Oscar Night



WELL, HERE I AM - back in black-tie for the 77th Annual Academy Awards. Yes, I finally made it off the red carpet and into the Kodak Theater but for the first time in Oscar history the show didn't run long. What a disappointment: no streaking, no political rants, no Italian comics dry-humping the stars and absolutely NO surprises. So tonight, I am in mourning. If I'd seen any of the films nominated or cared about the future of American cinema, I'd be wearing even more black even more stylishly. The last major awards show of this major awards season was duller than watching paint dry on a film cell of an animated short that no one will ever, ever see.
Not even the show's host, Martin Lawrence, could save the telecast with his signature "You ladies need to keep it clean down there" monologue. Old standbys let us down: where was Angelina Jolie to tongue-kiss her brother? Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg to make us feel financially and morally inferior? Sean Penn, Tim Robbins - would it have killed you to put in a few good words for Kim Jong-il? If you expect the scorn of red-staters for as long as Jane Fonda, you can't miss an opportunity like this!

The only thing that livened up the show was news that this year's statuettes would be held in safekeeping at the home of socialite Paris Hilton:



What a great way for Paris to repay her debt to the entertainment community. So far, there are no complaints; Morgan Freeman very graciously accepted a 1979 C-3PO action figure Krazy-Glued to a paperweight early this morning.



Since tonight's ceremony has yet to air in some parts of the world, I'll label this next comment a *SPOILER*:











The emotional high point came near the end, when Clint Eastwood euthanized Martin Scorcese's chances of ever winning the prize for Best Director. Better luck next decade, Marty!

More Oscar coverage tomorrow.....

Coming Up...



Super Bowl Reflections and Hayden Bradford Comes Clean

This Week With Lombaire Fan: Objectivity

A transcript of my Washington-based webcast

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello there. Before I begin, let me offer a special welcome to all the new viewers watching us for the first time on LiveNudeNThai.com. I understand that site is now broadcasting us - by mistake. Whatever the case, I hope you'll stick around, even after the server problems are worked out.

It's been a busy seven days for both Lomblog and the nation. From time to time, we take a breather from the non-stop hustle-and-bustle of virtual life and look back on the news cycle just passed. Joining us on this week's show is syndicated columnist Hayden Bradford. Hayden's writing appears in over 500 newspapers, nearly a third of which are not owned by his parents.

Hayden, what would you say were the week's key events?

HAYDEN BRADFORD: No question about it - the Iraqi elections on Sunday and the President's speech Wednesday. Between the two of them, the White House has delivered a real one-two punch. Anyone who says that a president's second term is doomed to fail has obviously never met a certain "George W. Bush". (laughs)

LF: That's a very positive review. Very positive. You almost sounds like you're on the White House payroll.

HB: (Laughs) I don't know if you're kidding but I guess I see no need to prove my objectivity by slamming the president. Even many of the war's critics have come around and acknowledged that the liberation of Iraq was a good idea. Why should the press be any different? I mean....didn't you see that shot of the soldier's mother hugging the Iraqi woman?

LF: Yes, I did.

HB: Very moving, wasn't it? You know, sometimes at night, when I can't sleep....I visualize that moment. And then I imagine the president....holding me.....cradling me.....giving me the comfort no woman could ever provide....assuring me the "bad people" are gone and I'm safe....secure...as secure as Social Security after the president's reform proposals are adopted by Congress.

LF: Hayden...you are on the White House payroll, aren't you?

HB: What are you implying? That anyone who speaks positively about the administration is somehow "compromised"? That's a very cynical view. I can assure you, Mr. Fan, I am not for sale. By anyone.

LF: But surely, after recent revelations, you can see how people would be suspicious?

HB: Uh huh....I'm well aware. I can just say for myself, that when I sat down to watch the president's address - on my 32" Sony Trinitron© High Definition television set - I had no intention of writing a puff piece. In fact, even after I downloaded it from iTunes directly to my 20 GB Apple© Ipod, I didn't think it was that great a speech. Only when I watched it again on my Toshiba© DVD Recorder with built-in TiVo© DVR - which, full disclosure, I purchased at BestBuy© (laughs) - did I even begin to comprehend the greatness of this speech. I guess visuals count for a lot.

LF: Wait a minute - what's with the litany of products? You sound like an adman, not a journalist.

HB: (Laughs) I'm sorry - I don't believe I ever called myself a "journalist". Sure, I have press credentials, and I'm often the first person called on at a White House news conference. My nickname within the WH Press Corps is "Fluffer". But I'm not a journalist; I get paid to express opinions. Now maybe some people don't like my opinions, like when I say that George W. Bush is a great leader or Polident® is the only denture-cleaner that will scrub out what brushing misses, but it's my job. I don't think that makes me some kind of sell-out.

LF: Well, judging from tonight, I would say that seems to be what you are.

HB: Pardon? I think someone's a little jealous that no one's ever tried to buy his services.

LF: I think maybe we should end this discussion right now....it feels almost dirty.

HB: Dirty? What brand of deoderant are you using?

LF: Thank you for joining me, Hayden.

HB: You know, if I'd known you were going to question my integrity, I never would've answered that call on my Nokia 6260® Smartphone or driven over here in my 2005 Nissan© Altama - it handles as smoothly as Condoleezza Rice at a confirmation hearing. (Laughs)

LF: Good night.

A Contract With Destiny

Sometimes the news seems too good to be true....but it is true: Martha Stewart is taking over The Apprentice! Yes! Pack your bags, Donald Trump, 'cus --- well, I forget the phrase, but you're not coming back next season. And congrats, Martha. I think later on I'll dip a finger in some ink to symbolize this new berth of liberty. And afterwards, I'll wipe it off on a doily made from your instructions!

This is a truly historic announcement, for at least a couple of reasons. One, ex-cons normally have a hard time finding employment, much less getting to star in a major television series. Second, the selection of a female Apprentice host marks a major step toward equality in America's conception of sleazy billionaires. I only hope Martha doesn't compromise her own unique sense of style and class just to conform to audience expectations.



But probably the biggest kudos must go to NBC itself. That 'ol peacock has a heart of gold - and big brass ones too. With this decision, they are stepping into the void left by organizations like the United Way and Boys Town USA. Giving a former inmate a second chance may not be the most commercially profitable avenue a network can take but it's certainly the most compassionate. I can't wait to see the rest of next year's lineup - Fear Factor hosted by Christian Brando?

Here's an address where you can write to NBC and congratulate them on this decision:

National Broadcasting Company, INC.
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112-0002

Also, ask them why they've never aired my pilot. But don't sound too indignant; one nasty letter from a Lomblogiac gives a bad name to all Lomblogiacs.

As for you, Martha.....well, if I weren't banned from the state of West Virginia for badmouthing John Denver, I'd be waiting at the prison gates ready to drive you to Burbank right now.

Until we meet again,

Lombaire Fan

State Of The Union Wrap



LF here, live from the capitol steps, entrance to the world's greatest deliberative body and namesake of that really lame comedy troupe. In just minutes, the president - and myself - will enter the House chambers. This speech tonight is quite a momentous occasion, probably the defining event of the second Bush term, at least until Tehran is bombed. All members of Congress, the cabinet and the Supreme Court are gathered to listen as the president lays out his agenda for the coming year. Yes, all of Congress, including Senator John Kerry, Mr. Bush's erstwhile opponent. Must be difficult for Kerry as he observes this hallowed ceremony, no doubt thinking what might have been....if only he'd run in the Iraqi elections.

Anyway, the president is entering the building now, to enthusiastic applause from both sides. But especially the Republicans - very enthusiastic. As he makes his way down the aisle, you can see him taken aback by the warmth of this reception.


Whoa, Congressman....is that a gun in your pocket or are you rethinking your position on the Marriage Amendment?! Yes, after Sunday, democracy is bursting out all over.

9:02 - The president has begun his address; he's speaking now about "a privilege we share with newly elected leaders" of Afghanistan, the Ukraine and Iraq - hmm, is he hinting he may have been poisoned? I noticed the aging but thought he'd just quit Grecian.

9:05 - Now he's on to the economy - he calls it "healthy and growing", much like the state of the union, which is "confident and strong." Sounds good - I just hope this doesn't turn out like one of those drug scandals.

9:08 - It's at about this point that the president begins to branch out from predictable platitudes to more ambitious platitudes. "Build a better world for our children and grandchildren". Grandchildren? OH MY GOD, the Bush twins are pregnant! What will we tell the abstinent? And what a place to announce it! I bet some guys in Kid Rock's entourage are very nervous right now.

And back to the economy - the country added "2.3 million new jobs" in the last year alone. Granted, most of that is construction work in Iraq but it's something.

9:12 - More vision: "our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims". Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just poll-tested lawyer-bashing?

Ah, the domestic policy section. "Safe, clean nuclear energy" - just like the kind Grandma used to make. "America's immigration system is also outdated" - ain't that the truth. I feel my livelihood is directly threatened by today's technosavvy boat people.

