This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: August 18, 2004

"LF's Olympic Update"

...the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

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BREAKING: Israel Attacks Zidane

PARIS - A tense world situation grew even more tense tonight, with news that Israel has attacked the practice space of controversial French soccer star Zinédine Zidane.



This explosive yet seemingly inevitable development comes one week after Zidane headbutted an Italian player at World Cup, and three days after the strike on South Lebanon by Israeli forces.

So far, it is believed that Mr. Zidane was unharmed in tonight's raid, as he was apologizing elsewhere when the bombs struck. But the symbolic import of this unprecedented clash between Mideast powerhouse and midfield power player can not be overstated.

Many longtime Middle East observers are tonight asking "Why?" Why would Israel choose to assault a French soccer compound when it's already fighting a two-front war in its home region? My sources in Jerusalem list these reasons:

1) Mr. Zidane is a Muslim - a strong, agile Muslim given to provocative gestures. While he's never explicitly called for the destruction of Israel, he's never explicitly not called for it either.

2) The practice space in question may be a hiding place for Hamas and Hezbollah secret agents, many of whom must have been encouraged by the hero's welcome Zidane received after the headbutting incident.

3) As it never qualified for this year's World Cup, Israel is in a unique position to take a stand against poor sportsmanship.

4) It's the weekend - time to cut loose.

Now, more background on the participants in tonight's match, Zizou vs. the Zionists.

First, Israel:

• It's been playing internationally since 1948.

• Nickname(s): "The Jewish state"; "The Jewish homeland".

• Playing style: It's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but sometimes it makes nice.



And Zinédine Zidane:

• He's been playing internationally since 1994.

• Nickname(s): Zizou; Butthead.

• Playing style: He's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but he too sometimes makes nice.



Good luck, gentlemen (and ladies)!

We'll have more on this story as events develop.........

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Still Greek To Me

If there's one thing I've loved about Athens, it's knowing that a little piece of history is around every corner. Truly, it's like visiting Neverland Ranch before the cops arrive. This year's Olympics represent something of a homecoming for the games, as this is really where it all started, in ancient Greece BC (Before Costas). Unfortunately, there is no filmed record of the Olympics for this period, and even if there were, NBC would own exclusive rights to broadcast the highlights from 1:00 - 4:00 am. So the only way to snatch a glimpse of ceremonies past is through the extensive collection of ancient Greek artifacts collected in museums around the globe.

These relics - wall paintings, plates, vases, dusty gift-shop trinkets - offer a fascinating peak into antiquity. They also beg the question: are today's Olympics really that different from the games of yore?

For instance, corporate sponsorship of athletes and sporting events has been a frequent target of the civic-minded in modern times but even in the idealistic Greek republic of old, a strong touch of commercialism crept in:




Happily, in 40 AD, the barbaric practice of branding star equestrians with company logos was ended by the Roman Emperor Caligula, who termed it "no way to treat a lady."

Drug scandals have also marred many an Olympic outing in recent years, but they are nothing new either:




Here we see a top wrester's freshly drawn specimen examined for trace elements of barley and staghorn, a potent cocktail in ancient Greece, said to enhance athletic performance even more than "training for four twilights with the blessing of Zeus." The disqualified were universally reviled - driven from the public arena, except for appearances in Pagan "reality" pageants like The Simple Rite.

As many Olympic activities were performed in the nude, it might seem that society was less hostile to free expression. But even then, there were some standards:




In particular, the javelin toss was broadcast on a "turn-your-head-for-four-seconds-in-case-something-gruesome-takes-place" delay.

Finally, there was the rewarding of prizes. From the beginning, Olympics officials made sure that the judging of all events was scrupulously fair. But sometimes mistakes were made:




We may never know who really deserved to win that year. But the torch of excellence still rages as fiercely as any slighted Olympian at any point in our history.

Feeling a little more ancient,

LF

Khorkina & Me

Every four years, the Olympics not only bring us the rising stars of sports tomorrow but a few old favorites going for that last shot at glory. This year's swan song was by Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina - and what a beautiful, beautiful, troublesome, troublesome swan she is. Last Thursday, Khorkina lost the Women's All-Around to perky American Carly Patterson, and Sunday, finished last on the uneven bars (when are they going to get those fixed anyway?). Since the demise of her gold ambition, Svetlana has stirred controversy with comments suggesting the competition was rigged in favor of the American. Looking for the lowdown, I made arrangements to interview this tempestuous blonde over brunch at Kol Tov Monday afternoon. She may not have the gold but she still has a lot to say.




LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello Svetlana. Before anything else, I want to congratulate you on your showing this weekend.

SVETLANA KHORKINA: Thank you. Though I came in eighth, I am still Olympic champion!

LF: That you are. Also, I'm so saddened to hear about your retirement. As the "older woman" of women's gymnastics, not only were you an inspiration to senior citizens everywhere but one of the very few female gymnasts I could physically admire without feeling like a perv.

SK: Thank you. Age is just a number....even when I am 55, I will still be Olympic champion!

LF: 55? So I take it you have a birthday coming up?

SK: No, no. No matter what numbers the Western judges may concoct, I am only in my twenties. I have my whole life ahead of me. Though I am disappointed, there is much more to this existence than keeping gold out of the hands of greedy little virgin dwarves!

LF: Svetlana...this is the kind of thing you've been criticized for. Do you really believe there was a conspiracy to deny you the top prize?

SK: I know there was a conspiracy! I knew from the minute I approached the balance beam, when the judges pelted me with empty bottles of Smirnoff, that I wasn't going to win! Now they will live with it on their conscience - they murdered a young girl's dreams!

LF: But Carly Patterson, the winner, is sixteen, and you're twenty-five.

SK: Yes. But even when I am seventy-five, I will still be Olympic champion woman-child!

LF: But isn't some of your behavior a little unsportsman-like? For instance, after your score was announced on Sunday, you walked out before your competitors had even finished their routines. I know you were upset, but isn't that a little disrespectful? I mean, I stayed through the end of Catwoman, for God's sake.

SK: I refuse to participate in a sham! Unsportsman-like? I am not a sportsman, I am a beautiful bird who they tried to fleece! These competitions should not be about antiquated notions like who has best "movements" and does most difficult "manuevers", but on grace, elegance and beauty.

LF: No offense, but even if we were judging by that standard, I'd have to give the medal to Juliet Binoche. But you're not bad for an older lady.

What about all the venom you've inspired from the press? You've been called an "ice queen", a diva, you were once quoted as telling an American journalist to "shove it"...oh wait, these notes are left over from my interview with Teresa Heinz-Kerry. My bad.

How about that other Olympic judging controversy? Do you think Paul Hamm should give back his medal?

SK: Yes, he should return his medal...to me!

LF: But that makes no sense, you weren't competing against Paul Hamm - he got his gold in men's gymnastics!

SK: No, you must understand...there has been an injustice! He has a gold, and I am without gold. So the only fair thing...is to give me the gold! Otherwise, I don't see how he can sleep with himself on his conscience. He is not true Olympic champion - not like me!

LF: Well, Svetlana, thank you for your time. I don't know when we'll see you next - I guess it's back to the farm or opening boat shows with Nadia Comaneci.

Dismounting for now,

LF

LF In Athens

Well, it took me a while, but I've finally made it: I'm now blogging to you live from the Summer Olympics. I wish I'd been here for the opening ceremony but due to a little mix-up, I spent the first day of the summer games here:




Yes, that's right: Athens, Georgia. I really need to read those travel brochures more closely. The minute I stepped off the plane, I noticed it was a lot less exotic that I thought it would be. And just milling about town, I saw far more Winn-Dixies than ancient ruins. The trip wasn't a total waste however; while visiting a local pawn shop, I had a very interesting conversation about scalp care with REM's Michael Stipe. Nice meeting ya, Mike, but Shiny Happy People catching the next flight out of town!

As you may have heard, security is very tight this year. Before I could enter the Olympic Village, I was frisked, stripped and thrown against a mat - which, incidentally, is how Governor Jim McGreevey chooses Cabinet appointees. Obviously, there's a lot of concern about terrorism - I think. With the swarm of armed guards I saw outside the festivities on Sunday, my first thoughts were, "Either they're worried about an incident or these Dutch rowers are much more popular than I imagined." We all know the reason for the special precautions: this is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension. Of course, this has enormous ramifications - mostly in the number of sportscasters who will continually announce, "This is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension." Every Olympian this year has to have it in the back of their minds that they're not just competing for themselves - they're competing for the chance to be pawns in a giant game of geopolitical cocksmanship. Go for the gold, guys!

But so far, there hasn't been much to distract from the glory of the Olympic spirit. No doping scandals, and no one getting hit in the leg with a pipe. Personally, I find this a little disappointing. It's like going to a hip-hop awards show where no one gets shot in the parking lot, or a Republican convention where no gays are baited. Hopefully, things will pick up in the next two weeks.

Your Champion Blogger,

LF

Smarty Takes A Fall

Just when America needs all the heroes it can get, another sports icon has fallen from grace. Smarty Jones, who captured our hearts with his come-from-behind victories at the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, was upset today in the final stretch at Belmont. For those of us who've never followed horse racing before but were moved by the story of Smarty, this is understandably heartbreaking. For those of us that have never bet on a horse before, this is something a bit more than heartbreaking. When I watched Smarty fall behind this afternoon, I screamed so loud, I think even Seabiscuit himself might have heard me. But within the disappointment, there is a lesson for all who aspire to a quick run at the bigtime.



The life of a championship thoroughbred is often the very essence of the hoary old show-biz cliche "too much, too soon." One minute, you're grazing peacefully at your owner's estate; the next, you're being shuttled from derby to derby, bookies are screaming your name, the little girls want to draw you and the big girls want to ride you. It's heady stuff. Everyone from Man O'War to Seattle Slew has been down this road, and there isn't always a jockey talented enough to manage a happy trail out.

Even before today's flameout, there were omininous suggestions about Jones' future. An Equestrian Weekly article ("Is Smarty's Party About To Go Belly-Up?") drew spooky parallels between his behind-the-stirrups misadventures and those of the late Who drummer Keith Moon (both liked to snort hay and get hosed down after a lengthy performance). Within the racing community, said one off-the-record source, SJ was dubbed "a four-legged, flat-footed Kobe Bryant...whenever he's loping through town, I make sure to keep the barn doors closed at night." So when it was reported that two young fillies had left his stable at 2 o'clock in the morning, all of us should've been alarmed. We might wish for a world where the private lives of our racing idols were given less scrutiny, as they were in the days of Secretariat, but Smarty knew the stakes were high the minute he galloped into the limelight.

Anyway, congratulations to Birdstone, the real winner. Our hearts are broken but they will heal. And I'll find another way to pay off my student loans.