Summer Roadtrip

Soon it will be Memorial Day in the United States, traditionally considered the unofficial start of summer. But rest assured, Lomblog will not be resting on its fat laurels anytime soon. I'm hitting the road, not - as the English put it - "on vacation, old chap", but in hot pursuit of the news. Yes, I plan on providing live on-the-spot coverage of all the major events of the summer: concert festivals (Rock for Martha!), the two political conventions, the demonstrations outside (bring on the teargas!) and whatever bogus terror alerts are announced in advance of each. Why, I may even blog from the Olympics in Athens, if I can find an angle more interesting than that "indomitable glory of the human spirit" crap. So if you loved our coverage of Cannes, you're going to even more love what we're planning for the months and weeks ahead. But I can't do it without your help.


Although this site is still technically free to produce, our operating expenses are growing each day. Just last week, I had to replace my "Shift" key and buy an extra floppy disk to hold the various permutations of the "Cheese Or Lose" graphic. Rest assured, I'm not asking for a million dollars - though that would be real nice. Just anything you can contribute at the moment would help. The Lombaire Foundation can not do it alone. So if you'd like to help, send your cash or check to:

Lombaire Fan
Hollywood, California
The United States of America

Or, to deposit directly to my bank account:

Juerg Swenderson
Geneva, Switzerland

Ok, uh - you're going to have to use the e-mail link for more details and legal advice on that one. I don't have a Paypal account yet; I just don't trust online banking, I worry it's all a ruse to trap people into one of those Pete Townsend-style sting operations. Still, who am I to argue with financial progress?

With your support (and a few national calamities), this could be my most exciting summer yet!

An Apology

Ever since Lomblog first began publication in April 1974, we've prided ourselves on a rigorous honesty, consummate professionalism and groundbreaking use of Photoshop. In fact, the LBG's reputation for reliability has been so solid over the years that many longtime readers have affectionately dubbed us "the blog of record" and "the Old Off-White Lady." But as Brett Michaels long ago reminded us, every rose has its thorn. Likewise, every successful journalism venture has its bad days, months and years. Since I can not run from the past forever (though I'm hoping that feature becomes available with the next server upgrade), I believe it is time now to forthrightly own up to some of the mistakes of this blog's recent history, even if they reflect badly on myself and even more badly on others.

Many were surprised last year that I editorialized so vociferously in support of the Iraq war. It was, after all, just months earlier that I helped Yusef Islam, the former Cat Stevens, organize the Do They Know It's Ramadan? benefit single for starving Taliban. Old friends (at least the ones that would answer my calls) repeatedly asked, "What's gotten in to you?" Well, a couple of things really. One, I was dumped by a peace activist (whose "peace" was a little too "active", if you know what I mean). The split came at a particularly sensitive time in my career when I was still struggling to get noticed and break out of the "one-hit-a-day" box. Amid the confusion and heartbreak, I took refuge in the Pentagon's little-known Adopt-A-Blogger program. Courtesy of the Defense Department, I was granted 500 gb of free storage and page templates specially designed by Haliburton. There was only one catch: everything I wrote had to advance the case for war. It sounded almost too good to be true! And like "New Coke" or Van Halen's reunion with David Lee Roth, it was.

When I look back at some of what I wrote back then, I can't help but feel a little chagrined. I cringe aloud when I read posts like "Finding WMD In Iraq: It's Only A Matter Of Time", "Iraqi WMD: It Is Sooo There" and "WMD: If Iraq Doesn't Have It, I'll Apologize To Everyone, Stop Writing Forever And Never Have Intercourse Again." Equally embarrassing were my profiles of various figures involved in the occupation, such as "Ahmad Chalabi: Last Honest Man In Baghdad" and "Lynndie England: Small-Town Girl Made Good." I was also excessively optimistic, as in my May 11, 2003 post, "Cakewalk!: Why Creating Democracy In An Arab Country Rife With Religious Tension Will Be Easy As Pie." Oh well, as they say, only hindsight is 20/20.

Far less forgivable are the pieces I wrote condemning those that spoke out against the war. I called Al Gore an "un-American panty-waist" and Tipper Gore a "panty-waisted un-American." I was vicious toward celebrity anti-war activists, writing that Sean Penn ought to "go back to Mother Russia" and Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplan ought to "go back to that same old place that you laughed about." Even worse, I gratuitously insulted whole nations that refused to go along with our policies. Never did I stoop so low as to refer to my beloved French as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" but I did call the Swiss "surrender-eating cheese monkeys" and the Zairians "monkey-eating surrender Cheez-Its."

Well, now it turns out the last laugh was on me. Yes, the blood is on my hands, and unlike the time I wore a "pimpin'" mohair to a PETA benefit, there's no solvent in the world that can get it out. What have I learned from all this? First, never sacrifice your objectivity to curry favor with any administration that isn't at least ten points ahead in the latest public opinion polls. Second, never advocate for large-scale, precedent-shattering foreign policy initiatives when you're still "on the rebound."

I only regret that so many innocent lives had to be lost to make me a better blogger.

Lomblog Classics Restored!

