One For The Road

Greetings, old - and new - chums,

Well, the summer of '06 is winding down, and so am I. By this time tomorrow, I'll be enjoying some quality downtime in the Bahamas. Unfortunately, none of the laptops I travel with have Internet access. So, alas, you'll have to make due without me until my triumphant return early next week.

But while I'll be on vacation, Lomblog won't be. In planning for my trip, I've arranged some exciting guest bloggers who will continue to inform, educate, entertain, and if possible, infocatatain you while I'm off enjoying the good life.

This is the schedule for the rest of the week:

Thursday: To Be Announced
Friday: TBA
Saturday: TBA
Sunday: David Brenner

What can I say? The man's a comic legend, and his rates are very, very low.

But before I go, I want to say a word about an aspect of the site which has changed over the last ten days. With hardly any prompting, we now have a burgeoning community of Lomblog message board regulars. This means a lot to me. As you might have guessed from my screen name, I started out as a lowly reg on someone else's site (I won't mention who because we're still in litigation). So no matter how successful I eventually become, my heart remains with the little people.

It's my hope this virtual secret society of ours will continue to grow and grow until the point where we all meet at a mass wedding ceremony personally conducted by me at Madison Square Garden.

But that event is at least six months in the future. Don't haul out the white lace just yet!

Until I return, be good to the guest bloggers.

Adieu for summer,

LF

Soon On Lomblog

Still Doin'A Heckuva Job



Ex-FEMA Chief Reminisces With Make-Believe Rescue Mission

This Day In Lomblog History

From The Archives: August 30, 2004

"LF At The RNC"

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging.

So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Up Next



John Mark Karr Downgraded To Dwarf Media Distraction

Chat With A Bin Laden Mistress

Last week, a Sudanese woman named Kola Boof made headlines worldwide with her claims of a relationship with terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden. Now, another woman - this time an American - has stepped forward to describe her experiences with the world's most wanted man.



While the happenings in Boof's tale allegedly took place a decade ago, Karen Maroney - a thirty-three-year-old customer service representative from Reno, Nevada - writes of a romance with Bin-Laden that commenced after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks that brought the Al-Qaeda leader household infamy.

I spoke with Ms. Maroney via phone earlier this evening:

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Hello. So how exactly did you, an American, come to meet Mr. Bin Laden?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Through Craigslist.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That seems implausible.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, I've met lots of people through there. If you're single, you should definitely check it out.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But Osama Bin-Laden?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He responded to your ad?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No, I responded to his.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
What did it say?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, keep in mind, this was over a year ago, and I'm not one who saves things but it said something like: "Tall, wealthy, likes to travel. Seeks obedient Westerner. Must be STD-free and hate the scourge of Zionism. No BBWs pls."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And you responded to that?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Sure, why not?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And how did you find out it was him?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
He sent me a picture, and I said, "Are you that guy on CNN?" He was kind of bashful at first, but after a while he admitted it.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Wait - he e-mailed you a picture?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
No. It was through his camera phone.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
He has a camera phone?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yeah - do you have one?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Not important. Beyond all that, when did this flirtation turn romantic?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
When he opened up to me about his health. The last few years have been really rough on him, he told me. Because of this, he said if we ever met, he might not be able to "perform" as he might like. And, well...I saw a different side of him. He was vulnerable, and real to me for the first time.

What can I say? I'm a woman. I just wanted to reach through the Motorola, wipe that mountain dust off his beard, and say, "Osamie, you don't have to hide anymore. This time, you've been found. By me."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Very revealing. And in its own way, very touching.

And you say that you did meet eventually?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We met at the Bellagio.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
In Vegas?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. We didn't hit any of the casinos; he's very strict about that. But he was there. Not alone; he was with his posse.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Who was in his "posse"?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Well, a bunch of guys. But there were four of us in the room that night: me, Osama, Saddam Hussein and Mohamed Atta.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
And this was last year?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Thereabouts.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
That can't be.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Like I told you, I don't know all the dates. But I know what I saw...and what I felt.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Well, ok.

You know, coincidentally, there's another woman with a book, Kola Boof, who claims to have had an affair with Bin-Laden. Do you believe her?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Oh no, she's a total liar. Didn't she say he was obsessed with Whitney Houston?

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Yes.

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
I happen to know he much prefers Alicia Keys.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Interesting.

I guess a big question we've overlooked in all this: have you ever been contacted by the FBI?

Karen Maroney, author - I Loved Osama
Yes. Shortly after my book's publication was announced, they told me they were looking for Arabic translators.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Karen Maroney, thanks for talking to me. And good luck.

Coming Up



Tropical Storm Ernesto Threatens Florida Coast, Outpolls Katherine Harris

Too Close To Call

Ok, I was going to take Sunday off. But I noticed something happening with our sidebar poll that I just couldn't ignore.



It's a deadlock! - the closest Lomblog webpoll in history.

As exciting as this is, the last thing we need is a blogpoll decided in the courts. That would divide the site's readership like nothing since my review of the 9/11 report. This poll will be open until tomorrow at noon PST. So if you haven't voted yet, please do so. Your vote can make a difference.

If you have voted but know someone who hasn't, drag them to the keyboard, sit them down, explain our Lomblog webpoll process, and let democracy flourish.

Also: I've heard disturbing reports that Portugese Lomblog visitors are being told they are ineligible to participate. Not true.

Let me say a special word to the Portugese: Sim, você pode votar! E PayPal mim em lombairefan@hotmail.com!

