LF In Custody
LF here, blogging by permission of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. As you may know, LA shopping malls were under a threat advisory yesterday. Nothing came of it, fortunately, but it was probably not the best afternoon for me to pick up the new Lou Reed cd (Of course, I happen to be of the opinion that Nico made the Velvets but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you). Anyway, as I approached the Sam Goody counter, a SWAT team descended upon me. My first thoughts were, "I've been mistaken for celebrities before, but never Winona Ryder." It was not until I arrived at a nearby Federal Detention Center that I was finally given an explanation.
The authorities wanted to question me about my connection to Muqtada al-Sadr. I informed them that Muqi is merely an online friend, that we have never met or conspired offline and that I am in fact extremely reticent of meeting anyone from the Net in person (Long story but I had a bad experience with a Quebec nationalist who looked nothing like her picture). I tried to answer all the questions as skillfully as I could, but I have to admit my Arabic pronunciation suffered a little under the pressure. I also tried to explain that my association with Muq was personal, not political, as over the years, I've supported and contributed funds to Democratic, Republican and Baathist candidates for president. They let me leave after an hour or so of questioning but said that because of my activities, I would be placed on a "watch list" (I assume this is FBI code for the My Favorites folder).
I could bore you with a lot more details but the important thing is this: SOMEBODY'S BEEN READING MY SITE! Yes, Lomblog has finally penetrated the American consciousness and we ain't going home 'til both parties have gotten their respective jollies!
As for me, I'll probably be home tomorrow, if my head can still fit through the door. :D
Adieu from jail!
Friday, April 30, 2004
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Introducing Lomblog Embeds
It may sometimes seem like Lombaire Fan is everywhere at once but truthfully, I am but a mere mortal. Which is why I'm introducing a new feature to Lomblog: embeds. You may be familiar with the concept from the news networks. These are special correspondents who will be on the scene always, ready to report directly to me, anytime I'm too lazy to write the blog myself.
Our first report couldn't be more timely. It comes from Ray D., of the popular Where is Ray D? site. For the past three years, Ray, a 26-year-old former Jerseyite, has been living in - and writing from - Billy Joel's car, a venue that's brought him face to face with mortal danger on multiple occasions. Yet Ray always seems to emerge from the wreckage, and provide his readers with an entertaining first-person account of life amid constant chaos and rebuilding.
I spoke to Ray yesterday morning, after the most recent car-bombing.
LOMBAIRE FAN: First, Ray, welcome to Lomblog.
RAY D.: Thanks.
LF: I guess I'll be asking this of all the embeds: what time is it, and where are you now?
RD: It's approximately 1100 Greenwich Mean, and I'm crouching behind the front-side passenger.
LF: And where is Billy?
RD: Oh, I don't know. Composing, hopefully.
LF: Tell us how this all began.
RD: This whole situation started a few years ago, when I was hanging out in the parking lot of a liquor store in Secaucus with my pal Nugget. We saw this guy walk into the store, and Nug went, "Hey! Wasn't that Billy Joel?" He must have been on tour or something. Now, at the time, I was so wasted, I couldn't tell Billy Joel from Billy the Kid. But when he came out with his whiskey in a paper sack, he was kind of quietly crooning Uptown Girl and suddenly it clicked.
LF: And at what time did you enter the car?
RD: Well, what I just described happened about 2 in the morning but Billy came back to the store a couple hours later. I noticed his doors were unlocked. I thought maybe, I'd, you know...take a look around. I don't know what I hoped to find exactly...maybe some naked pictures of Christie Brinkley. Heh heh heh.
Anyway, I ended up in back, and when I saw Mr. Joel coming out to the lot, I thought for sure I was going to jail. But no...his vision must have been so blurred that he didn't even know I was there! He just drove off...with me in the car. And I've been here ever since.
LF: Was it difficult getting adjusted?
RD: Somewhat. But you know, my dad once told me I was conceived in a Buick Riviera to an eight-track copy of The Stranger, so in many ways this was like coming home for me.
LF: How have you managed to survive all this time? I mean, what is the food and water supply like?
RD: Oh, it's fine. Billy's always throwing things back here: Fritos, Captain Crunch, NutraSweet packets. Lot of empties but with that much booze around, you're bound to find a drop. Seriously, I eat better than I did in college.
LF: What's been the most difficult part of your experience?
RD: Oh, probably learning the different languages.
LF: Languages?
RD: Yes. Billy after vodka speaks in a completely different dialect than Billy after Courvoisier and Seconal. It's a tricky terrain to navigate, especially for an outsider. The Billy Joels may all look the same, but believe me, they are different. And you don't want to mix them up either.
LF: Have you been happy with the media's portrayal of this story?
RD: Not really. I only know what I've heard on Billy's stereo but I can tell you the reports don't match what I see here, uh, on the floorboard.
LF: How so?
RD: Well, it seems like the media loves to perpetuate the notion that we're not making progress, that everything is falling apart, that this is a wasted expedition. Nothing could be further from the truth. Look, are there a lot of places in the world that are safer to live in than Billy Joel's car? Absolutely. But is it a lot better than it was, say, two years ago, before he went into rehab? I don't see how anyone can argue.
LF: Anything else you resent about the coverage?
RD: I guess the thing that really...sends me up a wall is when the so-called "experts" imply that Billy somehow isn't ready for the responsibility of driving. To me, that's racist.
LF: Racist?
RD: Well, no one ever says that Sting shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, or Phil Collins shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, do they? Of course not; those guys are English. But Billy, because he's Italian and from New Jersey -
LF: Wait a second - I thought Billy is Jewish. And from Long Island.
RD: Whatever. Don't bag on me because I'm not a history major. I'm a lot closer to the situation than you'll ever be.
LF: Fine but wouldn't the most recent incident, when he crashed into a house, cause you to reevaluate your position at least slightly? Weren't you at all concerned that maybe Billy didn't know what he was doing, that he was letting things spiral out of control, that he had no long-term plan to...get off the road safely?
RD: Sure, the lack of an exit strategy did concern me, but ultimately, it is his car. None of us can take the wheel and steer it for him. It's really up to Billy to decide what direction he wants to go in next. All the rest of us can do is sit back, hope for the best and promise not to abandon him during the reconstruction.
LF: How long do you plan to remain in Billy's car?
RD: Well, I had been planning to live here until June 30.
LF: What was the significance of that date?
RD: That was the day Billy planned to turn over the keys to his daughter Alexa. Now, I don't know. Everything's in a state of flux.
LF: Is there any message you would like to leave the people of the United States and the world as you report to us live from Billy Joel's car?
RD: Yes. That no matter how it might look from the outside, Billy welcomes our intervention. Sure, in the early months, you're gonna see a lot of fighting, a lot of militancy, a lot of performances of "You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)" or even "My Life" but deep down, Billy wants a change. He is anxious to rejoin Paul McCartney and Elton John in the international community of middle-of-the-road, past-their-prime, pop singer/songwriters who also dabble in light classical.
LF: Thank you, Ray, our Billy embed. And tell Mr. Joel hello for me, will you?
RD: I most certainly won't. (Sings) Oh, I'm livin' here in Billy's car...
It may sometimes seem like Lombaire Fan is everywhere at once but truthfully, I am but a mere mortal. Which is why I'm introducing a new feature to Lomblog: embeds. You may be familiar with the concept from the news networks. These are special correspondents who will be on the scene always, ready to report directly to me, anytime I'm too lazy to write the blog myself.
Our first report couldn't be more timely. It comes from Ray D., of the popular Where is Ray D? site. For the past three years, Ray, a 26-year-old former Jerseyite, has been living in - and writing from - Billy Joel's car, a venue that's brought him face to face with mortal danger on multiple occasions. Yet Ray always seems to emerge from the wreckage, and provide his readers with an entertaining first-person account of life amid constant chaos and rebuilding.
I spoke to Ray yesterday morning, after the most recent car-bombing.
LOMBAIRE FAN: First, Ray, welcome to Lomblog.
RAY D.: Thanks.
LF: I guess I'll be asking this of all the embeds: what time is it, and where are you now?
RD: It's approximately 1100 Greenwich Mean, and I'm crouching behind the front-side passenger.
LF: And where is Billy?
RD: Oh, I don't know. Composing, hopefully.
LF: Tell us how this all began.
RD: This whole situation started a few years ago, when I was hanging out in the parking lot of a liquor store in Secaucus with my pal Nugget. We saw this guy walk into the store, and Nug went, "Hey! Wasn't that Billy Joel?" He must have been on tour or something. Now, at the time, I was so wasted, I couldn't tell Billy Joel from Billy the Kid. But when he came out with his whiskey in a paper sack, he was kind of quietly crooning Uptown Girl and suddenly it clicked.
LF: And at what time did you enter the car?
RD: Well, what I just described happened about 2 in the morning but Billy came back to the store a couple hours later. I noticed his doors were unlocked. I thought maybe, I'd, you know...take a look around. I don't know what I hoped to find exactly...maybe some naked pictures of Christie Brinkley. Heh heh heh.
Anyway, I ended up in back, and when I saw Mr. Joel coming out to the lot, I thought for sure I was going to jail. But no...his vision must have been so blurred that he didn't even know I was there! He just drove off...with me in the car. And I've been here ever since.
LF: Was it difficult getting adjusted?
RD: Somewhat. But you know, my dad once told me I was conceived in a Buick Riviera to an eight-track copy of The Stranger, so in many ways this was like coming home for me.
LF: How have you managed to survive all this time? I mean, what is the food and water supply like?
RD: Oh, it's fine. Billy's always throwing things back here: Fritos, Captain Crunch, NutraSweet packets. Lot of empties but with that much booze around, you're bound to find a drop. Seriously, I eat better than I did in college.
LF: What's been the most difficult part of your experience?
RD: Oh, probably learning the different languages.
LF: Languages?
RD: Yes. Billy after vodka speaks in a completely different dialect than Billy after Courvoisier and Seconal. It's a tricky terrain to navigate, especially for an outsider. The Billy Joels may all look the same, but believe me, they are different. And you don't want to mix them up either.
LF: Have you been happy with the media's portrayal of this story?
RD: Not really. I only know what I've heard on Billy's stereo but I can tell you the reports don't match what I see here, uh, on the floorboard.
LF: How so?
RD: Well, it seems like the media loves to perpetuate the notion that we're not making progress, that everything is falling apart, that this is a wasted expedition. Nothing could be further from the truth. Look, are there a lot of places in the world that are safer to live in than Billy Joel's car? Absolutely. But is it a lot better than it was, say, two years ago, before he went into rehab? I don't see how anyone can argue.
LF: Anything else you resent about the coverage?
RD: I guess the thing that really...sends me up a wall is when the so-called "experts" imply that Billy somehow isn't ready for the responsibility of driving. To me, that's racist.
LF: Racist?
RD: Well, no one ever says that Sting shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, or Phil Collins shouldn't be allowed to drive himself, do they? Of course not; those guys are English. But Billy, because he's Italian and from New Jersey -
LF: Wait a second - I thought Billy is Jewish. And from Long Island.
RD: Whatever. Don't bag on me because I'm not a history major. I'm a lot closer to the situation than you'll ever be.
LF: Fine but wouldn't the most recent incident, when he crashed into a house, cause you to reevaluate your position at least slightly? Weren't you at all concerned that maybe Billy didn't know what he was doing, that he was letting things spiral out of control, that he had no long-term plan to...get off the road safely?
RD: Sure, the lack of an exit strategy did concern me, but ultimately, it is his car. None of us can take the wheel and steer it for him. It's really up to Billy to decide what direction he wants to go in next. All the rest of us can do is sit back, hope for the best and promise not to abandon him during the reconstruction.
LF: How long do you plan to remain in Billy's car?
RD: Well, I had been planning to live here until June 30.
LF: What was the significance of that date?
RD: That was the day Billy planned to turn over the keys to his daughter Alexa. Now, I don't know. Everything's in a state of flux.
LF: Is there any message you would like to leave the people of the United States and the world as you report to us live from Billy Joel's car?
RD: Yes. That no matter how it might look from the outside, Billy welcomes our intervention. Sure, in the early months, you're gonna see a lot of fighting, a lot of militancy, a lot of performances of "You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)" or even "My Life" but deep down, Billy wants a change. He is anxious to rejoin Paul McCartney and Elton John in the international community of middle-of-the-road, past-their-prime, pop singer/songwriters who also dabble in light classical.
LF: Thank you, Ray, our Billy embed. And tell Mr. Joel hello for me, will you?
RD: I most certainly won't. (Sings) Oh, I'm livin' here in Billy's car...
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
A Lomblog Look Back
LF here, finally back from Washington. Oh, the stories I could tell - if only I weren't being monitored.
Anyway, as I continue to decompress from my DC adventures, I thought I might provide my readers with a special treat: a reproduction of the very first edition of Lomblog, published in April 1974! Yes, 1974 - back when blogs were printed on rolling paper. It's quite an eye-opener. You'll notice our format was a bit different then. Our counterculture edge was, naturally, much more pronounced. As for what I wrote thirty years ago...well, I may have been right, I may have been wrong, but I was always me. Editor's note: Most of the links are dead, don't bother clicking.
LF here, finally back from Washington. Oh, the stories I could tell - if only I weren't being monitored.
Anyway, as I continue to decompress from my DC adventures, I thought I might provide my readers with a special treat: a reproduction of the very first edition of Lomblog, published in April 1974! Yes, 1974 - back when blogs were printed on rolling paper. It's quite an eye-opener. You'll notice our format was a bit different then. Our counterculture edge was, naturally, much more pronounced. As for what I wrote thirty years ago...well, I may have been right, I may have been wrong, but I was always me. Editor's note: Most of the links are dead, don't bother clicking.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
LF In Washington
I guess this is the first time I've posted from the road, but I just wanted to tell everyone that I was among the thousands who attended today's abortion rights march here in Washington. It was quite an event, and I had a grand time, as the children say, "representin'" for the Lombaire fan community. Well...for the most part.
I am, of course, no stranger to social activism. In fact, I come from a long line of feminists. My mother actually burned her bra in the 1970s - though for all I know, she was just free-basing. Mother - I kid. Anyway, like Lombaire, who got his start in France's anti-dwarf-tossing movement ("When one dwarf is tossed against his will, all of us are tossed off in some small way"), I am a firm believer in speaking one's mind. To this end, I've never been hesitant to voice my support for reproductive rights, even to women I don't personally find attractive. So today, I was more than happy to join arms with the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton and at least one of the Olson twins (hey, who wouldn't be in favor of abortion after working with John Stamos and Dave Coulet?) to make sure that Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land.
However, as you may have noticed, nothing Lombaire Fan does is ever easy. It seemed the more stars I crossed on my journey, the more star-crossed I became. I ran into former Secretary of State Madeline Albright and with clueless aplomb, chirped, "Hello Mr. Gardenia, I loved you in Moonstruck!" My attempts to start "the wave" after a particularly fiery speech by NOW head Kim Gandy did nothing for my batting average either. But none of this prepared me for the coup de grace of ineptitude that preceded, and in some ways, necessitated my departure.
After a performance by the Keep-It-Legal Players, Planned Parenthood's official comedy improv troupe, I was asked by the organizers to fill in for Mavis Leno and take the stage to introduce the next speaker. As I made my way through the crowd, the loud speakers were booming out OutKast's "Hey Ya" - a song I can literally never get enough of, in any context. The audience was totally into it - chanting slogans, waving placards, and shakin' their coathangers like there was no tomorrow. But as I approached the mic, the music cut off abruptly. My spirits sank - and so too, it seemed, did the crowd's. I knew that something had to be said. So before going on with my planned remarks, I shot an angry look at the soundman and practically shouted, "HEY - you should've let it play out! That baby was rockin'; why'd you have to kill it?!"
Needless to say, this was an extremely poor choice of words on my part and it was completely misinterpreted by many of the attendees, especially those camped out furthest from the stage. By the time I was done introducing Scarlett Johansson, I might as well have been a first-trimester George W. Bush. Even Scarlett's air-kiss had a faint touch of hostility. I was just fortunate, as you can see from the photo, that there were so many large bushes to hide out in.
I've heard from friends back home that the footage of this incident has been played round-the-clock today on the Fox News Channel and will soon be the basis for a Bill O'Reilly special on the intolerance of the activist Left. I don't know what to make of that, but if it helps spread the Lombaire message...
Adieu from DC!
I guess this is the first time I've posted from the road, but I just wanted to tell everyone that I was among the thousands who attended today's abortion rights march here in Washington. It was quite an event, and I had a grand time, as the children say, "representin'" for the Lombaire fan community. Well...for the most part.
I am, of course, no stranger to social activism. In fact, I come from a long line of feminists. My mother actually burned her bra in the 1970s - though for all I know, she was just free-basing. Mother - I kid. Anyway, like Lombaire, who got his start in France's anti-dwarf-tossing movement ("When one dwarf is tossed against his will, all of us are tossed off in some small way"), I am a firm believer in speaking one's mind. To this end, I've never been hesitant to voice my support for reproductive rights, even to women I don't personally find attractive. So today, I was more than happy to join arms with the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton and at least one of the Olson twins (hey, who wouldn't be in favor of abortion after working with John Stamos and Dave Coulet?) to make sure that Roe v. Wade remains the law of the land.
However, as you may have noticed, nothing Lombaire Fan does is ever easy. It seemed the more stars I crossed on my journey, the more star-crossed I became. I ran into former Secretary of State Madeline Albright and with clueless aplomb, chirped, "Hello Mr. Gardenia, I loved you in Moonstruck!" My attempts to start "the wave" after a particularly fiery speech by NOW head Kim Gandy did nothing for my batting average either. But none of this prepared me for the coup de grace of ineptitude that preceded, and in some ways, necessitated my departure.
After a performance by the Keep-It-Legal Players, Planned Parenthood's official comedy improv troupe, I was asked by the organizers to fill in for Mavis Leno and take the stage to introduce the next speaker. As I made my way through the crowd, the loud speakers were booming out OutKast's "Hey Ya" - a song I can literally never get enough of, in any context. The audience was totally into it - chanting slogans, waving placards, and shakin' their coathangers like there was no tomorrow. But as I approached the mic, the music cut off abruptly. My spirits sank - and so too, it seemed, did the crowd's. I knew that something had to be said. So before going on with my planned remarks, I shot an angry look at the soundman and practically shouted, "HEY - you should've let it play out! That baby was rockin'; why'd you have to kill it?!"
Needless to say, this was an extremely poor choice of words on my part and it was completely misinterpreted by many of the attendees, especially those camped out furthest from the stage. By the time I was done introducing Scarlett Johansson, I might as well have been a first-trimester George W. Bush. Even Scarlett's air-kiss had a faint touch of hostility. I was just fortunate, as you can see from the photo, that there were so many large bushes to hide out in.
I've heard from friends back home that the footage of this incident has been played round-the-clock today on the Fox News Channel and will soon be the basis for a Bill O'Reilly special on the intolerance of the activist Left. I don't know what to make of that, but if it helps spread the Lombaire message...
Adieu from DC!
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Lomblog Weekend
As usual, LombaireFan is busy this weekend, visiting his parents in the Che Gue-Villa retirement community of West Palm Beach, Florida. But here's some pieces in the works for next week:
"Could The CIA Find Waldo?"
"The New York Times Plagiarized Crossword Puzzle"
"Steven Cojocaru's Nazi Fashion Atrocities"
"Mexican Hat Dancing: Young Hollywood's Hot New Guilty Pleasure"
Until then, please enjoy this authentic 1984 newspaper ad for Jockey© Workout Wear:
As usual, LombaireFan is busy this weekend, visiting his parents in the Che Gue-Villa retirement community of West Palm Beach, Florida. But here's some pieces in the works for next week:
"Could The CIA Find Waldo?"
"The New York Times Plagiarized Crossword Puzzle"
"Steven Cojocaru's Nazi Fashion Atrocities"
"Mexican Hat Dancing: Young Hollywood's Hot New Guilty Pleasure"
Until then, please enjoy this authentic 1984 newspaper ad for Jockey© Workout Wear:
Responding To A Cry For Help
I rarely bring personal matters out into the open here but I caught this headline tonight and felt it was my duty, as a friend, to respond:
Cleric Threatens Suicide Attacks
Dear His Holiness Muqtada al-Sadr,
Dude, what is up? You disappear from my buddy list for weeks, and now I read you're threatening suicide??!! That is some f'ed up shit, man. And don't tell me you don't know how to reach me. I gave you my cell. What is with people not wanting to talk when they're in trouble? First Uday and Quesay, and now you. Does no one in the whole unoccupied territory of Iraq know how to use a mobile?
Look, I know you're young, like most of us when we first surge against the oppressor. I used to see a lot of appeal myself in going out in a blaze of glory - it's martyrdom, the whole Ian Curtis/Cobain thing. But it's just not worth it. Worldwide infamy, 75 virgins, striking a dagger into the black heart of the infidel - I know how good it sounds but there are other ways to achieve all this that don't involve doing violence to yourself.
Sure, you're going to say I'm overreacting. I know you've made threats like this before, but still, I worry - your country wasn't on the brink of a civil war then. You simply mean too much to too many. You have a whole group of mujahadeen that love you, and really care for you. You have people that would, quite literally, follow you through the gates of hell if that would make you happy. Do you realize how special that is? Muqtada, I know how much you hate being told what to do, especially by an American. But I have a little bit of advice: Don't do it. Don't destroy yourself, and several others. Don't join that "stupid club" of Marilyn and Freddie Prinze Sr. and Mohammed Atta. If you need to go someplace, Muqi, take a Hemingway, not a Hemingway-out. Don't end up another "dead" card in the CIA's Most-Wanted deck; stick around and be a player.
My best to you and all the other Sh'ias,
LF
I rarely bring personal matters out into the open here but I caught this headline tonight and felt it was my duty, as a friend, to respond:
Cleric Threatens Suicide Attacks
Dear His Holiness Muqtada al-Sadr,
Dude, what is up? You disappear from my buddy list for weeks, and now I read you're threatening suicide??!! That is some f'ed up shit, man. And don't tell me you don't know how to reach me. I gave you my cell. What is with people not wanting to talk when they're in trouble? First Uday and Quesay, and now you. Does no one in the whole unoccupied territory of Iraq know how to use a mobile?
Look, I know you're young, like most of us when we first surge against the oppressor. I used to see a lot of appeal myself in going out in a blaze of glory - it's martyrdom, the whole Ian Curtis/Cobain thing. But it's just not worth it. Worldwide infamy, 75 virgins, striking a dagger into the black heart of the infidel - I know how good it sounds but there are other ways to achieve all this that don't involve doing violence to yourself.
Sure, you're going to say I'm overreacting. I know you've made threats like this before, but still, I worry - your country wasn't on the brink of a civil war then. You simply mean too much to too many. You have a whole group of mujahadeen that love you, and really care for you. You have people that would, quite literally, follow you through the gates of hell if that would make you happy. Do you realize how special that is? Muqtada, I know how much you hate being told what to do, especially by an American. But I have a little bit of advice: Don't do it. Don't destroy yourself, and several others. Don't join that "stupid club" of Marilyn and Freddie Prinze Sr. and Mohammed Atta. If you need to go someplace, Muqi, take a Hemingway, not a Hemingway-out. Don't end up another "dead" card in the CIA's Most-Wanted deck; stick around and be a player.
My best to you and all the other Sh'ias,
LF
Friday, April 23, 2004
More Lomblog To Come
Lomblog will return momentarily while I continue to work on what savvy Hollywood insiders are already dubbing WWTMAM8B?
Enjoy your day, see you soon and as always, support Martha.
Lomblog will return momentarily while I continue to work on what savvy Hollywood insiders are already dubbing WWTMAM8B?
Enjoy your day, see you soon and as always, support Martha.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Music Studies 1: Contemporary Country, or Fanfare for the Socio-Economic Unfortunates
Among my many interests, music has always held a special place. Unfortunately, I am cursed with hereditary tone-deafness and this has made my own ventures into song somewhat less than successful. But I remain fascinated, on an almost anthropological level, with various incarnations of the melodic form.
Country is surely the most underanalyzed of all genres. While the likes of Greil Marcus have farted out entire books on the Sex Pistols and their ilk, some of the best-loved country artists of our time have had scarcely a run-on sentence penned in tribute. Where are the 14-page expositions on "I Love A Rainy Night"? The heated debates over the best Porter Wagoner album? A "He's Hot, He's Sexy, He's Dead" cover featuring Marty Robbins? The same intelligentsia that suppresses Lombaire just won't allow it.
It's a shame really, because so much of country music today has a message as relevant to our time as any of the great protest anthems of the '60s. Take the work of Travis Underwood, Nashville's newest sensation. Travis began his hit career a dozen years ago, mostly performing humorous "answer songs" to the work of other artists - titles like "Achy-Breaky This!" and "That John Michael Montgomery Look Like Some Kinda Queer, Don't He?" But since 9/11, his lyrics have taken on a more serious tone. The centerpiece track on his new CD, These Colors Don't Run Like A Girl, is an uplifting tribute to the armed services that even those of us offended by its au courant Francophobia will be moved by.
YOU KEEP US FREE
Lyrics & Music by Travis Underwood
First Verse
You been injured in our wars
Fighting for our flag
Killing Iraqi hordes
Bombing Afghani skag
I'll never forget
The day you caught Saddam
I almost forgave ya
For losing in 'Nam
Chorus
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From the trenches in Korea
To the shores of Normandy
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From my daughter in Pomona
To my nephew in Taipei
For I know I could never give my life
For a man like me
Or my hag of an ex-wife
Yes, that's the difference
'Tween you and me
I make the dough
But you keep us free
Second verse
You invaded Grenada
Rescued Kuwait
Harbor-mined Cambodia
When you should've bombed Haight
You came from all over
Volunteered and drafted
Like Col. Blake on M*A*S*H
Some of you sure were shafted
Second Chorus
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
When the terrorists attack
While the Frenchies just sneeze
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From big-minded Krauts
And sneaky Japanese
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
With boys like you fighting
We'll never be on our knees
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
Even the Coast Guard
Someone's gotta protect the seas
For I know I could never turn my back
On the red, white and blue
Or the men that pull the slack
I ain't paid taxes
Since ninety-three
But boy, when I do
It'll be for them that keep us free
Yes, you and me!
Gotta stand up
For the ones that keep us free
(Speaking) See ya at the CMA's, y'all
Among my many interests, music has always held a special place. Unfortunately, I am cursed with hereditary tone-deafness and this has made my own ventures into song somewhat less than successful. But I remain fascinated, on an almost anthropological level, with various incarnations of the melodic form.
Country is surely the most underanalyzed of all genres. While the likes of Greil Marcus have farted out entire books on the Sex Pistols and their ilk, some of the best-loved country artists of our time have had scarcely a run-on sentence penned in tribute. Where are the 14-page expositions on "I Love A Rainy Night"? The heated debates over the best Porter Wagoner album? A "He's Hot, He's Sexy, He's Dead" cover featuring Marty Robbins? The same intelligentsia that suppresses Lombaire just won't allow it.
It's a shame really, because so much of country music today has a message as relevant to our time as any of the great protest anthems of the '60s. Take the work of Travis Underwood, Nashville's newest sensation. Travis began his hit career a dozen years ago, mostly performing humorous "answer songs" to the work of other artists - titles like "Achy-Breaky This!" and "That John Michael Montgomery Look Like Some Kinda Queer, Don't He?" But since 9/11, his lyrics have taken on a more serious tone. The centerpiece track on his new CD, These Colors Don't Run Like A Girl, is an uplifting tribute to the armed services that even those of us offended by its au courant Francophobia will be moved by.
YOU KEEP US FREE
Lyrics & Music by Travis Underwood
First Verse
You been injured in our wars
Fighting for our flag
Killing Iraqi hordes
Bombing Afghani skag
I'll never forget
The day you caught Saddam
I almost forgave ya
For losing in 'Nam
Chorus
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From the trenches in Korea
To the shores of Normandy
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From my daughter in Pomona
To my nephew in Taipei
For I know I could never give my life
For a man like me
Or my hag of an ex-wife
Yes, that's the difference
'Tween you and me
I make the dough
But you keep us free
Second verse
You invaded Grenada
Rescued Kuwait
Harbor-mined Cambodia
When you should've bombed Haight
You came from all over
Volunteered and drafted
Like Col. Blake on M*A*S*H
Some of you sure were shafted
Second Chorus
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
When the terrorists attack
While the Frenchies just sneeze
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
From big-minded Krauts
And sneaky Japanese
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
With boys like you fighting
We'll never be on our knees
Free! Free!
You all keep us free
Even the Coast Guard
Someone's gotta protect the seas
For I know I could never turn my back
On the red, white and blue
Or the men that pull the slack
I ain't paid taxes
Since ninety-three
But boy, when I do
It'll be for them that keep us free
Yes, you and me!
Gotta stand up
For the ones that keep us free
(Speaking) See ya at the CMA's, y'all
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Success At Last!
As some of you may know, I've been kicking around the entertainment industry for quite some time, toiling away in the shadowy outskirts between widespread fame & acceptance and Gary Busey's RV. During this time, most of the projects I've undertaken have been, like this blog, self-initiated. So imagine my delight and surprise to learn that not only was an idea of mine in production, it was just months away from premiering on a major network!
Admittedly, this success has occured only after a long struggle with my conscience. Though I felt lucky for a foot in the door, it was with some reluctance that I first pitched a series proposal to the executives in Burbank. Film is my first love, and I haven't always had the greatest appreciation for television as a viable artistic medium. In fact, I've always thought of cinema as a proud, chaste beauty who only occasionally yields to the whims and wishes of a special man. TV, on the other hand, struck me as film's tarty, blowsy younger sister, peddling her wares to all and putting out for even the most down-in-the-mouth street-corner stranger, all the while spreading its banal sitcoms and self-serious cop shows like so much video chlymidia. And in the nearly six decades since those first cathode rays were beamed into American homes, just a few special geniuses have truly mastered this electronic Whore of Babylon: Rod Serling, with his scripts for Playhouse 90 and The Twilight Zone; Dennis Potter, in his captivating work for the BBC; and David Lynch on the early episodes of Twin Peaks.
But with the work previewed below, I hope it's not immodest to think that I have joined the pantheon.
With Who Wants To Marry A Magic 8 Ball?, I believe that television has finally crossed over from "reality" programming and into the brave new realm of "surreality" programming. Trust me, you won't see another show like it this year, not even ABC's Who Wants To Marry A Quija Board? or Fox's Who'll Let A Pygmy Watch 'Em Bathe?
With an unprecedented 13-episode commitment and a "name" host in one Rick Solomon (you may know him from his work with Paris Hilton), I trust that we can not fail.
I'm sure that somewhere up in Heaven, Lombaire is looking down and weeping tears of pride.
As some of you may know, I've been kicking around the entertainment industry for quite some time, toiling away in the shadowy outskirts between widespread fame & acceptance and Gary Busey's RV. During this time, most of the projects I've undertaken have been, like this blog, self-initiated. So imagine my delight and surprise to learn that not only was an idea of mine in production, it was just months away from premiering on a major network!
Admittedly, this success has occured only after a long struggle with my conscience. Though I felt lucky for a foot in the door, it was with some reluctance that I first pitched a series proposal to the executives in Burbank. Film is my first love, and I haven't always had the greatest appreciation for television as a viable artistic medium. In fact, I've always thought of cinema as a proud, chaste beauty who only occasionally yields to the whims and wishes of a special man. TV, on the other hand, struck me as film's tarty, blowsy younger sister, peddling her wares to all and putting out for even the most down-in-the-mouth street-corner stranger, all the while spreading its banal sitcoms and self-serious cop shows like so much video chlymidia. And in the nearly six decades since those first cathode rays were beamed into American homes, just a few special geniuses have truly mastered this electronic Whore of Babylon: Rod Serling, with his scripts for Playhouse 90 and The Twilight Zone; Dennis Potter, in his captivating work for the BBC; and David Lynch on the early episodes of Twin Peaks.
But with the work previewed below, I hope it's not immodest to think that I have joined the pantheon.
With Who Wants To Marry A Magic 8 Ball?, I believe that television has finally crossed over from "reality" programming and into the brave new realm of "surreality" programming. Trust me, you won't see another show like it this year, not even ABC's Who Wants To Marry A Quija Board? or Fox's Who'll Let A Pygmy Watch 'Em Bathe?
With an unprecedented 13-episode commitment and a "name" host in one Rick Solomon (you may know him from his work with Paris Hilton), I trust that we can not fail.
I'm sure that somewhere up in Heaven, Lombaire is looking down and weeping tears of pride.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Site Traffic
I have to confess, after week one, this blogging thing is much more difficult than I ever imagined. In the wide, wide world of the Worldwide Web, the competition for "site hits" and "traffic" and "readership by more than a few close friends" can be quite fierce. So much so that even a man with the rigorous standards of professionalism of yours truly has been tempted to throw out a few attractive lures as bait for the unwashed masses. If I may mix...uh...metaphors?
Whatever the case, I happened to peruse this
site earlier, which lists the phrases most rapidly gaining popularity on the search engine Google. Now, I happen to use Google a lot, mostly to find mentions of my own name or if anyone I knew in high school has been added to a sex-offender registry. These searches would, of course, account for a relatively miniscule share of Google traffic - I would guess...less than ten percent. These, on the other hand, were the most popular search phrases of the week ending April 12:
1. easter
Yes, a Christian holiday was ranked number one. Mel Gibson, you are truly a genius for sensing a market potential untapped by all but the Left Behind creators, the gospel recording industry and Jack Chick.
2. elisha cuthbert
I have no idea who this is but some of the fakes are very good.
3. rebecca loos
Again, I don't know her. But from a quick review of the evidence, I don't even want to see her fakes.
4. jessica simpson
This woman, of course, has recently been the subject of much parody and smug ridicule in the television and print media. I don't see why; I think she deserves our support, not scorn, for having the courage to carry on - in full public view, no less - her marriage to the Backstreet Boys.
If I find any good fakes, I'll tell you.
5. miss usa
I haven't read up on this year's winner. I only hope that she will fulfill her mandate to promote world peace by speaking out against the Sharon settlement proposals.
6. irs
Ah yes, it was tax time once again. Luckily, I've never been audited but I will never forgive the agency for their monstrous treatment of men like Redd Foxx and Willie Nelson.
Of course, many celebrities are naive about money ("It's all about art, man!") and fall into financial ruin by following bad advice. A good example is Ike Turner. Back in the Seventies, Ike had a broker who told him he could yield a huge dividend if he beat his wife and developed a severe cocaine addiction. Poor Ike.
I'm only glad that Lombaire never had to deal with the pressure and strain of financial success.
7. william hung
I doubt these words were grouped together. But seriously, William, your fifteen minutes are just about up! Get out of show business now, before you end up as Merv Griffin's pool-boy.
8. good friday
Another Christian holiday. I'm still trying to get financing to open up my once-a-year Catholic theme restaurant, TGIGF.
9. omarosa
I think this is a skin disease.
10. masters golf
This makes sense. Golf is even more exciting to read about than to watch.
Don't be surprised to see a few of these phrases popping up more and more in future posts.
I have to confess, after week one, this blogging thing is much more difficult than I ever imagined. In the wide, wide world of the Worldwide Web, the competition for "site hits" and "traffic" and "readership by more than a few close friends" can be quite fierce. So much so that even a man with the rigorous standards of professionalism of yours truly has been tempted to throw out a few attractive lures as bait for the unwashed masses. If I may mix...uh...metaphors?
Whatever the case, I happened to peruse this
site earlier, which lists the phrases most rapidly gaining popularity on the search engine Google. Now, I happen to use Google a lot, mostly to find mentions of my own name or if anyone I knew in high school has been added to a sex-offender registry. These searches would, of course, account for a relatively miniscule share of Google traffic - I would guess...less than ten percent. These, on the other hand, were the most popular search phrases of the week ending April 12:
1. easter
Yes, a Christian holiday was ranked number one. Mel Gibson, you are truly a genius for sensing a market potential untapped by all but the Left Behind creators, the gospel recording industry and Jack Chick.
2. elisha cuthbert
I have no idea who this is but some of the fakes are very good.
3. rebecca loos
Again, I don't know her. But from a quick review of the evidence, I don't even want to see her fakes.
4. jessica simpson
This woman, of course, has recently been the subject of much parody and smug ridicule in the television and print media. I don't see why; I think she deserves our support, not scorn, for having the courage to carry on - in full public view, no less - her marriage to the Backstreet Boys.
If I find any good fakes, I'll tell you.
5. miss usa
I haven't read up on this year's winner. I only hope that she will fulfill her mandate to promote world peace by speaking out against the Sharon settlement proposals.
6. irs
Ah yes, it was tax time once again. Luckily, I've never been audited but I will never forgive the agency for their monstrous treatment of men like Redd Foxx and Willie Nelson.
Of course, many celebrities are naive about money ("It's all about art, man!") and fall into financial ruin by following bad advice. A good example is Ike Turner. Back in the Seventies, Ike had a broker who told him he could yield a huge dividend if he beat his wife and developed a severe cocaine addiction. Poor Ike.
I'm only glad that Lombaire never had to deal with the pressure and strain of financial success.
7. william hung
I doubt these words were grouped together. But seriously, William, your fifteen minutes are just about up! Get out of show business now, before you end up as Merv Griffin's pool-boy.
8. good friday
Another Christian holiday. I'm still trying to get financing to open up my once-a-year Catholic theme restaurant, TGIGF.
9. omarosa
I think this is a skin disease.
10. masters golf
This makes sense. Golf is even more exciting to read about than to watch.
Don't be surprised to see a few of these phrases popping up more and more in future posts.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
A Look Ahead
On weekends, LombaireFan is usually very busy, visiting his parents at the Andy Warhol 15 Minutes Of Rest Home in Greenwich Village. But here's a look ahead at some Lomblog entries in the planning stages for next week:
"Boy Scout Marriage: Is It Time To Let Those Kids Tie The Knot?"
"Live From Camp X-Ray: A Candid Interview With John Ashcroft's Removed Gall Bladder"
"Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Lombaire? The True Story Of A French Director's Almost-Romance With American Royalty"
"Who's Classy, Who's Gassy: Hollywood Restaurateurs Finally Speak The Truth"
Until then, enjoy these unretouched historical photos, courtesy Corbis, of the late US Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) working out:
On weekends, LombaireFan is usually very busy, visiting his parents at the Andy Warhol 15 Minutes Of Rest Home in Greenwich Village. But here's a look ahead at some Lomblog entries in the planning stages for next week:
"Boy Scout Marriage: Is It Time To Let Those Kids Tie The Knot?"
"Live From Camp X-Ray: A Candid Interview With John Ashcroft's Removed Gall Bladder"
"Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Lombaire? The True Story Of A French Director's Almost-Romance With American Royalty"
"Who's Classy, Who's Gassy: Hollywood Restaurateurs Finally Speak The Truth"
Until then, enjoy these unretouched historical photos, courtesy Corbis, of the late US Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) working out:
Friday, April 16, 2004
Coming to off-Broadway
I rarely like to comment directly on the news of the day but occasionally a headline grabs me and fires up ye olde creative kindling:
LIL' KIM CHARGED IN NEW YORK SHOOTING PROBE
This news is of course very tragic for Ms. Kim, her family, and just possibly, all Orientals. But tragedy is the stuff of which great art is made. After all, would audiences have flocked to a movie in which the Titanic docked, or the Elephant Man merely had a bad case of backne? I doubt it.
In any case, this story, along with the spirit of Topol, has inspired me to once again dabble in the musical and theatrical arts. With a nod in the direction of a classic, I have composed the initial verse and chorus to a song that I hope will be the foundation for my next, true-to-life, off-Broadway play. Enjoy, and tell me what you think:
(Prosecutor)
Is this the Lil' Kim I questioned?
Why won't the Lil' Kim give us play?
(Lil' Kim)
I don't remember someone shooting
When did they?
(Prosecutor)
Kim, do you realize you're under oath here?
Perjury is a very serious charge
(Lil' Kim)
Bitch, don't you know I'm very busy?
Liv-in' large
(Reporters)
Lil' Kim indicted
Lil' Kim indicted
Oh yes, so sad
For all those who enjoyed how scan-tily
She was clad
I rarely like to comment directly on the news of the day but occasionally a headline grabs me and fires up ye olde creative kindling:
LIL' KIM CHARGED IN NEW YORK SHOOTING PROBE
This news is of course very tragic for Ms. Kim, her family, and just possibly, all Orientals. But tragedy is the stuff of which great art is made. After all, would audiences have flocked to a movie in which the Titanic docked, or the Elephant Man merely had a bad case of backne? I doubt it.
In any case, this story, along with the spirit of Topol, has inspired me to once again dabble in the musical and theatrical arts. With a nod in the direction of a classic, I have composed the initial verse and chorus to a song that I hope will be the foundation for my next, true-to-life, off-Broadway play. Enjoy, and tell me what you think:
(Prosecutor)
Is this the Lil' Kim I questioned?
Why won't the Lil' Kim give us play?
(Lil' Kim)
I don't remember someone shooting
When did they?
(Prosecutor)
Kim, do you realize you're under oath here?
Perjury is a very serious charge
(Lil' Kim)
Bitch, don't you know I'm very busy?
Liv-in' large
(Reporters)
Lil' Kim indicted
Lil' Kim indicted
Oh yes, so sad
For all those who enjoyed how scan-tily
She was clad
The Bob Stops Here
Allow me a personal note on an issue I feel strongly about.
It was my niece's fifth birthday recently, and being the dutiful uncle that I am, I inquired of her parents what kind of present she might like on the big day. They offered several suggestions but told me the one thing she wanted most of all was a Spongebob Squarepants doll.
Now, I have to admit I'm a little out to sea when it comes to children's entertainment. Frankly, I don't really enjoy being reminded of the pre-adolescent set much, as their very presence not only conjures up painful memories of my own childhood but an inconsolate feeling of lost youth slipping away as the malignant cancer of adulthood and eventual death slowly creep upon me, like an ominous black cloud on an otherwise beautiful summer afternoon, hovering, taunting, as if to say, "You can't have it all." Of course, I've never discussed this with Kayla, my niece. Pretty name, isn't it?
Anyway, I was blissfully ignorant about this Spongebob character. But it took just one look to realize he is obviously a heartless, vile caricature of our friends in the mentally-disabled community.
From the poor complexion and overenthusiastic grin accompanied by a large overbite, to the high-riding short pants and knee-high socks, all topped by the bulging cross-eyes, the creators of this so-called "toy" couldn't have made their intentions more clear if they had named it Spongebob Differently-AbledPants.
But whatever profit they've reaped so far, I refused to participate. I dropped the doll, and decided to buy my niece The Lombaire Collection (Trividion; $4.95) and the memoirs of Susan Strasberg.
Neither Kayla nor her parents were very happy but I have a feeling that some day they'll thank me.
Allow me a personal note on an issue I feel strongly about.
It was my niece's fifth birthday recently, and being the dutiful uncle that I am, I inquired of her parents what kind of present she might like on the big day. They offered several suggestions but told me the one thing she wanted most of all was a Spongebob Squarepants doll.
Now, I have to admit I'm a little out to sea when it comes to children's entertainment. Frankly, I don't really enjoy being reminded of the pre-adolescent set much, as their very presence not only conjures up painful memories of my own childhood but an inconsolate feeling of lost youth slipping away as the malignant cancer of adulthood and eventual death slowly creep upon me, like an ominous black cloud on an otherwise beautiful summer afternoon, hovering, taunting, as if to say, "You can't have it all." Of course, I've never discussed this with Kayla, my niece. Pretty name, isn't it?
Anyway, I was blissfully ignorant about this Spongebob character. But it took just one look to realize he is obviously a heartless, vile caricature of our friends in the mentally-disabled community.
From the poor complexion and overenthusiastic grin accompanied by a large overbite, to the high-riding short pants and knee-high socks, all topped by the bulging cross-eyes, the creators of this so-called "toy" couldn't have made their intentions more clear if they had named it Spongebob Differently-AbledPants.
But whatever profit they've reaped so far, I refused to participate. I dropped the doll, and decided to buy my niece The Lombaire Collection (Trividion; $4.95) and the memoirs of Susan Strasberg.
Neither Kayla nor her parents were very happy but I have a feeling that some day they'll thank me.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
The Jesus Junket
This week, Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ once again claimed the top crown at the box office, beating out (appropriately enough) last week's #1, Hellboy. Yes, after more than a month of wide release, the Passion phenomenon shows no sign of abating. Now, normally, I don't care too much for box office statistics; certainly, Lombaire didn't. Except I consider myself very fortunate, for a few weeks ago, I scored one of the earliest interviews with the film's principal character and spiritual inspiritation as he began a massive publicity tour across the United States.
I met Jesus Christ at his room in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, conveniently located in midtown Manhattan. Trim, bearded, and standing a little over 6' feet tall, he looked every inch the blessed, 33-year-old savior who had died for the world's sins.
Mine would be the fifth print interview conducted with Jesus that day but certainly not the last. He had already spoken with Le Monde, The Christian Science Monitor, The Village Voice (which pressed him hard on his Iraq stance), and Rolling Stone (who asked him to pose for the cover of its "Who's Hot?" issue with actress Brittany Murphy; he declined). He also had a busy schedule of TV appearances lined up, as seen in the accompanying portrait.
Of course, I've been around big stars before, stars that commanded everyone's attention with their mere physical presence; Pam Dawber comes to mind. But I've never seen a celebrity whose physicality literally lit up a room the way Jesus did. Just to ease the pressure, I began our conversation with a bit of light banter:
LOMBAIRE FAN: You know, I really don't think you can prepare too much for an interview like this. One thing I've been struggling with all day: how should I address you? Is it alright if I call you "J-Chri"?
JESUS CHRIST: (Laughs) You'd be surprised by how many people have used that line, just in the few hours since I started this thing.
LF: Well, forgive me for being unoriginal...you must get that a lot too, eh? "Forgive me"?
JC: (unsmiling) No.
LF: Well, let's talk about the film. I have to confess I haven't seen it yet.
JC: No sweat. I understand the lines are very long.
LF: Well, I tried to see the film but I was in Times Square, I thought I was going to see it and I ended up seeing The Passion of the Christophers, which was a completely different kind of film.
JC: Oh...the kind of film that was played in Babylonia perhaps?
LF: Yes, perhaps. Strangely enough, this film was
also in Aramaic, which I was kinda impressed by.
So, speaking of that, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?
JC: Oooh. I was afraid this would come up.
LF: That's what she said!
JC: What?
LF: Uh, never mind.
JC: Well, as you can imagine, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But I do have friends that are homosexual, just as I have friends who are whores, thieves and money-changers.
LF: But surely you're not lumping them all into the same boat?
JC: Of course not. Who do I look like - Noah?!
LF: (Laughs) It's fascinating to hear you say that though, because as I understand it, 10% of the population is gay. So that means that out of the 12 apostles - if I'm doing my math correctly - almost 1 and a quarter were gay.
JC: (Chuckles) I never asked. I mean, I needed all the help I could get, and those guys were there for me. Mostly.
LF: Which brings up another touchy subject. As you know, a lot of people have said the film is anti-Semitic. How do you take those accusations?
JC: It hits me pretty hard, I have to admit. As everybody knows, I come from a Jewish background. And I've never tried to deny it or run away from it in any way.
LF: Unlike some in the entertainment industry.
JC: Well...you said it, not me.
LF: But if the film's not anti-Semitic...surely it's not exactly pro-Semitic, is it, Jesus?
JC: Hey, look, it tells my story as truthfully as it can. And reality intrudes somewhat. You can only sugarcoat things so much. I mean, let's get real here: Judas Iscariot was not a Swede. It takes place in Israel, so what do you know...there are Jews in it! And some of them are good and some are bad.
LF: Understood. Another controversy, this one unrelated to the movie, that I just have to ask you about: did you really tell Pat Robertson that Bush would win "in a walk"?
JC: I did say that but that comment has been completely misinterpreted. That was late December; everyone thought Bush was going to win in a walk. But things have changed. Right now, if I had to bet - and if betting weren't an insidious invitation to mortal sin - I'd give Kerry the edge, as long as he can take advantage of the outsourcing issue in the critical Midwestern swing states like Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin.
LF: How do you vote?
JC: I don't, actually. Obviously, I don't lack interest; I'm just soo busy. I'm kinda everywhere at once and part of everything...it's hard to find the time. But I do like some of the things Dennis Kucinich has been saying. In fact, if I could arrange such things, I'd intervene and help him find a missus.
LF: You can't arrange such things?? There goes my next question!
JC: Oh, your time will come.
LF: Good to know. Ok, one more for the road: what has the reaction to you on the streets been like?
JC: It's been great. People come up to me and say things like, "You da man, Jesus!" or "13 years sober - and it's all because of you." It gets a little wild with some of the older ladies but that's ok.
LF: Bit of a Tom Jones reaction, huh?
JC: (Laughs) Heh...I guess.
LF: Well, Jesus, it was a pleasure talking to you.
JC: Likewise.
LF: And I hope you come back.
JC: I will. But not to New York. (winks)
This week, Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ once again claimed the top crown at the box office, beating out (appropriately enough) last week's #1, Hellboy. Yes, after more than a month of wide release, the Passion phenomenon shows no sign of abating. Now, normally, I don't care too much for box office statistics; certainly, Lombaire didn't. Except I consider myself very fortunate, for a few weeks ago, I scored one of the earliest interviews with the film's principal character and spiritual inspiritation as he began a massive publicity tour across the United States.
I met Jesus Christ at his room in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, conveniently located in midtown Manhattan. Trim, bearded, and standing a little over 6' feet tall, he looked every inch the blessed, 33-year-old savior who had died for the world's sins.
Mine would be the fifth print interview conducted with Jesus that day but certainly not the last. He had already spoken with Le Monde, The Christian Science Monitor, The Village Voice (which pressed him hard on his Iraq stance), and Rolling Stone (who asked him to pose for the cover of its "Who's Hot?" issue with actress Brittany Murphy; he declined). He also had a busy schedule of TV appearances lined up, as seen in the accompanying portrait.
Of course, I've been around big stars before, stars that commanded everyone's attention with their mere physical presence; Pam Dawber comes to mind. But I've never seen a celebrity whose physicality literally lit up a room the way Jesus did. Just to ease the pressure, I began our conversation with a bit of light banter:
LOMBAIRE FAN: You know, I really don't think you can prepare too much for an interview like this. One thing I've been struggling with all day: how should I address you? Is it alright if I call you "J-Chri"?
JESUS CHRIST: (Laughs) You'd be surprised by how many people have used that line, just in the few hours since I started this thing.
LF: Well, forgive me for being unoriginal...you must get that a lot too, eh? "Forgive me"?
JC: (unsmiling) No.
LF: Well, let's talk about the film. I have to confess I haven't seen it yet.
JC: No sweat. I understand the lines are very long.
LF: Well, I tried to see the film but I was in Times Square, I thought I was going to see it and I ended up seeing The Passion of the Christophers, which was a completely different kind of film.
JC: Oh...the kind of film that was played in Babylonia perhaps?
LF: Yes, perhaps. Strangely enough, this film was
also in Aramaic, which I was kinda impressed by.
So, speaking of that, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?
JC: Oooh. I was afraid this would come up.
LF: That's what she said!
JC: What?
LF: Uh, never mind.
JC: Well, as you can imagine, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But I do have friends that are homosexual, just as I have friends who are whores, thieves and money-changers.
LF: But surely you're not lumping them all into the same boat?
JC: Of course not. Who do I look like - Noah?!
LF: (Laughs) It's fascinating to hear you say that though, because as I understand it, 10% of the population is gay. So that means that out of the 12 apostles - if I'm doing my math correctly - almost 1 and a quarter were gay.
JC: (Chuckles) I never asked. I mean, I needed all the help I could get, and those guys were there for me. Mostly.
LF: Which brings up another touchy subject. As you know, a lot of people have said the film is anti-Semitic. How do you take those accusations?
JC: It hits me pretty hard, I have to admit. As everybody knows, I come from a Jewish background. And I've never tried to deny it or run away from it in any way.
LF: Unlike some in the entertainment industry.
JC: Well...you said it, not me.
LF: But if the film's not anti-Semitic...surely it's not exactly pro-Semitic, is it, Jesus?
JC: Hey, look, it tells my story as truthfully as it can. And reality intrudes somewhat. You can only sugarcoat things so much. I mean, let's get real here: Judas Iscariot was not a Swede. It takes place in Israel, so what do you know...there are Jews in it! And some of them are good and some are bad.
LF: Understood. Another controversy, this one unrelated to the movie, that I just have to ask you about: did you really tell Pat Robertson that Bush would win "in a walk"?
JC: I did say that but that comment has been completely misinterpreted. That was late December; everyone thought Bush was going to win in a walk. But things have changed. Right now, if I had to bet - and if betting weren't an insidious invitation to mortal sin - I'd give Kerry the edge, as long as he can take advantage of the outsourcing issue in the critical Midwestern swing states like Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin.
LF: How do you vote?
JC: I don't, actually. Obviously, I don't lack interest; I'm just soo busy. I'm kinda everywhere at once and part of everything...it's hard to find the time. But I do like some of the things Dennis Kucinich has been saying. In fact, if I could arrange such things, I'd intervene and help him find a missus.
LF: You can't arrange such things?? There goes my next question!
JC: Oh, your time will come.
LF: Good to know. Ok, one more for the road: what has the reaction to you on the streets been like?
JC: It's been great. People come up to me and say things like, "You da man, Jesus!" or "13 years sober - and it's all because of you." It gets a little wild with some of the older ladies but that's ok.
LF: Bit of a Tom Jones reaction, huh?
JC: (Laughs) Heh...I guess.
LF: Well, Jesus, it was a pleasure talking to you.
JC: Likewise.
LF: And I hope you come back.
JC: I will. But not to New York. (winks)
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Belated Condolences
This happened a few weeks ago, so I didn't get to comment at the time but I'm sure we all heard about the assassination of Sheik Ahmed Yassin.
Regardless of what one thinks about Mr. Yassin's political views or his leadership of a terrorist organization, I think we can all agree that he did a terrific job playing Bea Arthur's husband on the Maude show some years back.
Why this period of his life has been ignored in all the news accounts, I have no idea. But as with OJ Simpson's work in the Naked Gun series, I hope someday a sense of perspective can be reached.
This happened a few weeks ago, so I didn't get to comment at the time but I'm sure we all heard about the assassination of Sheik Ahmed Yassin.
Regardless of what one thinks about Mr. Yassin's political views or his leadership of a terrorist organization, I think we can all agree that he did a terrific job playing Bea Arthur's husband on the Maude show some years back.
Why this period of his life has been ignored in all the news accounts, I have no idea. But as with OJ Simpson's work in the Naked Gun series, I hope someday a sense of perspective can be reached.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Hello and welcome!
I've finally found a forum that allows me to communicate with the outside world, and without the constant interference of rude debunkers, computer-programmed strumpets, and various others that stand in the way of me - as Bob Dylan once put it - "keep on keepin' on, like a bird that flew." For now these wings are free, baby, and I intend to spread 'em for all the world to see!
In case you're wondering, the name of this site is derived from the great French director FJ Lombaire. I have spent most of my time on the Internet trying to bring his work to the attention of the masses, who seem all too content to waste their lives and dollars on the latest mediocre blockbuster starring "the Rock", Vin Diesel or J-Lo (btw, I call her "J-Ho" - how's that for clever?). Lombaire was a truly challenging director and until his name is finally recognized by the Academy, or at very least, the IMDB, I will not rest on my laurels.
But I will also take time out to comment on current events, for I am a man of very strong, somewhat well-informed opinions. However, this will not be primarily a political site. I'd hate to see the great name of Lombaire become inextricably linked with controversial activity, the way the names of actors Jane Fonda, Vanessa Redgrave, Charlton Heston and the singing duo Steve Lawrence and Edie Amin have been. Never fear; I am not afraid to take a stand. For instance, I am very anti-rape room. I just don't wear these causes on my sleeve.
Soon, I hope to add a bit of biographical information on Mr. Lombaire, and on myself. I will also add some accoutrements typical of other blogs, such as a link to my e-mail address (no naughty pictures please - I'm not looking for a Fatal Affliction!) and one to my Amazon wishlist. Why I need a wishlist, I don't know; I'm not a 12-year-old with leukemia. But it seems to be very popular in blogland, so I see no reason not to include it.
We have just embarked on a great adventure, full of wine, women, cheese and song. Sadly, I must depart for now but think about tomorrow as I bid you...
Adieu!
I've finally found a forum that allows me to communicate with the outside world, and without the constant interference of rude debunkers, computer-programmed strumpets, and various others that stand in the way of me - as Bob Dylan once put it - "keep on keepin' on, like a bird that flew." For now these wings are free, baby, and I intend to spread 'em for all the world to see!
In case you're wondering, the name of this site is derived from the great French director FJ Lombaire. I have spent most of my time on the Internet trying to bring his work to the attention of the masses, who seem all too content to waste their lives and dollars on the latest mediocre blockbuster starring "the Rock", Vin Diesel or J-Lo (btw, I call her "J-Ho" - how's that for clever?). Lombaire was a truly challenging director and until his name is finally recognized by the Academy, or at very least, the IMDB, I will not rest on my laurels.
But I will also take time out to comment on current events, for I am a man of very strong, somewhat well-informed opinions. However, this will not be primarily a political site. I'd hate to see the great name of Lombaire become inextricably linked with controversial activity, the way the names of actors Jane Fonda, Vanessa Redgrave, Charlton Heston and the singing duo Steve Lawrence and Edie Amin have been. Never fear; I am not afraid to take a stand. For instance, I am very anti-rape room. I just don't wear these causes on my sleeve.
Soon, I hope to add a bit of biographical information on Mr. Lombaire, and on myself. I will also add some accoutrements typical of other blogs, such as a link to my e-mail address (no naughty pictures please - I'm not looking for a Fatal Affliction!) and one to my Amazon wishlist. Why I need a wishlist, I don't know; I'm not a 12-year-old with leukemia. But it seems to be very popular in blogland, so I see no reason not to include it.
We have just embarked on a great adventure, full of wine, women, cheese and song. Sadly, I must depart for now but think about tomorrow as I bid you...
Adieu!
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