Convention in Boston. I tell you, I once thought seeing the American political process up-close would be a bit like glimpsing Christina Aguilera without the make-up, but truly, this ol' democracy of ours is a natural beauty. And it's not just the balloons and colorful hats that have me all keyed up; this hall is crawling with celebs! Visiting the men's room this morning, I could swear the guy passed out in the stall next to mine was none other than Dr. Hunter S. Thompson himself! I only wish I could've gotten his autograph before the medics arrived.

Of course, it's not just me feelin' the love tonight. This is one very upbeat collection of donkeys. The delegates here are so confident of victory this November that not even performances by Jon Bon Jovi or Whoopi Goldberg would dampen the enthusiasm. These party activists really believe that if they work hard, get the message out and file affidavits on behalf of all 3,916,207 Florida Democrats, they can win this election. Honestly, the whole thing has the feel of a giant televised group-hug, but with extra-tight security. I do have to question the choice of "Johnny B. Goode" as a theme song for the Democrats this year. Yes, I know the two guys on the ticket are both named John but it seems like some of the lyrics - "He never ever learned to read or write so well/But he could play guitar just like a ringing bell" - are more apropos to President Bush and his education policies.

So what's the schedule for this week? Well, this evening features speeches by former Vice President Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton in what the Dems are dubbing their "Tribute To Political Psychodrama" night. Then tomorrow, the keynote address by Illinois Senate candidate Barak Obama, who - if he's elected this fall - will be the first male African-American senator since either Reconstruction or Samuel L. Jackson in the last few Star Wars films.

Wednesday's a big night too, with the roll-call of the states and the official nominations for president and vice-president. Of course, it's a foregone conclusion that the candidates will be John Kerry and John Edwards, but there's still a chance that Fox News or the New York Post will call it for a Dennis Kucinich/John Hinkley, Jr. ticket. Then John Edwards addresses the delegates. He'll remind them of his humble background working in the textile mills with his father, his successful career as a trial attorney and the time he successfully sued his father for making him work in the textile mills.

Finally, the big night, when John Kerry himself accepts the nomination. Kerry advisors say they want to set a positive tone and keep Bush-bashing to a minimum. To that end, his speech will paint an optimistic vision of an America where children are better educated, health insurance is more affordable and Texas Air National Guard units aren't stocked with the n'eer-do-well sons of famous politicians.

Well, that's a look ahead...but for now, I've got some big-league political partying to do!

Interview With Tom Ridge

Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.



LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?

TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.

LF: And why is that?

TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.

LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?

TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.

LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?

TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.

LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?

TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.

LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?

TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.

LF: And a male delegate?

TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.

LF: What about the Republican convention?

TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.

LF: What about Election Day itself?

TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.

LF: What's that?

TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.

LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?

TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Ticket

It's official now: John Kerry has chosen John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I guess a lot of us saw this coming; the way they would giggle and pass notes to each other during the recent primary debates gave it all away. Our sources say the decision was finally sealed on Thursday, when Kerry appeared on the Senate floor and sent this word to Edwards through his aides: "John, would you like to be my vice president? If yes, fly to Boston on Sunday and raise thousands of dollars for me." Now, the die is cast, and the Democrats haven't seen this much excitement since the Clintons went to counseling.

But the drama kept us guessing right to the very end. When the Kerry campaign announced on Friday that it would reveal the VP choice through an e-mail, many of us hardened political scribes decided to camp out in front of the computer until we had a definitive answer. After several Pepsi-soaked hours, the message had still not arrived, but I pieced together all the available clues that had accumulated in my inbox overnight and made what turned out to be slightly erroneous call:



It just seemed to make too much sense. I read that Kerry had ordered up new decals in honor of his future running mate; what other selection could possibly inspire the normally stolid Massachusetts senator to experiment with body art? I was also aware the Kerry team made all applicants undergo a rigorous background check. What better contrast with the secretive Bush administration than to release the results in a streaming video available to anyone willing to share their credit card details? Certainly, "Dick" Cheney would never do that.

But the biggest clue? When I received an e-mail asking how much I would give for "a little something extra to make your woman happy", I just assumed the Kerry people had stumbled upon a whole new fundraising strategy, and who else could drive the point home with real credibility? My bad...next time, I am definitely going to check the headers. Anyway, at least I saw through all that Paris Hilton business; post 9-11, no way would Kerry pick a blonde.