9:16 - On to Social Security reform, a centerpiece of the president's second term. He doesn't want to end the program, he wants to "strengthen and save" SS so it'll be there when Dick Cheney retires from evil. As he explained, "people are living longer.....drawing benefits longer" - unless their reserve unit is called up.

Now he's outlining some reform options: "Limit benefits for wealthy retirees". NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want Larry King eating dog food after his next divorce.

Money will be "protected from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement" - what if I want a swinging retirement? "Extend the choice to young Americans" - what if they invest the money in abortion clinics?


9:35 - Morality now. "So many of my generation have returned to faith" - your generation? I think Kirk Cameron led the way.


Many coded appeals to the religious right - I'll check the transcript later to see which parts are spoken in tongue. On a science tangent now - doesn't want "human embryos....grown for body parts". A slap in the face to the rapidly emerging "third thumb" lobby.

9:45 - Solutions for inner-city youth. "Better options than apathy or jail" - yes, oh yes, OH HELL YES! Bush is going to create a reparations fund for African-Americans but allow everyone to invest a portion in the stock market! No....but it's a major urban initiative. And who will take on "gang life" as part of "a broader outreach to at-risk youth"? Laura Bush, because Martha is busy.

9:48 - More domestic policy. Terrorism, his greatest hits: "train more than a half million first responders". Definitely something the Kerry campaign could've used.

Uncharacteristically praising the UN: "United Nations provided technical assistance" in Iraq. Technical assistance - the part of the awards ceremony that never makes it to prime time.

Utopian-speak but still there are villains: "the terrorist Zarquawi recently declared war on.....democracy". Yes, he wants to be Ohio Secretary of State.

More good news. "Palestinians choosing a new direction" - throwing rocks to the right. He's asking Congress to give the Palestinians 350 million dollars - that should be a boon for their film industry, Palewood.

Hasn't forgotten the Axis of Evil: "we must confront regimes that....harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder". OMG, things have gotten so bad, we can't even find the word "destruction"!

9:52 - He's extolling democracy in the Middle East now. Over the weekend, Iraq "elected 275 men and women". I think he's just pointing that out to make the Democrats jealous.

Now he's introducing an Iraqi human rights activist. Wow...this is so inspiring, I almost wish I could lose my voting rights, gain them after two years of mass bloodshed, and then cast a ballot for one of several hundred Muslim splinter parties. Oh, and learn Arabic.

9:55 - "A small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people" - if only we had that same assurance here.

No plans for withdrawl; setting a timetable would "embolden the terrorists". Yes, I'd hate to see how much damage the car bombers could do if they were trying.

9:57 - In four years, we've "seen the unfolding of large events" - Trump wedding? Now quoting FDR....he must be rolling backwards in his grave.

Here comes the close...."Thank you, and may God bless America".

FINAL GRADE: An A+. Perfect. A boffo performance. You'll believe a pig can fly.

The president's speech is hardly over but already I feel freer than ever.

Lomblog Phase 2

Yes, friends, I have returned - relaxed, refreshed and ready to begin a whole new era of Lomblog greatness. Sure, some will question the appropriateness of this occasion, what with the country at war and Martha Stewart still in prison. But as recent events prove, fate hangs all of us by a thread even more slender than Ashlee Simpson's odds of avoiding a desperation Playboy spread. Therefore, I have chosen to resurrect this great American institution one more time before I completely forget my Blogger password. I think the troops and Martha would want it that way.

As you may have guessed, I underwent something of a religious transformation during my off-time. My workaholic ways, producing nearly one new post every two weeks, left me with little time to stop and smell the things that really mattered. Even my closest friends would describe me as "moody" and "uncommunicative", and not in a way that could be construed as "cool". It was only after a chance encounter with a French missionary at a private screening of Hotel Rwanda that I began to realize what a large dimension of life I had missed out on in my constant reach for fame and acceptance. And after she went home with Don Cheadle, I realized even more the depths of my spiritual deprivation. Ouch....the Lord giveth and He taketh away!


Don't worry, I'm won't be using this space to proselytize; my web-referral stats will tell me all I need to know about the final destination of your soul. But I have changed in at least one respect: no longer will I mix the sacred and the profane with so little respect for either. In fact, I killed a piece on the recent Oscar nominations because it contained this graphic:



As someone Jewish once said, "Never again".

For our longtime readers, I can guarantee you Lomblog will quickly return to the kind of fun, wit and deep insight you've come to expect after months of virtual silence. It all begins tomorrow with our special live coverage of the President's State of the Union address. Yes, the State of the Union - after all this time, I can't wait to find out how the country is doing!

Bless you,

LF