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An Inconvenient Twosome? : Republicans Face Reality Of Global Skanking

A Lomblog Roundtable: The Mideast Crisis

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello! Welcome to my very first "virtual" roundtable.Yes, a roundtable - oh, I feel just like Dorothy Parker!

Our topic: the Middle East. The conflict between Israel and Lebanon has dominated headlines this week; it's even overshadowed the impending nuptials of Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. So I thought I'd invite some expert panelists to help us hash this crisis out before it becomes even more newsy.

Our guests are two men who know a lot, both about the Middle East and panel discussions. Christopher Hitchens is a British-born author and commentator who you may recognize from his many appearances on shows like Hardball With Chris Matthews and Real Time With Bill Maher. More likely, you recognize him from open-bar night at your local Bennigan's. Whatever the case, he has many fascinating insights into current events that will "virtually" astound anyone really impressed by accents.

Our other guest, Professor Juan Cole, is an expert in Middle East culture and history. He's also known for posing awkwardly in photos on the sidebar of his blog.

Welcome, gentlemen.

This week, the president weighed in. In a conversation he did not know was being recorded, he revealed that he plans to send Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to the region. Juan Cole, is there realistically anything the US can do to mediate in this situation?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Ugh. That is all I can say, LF. Three days after I first watched the Bush-Blair "dialogue", I still tremble at the thought that this simple-minded simpleton is making our foreign policy. In fact, as I ponder this Orwellian nightmare that all of us have lived through the past six years, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, I've now resigned myself to outright nausea for the remainder of this president's term.



In the face of images like this, I'd like to see Hitchens defend the indefensible - the Neocon policies that have led to so much death and destruction across the Middle East since the Iraq occupation began in 2003.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, that's a little off-topic, but what do you have to say, Chris?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
I have no idea why I accepted the invitation to appear on this squalid little blog with its horrid template and excreble writing standards. But I do like to see my name in bold text, even alongside this squalid little apologist for mullahs whose own excreble blog, Informed Comment, would be more aptly titled Misinformed Comment --

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Ha! Misinformed Comment - did you just come up with that?

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
But setting that aside, I find it a bit galling that Mr. Cole would use the phrase "Orwellian." He must know that I wrote the definitive book on the subject of Orwell. Orwell's own great niece, CiCi, has said that only I, of all contemporary authors, hold my cigarette and frown in a manner reminiscent of the master himself. So the fact that the professor is now using language associated with me to attack my views shows you how debased the Left has become since they stopped inviting me to their parties. But I admit I've lost many friends since I decided to speak out against the Islamototaliterrofascithugs™ that only Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair have shown the courage to confront - bravely, if stupidly and disasterously.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Uh, Professor?

Juan Cole, author/academic
I'm pleased to see Hitchens acknowledge that Bush is stupid and disasterous. Now will he admit the rank depravity of what's taken place in Bush's torture cells?



Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait, isn't that a still from Scanners?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes. That movie is being used as a training film for US interrogators. Still, I'd like to see Hitchens defend this war in the face of images like that.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
As anyone who reads me knows, I've never supported the way this war has been conducted by the American administration; I've only supported it as an intellectual enterprise.

But from perusing Mr. Cole's online photo gallery, it doesn't surprise me that he's too myopic to understand the nuances of my position.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hey now - that's getting a little personal...

Juan Cole, author/academic
OK, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!! I'm going to post a picture of what Hitchens' liver must look like!



I'd like to see him defend his chronic drinking habit in the face of images like that.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Professor! Ewww.

Anyway, we're out of time. We got pretty far afield, and never really did discuss Israel and Lebanon. Will the two of you come back for another roundtable?

Juan Cole, author/academic
Yes, when I finish trembling.

Christopher Hitchens, author/contrarian/British guy
Possibly. But not tomorrow - I have two C-SPAN bookings and a Dixie Chicks/Cindy Sheehan appearance to heckle.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Great. Until then, I'll see all of you in the peace and security of cyberspace.

Adieu for today!

In Memoriam

Hooters Chairman Dead At 69

Expect a simple, dignified service:

BREAKING: Israel Attacks Zidane

PARIS - A tense world situation grew even more tense tonight, with news that Israel has attacked the practice space of controversial French soccer star Zinédine Zidane.



This explosive yet seemingly inevitable development comes one week after Zidane headbutted an Italian player at World Cup, and three days after the strike on South Lebanon by Israeli forces.

So far, it is believed that Mr. Zidane was unharmed in tonight's raid, as he was apologizing elsewhere when the bombs struck. But the symbolic import of this unprecedented clash between Mideast powerhouse and midfield power player can not be overstated.

Many longtime Middle East observers are tonight asking "Why?" Why would Israel choose to assault a French soccer compound when it's already fighting a two-front war in its home region? My sources in Jerusalem list these reasons:

1) Mr. Zidane is a Muslim - a strong, agile Muslim given to provocative gestures. While he's never explicitly called for the destruction of Israel, he's never explicitly not called for it either.

2) The practice space in question may be a hiding place for Hamas and Hezbollah secret agents, many of whom must have been encouraged by the hero's welcome Zidane received after the headbutting incident.

3) As it never qualified for this year's World Cup, Israel is in a unique position to take a stand against poor sportsmanship.

4) It's the weekend - time to cut loose.

Now, more background on the participants in tonight's match, Zizou vs. the Zionists.

First, Israel:

• It's been playing internationally since 1948.

• Nickname(s): "The Jewish state"; "The Jewish homeland".

• Playing style: It's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but sometimes it makes nice.



And Zinédine Zidane:

• He's been playing internationally since 1994.

• Nickname(s): Zizou; Butthead.

• Playing style: He's been known to be a bit aggressive on the field...



...but he too sometimes makes nice.



Good luck, gentlemen (and ladies)!

We'll have more on this story as events develop.........

Next Up



Einstein's Love Letters Revealed

Outing Bloggers



Allow me to get meta for just a moment. Lately, a few of my compatriots in what I call the "non-Lomblogosphere" have been "outed" by the news media - exposed as real people with lives and careers away from the Internet. A few were even revealed to have done work that related directly to the people and topics they've blogged on. Luckily, I've taken precautions to avoid this kind of conflict. Namely, I have no life and no career. It's a drastic step, but that's the price one pays to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

Still, I have great sympathy for bloggers who've found their private and professional lives the subject of media scrutiny. It seems this kind of thing is the result of the increasing influence of blogs and the fact that many journalists regard us as a threat of some kind. Why? I don't know. I honestly think that blogs may be the best thing to happen to the news media since Gutenberg invented the printing press and Ben Franklin invented the staple-gun. Thanks to blogs, the reporters and columnists who constitute the establishment press have a whole new audience for their work. And while most of that audience is busy composing expletive-filled hate mail, some will be readers and subscribers for many years to come.

Fortunately, a few people in the big media "get it" and are mature enough to handle the kind of intelligent critique blogs and blog-readers provide.

As David Brooks of the New York Times said to me in a recent e-mail:

Thank you very much for your thoughtful response to my recent column on Iraq. By the way, how did you know my wife is double-jointed?

But back to the topic at hand: should bloggers who'd like to remain anonymous expect cooperation from the news media? For my part, I honestly believe that anonymity is critical to what we do. Blogs like this give voice to the voiceless, the powerless and often, the pantless. Without the cover anonymity provides, dialogue on the Net would be as stilted and lifeless as it is on the nation's editorial pages. In fact, I think the editorial pages should take their cues from blogs. It'd be really cool if every Friday the editors of the Washington Post stopped publishing articles on Social Security reform or the future of the Democratic party and instead printed a bunch of cute pictures of their Calico kittens Fransisca and Princess Fluffytoes. That's when we'd know the "blogovolution" was fully in effect.

