The Reagan Memorial

Ronald Wilson Reagan, RIP. You may have noticed that I haven't discussed this on the blog yet. That's because I view this site largely as an opportunity for readers to, however fleetingly, escape the oppressive sadness of mortality and focus their gaze on the oppressive sadness of Internet writing. But this is a story simply too big to ignore. Clearly, President Reagan's passing is the most impactful celebrity death since Tony Randall. That itself is quite extraordinary considering that neither Death Valley Days nor the Iran-Contra hearings had anything like the syndication shelf life of The Odd Couple. I have to admit I was much more upset by Lombaire's death a few years ago, but then Reagan was ninety-two and at the end of a long illness, where Lombaire was a spry, youthful eighty-seven. I mean, who could see that coming?

Not surprisingly, the TV news networks have done the best job of covering this story, providing viewers with a nearly minute-by-minute reminder that Reagan was, in fact, president and is, in fact, dead. However, I can't help but think that if "the Gipper" were with us today, he would've switched over to Turner Classic Movies ages ago. That's the kind of bold decision-making he was known for.

So what is the Reagan legacy? Clearly, he defined the era in which he governed more than any other single individual, with the possible exceptions of Margaret Thatcher and Andrew McCarthy. He was known as "the Great Communicator", and using the "bully pulpit" (I realize that sounds obscene) was where he truly excelled. Reagan eliminated the fat and flab of previous presidential addresses with their empty blabber about "nothing to fear but fear itself" and "malice toward none, charity toward all." He replaced all that with simple kick-ass catchphrases that would define a generation: "There you go again", "Win one for the Gipper", "We begin bombing in five minutes", and most famously, "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto, tear down that wall!" He dared us to believe in ourselves again and believe in our ability to do big things, and drive up big deficits doing them. It's for all these reasons that he'll always be remembered affectionately as "the white people's president."

The funeral on Friday will apparently be very VIP, so I won't be able to attend and provide my usual color commentary. But I do have sources within the Reagan camp and they tell me that none other than Elton John will be on hand to perform several of his old songs specially revised to fit the occasion. I'm sure everyone in DC will be rocking out - mournfully - when Elton performs classics like "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting The Soviets", "Don't Let The Sandinistas Go Down On Mesquite, Texas" and "Goodbye Yellow Brick Union Protections." I've even got an advance look at some lyrics Elton's pal Bernie Taupin has composed to honor the departed:

I packed my bags last night for Washington
Zero hour 1980
Inflation was high as a kite by then
Let's drill the Earth for oil, let's test Star Wars
Out in space
On such a pointless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till upper-bracket tax rates start to climb
And the middle class can buy a home
Oh no no no
I'm a Reaganite
Reaganite
Shooting out the social safety net

The excitement doesn't end there. After the funeral, the president's casket will be shot into space, where it will orbit as an experimental missile defense shield, protecting the Earth (or as it will be known in the coming years, "Reagan") from a nuclear attack by terrorists or rogue states. When the missiles are bounced back by Reagan 2's special deflector shield, they will hit crack houses throughout North America, insuring that generations to come will never have to say yes or no to drugs. No one knows if this is scientifically feasible but everyone agrees it's a fitting tribute.