RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.