Until then, this is one blogger steadfastly guarding my identity from both the Old Media and those nasty people at the DMV.

Anonymously yours,

LF

Soon On Lomblog

"Uno - Dos...One - Two - Tres - Quattro!"



Out-Of-Work Garage Bands Flock To Participate In Mexican Recount

NK Nukes: A Solution

News from the Far East put a lot of people on edge this week. Following the long holiday weekend, North Korea's pint-sized Stalinist dictator popped up to remind an administration preoccupied with Iraq and Iran that you can't spell "Axis of Evil" without the "Il". Now the world holds its breath, hoping international condemnation can back down the most seriously bouffanted threat to hit the Asian continent since Gary Glitter.

Will tough talk, combined with diplomacy, do the trick? Can the president resolve this crisis? Can the UN?

I doubt it. But there is someone who could help, and it just so happens she's already a diplomatic force.



Now I realize Mrs. Jolie-Pitt is busy these days, having just given birth to the first product of naturally conceived genetic engineering. No doubt she has many major film projects in the pipeline, as well as responsibilities to her other children, which she adopted once Mia Farrow could no longer financially support them. But pardon me, I think saving the world from nuclear annihilation is a little more important.

By all accounts, Kim Jong is quite the ladies' man as well as a major movie buff. Being across the negotiating table from perhaps the most beautiful film actress of modern times would surely make him think twice about firing off missiles outside his own personal airspace, if you know what I mean.

And after that, who knows where things might lead?



Now I'm not advocating that Jolie permanently leave Brad, Hollywood and her ten biracial deaf orphan children to head off an arms race. But I do think "Jongelina" would be the celebrity coupling to end all celebrity coupling. A year or two as concubine to the ruler of an unstable regime would show that Jolie - and by extension, the entertainment community - is really serious about making a difference. Just like Clark Gable and Jimmy Stewart, who suited up to do battle with the original Axis menace, it's time for today's Hollywood royalty to sacrifice for the good of humanity.

After that, what could Jennifer Aniston possibly complain about?

Adieu for today!

Enrot



Yesterday, we learned that Enron founder Kenneth Lay died after experiencing a massive heart attack, just six weeks after experiencing a massive prosecution.

Here at Lomblog, we always show respect for the deceased. So let us be the one major news organization to highlight the positives of Mr. Lay's life and legacy.

Most retrospectives on this influential CEO have naturally focused on his central role in one of the country's largest corporate-abuse scandals. Others noted his longstanding friendship with President Bush. What most will overlook is the major contribution to charity he made with the millions he stole.

During his time at the top, Lay's largesse financed everything from construction of the baseball stadium Minute Maid Park (once named "Enron Field") to the Houston Holocaust Museum (once named "Enron Death Camp Exhibit"). There was even a Katy, Texas YMCA named in his honor - until it was decided that association with a convicted criminal and the Village People was too much stigma for one recreational center.

But more than what he gave us in life, there's the lesson he's given us with his death.

Once, like in 1987 or so, it was said that Greed was Good. But now we know the truth: Greed - along with stress brought on by the prospect of life in prison - Kills.

There's a reason why men like Lay burn out in the prime of life - 64 - while the likes of Warren Buffett continue to shine brightly well into their mid-seventies. It's because bilking old ladies out of their life savings puts a terrible strain on the arteries. If Lay had simply acted on the up-and-up, he might still be up-and-up.

So Mr. Lay's passing is just one more chapter that closes the books - cooked or otherwise - on the Age of Greed.

That's assuming he actually is dead.

During his corporate career, Lay proved to be one cagey hombré. It's possible that he has cheated Death too, by, say, shifting his vital signs to a part of his anatomy not yet examined by federal investigators.

But for now, let's listen to a MIDI rendition of "Everytime You Go Away" and think fond thoughts of Ken.

Adieu for today!