Breaking My Silence

If you've e-mailed recently, you probably know I've spent most of the past week in seclusion. And even after recovering my apartment keys, I remained in seclusion. You see, some vicious rumors about yours truly have been circulating across the Internet - charges so tawdry and sordid, even I wouldn't forward them. This has been an extremely painful time, not only for myself, but for all members of my family that still speak to me. So let me take this opportunity to once and for all clear the air.

The job of writing America's #4,323-rated public affairs blog on an almost weekly basis is a difficult one. In an effort to beef up my staff, I interviewed, via webcam, a few applicants for the position of Lomblog executive editor. During one of these conversations, I apparently left the cam on before I had completely changed out of my Spider Man pajamas. Because the camera was fuzzy and I happened to be eating a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the same time...well, evidently this constitutes sexual harrassment in certain jurisdictions. Needless to say, I am completely innocent of these vile accusations. I will continue to fight these smears for as long as it takes to clear my name, or until an incriminating screenshot has been posted or broadcast on a major network.

On advice from my attorney, I'm trying to remain mum on specifics. But let me state the following:

• I've never so much as passed a falafel stand, much less used one with impure intent

• If I ever sat on a battery-powered device, it was entirely by mistake

• I've never used my position to curry sexual favors. In fact, the thought never occurred to me until just now

Like any public figure, I am a target. Every week, but especially around the first of the month, I receive letters from people trying to extort money from me. This is the price I pay for speaking out. Luckily, I do have a very loyal fan base. I want to thank all of you for continuing to stand by me, especially those that bought my newest publication, Playa Out: LF's Handbook For Abstinent Teens. Your support has not just moved me, it's made me a better man.

Ok, enough said. Join us next week when Paris Hilton enters the No-Crap-Zone; I'll ask if her parents are happy they raised such a no-talent skank. See you then.

Anyone for some Greek?