Happy Handover!

Sometimes the anticipation of sovereignty is greater than sovereignty itself but I can't help but feel that even the most hardened of Iraqi bah-humbuggers were delighted by yesterday morning's surprise handover. Is there anything better than getting to open your presents two whole days in advance??! I don't think so. And just like on X-Mas, Santa - or in this case, Paul Bremer - flew under the radar and skipped out of town before the elves could stage another insurgency. I'm also glad to see George W. Bush playing to his strengths for once. Whatever else you say about him, he certainly knows how to seize power.

And what a thoughtful gift this was too. Sure, the Iraqis may have asked for something else, like food or electricity, but I have a feeling they're really going to appreciate this one day. I don't believe we're gonna come back to the neighborhood in a few years only to find that shiny new interim government we personally selected is lying in the middle of the street with a couple of pieces missing...ok, that's really where the Christmas analogies should end, I think.

For those of you critics that think my attitude toward the Iraqis is a bit condescending, I suppose you're going to say this souvenir t-shirt I've created is condescending too:



Oh, who's an adorable experiment in Middle-Eastern self-rule? You are! You are! Oh yes, you are!

Of course, this is only the first step. We won't really know that a new way of life has taken hold in Iraq until the torture chambers and labor camps are shut down and reopened under the name "Wal-Mart."

LF Returns

Greetings! Yes, I am back - tan, rested and ready to reclaim my spot in the Blogger hierarchy. But first I want to thank the people who guest-blogged while I was away: Ganesh Parthak, Frank Jacks(RIP), and Týler Wye. You all did a terrific job. And judging from the mail, you have a lot of fans out there, even among those who wrote that the site without me was "just a shadow." It's nice to know that if I decided to take another long vacation - say, in late July and again in early September - the blog would still function adequately, if not spectacularly. It bodes well for the future of both Lomblog and my backhand.

Before I departed, I made casual reference to an article I was working on that promised to "blow the lid off" the Bush Administration and sundry other national institutions. Since then, for the first time in my career, I've received countless threats of bodily harm from people I'm not personally acquainted with. Clearly, some of the higher-ups are a little antsy about the truth being revealed by someone who can't be discredited as a left-wing loon or fat. They want to keep the country in the dark while their big, rich "oil baron" friends plunder us dry, twirl their handlebar mustaches and chew on comically oversize cigars. I, for one, am not going to sit back and let it happen. I won't be intimidated by the malignant forces that form the so-called "powers that be." That's why I'm soliciting funds for another trip - this time to the Virgin Islands - in hopes of uncovering more dark secrets that will stun any American who doesn't read much. Follow this link for instructions on how to contribute.

Meanwhile, I will continue to provide my readers with my patented brand of film criticism-cum-social comment. In fact, very soon, I will examine claims of inaccuracy and politically-motivated hyperbole in this weekend's most talked-about new release...White Chicks.



It's great to be back!

On The Beat

With today's special guest blogger, Gathering Moss music editor Týler Wye

In the immortal words of Spinal Tap, "Hello Cleveland!" - and Lomblog readers. What a thrill to promote the magazine in this exciting new interactive forum. You may know me from my frequent appearances on VH-1's I Love The '80s, I Love The '90s and the upcoming I Love The '00s, Except for 9-11-01, Which Was Really Sad. I've also written a no-holds-barred, unauthorized exposé of Eminem that will be published shortly, pending approval by Em and his attorneys. But what I'm really excited about is Gathering Moss.

Those of you who haven't read GM yet should know we're a different kind of rock magazine. While other music publications like to focus on youth culture, the Moss highlights the best of rock's past, present and future. In the first five issues alone, we've broken the news of Buddy Holly's plane crash, Jim Morrison's arrest for public indecency and this crazy "punk" thing that's just starting up in England. Each issue is like stepping into a rock 'n' roll time machine and pushing the wayback button to where you once belonged. Check out the exciting pieces we've lined up for this month's issue: "The Secret Story of Kurt Cobain's Greatest Unreleased Unrecorded Unwritten Song", "Exile On Main Street: A Track-By-Track Analysis", "Keith Richards' Arm: A Track-By-Track Analysis" and "Pete Townsend: Hope I Die Before They Subpoena My Credit Card Records." And if you subscribe, every issue will arrive with a free compact disc containing songs specially selected by the editors, like "Stairway To Heaven", "Hotel California", "Free Bird" and tons other rare tracks you won't find anywhere else in your mailbox.

I wish I had time to contribute more, but I have to file a report on Monterey Pop - this Janis Joplin is rockin' the hizzouse!

Peace,
TW

In Memoriam

On Monday Lomblog introduced you to the comedy stylings of Frank Jacks, an innovative stand-up who has been favorably compared to both Lenny Bruce and Bruce Vilanch. Sadly, those visiting the site since then were logging on to what was ultimately one of Jacks' last performances.

Last night, Frank appeared at Chuckleni's, a New Jersey nightclub believed to be one of the last significant outposts of Mob influence in the Northeast. In a blistering 3-hour set, Frank discussed possible Mafia involvement in the Kennedy assassination, the Hoffa disappearance and the axing of John Stevens from "American Idol." After the show, according to witnesses, he was met in the parking lot by three unidentified men in dark clothing clutching lead instruments. The exact circumstances of his murder/suicide are still murky, but his last words are believed to have been, "Who's about to kill me - Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano's car pool?"

Frank Jacks, comic genius - now he belongs to the ages.

The search for guest bloggers continues...

S.O.
Assistant to Mr. Fan

On The Edge

With today's special guest blogger, outlaw comic Frank Jacks

Hey. Nice site. But who picked this template - Dick Speck's art teacher? Heh heh. No, I'm kidding. Great little blog here. Let's just hope John Ashcroft doesn't find out about it.

So how is everyone tonight? Oh, that's right - you can't respond. Well, I've had worse crowds. In Smyrna, Georgia for instance. Talk about bad crowds. I looked out at a sea of mullets and said, Who books this place - Jack Ruby's personal trainer? Heh heh. Can you believe that no one got that? I'm just lucky I got out of there without being lynched.

Watch CNN a lot when I'm on the road. Pretty depressing. So much happening, what with the war and the soldiers and Al Queda, and Bush not being able to pronounce things. I look at it all and I sometimes think there's an invisible man at the end of the galaxy writing a script that all of us are following unconsciously. And I just throw up my hands and say, Who came up with this s***? - Genghis Khan's yoga instructor? Whoever that invisible man is, I just hope he isn't hired out by Microsoft and the KKK.

Relationships are trouble too. Dated a Vietnamese girl recently. Bit difficult, because of the language barrier. First time I saw her apartment, I said, Who picked these curtains - Chiang Kai Chek's home ec teacher? She just kind of stared at me blankly and asked to be returned to her family. Oh well. I just hope I don't get reported to Amnesty International.

Thanks a lot. You've been a great reader. Enjoy the rest of the blog and watch out for stray bullets from the grassy knoll.

F. Jacks

Bollywood Lives

By today's special guest blogger, Hooray For Bollywood gossip columnist Ganesh Parthak



Greetings! Today's edition of Hooray For Bollywood is brought to you by New India Air. New India Air - where everyone flies first caste.

So what's buzzin' in Bollywood this week? Besides our nuclear reactors, the story generating the most heat is the marriage of actress/singer/superstar Janaknandini Novandi ("J-No") to Hindu music hearthrob Tushar Shamir. You know, Janaknandini has been married so many times now, she might as well travel with a sacred fire. But seriously, who can blame her for giving the holy union another shot? Her first marriage was arranged, and ended when her beloved "found the spirit" in a yak; her second spoilt by the pressures of sudden fame, like so many relationships where the wife earns greater karma than the husband. So let's just hope this marriage of two multi-talented Brahmins is the one that lasts several lifetimes. While the happy couple honeymoons in the Himalayas, HFB says, Don't do anything I wouldn't do - and if you do, name it after the Great God of Righteous Devotion!

Tongues are also wagging over the news that Mohan Bhatti, handsome star of the popular soap The Bold and the Heretical, has just outed himself as an untouchable. Of course, rumours to this effect have been circulating for years. But most Bolly journalists were respectful enough not to trawl through trash in the Mohan family village. Mohan himself says he didn't make this announcement to head off the tabloids but to be an example for other untouchables in the entertainment industry. Bhatti also states that he is not looking to exploit this area of his private life. "I don't want to be thought of as an 'untouchable actor' but as an actor who happens to be untouchable," Mohan tells The Daily Vishnu. For all the controversy, make no mistake: Mohan Bhatti is still one of the most eligible bachelors in Bollywood, if you're willing to be disowned by your family.

Quick Cuts: Everyone's favorite funnymen, Bhagwan Ghosh and Omar Debnath, have reunited for another buddy comedy. This time they go undercover at a Calcutta leper colony in All Hands Off Daki...Who was that mystery man with Lakshmi Guta last night at the opening of the Bengali House of Bliss? As they say, that was no man, that was a eunich! Yes, Lakshmi is a big advocate of eunich pride and often hits the club scene with a hijra friend or two. Lakshmi may love the night life but she certainly hasn't given up her day job: her new album is now complete and is said to be heavily informed by Guta's studies of Western mysticism (can you believe she's read the Left Behind series twice?!)...The most highly-anticipated documentary of the year is hitting theaters soon. It looks at the human impact of "insourcing", ie. shifting business from a part of India where labor is cheap to a part where it is even cheaper. Entitled Rajiv And Me, the film by first-time director Mihir More is garnering raves from critics everywhere, though representatives of the Indian auto industry are saying it plays fast and loose with the satyam...

I want to conclude today's column with a special plea to the writers, directors and producers of Bollywood. In a time when negative consciousness seems to be suffusing the globe, is it not the responsibility of the artistic community in India to set forth a more positive vision? To that end, I feel it is time to dispense with the insulting stereotypes of Westerners predominant in so much of Indian mass media. In particular, the depiction of North Americans as greedy socially inept merchants who come to our country only to gawk at our women and exploit our youth has got to end. Aren't immigrants to India entitled to learn a living too, as long as they obey our laws and don't disrupt the chakra? Remember, the one you find beneath you today may well be above you on the sacred ladder of tomorrow. As Mohatmas Costello once sang, What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding That All Life Is Transitory?

From Bollywood with Baba Ganoush wishes and curry dreams,

GP

Checking In

Hey there - LF hitting the tarmac at last! I haven't had a flight that long since I took in a Dead show in '69 and ate the brown fromage. Anyway, I did keep up with the news whilst in orbit - evidently Clinton slept on the couch after the Lewinsky affair? Funny, so did I, but only after attempting to use The Starr Report as foreplay. I'm just glad that dark time is over now, and children only have to hear about oral sex on the news when Iraqis are forced to simulate it.

On that note - happy Father's day!

(Guest blogging will begin shortly)

Much More To Come

Hey there, gang. LF here, posting from 5,000 feet over the Antarctic. Don't worry, I'm not turning into some kind of virtual David Blaine - it's part of an assignment I'm working on. A story that, if it's published and I receive a respectable fee, will blow the lid off the Bush administration, OPEC, the National Park Service, professional wrestling, and also explain why last season's episodes of The Sopranos sucked. If I don't post here for a while, it'll be because I've been murdered by the CIA. If I do post...well, that'll just show you how ineffectual our intelligence agencies have become.

You may have noticed that the pace has slackened off a bit here on Lomblog lately, from our April-May "hot streak" of typically one-post-a-day to a more miserly one-post-every-other-day. This is not, as some have charged, because I've recently rediscovered Tetris. It's because I've been working overtime on this story, which will almost certainly shift the tectonic plates under Washington and the Teutonic plates on the chests of zaftig female opera singers. Be prepared to have your mind blown. Some of the information I've collected is so hot, I'm not even sure I can verify it.

But don't expect the site to go dormant while I'm away. Until I return - if I return - a rotating group of guest bloggers will fill in for me. Yes, yes, I know, this is exactly how Jay Leno got started. I promise you this will work out much better. I'm a young man, so the time when I retire is still at least eight years in the future.

Anyway, these posters will be guests on my site, so don't treat them rudely. Treat them as you would any other blogger who is obviously my lesser but still worthy the respect accorded a fellow human.

Keep me in your thoughts and Favorites folder,

LF

Introducing Lomblog Entrées™

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but the site continues to grow by leaps and bounds. Normally, that would be the setup for another fund-raising appeal, and in a way it is - but then, what isn't? No, my real point is, we are continuing to gain popularity. Yesterday, for some reason, we received the highest traffic in the site's over two-month (and they said it wouldn't last!) history. Of course, more important than the number of visitors is the demographics we're attracting. According to yet-to-be-released figures from a yet-to-be-named ratings organization, Lomblog is now ranked #399 among blog readers aged 18 - 24 who've attended at least one semester of junior college, and #277 among 28 - 34-year-old stay-at-home moms considering an adjustment to their Security Zone settings. Yes, that's right - we're kicking the crap out of sticks and strings: a knitting blog in its own backyard!

With all of this excitement, I thought now would be a good time to introduce my new readers to the old Lomblog, or as some of the die-hards would put it "the real Lomblog, before it sold out and went corporate." On the sidebar, you'll notice a new feature called Lomblog Entrées™. These are direct links to highlights from our first two months of posting. No longer will you have to scroll through pages and pages of the meaningless filler that make up the backbone of my work to find the buried treasures within. Think of it as a TiVo playback of Lomblog's greatest moments or a Now That's What I Call Lomblog Volume 1.

Enjoy. And for the old fans who are introducing a Lomblog classic to your friends - no spoilers!

Classics On DVD

LF here, just back from two days at the annual Blogger Conference On Promoting Teen Abstinence. You know, some people attend these events to garner publicity, but I do it purely for the love of teens refraining from sex. The conference was a real eye-opener; you'd be surprised at the number of well-known bloggers that were and are abstinent. By the way, if you're an abstinent teen and you blog, a "Free Links for the Fornication-Free" certificate should be arriving in your inbox any minute now, courtesy Ben Shapiro.

Of course, when I'm on the road, I occasionally get bored and when I'm bored, I like to check out a movie or two. But unfortunately, most of today's films just leave me cold. They tend to be overloaded with sex and violence, and without the obscure symbolism that would make it all worthwhile. Luckily, some non-Lombaire classics have made their way to DVD and make great rentals for those idle moments:

Gone With The Wind

This Civil War epic, filmed in glorious Technicolor, is undoubtably one of the unparalleled classics of American cinema. The performances and characterizations are far better than any reenactment I've ever seen, or for that matter, anything recorded by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Everyone involved is at the top of their game, from the art directors (wow, imagine having to handpaint all those reels of footage) to the first black Oscar winner, Hattie McDaniel (eat your heart out, Holly Berry!).

If this set has a flaw, it's the lack of extras. I mean, no director audio track? At least Gable or Leigh or Olivia de Havilland could've sat down and chatted a bit with Leonard Maltin or some equally respected Hollywood historian. Are their schedules too busy for that? I'm sorry, French subtitles, as much I enjoy them, just aren't enough. [EDIT: Oops - talk about timeless. This film is apparently much older than I initially thought]

Still, this remains the quintessential "chick flick" for any woman who's dreamed of romance with a dashing soldier fighting to uphold Negro subjugation.

The Wizard of Oz

This is a classic that has just recently turned up on DVD. Of course, everyone is familiar with this film from the frequent TV broadcasts, but recently, there has been renewed interest because of an unusual ritual popular with fans of Pink Floyd. Supposedly if you watch the movie while listening to the Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album, the music actually synchs up with the action on screen. Now I don't have any Pink Floyd; they were a little bit before my time. But I did try this experiment with the The Fabulous Peggy Lee and the results were inconclusive. Oh well...my acid days are long over anyway.

Even without rock background, this is still a startling piece of work. Judy Garland performs beautifully as the lonely young Dorothy who, because of a freak tornado, finds herself a very long way from her home in Kansas and devoted gay following. Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr and Jack Haley are all equally brilliant as the three adult males who find what's missing from their lives while accompanying a pubescent girl through the woods. And of course, who could overlook the Munchkins? - or as they'd no doubt be known in today's PC climate, the "little squeaky people." I know "there's no place like home" but Oz was such a wonderful place, I couldn't bear the thought of not returning. I don't have cable so I haven't seen any of episodes yet but I'm glad I ordered copies of the HBO
TV series and sent a few on to my nieces and nephews as well.

Triumph Of The Will

This movie is a little more controversial than the other two. Directed by Leni Riefenstahl, this is a cinematic document of the 1934 rally at Nuremburg. Everyone who reviews the film says that, all politics aside, the artistry is breathtaking. And I agree: if you buy one piece of Nazi propaganda in your lifetime, you should definitely make it Triumph. But if you can, watch it on a double bill with Schindler's List or The Pianist so you know you're getting both sides of the story.

Though this is obviously very old footage, the DVD transfer of both the audio and visuals is astonishing in its clarity. In fact, it was so vivid, when the pizza man knocked on my door during the opening credits, I nearly hid in the basement.

Again, there's no denying the technical brilliance of this film, but a movie designed to promote the Hitler agenda will never get the gold star of excellence from me.

Happy viewing!

Berko-blog

The list of notables scrambling to jump on the blog bandwagon is growing almost daily. Alongside has-beens like Margaret Cho and Andy Kaufman is none other than David Berkowitz aka the Son of Sam killer. His site is apparently hosted by the House Upon the Rock Christian Church in San Diego. But if Berkowitz has indeed converted to Christianity, he has by no means given up on a life of crime: most of his blog is pure thievery!

