State Of The Union Wrap



LF here, live from the capitol steps, entrance to the world's greatest deliberative body and namesake of that really lame comedy troupe. In just minutes, the president - and myself - will enter the House chambers. This speech tonight is quite a momentous occasion, probably the defining event of the second Bush term, at least until Tehran is bombed. All members of Congress, the cabinet and the Supreme Court are gathered to listen as the president lays out his agenda for the coming year. Yes, all of Congress, including Senator John Kerry, Mr. Bush's erstwhile opponent. Must be difficult for Kerry as he observes this hallowed ceremony, no doubt thinking what might have been....if only he'd run in the Iraqi elections.

Anyway, the president is entering the building now, to enthusiastic applause from both sides. But especially the Republicans - very enthusiastic. As he makes his way down the aisle, you can see him taken aback by the warmth of this reception.


Whoa, Congressman....is that a gun in your pocket or are you rethinking your position on the Marriage Amendment?! Yes, after Sunday, democracy is bursting out all over.

9:02 - The president has begun his address; he's speaking now about "a privilege we share with newly elected leaders" of Afghanistan, the Ukraine and Iraq - hmm, is he hinting he may have been poisoned? I noticed the aging but thought he'd just quit Grecian.

9:05 - Now he's on to the economy - he calls it "healthy and growing", much like the state of the union, which is "confident and strong." Sounds good - I just hope this doesn't turn out like one of those drug scandals.

9:08 - It's at about this point that the president begins to branch out from predictable platitudes to more ambitious platitudes. "Build a better world for our children and grandchildren". Grandchildren? OH MY GOD, the Bush twins are pregnant! What will we tell the abstinent? And what a place to announce it! I bet some guys in Kid Rock's entourage are very nervous right now.

And back to the economy - the country added "2.3 million new jobs" in the last year alone. Granted, most of that is construction work in Iraq but it's something.

9:12 - More vision: "our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims". Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just poll-tested lawyer-bashing?

Ah, the domestic policy section. "Safe, clean nuclear energy" - just like the kind Grandma used to make. "America's immigration system is also outdated" - ain't that the truth. I feel my livelihood is directly threatened by today's technosavvy boat people.

9:16 - On to Social Security reform, a centerpiece of the president's second term. He doesn't want to end the program, he wants to "strengthen and save" SS so it'll be there when Dick Cheney retires from evil. As he explained, "people are living longer.....drawing benefits longer" - unless their reserve unit is called up.

Now he's outlining some reform options: "Limit benefits for wealthy retirees". NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want Larry King eating dog food after his next divorce.

Money will be "protected from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement" - what if I want a swinging retirement? "Extend the choice to young Americans" - what if they invest the money in abortion clinics?


9:35 - Morality now. "So many of my generation have returned to faith" - your generation? I think Kirk Cameron led the way.


Many coded appeals to the religious right - I'll check the transcript later to see which parts are spoken in tongue. On a science tangent now - doesn't want "human embryos....grown for body parts". A slap in the face to the rapidly emerging "third thumb" lobby.

9:45 - Solutions for inner-city youth. "Better options than apathy or jail" - yes, oh yes, OH HELL YES! Bush is going to create a reparations fund for African-Americans but allow everyone to invest a portion in the stock market! No....but it's a major urban initiative. And who will take on "gang life" as part of "a broader outreach to at-risk youth"? Laura Bush, because Martha is busy.

9:48 - More domestic policy. Terrorism, his greatest hits: "train more than a half million first responders". Definitely something the Kerry campaign could've used.

Uncharacteristically praising the UN: "United Nations provided technical assistance" in Iraq. Technical assistance - the part of the awards ceremony that never makes it to prime time.

Utopian-speak but still there are villains: "the terrorist Zarquawi recently declared war on.....democracy". Yes, he wants to be Ohio Secretary of State.

More good news. "Palestinians choosing a new direction" - throwing rocks to the right. He's asking Congress to give the Palestinians 350 million dollars - that should be a boon for their film industry, Palewood.

Hasn't forgotten the Axis of Evil: "we must confront regimes that....harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder". OMG, things have gotten so bad, we can't even find the word "destruction"!

9:52 - He's extolling democracy in the Middle East now. Over the weekend, Iraq "elected 275 men and women". I think he's just pointing that out to make the Democrats jealous.

Now he's introducing an Iraqi human rights activist. Wow...this is so inspiring, I almost wish I could lose my voting rights, gain them after two years of mass bloodshed, and then cast a ballot for one of several hundred Muslim splinter parties. Oh, and learn Arabic.

9:55 - "A small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people" - if only we had that same assurance here.

No plans for withdrawl; setting a timetable would "embolden the terrorists". Yes, I'd hate to see how much damage the car bombers could do if they were trying.

9:57 - In four years, we've "seen the unfolding of large events" - Trump wedding? Now quoting FDR....he must be rolling backwards in his grave.

Here comes the close...."Thank you, and may God bless America".

FINAL GRADE: An A+. Perfect. A boffo performance. You'll believe a pig can fly.

The president's speech is hardly over but already I feel freer than ever.