A Lomblog Roundtable: The Mideast Crisis

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello! Welcome to my very first "virtual" roundtable.Yes, a roundtable - oh, I feel just like Dorothy Parker!

Our topic: the Middle East. The conflict between Israel and Lebanon has dominated headlines this week; it's even overshadowed the impending nuptials of Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. So I thought I'd invite some expert panelists to help us hash this crisis out before it becomes even more newsy.

Our guests are two men who know a lot, both about the Middle East and panel discussions. Christopher Hitchens is a British-born author and commentator who you may recognize from his many appearances on shows like Hardball With Chris Matthews and Real Time With Bill Maher. More likely, you recognize him from open-bar night at your local Bennigan's. Whatever the case, he has many fascinating insights into current events that will "virtually" astound anyone really impressed by accents.

Our other guest, Professor Juan Cole, is an expert in Middle East culture and history. He's also known for posing awkwardly in photos on the sidebar of his blog.

Welcome, gentlemen.

This week, the president weighed in. In a conversation he did not know was being recorded, he revealed that he plans to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to the region. Juan Cole, is there realistically anything the US can do to mediate in this situation?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Ugh. That is all I can say, LF. Three days after I first watched the Bush-Blair "dialogue", I still tremble at the thought that this simple-minded simpleton is making our foreign policy. In fact, as I ponder this Orwellian nightmare that all of us have lived through the past six years, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, I've now resigned myself to outright nausea for the remainder of this president's term.



In the face of images like this, I'd like to see Hitchens defend the indefensible - the Neocon policies that have led to so much death and destruction across the Middle East since the Iraq occupation began in 2003.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, that's a little off-topic, but what do you have to say, Chris?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
I have no idea why I accepted the invitation to appear on this squalid little blog with its horrid template and excreble writing standards. But I do like to see my name in bold text, even alongside this squalid little apologist for mullahs whose own excreble blog, Informed Comment, would be more aptly titled Misinformed Comment --

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Ha! Misinformed Comment - did you just come up with that?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
But setting that aside, I find it a bit galling that Mr. Cole would use the phrase "Orwellian." He must know that I wrote the definitive book on the subject of Orwell. Orwell's own great niece, CiCi, has said that only I, of all contemporary authors, hold my cigarette and frown in a manner reminiscent of the master himself. So the fact that the professor is now using language associated with me to attack my views shows you how debased the Left has become since they stopped inviting me to their parties. But I admit I've lost many friends since I decided to speak out against the Islamototaliterrofascithugs™ that only Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair have shown the courage to confront - bravely, if stupidly and disasterously.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Uh, Professor?

Juan Cole, author/academic
I'm pleased to see Hitchens acknowledge that Bush is stupid and disasterous. Now will he admit the rank depravity of what's taken place in Bush's torture cells?



Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait, isn't that a still from Scanners?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes. That movie is being used as a training film for US interrogators. Still, I'd like to see Hitchens defend this war in the face of images like that.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
As anyone who reads me knows, I've never supported the way this war has been conducted by the American administration; I've only supported it as an intellectual enterprise.

But from perusing Mr. Cole's online photo gallery, it doesn't surprise me that he's too myopic to understand the nuances of my position.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hey now - that's getting a little personal...

Juan Cole, author/academic
OK, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!! I'm going to post a picture of what Hitchens' liver must look like!



I'd like to see him defend his chronic drinking habit in the face of images like that.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Professor! Ewww.

Anyway, we're out of time. We got pretty far afield, and never really did discuss Israel and Lebanon. Will the two of you come back for another roundtable?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes, when I finish trembling.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
Possibly. But not tomorrow - I have two C-SPAN bookings and a Dixie Chicks/Cindy Sheehan appearance to heckle.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Great. Until then, I'll see all of you in the peace and security of cyberspace.

Adieu for today!