It may sometimes seem like Lombaire Fan is everywhere at once but truthfully, I am but a mere mortal. Which is why I'm introducing a new feature to Lomblog: embeds. You may be familiar with the concept from the news networks. These are special correspondents who will be on the scene always, ready to report directly to me, anytime I'm too lazy to write the blog myself.
Our first report couldn't be more timely. It comes from Ray D., of the popular Where is Ray D? site. For the past three years, Ray, a 26-year-old former Jerseyite, has been living in - and writing from - Billy Joel's car, a venue that's brought him face to face with mortal danger on multiple occasions. Yet Ray always seems to emerge from the wreckage, and provide his readers with an entertaining first-person account of life amid constant chaos and rebuilding.
I spoke to Ray yesterday morning, after the most recent car-bombing.
LOMBAIRE FAN: First, Ray, welcome to Lomblog.
RAY D.: Thanks.
LF: I guess I'll be asking this of all the embeds: what time is it, and where are you now?
RD: It's approximately 1100 Greenwich Mean, and I'm crouching behind the front-side passenger.
LF: And where is Billy?
RD: Oh, I don't know. Composing, hopefully.
LF: Tell us how this all began.
RD: This whole situation started a few years ago, when I was hanging out in the parking lot of a liquor store in Secaucus with my pal Nugget. We saw this guy walk into the store, and Nug went, "Hey! Wasn't that Billy Joel?" He must have been on tour or something. Now, at the time, I was so wasted, I couldn't tell Billy Joel from Billy the Kid. But when he came out with his whiskey in a paper sack, he was kind of quietly crooning Uptown Girl and suddenly it clicked.
LF: And at what time did you enter the car?
RD: Well, what I just described happened about 2 in the morning but Billy came back to the store a couple hours later. I noticed his doors were unlocked. I thought maybe, I'd, you know...take a look around. I don't know what I hoped to find exactly...maybe some naked pictures of Christie Brinkley. Heh heh heh.
Anyway, I ended up in back, and when I saw Mr. Joel coming out to the lot, I thought for sure I was going to jail. But no...his vision must have been so blurred that he didn't even know I was there! He just drove off...with me in the car. And I've been here ever since.
LF: Was it difficult getting adjusted?
RD: Somewhat. But you know, my dad once told me I was conceived in a Buick Riviera to an eight-track copy of The Stranger, so in many ways this was like coming home for me.
LF: How have you managed to survive all this time? I mean, what is the food and water supply like?
RD: Oh, it's fine. Billy's always throwing things back here: Fritos, Captain Crunch, NutraSweet packets. Lot of empties but with that much booze around, you're bound to find a drop. Seriously, I eat better than I did in college.
LF: What's been the most difficult part of your experience?
RD: Oh, probably learning the different languages.
LF: Languages?
RD: Yes. Billy after vodka speaks in a completely different dialect than Billy after Courvoisier and Seconal. It's a tricky terrain to navigate, especially for an outsider. The Billy Joels may all look the same, but believe me, they are different. And you don't want to mix them up either.
LF: Have you been happy with the media's portrayal of this story?
RD: Not really. I only know what I've heard on Billy's stereo but I can tell you the reports don't match what I see here, uh, on the floorboard.
LF: How so?
RD: Well, it seems like the media loves to perpetuate the notion that we're not making progress, that everything is falling apart, that this is a wasted expedition. Nothing could be further from the truth. Look, are there a lot of places in the world that are safer to live in than Billy Joel's car? Absolutely. But is it a lot better than it was, say, two years ago, before he went into rehab? I don't see how anyone can argue.
LF: Anything else you resent about the coverage?
RD: I guess the thing that really...sends me up a wall is when the so-called "experts" imply that Billy somehow isn't ready for the responsibility of driving. To me, that's racist.
LF: Racist?
RD: Well, no one ever says that Sting shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, or Phil Collins shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, do they? Of course not; those guys are English. But Billy, because he's Italian and from New Jersey -
LF: Wait a second - I thought Billy is Jewish. And from Long Island.
RD: Whatever. Don't bag on me because I'm not a history major. I'm a lot closer to the situation than you'll ever be.
LF: Fine but wouldn't the most recent incident, when he crashed into a house, cause you to reevaluate your position at least slightly? Weren't you at all concerned that maybe Billy didn't know what he was doing, that he was letting things spiral out of control, that he had no long-term plan to...get off the road safely?
RD: Sure, the lack of an exit strategy did concern me, but ultimately, it is his car. None of us can take the wheel and steer it for him. It's really up to Billy to decide what direction he wants to go in next. All the rest of us can do is sit back, hope for the best and promise not to abandon him during the reconstruction.
LF: How long do you plan to remain in Billy's car?
RD: Well, I had been planning to live here until June 30.
LF: What was the significance of that date?
RD: That was the day Billy planned to turn over the keys to his daughter Alexa. Now, I don't know. Everything's in a state of flux.
LF: Is there any message you would like to leave the people of the United States and the world as you report to us live from Billy Joel's car?
RD: Yes. That no matter how it might look from the outside, Billy welcomes our intervention. Sure, in the early months, you're gonna see a lot of fighting, a lot of militancy, a lot of performances of "You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)" or even "My Life" but deep down, Billy wants a change. He is anxious to rejoin Paul McCartney and Elton John in the international community of middle-of-the-road, past-their-prime, pop singer/songwriters who also dabble in light classical.
LF: Thank you, Ray, our Billy embed. And tell Mr. Joel hello for me, will you?
RD: I most certainly won't. (Sings) Oh, I'm livin' here in Billy's car...
