Mo' Breakin': The One Foley-Related Webpage That Hasn't Been Scrubbed

Once news broke of Rep. Mark Foley (R-U Hard?) and his ongoing bout with Demon Lil' Johnny, many websites immediately purged all their glowing references and smilin' photos of the man who put the "member" in "former member of Congress". Even the NAMBLA site removed their 2003 citation of Foley as "Congressman of the Year". Because of this, the Google well of post-facto Foley weirdness is beginning to run dry. Forcing me to take a different route: Yahoo! Image Search

While doing some research for the last post, I stumbled across this page, which looks to be circa 1997-ish. It documents Congressman Foley's visit to a Florida middle school enrolled in NASA's now-defunct Virtual Science Mentor Program.



As you can see, not only are there shots of Alias "Maf54" sitting with students and gazing (wistfully?) at a computer screen, but there's some very entertaining text as well:

Our school year started with a flair and ended that way, too. On May 27th, we were fortunate to have Congressman Mark Foley visit as we were videoconferencing with our mentor, Mike Generale. [Editor: I believe this is called "camming" now] Just as Mike recommended that students should write their congressman, in walked Congressman Foley! [With ice cream!] Students were able to learn about the interaction between government and science.[Insert your own "Foley plays Mr. Wizard" joke here]

To close our class, Congressman Foley described life as a United States Congress member. We learned about his recent visit with President Clinton and ride on Air Force One. By the way, Congressman Foley does an excellent impression of President Clinton!

Oh boy.

Now the Republicans have an angle: it was all a Fred Travalina-esque comedy routine! Inspired by...a Democrat!!!

FOLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to imagine President Bill Clinton if he were into young boys.

I think it might go something like this.....(turns around)

When he's out of rehab, you just know he'll knock 'em dead in Branson.

Breaking: Mark Foley Comes Out!

At an afternoon press conference jam-packed with reporters and excuses, the lawyer for ex-Congressman Mark Foley (R-Horny) dropped this unexpected bombshell:

Mark Foley wants you to know that he is a gay man.

OMG!

Mark Foley is gay!?!?



You mean....

this Mark Foley?



This guy?



Maybe my gaydar is busted from all these years in Hollywood but I never would've guessed it.



Whoa...whoa...gimme a minute. So many shocks these last few days...it's a little hard to process it all.

Next, someone's going to suggest the congressman took some kind of undue interest in being around young men.



Lord protect this child...from future revelations.

When Foley Met O'Reilly

Q. What's red, white & blue and clammy all over?

A. Mark Foley and Bill O'Reilly in a two-shot.

Yes, hard to believe, but not so long ago, Congressman Foley appeared on The O'Reilly Factor to discuss his crusade to build a national sex-offender registry list as comprehensive as his collection of teenage contact details.

Courtesy Wonkette, it's a visit to the No-Sense-Of-Irony Zone:



You know, that was only May but I feel safer already.

As much attention as the Foley story has attracted so far, there are still many angles yet to be explored. With that in mind, I'd like to present the following reconstruction of what might have happened after Mr. O'Reilly invited Rep. Foley to appear on his show that night.

Note: all the dialogue included in this exchange is based on actual conversations that have been publicly documented.

Foley: i am in pensecola...had to catch a plane

O'Reilly: Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think I'd do...

Foley: I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you

O'Reilly: Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around...

Foley: now in my hotel room

O'Reilly: yeah we'd check into the room, and we would order up room service and uh and you'd definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get 'em into you...

Foley: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beautiful

O'Reilly: You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back...

Foley: love details

O'Reilly: rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water...and um...

Foley: i like steamroom

O'Reilly: you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda' put my arm - it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it...

Foley: well dont ruin my mental picture

O'Reilly: I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I'll appreciate it. I mean it.

See you on The Factor, Congressman.

Foley: Looking forward to it.

Ok, I admit it: I took some liberties and made up the last two sentences. But it sounds pretty real, doesn't it?

Congressman Mark Foley's Virtual Townhall Meeting

Yesterday, Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley was forced to resign after revelations that he had sent sexually explicit instant messages to underage male congressional pages. For many in Foley's district, this news was quite shocking. But constituents who attended Foley's online "town meeting" back in June were perhaps less surprised...

Maf54: hi im congressman Mark Foley and welcome to my first live chat!

my apologies for the delay in getting started...i just rode 25-miles on my bike so im all hot and sweaty...but totally pumped about answering your questions!

lets get to it!

Marsha: Hi, Congressman Foley.

Maf54: hi marsha!

Marsha: I have a question about education. As the mother of twins who just completed their first year in high school, school funding is a big concern of mine.

Maf54: m or f?

Marsha: Huh?

Maf54: sorry...are your twins male or female?

Marsha: Oh. Not quite sure why it matters, but they're both girls.

Maf54: well marsha...im not on any of the education committees this year...but if you like...you could send your question to my staff and they might get back to you later...ok?

Marsha: Ok.

Maf54: thanks!

Peter: Hi, Congressman.

Maf54: hi peter!

Peter: Given the last response, I don't know if you can answer this, but I have a question about student loans.

Maf54: go ahead!

Peter: I've been thinking about applying for college aid next year.

Maf54: cool...how old are you now?

Peter: I'll be 18 in December.

Maf54: wow...from the tone of your question you sound much older...

Peter: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Maf54: what do you want for your birthday? what kind of stuff do you like to do?

Peter: ????

Maf54: ok...student loans is a very complex issue...but if you want... there are some documents i could send from my computer...do you have AIM?

Peter: Uh, Congressman, I really need to get back to studying. Thanks.

Maf54: but its summer break!

ok,,,,who else has a question?

Denise: Hello Mark!

Maf54: hi denise...are you the denise i think you are?

Denise: Sure am. I do have a question, but first I want to brag on you a bit!

Maf54: im blushing already!

Denise: Whenever someone says to me there are no decent people left in Congress, I always say, "You haven't met Mark Foley." He is what some of my Jewish friends here in South Florida call a mensch. When my son had a big soccer game, Congressman Foley was there. When my other son was competing in a wrestling championship, the congressman dropped everything he was doing and flew back to the district. When my daughter came back from serving in Iraq, Mark couldn't be there - both his grandmas were having surgery - but he sent a very nice note! That's just the kind of man he is.

I tell you, sometimes I think we don't need to re-elect Mark Foley, we need to clone him.

Maf54: haha now i have to rethink my stance on cloning! but trust me...theres more than enough of me to go around!

seriously,,,denise...i have a big night ahead of me...whats your question?

Denise: More a statement than a question: I've been having a lot of trouble with e-mails to your website. I wrote you from my personal address a bunch of times last year and it took me forever to get anything back. But when I sent an e-mail from my son's account, I got a response within an hour, asking for photos and if I wanted tickets to see Good Charlotte.

Maf54: oh...sorry about that...

Denise: I'm just hoping your webmaster isn't a Democrat or somebody trying to embarrass you.

Maf54: dont worry about it,,denise...that person has been disciplined very severely...and thank you for those pictures you sent

Denise: Anytime! Did you like my haircut?

Maf54: of course...i love the new pageboy!

Peter: Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

Maf54: peter...your back! you have a question about health care?