This Week's Web Poll

The summer movie season is winding down - in America and the Mideast. In many countries in that troubled region, Western blockbusters often undergo major revision before seeing release to the general public.

With that in mind, here's a list of Iran's top-grossing movies for the summer of '06. Pick your favorite.



Vote once, and vote nicely - before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad steals this poll for his blog.

HTML Tags Of Evil

Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now has his own blog. No, really.

This is a big development. Even those who heretofore downplayed the importance of blogs must admit the medium has come a long way in just a few short years. I believe President Ahmadinejad is the first government leader to share his thoughts in a widely available personal journal since Joseph Stalin in the late 1940's.



Now, unlike a lot of people, I haven't been a strong critic of Iran's new leader. In fact, I've always admired his personal style, which is kinda mod Sonny Bono. People call him a "madman", but to me, the jury is still out; for instance, he's yet to claim responsibility for the death of Jon-Benet Ramsey. When I first heard about his blog, I was completely ready to say, "Congrats, Mahmoud, and welcome to the mullahsphere."

But after having perused his site, well...let's just say that smoke you see is coming from my ears, not my laptop.

Ahmadinejad.jr - or as it shows up in my browser, ???????? - is an almost 100% rip-off of Lomblog. As they say on the Net, let's go to the screen capture:



Check it out. You have a sidebar, a poll, some links, and a photo of Mahmoud. Now, look closely at that photo: let's see.....he's sitting in a chair, he's casually dressed, he's sporting tres contemporary - and very rakish - facial hair.

Come now, who does that remind you of? Hint: scroll up. Scroll...keep scrolling, and look at the left-hand side of your screen.

Ok, I'm going to assume there's something wrong with your neck, or your mouse, and you can't do that. So here's a side-by-side comparison:



Yes, I couldn't believe it at first either. But faster than you could say "enriched uranium", there it was.

And a web poll too! Who's been doing polls on his site for more than two years? Hint again: the guy who's not being watched by the UN.

Mahmoud, I know what you're up to. Don't play the unsophisticated tyrannical rube with me. There's nothing wrong with paying homage to an earlier, greater peer. But thievery without credit or at least a place on the links list violates all the rules of blogging.

Sure, I might profit if I copied a few things from you. My traffic would surely spike if I dubbed the US "the Great Satan", called for the destruction of Israel or said the Holocaust was a "myth". But, in the parlance of today's youth, that's not the way I "roll". Unlike some who do what I do, I have a code of ethics embedded in my moral template. It's a code that reads "script=thou shalt/not steal".

Unfortunately, Ahmadinejad's blog has no e-mail link. I don't blame him; I'm sure he's tired of getting that "72 Virgins Want To Meet You In Heaven Now!!!" spam. But he does have a comments section. So if you could, please follow this link and tell the president of Iran to stop ripping me off.

The Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate, the One, the Only,

LF

Coming Up



Ceasefire broken, as Hezbollah fires laptops on Israel

A Lomblog Roundtable: The Mideast Crisis

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello! Welcome to my very first "virtual" roundtable.Yes, a roundtable - oh, I feel just like Dorothy Parker!

Our topic: the Middle East. The conflict between Israel and Lebanon has dominated headlines this week; it's even overshadowed the impending nuptials of Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. So I thought I'd invite some expert panelists to help us hash this crisis out before it becomes even more newsy.

Our guests are two men who know a lot, both about the Middle East and panel discussions. Christopher Hitchens is a British-born author and commentator who you may recognize from his many appearances on shows like Hardball With Chris Matthews and Real Time With Bill Maher. More likely, you recognize him from open-bar night at your local Bennigan's. Whatever the case, he has many fascinating insights into current events that will "virtually" astound anyone really impressed by accents.

Our other guest, Professor Juan Cole, is an expert in Middle East culture and history. He's also known for posing awkwardly in photos on the sidebar of his blog.

Welcome, gentlemen.

This week, the president weighed in. In a conversation he did not know was being recorded, he revealed that he plans to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to the region. Juan Cole, is there realistically anything the US can do to mediate in this situation?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Ugh. That is all I can say, LF. Three days after I first watched the Bush-Blair "dialogue", I still tremble at the thought that this simple-minded simpleton is making our foreign policy. In fact, as I ponder this Orwellian nightmare that all of us have lived through the past six years, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, I've now resigned myself to outright nausea for the remainder of this president's term.



In the face of images like this, I'd like to see Hitchens defend the indefensible - the Neocon policies that have led to so much death and destruction across the Middle East since the Iraq occupation began in 2003.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, that's a little off-topic, but what do you have to say, Chris?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
I have no idea why I accepted the invitation to appear on this squalid little blog with its horrid template and excreble writing standards. But I do like to see my name in bold text, even alongside this squalid little apologist for mullahs whose own excreble blog, Informed Comment, would be more aptly titled Misinformed Comment --

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Ha! Misinformed Comment - did you just come up with that?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
But setting that aside, I find it a bit galling that Mr. Cole would use the phrase "Orwellian." He must know that I wrote the definitive book on the subject of Orwell. Orwell's own great niece, CiCi, has said that only I, of all contemporary authors, hold my cigarette and frown in a manner reminiscent of the master himself. So the fact that the professor is now using language associated with me to attack my views shows you how debased the Left has become since they stopped inviting me to their parties. But I admit I've lost many friends since I decided to speak out against the Islamototaliterrofascithugs™ that only Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair have shown the courage to confront - bravely, if stupidly and disasterously.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Uh, Professor?

Juan Cole, author/academic
I'm pleased to see Hitchens acknowledge that Bush is stupid and disasterous. Now will he admit the rank depravity of what's taken place in Bush's torture cells?



Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait, isn't that a still from Scanners?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes. That movie is being used as a training film for US interrogators. Still, I'd like to see Hitchens defend this war in the face of images like that.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
As anyone who reads me knows, I've never supported the way this war has been conducted by the American administration; I've only supported it as an intellectual enterprise.

But from perusing Mr. Cole's online photo gallery, it doesn't surprise me that he's too myopic to understand the nuances of my position.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hey now - that's getting a little personal...

Juan Cole, author/academic
OK, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!! I'm going to post a picture of what Hitchens' liver must look like!



I'd like to see him defend his chronic drinking habit in the face of images like that.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Professor! Ewww.

Anyway, we're out of time. We got pretty far afield, and never really did discuss Israel and Lebanon. Will the two of you come back for another roundtable?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes, when I finish trembling.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
Possibly. But not tomorrow - I have two C-SPAN bookings and a Dixie Chicks/Cindy Sheehan appearance to heckle.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Great. Until then, I'll see all of you in the peace and security of cyberspace.

Adieu for today!

BREAKING: Israel Attacks Zidane

PARIS - A tense world situation grew even more tense tonight, with news that Israel has attacked the practice space of controversial French soccer star Zinédine Zidane.



This explosive yet seemingly inevitable development comes one week after Zidane headbutted an Italian player at World Cup, and three days after the strike on South Lebanon by Israeli forces.

So far, it is believed that Mr. Zidane was unharmed in tonight's raid, as he was apologizing elsewhere when the bombs struck. But the symbolic import of this unprecedented clash between Mideast powerhouse and midfield power player can not be overstated.

Many longtime Middle East observers are tonight asking "Why?" Why would Israel choose to assault a French soccer compound when it's already fighting a two-front war in its home region? My sources in Jerusalem list these reasons:

1) Mr. Zidane is a Muslim - a strong, agile Muslim given to provocative gestures. While he's never explicitly called for the destruction of Israel, he's never explicitly not called for it either.

2) The practice space in question may be a hiding place for Hamas and Hezbollah secret agents, many of whom must have been encouraged by the hero's welcome Zidane received after the headbutting incident.

3) As it never qualified for this year's World Cup, Israel is in a unique position to take a stand against poor sportsmanship.

4) It's the weekend - time to cut loose.

Now, more background on the participants in tonight's match, Zizou vs. the Zionists.

First, Israel:

• It's been playing internationally since 1948.

• Nickname(s): "The Jewish state"; "The Jewish homeland".

• Playing style: It's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but sometimes it makes nice.



And Zinédine Zidane:

• He's been playing internationally since 1994.

• Nickname(s): Zizou; Butthead.

• Playing style: He's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but he too sometimes makes nice.



Good luck, gentlemen (and ladies)!

We'll have more on this story as events develop.........

Cartoon Stirs International @#%!Storm

Well, the Muhammed cartoon controversy continues to rage. Not since Gary Larson drew the ire of Hindus for his portrayal of cows in The Far Side series has the world witnessed an uproar like this. Things have gotten so bad that tourists in Muslim-dominated countries have been advised to return home as quickly as possible, and to absolutely, positively avoid doodling.

The cartoons, originally published in Denmark, have yet to be reprinted in the US. Also, as a preemptive measure of sorts, major American cartoonists have begun reaching out to the Islamic community:



Like many in my field - such as it is - I've done a lot of thinking on this topic. For rarely have my private and public values - such as they are - come into such stark conflict. I am, of course, a staunch proponent of the Muslim cause. But the TV scenes of violent protest leave a queasy feeling in my stomach, and not just because the phrase "burning Danish consulate" stirs up improper hunger pangs. It seems that despite my best efforts, the angry, Allah-fearing youth of the Middle East have yet to really "lighten up." As with our efforts to promote Arab democracy, it may take decades, even centuries for Muslims to understand, much less embrace the hip, irreverent, let-it-all-hang-out humor that's become synonymous with both Lomblog and Scandinavians.

Every culture has its own concept of "funny": The French laugh at slapstick; the British, drag humor; the Germans, the futility of existence. This is why accomplished humorists and raconteurs so often tailor their remarks to fit the tastes and mores of whatever audience they happen to speak before.

For instance, whenever I talk to a AIPAC meeting, I like to begin with this joke:

Q. What's the first thing Yasir Arafat heard when he went to Heaven?

A. Sorry, wrong door - we thought you were Ringo Starr!

But when I speak at a Hamas fundraiser, this is how I like to start:

Q. What's the first thing Ariel Sharon will hear when he goes to Heaven?

A. Ariel Sharon will not go to Heaven. He will burn in the putrid bowls of Hell along with the other infidels, butchers and defiers of God's will who have bloodied the people of Palestine. All hail Hamas!

Either way, the line kills. Which I think proves that we all have a lot more in common than we realize.

Is there a solution on the horizon? I see only one: President Bush should appoint a special humor envoy to the Middle East. Someone who understands the sensitivities of the region but has a real desire to rebuild and reshape the Islamic fundamentalist funnybone. If Danny Thomas were still alive, he would be perfect for this. Since he's not, I suggest Robin Williams. He has an international following, voiced a character in Aladdin and has that manic quality the Arab street seems to appreciate. Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing conveys desperation like Robin whipping out a Richard Simmons bit from 1987. But even that would bring the Muslim world one baby step closer to understanding contemporary satire.

Must dash - I have to polish up my entry in Iran's "Make A Funny Blog About The Holocaust" contest.

Yours,

LF

Why I Was Away

Well, I'm back. As always after a brief hiatus, I feel the need to explain my absence. No, I haven't "sold out" by turning "pro" or getting married, like some bloggers. But the honeymoon is over. What honeymoon, you ask? The one between Lomblog and the emerging pro-democracy movements of the Middle East.

Let me explain. Shortly after my last post, I headed for Israel with a friend I met at Carrie Fisher's Oscar party - and honestly, I'm just as lucky to have survived that! This guy happened to be an old hand in the LA comedy scene, who had closely followed my work on international issues. After a couple of Mai Tais, the two of us got to talking - seriously - about comedy, as well as the remarkable "winds of change" then sweeping the Mideast landscape. It was only a matter of time before we stumbled upon an idea that coupled both our interests: an all-Islamic improvisational comedy theater, built right in the heart of the Gaza Strip. Or as we came to call it, The Second Settlement. Not one to waste time or frequent-flyer miles, I immediately booked us a flight at LAX.

Those first few days were easily the best part of the trip. In Palestine, we found some major talent: guys like Jimmy Mustafa, "man of a thousand militant voices"; and Khalid Carrell, whose impersonation of Simon Cowell at the Wailing Wall was literally dynamite. But the cast was not yet complete. So we decided to make a brief stop in Beirut, Lebanon which friends informed us was bursting with comedic talent.

Well, the place was bursting alright - with demonstrators. Angry, chanting, utterly humorless demonstrators. It was like the 1960s all over again, without the music, "good vibes" and charmingly scruffy nakedness. We couldn't have lunch in any of the outdoor cafes without some bellicose delinquent screaming slogans at us. Finally, I gently inquired to what was - unhappily for me - an English-speaking dissident: "What's with these protests? I know President Assad is a jerk and all, but you people are carrying on like someone died!" Very, very poor choice of words, especially while standing in a place called Martyr's Square. If only I'd been briefed on the situation beforehand. In any case, I was knocked out cold.

A photographer captured the scene just seconds after my assault:



I did not regain consciousness for another 28 days. It wasn't a really deep coma but I probably caught more z's than an Kenneth Branagh/Emma Thompson film festival. Eventually, I was hooked to a feeding tube. It was an act of compassion that would trigger a nationwide firestorm.

It started when the Lebanese, not wishing to antagonize the US at a particularly sensitive time, issued this photo to prove I was still alive and well:




A backlash quickly followed. In a Muslim culture far more accepting of death than many Westerners', there was outrage that I was being kept alive through artificial means. The anger was compounded by the incredible cost of both the feeding tube and around-the-clock security required for my protection. Within days of the photo's release, crowds began to form outside the hospital. Just under my window they began a loud chant: "Let the American die!" That's when I came to.

Now here I am, with a lot of catching up to do. In my month away from America and Lomblog, I received over a dozen e-mails and letters of concern from friends, family and collection agencies. I also learned that this "friend" and erstwhile business partner had moved into my apartment, supposedly in accordance with requests in my "living will". That will have to be worked out in court.

Until then, I will push for a nationwide "LF's law". Never again should an American's life and livelihood be threatened by Arab "reformers" and their selfish demands for political freedom.

Vengeance will be mine!

Yasir, We Hardly Knew Ye

Yesterday, a remarkable individual passed away. As one who has championed the cause of Palestinian statehood ever since it was first explained to me, the loss of Yasir Arafat hit me at gut level. Me and the Big Y may not have agreed on every issue - such as the use of terrorism to advance political aims - but he sure had my respect. A larger than life figure, Arafat's passing leaves a void in the Middle East, which can be filled with just so much death and destruction. But it won't be the same without him.

I think all of us will remember where we were and what we were doing when we first heard the news that Yasir was dead. I was driving to a 2 pm showing of Shark Tale. I felt sad - for Mrs. Arafat and the Palestinian people. As sad as I was that day, I was even sadder the second time I learned of his death, three days later. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing; the second and third Arafat "deaths" have kind of blurred together in my mind. Oh! - I was polishing my new end table. And the third time? Well, I'm pretty sure I just had the tv on in the background and wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. "Ho hum, Arafat's dead again" - no, seriously, if I had been watching, I'm sure I would've been very distraught.

So thank you, Yasir, for your steady leadership in times of change. We may not have always agreed with you, or even known whether you were alive or dead, but we always knew where you stood. And for that, you'll always have an uncontested homeland in our hearts.

Bush on Arab Radio

Most of the news outlets covered the president's recent appearances on Arab TV but very few have taken note of his visit to Arab radio. On Friday, the White House arranged a special apology call-in to Mecca's most popular drive-time radio show, Abdullah In The Morning ("The Morning Intifada"). Fortunately, the show is simulcast live each day on Al-Arabiya and a transcript has been obtained by Lomblog.



ABDULLAH: Mr. President, good to have you here.

BUSH: Thank you, Abdullah...A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I gotta say - all politics and religion aside - you're a brave man for joining us today, because as our regular listeners and viewers know, we like to send the president up from time to time -

BUSH: Yes, I heard you been sendin' me up.

ABDULLAH: Right, like the sketch we played earlier where your daughter Jenna was sold to a camel-herder. But you know, it's nothing personal, sir. Now tell us why you're phoning in - I understand you came here to apologize? Our audience is about 80% militants, so I feel this is a good place to get the message out.

BUSH: Yes, this is a good place to get the message out.

ABDULLAH: And what message would you like to get out this morning, Mr. President?

BUSH: That...this is not...how Americans behave. We don't...torture people. That we don't engage in acts of...torture. That we don't go up to people in the Middle East and...torture them. And that's what I'm tryin' to say.

ABDULLAH: And you're referring to your membership in Skull and Bones?

BUSH: (Laughs) Well, I'm not alone on that, A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I know. Seriously, I haven't been following the news very closely - I've been busy at the ranch - but I have my TiVo set to "iraqi prisoner abuse", so maybe I can catch up this weekend.

BUSH: Well, I just want to say before you watch the TiVo that...this is not how Americans behave. We don't abuse people. We don't.....abuse prisoners. We don't go up to people.......and abuse them. And that's what I'm tryin' to say, and I hope that message gets out.

ABDULLAH: And I think the message is getting out, Mr. President. We have millions of listeners all over the Middle East and just this week we picked up two affiliates in the West Bank.

BUSH: Congratulations.

ABDULLAH: Wait a minute - Jamir, my producer, just whispered in my headset that one of those stations was bulldozered, but hopefully someone else will pick us up.

BUSH: Hope so.

ABDULLAH: Now what about Secretary Rumsfeld? Is he going to have to quit? I was talking to Majif Beraini of the Baghad Globe -

BUSH: Good man.

ABDULLAH: And he told me that looking into Rumsfeld's eyes is like peering into the very bowels of Satan himself. What's he like in cabinet meetings?

BUSH: No, uh....A....Secretary Rumsfeld...is a good man. He's been a good secretary of defense. He has a good heart. And I've looked into this good man's good heart and I know that he would never approve of torturing people. And if someone came to me and they said that...Secretary Rumsfeld...was torturing people....or he somehow approved of people being tortured....or there were pictures of him torturin'...Abdullah...this administration would move heaven and earth to make sure those pictures were never published. And you can count on that.

ABDULLAH: Very strong statement.

BUSH: It's how I feel. And that goes for all the other cabinet secretaries too.

ABDULLAH: Well, it's appreciated. You know, you and I have something in common actually.

BUSH: We do?

ABDULLAH: Yes, we have some mutual friends in the States: the bin-Ladens. Before people get confused, that's Billy bin Laden and his wife Janice. They have a catering service in Washington.

BUSH: Catered my inaugural. Good man.

ABDULLAH: Right, very good man. Nothing like his cousin.

BUSH: No.

ABDULLAH: So if you run into him sometime in DC, please say hello for me.

BUSH: Will do. And I'll apologize to him too.

ABDULLAH: Yes, thank you. That would be very considerate. Anyway, I'd like to thank you for joining us.

BUSH: No problem, A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I know your schedule is very tight and it's very late where you are -

BUSH: Again, no problem. I wake up every morning at 5:00 am to do my calisthenics and get briefed on the latest casualty reports so....I've been up almost as early as this.

ABDULLAH: Our best to you and Laura, and good luck with the occupation. Our special guest, President Bush. And for those of you that think we're leaning to one side or the other, Muqtada al-Sadr will be joining us next week.