Breaking My Silence
If you've e-mailed recently, you probably know I've spent most of the past week in seclusion. And even after recovering my apartment keys, I remained in seclusion. You see, some vicious rumors about yours truly have been circulating across the Internet - charges so tawdry and sordid, even I wouldn't forward them. This has been an extremely painful time, not only for myself, but for all members of my family that still speak to me. So let me take this opportunity to once and for all clear the air.
The job of writing America's #4,323-rated public affairs blog on an almost weekly basis is a difficult one. In an effort to beef up my staff, I interviewed, via webcam, a few applicants for the position of Lomblog executive editor. During one of these conversations, I apparently left the cam on before I had completely changed out of my Spider Man pajamas. Because the camera was fuzzy and I happened to be eating a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the same time...well, evidently this constitutes sexual harrassment in certain jurisdictions. Needless to say, I am completely innocent of these vile accusations. I will continue to fight these smears for as long as it takes to clear my name, or until an incriminating screenshot has been posted or broadcast on a major network.
On advice from my attorney, I'm trying to remain mum on specifics. But let me state the following:
• I've never so much as passed a falafel stand, much less used one with impure intent
• If I ever sat on a battery-powered device, it was entirely by mistake
• I've never used my position to curry sexual favors. In fact, the thought never occurred to me until just now
Like any public figure, I am a target. Every week, but especially around the first of the month, I receive letters from people trying to extort money from me. This is the price I pay for speaking out. Luckily, I do have a very loyal fan base. I want to thank all of you for continuing to stand by me, especially those that bought my newest publication, Playa Out: LF's Handbook For Abstinent Teens. Your support has not just moved me, it's made me a better man.
Ok, enough said. Join us next week when Paris Hilton enters the No-Crap-Zone; I'll ask if her parents are happy they raised such a no-talent skank. See you then.
Anyone for some Greek?
Showing posts with label shameless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shameless. Show all posts
Friday, October 22, 2004
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Why I Won't Resign
CIA Director George Tenet, who was accused of misleading the president about Iraqi WMD, announced today that he is stepping down for "personal reasons" - presumably he wants to spend more time misleading his family. While we may never know the real reasons behind his departure (I'm hoping they're really sordid), I'd like to take this opportunity to address a controversy of my own that's arisen in the last few days.
Ever since I issued an apology for my writing during the runup to the Iraq war, people from all corners of the Net have written in to suggest that I relieve myself of my current capacity and perhaps turn the blog over to someone else (Message board regulars Anonymous and fbe have been mentioned, as has Sonia Gandhi). Still others have written advising that I accept a transfer of funds from Liberia or take penile enhancement medication. To these people, I can only say, "No", "No", and "No thank you, I'm happy with what the good Lord gave me." While I acknowledge that my conduct was reprehensible, I simply refuse to be a scapegoat for anyone, least of all myself. Let me explain why.
When did America stop being the land of second chances? Where is it written that everyone who makes a mistake in public view has to run away and hide forever, like Tonya Harding or that guy that streaked on the Oscars? There can be no doubt that I committed misdeeds. Yes, I engaged in exaggeration and hyperbole. Yes, I sold out my principles and acted with the most rank form of opportunism. Yes, I betrayed my friends and misled my readers. Yes, I am a disgrace to everyone who has ever believed in me or supported me along the way. Yes, I'd do it again if I thought I could get away with it. But the point is...I've grown. There has not been a major instance of me lying or making things up in the nearly six days since I first published that apology. Frankly, I'd put that record up against an untested newcomer any day of the week.
I know none of this will give my enemies the satisfaction they so desperately crave. They won't be happy until they've gotten their proverbial "pound of flesh." Well, chew on this, LF-haters: the only pound of flesh you're going to see is on my backside as I speed past you on the way to journalistic legendhood. Just be sure you have a glass of water handy to wash down all that dust you'll be eating.
Remorsefully,
LF
CIA Director George Tenet, who was accused of misleading the president about Iraqi WMD, announced today that he is stepping down for "personal reasons" - presumably he wants to spend more time misleading his family. While we may never know the real reasons behind his departure (I'm hoping they're really sordid), I'd like to take this opportunity to address a controversy of my own that's arisen in the last few days.
Ever since I issued an apology for my writing during the runup to the Iraq war, people from all corners of the Net have written in to suggest that I relieve myself of my current capacity and perhaps turn the blog over to someone else (Message board regulars Anonymous and fbe have been mentioned, as has Sonia Gandhi). Still others have written advising that I accept a transfer of funds from Liberia or take penile enhancement medication. To these people, I can only say, "No", "No", and "No thank you, I'm happy with what the good Lord gave me." While I acknowledge that my conduct was reprehensible, I simply refuse to be a scapegoat for anyone, least of all myself. Let me explain why.
When did America stop being the land of second chances? Where is it written that everyone who makes a mistake in public view has to run away and hide forever, like Tonya Harding or that guy that streaked on the Oscars? There can be no doubt that I committed misdeeds. Yes, I engaged in exaggeration and hyperbole. Yes, I sold out my principles and acted with the most rank form of opportunism. Yes, I betrayed my friends and misled my readers. Yes, I am a disgrace to everyone who has ever believed in me or supported me along the way. Yes, I'd do it again if I thought I could get away with it. But the point is...I've grown. There has not been a major instance of me lying or making things up in the nearly six days since I first published that apology. Frankly, I'd put that record up against an untested newcomer any day of the week.
I know none of this will give my enemies the satisfaction they so desperately crave. They won't be happy until they've gotten their proverbial "pound of flesh." Well, chew on this, LF-haters: the only pound of flesh you're going to see is on my backside as I speed past you on the way to journalistic legendhood. Just be sure you have a glass of water handy to wash down all that dust you'll be eating.
Remorsefully,
LF
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