Who Will Follow?

The big news this week is undoubtedly the death of Pope John Paul II. In Rome, thousands of mourners have gathered at St. Peter's Basilica for a chance to pay final respects and be interviewed by CNN's Anderson Cooper. It is impossible to not be moved by this procession. Of course, I didn't always see eye to eye with the pontiff; we disagreed on issues like abortion, the death penalty, gay marriage and the papal doctrine of infallibility. But I certainly admired his gusto, and even as a non-Catholic, felt a special kinship. When you consider the Pope's outspoken stance against the degradations of modern society, as conveyed in lengthy encyclicals which even his supposed followers didn't read, I think it's fair to dub him "World's Most Exalted Blogger."

As the affection for John Paul pours in from people of all faiths, it's shocking to consider that just a few decades ago Catholics were the subject of vicious slurs, even hate speak. In less enlightened quarters, Catholicism was portrayed as a sinister "cult" within Christianity; the Pope himself called a "spawn of Satan". Fortunately, that kind of bigotry is mostly behind us now. Today, the Church is far more synonymous with ritual child sex abuse and systemic cover-up. You've come a long way, baby!

So the question now is, What's next? Where does the Catholic flock go from here, and who will lead them? Luckily, I happen to have a close friend who works inside the Vatican and is privy to confidential discussions among Rome's elite clergy. Here's an e-mail I received from him today:

LF,

You and your readers may be aware that the College of Cardinals have selected April 18 as the date in which a new pope will be selected. But from what I'm hearing, the announcement could be quite anti-climactic. That's because one candidate has leapfrogged over all others, partly on the basis of his closeness to the deceased. He is perhaps the only possible replacement who can match John Paul's rock-star charisma and fervent world following. He is a man of proven compassion and deep spiritual faith. Alone among the potential pontiffs, he brings the promise of energy, youth and above all, constant media attention.

Catholics far and wide, meet your new Holy Father:



You could say this is a real "Hail Mary pass" by the Cardinals. But the many potential upsides far outweigh the down. In contrast to the current church leadership - seen as archaic and stuck in its ways - Bono is a master at reinventing himself. It's a trait that's enabled him to stay relevant long past the likes of Simple Minds' Jim Kerr or that other mullet-wearing guy who sang for the Alarm.

While John Paul II was the most well-traveled pope in history, Bono is even more well-traveled. He has shown the ability to lift the spirits of the downtrodden the world over, whether they inhabit rundown huts in North Africa or the studio audience of Saturday Night Live. His way with a romantic ballad and unvarnished masculinity will also help the Church recover some heterosexual bona fides lost in the recent molestation scandals.

Of course, this decision is not yet final. There are still kinks to be worked out. Bono is not actually Catholic, nor does he speak Italian. If he accepts, he will have to slightly reduce the size of his personal entourage and cutback on outside projects. Moreover, as a long-term member of one of the world's most successful rock bands, the projected pope no doubt has much to atone for, such as wearing leather pants at Live Aid and the Village People crap in that late Nineties video. I won't say Pop was as bad as the Crusades, but man, what a stinker.

Would the papacy of Bono I be traditionalist or reformist? His lyrics might give some clue but it probably depends on how heavily Brian Eno is involved in the production of Mass.

Lastly, there is a chance that Bono could turn down this high honor. Leading the world's largest Christian denomination is an even more high-pressure gig than heading the World Bank or advertising iPods. But the man has never been known to shrink from a stage.

Everyone at the Vatican can only hope that when the offer is finally made, Bono's response goes something like this:

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers