Question Of The Day

Is Lomblog devoting too much coverage to the Foley scandal? Take our poll.


Rep. Mark Foley

PollPub.com Vote

Too much Foley?

Yea
Nay
Don't stop, I'm almost there



Poll powered by PollPub.com Free Polls

We'll be measuring your responses all day...

Mo' Breakin': The One Foley-Related Webpage That Hasn't Been Scrubbed

Once news broke of Rep. Mark Foley (R-U Hard?) and his ongoing bout with Demon Lil' Johnny, many websites immediately purged all their glowing references and smilin' photos of the man who put the "member" in "former member of Congress". Even the NAMBLA site removed their 2003 citation of Foley as "Congressman of the Year". Because of this, the Google well of post-facto Foley weirdness is beginning to run dry. Forcing me to take a different route: Yahoo! Image Search

While doing some research for the last post, I stumbled across this page, which looks to be circa 1997-ish. It documents Congressman Foley's visit to a Florida middle school enrolled in NASA's now-defunct Virtual Science Mentor Program.



As you can see, not only are there shots of Alias "Maf54" sitting with students and gazing (wistfully?) at a computer screen, but there's some very entertaining text as well:

Our school year started with a flair and ended that way, too. On May 27th, we were fortunate to have Congressman Mark Foley visit as we were videoconferencing with our mentor, Mike Generale. [Editor: I believe this is called "camming" now] Just as Mike recommended that students should write their congressman, in walked Congressman Foley! [With ice cream!] Students were able to learn about the interaction between government and science.[Insert your own "Foley plays Mr. Wizard" joke here]

To close our class, Congressman Foley described life as a United States Congress member. We learned about his recent visit with President Clinton and ride on Air Force One. By the way, Congressman Foley does an excellent impression of President Clinton!

Oh boy.

Now the Republicans have an angle: it was all a Fred Travalina-esque comedy routine! Inspired by...a Democrat!!!

FOLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to imagine President Bill Clinton if he were into young boys.

I think it might go something like this.....(turns around)

When he's out of rehab, you just know he'll knock 'em dead in Branson.

Breaking: Mark Foley Comes Out!

At an afternoon press conference jam-packed with reporters and excuses, the lawyer for ex-Congressman Mark Foley (R-Horny) dropped this unexpected bombshell:

Mark Foley wants you to know that he is a gay man.

OMG!

Mark Foley is gay!?!?



You mean....

this Mark Foley?



This guy?



Maybe my gaydar is busted from all these years in Hollywood but I never would've guessed it.



Whoa...whoa...gimme a minute. So many shocks these last few days...it's a little hard to process it all.

Next, someone's going to suggest the congressman took some kind of undue interest in being around young men.



Lord protect this child...from future revelations.

Coming Up

You've Got Meltdown



Republicans Deny Knowledge Of Foley E-Cards

When Foley Met O'Reilly

Q. What's red, white & blue and clammy all over?

A. Mark Foley and Bill O'Reilly in a two-shot.

Yes, hard to believe, but not so long ago, Congressman Foley appeared on The O'Reilly Factor to discuss his crusade to build a national sex-offender registry list as comprehensive as his collection of teenage contact details.

Courtesy Wonkette, it's a visit to the No-Sense-Of-Irony Zone:



You know, that was only May but I feel safer already.

As much attention as the Foley story has attracted so far, there are still many angles yet to be explored. With that in mind, I'd like to present the following reconstruction of what might have happened after Mr. O'Reilly invited Rep. Foley to appear on his show that night.

Note: all the dialogue included in this exchange is based on actual conversations that have been publicly documented.

Foley: i am in pensecola...had to catch a plane

O'Reilly: Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think I'd do...

Foley: I would drive a few miles for a hot stud like you

O'Reilly: Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around...

Foley: now in my hotel room

O'Reilly: yeah we'd check into the room, and we would order up room service and uh and you'd definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get 'em into you...

Foley: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm beautiful

O'Reilly: You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back...

Foley: love details

O'Reilly: rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water...and um...

Foley: i like steamroom

O'Reilly: you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda' put my arm - it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it...

Foley: well dont ruin my mental picture

O'Reilly: I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I'll appreciate it. I mean it.

See you on The Factor, Congressman.

