Interview With Tom Ridge

Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.



LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?

TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.

LF: And why is that?

TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.

LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?

TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.

LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?

TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.

LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?

TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.

LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?

TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.

LF: And a male delegate?

TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.

LF: What about the Republican convention?

TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.

LF: What about Election Day itself?

TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.

LF: What's that?

TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.

LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?

TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.