Of course, some will argue that none of this matters. They'll say a choice between two throwaway gags that allude to Iranian anti-Semitism is really no choice at all.

To which I say: Where have we heard that before?



So vote!

Saturday Matinee: The Bonzo Dog Band

It's the weekend. What could be a better time for quality entertainment that doesn't strain your eyes with lots of smart-alecky, big-shot "writing"? So here, courtesy YouTube - man's greatest-ever invention - is another installment of Saturday Matinee.

Today's movie: a vintage promo clip featuring The Bonzo Dog Band and their 1968 hit single "I'm The Urban Spaceman". Enjoy, and don't let that kazoo scare you.



Ah, the Sixties. The universe was so much larger then.

Restaurant At The End Of The Über-Race



A big topic on blogs this week was the opening and very prompt closing of Hitler's Cross, a Nazi-oriented theme restaurant in New Bombay, India.

While the HC may have been a failed experiment, I think we can look forward to a whole string of Aryan-based eateries (Editor's note: if you have taste and a moral compass, please look away):

TGI Goebbel's

The Four Seizures

Reichstag Steakhouse

Gold Starbucks

Nuremburgers

Ben & Gerry's

Pizza Putsch

Tavern On The Rhineland

The Hard Reich Cafe

Bob's Eugenically-Bred Big Boy

Burger Chancellor

Adolf Garden

Bunker King (Home of the Fuhrer)

International Hiding House of Pancakes

Planet Holocaust

BeniHimmler's

Add your own, if you also lack taste and a moral compass.

The Language Amendment Amendment

Last night, I said I would have more to say on the topic of immigration and national identity. Here goes ...

A few months ago, the Senate passed an amendment declaring English the "national language" of the United States. Today, I'd like to propose an amendment to that amendment.

It would read something like this:

"While the Government of the United States has declared English the official language, a few select English words should, for the remainder of calendar year 2006, be used with extreme caution.

Any verbal communication in public that combines the following terms is officially frowned upon:

(1) 'Snakes'
(2) 'On'
(3) 'Plane'
(4) A popular four-syllable obscenity which Congress does not deign to repeat in government documents.

Violation of this resolution will carry no official sanction, unless the offender is a white male between the ages of 18-35 who utters said words while approximating an African-American male dialect. Such parties could receive a jail sentence."

I've have a petition you can sign later on ...

Pluto Sacked



Earlier today in Prague, a panel of 424 astronomers decided that Pluto is no longer a planet - probably the most humiliating thing to happen to any of the Big Nine Big Eight since John Grey got a book deal.

Needless to say, this is big news for star-gazers the world over, including here in Hollywood. For some in-depth reaction from someone in-the-know, I spoke with the man who has faithfully represented Pluto since 1982, his agent Peter Bernman:

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Greetings. How is Pluto holding up?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
He's doing well, LF. He's taking it in stride. You know, he's been in this universe for a long time. He's seen a lot of orbits. He knows you can't win 'em all but he also knows what goes around, comes around - just because you're not a planet today doesn't mean you won't be a planet tomorrow.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But the astronomers say he's not a planet.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
I know what the astronomers say. But what do you say? What do the people say? I think if you went up to people on the street right now and you asked them if Pluto was a planet, they'd say, "Hell yes, Pluto is a planet. And a damn good one."

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
But this isn't really about popular opinion, is it? Aren't scientists the final arbitrators on this matter?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Actually, no. Look - there's not a lot I can say about this because it will be in the courts soon. I can say that if Carl Sagan were alive today, he'd be ashamed of his profession.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I detect a hint of bitterness.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Bitterness? No. Is there disappointment that someone can be arbitrarily dropped from the solar system after years and years of a professional relationship? Of course. But Pluto still has a lot of support. People still want to study his atmosphere. NASA is still taking pictures of him. I know a guy who bought a special telescope just so his kid could look at my client. So he is not, in any sense, a failure.

I don't think, by the way, that the commercial ramifications of this have been completely thought through by our friends in the Czech Republic.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Commercial ramifications? Such as?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Well, you know those scale models of the universe people have? Where each little ball represents a different planet? What's going to happen to those? Are they all going to be destroyed and replaced? And how expensive will that be? The last time I looked, astronomy was not a real growth industry. And you're gonna take one of the principal, astronomical money-makers - probably the planet with the highest name-ID outside Earth and Mars - and tear him down while he's in its prime? That just doesn't make financial sense to me.

And for what? Because you think he's too aloof from the Sun? Because you don't like his relationship with Ceres and Charon? It's ridiculous. And that's why we're appealing.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Is he satisfied at all with the designation "dwarf planet"?

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Unfortunately, LF, that is just another instance of the International Astronomical Union trying to demean him. My client has a sense of humor about himself; he's used to jokes about his size. But to include that in supposedly neutral, objective, "scientific" findings - it just smacks of a vendetta.

I know Pluto; he is nobody's "dwarf". Next to other solar bodies, yes, but he towers over most of us.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
No doubt. He's probably the largest client you've represented.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Not true. I was with Star Jones before her diet.

Kidding.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
I thought so. Peter Bernman, good luck to you and Pluto.

Peter Bernman, agent for ex-planet Pluto
Thank you. If you're looking for ways to help, go to www.citizens-for-a-fair-universe.org. Pluto probably won't receive your letters for three or four Earth years but he will receive your letters.

Lombaire Fan, writer/editor/artist/raconteur
Good to know.