VP Debate: Number 2's Throw Down

If you thought the presidential debate was exciting, then you must have been really riveted by last night's prime-time duel between John "Pretty Boy" Edwards and Dick "Dickie Boy" Cheney. The atmosphere within that Cleveland auditorium was electric. Everyone gathered knew that in a close race like this, even a debate between second-stringers could have.....marginal impact at best. With stakes that high, Cheney and Edwards had clearly left the boxing gloves in an undisclosed location. Just seconds after the handshake and huddle, they got down to some of the nastiest political action Ohio's seen since Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati.

After the first Bush-Kerry debate, much comment was made on the body language of the two candidates. Well, this debate also had some interesting body language, but unfortunately, most of it took place off-camera. Good thing I took notes:




Yes, there was a chill in the air, and not just from Second Lady Lynne Cheney as she eyed me draining my Slurpee. These two guys really don't like each other. The hostility was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, then spend the rest of your life at Guantanamo. Cheney sought to portray Edwards as an inexperienced, undistinguished first-term senator who flip-flops on major issues. Meanwhile, Edwards portrayed Cheney as a dishonest, ultra-conservative corporate criminal whose only saving grace is his Sapphic daughter. How refreshing. Voters who complain about choosing "the lesser of two evils" would have no trouble finding truly great evil on display here.

Not that the two men didn't demonstrate any positive qualities. In contrast to the president, VP Cheney showed an astonishing command of the facts, especially considering that so little of what he said was factual. The North Carolina senator, on the other hand, was a study in all-American telegenic star power, every bit as boyishly charming as in his days playing "John-Boy" on The Waltons. I'm glad he's had the mole taken in a little. The only downside is that Edwards may have seemed a little too young, a little too fresh, maybe coming off as something of a lightweight. Not a problem for Cheney, who once again showed that he is a major Dick. A highly accomplished, very experienced, gravitas-laden, bigtime Dick.

The fact that Cheney and Edwards debated while seated at a table rather than standing behind podiums probably worked to the Republican's advantage as well. Edwards had to have it in the back of his mind that at any moment, Cheney could reach over, rip his heart through his chest and devour it with a plate of lima beans. Of course, the highly disciplined GOPer knew this would have been terribly "off-message", though admittedly very tasty.

Still, there were gaffes. The most notable came when Edwards attacked Cheney for his stewardship of the controversial Halliburton oil company, and Cheney responded by telling viewers to get the "real story" at "factcheck.com"; the actual address is factcheck.org. Oops! I have to confess the Vice-President isn't the only one with a little egg on his face. I guess I wasn't listening closely enough, but I could've sworn the words in question were not "fact check" but well....something kinda similar. Before I learned the truth, I'd already spent several hours paging through sites like this:




I won't lie: I was really befuddled by this mixup. I didn't get it - was the Vice President saying he couldn't have been aware of Halliburton's crimes because he was too busy "chubby-chasing" around the office? This from an administration that promised a "change in tone" from the Clinton years.

Finally, the debate ended up as more or less a draw. Both candidates achieved their goals. Cheney proved he could sit for 90 minutes without keeling over. And Edwards went head-to-head with the most powerful vice-president in history - a feat that certainly qualifies him to take on terrorists with only slightly less personal charm.

Bring on the next debate!