Or maybe I was right all along. Perhaps Lee was the choice but he took offense at being part of a "short list." Or perhaps Kerry was afraid of being overshadowed. But that's water under the bridge. All I can say now is:

Kerry/Edwards '04/Edwards/Lee '12!

A Visit With The Lomblog Election Desk



A recent study of 18-to-35-year-olds that I personally know determined that the majority get their news and information from Lomblog. With that in mind, I felt now would be a good time to check in with the site's election desk, headed by our National Affairs editor William Sliender. William is a senior fellow of Self-Evident Political Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent study of the 2004 campaign, Too Close To Call: This Election Is Too Close To Call, appears in this month's Atlantic Monthly. He discussed his findings with me earlier this evening.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Thank you for joining us, William. So Bill, exactly how close is this election?

WILLIAM SLIENDER: This election is sooo close that if the election were held today, literally either candidate could win.

LF: And is that unusual?

WS: Yes. In most elections, only one candidate wins.

LF: And why is the race so close?

WS: Simply put, the country is very polarized. It's a fifty-fifty nation - half the electorate is Democratic, another half is Republican, and twenty percent is in the middle.

LF: Wait - that adds up to more than a hundred.

WS: That's how divided the country is - people can't even agree on basic math!

LF: And what do you think is responsible for this partisan divide?

WS: Political scientists have many theories, but I personally believe it's the legacy of the 1960s. Republicans tend to embrace the "Ozzie & Harriet" values of the 1950s, the Eisenhower era; Democrats, on the other hand, are much more comfortable with changes in contemporary social mores. For example, a recent Gallup poll determined that the majority of regular church-goers routinely vote Republican, whereas 61% of Democrats said they would only step into church if it was for a same-sex wedding.

LF: Uh...I find that a little hard to believe.

WS: Granted, that survey had a very small sample size, consisting mostly of people living in David Geffen's beachhouse, but the numbers don't lie.

LF: With such stark polarization, who will decide the election?

WS: The election will be decided by the undecided, ie. the people who are not presently decided.

LF: And which way are the undecideds leaning?

WS: The undecideds are currently split - get this - fifty-fifty between Kerry and Bush! It's amazing. We haven't seen a presidential election like this in at least four years.

LF: Analyze, if you will, the individual candidates one by one, beginning with the president. Where is he vulnerable?

WS: The president is vulnerable in essentially two areas: foreign affairs and the economy. Other than that, he has no significant liabilities.

LF: What about his overall approval ratings?

WS: Well, the president's approval rating is currently 46%. Now, historically, no president has been re-elected with a rating that low. On the other hand, a popular wartime president has never been defeated at the polls.

LF: I'm not sure I understand....if his ratings are low, how can be described as "popular"?

WS: Because it's a fifty-fifty nation! In the fifty-percent of the nation that's voting for Bush, he has a 96% approval rating! So you can see, the president is still very, very popular and will be difficult to beat. Unless he gets beat.

LF: And how about Senator Kerry? Where is he weak?

WS: I think it's commonly agreed that Kerry's greatest weakness is his stiff, somewhat formal presentation of himself in public. He's not loose and engaging like, say, Bill Clinton or Jack Black. I'm thinking of the time Senator Kerry appeared at a fundraiser with Nipsy Russell and tried to tell a dirty limerick: "There once was a man from Nantucket...who lost his health insurance when his job was exported to India." The crowd did not respond favorably.

LF: And where is he strong?

WS: His biggest strength is that he's not George W. Bush. In fact, fully 99% of Kerry voters are not voting for Bush.

LF: What about the other 1%?

WS: The other 1% is split between people who are undecided about who they're not voting for, and people who are not voting for Ralph Nader.

LF: Speaking of Nader, what kind of impact will he have this year? He ran as a Green last time, and many people say his candidacy cost Al Gore the election. What about this time?

WS: My calculations are that Nader will hurt John Kerry if he gets anywhere between 0% and 5% of the vote.

LF: 0%? So even if Nader gets no votes, he still hurts Kerry?

WS: Yes. If Nader gets between 1% and 5%, that means the Left is divided, and that could make all the difference in the critical swing states. On the other hand, if Nader gets no votes at all, that means the Left has been marginalized and Kerry is doomed.

LF: Gee...for Kerry, that almost sounds like a no-win situation.

WS: Yes, it is. Unless he wins.