Foley: Looking forward to it.

Ok, I admit it: I took some liberties and made up the last two sentences. But it sounds pretty real, doesn't it?

The Latest


Foley Checks Into Rehab

Q. What do you call it when Mel Gibson and Mark Foley get drunk together?

A. The Worst Bar Mitzvah Ever

More Lomblog Scandal Watch later...

Saturday Matinee: Special Sunday Edition

(In honor of National Hispanic Heritage Month)

¿Es el fin de semana - qué hora mejor para una película? Sí, es hora para otra edición del Matinee de Sábado, gracias a la invención ma's grande, YouTube.

Hoy...Bugs Bunny!



¿Ese Elmer Fudd es realmente algo, no?

(Univision, escríbame)

Congressman Mark Foley's Virtual Townhall Meeting

Yesterday, Florida Republican Congressman Mark Foley was forced to resign after revelations that he had sent sexually explicit instant messages to underage male congressional pages. For many in Foley's district, this news was quite shocking. But constituents who attended Foley's online "town meeting" back in June were perhaps less surprised...

Maf54: hi im congressman Mark Foley and welcome to my first live chat!

my apologies for the delay in getting started...i just rode 25-miles on my bike so im all hot and sweaty...but totally pumped about answering your questions!

lets get to it!

Marsha: Hi, Congressman Foley.

Maf54: hi marsha!

Marsha: I have a question about education. As the mother of twins who just completed their first year in high school, school funding is a big concern of mine.

Maf54: m or f?

Marsha: Huh?

Maf54: sorry...are your twins male or female?

Marsha: Oh. Not quite sure why it matters, but they're both girls.

Maf54: well marsha...im not on any of the education committees this year...but if you like...you could send your question to my staff and they might get back to you later...ok?

Marsha: Ok.

Maf54: thanks!

Peter: Hi, Congressman.

Maf54: hi peter!

Peter: Given the last response, I don't know if you can answer this, but I have a question about student loans.

Maf54: go ahead!

Peter: I've been thinking about applying for college aid next year.

Maf54: cool...how old are you now?

Peter: I'll be 18 in December.

Maf54: wow...from the tone of your question you sound much older...

Peter: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Maf54: what do you want for your birthday? what kind of stuff do you like to do?

Peter: ????

Maf54: ok...student loans is a very complex issue...but if you want... there are some documents i could send from my computer...do you have AIM?

Peter: Uh, Congressman, I really need to get back to studying. Thanks.

Maf54: but its summer break!

ok,,,,who else has a question?

Denise: Hello Mark!

Maf54: hi denise...are you the denise i think you are?

Denise: Sure am. I do have a question, but first I want to brag on you a bit!

Maf54: im blushing already!

Denise: Whenever someone says to me there are no decent people left in Congress, I always say, "You haven't met Mark Foley." He is what some of my Jewish friends here in South Florida call a mensch. When my son had a big soccer game, Congressman Foley was there. When my other son was competing in a wrestling championship, the congressman dropped everything he was doing and flew back to the district. When my daughter came back from serving in Iraq, Mark couldn't be there - both his grandmas were having surgery - but he sent a very nice note! That's just the kind of man he is.

I tell you, sometimes I think we don't need to re-elect Mark Foley, we need to clone him.

Maf54: haha now i have to rethink my stance on cloning! but trust me...theres more than enough of me to go around!

seriously,,,denise...i have a big night ahead of me...whats your question?

Denise: More a statement than a question: I've been having a lot of trouble with e-mails to your website. I wrote you from my personal address a bunch of times last year and it took me forever to get anything back. But when I sent an e-mail from my son's account, I got a response within an hour, asking for photos and if I wanted tickets to see Good Charlotte.

Maf54: oh...sorry about that...

Denise: I'm just hoping your webmaster isn't a Democrat or somebody trying to embarrass you.

Maf54: dont worry about it,,denise...that person has been disciplined very severely...and thank you for those pictures you sent

Denise: Anytime! Did you like my haircut?

Maf54: of course...i love the new pageboy!

Peter: Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

Maf54: peter...your back! you have a question about health care?

Take The Quiz

Which Scandal-Ridden Republican Are You?

Whoever you are, you're in big trouble. And stop e-mailing my kid!
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

More later...

