What Are You Looking At?

By Special Guest Blogger, Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi


Mr. al-Saeedi - reportedly Al Qaeda's no. 2 man in Iraq - was recently captured near Baghdad.

Hey - stop staring! Yeah, I know I don't photograph well. Get over it! How do you think you'd look if someone pulled you out of your spiderhole at 3 in the morning? Besides, you've seen that celebrity mug-shot site - most of 'em wish they looked this good! The one thing I don't like is those green borders around my face. They make it look like I got busted in the stall next to George Michael. But what can you do?

You know, a lot of Westerners come up to me after I've threatened them, and they say, "Hamed, why is it I'm always hearing about Al-Qaeda's 'no. 2' being arrested? How can that be? You people have more no. 2's than a bathroom at Taco Bell!" And I say, "Infidel, there's only one way to explain it."

I sing:

Two is the greatest Al-Qaeda you'll ever find
Two can be as big as One
Number One's Osama and he ain't gonna come
Noooo

BRIDGE

It's just no good anymore since Zarqawi died
Now we spend our time
Threatening airlines
With Gatorade and Tide

Harry Nilsson, man. So underrated.

I follow the news, you know. Before I was nabbed, I read about those Fox News reporters kidnapped in Gaza. Even as a hardened professional Jihadist, that story gave me chills. I mean, can you imagine those people? Scared, helpless, brainwashed - and then they were kidnapped! Zing! Actually, some of us Al-Qaedies in Iraq were going to grab Geraldo Rivera and make him our new spokesman. Then we realized - we're trying to gain followers, not lose them! Double Zing!

Big week for the AQ, of course. We put out a new tape. I guess I was the only one in the whole organization who thought it would be a good idea to call them "Jihadcasts". How many times do I have to say it - we don't have to reject everything modern! But headquarters doesn't listen.

The September 11 anniversary is coming up next week. Man, can you believe it? I was just in training camp back then. You know, I remember that Woody Allen movie - and don't stone me, my brothers, I know he's a Zionist - where Alan Alda says "Comedy is tragedy plus time." So true. Five years ago, I couldn't make jokes about the death of Mohammed Atta. Now, I can say this, but just between you and me: I don't think Mohammed was looking to meet 72 female virgins. He was a little light in the flight plans, if you know what I mean. Bought his box cutters in the Village, if you catch my drift. Come on, look at the photos - he's a 'stache away from Freddie Mercury. Dude hadn't seen twin towers since he was breastfeeding. Oh, for Allah's sake, don't listen to me - I'm just riffin'.

Well, interrogation time is starting up so I best get going. As we used to say in the Seventies, keep on truckbombin'!

Hamed