For those that, understandably, refuse to click the link, let me offer one example from the Berko-blog's sidebar:



What's that? A web poll? And uh, who's been running web polls on his site for more than a month now? Hint: look a little to your right.

The virtual stickup-job doesn't end there. Check out his sign-off on this post about gay marriage:

God washed away their sins. He then called each of them to be His children. And He justified every last one of them, just as if they'd never sinned (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

God is doing the exact same things today.

D.B.

D.B.? Ahem, isn't there another popular blogger out there that tends to refer to himself by his initials? Mr. Berkowitz, you're lucky you're already in prison for killing all those people in the Seventies, or I'd make sure you headed straight to lockup for swiping intellectual property.

Let's try, as hard as it may be, to look past these obvious appropriations and examine the substance of Berkowitz's writing. Take this excerpt from a post on gangs:

As an "oldtimer" in prison, it is very sad when I see young men in their late teens or early twenties coming into the system, especially when they have long sentences that stretch across decades.

I think the gang scene is all fake. It's a big lie. These guys kill each other over meaningless territories, over gang colors, or for some other ridiculous reasons.

Ah yes. I agree completely. The only legitimate reason to kill anyone is because you're receiving Satanic messages from your neighbor's dog.

Berkowitz is obviously a man who has a little trouble adjusting to the modern world, or at least what he sees of it:

So this evening I went outside again even though it was very cold. Winter has not left the foothills of the Catskill Mountains.

But going outdoors was for me another time to walk and pray and collect my thoughts. I felt that, earlier, I was going to lose my mind with all the yelling and the continuous blasting of "Hip-Hop" music.

By now, it's obvious what the former NYC bad boy's intentions are: he's clearly angling for the "cranky old coot" slot on 60 Minutes for when Andy Rooney meets the big ticker in the sky. Good luck with that, but somehow I don't think "A Few Minutes With David Berkowitz" is going to fly.

Of course, it's easy to take potshots at the Son of Sam killer. But as I found out earlier this year, blogging from prison is never easy. Were it not for my longstanding ties with the Nation of Islam, I doubt my laptop would've survived the weight room. Let's just hope that Berkowitz is given the space to finally find his own voice.

L.F.

Angry E-Mails

My piece on the death of President Reagan has unleashed a torrent of angry e-mails like nothing I've written since the time I posted the home address of my ex-girlfriend. While it would strain bandwidth capacity to reproduce all of these outraged messages here, the gist of most is that I failed to show the proper decorum during this period of national mourning. Several contrasted the tone of my comments this week with a post I composed upon the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, in which I stated that I could "hardly write through the tears", or last year's essay on the passing of Idi Amin, "Farewell To The Cannibalistic Dictator That Stole Our Hearts." Since I welcome and treasure reader correspondence, I thought it would only be fair to publish and respond to a few of the more articulate complaints.

Dear Lombaire Fan - if that IS your real name,

You have a lot of nerve complaining about the overcoverage of President Reagan's funeral procession. I suppose you liked it better when all the networks were covering was the gay weddings in San Francisco or Boston. People like you aren't even worthy of the freedoms President Reagan staged elaborate photo ops to defend.

P.S. Your Fat Albert interview was a masterwork.

Paul McIntosh, Nevada

Paul,

I don't recall saying that the media was covering the Reagan death too much. Certainly, the death of any former national leader, no matter how anticipated, is major news. But is it a bigger story than further revelations in the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal? Or Labour party election losses? Or J-Lo's wedding? I think not.

Thanks for your compliments on the FA story.

Dear Lomblog - if that IS the real name of your blog,

I don't even know why I came to this stupid site - oh yes, I was looking for Elisha Cuthbert fakes. Regardless, I know I'll never come back here again. You disgrace the whole Internet with your blasphemous slander about the Reagan years. Did you know there were over 20 million new jobs created during the 1980s? And these weren't the low-paying "McJobs" of the so-called "Clinton" so-called "economic" so-called "boom" - these were quality management positions at Foot Locker! And I speak from experience; I've been filling one of these slots for 19 years now. All thanks to President Reagan.

P.S. Your Michael Moore post may be the greatest thing ever written in the English language.

Ron Gilley, Houston

Ron,

I hope you didn't take away from my comments that I believe President Reagan didn't have many noteworthy accomplishments. I never said that. I only implied it.

