LF At The RNC

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging. I was hoping to file one more report from Greece this weekend, but unfortunately had to make a quick exit. It's a long story, but suffice to say, if Michael Phelps really values his gold, he definitely shouldn't leave it unguarded outside a men's room stall.

Of course, covering the RNC has not been without difficulties either. In order to gain access to Madison Square Garden, I had to make a few minor adjustments to the t-shirt I was wearing:




So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger. The demonstrations have been peaceful up to this point, but there's still the potential for disruption. When the Bush party arrives in NYC, the president is likely to be greeted by thousands chanting slogans like "Baby killers go home!" - and for once, they're not his supporters.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Anyway, the major speeches have begun. John McCain took a swipe at Michael Moore - who knew the Republicans had a documentary in contention at Cannes? Rudolph Guiliani just said "you're either with us or you're with the terrorists". Ooh boy...I better check my credentials!

A Grand Old Partier,

LF

Still Greek To Me

If there's one thing I've loved about Athens, it's knowing that a little piece of history is around every corner. Truly, it's like visiting Neverland Ranch before the cops arrive. This year's Olympics represent something of a homecoming for the games, as this is really where it all started, in ancient Greece BC (Before Costas). Unfortunately, there is no filmed record of the Olympics for this period, and even if there were, NBC would own exclusive rights to broadcast the highlights from 1:00 - 4:00 am. So the only way to snatch a glimpse of ceremonies past is through the extensive collection of ancient Greek artifacts collected in museums around the globe.

These relics - wall paintings, plates, vases, dusty gift-shop trinkets - offer a fascinating peak into antiquity. They also beg the question: are today's Olympics really that different from the games of yore?

For instance, corporate sponsorship of athletes and sporting events has been a frequent target of the civic-minded in modern times but even in the idealistic Greek republic of old, a strong touch of commercialism crept in:




Happily, in 40 AD, the barbaric practice of branding star equestrians with company logos was ended by the Roman Emperor Caligula, who termed it "no way to treat a lady."

Drug scandals have also marred many an Olympic outing in recent years, but they are nothing new either:




Here we see a top wrester's freshly drawn specimen examined for trace elements of barley and staghorn, a potent cocktail in ancient Greece, said to enhance athletic performance even more than "training for four twilights with the blessing of Zeus." The disqualified were universally reviled - driven from the public arena, except for appearances in Pagan "reality" pageants like The Simple Rite.

As many Olympic activities were performed in the nude, it might seem that society was less hostile to free expression. But even then, there were some standards:




In particular, the javelin toss was broadcast on a "turn-your-head-for-four-seconds-in-case-something-gruesome-takes-place" delay.

Finally, there was the rewarding of prizes. From the beginning, Olympics officials made sure that the judging of all events was scrupulously fair. But sometimes mistakes were made:




We may never know who really deserved to win that year. But the torch of excellence still rages as fiercely as any slighted Olympian at any point in our history.

Feeling a little more ancient,

LF

Khorkina & Me

Every four years, the Olympics not only bring us the rising stars of sports tomorrow but a few old favorites going for that last shot at glory. This year's swan song was by Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina - and what a beautiful, beautiful, troublesome, troublesome swan she is. Last Thursday, Khorkina lost the Women's All-Around to perky American Carly Patterson, and Sunday, finished last on the uneven bars (when are they going to get those fixed anyway?). Since the demise of her gold ambition, Svetlana has stirred controversy with comments suggesting the competition was rigged in favor of the American. Looking for the lowdown, I made arrangements to interview this tempestuous blonde over brunch at Kol Tov Monday afternoon. She may not have the gold but she still has a lot to say.




LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello Svetlana. Before anything else, I want to congratulate you on your showing this weekend.

SVETLANA KHORKINA: Thank you. Though I came in eighth, I am still Olympic champion!

