My Chat With Chertoff

Yesterday, authorities in London arrested twenty-four men suspected in a terrorist plot. While a direct link to Al-Qaeda has yet to be established, this is no doubt the biggest victory for British intelligence since the closing scenes of Moonraker. Earlier, I spoke with Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff about Thursday's developments.



LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello, Mr. Secretary.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Hello, LF.

LOMBAIRE FAN: From what I've seen, you seem very pleased with this week's news.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF. With the knowledge of how well our security agencies can work together, even across the Atlantic, I'm almost glowing.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Haha, I noticed. But I thought maybe it was your new aftershave.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: I'm sorry -- I don't find that humorous. Aftershave is one of the elements that can be used to create a liquid bomb. If you have any on your person right now, my agents will have to confiscate it.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But we're not flying.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Oh. Better safe than sorry -- that's our motto.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I understand. So you must be pretty serious about this ban on liquids?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes. No liquids of any sort. Or potential liquids.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Potential liquids?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF. Every human being has within their body the potential for creating dangerous fluids. So we're going to have to lay down some hard-and-fast rules: women retaining water will not be allowed to board flights. The same restriction will also be applied to men who've just ingested a large beverage, such as a Big Gulp of some kind. Before boarding, they will be asked to relieve themselves in an airport restroom or a wastebin. Those unfortunate few who have difficulty with this procedure, such as the elderly, will be aided by security. As I understand it, this has already occured a few times in the last twenty-four hours; the process has even been named in my honor, "Shaking hands with Chertoff." I couldn't be more proud.

LOMBAIRE FAN: As anyone would be. Now, how closely did the US government - and Homeland Security in particular - work with the British to uncover this plot?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Very closely. In fact, our involvement was essential, if I do say so myself.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Could you elaborate?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Well, without going into too much detail, we provided leads on one of the suspects, who just happened to be an American citizen living in a British flat. He's a recent convert to Islam, but not of Arab descent. And he's very cleverly disguised himself as a typical Englishman.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I believe you have a photograph.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Yes, LF.



I think you can tell from his face that he's spent an awful lot of time experimenting with explosives. Yet an average person, without an eye trained to spot terrorists, might see him as your typical, twinkly-eyed, song-in-his-heart, Cockney-accented chimney-sweeper. Even with all my years in law enforcement, sometimes the sheer deviousness of men like this "soot bomber" truly astounds me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I think it astounds all of us. Anyway, congratulations on your pivotal role in this successful apprehension. I think all of us rest a little easier knowing that Homeland Security is on top of these incidents.

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Thank you, LF, but I really don't want to minimize the danger. On behalf of my colleagues in the Bush Administration, I'd like to say that all Americans of voting-age should rest easy but not too easy.

LOMBAIRE FAN: That's a useful reminder. By the way, what's that smell?

MICHAEL CHERTOFF: Well, I just flew here and -- do you have any deoderant?