I guess this is the first time I've posted from the road, but I just wanted to tell everyone that I was among the thousands who attended today's abortion rights march here in Washington. It was quite an event, and I had a grand time, as the children say, "representin'" for the Lombaire fan community. Well...for the most part.
I am, of course, no stranger to social activism. In fact, I come from a long line of feminists. My mother actually burned her bra in the 1970s - though for all I know, she was just free-basing. Mother - I kid. Anyway, like Lombaire, who got his start in France's anti-dwarf-tossing movement ("When one dwarf is tossed against his will, all of us are tossed off in some small way"), I am a firm believer in speaking one's mind. To this end, I've never been hesitant to voice my support for reproductive rights, even to women I don't personally find attractive. So today, I was more than happy to join arms with the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton and at least one of the Olson twins (hey, who wouldn't be in favor of abortion after working with John Stamos and Dave Coulet?) to make sure that Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land.
However, as you may have noticed, nothing Lombaire Fan does is ever easy. It seemed the more stars I crossed on my journey, the more star-crossed I became. I ran into former Secretary of State Madeline Albright and with clueless aplomb, chirped, "Hello Mr. Gardenia, I loved you in Moonstruck!" My attempts to start "the wave" after a particularly fiery speech by NOW head Kim Gandy did nothing for my batting average either. But none of this prepared me for the coup de grace of ineptitude that preceded, and in some ways, necessitated my departure.
After a performance by the Keep-It-Legal Players, Planned Parenthood's official comedy improv troupe, I was asked by the organizers to fill in for Mavis Leno and take the stage to introduce the next speaker. As I made my way through the crowd, the loud speakers were booming out OutKast's "Hey Ya" - a song I can literally never get enough of, in any context. The audience was totally into it - chanting slogans, waving placards, and shakin' their coathangers like there was no tomorrow. But as I approached the mic, the music cut off abruptly. My spirits sank - and so too, it seemed, did the crowd's. I knew that something had to be said. So before going on with my planned remarks, I shot an angry look at the soundman and practically shouted, "HEY - you should've let it play out! That baby was rockin'; why'd you have to kill it?!"
Needless to say, this was an extremely poor choice of words on my part and it was completely misinterpreted by many of the attendees, especially those camped out furthest from the stage. By the time I was done introducing Scarlett Johansson, I might as well have been a first-trimester George W. Bush. Even Scarlett's air-kiss had a faint touch of hostility. I was just fortunate, as you can see from the photo, that there were so many large bushes to hide out in.
I've heard from friends back home that the footage of this incident has been played round-the-clock today on the Fox News Channel and will soon be the basis for a Bill O'Reilly special on the intolerance of the activist Left. I don't know what to make of that, but if it helps spread the Lombaire message...
Adieu from DC!