Thank you for your kind words about the Moore piece.

Dear lombairefan@hotmail.com - if that IS your real e-mail address,

You people disgust me. Can't you let a man whose body is being squired across country in a five-day televised memorial service rest in peace? Can't you let politics drop long enough for us to mourn a great man, celebrate his presidency, and agree that we were right about everything all along? All that you and your ilk do and say is so vomit-making that it took all the strength in my body to save your post to hard drive and e-mail it to everyone in my address book.

P.S. Though you are scum, most of your site is extremely well-written and I have made a contribution.

Mike Kruthers, Georgia

I'm sorry, Mike, if that's the way you feel. I meant no disrespect to Mr. Reagan's memory, only to his life and legacy.

I appreciate your flattering remarks about the site and wow - $500!

The Reagan Memorial

Ronald Wilson Reagan, RIP. You may have noticed that I haven't discussed this on the blog yet. That's because I view this site largely as an opportunity for readers to, however fleetingly, escape the oppressive sadness of mortality and focus their gaze on the oppressive sadness of Internet writing. But this is a story simply too big to ignore. Clearly, President Reagan's passing is the most impactful celebrity death since Tony Randall. That itself is quite extraordinary considering that neither Death Valley Days nor the Iran-Contra hearings had anything like the syndication shelf life of The Odd Couple. I have to admit I was much more upset by Lombaire's death a few years ago, but then Reagan was ninety-two and at the end of a long illness, where Lombaire was a spry, youthful eighty-seven. I mean, who could see that coming?

Not surprisingly, the TV news networks have done the best job of covering this story, providing viewers with a nearly minute-by-minute reminder that Reagan was, in fact, president and is, in fact, dead. However, I can't help but think that if "the Gipper" were with us today, he would've switched over to Turner Classic Movies ages ago. That's the kind of bold decision-making he was known for.

So what is the Reagan legacy? Clearly, he defined the era in which he governed more than any other single individual, with the possible exceptions of Margaret Thatcher and Andrew McCarthy. He was known as "the Great Communicator", and using the "bully pulpit" (I realize that sounds obscene) was where he truly excelled. Reagan eliminated the fat and flab of previous presidential addresses with their empty blabber about "nothing to fear but fear itself" and "malice toward none, charity toward all." He replaced all that with simple kick-ass catchphrases that would define a generation: "There you go again", "Win one for the Gipper", "We begin bombing in five minutes", and most famously, "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, tear down that wall!" He dared us to believe in ourselves again and believe in our ability to do big things, and drive up big deficits doing them. It's for all these reasons that he'll always be remembered affectionately as "the white people's president."

The funeral on Friday will apparently be very VIP, so I won't be able to attend and provide my usual color commentary. But I do have sources within the Reagan camp and they tell me that none other than Elton John will be on hand to perform several of his old songs specially revised to fit the occasion. I'm sure everyone in DC will be rocking out - mournfully - when Elton performs classics like "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting The Soviets", "Don't Let The Sandinistas Go Down On Mesquite, Texas" and "Goodbye Yellow Brick Union Protections." I've even got an advance look at some lyrics Elton's pal Bernie Taupin has composed to honor the departed:

I packed my bags last night for Washington
Zero hour 1980
Inflation was high as a kite by then
Let's drill the Earth for oil, let's test Star Wars
Out in space
On such a pointless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till upper-bracket tax rates start to climb
And the middle class can buy a home
Oh no no no
I'm a Reaganite
Reaganite
Shooting out the social safety net

The excitement doesn't end there. After the funeral, the president's casket will be shot into space, where it will orbit as an experimental missile defense shield, protecting the Earth (or as it will be known in the coming years, "Reagan") from a nuclear attack by terrorists or rogue states. When the missiles are bounced back by Reagan 2's special deflector shield, they will hit crack houses throughout North America, insuring that generations to come will never have to say yes or no to drugs. No one knows if this is scientifically feasible but everyone agrees it's a fitting tribute.

A Cosby Kid Speaks Out

Recently, comedian/Jello pitchman Bill Cosby created controversy with some harsh remarks about the current state of the black community. Since the Cosby speech, commentators on all sides of the racial and political divide have spoken out to condemn or praise its message. But some of the voices most closely associated with Mr. Cosby in the past have not been heard from - until now.



Albert Michael Patterson, né "Fat Albert", is Distinguished Professor of Afro-Animated Cultural Studies at Harvard. He is also the best-selling author of the books Hey Hey Hey: Visions of Black America in Filmation Cartoons 1970 - 75, From the Junkyard to Harvard Yard: A Fat Life and The Revolution Will Not Be Pixilated. Public Enemy's Chuck D. has called Patterson "the baddest 2-D brother on the block", while fellow Harvardite Dr. Cornel West has termed him "the conscience of 'Toon America." My telephone conversation with Prof. Patterson took place, appropriately enough, last Saturday morning.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Thank you for speaking with me. I have to say, for our blog, you're quite a big catch...

PROFESSOR ALBERT: Big? Oh oh, I get it - because I'm heavy, right? That what you called about? Well, you seen Fred Flintstone lately? You could cut him in half and make two of me. Dude makes Rubble look like Whitney Houston. But I understand this white-male obsession with aesthetic superiority. It's mostly about insecurity and misplaced projection. You don't think Popeye would dump Olive Oil in a second if he could get his hands on some 'Tifah?!

LF: Well, I'm sorry if there was some misunderstanding, that's not really what I meant --

PA: Oh yeah yeah, that's not what you "meant." Just like Thomas Jefferson didn't "mean" it when he wrote "we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal." Well, Brother Fan, I know a lot about not being created equal. Back in the Seventies, I didn't have half the frame-to-frame freedom of movement of Archie and Jugghead or the Super Friends. You try living like that and then come tell black folk in the projects they aren't "holding up their end." A lot of times I didn't even have an end to hold up!

LF: You're obviously alluding to something that Mr. Cosby said in his speech. I take it you don't agree with his contention that lower-class African Americans are holding back progress for the whole community?

PA: I sure as hell don't agree and I've asked his management to remove my name from anything associated with Cosby.

LF: How is that possible? Didn't he more or less create you?

PA: Create me? I created him.

LF: How?

PA: Before he met me, he was nothing but a two-bit nightclub comic, not fit to shine Dick Gregory's shoes. He was doing his thing - the silly faces and the kiddie gibberish - for every bourgeois businessman in Vegas for a night on the town with a rented tux and a company-bought hotel ho on his arm. It wasn't until he came to Oakland and saw me and my gang operate that he really knew how to connect with shorties. We made him. If I had a nickel for every Pudding Pop he sold because people recognized his voice from my show...I could buy a lot more Pudding Pops.

LF: You sound a tad bitter.

PA: No, no, no - I'm not going to comform to anyone's stereotype of the angry black animation. And I've never blamed things on the white man, even when he canceled me to put on Richie Rich. I just resent it when people from our community step on our backs to get ahead and then criticize the people they leave behind. Cosby is completely out of touch. When do you think is the last time he's spoken to Russell? Or Mudfoot? Or Weird Harold?

LF: What about Mushmouth?

PA: Well, now, Mushmouth is a perfect example of where Cosby's completely off-base. You think Mush talked that way because he wanted to? The dude was slumming because that was the only way you could make a living back in the day. Off-screen, he was a very intelligent and super-talented. Hell, I saw him do Shakespeare in the Park, playing Hamlet in To Be-buh or Not To Be-buh. If he'd cleaned himself up and seen an orthodontist, he could've been another Morgan Freeman or Samuel L.

LF: Well, what happened to him?

PA: It's a sad story. He quit acting and started managing music acts. He was very successful until last year when Lil Bow Wow's parents found him going through Bow's garbage. I tried to tell them, "You dumb n***as, he grew up in a junkyard! He wasn't trying to steal your stuff - he was trying to go home again!" They wouldn't listen and Mush was fired. Luckily, I found a dumpster in Cambridge he could stay at for a few months.

And did "Dr" Cosby lift a finger to help? Of course not. He was probably running around jazz clubs with Hugh Hefner or accepting another honorary doctorate.

LF: Thank you for your time, Fa -- uh-- Mr. Patterson. You've offered an ample amount of insight.

PA: I appreciate the forum, Brother F. I hope I haven't sounded too angry here. I'm just very passionate about the struggle. Growing up, I knew I was starting with some disadvantages: I was black, I was poor, I was obese and I was a 'toon. But to paraphrase the Rev. Jackson, I may have been drawn in the ghetto but the ghetto wasn't drawn in me. That's the inspirational message our children need to hear, not some cranky old dude in a sweater.

Smarty Takes A Fall

Just when America needs all the heroes it can get, another sports icon has fallen from grace. Smarty Jones, who captured our hearts with his come-from-behind victories at the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, was upset today in the final stretch at Belmont. For those of us who've never followed horse racing before but were moved by the story of Smarty, this is understandably heartbreaking. For those of us that have never bet on a horse before, this is something a bit more than heartbreaking. When I watched Smarty fall behind this afternoon, I screamed so loud, I think even Seabiscuit himself might have heard me. But within the disappointment, there is a lesson for all who aspire to a quick run at the bigtime.



The life of a championship thoroughbred is often the very essence of the hoary old show-biz cliche "too much, too soon." One minute, you're grazing peacefully at your owner's estate; the next, you're being shuttled from derby to derby, bookies are screaming your name, the little girls want to draw you and the big girls want to ride you. It's heady stuff. Everyone from Man O'War to Seattle Slew has been down this road, and there isn't always a jockey talented enough to manage a happy trail out.

Even before today's flameout, there were omininous suggestions about Jones' future. An Equestrian Weekly article ("Is Smarty's Party About To Go Belly-Up?") drew spooky parallels between his behind-the-stirrups misadventures and those of the late Who drummer Keith Moon (both liked to snort hay and get hosed down after a lengthy performance). Within the racing community, said one off-the-record source, SJ was dubbed "a four-legged, flat-footed Kobe Bryant...whenever he's loping through town, I make sure to keep the barn doors closed at night." So when it was reported that two young fillies had left his stable at 2 o'clock in the morning, all of us should've been alarmed. We might wish for a world where the private lives of our racing idols were given less scrutiny, as they were in the days of Secretariat, but Smarty knew the stakes were high the minute he galloped into the limelight.

Anyway, congratulations to Birdstone, the real winner. Our hearts are broken but they will heal. And I'll find another way to pay off my student loans.

Why I Won't Resign

CIA Director George Tenet, who was accused of misleading the president about Iraqi WMD, announced today that he is stepping down for "personal reasons" - presumably he wants to spend more time misleading his family. While we may never know the real reasons behind his departure (I'm hoping they're really sordid), I'd like to take this opportunity to address a controversy of my own that's arisen in the last few days.

Ever since I issued an apology for my writing during the runup to the Iraq war, people from all corners of the Net have written in to suggest that I relieve myself of my current capacity and perhaps turn the blog over to someone else (Message board regulars Anonymous and fbe have been mentioned, as has Sonia Gandhi). Still others have written advising that I accept a transfer of funds from Liberia or take penile enhancement medication. To these people, I can only say, "No", "No", and "No thank you, I'm happy with what the good Lord gave me." While I acknowledge that my conduct was reprehensible, I simply refuse to be a scapegoat for anyone, least of all myself. Let me explain why.

When did America stop being the land of second chances? Where is it written that everyone who makes a mistake in public view has to run away and hide forever, like Tonya Harding or that guy that streaked on the Oscars? There can be no doubt that I committed misdeeds. Yes, I engaged in exaggeration and hyperbole. Yes, I sold out my principles and acted with the most rank form of opportunism. Yes, I betrayed my friends and misled my readers. Yes, I am a disgrace to everyone who has ever believed in me or supported me along the way. Yes, I'd do it again if I thought I could get away with it. But the point is...I've grown. There has not been a major instance of me lying or making things up in the nearly six days since I first published that apology. Frankly, I'd put that record up against an untested newcomer any day of the week.

I know none of this will give my enemies the satisfaction they so desperately crave. They won't be happy until they've gotten their proverbial "pound of flesh." Well, chew on this, LF-haters: the only pound of flesh you're going to see is on my backside as I speed past you on the way to journalistic legendhood. Just be sure you have a glass of water handy to wash down all that dust you'll be eating.

Remorsefully,

LF

Baby Jessica Graduates

This really brings the '80s memories flooding back, doesn't it? Jessica McClure, that adorable scamp that fell down a well seventeen years ago, has graduated from high school. I think everyone who was alive and not held hostage by Rick James that night can recall sitting on the edge of their seat, hoping that little Jessica could be rescued before the conclusion of Dallas. Now it's on to college, where she plans to become a Footnote in History Major. Nice to see a youngster who isn't spoiled by the enticements of early fame. Some old habits die hard though.



Actually, I'm kind of glad this happened. A lot of people like to party around graduation time, but it's definitely best to do your drinking after the ceremony. Anyway, best of luck to our favorite well baby. Now I'm going to put on a bolo tie, listen to some Huey Lewis and reminisce a little more.