LF: That you are. Also, I'm so saddened to hear about your retirement. As the "older woman" of women's gymnastics, not only were you an inspiration to senior citizens everywhere but one of the very few female gymnasts I could physically admire without feeling like a perv.

SK: Thank you. Age is just a number....even when I am 55, I will still be Olympic champion!

LF: 55? So I take it you have a birthday coming up?

SK: No, no. No matter what numbers the Western judges may concoct, I am only in my twenties. I have my whole life ahead of me. Though I am disappointed, there is much more to this existence than keeping gold out of the hands of greedy little virgin dwarves!

LF: Svetlana...this is the kind of thing you've been criticized for. Do you really believe there was a conspiracy to deny you the top prize?

SK: I know there was a conspiracy! I knew from the minute I approached the balance beam, when the judges pelted me with empty bottles of Smirnoff, that I wasn't going to win! Now they will live with it on their conscience - they murdered a young girl's dreams!

LF: But Carly Patterson, the winner, is sixteen, and you're twenty-five.

SK: Yes. But even when I am seventy-five, I will still be Olympic champion woman-child!

LF: But isn't some of your behavior a little unsportsman-like? For instance, after your score was announced on Sunday, you walked out before your competitors had even finished their routines. I know you were upset, but isn't that a little disrespectful? I mean, I stayed through the end of Catwoman, for God's sake.

SK: I refuse to participate in a sham! Unsportsman-like? I am not a sportsman, I am a beautiful bird who they tried to fleece! These competitions should not be about antiquated notions like who has best "movements" and does most difficult "manuevers", but on grace, elegance and beauty.

LF: No offense, but even if we were judging by that standard, I'd have to give the medal to Juliet Binoche. But you're not bad for an older lady.

What about all the venom you've inspired from the press? You've been called an "ice queen", a diva, you were once quoted as telling an American journalist to "shove it"...oh wait, these notes are left over from my interview with Teresa Heinz-Kerry. My bad.

How about that other Olympic judging controversy? Do you think Paul Hamm should give back his medal?

SK: Yes, he should return his medal...to me!

LF: But that makes no sense, you weren't competing against Paul Hamm - he got his gold in men's gymnastics!

SK: No, you must understand...there has been an injustice! He has a gold, and I am without gold. So the only fair thing...is to give me the gold! Otherwise, I don't see how he can sleep with himself on his conscience. He is not true Olympic champion - not like me!

LF: Well, Svetlana, thank you for your time. I don't know when we'll see you next - I guess it's back to the farm or opening boat shows with Nadia Comaneci.

Dismounting for now,

LF

Kerry Kontroversy

LF here - still in Olympic party mode but keeping sight of the goings-on back home. According to my briefings, some of the fiercest competition outside Athens is happening in the presidential campaign, where Bush supporters are striving mightily to make John Kerry's medals about as meaningful as Paul Hamm's. The charge made in television ads by the organization Swift Boat Veterans For Truth is that Kerry is exaggerating his Vietnam heroism. Though almost none of the vets featured in the group's spots actually served on Kerry's boat, the SBVTs are still gaining support. Just today, a highly decorated naval veteran of great prominence has risen to add his voice to the anti-Kerry ad choir.





In a devastating 30-second hit, Captain Horatio S. Crunch (né Cap'n Crunch) blasts the Democrat. "If Mr. Kerry is really the hero that he claims, where's his giant ribbon that says 'HERO'?," intones America's leading fighter of the Soggies. "I may have lost my medals a time or two in a particularly fierce battle on the Milk Sea, but I think everyone under my command agrees they were well-earned - just ask my first lieutenant, Guy On The Cracker Jacks Box."

Crunch denies he is doing this for political reasons: "I'm an independent; I've always supported the biggest corporate shill masquerading as a military leader of either party." He does acknowledge a special connection to the White House, as Mr. Bush likely spent several hours staring at his cardboard visage in the president's dissolute "wilderness" years of the early 1970s.

The ad will begin airing this week, mostly on Saturday mornings and during episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants.