LF: With all that as background, what do you think will decide the election?

WS: Well, I have no idea what will decide the election, as I wrote in my last column, No Idea What Will Decide The Election: I Have No Idea What Will Decide The Election. But there's one thing I know is going to be very critical, and that's GOTV.

LF: What's GOTV?

WS: GOTV stands for Get-Out-The-Vote. Come this fall, the parties will be working overtime to make sure their base constituencies - that is, the constituencies that form their base - turn out to vote in large numbers. For the Democrats, that means African-Americans and labor union members; for the Republicans, that means gun owners and religious conservatives; and for the Greens, it's people who sell patchouli oil on e-bay.

LF: And which group would you say is the most enthusiastic?

WS: It's early, but judging by their feedback comments, I'd say the patchouli oil salesmen are particularly enthusiastic.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, it's been my pleasure.

De-Linked

Oh, the troubles I gain for merely speaking my mind. Following my release last night, I learned that after some pressure, lots of cajoling and many outright lies, I had gained a much-coveted spot on the official John Kerry for president blogroll.



Although Senator Kerry was not my first choice for the Democratic nomination - I was California chair of Draft Margot Kidder - I was proud to support him for two reasons, really. One: he's the first candidate in years to openly acknowledge his French heritage. Second, as a senator, he did a very admirable job in exposing the links between the drug traffic and the CIA-backed Nicaraguan contras (I know of these links first-hand: Andy Gibb and I were badly gypped by a so-called "freedom fighter" in the bathroom of Studio 54, circa '81).

Unfortunately, the Kerry/Lomblog connection lasted just scant minutes before one of the Kerry "researchers" (read: brownshirts) crawled the web and found an old post of mine, The Pope Is A Deutschbag! In this post, which I've deleted from my archives so as not to cause further upset, I tried to methodically build a case for my point of view (though I must admit the accompanying illustration was in very poor taste). I also went to great pains to make clear that I did not believe that all popes were deutschbags, only the one who's in there now. Sadly, this was not enough for the Kerry-ites. I understand that the Senator is a politician - and a practicing Catholic - so there's a limit to how much controversy he's willing to have associated with his good name. Still, I can't say I'm not disappointed.

You see, I saw myself as a liason between the Democratic nominee and the emerging Net community of Francocentric starving artists who've been blogging for nearly three weeks. Also, I had many innovative ideas for improving the candidate's Web presence. Through the Lombaire Foundation, as well as e-mails I've forwarded to my parents, I've already raised potentially hundreds of dollars for the Kerry campaign. I was certain that I could elicit much more with a unique fundraising appeal that I personally drafted:

ATTN. SIR/MADAM

I AM SENATOR JOHN FORBES KERRY OF THE COMONWELTH OF MASSCHUSETTS, FORMERLY OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY IN VIETNAM. MY COUNTRY IS CURRENTLY UNDER THE DESPOTIC RULE OF A CORRUPT, HAEVILY ARMD JUNTA AND HAS BEEN SINCE DEC. 12, 2000 WHEN BLACK-ROBED THIEVES EXECUTED VICE PRES. ALBERT GORE IN THE DEAD OF NITE. THE PEOPLE IN POWR ARE RTHLESS. SINCE I FRST BECAME A CANDIDETE, THEY HAV SLANDERD MY MILITARY CAREER AND EVEN CLAIMD I HAD BOTOX INJECTINS!

PLEASE HELP. MY SITUTAION IS URGENT. JUST MONTHS AGO, I HAD TO SELL MY HOME TO PAY FOR BIO ADS IN THE EARLY PRIMARY STATES, AND MY WIFE HAS BEN REDUCED TO ERNING A LIVING THROUGH KETCHUP. IF I DO NOT WIN, I WILL HAVE TO RTURN TO THE SENATE, WHERE I WIL BE FORVER OVRSHADOWED BY SEN. KENNEDY. PLEASE GIVE MONEY! I HAVE JUST SIX MONTHS LEFT TO REVERS THE COUP! MAKE YUR TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONTRIBUTIONS IN AMOUNTS UP TO $2000. CHECKS AND ALL MAJR CREDT CARDS AR ACEPPTED. YUR REWARDS WILL BE MOR EDUCATION FUNDING, MIDDLE CLASS TAX CUTS AND GREATER UN INVOLVMENT IN IRAQ.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
JOHN KERRY - DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT