Quick Takes
Unusual for me, I know. But here's some random thoughts on recent happenings:
The 9-11 Movie
Tonight, ABC aired part one of The Path To 9/11, a controversial docu-dramedy loosely based on actual events. A lot of liberal blogs tried to get the film pulled, saying it was unfair to former President Clinton. Is it? Well, I don't know. But having caught a bit of Path myself, I can say the movie brought forth some startling revelations. Like: I had no idea that Clinton's anti-terrorism task force was jointly headed by Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen. Or that Al Qaeda's official "fight anthem" during the 1990's was Fleetwood Mac's "(Don't Stop) Thinking About Tomorrow".
Kinda makes you wonder what else was covered up during the Clinton years. If only the press corps back in those days was as aggressive, probing, and unafraid to challenge the official line as the Washington media of the last five years.
The blogstorm did achieve one victory though: ABC has agreed to postpone part 2 of PT911. It will now air in September 2008.
Brangelina Take A Stangelina
On Friday, Brad Pitt revealed he will not become a husband again until "everyone else in America" can marry who they want.
I don't think there's been enough made of what a daring statement this is. Pitt is saying he's so committed to the cause of gay marriage, he'll have officially illicit intercourse with Angelina Jolie until all fifty states recognize it.
Other stars have spoken out on behalf of homosexuals. But Pitt is the first to openly embrace the horrible, box-office-diminishing stigma "unwed father" just to show his solidarity. He's willing to put his money where Angelina's mouth is.
"Brangelina" aren't "shacking up" (and raising half of Africa) - they're living in progressive sin. More power to them.
And one other thing:
Jenifer Aniston, you should be ashamed of yourself, you filthy bigot!
Site Redesign
Yes, Lomblog looks a bit different now that we've switched over to Blogger Beta. Frankly, I think we look smashing - much better than Katie Couric. However, there are still some nooks and crannies that need polishing. Some of the archival pages aren't running real well. But then, they weren't written well either.
I'm especially enjoying the new "label" feature. If you have suggestions for how a post should be labeled, post them in comments or in e-mail. As long as they're not unflattering.
Finally, I'm looking for someone to paint my official portrait, which I hope to include somewhere on the site. It should be modeled somewhat on this.
Until tomorrow,
LF
Showing posts with label al qaeda. Show all posts
Showing posts with label al qaeda. Show all posts
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
What Are You Looking At?
By Special Guest Blogger, Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi
Mr. al-Saeedi - reportedly Al Qaeda's no. 2 man in Iraq - was recently captured near Baghdad.
Hey - stop staring! Yeah, I know I don't photograph well. Get over it! How do you think you'd look if someone pulled you out of your spiderhole at 3 in the morning? Besides, you've seen that celebrity mug-shot site - most of 'em wish they looked this good! The one thing I don't like is those green borders around my face. They make it look like I got busted in the stall next to George Michael. But what can you do?
You know, a lot of Westerners come up to me after I've threatened them, and they say, "Hamed, why is it I'm always hearing about Al-Qaeda's 'no. 2' being arrested? How can that be? You people have more no. 2's than a bathroom at Taco Bell!" And I say, "Infidel, there's only one way to explain it."
I sing:
Harry Nilsson, man. So underrated.
I follow the news, you know. Before I was nabbed, I read about those Fox News reporters kidnapped in Gaza. Even as a hardened professional Jihadist, that story gave me chills. I mean, can you imagine those people? Scared, helpless, brainwashed - and then they were kidnapped! Zing! Actually, some of us Al-Qaedies in Iraq were going to grab Geraldo Rivera and make him our new spokesman. Then we realized - we're trying to gain followers, not lose them! Double Zing!
Big week for the AQ, of course. We put out a new tape. I guess I was the only one in the whole organization who thought it would be a good idea to call them "Jihadcasts". How many times do I have to say it - we don't have to reject everything modern! But headquarters doesn't listen.
The September 11 anniversary is coming up next week. Man, can you believe it? I was just in training camp back then. You know, I remember that Woody Allen movie - and don't stone me, my brothers, I know he's a Zionist - where Alan Alda says "Comedy is tragedy plus time." So true. Five years ago, I couldn't make jokes about the death of Mohammed Atta. Now, I can say this, but just between you and me: I don't think Mohammed was looking to meet 72 female virgins. He was a little light in the flight plans, if you know what I mean. Bought his box cutters in the Village, if you catch my drift. Come on, look at the photos - he's a 'stache away from Freddie Mercury. Dude hadn't seen twin towers since he was breastfeeding. Oh, for Allah's sake, don't listen to me - I'm just riffin'.
Well, interrogation time is starting up so I best get going. As we used to say in the Seventies, keep on truckbombin'!
Hamed
By Special Guest Blogger, Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi
Mr. al-Saeedi - reportedly Al Qaeda's no. 2 man in Iraq - was recently captured near Baghdad.
Hey - stop staring! Yeah, I know I don't photograph well. Get over it! How do you think you'd look if someone pulled you out of your spiderhole at 3 in the morning? Besides, you've seen that celebrity mug-shot site - most of 'em wish they looked this good! The one thing I don't like is those green borders around my face. They make it look like I got busted in the stall next to George Michael. But what can you do?
You know, a lot of Westerners come up to me after I've threatened them, and they say, "Hamed, why is it I'm always hearing about Al-Qaeda's 'no. 2' being arrested? How can that be? You people have more no. 2's than a bathroom at Taco Bell!" And I say, "Infidel, there's only one way to explain it."
I sing:
Two is the greatest Al-Qaeda you'll ever find
Two can be as big as One
Number One's Osama and he ain't gonna come
Noooo
BRIDGE
It's just no good anymore since Zarqawi died
Now we spend our time
Threatening airlines
With Gatorade and Tide
Harry Nilsson, man. So underrated.
I follow the news, you know. Before I was nabbed, I read about those Fox News reporters kidnapped in Gaza. Even as a hardened professional Jihadist, that story gave me chills. I mean, can you imagine those people? Scared, helpless, brainwashed - and then they were kidnapped! Zing! Actually, some of us Al-Qaedies in Iraq were going to grab Geraldo Rivera and make him our new spokesman. Then we realized - we're trying to gain followers, not lose them! Double Zing!
Big week for the AQ, of course. We put out a new tape. I guess I was the only one in the whole organization who thought it would be a good idea to call them "Jihadcasts". How many times do I have to say it - we don't have to reject everything modern! But headquarters doesn't listen.
The September 11 anniversary is coming up next week. Man, can you believe it? I was just in training camp back then. You know, I remember that Woody Allen movie - and don't stone me, my brothers, I know he's a Zionist - where Alan Alda says "Comedy is tragedy plus time." So true. Five years ago, I couldn't make jokes about the death of Mohammed Atta. Now, I can say this, but just between you and me: I don't think Mohammed was looking to meet 72 female virgins. He was a little light in the flight plans, if you know what I mean. Bought his box cutters in the Village, if you catch my drift. Come on, look at the photos - he's a 'stache away from Freddie Mercury. Dude hadn't seen twin towers since he was breastfeeding. Oh, for Allah's sake, don't listen to me - I'm just riffin'.
Well, interrogation time is starting up so I best get going. As we used to say in the Seventies, keep on truckbombin'!
Hamed
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Chat With A Bin Laden Mistress
Last week, a Sudanese woman named Kola Boof made headlines worldwide with her claims of a relationship with terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden. Now, another woman - this time an American - has stepped forward to describe her experiences with the world's most wanted man.
While the happenings in Boof's tale allegedly took place a decade ago, Karen Maroney - a thirty-three-year-old customer service representative from Reno, Nevada - writes of a romance with Bin-Laden that commenced after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks that brought the Al-Qaeda leader household infamy.
I spoke with Ms. Maroney via phone earlier this evening:
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello. So how exactly did you, an American, come to meet Mr. Bin Laden?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Through Craigslist.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That seems implausible.
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, I've met lots of people through there. If you're single, you should definitely check it out.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But Osama Bin-Laden?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He responded to your ad?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No, I responded to his.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
What did it say?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, keep in mind, this was over a year ago, and I'm not one who saves things but it said something like: "Tall, wealthy, likes to travel. Seeks obedient Westerner. Must be STD-free and hate the scourge of Zionism. No BBWs pls."
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And you responded to that?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Sure, why not?
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And how did you find out it was him?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
He sent me a picture, and I said, "Are you that guy on CNN?" He was kind of bashful at first, but after a while he admitted it.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait - he e-mailed you a picture?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No. It was through his camera phone.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He has a camera phone?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yeah - do you have one?