Meanwhile, another spot is scheduled for nighttime programming on cable's Nick-At-Nite and TV Land. It also features a distinguished captain of the high seas - this time, questioning the circumstances behind Senator Kerry's combat wounds.




Were Kerry's Purple Heart injuries really sustained while helping Isaac move the roulette table? Millions of people without the proof to back up their suspicions are, nonetheless, very suspicious.

Maybe we should let the judges work this one out. Let's hope they don't make a scoring error like last time.

LF's Olympic Update

Brought to you by Kol Tov, the official kosher restaurant of the 2004 Summer Olympics.




Lots of action here in Athens. I may be keeping it kosher but the big winner today was Hamm - Paul Hamm. He captured the gold in Men's Individual All Around Gymnastics by the narrowest margin in history. The American beat South Korean Kim Dae-eun by a score so close, it makes Veikko Huhtanen's 1948 victory over Walter Lehmann look like a freakin' landslide! Oops - I forgot not everyone is an Olympic "wonk" like me. Needless to say, all the fans rooting for the US this year were really excited. In fact, a man who knows a thing or two about narrow margins, President Bush, called to congratulate Hamm on his triumph. Being the curious sort, he also asked how many of the Olympic judges were appointed by the gymnast's father. Bravo, Paul. I know you've been preparing for this moment for years, and if you get a good endorsement deal, it'll be years before we forget who you are. If not, I hear that Mary Lou Retton's slot at TGI Friday's has just opened up.

But the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

And if fortune doesn't smile on you, we can always meet at Kol Tov for some smoked salmon on rye.

The Pelé of posting,

LF

LF In Athens

Well, it took me a while, but I've finally made it: I'm now blogging to you live from the Summer Olympics. I wish I'd been here for the opening ceremony but due to a little mix-up, I spent the first day of the summer games here:




Yes, that's right: Athens, Georgia. I really need to read those travel brochures more closely. The minute I stepped off the plane, I noticed it was a lot less exotic that I thought it would be. And just milling about town, I saw far more Winn-Dixies than ancient ruins. The trip wasn't a total waste however; while visiting a local pawn shop, I had a very interesting conversation about scalp care with REM's Michael Stipe. Nice meeting ya, Mike, but Shiny Happy People catching the next flight out of town!

As you may have heard, security is very tight this year. Before I could enter the Olympic Village, I was frisked, stripped and thrown against a mat - which, incidentally, is how Governor Jim McGreevey chooses Cabinet appointees. Obviously, there's a lot of concern about terrorism - I think. With the swarm of armed guards I saw outside the festivities on Sunday, my first thoughts were, "Either they're worried about an incident or these Dutch rowers are much more popular than I imagined." We all know the reason for the special precautions: this is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension. Of course, this has enormous ramifications - mostly in the number of sportscasters who will continually announce, "This is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension." Every Olympian this year has to have it in the back of their minds that they're not just competing for themselves - they're competing for the chance to be pawns in a giant game of geopolitical cocksmanship. Go for the gold, guys!

But so far, there hasn't been much to distract from the glory of the Olympic spirit. No doping scandals, and no one getting hit in the leg with a pipe. Personally, I find this a little disappointing. It's like going to a hip-hop awards show where no one gets shot in the parking lot, or a Republican convention where no gays are baited. Hopefully, things will pick up in the next two weeks.

Your Champion Blogger,

LF

BREAKING NEWS: NJ Governor Resigns In Gayness

I know that many of you come here for the latest headlines, and this is it: James McGreevey, the 47-year-old Democratic governor of New Jersey, has just resigned over an extra-marital affair with another man. All I can say is, Wow. If I had known or cared who the governor of New Jersey was, I'd be shocked by this revelation. And if I lived in New Jersey, I'd be shocked I hadn't left yet. Certainly, no one saw this coming - except presumably, the governor's lover. This is guaranteed to shake up politics in "the Garden state" - though, really, when you think about it, any state with a nickname like that is just begging to have a gay governor.

What are the national implications? Politics being what it is, the Republicans will seize on this scandal to portray Democrats as the party of gay womanizers. That will tend to hurt the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the Bible Belt, where as you know, homosexuality and adultery are frowned upon by all but the most desperate of Tennessee Williams' characters. Still others will bemoan the fact that we don't live in a society progressive enough that a politician like McGreevey could openly cheat on his gay husband. But reaction from some of his gubernatorial colleagues has been surprisingly sympathetic. In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger said no politician should be forced to leave office over unsubstantiated claims of sexual harassment, even if he is "a girly-man." Nice to see some bi-partisan comity for once.

There's obviously a lot more to be said here. But I'll leave that to someone who knows a lot more about New Jersey, state-level politics, and homosexuality than I do - which is to say, almost anyone.

Further updates as the gratuitously graphic and unpleasant details become available...

Back Again

LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.

The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.

I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.

(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT

INTRO

(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!




1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!

1ST BREAK

Now STOP!

1ST VERSE

Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm

You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming

BRIDGE

You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!

2ND CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!

2ND BREAK

Now DROP! And HIDE!

2ND VERSE

Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter

'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you

2ND BRIDGE

For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!

3RD CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities

Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!

The Amish Vote

Lombaire Fan is feeling a bit blue these days, perhaps suffering from post-party-convention depression. So he turns things over - briefly - to one of his longtime assistants, the Hack Comic.

Yello? Yello? Terror alert! Terror alert! Kidding...hopefully.

Maybe you missed it, but I happened to catch this article last night about the Bush campaign reaching out to Amish voters, as seen here:



I think this strategy makes a great deal of sense. Not only do the Amish mostly live in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, they're probably the only people in America for whom the Iraqis look to be livin' large. Plus, most Amish haven't been to the movies since "Witness", so it's very unlikely they've seen Fahrenheit 9-11.

Naturally, Amish jokes have long been a staple of any hack comic's repertoire. So, moved by the spirit of Frank Jacks and with inspiration from past elections, I present my latest web poll:

Amish Outreach? What's the best campaign slogan to woo Amish voters? Let's Get America Churning Again Progress, Schmogress! A Reformer Without Electricity Building A Bridge To The 19th Century A Chicken In Every Pot, A Buggy In Every Shed Are You Better Off Than You Were A Fortnight Ago? It's Mulching Again In America Current Results

Vote early and often, until there's a clear winner or this post is knocked off the front page. And be good to LF, folks; he's been good to you.

Lomblog Goes Public!

Fresh off our convention success, I'm pleased to announce another step forward in expansion of the Lomblog media empire. Last week's DNC coverage brought our greatest traffic increase since I briefly changed the site name to Click To Watch Paris Hilton Get It On!. But a successful blog can not sustain itself simply on wit, insight and uncomprehending Googlers. That's why I'm pleased to announce that Lomblog will shortly make its debut as an initial public offering.

Yes, soon you will be able to own a share in my future profitability. Now admittedly, I'm not the greatest expert on financial matters; until quite recently, I thought IPOs were those digital music storage dealies. But after consulting with Wall Street's best, brightest and least indicted, I've determined this is the proper route. I have no idea where the bidding will start, but I hope we do a little better than the Win A Dream Date With LF charity auction a few months ago (that's the last time I'm stood up by a supposed "altruist").

As a bit of caution to potential investors: the market is notoriously volatile and liable to move on the slightest bit of rumor and hearsay. But then again, so am I! I look forward to having your support in very concrete terms. I think of Lomblog as my baby, and we all know how serious it is to sell one's child on the open market. By going public, I feel the site now not only has a chance to grow and develop, it won't move back in after college either. Ah, metaphor is a tricky art indeed.

Anyway, I've very excited by this venture into capitalism. New York Stock Exchange, here we come!