The Royal Wedding



Well, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have made it official: even a three-hour funeral mass conducted mostly in Latin gets higher ratings than the second marriage of England's future king. But the long-awaited union of these two adulterous aristocrats was still the subject of much curiosity. Unfortunately, I couldn't go myself; my celebratory kilt was still at the cleaners. But before the wedding, we did speak to Lomblog's official royal watcher, Ronnie Jove Montley. Ronnie is the host of the upcoming syndicated program Access: Buckingham, and a distant relation of both Lord Mountbatton and Lord & Taylor. Here's our conversation:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Ronnie, you've covered the royal family for a long time now. Many people on Saturday will probably think back to the day Prince Charles wed Lady Diana Spencer back in 1981. Can the current royals ever hope to match the excitement of the Charles and Di reign?

RONNIE JOVE MONTLEY: No, LF. Diana was a once-in-a-lifetime figure. She was both good copy and good television. She was glamourous, youthful, lively, elegant, graceful, poised and - sometimes - interesting.

LF: And how does Camilla differ?

RJM: Camilla differs in almost every respect.

LF: Sounds like it'll be a real challenge for royal-watchers like yourself to find things to talk about.

RJM: Certainly. Sometimes it'll be a challenge just keeping our eyes open.

LF: But surely, there will be some continuity. Diana was known for her charity work; won't Camilla - or the Princess-Consort, as she'll be known - carry on in the same vein?

RJM: Yes, LF. I believe that Camilla will be involved in several charities that are near and dear to her. In fact, I believe that over time, the Princess-Consort will emerge as the primary spokesperson for a number of causes, involving people who have been displaced, dispossessed, wounded, injured.

LF: Injured? Like land-mine victims?

RJM: No, LF. Each year, millions of people in Great Britain and throughout the world, are injured - by falling out of the "ugly tree" and hitting every branch on their way down. In everything she does and says - simply by her very being - Camilla will be a champion for these unfortunates.

LF: That doesn't sound like much of a cause.

RJM: Oh but it is. And there'll be other causes.

LF: Such as?

RJM: Well, in addition to her work on behalf of the homely, I believe the Princess-to-be will also advocate for those who have been ostracized, mistreated, beaten --

LF: Beaten? Like political prisoners? Battered wives?

RJM: No, LF. Millions of people, almost from the moment of their birth, are beaten - beaten with an "ugly stick". Beaten, and beaten so severely, it almost hurts to look at them. The Princess-Consort will bring their cause to the forefront because, let's be candid here - she has the kind of face that could stop Big Ben.

LF: That's very cruel.

RJM: Yes, it is cruel, when you consider the plight of those who have both fallen out of an "ugly tree" and been beaten with an "ugly stick", not to mention those who were so ugly at birth, the doctor slapped the mother --

LF: I'm sorry, but I find this very distasteful. Your "reporting" is simply recycling old jokes at the expense of the Princess-Consort! I mean, if Charles loves her, what does it matter what she looks like? And frankly, I don't think Camilla Parker Bowles is really that unattractive.

RJM: Ah. I see what you're saying: put a bag over her head and she's still a monarch, is that it?

LF: I did not say that. You know, you're awfully crude for a man who claims royal lineage.

RJM: Crude? Interesting word for a man who's all but admitted he'd like to trade places with Charles and mount the Windsor hobbyhorse -

LF: Stop putting words in my mouth -

RJM: Sorry. Just feel the need to liven things up around here.

LF: Understandable. Now, before we wrap up, can you explain to us why Camilla will be called the Princess-Consort? Why has she taken that title?

RJM: It's because of the controversy surrounding these two. Many Britons are uncomfortable with the idea that a divorcée who played a role in the break-up of the Prince's last marriage could someday be queen. Of course, there were other titles she considered. Such as "the Princess-Escort" and "the Princess-F*#@-Buddy". And this was not completely one-sided. Prince Charles also considered changing his title.

LF: Really? To what?

RJM: The Prince-Tampax.

LF: Honestly?

RJM: Yes. You may remember the controversy some years back in which secretly taped phone conversations revealed that the Prince would like to be reincarnated as Camilla's tampon. Calling himself "the Prince-Tampax of Wales" was just the kind of sentimental gesture you'd expect from a man so clearly besotted with his new bride. Fortunately, he was talked out of it.

LF: By the Queen?

RJM: No - by the Buckingham legal team. British libel and slander laws are very strict, you know.

LF: I'm not sure I understand.

RJM: Well, there was concern that a major tampon-manufacturer would feel itself slandered by an association with the British royal family.

LF: Thank you for clearing that up. Just out of curiosity, where do you go from here?

RJM: Believe it or not, I'll be following Prince Harry to a NASCAR rally in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Should be interesting, as I hear he's romancing the daughter of former white supremacist leader Tom Metzger. Oh, and though it's a bit outside my purview, I'm also heading to Monaco in the hopes that Prince Albert starts dating someone sightly.

LF: Thank you, Ronnie. I hope you'll find time to chat with us again. Until then, happy royal-watching!