When Foley Met O'Reilly

Q. What's red, white & blue and clammy all over?

A. Mark Foley and Bill O'Reilly in a two-shot.

Yes, hard to believe, but not so long ago, Congressman Foley appeared on The O'Reilly Factor to discuss his crusade to build a national sex-offender registry list as comprehensive as his collection of teenage contact details.

Courtesy Wonkette, it's a visit to the No-Sense-Of-Irony Zone:



You know, that was only May but I feel safer already.

As much attention as the Foley story has attracted so far, there are still many angles yet to be explored. With that in mind, I'd like to present the following reconstruction of what might have happened after Mr. O'Reilly invited Rep. Foley to appear on his show that night.

Note: all the dialogue included in this exchange is based on actual conversations that have been publicly documented.

Foley: i am in pensecola...had to catch a plane

O'Reilly: Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think I'd do...

Foley: I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you

O'Reilly: Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around...

Foley: now in my hotel room

O'Reilly: yeah we'd check into the room, and we would order up room service and uh and you'd definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get 'em into you...

Foley: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beautiful

O'Reilly: You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back...

Foley: love details

O'Reilly: rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water...and um...

Foley: i like steamroom

O'Reilly: you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda' put my arm - it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it...

Foley: well dont ruin my mental picture

O'Reilly: I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I'll appreciate it. I mean it.

See you on The Factor, Congressman.

Foley: Looking forward to it.

Ok, I admit it: I took some liberties and made up the last two sentences. But it sounds pretty real, doesn't it?

Congressman Mark Foley's Virtual Townhall Meeting

Yesterday, Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley was forced to resign after revelations that he had sent sexually explicit instant messages to underage male congressional pages. For many in Foley's district, this news was quite shocking. But constituents who attended Foley's online "town meeting" back in June were perhaps less surprised...

Maf54: hi im congressman Mark Foley and welcome to my first live chat!

my apologies for the delay in getting started...i just rode 25-miles on my bike so im all hot and sweaty...but totally pumped about answering your questions!

lets get to it!

Marsha: Hi, Congressman Foley.

Maf54: hi marsha!

Marsha: I have a question about education. As the mother of twins who just completed their first year in high school, school funding is a big concern of mine.

Maf54: m or f?

Marsha: Huh?

Maf54: sorry...are your twins male or female?

Marsha: Oh. Not quite sure why it matters, but they're both girls.

Maf54: well marsha...im not on any of the education committees this year...but if you like...you could send your question to my staff and they might get back to you later...ok?

Marsha: Ok.

Maf54: thanks!

Peter: Hi, Congressman.

Maf54: hi peter!

Peter: Given the last response, I don't know if you can answer this, but I have a question about student loans.

Maf54: go ahead!

Peter: I've been thinking about applying for college aid next year.

Maf54: cool...how old are you now?

Peter: I'll be 18 in December.

Maf54: wow...from the tone of your question you sound much older...

Peter: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Maf54: what do you want for your birthday? what kind of stuff do you like to do?

Peter: ????

Maf54: ok...student loans is a very complex issue...but if you want... there are some documents i could send from my computer...do you have AIM?

Peter: Uh, Congressman, I really need to get back to studying. Thanks.

Maf54: but its summer break!

ok,,,,who else has a question?

Denise: Hello Mark!

Maf54: hi denise...are you the denise i think you are?

Denise: Sure am. I do have a question, but first I want to brag on you a bit!

Maf54: im blushing already!

Denise: Whenever someone says to me there are no decent people left in Congress, I always say, "You haven't met Mark Foley." He is what some of my Jewish friends here in South Florida call a mensch. When my son had a big soccer game, Congressman Foley was there. When my other son was competing in a wrestling championship, the congressman dropped everything he was doing and flew back to the district. When my daughter came back from serving in Iraq, Mark couldn't be there - both his grandmas were having surgery - but he sent a very nice note! That's just the kind of man he is.

I tell you, sometimes I think we don't need to re-elect Mark Foley, we need to clone him.

Maf54: haha now i have to rethink my stance on cloning! but trust me...theres more than enough of me to go around!

seriously,,,denise...i have a big night ahead of me...whats your question?

Denise: More a statement than a question: I've been having a lot of trouble with e-mails to your website. I wrote you from my personal address a bunch of times last year and it took me forever to get anything back. But when I sent an e-mail from my son's account, I got a response within an hour, asking for photos and if I wanted tickets to see Good Charlotte.

Maf54: oh...sorry about that...

Denise: I'm just hoping your webmaster isn't a Democrat or somebody trying to embarrass you.

Maf54: dont worry about it,,denise...that person has been disciplined very severely...and thank you for those pictures you sent

Denise: Anytime! Did you like my haircut?

Maf54: of course...i love the new pageboy!

Peter: Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

Maf54: peter...your back! you have a question about health care?

The D.C.

By Special Guest Blogger, Punditta



Editors: At 15, Punditta is America's youngest, freshest, and by all accounts, most adorable political commentator. She's been publishing her own site since 2004, having left her original online forum, J*e*n*n*i G's Personal Hizzome-Page, over "creative differences." From there, her popularitiy skyrocketed. Last year, she was called "sassy, irreverent and essential" by the editors of Time Magazine, who recently hired her to tutor their children.

Other political scribes have also taken note of Punditta; at a recent DC society function, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd termed her "that little bitch".

Luckily for Lomblog, she has now joined our team, and will be posting here occasionally, but never on a school night. Enjoy.

The Ewwwww Department

Can you believe Congressman Tom Tancredo tried to add me to his MySpace?



Gross!!! Even my inbox needs a shower! Shouldn't he be out hassling brown people or something?

The scary thing is, he looks just like my Spanish teacher.

On The D Tip

Meanwhile on the other side of the aisle, the Dems are juiced about taking back the House. Yay! I really don't want to go to Canada, unless I get to personally strangle Nickelback.

How confident are the Donks? They just budgeted $450,000 on ad buys in swing districts, and another $600,000 to shoot more Botox into Nancy Pelosi's face.



Pelosi, you just got P'wned!



Some Enchanted Ceasefire

Like the musical reference? Believe it or not, I was in a theatre camp production of South Pacific this summer with - get this - Donald Rumsfeld's granddaughter Kaila! I'll be YouTubing some highlights later on. Very educative show, btw. Knowing the history really puts this appeasement talk in some perspective.

I digress. Can you believe my bf and I are still arguing Israel/Lebanon? We ended up debating Mideast issues through the whole VMAs last night ("If you love the IDF so much, why don't you marry it!" "Shh...Fall Out Boy"). Ugh. Thank God (and Mom) for TiVo.

Anyway, I hope you're happy, Ehud Olmert.

The Dukes Of Allen

A lot of blog-ink got spilled this week on the subject of Senator George Allen (R-Macaca) and his affiliation with Southern bigots.

Most embarrassingly for his re-election campaign, a picture came to light which shows G-Al with some old racist dudes and that actor they used to make fun of on The Simpsons:



We got a lot of letters on this topic, including one from a reader who calls himself "LF":

Dear Punditta,

Love your blog! It's almost as good as mine [link removed].

Looking at that Allen pic, I wanted to play One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other.


Let's see here: racist...racist...racist...racist...GUN NUT!

You see, they're NOT all the same!

Thanks, LF!

My readers never let me down. It was they who they tipped me off to a pic on the homepage of Senator Allen's 19-year-old niece, Ravel.

It turns out she has a lot in common with her Dixie-loving uncle. Ravel is such a Confederate-sympathizer, she still wears Daisy Dukes!:



Welcome to America, Ravel. That Southern charm really runs in the family, doesn't it?

Please, dear readers, copy, save and distribute before the Senator's campaign staff has Ravel's tasteful pose scrubbed from the Internets.

That's it for me!

'Ditta

Punditta furnishings provided by Time/Warner, Inc. Hair, makeup and wardrobe provided by BloggerGrrrl.