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Not important. Beyond all that, when did this flirtation turn romantic?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
When he opened up to me about his health. The last few years have been really rough on him, he told me. Because of this, he said if we ever met, he might not be able to "perform" as he might like. And, well...I saw a different side of him. He was vulnerable, and real to me for the first time.
What can I say? I'm a woman. I just wanted to reach through the Motorola, wipe that mountain dust off his beard, and say, "Osamie, you don't have to hide anymore. This time, you've been found. By me."
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Very revealing. And in its own way, very touching.
And you say that you did meet eventually?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We met at the Bellagio.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
In Vegas?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We didn't hit any of the casinos; he's very strict about that. But he was there. Not alone; he was with his posse.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Who was in his "posse"?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, a bunch of guys. But there were four of us in the room that night: me, Osama, Saddam Hussein and Mohamed Atta.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And this was last year?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Thereabouts.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That can't be.
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Like I told you, I don't know all the dates. But I know what I saw...and what I felt.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, ok.
You know, coincidentally, there's another woman with a book, Kola Boof, who claims to have had an affair with Bin-Laden. Do you believe her?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, she's a total liar. Didn't she say he was obsessed with Whitney Houston?
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Yes.
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
I happen to know he much prefers Alicia Keys.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Interesting.
I guess a big question we've overlooked in all this: have you ever been contacted by the FBI?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. Shortly after my book's publication was announced, they told me they were looking for Arabic translators.
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Karen Maroney, thanks for talking to me. And good luck.
Last week, a Sudanese woman named Kola Boof made headlines worldwide with her claims of a relationship with terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden. Now, another woman - this time an American - has stepped forward to describe her experiences with the world's most wanted man.
While the happenings in Boof's tale allegedly took place a decade ago, Karen Maroney - a thirty-three-year-old customer service representative from Reno, Nevada - writes of a romance with Bin-Laden that commenced after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks that brought the Al-Qaeda leader household infamy.
I spoke with Ms. Maroney via phone earlier this evening:
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello. So how exactly did you, an American, come to meet Mr. Bin Laden?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Through Craigslist.Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That seems implausible. Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, I've met lots of people through there. If you're single, you should definitely check it out. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But Osama Bin-Laden? Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes.Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He responded to your ad?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No, I responded to his. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
What did it say?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, keep in mind, this was over a year ago, and I'm not one who saves things but it said something like: "Tall, wealthy, likes to travel. Seeks obedient Westerner. Must be STD-free and hate the scourge of Zionism. No BBWs pls." Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And you responded to that?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Sure, why not?Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And how did you find out it was him? Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
He sent me a picture, and I said, "Are you that guy on CNN?" He was kind of bashful at first, but after a while he admitted it. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait - he e-mailed you a picture? Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No. It was through his camera phone.Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He has a camera phone?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yeah - do you have one?Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Not important. Beyond all that, when did this flirtation turn romantic?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
When he opened up to me about his health. The last few years have been really rough on him, he told me. Because of this, he said if we ever met, he might not be able to "perform" as he might like. And, well...I saw a different side of him. He was vulnerable, and real to me for the first time. What can I say? I'm a woman. I just wanted to reach through the Motorola, wipe that mountain dust off his beard, and say, "Osamie, you don't have to hide anymore. This time, you've been found. By me."
Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Very revealing. And in its own way, very touching. And you say that you did meet eventually?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We met at the Bellagio. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
In Vegas?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We didn't hit any of the casinos; he's very strict about that. But he was there. Not alone; he was with his posse. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Who was in his "posse"?Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, a bunch of guys. But there were four of us in the room that night: me, Osama, Saddam Hussein and Mohamed Atta. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And this was last year? Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Thereabouts. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That can't be. Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Like I told you, I don't know all the dates. But I know what I saw...and what I felt. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, ok. You know, coincidentally, there's another woman with a book, Kola Boof, who claims to have had an affair with Bin-Laden. Do you believe her?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, she's a total liar. Didn't she say he was obsessed with Whitney Houston?Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Yes. Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
I happen to know he much prefers Alicia Keys. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Interesting.I guess a big question we've overlooked in all this: have you ever been contacted by the FBI?
Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. Shortly after my book's publication was announced, they told me they were looking for Arabic translators. Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Karen Maroney, thanks for talking to me. And good luck.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Eavesdropping The Ball
Yesterday, President Bush visited the National Security Agency - an organization so secretive it refuses to reveal its initials - in an attempt to buck up staffers charged with the tedious task of "decoding" America's smileys. The agency has taken the lead role in a massive domestic spying program that some call "Big Brother" and others call "elimiRIGHTS". For like most of the president's decisions, it's hard to find a middle ground. Defenders claim eavesdropping is a vital tool in the War on Terror as we seek to scope out those radical Islamists within our midst that always phone home during Ramadan. Critics charge Bush's actions are not only invasive and unnecessary but a betrayal of our Founders' intent: that America be a nation of laws, not of Mr. Furleys.
I, of course, have strong feelings on this issue. But I'm keeping them to myself out of fear that they will make me a target of government surveillance, just like MLK back in the '60s. And he didn't even blog! Unless you count this.
No, what really concerns me, an amateur terror-fighter, is the Feds' utter unresponsiveness to citizen informants. Witness this transcript of a recent call to the FBI tipline:
Hopefully the publication of this transcript will shame the government into taking terrorism prevention a bit more seriously.
Yesterday, President Bush visited the National Security Agency - an organization so secretive it refuses to reveal its initials - in an attempt to buck up staffers charged with the tedious task of "decoding" America's smileys. The agency has taken the lead role in a massive domestic spying program that some call "Big Brother" and others call "elimiRIGHTS". For like most of the president's decisions, it's hard to find a middle ground. Defenders claim eavesdropping is a vital tool in the War on Terror as we seek to scope out those radical Islamists within our midst that always phone home during Ramadan. Critics charge Bush's actions are not only invasive and unnecessary but a betrayal of our Founders' intent: that America be a nation of laws, not of Mr. Furleys.
I, of course, have strong feelings on this issue. But I'm keeping them to myself out of fear that they will make me a target of government surveillance, just like MLK back in the '60s. And he didn't even blog! Unless you count this.
No, what really concerns me, an amateur terror-fighter, is the Feds' utter unresponsiveness to citizen informants. Witness this transcript of a recent call to the FBI tipline:
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Hello? Is this the FBI? I want to report some suspicious activity.
OPERATOR: Yes? Go on.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, nothing I've witnessed firsthand. But I think my girlfriend is seeing an Al Qaeda operative.
OPERATOR: And why do you think this?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Just a hunch. I've seen them together a couple of times now. He's a large man - about 6'3; dark hair, dark complexion...especially lately; and beard. Well, not a full beard, but you know, facial hair. Like Skeet Ulrich?
OPERATOR: And is he of Arab descent?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: That I don't know, and I'm not really one for stereotyping but...(pause)
OPERATOR: What? Is there anything else?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Yes. Do you remember that shoe bomber?
OPERATOR: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, this guy owns a LOT of shoes. A lot. Like a new pair every day. And one time, I followed him. Into a shoe store. He was buying these big snow boots, like Timberlands, I think, and --
OPERATOR: Could you speed this up a bit? What did you find suspicious?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, like I said - nothing I've seen firsthand. But it's an outdoor cafe where they eat every day - sometimes at noon, sometimes around three o'clock....and once, when I went to pick up some groceries around five, I happened to pass by, and there they were...
OPERATOR: And you've overheard conversations that troubled you?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well no, I wouldn't expect them to be plotting right out there in the open! But I've seen them together a few times now, and everytime I do, I just get this sinking feeling. A feeling of, "This guy is going to blow up downtown LA."
OPERATOR: And have you talked to your girlfriend about this?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: God no! What, do you think I'm nuts?!
OPERATOR: So you decided to call the FBI?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Well, I just read about this surveillance program, and I thought you could maybe...do some things like.....well, not tap her phone because she really doesn't use a landline much, but if you could somehow get her cell phone records.....e-mail...her AIM account, which is sweetiegurl515.....if you could just get some of that and maybe share the information with me -
OPERATOR: Uh, even if we were to follow up on your report, we wouldn't be able to share any of that with you.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Really? Why not?
OPERATOR: It's not our policy to share sensitive information in a criminal investigation with a private citizen.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: But I'm her boyfriend!
OPERATOR: Sorry.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Damnit. Ok, it was worth a try.
OPERATOR: Thank you for contacting us.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Thank you for listening.
OPERATOR: Goodbye.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Oh wait -
OPERATOR: Yes?
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: Don't tell her I called, ok.
OPERATOR: Ok.
UNIDENTIFIED CALLER: I could be totally wrong about this. It could be her brother for all I know but I don't think so. (Dial Tone) Are you still there?
Hopefully the publication of this transcript will shame the government into taking terrorism prevention a bit more seriously.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Back Again
LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.
The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.
I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.
(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT
INTRO
(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!
1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!
1ST BREAK
Now STOP!
1ST VERSE
Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm
You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming
BRIDGE
You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!
2ND CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!
2ND BREAK
Now DROP! And HIDE!
2ND VERSE
Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter
'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you
2ND BRIDGE
For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!
3RD CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities
Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!
LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.
The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.
I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.
(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT
INTRO
(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!
1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!
1ST BREAK
Now STOP!
1ST VERSE
Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm
You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming
BRIDGE
You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!
2ND CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!
2ND BREAK
Now DROP! And HIDE!
2ND VERSE
Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter
'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you
2ND BRIDGE
For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!
3RD CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities
Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!
Saturday, July 24, 2004
9-11 Report
On Thursday, the National Commission On Terrorist Attacks Upon The United States (boy, is that a mouthful) issued its highly-anticipated 9-11 report. Though hardly conventional summer beach fare, it's certainly a page-turner and therefore the perfect candidate to commence LF's Book Club, a regular feature that I hope will do for literacy what my previous efforts have done to harm it. However, I can't say I enjoyed this volume as much as I had hoped.
Maybe my expectations were too high but when I see a book has ten authors and took nearly two years to complete, I guess I expect something a little tighter than a dense, disjointed 588 pages. To quote Richard Clarke, "Your government failed you" - and evidently, Creative Writing 101. As suspense, it lacks the professional craftsmanship of a Robert Ludlum or Tom Clancy and can't even compensate with a startling plot twist like the Warren Commission's "single-bullet" theory. What we're treated to instead is a tedious compendium of missed opportunities, tragic bumbling, and bureaucratic stasis. So the government can't catch the terrorists...tell us something we don't know! At least spice things up a bit with a few "Deep Throat"-style mystery characters, or maybe a chapter entitled, "You're So Vain, You Probably Think Your Negligence Was Personally Responsible For The Mushrooming of Al Queda."
Another flaw is the lack of a believable and sympathetic protagonist. Take a character that pops up about midway through the report, "President Bush." Does anyone really see this guy as Leader of the Free World? For much of his time in print, he doesn't even seem interested in the many nefarious terrorist plots being hatched around him. Then the attacks happen and presto! - he's magically transformed into a macho action hero fighting "the evil-doers"? Jack Ryan he ain't (and I don't mean the former Senate candidate that wanted to bang Seven-Of Nine in public). Guys, it's called character development - look into it.
What about the villains? Well, "Osama Bin Laden," with his riches and eccentric lifestyle, is certainly a classic baddie in the mold of Blofeld from the James Bond series. So why, for heaven's sake, is he allowed to repeatedly disappear from the main storyline??!! On one page, we read that "Bush" will capture OBL "dead or alive", but then several chapters pass with hardly any new "Bin Laden" action at all. Did the authors get lazy? Instead of fleshing out details on this fascinating 6'5" Arabian who travels from cave to cave, we're treated to a tiresome stand-off with a tinhorn Iraqi dictator that I'm almost certain is a rehash of something I read in the early Nineties. That, I'm afraid, is the essence of lazy writing. And don't get me started on the "Recommendations" section - if I wanted a how-to book, I'd buy Bob Vila.
By the end, with so many loose ends left to dangle, I get the sense the authors intend to spin this "War On Terror" thing into an indefinite series. Well, pardon me, 9-11 Commission, if I check out while you cash in. This is the last government report I share a sandy evening sunset with.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Interview With Tom Ridge
Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.
LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?
TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.
LF: And why is that?
TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.
LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?
TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.
LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?
TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.
LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?
TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.
LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?
TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.
LF: And a male delegate?
TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.
LF: What about the Republican convention?
TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.
LF: What about Election Day itself?
TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.
LF: What's that?
TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.
LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?
TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.
LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?
TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.
LF: And why is that?
TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.
LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?
TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.
LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?
TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.
LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?
TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.
LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?
TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.
LF: And a male delegate?
TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.
LF: What about the Republican convention?
TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.
LF: What about Election Day itself?
TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.
LF: What's that?
TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.
LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?
TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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