Axis of Easy Listening

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage! How embarrassing. I guess if changing your name, converting to Islam and supporting the Rushdie fatwa doesn't drive away the fans, nothing will.

This shouldn't have come as such as surprise though. A few commentators have noted the irony of hassling a Seventies folk-pop icon while Osama Bin Laden himself continues to ride through the desert on a horse with no name. But in fact, the FBI has been taking a hardline on soft rock for a number of years now, as demonstrated by this internal document recently obtained by Lomblog:




So far, they've busted up some K-Tel Mellow Gold training cells in Southern California, but The Eagles Greatest Hits remains a top-seller. Then there are the new wave of threats posed by artists like John Mayer and Norah Jones. Look for another round of red alerts when the Grammy nominations are announced early next year.

I wish I could say Cat's saga inspired me to start a crusade against the racial profiling of Muslims, but mostly I've just been listening to the audio track of my Harold And Maude DVD.

Unboarding the peace train,
LF

Memo To CBS: Stop The Lies

Now that Rathergate has seemingly run its course, much of the blogger hierarchy is taking a well-deserved victory lap. And we all know what happens when bloggers celebrate - Blockbuster has a run on hentai. But as much as I'd like to join the party, I just can't. Not when CBS continues to mislead the public.

Last night, I caught a few minutes of the travesty the network dubs its "top-rated sitcom":




No, that title is not a forgery; the series is actually called Everybody Loves Raymond. You'd think CBS would know by now not to make such bold claims until all the evidence has been substantiated. But apparently not. I guess the boys in the network brass find fakery acceptable as long as it contains a laugh track.

Once again, we are left with a series of unsettled and unsettling questions. How did the voices of dissent fall through the cracks - specifically, those that like Raymond but find his delivery mildly irritating? Or people without cable who merely tolerate Raymond because the only alternative is football. Did anyone at the Big Eye take the time to interview them? What about the millions unamused by observational comedy about family life? How about viewers that enjoy Raymond, but find the performances of Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle "too schticky"? Until CBS names its sources for Everybody and verifies the claim that they "love" Raymond, I will make this my personal hobby horse even if it results in only a miniscule increase of daily traffic.

Giddy up! Ol' LF is riding this one right into bigtime bloggerville!

Rather Duped

A sad day for American journalism. Tonight, we learned officially that CBS has lived up to its initials. Dan Rather apologized for his 60 Minutes 2 report on the president's National Guard service, admitting that the network can not "verify" documents central to the story. Now personally, I don't see why this is such a big deal. I haven't verified half the things I've posted, and no one's asking me to resign. But of course, the standards are higher for a major network, even one that once depicted Angela Lansbury as a homicide sleuth. Sadly, this scandal means we may never know the truth about President Bush's Guard duty. Did he really use his father's influence to avoid Vietnam and then skip out on his last year of flight training? Oh, wait....we've known that for years. But now we may never have some hard-to-make-out photocopied memorandums proving what we've known all along. A real tragedy.

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me! Your knowledge of 1970s typography is truly astounding...and pretty depressing.

This is just one more example of blogs getting out in front of major news well before the establishment press. Just look at some of the big stories blogs have broken this year:

· Robert K's pugs




· Jeff Milner's new haircut




· p3anut hates her new classes and really likes Chinese food




· And a very special night in the life of Instapundit




What of Rather himself? Well, my sources say the hard-hitting anchorman with the catchy Texas folk sayings is hoppin' mad. Who can blame him? After learning he was duped, he was probably more enraged than a rattlesnake drowning in a drainage ditch. Especially now, when he finds his credibility more tattered than a wasp flappin' its wings against a windshield wiper. And as he contemplates forced retirement, he's probably imagining a scene more liquored-up and tearful than a Tijuana campfire. As for the Republicans, they got to be happier than a coon hound lapping up toilet water. And President Bush? No telling, but I'm guessing he's....relieved like an incumbent realizing the mainstream media will be even more cowed into obedience. It's just like my Aunt Sally used to say, "Damnit, this homily-making is hard!"

100% authentic,

LF

NK's On The Nuclear Block?

Big story over the weekend:

Report: Major Explosion in North Korea

- The Associated Press, September 11, 2004

There are all kinds of reports and there are all kinds of assessments that are going on. Maybe it was a fire of some kind, a forest fire of some kind. But we don't believe at this point that it was a nuclear event.

- Condoleezza Rice, CNN Late Edition, September 12, 2004

Hmmm. A forest fire? Good to know the administration is on top of this one.




Next up,

Lomblog review: Passion Of The Christ on DVD...just in time for Rosh Hashana!

Is Lomblog Biased?

With the conventions over and yours truly no longer in the custody of NYC's finest, a little self-reflection is in order. While winning the traffic wars against more-established competitors like Eat Chicago and of course, sticks and string: a knitting blog, Lomblog is not without critics. In fact, some self-proclaimed media "watchdogs" will go to practically any lengths to disparage my good screen name. Luckily, I have a forum to respond.

But first the charges themselves. The following is an excerpt from the new book, Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire: How Lombaire Fan Slants The News, Distorts, Derides And Drives His Frustrated Readers To Write Angry Screeds With Maddeningly Long Subtitles (Thugnery Publishing; $18.95).

This book is the product of people who've had enough. Time and time again, Lombaire Fan has used his personal website to espouse his personal opinions. It's as if he feels he is somehow exempt from the rules of professional journalism simply because he is not a professional journalist. Now, no one questions Mr. Fan's right to express a dissenting view. What we question is his character, motives and right to express a dissenting view that differs from our own.

It would be one thing if Fan were upfront about his political beliefs. Then we would know not to trust him, and to begin a massive campaign of personal harrassment and intimidation of the chronic liar, his friends and family. But no, this so-called "blogger" is far too cowardly for that. When called upon to justify his demonstrated bias, the only defense offered is that he's "just funnin'" and "it ain't no thing". He's even gone so far as to call himself "a political independent" who votes for "the man, not the party, unless the party includes a rich assortment of gourmet cheese on Wheat Thins". Sorry, Lombaire Fan, you're not fooling anyone; your partisan disregard for the facts is almost as obvious as ours.

And the facts speak for themselves. Mr. Fan may occasionally call his blog "the no-crap zone", but a careful review of more than five posts he's published since last April show that 93% are composed of "crap" and another 7% "a squishy substance that resembles crap but can only stink worse because it comes out of Lombaire Fan". Over the next 3,321 pages, we will provide more statistics that bolster our case. And in the 2,829 pages after that, we will belabor the point further.

We can only hope that this publication will be a small step toward creating a media sphere where the likes of Lombaire Fan are no longer viable public voices with good credit.

I've been advised by my lawyers to say as little about this as possible. You know - loose lips sink blogs and all that. But suffice to say, all the mentions of "Lombaire Fan", "Lomblog" and "gourmet cheese" are violations of my intellectual property rights. As for the rest of it....well, if the writers of this libel think they're so hot, why don't they get their own blog and let's see it beat sticks and string!

By the way, none of the people responsible for this book have responded to my offer of a duel. Cowards.

Final Night Diary

Whew, what a week. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, trying to digest it all. Which would be a lot easier if I hadn't swallowed the worm at Sen. Rick Santorum's Bash For The Unborn all-night mixer. I know if Santorum had his way, this country would be a cloistered theocracy, but I must admit, the dude parties like it's 1959!

For the past four days, this whole city was infected with a Republican fever that is just now beginning to break. Watching late-night tv, one got a sense of just how welcoming New Yorkers can be: all the porn stars on local cable access were wearing elephant pins on their persons! At least, I think those were elephant pins.

Anyway, while I was on the floor during last night's pandemonium, I took a lot of notes. I've assembled them now for this very special LF Convention Diary:

9:30 PM - Well, the excitement is building as we prepare for the moment every delegate has been waiting for: Zell Miller biting the head off a live bat. No, no, we're waiting for the president's speech. And as in Boston, this place is packed with stars. Look, there's Bo Derek! And Wayne Newton! And Bo Derek again! And one of the Oak Ridge Boys! And the fat Baldwin brother! Seriously, there's so much glitz and glamour here, I feel like I've walked onto a 1982 episode of The John Davidson Show.

9:45 PM - Of course, some have wondered why the convention was held here in New York. Really, I think the selection made perfect sense. When most people think of New York, they think of Broadway, Woody Allen, carriage rides in Central Park....and Republicans. Yes, NYC and conservative politics just go together, like, well...Jerry Falwell and hordes of militant gay activists. Or neo-con Israeli hawks and the Nation of Islam. Or Washington-based libertarian think tanks and huge, public-sector-based unions. Yep, I can't think of any other city that would be more supportive of a Republican convention, except possibly San Francisco or Najaf.

For many attending the convention, this is their first visit to the Big Apple. And what wonderful memories they'll take home. Montana's delegation saw the Statue of Liberty; Nebraska took in a Broadway play; and Delaware shared a needle with a bald bisexual graffiti artist who lives in a small corner of Macy's. Yes, these are experiences they won't soon forget, especially when they wake up tomorrow morning with a tattoo that says PROPERTY OF BIG DONNIE.

9:59 PM - Now we're in the middle of a documentary retrospective on the Bush presidency. The 9-11 attacks are heavily featured. Very bittersweet for these Republicans, thinking back to a time when 3,000 Americans died, and the president's approval rating soared. I'm sure everyone in this building remembers where they were and what they were doing when that second Gallup poll hit the airwaves.

10:03 PM - The president has just arrived on stage and, wow, what a reaction. I thought these people were mostly BS'ing, but apparently, they really do want to re-elect him. The emotions are unreal, much like the promises. The woman next to me is crying her eyes out, and I don't even see Gov. Schwarzenegger standing anywhere near us. A Fox News correspondent just had an orgasm - I'm guessing, for the very first time. A man in the Pennsylvania delegation sacrificed a newborn calf in supplication. The whole place is chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" - now I know this has to be a gag. George W. Bush, you've been POTUS'ed!

10:14 PM - Uh oh. I feel a disruption coming on. Something's stirring in the crowd. Oh yes...if you're watching this on the networks, you probably don't know what's happening but you soon will. OMG, can you believe this?! With all the tight security!

Former Vice President Gore has just streaked the convention!



This is definitely going on the highlight reel! And I don't want to get too graphic here, but...NO RECOUNT NECESSARY! Gore's really trying to undercut the message that Democrats are "soft".

Prez looks a little rattled at first but seems to have recovered. Down in Texas, we call that "using a teleprompter".

10:45 PM - He's really on a roll now. Lot of terror talk but quite an ambitious domestic agenda too. Education, housing, and a prescription drug benefit for political parties that suffer from schizophrenia. Not sure where the money's going to come from...probably estate auction of the next Iraqi president.

11:11 PM - I think he's winding down now. At least I hope. I guess if you speak concisely, the terrorists will have won.

11:16 PM - Here come the balloons! And all the RNC speakers are up on stage - except for the Bush twins and Zell Miller, who've been dispatched to check out Hurricane Frances. The convention is over, and I loved every minute of it! Every hateful, brazenly hypocritical minute of it! If another Bush term doesn't see the Western world destroyed in a holy war conflagration with the Middle East, I have a feeling I'm going to love 2008 just as much.

Good times. New Yorkers are indeed a resilient lot. Three years ago, they survived the worst terror attack in our nation's history. And this week, they survived a Republican convention.

NYC, the occupation has ended! Freedom is yours! Get well soon!

More From NY: Night Of The Living Dick




LF here - attending the Republican National Convention so you don't have to. Closing night has arrived; we are just hours away from hearing the president of the United States present his plans for the next four years. Not only are Americans inside and outside the Garden on the edge of their seats with anticipation, millions of people in North Korea, Iran and Syria have already assumed a crouching position.

Whatever happens tonight, the president had quite a warm-up act on Wednesday. Easily the emotional high point of the convention thus far was the keynote address by Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat - yes, a Democrat for Bush! It was in this very arena that Miller gave the keynote at Bill Clinton's first convention in 1992, but he's become disillusioned with his party over the last twelve years, in which they've moved to the left to get away from him. Miller is known as a fiesty orator, and the minute he took the podium, it was clear the insanity level would be raised from Moderate to Severe. His voice dripping with contempt for everyone he's traditionally been associated with, the Democrat-turned-Democrat-in-name-only gave the kind of rip-roaring, sock-it-to-'em, stick-it-to-the-man stemwinder that hasn't been heard on a national stage since the Confederacy was defeated. Among the crowd, Miller whipped up a nationalistic fervor so intense, ABC's Peter Jennings used the 20 minutes he was off-air to renew his Canadian citizenship. He may be confused about which party he belongs to, but on one point, the Southerner was certain: George W. Bush is the only candidate for president who can stand up to our #1 menace.....anti-war demonstrators. Oh, and Al Qaeda.

Will Miller's aggressive tone turn off the swing voters? I don't know. He certainly fired up the delegates. I know many journalists referred to the speech as a "barn-burner" but that really understates it. From my vantage point on the floor, I felt like I was hearing a real old-fashioned church-burner! Of course, Zell's fellow Democrats aren't happy. But then, Miller hasn't left the party; the party left him...and might be well-advised to file a restraining order.




After the Georgia dynamo, Vice President Cheney's speech was as anti-climactic as Bob Dole without Viagra. But it did have its moments:

In Iraq , we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein . Seventeen months ago, he controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail.

When I first heard this, I missed the reference to Hussein and assumed he was referring to a former colleague at Halliburton.

Keepin' it real on the ultra-conservative tip,

LF

RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.