England's Pleading

Today, Private Lynndie England will plead guilty to charges in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse case. These prosecutions were a long time coming, and I think all Americans - including the Bush administration - are relieved to see at last justice done and goats scaped. After all, the president has laid down a clear marker: anyone who believes that torture and abuse are acceptable tools in US foreign policy is worth no more than the meaningless backwater post of Attorney General.

And this approach has been a success. In the year since the Abu Ghraib story broke, there has not been one published instance of an Iraqi detainee tortured by an American serviceperson on film or video. Woo hoo! Weez on a roll!

But what of young Lynndie England, earthy star of this pageant of pain? Well, hers is a cautionary tale. She was once America's Swinging Sixties sweetheart in films like Barbarella and Barefoot In The Park. Then she took a wrong turn and landed overseas. Soon, all the world saw her smiling alongside enemy combatants, appearing to cheer on their efforts to humiliate the United States by stripping naked and mounting a body-pile insurgency. Now she was a symbol to America's enemies and the very embodiment of the addle-brained radical-chic politics long associated with small-town West Virginia. Could she ever apologize enough to satisfy her critics? The whole furor came to a head last week when she visited St. Louis for a hood-signing and was spit on by an angry Vietnam vet who she refused to give a reacharound.

Note: portions of the above are recycled from my review of My Life So Far.

Lynndie could spend a maximum of eleven years in prison. That's a long time, but I'm sure she'll find plenty of interest when she's released and resumes her favorite hobby, posing for very authentic Civil War reenactment photos:



Coming up: Nutrient Found In Wendy's Chilli May Be A Hoax

It's A Bad Thing



July 16, 2004 will forever be known as the day the American judicial system jumped the shark. Like a stylishly modern-day Joan of Arc, Martha Stewart has been burned at the stake, with little more than courtroom sketch artists and news agency photogs on-hand to record the tragedy. Five months in jail - for what? Lying to investigators or introducing style and elegance to Kmart? I'm proud to say I did everything humanly possible to stop this travesty, but I am but one man with one copier. Despite my best efforts, the wheels of justice have rolled over Martha like an off-road minivan on a busy suburban thoroughfare. Maybe this is part of the Feds' top-secret plan to redecorate Camp X-Ray but that strikes me as unlikely. Not that there's any doubt of Martha's willingness to sacrifice for her country.

Only a few brave commentators, in addition to myself, have acknowledged what really happened here: MS was tried and convicted for the crime of being "too perfect." The jury box is now where the envious go to get their vengeance. And what's next - Katie Couric hung in the public square? Oprah and Steadman as the next Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? Nicole Kidman or Charlize Theron branded with a scarlet "TP"? Trust me, this is not a new lament; I've seen the success ladder from both ends and that ol' green demon has never reared its head out of me, except possibly in the case of Adam Ant. If someone is successful, I just assume they're my intellectual, creative and moral superior. If not...then something would have to be pretty screwed-up about this society of ours, wouldn't it?

I'm not saying Martha Stewart, to pick one example, shouldn't go to jail just because she's famous. What I'm saying is, the burden of proof has to be much higher when you're sentencing someone with a longterm syndication contract. Those who think there are no real-life repercussions to Martha's loss of freedom should check some Middle American flower beds in a couple of months. Soon we will know what it was like just after the fall of the Weimar Republic.

Of course, not all hope is lost. Martha's golden tresses will again be touched by the sunlight of liberty someday. That day may be even sooner than we think, if any fan finds her recipe for Coconut Almond With A Dash Of Metal File. Until then, even those who didn't follow her stock advice are poorer for her absence.