More Help Needed

Hello friends,

Thanks for all who responded to my last help request. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to nail down that Pope story but I did learn about some great dance clubs in Vatican City.

Anyway, I have a new story I'm working on, and again, I need your help.

I just received word from a trusted source that Senator George Allen (R-VA) once played Tevye in a production of Fiddler On The Roof.



If you or anyone you know has credible information on this matter, contact me.

Thanks.

The Senate Debates Torture

Just hours ago, the Senate approved a measure establishing military tribunals for terror suspects. The bill also granted the president wide latitude in defining acceptable methods of interrogation.

By all accounts, this vote was historic, and so was the action on the Senate floor today.



First, the chamber debated an amendment introduced by Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) that would have restored habeas corpus rights absent from the original legislation. The Senate rejected the Spector amendment on a mostly party-line vote, 51-48. Then, by the same margin, the Republican majority voted to strip Sen. Spector naked and douse him with freezing cold water.

Later, Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) offered another amendment. This one would've established Congressional oversight over CIA detention programs. It failed 53-46. Afterwards, senators voted 50-49 to cover Sen. Rockefeller with a hood and chain him to his desk for the remainder of the session.

After a recess, the body debated an amendment from Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) that would've forced Congress to reconsider the legislation at the end of five years. Once again, the amendment failed. But a resolution to lead large rabid dogs into Mr. Byrd's cubbyhole during the Senator's appointed naptime was passed 52-47.

Finally, liberal stalwart Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) introduced an amendment designed to protect Americans captured abroad from extreme questioning techniques, such as waterboarding. It too was voted down, 53-46. Shortly thereafter, Kennedy exited the Capitol and made a quick dash across the Potomac River. But he returned in time for the evening vote.

What a day! I've always heard that seeing the legislative process up-close was like "watching sausage being made" but I never knew it could really be such a meat-grind!

History At The Auction Haus

Yesterday, a series of paintings and sketches allegedly created by Adolf Hitler collectively fetched $220,000 at a British auction.

For most people, the very concept of "Hitler art" - much less a Hitler art auction - is distasteful. Yet it may be worth reviewing some of the work exhibited at this event, if only to gain further insight into the mind of history's most notorious mass murderer.

So let's look briefly at Hitler the painter.



This is The Church of Preux-au-Bois, a Hitler landscape which received the largest bid at Tuesday's auction. It's a fairly standard painting of its type; the kind of thing that - give or take a few minor touches - could hang on the walls of any hotel in America. Yet there is something haunting about it. I can't figure it out. But I'd say that behind the vivid colors in this piece is a distinctly Teutonic gloom.



This is another painting in much the same vein. I couldn't find a title for it online but I understand the major Hitler art collectors call it Kitten in the Woods. The art style is a little more realistic; you have to (grudgingly) admire the sense of perspective. Again, there is something disturbing here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it's just too hard to separate the work from its creator.



Ok, this one is a little different. It's a still life - the kind of thing every art student is asked to put forth at some point. Nothing too impressive here. Though there is something pleasing about this piece - something that despite what I know of its origins somehow makes me feel welcome.

That, apparently, is rare for a Hitler.

Regardless, I think it's fair to the say the Great Dictator was mostly a Great Mediocrity when it came to expressing himself on canvas.

Help Needed

Hello readers,

I'm going to need your help with something. I recently received a tip from a confidential source who says that in private conversations over a five-year period, Pope Benedict XVI repeatedly used the phrase "badonkadonk".



If you or anyone you know can verify this, contact me.

Thanks.

Up Next

Harried, But Not Dead



Intelligence Officials Confused On Bin Laden Status

Saturday Matinee: And Then There's Madame

It's the weekend. What better time to relax by the flickering light of grainy old videos uploaded to the Internet? Thanks once again to YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention - it's another edition of Saturday Matinee.

Today's installment features two grand dames who made their mark in 1970s show business, Bea Arthur and Madame. Bea, of course, needs no introduction. But for those of you who weren't around or have suppressed your memories, Madame cut a wide swath through the puppet-loving heart of middle America in the late stagflation years. She even had her own show, Madame's Place - which locally used to air on Sunday nights just before my bedtime, and may explain why Lombaire Fan is still a light sleeper.

SPOILER: the following footage is disturbing on multiple levels. Enjoy.



You can add Madame to your MySpace list here.

Americans For Torture Speak Out

An e-mail I received today:

Dear Friend,

Today, the pro-torture movement took a major step forward. The compromise worked out between the White House and congressional Republicans isn't perfect, but it represents a significant advance for the cause of government-sponsored sadism.

When the Pro-Torture Coalition was founded in 1997 - by Augusto Pinochet, Henry Kissinger and Rick James - people laughed at us. But now our views are mainstream, with supporters in all three branches of the US government, and among more independent-minded members of the CIA and military. Regardless of what happens in this year's elections, we aren't going away. We have just begun to fight - and to inflict brutal, physical, emotional and mental pain on our adversaries through a variety of diabolically complex methods.

We'd like to thank some who have graciously, if belatedly, embraced our position. Senator John McCain, in particular, deserves kudos for recognizing the president's inherent right to decide what is and isn't torture, despite his personal conflict on this issue.

But as always, we can't stop now.

Yes, we may have scored a touchdown but the game isn't over. Organizations like Amnesty International are still on the playing field, raising money at glitzy Hollywood fundraisers and repeating the same tired old saws about "preserving human dignity" and "upholding the Geneva Convention." Some of these self-rightous "activists" won't be satisfied until no one is tortured. Imagine if we took a position that extreme.

Fortunately, there are ways to help. Contribute directly or click the link below to visit the Americans For Torture giftshop. There you can buy stickers with our slogan, "If You Outlaw Torture, Only Outlaws Will Torture"; and t-shirts with the legend, "If You Don't Approve Of Waterboarding, You're All Wet."

Every cent earned from these products will insure that someone, somewhere is brutally mistreated.

Support AFT: the fight is yours - whether you know it or not.

Signed,
Alberto Gonzales
Ann Coulter
Trent Reznor

Paid For By TorturePAC '06

This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: September 22, 2004

"Axis Of Easy Listening"

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage!

Coming Up

Mahmoud Takes Manhattan


Iranian President Visits UN, Guests On The View

Ready For Prime Time At Last!

On TV, the Big 4 are rolling out the "big guns" of their fall line-up this week - new shows (like the old) which feature various combinations of Charlie Sheen, leggy attorneys and cadavers. Now, I have a lot of friends in the TV industry, but I'm sort of not-so-secretly hoping that all of them fail over the next few months. That isn't cold-bloodedness - it's pragmatism. You see, I have a series in development with a distinct chance of possible pick-up as a mid-season replacement.

Ok, for those of you who aren't insiders and may be unfamiliar with some of the lingo: "development" refers to a production that's being "developed" by one of the networks. "Pick-up" is when a program's been "picked up" for air. And "mid-season replacement" is what they call a series that "replaces" an existing show in the "middle" of the TV season (which follows the Jewish calendar, or so my friends at Icon tell me).

Anyway, this is what I've been working on:



They say, "Write what you know", and I took it to heart. Studio Apartment 6A is about life behind the scenes at a major humor blog. Sean Astin, of LOTR fame, plays the character based on me, Rumbaire Lover; Eddie Griffin (Undercover Brother) is Bingo, the guy who delivers my pizza when I'm stuck in Photoshop; and Lomblog spiritual advisor Jenifer Edsel is portrayed by the likeness of Anne Frank.

It's all there - the humor, the pathos, the misleading time-stamps. I couldn't have written it if I didn't live it, and if I didn't live it, I wouldn't have written it.

So, remember, Studio Apartment 6A: coming to prime time soon. Maybe real soon, if that Jeffrey Tambor/John Lithgow show bites it hard.

Let's keep our fingers crossed.

TV History Unearthed

This week, the long-running CBS reality show Survivor made its season debut. The series is especially controversial this year, with the producers' decision to separate the tribes by race.

It's not a Survivor first, however. I recently came across an old issue of TV Guide from the show's very first season. As you'll see from this ad, the program has always pushed the envelope on race relations.



Always helps to look back, doesn't it? Granted, Jeff Probst is a very different host than George Wallace.

In the same vein, I'm looking forward to the American debut of Germany's new hit, Dancing With The Semites. Should be fun.