Pluto Sacked



Earlier today in Prague, a panel of 424 astronomers decided that Pluto is no longer a planet - probably the most humiliating thing to happen to any of the Big Nine Big Eight since John Grey got a book deal.

Needless to say, this is big news for star-gazers the world over, including here in Hollywood. For some in-depth reaction from someone in-the-know, I spoke with the man who has faithfully represented Pluto since 1982, his agent Peter Bernman:

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Greetings. How is Pluto holding up?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
He's doing well, LF. He's taking it in stride. You know, he's been in this universe for a long time. He's seen a lot of orbits. He knows you can't win 'em all but he also knows what goes around, comes around - just because you're not a planet today doesn't mean you won't be a planet tomorrow.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But the astronomers say he's not a planet.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
I know what the astronomers say. But what do you say? What do the people say? I think if you went up to people on the street right now and you asked them if Pluto was a planet, they'd say, "Hell yes, Pluto is a planet. And a damn good one."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But this isn't really about popular opinion, is it? Aren't scientists the final arbitrators on this matter?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Actually, no. Look - there's not a lot I can say about this because it will be in the courts soon. I can say that if Carl Sagan were alive today, he'd be ashamed of his profession.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I detect a hint of bitterness.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Bitterness? No. Is there disappointment that someone can be arbitrarily dropped from the solar system after years and years of a professional relationship? Of course. But Pluto still has a lot of support. People still want to study his atmosphere. NASA is still taking pictures of him. I know a guy who bought a special telescope just so his kid could look at my client. So he is not, in any sense, a failure.

I don't think, by the way, that the commercial ramifications of this have been completely thought through by our friends in the Czech Republic.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Commercial ramifications? Such as?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Well, you know those scale models of the universe people have? Where each little ball represents a different planet? What's going to happen to those? Are they all going to be destroyed and replaced? And how expensive will that be? The last time I looked, astronomy was not a real growth industry. And you're gonna take one of the principal, astronomical money-makers - probably the planet with the highest name-ID outside Earth and Mars - and tear him down while he's in its prime? That just doesn't make financial sense to me.

And for what? Because you think he's too aloof from the Sun? Because you don't like his relationship with Ceres and Charon? It's ridiculous. And that's why we're appealing.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Is he satisfied at all with the designation "dwarf planet"?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Unfortunately, LF, that is just another instance of the International Astronomical Union trying to demean him. My client has a sense of humor about himself; he's used to jokes about his size. But to include that in supposedly neutral, objective, "scientific" findings - it just smacks of a vendetta.

I know Pluto; he is nobody's "dwarf". Next to other solar bodies, yes, but he towers over most of us.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
No doubt. He's probably the largest client you've represented.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Not true. I was with Star Jones before her diet.

Kidding.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I thought so. Peter Bernman, good luck to you and Pluto.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Thank you. If you're looking for ways to help, go to www.citizens-for-a-fair-universe.org. Pluto probably won't receive your letters for three or four Earth years but he will receive your letters.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Good to know.