Khorkina & Me

Every four years, the Olympics not only bring us the rising stars of sports tomorrow but a few old favorites going for that last shot at glory. This year's swan song was by Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina - and what a beautiful, beautiful, troublesome, troublesome swan she is. Last Thursday, Khorkina lost the Women's All-Around to perky American Carly Patterson, and Sunday, finished last on the uneven bars (when are they going to get those fixed anyway?). Since the demise of her gold ambition, Svetlana has stirred controversy with comments suggesting the competition was rigged in favor of the American. Looking for the lowdown, I made arrangements to interview this tempestuous blonde over brunch at Kol Tov Monday afternoon. She may not have the gold but she still has a lot to say.




LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello Svetlana. Before anything else, I want to congratulate you on your showing this weekend.

SVETLANA KHORKINA: Thank you. Though I came in eighth, I am still Olympic champion!

LF: That you are. Also, I'm so saddened to hear about your retirement. As the "older woman" of women's gymnastics, not only were you an inspiration to senior citizens everywhere but one of the very few female gymnasts I could physically admire without feeling like a perv.

SK: Thank you. Age is just a number....even when I am 55, I will still be Olympic champion!

LF: 55? So I take it you have a birthday coming up?

SK: No, no. No matter what numbers the Western judges may concoct, I am only in my twenties. I have my whole life ahead of me. Though I am disappointed, there is much more to this existence than keeping gold out of the hands of greedy little virgin dwarves!

LF: Svetlana...this is the kind of thing you've been criticized for. Do you really believe there was a conspiracy to deny you the top prize?

SK: I know there was a conspiracy! I knew from the minute I approached the balance beam, when the judges pelted me with empty bottles of Smirnoff, that I wasn't going to win! Now they will live with it on their conscience - they murdered a young girl's dreams!

LF: But Carly Patterson, the winner, is sixteen, and you're twenty-five.

SK: Yes. But even when I am seventy-five, I will still be Olympic champion woman-child!

LF: But isn't some of your behavior a little unsportsman-like? For instance, after your score was announced on Sunday, you walked out before your competitors had even finished their routines. I know you were upset, but isn't that a little disrespectful? I mean, I stayed through the end of Catwoman, for God's sake.

SK: I refuse to participate in a sham! Unsportsman-like? I am not a sportsman, I am a beautiful bird who they tried to fleece! These competitions should not be about antiquated notions like who has best "movements" and does most difficult "manuevers", but on grace, elegance and beauty.

LF: No offense, but even if we were judging by that standard, I'd have to give the medal to Juliet Binoche. But you're not bad for an older lady.

What about all the venom you've inspired from the press? You've been called an "ice queen", a diva, you were once quoted as telling an American journalist to "shove it"...oh wait, these notes are left over from my interview with Teresa Heinz-Kerry. My bad.

How about that other Olympic judging controversy? Do you think Paul Hamm should give back his medal?

SK: Yes, he should return his medal...to me!

LF: But that makes no sense, you weren't competing against Paul Hamm - he got his gold in men's gymnastics!

SK: No, you must understand...there has been an injustice! He has a gold, and I am without gold. So the only fair thing...is to give me the gold! Otherwise, I don't see how he can sleep with himself on his conscience. He is not true Olympic champion - not like me!

LF: Well, Svetlana, thank you for your time. I don't know when we'll see you next - I guess it's back to the farm or opening boat shows with Nadia Comaneci.

Dismounting for now,

LF