Out Of Italy; Pope Fans

On Monday I returned from my Roman sojourn with a heart full of memories, a stomach full of pasta and a head full of ecclesiastical cant. Or something like that. Now that I'm back, I'd like to first thank the Vatican staff for being so cooperative; there probably hasn't been a host as accomodating since Paula Abdul. In fact, everyone in town was totally cool. They call it Vatican City, but for me, this was the true "Magic Kingdom" - with extra props for not having John Paul embalmed or frozen.

But beyond the momentousness of this papal transition, I think what I appreciated most were the regular people I met along the way. Having spent a fair chunk of my pseudo-adulthood in the secular/Satanic world of Hollywood, it was refreshing to be among folks whose lives are grounded in sincere faith. Foremost among them were two young men who traveled thousands of miles to witness the new Pope's official start.



Rick Boitan, 25, and Dave Boyer, 34, are probably the biggest Pope fans you could ever meet. Only the Vatican itself holds more papal memorabilia than Rick and Dave's bedrooms. Being something of an obsessive collector-type myself, I don't think I really understood the Pope's appeal until I caught up with these two. Luckily, I happened to have a tape recorder on hand to capture this one-of-a-kind outbreak of Benedictine fever:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey guys. Nice costumes.

RICK: Thanks. My mother sewed this for me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But wait - what's that? A light-saber?

RICK: No! It's a holy cross.

DAVE: Helps us fend off evil.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I'm curious - I see the sleeping bag and all....how long have you been camped out here?

DAVE: Well, the minute we heard a new pope was coming out, we knew we had to be here.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So ever since the smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel?

RICK: No! July '04. The really hardcore fans find out early.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wow, that's a long time. After such a long wait, are you worried that Benedict XVI won't live up to the legacy of John Paul II?

DAVE: No, not at all. I don't really think about whether the new pope will be as good as the last; I'm just pleased that the series will continue.

RICK: Yeah, to the people that criticize, I always say, Let's see you lead a worldwide branch of Christianity! If you can sustain a following like this, then you can complain!

LOMBAIRE FAN: How long have you been fans of the papacy?

RICK: Me? My mother took me to see PJP: II in Seattle when I was just four. I still remember it. Seeing the Popemobile in person - not a scale model - it was awesome. A lot of his pronouncements I didn't really understand but I think I knew even then that the Pope was badass.

DAVE: Of course I'm a little older than Rick so I go back a ways. When the Pope was shot...well, that was a classic moment. It was really like a climactic battle between good and evil, with a young man rising to challenge his Holy Father...the Pope sorta dangling on the precipice......but what do you know? He survives and comes back for the next mass. And eventually they reconcile.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I take it you're really well-versed in Vatican history.

RICK: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with it all, even the old stuff - the pre-encyclicals.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Any favorites?

DAVE: I always thought it was pretty cool when Piux X was canonized. I mean, he's been dead for four decades and suddenly his body is dug up and on open display - what a twist! But that's the beauty of this weird alternate universe St. Peter created.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So how much of your fandom is actually based on your Catholic beliefs?

DAVE: Huh? I'm not Catholic.

RICK: Me neither - I'm Lutheran.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wait a minute....isn't there a conflict?

RICK: How? We're fans, not followers. You can worship the Pope, without "worshipping" the Pope.

DAVE: Yeah, don't you understand? What are you - a religious bigot?

LOMBAIRE FAN: I've just never heard of this before.

DAVE: Well, I'm sorry. It's ok.....hey Rick, just for fun do you think you could recite the new Pope's opening homily? In Latin?

RICK: Sure. Benedicticus....willrockicus....yourlameassicus.

RICK & DAVE: (high fives)

LOMBAIRE FAN: Nice job. Enjoy the new papacy, gentlemen.

LF's Olympic Update

Brought to you by Kol Tov, the official kosher restaurant of the 2004 Summer Olympics.




Lots of action here in Athens. I may be keeping it kosher but the big winner today was Hamm - Paul Hamm. He captured the gold in Men's Individual All Around Gymnastics by the narrowest margin in history. The American beat South Korean Kim Dae-eun by a score so close, it makes Veikko Huhtanen's 1948 victory over Walter Lehmann look like a freakin' landslide! Oops - I forgot not everyone is an Olympic "wonk" like me. Needless to say, all the fans rooting for the US this year were really excited. In fact, a man who knows a thing or two about narrow margins, President Bush, called to congratulate Hamm on his triumph. Being the curious sort, he also asked how many of the Olympic judges were appointed by the gymnast's father. Bravo, Paul. I know you've been preparing for this moment for years, and if you get a good endorsement deal, it'll be years before we forget who you are. If not, I hear that Mary Lou Retton's slot at TGI Friday's has just opened up.

But the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

And if fortune doesn't smile on you, we can always meet at Kol Tov for some smoked salmon on rye.

The Pelé of posting,

LF

LF In Athens

Well, it took me a while, but I've finally made it: I'm now blogging to you live from the Summer Olympics. I wish I'd been here for the opening ceremony but due to a little mix-up, I spent the first day of the summer games here:




Yes, that's right: Athens, Georgia. I really need to read those travel brochures more closely. The minute I stepped off the plane, I noticed it was a lot less exotic that I thought it would be. And just milling about town, I saw far more Winn-Dixies than ancient ruins. The trip wasn't a total waste however; while visiting a local pawn shop, I had a very interesting conversation about scalp care with REM's Michael Stipe. Nice meeting ya, Mike, but Shiny Happy People catching the next flight out of town!

As you may have heard, security is very tight this year. Before I could enter the Olympic Village, I was frisked, stripped and thrown against a mat - which, incidentally, is how Governor Jim McGreevey chooses Cabinet appointees. Obviously, there's a lot of concern about terrorism - I think. With the swarm of armed guards I saw outside the festivities on Sunday, my first thoughts were, "Either they're worried about an incident or these Dutch rowers are much more popular than I imagined." We all know the reason for the special precautions: this is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension. Of course, this has enormous ramifications - mostly in the number of sportscasters who will continually announce, "This is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension." Every Olympian this year has to have it in the back of their minds that they're not just competing for themselves - they're competing for the chance to be pawns in a giant game of geopolitical cocksmanship. Go for the gold, guys!

But so far, there hasn't been much to distract from the glory of the Olympic spirit. No doping scandals, and no one getting hit in the leg with a pipe. Personally, I find this a little disappointing. It's like going to a hip-hop awards show where no one gets shot in the parking lot, or a Republican convention where no gays are baited. Hopefully, things will pick up in the next two weeks.

Your Champion Blogger,

LF

LF In Washington

I guess this is the first time I've posted from the road, but I just wanted to tell everyone that I was among the thousands who attended today's abortion rights march here in Washington. It was quite an event, and I had a grand time, as the children say, "representin'" for the Lombaire fan community. Well...for the most part.



I am, of course, no stranger to social activism. In fact, I come from a long line of feminists. My mother actually burned her bra in the 1970s - though for all I know, she was just free-basing. Mother - I kid. Anyway, like Lombaire, who got his start in France's anti-dwarf-tossing movement ("When one dwarf is tossed against his will, all of us are tossed off in some small way"), I am a firm believer in speaking one's mind. To this end, I've never been hesitant to voice my support for reproductive rights, even to women I don't personally find attractive. So today, I was more than happy to join arms with the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton and at least one of the Olson twins (hey, who wouldn't be in favor of abortion after working with John Stamos and Dave Coulet?) to make sure that Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land.

However, as you may have noticed, nothing Lombaire Fan does is ever easy. It seemed the more stars I crossed on my journey, the more star-crossed I became. I ran into former Secretary of State Madeline Albright and with clueless aplomb, chirped, "Hello Mr. Gardenia, I loved you in Moonstruck!" My attempts to start "the wave" after a particularly fiery speech by NOW head Kim Gandy did nothing for my batting average either. But none of this prepared me for the coup de grace of ineptitude that preceded, and in some ways, necessitated my departure.

After a performance by the Keep-It-Legal Players, Planned Parenthood's official comedy improv troupe, I was asked by the organizers to fill in for Mavis Leno and take the stage to introduce the next speaker. As I made my way through the crowd, the loud speakers were booming out OutKast's "Hey Ya" - a song I can literally never get enough of, in any context. The audience was totally into it - chanting slogans, waving placards, and shakin' their coathangers like there was no tomorrow. But as I approached the mic, the music cut off abruptly. My spirits sank - and so too, it seemed, did the crowd's. I knew that something had to be said. So before going on with my planned remarks, I shot an angry look at the soundman and practically shouted, "HEY - you should've let it play out! That baby was rockin'; why'd you have to kill it?!"

Needless to say, this was an extremely poor choice of words on my part and it was completely misinterpreted by many of the attendees, especially those camped out furthest from the stage. By the time I was done introducing Scarlett Johansson, I might as well have been a first-trimester George W. Bush. Even Scarlett's air-kiss had a faint touch of hostility. I was just fortunate, as you can see from the photo, that there were so many large bushes to hide out in.

I've heard from friends back home that the footage of this incident has been played round-the-clock today on the Fox News Channel and will soon be the basis for a Bill O'Reilly special on the intolerance of the activist Left. I don't know what to make of that, but if it helps spread the Lombaire message...

Adieu from DC!