National Lampoon's Endless Occupation



While I didn't attend the president's news conference yesterday (long story, but I'm not allowed within ten feet of Tony Snow), I did notice this statement on Iraq getting a lot of play:

We're not leaving, so long as I'm the President.

A lot of people have wondered over the years how President Bush sees himself in the context of history, which I understand he's starting to bone up on a bit. And now I think we have an answer.

He sees the GWoT-PI-TWNSIC-9/11 (Global War On Terror, Plus Iraq, Though We Never Said Iraq Caused 9/11) as a very long road trip, and himself as America's Dad and driver.

He's frustrated with us (as he also said in that press conference: "Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised." Ouch!). We're in the backseat, making a lot of noise. We complain about the air conditioning, the costs, the casualties, the impending civil war, mean things our brother has done to Iraqi women and children etc. At first, he tries to sweet-talk us, with promises of how great everything will be once we arrive at our destination. But now he's completely had it, and is ready to lay down the law: "Shut up! We're not leaving until I say we're leaving. And if you keep complaining, I will stop this nation cold and start this war all over again! With Iran or Syria."

That covers the president, but how about some of the other players in this Administration, like Cheney? Clearly, he's Dad's boss-man, and the only person we've seen who could really intimidate him. Once, when our parents weren't there, we answered the phone and he was on the other end. We still have nightmares about that.

And Rumsfeld? He's the doddering old uncle no one wants to travel with. He's always muttering questions to himself or using old phrases we don't understand. Absent-minded too. Forgets things, like where he left his glasses or the correct number of troops needed to secure Iraq's borders. And he leaves embarrassing photos in the drawers of his desk - mostly from Abu Ghraib and Gitmo. Lot of red faces at the dinner table after that.

But back to the president. Ever since 9/11, there's been a lot of talk about which historical figure he most resembles. And I think we finally have an answer. It isn't Truman, Churchill, Roosevelt or Hitler.

It's Clark Griswold.



This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy ...