Virus-Creating Teens: Finally A Solution

Over the weekend, an eighteen-year-old in Germany confessed to creating the "Sasser" worm, a virus which infected servers and crashed computers all over the globe, temporarily blocking Lomblog access for millions. Now, there are two ways of looking at this. On the bright side, we've come a long way when the worst international offense a German youth commits is knocking people offline. But still, one has to ask: what vicarious thrill do today's teens get from causing cyber-mayhem?

Perhaps it's the notoriety, and with it, the devil-may-care, rebellious image that comes from telling your high school, "I found a flaw in Windows' operating system that most of the people on my Usenet board have never even dreamt of, much less diagrammed!" Maybe it's the promise of a better life in the hereafter, with eternal storage space and seventy-five virgin web developers all at your beck and call. Whatever it is, there's no getting around the fact that hundreds of whiz kids the world over would rather program mischief on a PC than engage in more traditional teen-friendly activities, like dipping snuff or blowing off class to tag along with a Pantera roadie. This concerns me - and not just because the Lombaire Foundation lost so much ad revenue during last week's scare. With so many gawky youngsters losing themselves in a high-tech fantasy world, who's going to sign up for French club?

That's why I'm proud to announce that I, Lombaire Fan, have founded a new organization: Big Brothers 6.0. The purpose of this group, which literally anyone can join (though we do give special preference to ex-cons) is to pair up irresponsible adults in every neighborhood with the most tech-savvy, at-risk youth that we can successfully coax offline and outdoors.

If you don't believe this kind of program can work, let me tell you a story about a boy named "Michael." By the time "Michael" was 17, he could do just about anything with a keyboard and a mouse. He had mastered both html and XML. He could diagnose, practically on sight, almost any system malfunction on any type of PC. "Michael" was not just an exceptional student; his special skills made him potentially attractive lure to employers as he sought to move far beyond his modest upbringing in Macon, Georgia. But then, the unthinkable happened: both his parents were crushed by a tractor trailer. As a result, "Michael" moved in with his Uncle Petey - a truck driver with a thirty-two-year crystal-meth habit. Within a year, he had lost all interest in computers or school, or really anything that didn't involve hanging out with his friends underneath the overpass and memorizing Simpsons quotes. Friendship meant a lot to "Michael", so there was no question what he would say when his buddies asked him to jump off the top of Petey's moving Diesel while they ran a camcorder. "Michael" did it, and though his nose was crushed, the footage became a mainstay of MTV's Jackass. "Michael" was now internationally famous, known to millions as "No-nose Jackass guy." As of this writing, he lives in LA, where he has impregnated at least two exotic dancers and is a valued member of Kid Rock's posse.

We'll never know what might have happened if "Michael" had continued his education and further developed his computer skills. But one thing is certain: because of the mentoring of his uncle, he did not go on to create a virus that slowed down stock market activity or kept millions from reading their Yahoo! horoscope for several hours. It's miracles like that that BB 6.0 will be working overtime to create every day. Our motto is simple: "A kid with programming skills is a loaded weapon - why not disarm while we still can?"