You've probably seen me mention - actually, "mewl" might be more apt - a time or two that some classic Lomblog posts from the archives had disappeared from the site recently. Well, apparently, the commercial pressure applied by my readers on Blogger, Google, and all related products has prompted a reversal of this egregious injustice. The four missing posts (here, here, here and here) have now been fully restored (courtesy Graham of the Blogger Support team) in special deluxe editions that include all the original writing and graphics. Not a moment too soon, as I understand bootleg copies of these files have been turning up on e-bay recently, with bids going as high as 55¢ - and no, that is not a typo. (I used Buy-It-Now) So click the links above if you want to check out posts you missed when they first appeared, revisit old favorites, or just take a look back at what life was like in the olden days of early May, 2004. After all, I originally wrote these items with the idea that anyone could read them, not just the obsessive collector-types that have to have everything I ever put my screenname on, no matter the strain on the wallet (though that's an impulse I understand completely).

Join me tomorrow for a very special Lomblog that will forever change the way you look at teenage eating disorders.

The President's Speech

Well, flunk me out of journalism school, but I happened to miss President Bush's Iraq address tonight. Yes, I know this was a different kind of programming but I just haven't had a lot of patience with prime-time TV since "The Jerry Steinfeld Show" was canceled. Plus, I'm just now beginning to unwind from Sunday's flight back from France and the pre-departure interrogation (my bad, I thought there'd be an exemption from this "no-box-cutters" rule for people that are just trying to get the Cracker Jack prize out). What I did catch later was this clip of the President having a bit of trouble pronouncing "Abu Ghraib." Naturally, this has inspired a song:

You say 'Abu Ghah-rib'
And I say 'Abu Ghuh-rib'!

You say 'Abu Ghah-rib'
I say 'Abu Ghuh-rib'!

Abu Ghah-rib!
Abu Ghuh-rib!

Abu Ghah-rib!
Abu Ghuh-rib!

Let's blow the whole thing up!

I sure hope this post doesn't end up in Blogger Heaven, like so many of the others. My lawyers are going to need it for when that schmaltzy old ham Billy Crystal tries to steal this tune at next year's Oscars. Everyone that's reading this is a potential witness.

But really, I'm not sure what to think of this idea of demolishing the prison. On the one hand, the mere physical presence of Abu Ghraib is a living stain on the memories of Iraqis and Americans alike. On the other, if Ann Coulter marries OJ Simpson, where will they honeymoon?

Your friend in letters,

LF

The President's Injury

Well, here I am, back on American soil again but still carrying the memories of Cannes close to my heart. Can you imagine going from my current residence in Hollywood to a place where talent and originality is actually appreciated and rewarded? It's like stepping into another dimension! Which is why I'm sooo relieved to be back home.

Anyway, speaking of hitting the dirt, the president took a nasty spill off a mountain bike yesterday. I frankly don't see why this is national news. Everyone has accidents from time to time, whether you're the president or some goofball baby-boomer showing off on a weekend retreat. Frankly, the CiC is to be admired for the example he's setting in biking rather than driving during this time of high gas prices. I was also relieved to learn that he was wearing a helmet and a mouthguard; if JFK had been that protected in Dallas, we might not have lost our national innocence for another four or five years. Still, this photo of Mr. Bush and his wounds is pretty gruesome.



Ouch! Talk about taking it on the chin - that is one nasty scrape the president has caused for himself! It's going to take a long time for that one to heal. I wonder if his handlers can cover it up before his big speech tomorrow.

Palmes Away

LF back again, still soaking up the sun, the superstars and the disgusted looks from Frenchmen who mistake me for Lynndie England (I have got to get a haircut). But before I provide a recap of the day's big festivities, I just want to apologize for the lack of posts yesterday. I actually had a big piece all saved up and ready to go when I was...well, there's no other word for it...forcibly removed from the venue where I was writing. And let this be a lesson for all Americans who are planning a visit: France's government may call itself "Socialist" but five hours at a computer terminal in a Cannes internet cafe is not free. Since I had already used up all my Francs Euros on a visit to Lombaire's boyhood home (the bedroom still smells like Camembert) and an original vinyl copy of Serge Gainsbourg Comes Alive!, there was pretty much no way out of this one. Oh well. As I learned from the locals, there's a lot of history here. So temporary embarrassment will never diminish the knowledge that I actually sat in the same seat in the same building where Ernest Hemingway learned java.



I guess I don't have to tell you that my travails are not the biggest story out of Cannes this weekend. No, the news that cineasts the world over were waiting for was the announcement of this year's winner of the Palme d'Or, which translated into English means, literally, "box office poison." The prize was claimed by Michael Moore's much-discussed Fahrenheit 9/11. Clearly, the jury wanted to make a political statement with this selection. And that statement was: Disney...stay out of Iraq! I can't say I disagree; Michael Eisner's plan for a Fallelujah monorail service is clearly misguided.

Nonetheless, this was a very significant achievement for Moore, not only because I haven't seen the film yet but this is the first time a documentary has won at Cannes since Jacques Cousteau's The Silent World. Incidently, that was a very controversial movie in its day, mostly for the footage Cousteau secretly recorded of a young Charlton Heston shooting up a school of fish ("You'll take this water cannon from my cold, wet hands!"). Needless to say, MM is in very fine company and I can't wait to see him in scuba gear - 20,000 Leagues Under The CIA Director perhaps?

I just hope all this attention and acclaim doesn't go to Michael's head until he becomes one of those preachy, self-righteous show-business windbags that think we all give a hoot about his political views. It's like when Bob Dylan recorded "Hurricane". I thought, "Great groove, and I really like the idea of releasing a black man from prison, but whatever happened to that loveable mop-top that sang 'Lay Lady Lay' and 'The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll'? Will we ever get him back?" Evidently Bob heard my query and came back a few years later with his #1 disco hit, "Gotta Serve Somebody." Likewise, I applaud the Big M for his artistic daring, but when is he going to go back to making those old-fashioned, Laurel and Hardy-style knee-slappers he did with David Spade in the mid-Nineties? I'll be the first in line when he does.

Anyway, there's a lot more I could say but I'm still waiting for better distribution.

Quentin Disses Lombaire

As you know, I've been very busy in Cannes this week, living high and tipping low. Because of this, I haven't always been able to keep up with the actual festivities that have been taking place here. But this story - and a particular quote contained herein - did manage to catch my eye:

Tarantino takes French arts prize


Francophile

Tarantino told reporters he became familiar with France through watching film.

"That's how I became a Francophile, not by going here, I couldn't," he said.

"It was from watching French movies and learning about French culture through its cinema, through the eyes of its greatest directors and its stars."

He named French filmmaker Jean-Pierre Melville as his inspiration. "He gave the impression that if you love movies enough you can't help but make a good one."

Well, isn't that delightful - Quentin calls himself a "Francophile" (careful about the self-descriptions, QT, before the LAPD confuses you with the King of Pop) and cites a French director so obscure even I haven't heard of him. Apparently, Mr. Tarentino thinks it would be gauche to acknowledge the influence of the man who is truly his greatest artistic influence, one Ferdinand Jean Lombaire.

We all know that the "Le Big Mac" dialogue exchange in Pulp Fiction was heavily influenced by Lombaire, joining together as it did two of Lombaire's greatest latter-day obsessions, processed cheese and Jheri Curl (In certain circles, Lombaire is still known as "the sixth Debarge"). He was also one of the first directors to mix ultra-violence with humor, as he did in his 1968 black comedy about the Donner party, Une Chose Drôle Est Arrivée Sur Le Chemin À La Californie (A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To California). And long before Tarantino made Jackie Brown with Pam Grier, Lombaire sought to revive the career of another major "blaxploitation" star by casting Rudy Ray "Dolemite" Moore as Napoleon in the little-seen direct-to-video historical drama, Bonaparte Like It's 1799. Lastly, Tarantino's much-fabled "jump-cut" editing style can be seen in almost all of Lombaire's films, but especially the ones that run less than four hours.

Of course, Quentin can cite whatever influences he likes; in this French panderfest, I'm surprised he didn't mention Jerry Lewis. But why he had to add insult to injury by suggesting that Pierre Melwhoever showed him, "if you love movies enough you can't help but make a good one", I'll never know. Is Tarantino saying, by implication (and that truly is the French way), that Lombaire didn't "love" movies enough? My goodness, Lombaire loved movies like they were his own children - and not in a Woody Allen-type way either! Maybe Quentin will clear up this confusion when we meet tomorrow at the Cannes premiere of New York Minute.

Letter From Martha

(My Cannes adventure continues - Audrey Tautou can't get enough of me - but I'm still keeping in touch with the proverbial "peeps" back home. In fact, one very special friend wrote to me just today. Because of the urgency of this message, I've decided to publish the full e-mail here, as well as add a few notes of my own in parentheses.)



Dear Friends Lombaire Fan:

While the legal process in my case continues to unfold, many of you
keep asking if there is anything you can do to help. (This is Martha's way of saying she knows I've "got her back") Since I
established my website nearly a year ago, it has received over 33
million hits - and more than 150,000 supportive emails. (Check your inbox, Martha - there's a lot more on the way!) I can't tell
you how much this continued outpouring of positive messages means to
me. (It's no biggie; I know you'd do the same if I were falsely convicted)

If you are so inclined (as if there's any doubt!), there are some things you can do that would
make a difference not only to me, but also to Martha Stewart Living
Omnimedia and its employees, business partners and customers who have,
unfortunately, been impacted by my personal legal situation:

* If the local broadcast affiliate in your area has discontinued
my television program, you can write to the station manager to ask
that it be reinstated for the remainder of this season. Several
stations have put the show back on the air in response to viewer
requests. (I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, the station manager for my affiliate tends to sidestep my questions with replies like "How did you get my address?" and "Why did you call my daughter's middle school?")

* You can subscribe to our magazines -- Martha Stewart Living,
Everyday Food, Weddings and Kids. They remain full of the kind of
creative homekeeping and entertaining ideas you simply can't find
anywhere else. (This is just like Oscar Wilde: the minute you make an impact in the worlds of both fashion and literature, they throw you in the slammer)

* You can visit KMart and enjoy the wonderful assortment of
Everyday products for your home. Our products continue to embody the
very highest standards in quality and design. (I applaud KMart for their courage in standing up to the witchhunters)

* You can visit and browse our Catalog for
Living to find incomparable recipes, insightful gardening information,
and a myriad of other ideas to make your home an even more special
place. Check out our line of Signature furniture, paint, flooring and
fabric products. (I'd sure like to but if there's anything I learned in high school, it's that I can only be alone with paint for so long)

And, of course, you can keep sending your kind messages to me here at marthatalks.com. It lifts my spirit beyond measure to know that
there are so many of you who care about what I do, what Martha Stewart
Living does, and what we stand for. (Be there not a soul so dead it is unmoved by this woman's courage)

You have my most sincere thanks for your steadfast support.

Sincerely,

Martha Stewart



***If you wish to be removed from this email list, please REPLY to
martha@marthatalks.com with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the SUBJECT
line***

Censored!

LF here - still in Cannes, still hobnobbing with the Beautiful People. Why, just this morning I saw Tom Hanks himself! Yes, the Tom Hanks, the man that put the "Turner" in Turner & Hooch! Tom Hanks - talk about a Big star, a man who's been down the Road To Perdition and is Bosom Buddies with Private Ryan himself! A Castaway who went out to The 'Burbs in Philadelphia and found he had Nothing In Common with...ok, that's about the extent of my Tom Hanks film knowledge. Truly, I did see him, and he really is one of the nicest stars in Hollywood. Almost five minutes passed before he told me to put the camera away while his family was eating, and trust me, I never lasted that long with Bobby Blake!

But as interesting as all that is, that's not why I'm posting tonight. You may have noticed that a number of technical difficulties have afflicted the Lomblog site in recent days: disappearing posts, missing pictures and incomplete archives. Now, I could pass all this off as our attempt to be "avant-garde" but anyone who wasn't born on the turnip truck yesterday can tell you what's really going on: intentional cyber-sabotage designed to muzzle my artistic voice! Let me draw the lines and connect the dots for those not in the know: Blogger is owned by Google. Google is owned by the Unification Church, which is headed by the Rev. Sun Yung Moon, who has donated billions of dollars to the Republican party. The Rev. Moon is also a member of the exclusive Bohemian Grove country club, and in all likelihood, has seen the President, the Vice President and Donald Rumsfeld naked. I'm not alleging a shadowy conspiracy to keep Lomblog down, but if I disappear from the face of the Internet for a few days, it won't be because I've gotten lazy or uninspired and couldn't think of anything to write; it'll be because powerful forces are working overtime to make me lazy, uninspired and unable to write.

Of course, it is a Worldwide Web, so Google is not the only flame in town when it comes to blogging. During my time at Cannes, I've already been approached by several European distributers who said they'd be happy to publish the site on their servers if I were to include more pictures of Avril Lavigne. It's nice to see the torch of artistic freedom is still burning brightly somewhere on the globe.

LF At Cannes!

Heads up, Lomblog-aholics - I've landed on the shores of the cinema-lovers paradise, in the homeland of Lombaire himself! Yes, I'm writing to you live (unless you're reading this after it's published) from the Cannes Film Festival. Unfortunately, I got here a little late - I always have passport issues - so I happened to miss last night's highly anticipated first screening of Michael Moore's Farenheit 9/11. No big whoop - I'm sure I'll see it on the plane next time I fly with the Saudi royal family. But I did manage to do more than my fair share of star-gazing.

The beautiful but frail Penelope Cruz has been hitting the town, sans her ex-flame Tom. Frankly, while I don't wish ill on any celebrity romance, I was kinda glad to see those two split. To me, that whole Cruise-Cruz thing was just a little too incestuous. C'Mon, Tommy boy - I know there's a lot of kinks out there but this is Hollywood, not Chinatown! Speaking of big stars from the Eighties, I also saw Eddie Murphy, making the rounds for the new Shrek sequel. You know, even before the talking animal movies, I always loved Eddie. I was actually fortunate enough to go to one of his Christmas parties a few years ago. And whatever else you say about him, there's no doubt Eddie loves Christmas. Yes, I don't think there's anything in the world that he likes more than reaching into a stocking and pulling out a candy cane! SNAPS! OH NO, I did not! But seriously, no one would enjoy that joke more than Eddie himself fifteen years ago.

Also in attendance was Quentin Tarantino, who is actually heading up the jury that will judge this year's films. Quentin Tarantino as a jury head - now that is a fascinating concept, and I hope it inspires American Idol to impanel Courtney Love. And it's not just the film-makers who are here - some of America's best-known film-watchers have been crawling about too. Harry Knowles, the man who's issued so many "spoiler alerts" online, was spotted at one of Cannes' infamous nude beaches. Allow me to issue a spoiler alert of my own: Harry ought to think about changing the name of his site to the Ain't It Small News. I'm sorry, Harry - you deserve that after you ruined the ending of Passion.

Tomorrow, I hope to actually see some films, and maybe blackmail Roger Ebert into writing a forward to my next book. Til then....au revoir from the land of Lombaire!

A Visit With The Lomblog Election Desk



A recent study of 18-to-35-year-olds that I personally know determined that the majority get their news and information from Lomblog. With that in mind, I felt now would be a good time to check in with the site's election desk, headed by our National Affairs editor William Sliender. William is a senior fellow of Self-Evident Political Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent study of the 2004 campaign, Too Close To Call: This Election Is Too Close To Call, appears in this month's Atlantic Monthly. He discussed his findings with me earlier this evening.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Thank you for joining us, William. So Bill, exactly how close is this election?

WILLIAM SLIENDER: This election is sooo close that if the election were held today, literally either candidate could win.

LF: And is that unusual?

WS: Yes. In most elections, only one candidate wins.

LF: And why is the race so close?

WS: Simply put, the country is very polarized. It's a fifty-fifty nation - half the electorate is Democratic, another half is Republican, and twenty percent is in the middle.

LF: Wait - that adds up to more than a hundred.

WS: That's how divided the country is - people can't even agree on basic math!

LF: And what do you think is responsible for this partisan divide?

WS: Political scientists have many theories, but I personally believe it's the legacy of the 1960s. Republicans tend to embrace the "Ozzie & Harriet" values of the 1950s, the Eisenhower era; Democrats, on the other hand, are much more comfortable with changes in contemporary social mores. For example, a recent Gallup poll determined that the majority of regular church-goers routinely vote Republican, whereas 61% of Democrats said they would only step into church if it was for a same-sex wedding.

LF: Uh...I find that a little hard to believe.

WS: Granted, that survey had a very small sample size, consisting mostly of people living in David Geffen's beachhouse, but the numbers don't lie.

LF: With such stark polarization, who will decide the election?

WS: The election will be decided by the undecided, ie. the people who are not presently decided.

LF: And which way are the undecideds leaning?

WS: The undecideds are currently split - get this - fifty-fifty between Kerry and Bush! It's amazing. We haven't seen a presidential election like this in at least four years.

LF: Analyze, if you will, the individual candidates one by one, beginning with the president. Where is he vulnerable?

WS: The president is vulnerable in essentially two areas: foreign affairs and the economy. Other than that, he has no significant liabilities.

LF: What about his overall approval ratings?

WS: Well, the president's approval rating is currently 46%. Now, historically, no president has been re-elected with a rating that low. On the other hand, a popular wartime president has never been defeated at the polls.

LF: I'm not sure I understand....if his ratings are low, how can be described as "popular"?

WS: Because it's a fifty-fifty nation! In the fifty-percent of the nation that's voting for Bush, he has a 96% approval rating! So you can see, the president is still very, very popular and will be difficult to beat. Unless he gets beat.

LF: And how about Senator Kerry? Where is he weak?

WS: I think it's commonly agreed that Kerry's greatest weakness is his stiff, somewhat formal presentation of himself in public. He's not loose and engaging like, say, Bill Clinton or Jack Black. I'm thinking of the time Senator Kerry appeared at a fundraiser with Nipsy Russell and tried to tell a dirty limerick: "There once was a man from Nantucket...who lost his health insurance when his job was exported to India." The crowd did not respond favorably.

LF: And where is he strong?

WS: His biggest strength is that he's not George W. Bush. In fact, fully 99% of Kerry voters are not voting for Bush.

LF: What about the other 1%?

WS: The other 1% is split between people who are undecided about who they're not voting for, and people who are not voting for Ralph Nader.

LF: Speaking of Nader, what kind of impact will he have this year? He ran as a Green last time, and many people say his candidacy cost Al Gore the election. What about this time?

WS: My calculations are that Nader will hurt John Kerry if he gets anywhere between 0% and 5% of the vote.

LF: 0%? So even if Nader gets no votes, he still hurts Kerry?

WS: Yes. If Nader gets between 1% and 5%, that means the Left is divided, and that could make all the difference in the critical swing states. On the other hand, if Nader gets no votes at all, that means the Left has been marginalized and Kerry is doomed.

LF: Gee...for Kerry, that almost sounds like a no-win situation.

WS: Yes, it is. Unless he wins.

LF: With all that as background, what do you think will decide the election?

WS: Well, I have no idea what will decide the election, as I wrote in my last column, No Idea What Will Decide The Election: I Have No Idea What Will Decide The Election. But there's one thing I know is going to be very critical, and that's GOTV.

LF: What's GOTV?

WS: GOTV stands for Get-Out-The-Vote. Come this fall, the parties will be working overtime to make sure their base constituencies - that is, the constituencies that form their base - turn out to vote in large numbers. For the Democrats, that means African-Americans and labor union members; for the Republicans, that means gun owners and religious conservatives; and for the Greens, it's people who sell patchouli oil on e-bay.

LF: And which group would you say is the most enthusiastic?

WS: It's early, but judging by their feedback comments, I'd say the patchouli oil salesmen are particularly enthusiastic.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, it's been my pleasure.

Lomblog - Now With Comments!

LF here - just back from a taping of VH-1's I Love 8 AM, March 5, 1987. Oh, the memories! But that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to tell everyone who visits the site - yes, all 3 of you, plus the guy that surfed in looking for elisha cuthbert fakes - about an exciting new way to communicate with me. When Blogger upgraded its software on Sunday, they added a function to enable reader comments at the end of posts. Never one to miss an opportunity for dialogue, I've decided to take advantage of this breathtaking technological leap. As the site continues to grow, I fully expect a regular community of Lomblog message board devotees to emerge with it. But as in any fledgling democracy, there must be some rules:

1 No porno spam (Unless it's something artistic)

2 No self-promotion (ie. "Read my hilarious, insightful writing here at http://lomblog.blogspot.com")

3 No "drive-by" posts - that is off-topic rants that are designed to provoke rather than enlighten with inflammatory comments like "THE HOLOCAUST DIDN'T HAPPEN!" or "MARTHA STEWART IS GUILTY!" I don't want this site to devolve into constant flame war, like my old cyber hang-out, I Can't Believe How Fat She's Gotten Since The Kid. As George W. Bush once said - seriously - ""We've had enough fighting; it's time to unite."

4 No comments between posters or directed at the site adminstrator (me) that would be more appropriate for a private e-mail. Especially if it's along the lines of, "I really enjoy your hilarious, insightful writing at http://lomblog.blogspot.com. Would you like to see my pics?"

5 No gratuitious gossip about major celebrities, unless it relates to a personal experience you'd like to share, as in "I just had the most amazing three-way with Cameron Diaz and Colin Powell."

6 No violations of the Geneva convention.

And now......I turn the floor over to you!

Doing My Part

As I'm sure everyone knows, this is a very tense time for relations between the great spiritual sects. It seems like every day brings another development that threatens to drive new walls between Christians and Jews, Muslims and Jews, Christians and Muslims and regular God-believers vs. people that are into some kind of tripped-up yoga-based thing that Madonna practices. It's a shame, and one that carries with it tragic repercussions. And the worst part is, it's all completely unnecessary. Despite the surface differences, most people of faith have an awful lot in common. As I hope you can see, I've given this a lot of thought. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe the hatred and mistrust would lesson a little if only we could see past the symbols that divide us.

Well, one of those symbols need divide us no longer.



What you see here is, as far as I'm aware, the world's very first Mohammed fish. Print it out, put it on a t-shirt, or get your very own Mohammed fish bumper sticker by writing to me at lombairefan@hotmail.com (prices currently unavailable). Even if you're not Muslim, you may want one anyway - it can't hurt to show a little solidarity with members of the world's largest and fastest-growing religion, can it? I won't be happy until I see these babies all over the highways of North America.

Who knows? Maybe even Madonna will get one.

Virus-Creating Teens: Finally A Solution

Over the weekend, an eighteen-year-old in Germany confessed to creating the "Sasser" worm, a virus which infected servers and crashed computers all over the globe, temporarily blocking Lomblog access for millions. Now, there are two ways of looking at this. On the bright side, we've come a long way when the worst international offense a German youth commits is knocking people offline. But still, one has to ask: what vicarious thrill do today's teens get from causing cyber-mayhem?

Perhaps it's the notoriety, and with it, the devil-may-care, rebellious image that comes from telling your high school, "I found a flaw in Windows' operating system that most of the people on my Usenet board have never even dreamt of, much less diagrammed!" Maybe it's the promise of a better life in the hereafter, with eternal storage space and seventy-five virgin web developers all at your beck and call. Whatever it is, there's no getting around the fact that hundreds of whiz kids the world over would rather program mischief on a PC than engage in more traditional teen-friendly activities, like dipping snuff or blowing off class to tag along with a Pantera roadie. This concerns me - and not just because the Lombaire Foundation lost so much ad revenue during last week's scare. With so many gawky youngsters losing themselves in a high-tech fantasy world, who's going to sign up for French club?

That's why I'm proud to announce that I, Lombaire Fan, have founded a new organization: Big Brothers 6.0. The purpose of this group, which literally anyone can join (though we do give special preference to ex-cons) is to pair up irresponsible adults in every neighborhood with the most tech-savvy, at-risk youth that we can successfully coax offline and outdoors.

If you don't believe this kind of program can work, let me tell you a story about a boy named "Michael." By the time "Michael" was 17, he could do just about anything with a keyboard and a mouse. He had mastered both html and XML. He could diagnose, practically on sight, almost any system malfunction on any type of PC. "Michael" was not just an exceptional student; his special skills made him potentially attractive lure to employers as he sought to move far beyond his modest upbringing in Macon, Georgia. But then, the unthinkable happened: both his parents were crushed by a tractor trailer. As a result, "Michael" moved in with his Uncle Petey - a truck driver with a thirty-two-year crystal-meth habit. Within a year, he had lost all interest in computers or school, or really anything that didn't involve hanging out with his friends underneath the overpass and memorizing Simpsons quotes. Friendship meant a lot to "Michael", so there was no question what he would say when his buddies asked him to jump off the top of Petey's moving Diesel while they ran a camcorder. "Michael" did it, and though his nose was crushed, the footage became a mainstay of MTV's Jackass. "Michael" was now internationally famous, known to millions as "No-nose Jackass guy." As of this writing, he lives in LA, where he has impregnated at least two exotic dancers and is a valued member of Kid Rock's posse.

We'll never know what might have happened if "Michael" had continued his education and further developed his computer skills. But one thing is certain: because of the mentoring of his uncle, he did not go on to create a virus that slowed down stock market activity or kept millions from reading their Yahoo! horoscope for several hours. It's miracles like that that BB 6.0 will be working overtime to create every day. Our motto is simple: "A kid with programming skills is a loaded weapon - why not disarm while we still can?"

Happy Mother's Day From Lomblog

As you would expect, LombaireFan is away this weekend, visiting his parents at the Julius and Ethel Rosenberg Lovers Sunset Retirement Home in Ossining, New York. But Lomblog will return next week with these must-read entries:

"Trading Spaces: Iraqis Redecorate The Midwest"
"Dirty Shticksters: Who Sabataged the Lieberman Campaign?"
"Mary-Kate Or Ashley: Which Olson Will Snap First?"
"Pure Speculation: Bob Hope At Abu Gharib"

Until then, enjoy this special photo tribute to celebrities and their mothers:

Bush on Arab Radio

Most of the news outlets covered the president's recent appearances on Arab TV but very few have taken note of his visit to Arab radio. On Friday, the White House arranged a special apology call-in to Mecca's most popular drive-time radio show, Abdullah In The Morning ("The Morning Intifada"). Fortunately, the show is simulcast live each day on Al-Arabiya and a transcript has been obtained by Lomblog.



ABDULLAH: Mr. President, good to have you here.

BUSH: Thank you, Abdullah...A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I gotta say - all politics and religion aside - you're a brave man for joining us today, because as our regular listeners and viewers know, we like to send the president up from time to time -

BUSH: Yes, I heard you been sendin' me up.

ABDULLAH: Right, like the sketch we played earlier where your daughter Jenna was sold to a camel-herder. But you know, it's nothing personal, sir. Now tell us why you're phoning in - I understand you came here to apologize? Our audience is about 80% militants, so I feel this is a good place to get the message out.

BUSH: Yes, this is a good place to get the message out.

ABDULLAH: And what message would you like to get out this morning, Mr. President?

BUSH: That...this is not...how Americans behave. We don't...torture people. That we don't engage in acts of...torture. That we don't go up to people in the Middle East and...torture them. And that's what I'm tryin' to say.

ABDULLAH: And you're referring to your membership in Skull and Bones?

BUSH: (Laughs) Well, I'm not alone on that, A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I know. Seriously, I haven't been following the news very closely - I've been busy at the ranch - but I have my TiVo set to "iraqi prisoner abuse", so maybe I can catch up this weekend.

BUSH: Well, I just want to say before you watch the TiVo that...this is not how Americans behave. We don't abuse people. We don't.....abuse prisoners. We don't go up to people.......and abuse them. And that's what I'm tryin' to say, and I hope that message gets out.

ABDULLAH: And I think the message is getting out, Mr. President. We have millions of listeners all over the Middle East and just this week we picked up two affiliates in the West Bank.

BUSH: Congratulations.

ABDULLAH: Wait a minute - Jamir, my producer, just whispered in my headset that one of those stations was bulldozered, but hopefully someone else will pick us up.

BUSH: Hope so.

ABDULLAH: Now what about Secretary Rumsfeld? Is he going to have to quit? I was talking to Majif Beraini of the Baghad Globe -

BUSH: Good man.

ABDULLAH: And he told me that looking into Rumsfeld's eyes is like peering into the very bowels of Satan himself. What's he like in cabinet meetings?

BUSH: No, uh....A....Secretary Rumsfeld...is a good man. He's been a good secretary of defense. He has a good heart. And I've looked into this good man's good heart and I know that he would never approve of torturing people. And if someone came to me and they said that...Secretary Rumsfeld...was torturing people....or he somehow approved of people being tortured....or there were pictures of him torturin'...Abdullah...this administration would move heaven and earth to make sure those pictures were never published. And you can count on that.

ABDULLAH: Very strong statement.

BUSH: It's how I feel. And that goes for all the other cabinet secretaries too.

ABDULLAH: Well, it's appreciated. You know, you and I have something in common actually.

BUSH: We do?

ABDULLAH: Yes, we have some mutual friends in the States: the bin-Ladens. Before people get confused, that's Billy bin Laden and his wife Janice. They have a catering service in Washington.

BUSH: Catered my inaugural. Good man.

ABDULLAH: Right, very good man. Nothing like his cousin.

BUSH: No.

ABDULLAH: So if you run into him sometime in DC, please say hello for me.

BUSH: Will do. And I'll apologize to him too.

ABDULLAH: Yes, thank you. That would be very considerate. Anyway, I'd like to thank you for joining us.

BUSH: No problem, A-Man.

ABDULLAH: I know your schedule is very tight and it's very late where you are -

BUSH: Again, no problem. I wake up every morning at 5:00 am to do my calisthenics and get briefed on the latest casualty reports so....I've been up almost as early as this.

ABDULLAH: Our best to you and Laura, and good luck with the occupation. Our special guest, President Bush. And for those of you that think we're leaning to one side or the other, Muqtada al-Sadr will be joining us next week.

The End of Friends

Well, the final episode of Friends is airing tonight. This is sure to be an epochal moment in television history, like the last episode of M*A*S*H or the shooting of Lee Harvey Oswald.



I think I join all Americans in reflecting on these last ten years of zany antics, crazy characters and the on-again, off-again Russ-Rachel romance. Kudos to you, Matthew LeBanc, David Swimmer, Jenifer Anst, Lisa Kutrow and Courtney Dix. Oh, and Kramer too.

On this topic, don't forget to vote in today's special Zenmaster web poll.



The Zenmaster will always be there for you.

Another Disney Disgrace

The papers and networks are full of stories today about how Disney is blocking the release of Michael Moore's latest picture. Naturally, this angers me but I can't say I'm too surprised.



I should state upfront that I don't have any great familiarity with Mr. Moore's work. I heard good things about Bowling For Columbine but have a hard time believing that a game show could translate well to the silver screen. (Ever see The Gong Show Movie? I rest my case). I also missed his highly acclaimed first film, Roger And Me, as I mistakenly took in a Times Square flick called Rogerin' Me - not the same thing. Still, I do admire him for having a political conscience. In that way, he is following in the footsteps of Lombaire, who was one of the first directors to bravely advance the cause of gay acceptance with his 1961 film, Infirmières In Amour With Autres Infirmières (Nurses In Love With Other Nurses), though admittedly the lighting in the shower scenes could've been much better.

I just don't see how Mr. M. ever thought he would get a fair shake out of Disney. Let's face it: when it comes to artistic freedom, Le Mickey has always been his corporate master's four-fingered bitch. Take one of the earliest of Disney's so-called "classics," Dumbo. What could have been, 40 years before Lynch, an allegory on the life of John Merrick became instead meaningless drivel about a flying elephant.

What about Song Of The South? Everyone knows the real song of the South, circa 1946: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay/The deleterious effects of the bigoted social construct created by the white male superiority complex linger to this day! But no, Disney would not confront viewers with this harsh reality. Or how about The Jungle Book? Originally conceived as an expose of Michael Rockefeller's mysterious disappearance among the New Guinea headhunters, it became just another stupid talking bear movie.

But probably the most unforgiveable Disney film was Aladdin. Given the opportunity to educate the Western populace, especially children, about Arabic culture, they reduced the entire Middle East experience to princesses, magic carpet rides, and Robin Williams' prefab ad-libs. If the film were aiming for any reality at all, Aladdin would've used at least one of his wishes on Palestinian statehood. That he did not speaks to a cultural tone-deafness that this country is now paying a heavy price for. Surely, all of us must shoulder some blame for failing to prevent the terrorist attacks of 9/11 but Disney's refusal to more respectfully dramatize the resentments simmering within a man like Jafar must rank as one of the most missed of all opportunities.



Anyway, I hope to interview Mr. Moore about this controversy when his film debuts at Cannes later this month. And unlike my Festival interview with Peter Jackson some years back, I hope we are both fully clothed.

Bush on Arab TV

The president has decided to go on Arab TV to answer concerns about this recent prisoner unpleasantness. Good for him. I just hope the interviewers give him a fair hearing.



On this same topic, don't forget to vote in this week's Zenmaster Web Poll:



The results will be tallied up after a week, if the Zenmaster believes that is the proper path to enlightenment.

Oops!

My bad. I completely misread that e-mail. Apparently Condoleeza Rice is a big fan of jazz keyboardist/composer Herbie Hancock ("Rockit").



If only there were a function on the Blogger software that enabled me to delete posts containing information that is no longer operative. Oh well... it's probably better to save these errors for the sake of posterity.

Hot Tip

I've just been given a "heads-up" by a well-placed "source" within the "capitol" about a big story that's about to break any minute now. I don't want to give too much away, because you'll definitely be hearing about this all over the news, but apparently Condoleeza Rice is a hermaphrodite!



Much more on this soon...

Lomblogs To Come

Typically, LombaireFan is busy this weekend, visiting his parents at the Noam Chomsky Mushrooming Tentacles of the Military-Industrial Retirement Complex in Lexington, Massachusetts. But look for these entries soon:

"Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Claus: Anti-Semitic or Pro-Kringle?"
"New German Words To Know: Schadensiegfriedandroy, or Taking Pleasure in the Pain of Someone Kitschy"
"Killing 'Em Softly: North Korean Moderates"
"Lesbian Prison Sex: Not As Hot As It Sounds"

Until then, please enjoy this photo of Neil Diamond impersonator Tom Sadge:

De-Linked

Oh, the troubles I gain for merely speaking my mind. Following my release last night, I learned that after some pressure, lots of cajoling and many outright lies, I had gained a much-coveted spot on the official John Kerry for president blogroll.



Although Senator Kerry was not my first choice for the Democratic nomination - I was California chair of Draft Margot Kidder - I was proud to support him for two reasons, really. One: he's the first candidate in years to openly acknowledge his French heritage. Second, as a senator, he did a very admirable job in exposing the links between the drug traffic and the CIA-backed Nicaraguan contras (I know of these links first-hand: Andy Gibb and I were badly gypped by a so-called "freedom fighter" in the bathroom of Studio 54, circa '81).

Unfortunately, the Kerry/Lomblog connection lasted just scant minutes before one of the Kerry "researchers" (read: brownshirts) crawled the web and found an old post of mine, The Pope Is A Deutschbag! In this post, which I've deleted from my archives so as not to cause further upset, I tried to methodically build a case for my point of view (though I must admit the accompanying illustration was in very poor taste). I also went to great pains to make clear that I did not believe that all popes were deutschbags, only the one who's in there now. Sadly, this was not enough for the Kerry-ites. I understand that the Senator is a politician - and a practicing Catholic - so there's a limit to how much controversy he's willing to have associated with his good name. Still, I can't say I'm not disappointed.

You see, I saw myself as a liason between the Democratic nominee and the emerging Net community of Francocentric starving artists who've been blogging for nearly three weeks. Also, I had many innovative ideas for improving the candidate's Web presence. Through the Lombaire Foundation, as well as e-mails I've forwarded to my parents, I've already raised potentially hundreds of dollars for the Kerry campaign. I was certain that I could elicit much more with a unique fundraising appeal that I personally drafted:

ATTN. SIR/MADAM

I AM SENATOR JOHN FORBES KERRY OF THE COMONWELTH OF MASSCHUSETTS, FORMERLY OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY IN VIETNAM. MY COUNTRY IS CURRENTLY UNDER THE DESPOTIC RULE OF A CORRUPT, HAEVILY ARMD JUNTA AND HAS BEEN SINCE DEC. 12, 2000 WHEN BLACK-ROBED THIEVES EXECUTED VICE PRES. ALBERT GORE IN THE DEAD OF NITE. THE PEOPLE IN POWR ARE RTHLESS. SINCE I FRST BECAME A CANDIDETE, THEY HAV SLANDERD MY MILITARY CAREER AND EVEN CLAIMD I HAD BOTOX INJECTINS!

PLEASE HELP. MY SITUTAION IS URGENT. JUST MONTHS AGO, I HAD TO SELL MY HOME TO PAY FOR BIO ADS IN THE EARLY PRIMARY STATES, AND MY WIFE HAS BEN REDUCED TO ERNING A LIVING THROUGH KETCHUP. IF I DO NOT WIN, I WILL HAVE TO RTURN TO THE SENATE, WHERE I WIL BE FORVER OVRSHADOWED BY SEN. KENNEDY. PLEASE GIVE MONEY! I HAVE JUST SIX MONTHS LEFT TO REVERS THE COUP! MAKE YUR TAX-DEDUCTIBLE CONTRIBUTIONS IN AMOUNTS UP TO $2000. CHECKS AND ALL MAJR CREDT CARDS AR ACEPPTED. YUR REWARDS WILL BE MOR EDUCATION FUNDING, MIDDLE CLASS TAX CUTS AND GREATER UN INVOLVMENT IN IRAQ.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
JOHN KERRY - DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT