A Contract With Destiny

Sometimes the news seems too good to be true....but it is true: Martha Stewart is taking over The Apprentice! Yes! Pack your bags, Donald Trump, 'cus --- well, I forget the phrase, but you're not coming back next season. And congrats, Martha. I think later on I'll dip a finger in some ink to symbolize this new berth of liberty. And afterwards, I'll wipe it off on a doily made from your instructions!

This is a truly historic announcement, for at least a couple of reasons. One, ex-cons normally have a hard time finding employment, much less getting to star in a major television series. Second, the selection of a female Apprentice host marks a major step toward equality in America's conception of sleazy billionaires. I only hope Martha doesn't compromise her own unique sense of style and class just to conform to audience expectations.



But probably the biggest kudos must go to NBC itself. That 'ol peacock has a heart of gold - and big brass ones too. With this decision, they are stepping into the void left by organizations like the United Way and Boys Town USA. Giving a former inmate a second chance may not be the most commercially profitable avenue a network can take but it's certainly the most compassionate. I can't wait to see the rest of next year's lineup - Fear Factor hosted by Christian Brando?

Here's an address where you can write to NBC and congratulate them on this decision:

National Broadcasting Company, INC.
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112-0002

Also, ask them why they've never aired my pilot. But don't sound too indignant; one nasty letter from a Lomblogiac gives a bad name to all Lomblogiacs.

As for you, Martha.....well, if I weren't banned from the state of West Virginia for badmouthing John Denver, I'd be waiting at the prison gates ready to drive you to Burbank right now.

Until we meet again,

Lombaire Fan

State Of The Union Wrap



LF here, live from the capitol steps, entrance to the world's greatest deliberative body and namesake of that really lame comedy troupe. In just minutes, the president - and myself - will enter the House chambers. This speech tonight is quite a momentous occasion, probably the defining event of the second Bush term, at least until Tehran is bombed. All members of Congress, the cabinet and the Supreme Court are gathered to listen as the president lays out his agenda for the coming year. Yes, all of Congress, including Senator John Kerry, Mr. Bush's erstwhile opponent. Must be difficult for Kerry as he observes this hallowed ceremony, no doubt thinking what might have been....if only he'd run in the Iraqi elections.

Anyway, the president is entering the building now, to enthusiastic applause from both sides. But especially the Republicans - very enthusiastic. As he makes his way down the aisle, you can see him taken aback by the warmth of this reception.


Whoa, Congressman....is that a gun in your pocket or are you rethinking your position on the Marriage Amendment?! Yes, after Sunday, democracy is bursting out all over.

9:02 - The president has begun his address; he's speaking now about "a privilege we share with newly elected leaders" of Afghanistan, the Ukraine and Iraq - hmm, is he hinting he may have been poisoned? I noticed the aging but thought he'd just quit Grecian.

9:05 - Now he's on to the economy - he calls it "healthy and growing", much like the state of the union, which is "confident and strong." Sounds good - I just hope this doesn't turn out like one of those drug scandals.

9:08 - It's at about this point that the president begins to branch out from predictable platitudes to more ambitious platitudes. "Build a better world for our children and grandchildren". Grandchildren? OH MY GOD, the Bush twins are pregnant! What will we tell the abstinent? And what a place to announce it! I bet some guys in Kid Rock's entourage are very nervous right now.

And back to the economy - the country added "2.3 million new jobs" in the last year alone. Granted, most of that is construction work in Iraq but it's something.

9:12 - More vision: "our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims". Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just poll-tested lawyer-bashing?

Ah, the domestic policy section. "Safe, clean nuclear energy" - just like the kind Grandma used to make. "America's immigration system is also outdated" - ain't that the truth. I feel my livelihood is directly threatened by today's technosavvy boat people.

9:16 - On to Social Security reform, a centerpiece of the president's second term. He doesn't want to end the program, he wants to "strengthen and save" SS so it'll be there when Dick Cheney retires from evil. As he explained, "people are living longer.....drawing benefits longer" - unless their reserve unit is called up.

Now he's outlining some reform options: "Limit benefits for wealthy retirees". NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want Larry King eating dog food after his next divorce.

Money will be "protected from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement" - what if I want a swinging retirement? "Extend the choice to young Americans" - what if they invest the money in abortion clinics?


9:35 - Morality now. "So many of my generation have returned to faith" - your generation? I think Kirk Cameron led the way.


Many coded appeals to the religious right - I'll check the transcript later to see which parts are spoken in tongue. On a science tangent now - doesn't want "human embryos....grown for body parts". A slap in the face to the rapidly emerging "third thumb" lobby.

9:45 - Solutions for inner-city youth. "Better options than apathy or jail" - yes, oh yes, OH HELL YES! Bush is going to create a reparations fund for African-Americans but allow everyone to invest a portion in the stock market! No....but it's a major urban initiative. And who will take on "gang life" as part of "a broader outreach to at-risk youth"? Laura Bush, because Martha is busy.

9:48 - More domestic policy. Terrorism, his greatest hits: "train more than a half million first responders". Definitely something the Kerry campaign could've used.

Uncharacteristically praising the UN: "United Nations provided technical assistance" in Iraq. Technical assistance - the part of the awards ceremony that never makes it to prime time.

Utopian-speak but still there are villains: "the terrorist Zarquawi recently declared war on.....democracy". Yes, he wants to be Ohio Secretary of State.

More good news. "Palestinians choosing a new direction" - throwing rocks to the right. He's asking Congress to give the Palestinians 350 million dollars - that should be a boon for their film industry, Palewood.

Hasn't forgotten the Axis of Evil: "we must confront regimes that....harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder". OMG, things have gotten so bad, we can't even find the word "destruction"!

9:52 - He's extolling democracy in the Middle East now. Over the weekend, Iraq "elected 275 men and women". I think he's just pointing that out to make the Democrats jealous.

Now he's introducing an Iraqi human rights activist. Wow...this is so inspiring, I almost wish I could lose my voting rights, gain them after two years of mass bloodshed, and then cast a ballot for one of several hundred Muslim splinter parties. Oh, and learn Arabic.

9:55 - "A small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people" - if only we had that same assurance here.

No plans for withdrawl; setting a timetable would "embolden the terrorists". Yes, I'd hate to see how much damage the car bombers could do if they were trying.

9:57 - In four years, we've "seen the unfolding of large events" - Trump wedding? Now quoting FDR....he must be rolling backwards in his grave.

Here comes the close...."Thank you, and may God bless America".

FINAL GRADE: An A+. Perfect. A boffo performance. You'll believe a pig can fly.

The president's speech is hardly over but already I feel freer than ever.

Lomblog Phase 2

Yes, friends, I have returned - relaxed, refreshed and ready to begin a whole new era of Lomblog greatness. Sure, some will question the appropriateness of this occasion, what with the country at war and Martha Stewart still in prison. But as recent events prove, fate hangs all of us by a thread even more slender than Ashlee Simpson's odds of avoiding a desperation Playboy spread. Therefore, I have chosen to resurrect this great American institution one more time before I completely forget my Blogger password. I think the troops and Martha would want it that way.

As you may have guessed, I underwent something of a religious transformation during my off-time. My workaholic ways, producing nearly one new post every two weeks, left me with little time to stop and smell the things that really mattered. Even my closest friends would describe me as "moody" and "uncommunicative", and not in a way that could be construed as "cool". It was only after a chance encounter with a French missionary at a private screening of Hotel Rwanda that I began to realize what a large dimension of life I had missed out on in my constant reach for fame and acceptance. And after she went home with Don Cheadle, I realized even more the depths of my spiritual deprivation. Ouch....the Lord giveth and He taketh away!


Don't worry, I'm won't be using this space to proselytize; my web-referral stats will tell me all I need to know about the final destination of your soul. But I have changed in at least one respect: no longer will I mix the sacred and the profane with so little respect for either. In fact, I killed a piece on the recent Oscar nominations because it contained this graphic:



As someone Jewish once said, "Never again".

For our longtime readers, I can guarantee you Lomblog will quickly return to the kind of fun, wit and deep insight you've come to expect after months of virtual silence. It all begins tomorrow with our special live coverage of the President's State of the Union address. Yes, the State of the Union - after all this time, I can't wait to find out how the country is doing!

Bless you,

LF

Back Momentarily...

Lomblog will resume regular publication shortly, after this word from a brand-new sponsor:

Healing The Divide

Some of you may be wondering what ol' LF has been up to these last few weeks. It just so happens that I've been putting the finishing touches on a very special project. With so much of the country divided these days between red and blue, church and state, Desperate Housewives and desperately seeking a visa, I felt it was time to reach across this great chasm of ours and say, in the eloquent parlance of Vice President Cheney, "Chasm, go f*%# yourself." Because when you get right down to it, despite our many differences, we are all still Americans....for now.

That's why I'm pleased to announce the launch of a publication that I hope will soon become a meeting ground for the ardently faith-based and the rigorously analytical. Whether your muse is Galilieo or the Gospels, Darwin or Dobson, I think you'll find more than a few Good Words in the pages of this new magazine:




For those cynical among you, this is not a crass attempt to exploit an emerging niche market. It is a sincere, good-faith effort to introduce rationality and progress to the the world of those that believe in the Scriptures as literal fact. My contribution to this first issue - an exclusive interview with singer Pat Boone, in which he discusses his attempts to convince the dying Carl Sagan to renounce the Big Bang Theory - is rather small. But if I have played some small role in cooling the flames of national division.....well, I'll feel like I've done a little bit of God's work myself.

Praise the Lord and pass the petri dish - the spirit is with me!

Yasir, We Hardly Knew Ye

Yesterday, a remarkable individual passed away. As one who has championed the cause of Palestinian statehood ever since it was first explained to me, the loss of Yasir Arafat hit me at gut level. Me and the Big Y may not have agreed on every issue - such as the use of terrorism to advance political aims - but he sure had my respect. A larger than life figure, Arafat's passing leaves a void in the Middle East, which can be filled with just so much death and destruction. But it won't be the same without him.

I think all of us will remember where we were and what we were doing when we first heard the news that Yasir was dead. I was driving to a 2 pm showing of Shark Tale. I felt sad - for Mrs. Arafat and the Palestinian people. As sad as I was that day, I was even sadder the second time I learned of his death, three days later. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing; the second and third Arafat "deaths" have kind of blurred together in my mind. Oh! - I was polishing my new end table. And the third time? Well, I'm pretty sure I just had the tv on in the background and wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. "Ho hum, Arafat's dead again" - no, seriously, if I had been watching, I'm sure I would've been very distraught.

So thank you, Yasir, for your steady leadership in times of change. We may not have always agreed with you, or even known whether you were alive or dead, but we always knew where you stood. And for that, you'll always have an uncontested homeland in our hearts.

Election (Very) Post-Mortem

Your old friend LF here, returning from my five-day post-election bender. Right now I'm feeling as hungover and weathered as Yasir Arafat's head-dress. And let's face it, the chances of either of us being seen on White House grounds again are looking pretty slim. But I did manage to file one more report from the campaign trail Tuesday evening. Of course, it was based on preliminary exit polls that later proved inaccurate, so I've had to make a few minor revisions....

Well, the people have spoken and it appears they've said a resounding no to four more years of President George W. Bush Senator John F. Kerry. Though he campaigned energetically to the end, Bush Kerry wasn't able to overcome the rising tide of voter anger contentment. Americans were in a mood for change, not more of the same, and ready to turn the page on a blind eye toward chronic job losses, out-of-control deficits, chaos in Iraq and the shame not-so-big-deal of Abu Gharib. With all the mechanisms of power at his disposal, Bush Kerry finally couldn't defeat an ironclad rule of all re-election races: results do don't matter.

The outcome was tight and long in doubt, but events at campaign's close likely tipped the balance. When Osama Bin-Laden reappeared on videotape just three days before the election, it highlighted the fact that after four years as president twenty years in the Senate, Bush Kerry had failed to make America safer by capturing the terrorist mastermind responsible for 9-11. Nor had he spelled out a vision for a potential second term presidency beyond more large tax cuts for the wealthy middle class, lawyer - CEO bashing and embracing opposing the religious right's cultural agenda. Instead he waged a campaign of fear: fear of Kerry Bush, fear of terrorism a possible draft and fear of a "flip-flopping" "Massachusetts liberal" "reckless, arrogant" Republican incumbency. Probably the campaign's pivot point was the first debate, where in contrast to Mr. Kerry's Bush's poised, confident performance, Bush Kerry seemed flustered, defensive, reduced to the tedious recitation of a single catchphrase: "It's hard work" "I have a plan". From then on, it was straight downhill.

The election may have turned on negative feelings about Mr. Bush Kerry and concerns about the nation's direction, but with a brand-new old chief executive committed to making a fresh start hell, there are reasons to be cautiously delusionally optimistic. Kerry Bush is, after all, an authentic war hero president who understands undermines the combat experience. During his political career, he's demonstrated a willingness to work with smear politicians from both sides, such as Senator John McCain of Arizona. As a senator president, the environment has always been a high low priority for him. He's committed to advancing opposing scientific research. Having traveled the world since he was a youth fifty-five-year-old, President Kerry Bush can perhaps repair completely destroy our fractured global alliances. Yes, now's the time for all Americans white evangelical Christians and voters earning over $100,000 a year to get behind their leader. Certainly, he will need all the help he can get, as he faces a hostile lapdog Congress and several difficult challenges consonants.

So congratulations, President-Elect Kerry President Bush on your remarkable victory. You truly have a mandate for sweeping change banning gay marriage. As a wise man once said, "Bring it on!" "Mission accomplished!"

Election Night

Well, it's election night in these United States and you can feel the tension in the air. The results are just now trickling in, but here at Lomblog we are absolutely commited to not declaring a winner until all the votes are counted. Which means we should be able to project a victor by March 7, 2006. Still, we come prepared.

If Senator Kerry wins tonight, you'll see a graphic much like this one:




But if President Bush gets four more years, this is what you might see:




More to come...

Breaking My Silence

If you've e-mailed recently, you probably know I've spent most of the past week in seclusion. And even after recovering my apartment keys, I remained in seclusion. You see, some vicious rumors about yours truly have been circulating across the Internet - charges so tawdry and sordid, even I wouldn't forward them. This has been an extremely painful time, not only for myself, but for all members of my family that still speak to me. So let me take this opportunity to once and for all clear the air.

The job of writing America's #4,323-rated public affairs blog on an almost weekly basis is a difficult one. In an effort to beef up my staff, I interviewed, via webcam, a few applicants for the position of Lomblog executive editor. During one of these conversations, I apparently left the cam on before I had completely changed out of my Spider Man pajamas. Because the camera was fuzzy and I happened to be eating a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the same time...well, evidently this constitutes sexual harrassment in certain jurisdictions. Needless to say, I am completely innocent of these vile accusations. I will continue to fight these smears for as long as it takes to clear my name, or until an incriminating screenshot has been posted or broadcast on a major network.

On advice from my attorney, I'm trying to remain mum on specifics. But let me state the following:

• I've never so much as passed a falafel stand, much less used one with impure intent

• If I ever sat on a battery-powered device, it was entirely by mistake

• I've never used my position to curry sexual favors. In fact, the thought never occurred to me until just now

Like any public figure, I am a target. Every week, but especially around the first of the month, I receive letters from people trying to extort money from me. This is the price I pay for speaking out. Luckily, I do have a very loyal fan base. I want to thank all of you for continuing to stand by me, especially those that bought my newest publication, Playa Out: LF's Handbook For Abstinent Teens. Your support has not just moved me, it's made me a better man.

Ok, enough said. Join us next week when Paris Hilton enters the No-Crap-Zone; I'll ask if her parents are happy they raised such a no-talent skank. See you then.

Anyone for some Greek?

Charting the Undecideds

The 2004 campaign has now entered the home stretch. In a little more than two weeks, we will know which candidate has been fraudulently elected president of the United States. But for now, there are still many Americans who have yet to decide whether Bush or Kerry should spend the next four years in the White House or wasting away in a drunken, urine-soaked stupor. In our latest Cheese Or Lose Special Report, we zero in on some of the critical swing voting blocs that could determine this election.

Joining us once again is our resident polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Debate Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent column, Debate Winner: Did The Debates Produce A Winner?, appeared in over 500 newspapers and 200 internets. Here's our discussion of his latest findings.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey Bill, good to see you again.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: Great to be back, LF. It's really getting down to the wire --- or should I say, "down to the wire"?

LF: It certainly is. Tell us about the voters you talked to.

WS: Well, as you know, in every election, there are certain key undecided voting groups that everyone agrees will be decisive - that is, if they decide to decide. In past years, we've had "soccer moms", "NASCAR dads", and "MILFs". Well, the focus groups we assembled to watch Wednesday night's final debate were broken down into representative samples of constituencies that both candidates must woo to be successful. That is, to succeed in winning the election.

LF: And what was your approach to interviewing them?

WS: Well, each member of our groups were given electronic instruments - instruments with a safety margin of plus or minus 100%. Through this, we were able to instantly record, in chart form, voter response to the debate. And as you'll see, each chart contains two lines - one for each candidate. These lines go up; they also go down. Down means the voters didn't like what they were hearing, up means they did. And to avoid any further confusion, we've chosen entirely different colors for both nominees. So the yellow line represents Senator Kerry, while the white lines - as in his party days - belong to the president.

LF: So tell us about the first group.

WS: Well, as you know, LF, health care is a very important issue in this campaign. So we wanted to test the reaction of some would-be voters who are perhaps closest to the American medical system: hospital patients who are currently unconscious and being kept alive via respirator. There are thousands of comatose voters in battleground states across this country who could make all the difference if they awake before Election Day and turn out at the polls. Using a cardiograph, this is the result we captured:




As you can see, not a lot of movement. For all the talk of stem cell research, medical malpractice and the like, these voters just didn't budge. What will it take to engage them? Who knows? We thought we saw a bit of a blip when the president raised his voice and pounded the podium a few times, but alas, nothing. On the other hand, the Kerry campaign will point to this group's constant somnolence as further evidence the Senator is a reassuring figure who doesn't "alarm" voters. So basically a wash. Looks like this is one bloc of undecideds that both campaigns might as well just write off.

LF: Very interesting. Are there any voters who are surprisingly undecided?

WS: Yes, LF - the media. That's right, the media. Many people assume that all journalists secretly carry a partisan axe but in fact, several prominent newsmen have not yet picked a candidate. Take Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. Though he works for a network known for its conservative leanings, O'Reilly professes to be undecided. Moreover, on the day of the final debate, Bill was slapped with a multimillion dollar sexual harrassment lawsuit. So it's safe to say he had a lot on his mind. But with the help of a female Fox News producer who covertly attached a blood-pressure meter to Mr. O'Reilly's person, we were able to catch his response to the debate as it happened:




Lots of up-and-down movement, as you would expect from O'Reilly. As you can see, his interest peaked early on, when President Bush referenced prostitution. Other Bush answers that resonated with O'Reilly included the president's discussion of the so-called "back-door draft" and a mention of Bangor, Maine that the anchorman may have misinterpreted. Kerry's best moment, from the O'Reilly perspective, came when he mentioned Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. But President Bush topped even that by talking about his own college-aged daughters. In fact, just about any mention of "Bush" or "daughters" seemed to play well with the New York-based broadcaster. I think everyone at our polling unit would agree that despite his protestations to the contrary, Bill O'Reilly is definitely leaning in the president's direction - and leaning pretty hard.

LF: What about the gay community? Any undecideds there?

WS: Certainly. At a Seattle tavern, we assembled a group of over 200 uncommitted lesbians - purely for research purposes. How did they react to the debate?




As you can see, very tight race. In fact, neither candidate scored as well as they did in the last debate, when both mentioned timber. If I can offer a little bit of advice to both men, it's that they're going to have to work awfully hard to reach that lesbian vote, if they don't want to go home on Tuesday November 2 feeling the cold slap of rejection.

LF: Lesbians, the comatose, Bill O'Reilly - who could be left?

WS: Well, our next group was arranged just for a bit of fun. In every campaign, there's much discussion of children, families and the American future. So we played the debate for gaggle of toddlers in Des Moines, Iowa. We actually found them less demanding than your typical undecided voter. And their response to the debate was quite sophisticated:




Is it a bunny? A kitten? Some kind of giant mouse? Hard to tell. In fact, that's all that you can say about who's winning this race: it's just too hard to tell.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, the pleasure is mine.

VP Debate: Number 2's Throw Down

If you thought the presidential debate was exciting, then you must have been really riveted by last night's prime-time duel between John "Pretty Boy" Edwards and Dick "Dickie Boy" Cheney. The atmosphere within that Cleveland auditorium was electric. Everyone gathered knew that in a close race like this, even a debate between second-stringers could have.....marginal impact at best. With stakes that high, Cheney and Edwards had clearly left the boxing gloves in an undisclosed location. Just seconds after the handshake and huddle, they got down to some of the nastiest political action Ohio's seen since Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati.

After the first Bush-Kerry debate, much comment was made on the body language of the two candidates. Well, this debate also had some interesting body language, but unfortunately, most of it took place off-camera. Good thing I took notes:




Yes, there was a chill in the air, and not just from Second Lady Lynne Cheney as she eyed me draining my Slurpee. These two guys really don't like each other. The hostility was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, then spend the rest of your life at Guantanamo. Cheney sought to portray Edwards as an inexperienced, undistinguished first-term senator who flip-flops on major issues. Meanwhile, Edwards portrayed Cheney as a dishonest, ultra-conservative corporate criminal whose only saving grace is his Sapphic daughter. How refreshing. Voters who complain about choosing "the lesser of two evils" would have no trouble finding truly great evil on display here.

Not that the two men didn't demonstrate any positive qualities. In contrast to the president, VP Cheney showed an astonishing command of the facts, especially considering that so little of what he said was factual. The North Carolina senator, on the other hand, was a study in all-American telegenic star power, every bit as boyishly charming as in his days playing "John-Boy" on The Waltons. I'm glad he's had the mole taken in a little. The only downside is that Edwards may have seemed a little too young, a little too fresh, maybe coming off as something of a lightweight. Not a problem for Cheney, who once again showed that he is a major Dick. A highly accomplished, very experienced, gravitas-laden, bigtime Dick.

The fact that Cheney and Edwards debated while seated at a table rather than standing behind podiums probably worked to the Republican's advantage as well. Edwards had to have it in the back of his mind that at any moment, Cheney could reach over, rip his heart through his chest and devour it with a plate of lima beans. Of course, the highly disciplined GOPer knew this would have been terribly "off-message", though admittedly very tasty.

Still, there were gaffes. The most notable came when Edwards attacked Cheney for his stewardship of the controversial Halliburton oil company, and Cheney responded by telling viewers to get the "real story" at "factcheck.com"; the actual address is factcheck.org. Oops! I have to confess the Vice-President isn't the only one with a little egg on his face. I guess I wasn't listening closely enough, but I could've sworn the words in question were not "fact check" but well....something kinda similar. Before I learned the truth, I'd already spent several hours paging through sites like this:




I won't lie: I was really befuddled by this mixup. I didn't get it - was the Vice President saying he couldn't have been aware of Halliburton's crimes because he was too busy "chubby-chasing" around the office? This from an administration that promised a "change in tone" from the Clinton years.

Finally, the debate ended up as more or less a draw. Both candidates achieved their goals. Cheney proved he could sit for 90 minutes without keeling over. And Edwards went head-to-head with the most powerful vice-president in history - a feat that certainly qualifies him to take on terrorists with only slightly less personal charm.

Bring on the next debate!

Debate Aftermath

Ye olde devoted reader(s), oh how I've missed you! I'm now back from three days of detainment in Coral Gables, Florida - site of the first presidential debate and by strange coincidence, the latest federally designated disaster area. Since the Bush-Kerry face-off Thursday night, initial impressions have gelled and then hardened - and as you know, it's hard work getting impressions to harden. Who won? Well, I had seats close to the stage, so I was a bit distracted by Mrs. Heinz-Kerry's constant snuff-chewing. But most polling has given Massachusetts' junior senator a discernable "bounce". And for the Kerry campaign, this has to be the biggest break since TBS stopped showing Munsters reruns.

Most experts and many viewers seem to believe the Senator came off more "presidential" than the president. But I believe there was an extra dimension to Mr. Bush's performance - in fact, he was downright "presi-dimensional". Yes, there's probably never been a greater display of presi-dimensia in all of American political history.

How did the president do? Almost from the beginning it seemed like he was on the defensive, displaying the body language of Bambi's mom after hearing the hunters approach:




Still, he wasted no time reminding the audience of his major accomplishment: holding office through a succession of tragedies. Terrorism dominated the discussion; an apt subject matter, given gaps in Bush's 90-second responses large enough to drive a truck bomb through. Let's hope our public transportation is less vulnerable to derailment than the president's train of thought.

The candidates went back and forth on the Iraq war. Kerry argued that the president failed to build a broad international coalition, relying largely on the help of Great Britain and Australia. To which the president interjected: "Actually, you forgot Poland." Now, under the rules, the candidates were not allowed to question each other directly. Too bad, as it would've been interesting to see Kerry ask, "Mr. President, exactly how many Poles does it take to help us in Iraq?" (Answer: thirty to guard the oil in the pipeline, forty to keep the others from huffing it).

I can't wait for the next debate on Friday, and neither can the people of Florida, who are anxious to learn which candidate is a strong, decisive leader that will help reconstruct their porch.

Axis of Easy Listening

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage! How embarrassing. I guess if changing your name, converting to Islam and supporting the Rushdie fatwa doesn't drive away the fans, nothing will.

This shouldn't have come as such as surprise though. A few commentators have noted the irony of hassling a Seventies folk-pop icon while Osama Bin Laden himself continues to ride through the desert on a horse with no name. But in fact, the FBI has been taking a hardline on soft rock for a number of years now, as demonstrated by this internal document recently obtained by Lomblog:




So far, they've busted up some K-Tel Mellow Gold training cells in Southern California, but The Eagles Greatest Hits remains a top-seller. Then there are the new wave of threats posed by artists like John Mayer and Norah Jones. Look for another round of red alerts when the Grammy nominations are announced early next year.

I wish I could say Cat's saga inspired me to start a crusade against the racial profiling of Muslims, but mostly I've just been listening to the audio track of my Harold And Maude DVD.

Unboarding the peace train,
LF

Memo To CBS: Stop The Lies

Now that Rathergate has seemingly run its course, much of the blogger hierarchy is taking a well-deserved victory lap. And we all know what happens when bloggers celebrate - Blockbuster has a run on hentai. But as much as I'd like to join the party, I just can't. Not when CBS continues to mislead the public.

Last night, I caught a few minutes of the travesty the network dubs its "top-rated sitcom":




No, that title is not a forgery; the series is actually called Everybody Loves Raymond. You'd think CBS would know by now not to make such bold claims until all the evidence has been substantiated. But apparently not. I guess the boys in the network brass find fakery acceptable as long as it contains a laugh track.

Once again, we are left with a series of unsettled and unsettling questions. How did the voices of dissent fall through the cracks - specifically, those that like Raymond but find his delivery mildly irritating? Or people without cable who merely tolerate Raymond because the only alternative is football. Did anyone at the Big Eye take the time to interview them? What about the millions unamused by observational comedy about family life? How about viewers that enjoy Raymond, but find the performances of Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle "too schticky"? Until CBS names its sources for Everybody and verifies the claim that they "love" Raymond, I will make this my personal hobby horse even if it results in only a miniscule increase of daily traffic.

Giddy up! Ol' LF is riding this one right into bigtime bloggerville!

Rather Duped

A sad day for American journalism. Tonight, we learned officially that CBS has lived up to its initials. Dan Rather apologized for his 60 Minutes 2 report on the president's National Guard service, admitting that the network can not "verify" documents central to the story. Now personally, I don't see why this is such a big deal. I haven't verified half the things I've posted, and no one's asking me to resign. But of course, the standards are higher for a major network, even one that once depicted Angela Lansbury as a homicide sleuth. Sadly, this scandal means we may never know the truth about President Bush's Guard duty. Did he really use his father's influence to avoid Vietnam and then skip out on his last year of flight training? Oh, wait....we've known that for years. But now we may never have some hard-to-make-out photocopied memorandums proving what we've known all along. A real tragedy.

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me! Your knowledge of 1970s typography is truly astounding...and pretty depressing.

This is just one more example of blogs getting out in front of major news well before the establishment press. Just look at some of the big stories blogs have broken this year:

· Robert K's pugs




· Jeff Milner's new haircut




· p3anut hates her new classes and really likes Chinese food




· And a very special night in the life of Instapundit




What of Rather himself? Well, my sources say the hard-hitting anchorman with the catchy Texas folk sayings is hoppin' mad. Who can blame him? After learning he was duped, he was probably more enraged than a rattlesnake drowning in a drainage ditch. Especially now, when he finds his credibility more tattered than a wasp flappin' its wings against a windshield wiper. And as he contemplates forced retirement, he's probably imagining a scene more liquored-up and tearful than a Tijuana campfire. As for the Republicans, they got to be happier than a coon hound lapping up toilet water. And President Bush? No telling, but I'm guessing he's....relieved like an incumbent realizing the mainstream media will be even more cowed into obedience. It's just like my Aunt Sally used to say, "Damnit, this homily-making is hard!"

100% authentic,

LF

NK's On The Nuclear Block?

Big story over the weekend:

Report: Major Explosion in North Korea

- The Associated Press, September 11, 2004

There are all kinds of reports and there are all kinds of assessments that are going on. Maybe it was a fire of some kind, a forest fire of some kind. But we don't believe at this point that it was a nuclear event.

- Condoleezza Rice, CNN Late Edition, September 12, 2004

Hmmm. A forest fire? Good to know the administration is on top of this one.




Next up,

Lomblog review: Passion Of The Christ on DVD...just in time for Rosh Hashana!

Is Lomblog Biased?

With the conventions over and yours truly no longer in the custody of NYC's finest, a little self-reflection is in order. While winning the traffic wars against more-established competitors like Eat Chicago and of course, sticks and string: a knitting blog, Lomblog is not without critics. In fact, some self-proclaimed media "watchdogs" will go to practically any lengths to disparage my good screen name. Luckily, I have a forum to respond.

But first the charges themselves. The following is an excerpt from the new book, Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire: How Lombaire Fan Slants The News, Distorts, Derides And Drives His Frustrated Readers To Write Angry Screeds With Maddeningly Long Subtitles (Thugnery Publishing; $18.95).

This book is the product of people who've had enough. Time and time again, Lombaire Fan has used his personal website to espouse his personal opinions. It's as if he feels he is somehow exempt from the rules of professional journalism simply because he is not a professional journalist. Now, no one questions Mr. Fan's right to express a dissenting view. What we question is his character, motives and right to express a dissenting view that differs from our own.

It would be one thing if Fan were upfront about his political beliefs. Then we would know not to trust him, and to begin a massive campaign of personal harrassment and intimidation of the chronic liar, his friends and family. But no, this so-called "blogger" is far too cowardly for that. When called upon to justify his demonstrated bias, the only defense offered is that he's "just funnin'" and "it ain't no thing". He's even gone so far as to call himself "a political independent" who votes for "the man, not the party, unless the party includes a rich assortment of gourmet cheese on Wheat Thins". Sorry, Lombaire Fan, you're not fooling anyone; your partisan disregard for the facts is almost as obvious as ours.

And the facts speak for themselves. Mr. Fan may occasionally call his blog "the no-crap zone", but a careful review of more than five posts he's published since last April show that 93% are composed of "crap" and another 7% "a squishy substance that resembles crap but can only stink worse because it comes out of Lombaire Fan". Over the next 3,321 pages, we will provide more statistics that bolster our case. And in the 2,829 pages after that, we will belabor the point further.

We can only hope that this publication will be a small step toward creating a media sphere where the likes of Lombaire Fan are no longer viable public voices with good credit.

I've been advised by my lawyers to say as little about this as possible. You know - loose lips sink blogs and all that. But suffice to say, all the mentions of "Lombaire Fan", "Lomblog" and "gourmet cheese" are violations of my intellectual property rights. As for the rest of it....well, if the writers of this libel think they're so hot, why don't they get their own blog and let's see it beat sticks and string!

By the way, none of the people responsible for this book have responded to my offer of a duel. Cowards.

Final Night Diary

Whew, what a week. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, trying to digest it all. Which would be a lot easier if I hadn't swallowed the worm at Sen. Rick Santorum's Bash For The Unborn all-night mixer. I know if Santorum had his way, this country would be a cloistered theocracy, but I must admit, the dude parties like it's 1959!

For the past four days, this whole city was infected with a Republican fever that is just now beginning to break. Watching late-night tv, one got a sense of just how welcoming New Yorkers can be: all the porn stars on local cable access were wearing elephant pins on their persons! At least, I think those were elephant pins.

Anyway, while I was on the floor during last night's pandemonium, I took a lot of notes. I've assembled them now for this very special LF Convention Diary:

9:30 PM - Well, the excitement is building as we prepare for the moment every delegate has been waiting for: Zell Miller biting the head off a live bat. No, no, we're waiting for the president's speech. And as in Boston, this place is packed with stars. Look, there's Bo Derek! And Wayne Newton! And Bo Derek again! And one of the Oak Ridge Boys! And the fat Baldwin brother! Seriously, there's so much glitz and glamour here, I feel like I've walked onto a 1982 episode of The John Davidson Show.

9:45 PM - Of course, some have wondered why the convention was held here in New York. Really, I think the selection made perfect sense. When most people think of New York, they think of Broadway, Woody Allen, carriage rides in Central Park....and Republicans. Yes, NYC and conservative politics just go together, like, well...Jerry Falwell and hordes of militant gay activists. Or neo-con Israeli hawks and the Nation of Islam. Or Washington-based libertarian think tanks and huge, public-sector-based unions. Yep, I can't think of any other city that would be more supportive of a Republican convention, except possibly San Francisco or Najaf.

For many attending the convention, this is their first visit to the Big Apple. And what wonderful memories they'll take home. Montana's delegation saw the Statue of Liberty; Nebraska took in a Broadway play; and Delaware shared a needle with a bald bisexual graffiti artist who lives in a small corner of Macy's. Yes, these are experiences they won't soon forget, especially when they wake up tomorrow morning with a tattoo that says PROPERTY OF BIG DONNIE.

9:59 PM - Now we're in the middle of a documentary retrospective on the Bush presidency. The 9-11 attacks are heavily featured. Very bittersweet for these Republicans, thinking back to a time when 3,000 Americans died, and the president's approval rating soared. I'm sure everyone in this building remembers where they were and what they were doing when that second Gallup poll hit the airwaves.

10:03 PM - The president has just arrived on stage and, wow, what a reaction. I thought these people were mostly BS'ing, but apparently, they really do want to re-elect him. The emotions are unreal, much like the promises. The woman next to me is crying her eyes out, and I don't even see Gov. Schwarzenegger standing anywhere near us. A Fox News correspondent just had an orgasm - I'm guessing, for the very first time. A man in the Pennsylvania delegation sacrificed a newborn calf in supplication. The whole place is chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" - now I know this has to be a gag. George W. Bush, you've been POTUS'ed!

10:14 PM - Uh oh. I feel a disruption coming on. Something's stirring in the crowd. Oh yes...if you're watching this on the networks, you probably don't know what's happening but you soon will. OMG, can you believe this?! With all the tight security!

Former Vice President Gore has just streaked the convention!



This is definitely going on the highlight reel! And I don't want to get too graphic here, but...NO RECOUNT NECESSARY! Gore's really trying to undercut the message that Democrats are "soft".

Prez looks a little rattled at first but seems to have recovered. Down in Texas, we call that "using a teleprompter".

10:45 PM - He's really on a roll now. Lot of terror talk but quite an ambitious domestic agenda too. Education, housing, and a prescription drug benefit for political parties that suffer from schizophrenia. Not sure where the money's going to come from...probably estate auction of the next Iraqi president.

11:11 PM - I think he's winding down now. At least I hope. I guess if you speak concisely, the terrorists will have won.

11:16 PM - Here come the balloons! And all the RNC speakers are up on stage - except for the Bush twins and Zell Miller, who've been dispatched to check out Hurricane Frances. The convention is over, and I loved every minute of it! Every hateful, brazenly hypocritical minute of it! If another Bush term doesn't see the Western world destroyed in a holy war conflagration with the Middle East, I have a feeling I'm going to love 2008 just as much.

Good times. New Yorkers are indeed a resilient lot. Three years ago, they survived the worst terror attack in our nation's history. And this week, they survived a Republican convention.

NYC, the occupation has ended! Freedom is yours! Get well soon!

More From NY: Night Of The Living Dick




LF here - attending the Republican National Convention so you don't have to. Closing night has arrived; we are just hours away from hearing the president of the United States present his plans for the next four years. Not only are Americans inside and outside the Garden on the edge of their seats with anticipation, millions of people in North Korea, Iran and Syria have already assumed a crouching position.

Whatever happens tonight, the president had quite a warm-up act on Wednesday. Easily the emotional high point of the convention thus far was the keynote address by Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat - yes, a Democrat for Bush! It was in this very arena that Miller gave the keynote at Bill Clinton's first convention in 1992, but he's become disillusioned with his party over the last twelve years, in which they've moved to the left to get away from him. Miller is known as a fiesty orator, and the minute he took the podium, it was clear the insanity level would be raised from Moderate to Severe. His voice dripping with contempt for everyone he's traditionally been associated with, the Democrat-turned-Democrat-in-name-only gave the kind of rip-roaring, sock-it-to-'em, stick-it-to-the-man stemwinder that hasn't been heard on a national stage since the Confederacy was defeated. Among the crowd, Miller whipped up a nationalistic fervor so intense, ABC's Peter Jennings used the 20 minutes he was off-air to renew his Canadian citizenship. He may be confused about which party he belongs to, but on one point, the Southerner was certain: George W. Bush is the only candidate for president who can stand up to our #1 menace.....anti-war demonstrators. Oh, and Al Qaeda.

Will Miller's aggressive tone turn off the swing voters? I don't know. He certainly fired up the delegates. I know many journalists referred to the speech as a "barn-burner" but that really understates it. From my vantage point on the floor, I felt like I was hearing a real old-fashioned church-burner! Of course, Zell's fellow Democrats aren't happy. But then, Miller hasn't left the party; the party left him...and might be well-advised to file a restraining order.




After the Georgia dynamo, Vice President Cheney's speech was as anti-climactic as Bob Dole without Viagra. But it did have its moments:

In Iraq , we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein . Seventeen months ago, he controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail.

When I first heard this, I missed the reference to Hussein and assumed he was referring to a former colleague at Halliburton.

Keepin' it real on the ultra-conservative tip,

LF

RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.