Site Traffic

I have to confess, after week one, this blogging thing is much more difficult than I ever imagined. In the wide, wide world of the Worldwide Web, the competition for "site hits" and "traffic" and "readership by more than a few close friends" can be quite fierce. So much so that even a man with the rigorous standards of professionalism of yours truly has been tempted to throw out a few attractive lures as bait for the unwashed masses. If I may mix...uh...metaphors?

Whatever the case, I happened to peruse this
site earlier, which lists the phrases most rapidly gaining popularity on the search engine Google. Now, I happen to use Google a lot, mostly to find mentions of my own name or if anyone I knew in high school has been added to a sex-offender registry. These searches would, of course, account for a relatively miniscule share of Google traffic - I would guess...less than ten percent. These, on the other hand, were the most popular search phrases of the week ending April 12:

1. easter

Yes, a Christian holiday was ranked number one. Mel Gibson, you are truly a genius for sensing a market potential untapped by all but the Left Behind creators, the gospel recording industry and Jack Chick.

2. elisha cuthbert

I have no idea who this is but some of the fakes are very good.

3. rebecca loos

Again, I don't know her. But from a quick review of the evidence, I don't even want to see her fakes.

4. jessica simpson

This woman, of course, has recently been the subject of much parody and smug ridicule in the television and print media. I don't see why; I think she deserves our support, not scorn, for having the courage to carry on - in full public view, no less - her marriage to the Backstreet Boys.

If I find any good fakes, I'll tell you.

5. miss usa

I haven't read up on this year's winner. I only hope that she will fulfill her mandate to promote world peace by speaking out against the Sharon settlement proposals.

6. irs

Ah yes, it was tax time once again. Luckily, I've never been audited but I will never forgive the agency for their monstrous treatment of men like Redd Foxx and Willie Nelson.

Of course, many celebrities are naive about money ("It's all about art, man!") and fall into financial ruin by following bad advice. A good example is Ike Turner. Back in the Seventies, Ike had a broker who told him he could yield a huge dividend if he beat his wife and developed a severe cocaine addiction. Poor Ike.

I'm only glad that Lombaire never had to deal with the pressure and strain of financial success.

7. william hung

I doubt these words were grouped together. But seriously, William, your fifteen minutes are just about up! Get out of show business now, before you end up as Merv Griffin's pool-boy.

8. good friday

Another Christian holiday. I'm still trying to get financing to open up my once-a-year Catholic theme restaurant, TGIGF.

9. omarosa

I think this is a skin disease.

10. masters golf

This makes sense. Golf is even more exciting to read about than to watch.

Don't be surprised to see a few of these phrases popping up more and more in future posts.