9-11 Report

On Thursday, the National Commission On Terrorist Attacks Upon The United States (boy, is that a mouthful) issued its highly-anticipated 9-11 report. Though hardly conventional summer beach fare, it's certainly a page-turner and therefore the perfect candidate to commence LF's Book Club, a regular feature that I hope will do for literacy what my previous efforts have done to harm it. However, I can't say I enjoyed this volume as much as I had hoped.

Maybe my expectations were too high but when I see a book has ten authors and took nearly two years to complete, I guess I expect something a little tighter than a dense, disjointed 588 pages. To quote Richard Clarke, "Your government failed you" - and evidently, Creative Writing 101. As suspense, it lacks the professional craftsmanship of a Robert Ludlum or Tom Clancy and can't even compensate with a startling plot twist like the Warren Commission's "single-bullet" theory. What we're treated to instead is a tedious compendium of missed opportunities, tragic bumbling, and bureaucratic stasis. So the government can't catch the terrorists...tell us something we don't know! At least spice things up a bit with a few "Deep Throat"-style mystery characters, or maybe a chapter entitled, "You're So Vain, You Probably Think Your Negligence Was Personally Responsible For The Mushrooming of Al Queda."

Another flaw is the lack of a believable and sympathetic protagonist. Take a character that pops up about midway through the report, "President Bush." Does anyone really see this guy as Leader of the Free World? For much of his time in print, he doesn't even seem interested in the many nefarious terrorist plots being hatched around him. Then the attacks happen and presto! - he's magically transformed into a macho action hero fighting "the evil-doers"? Jack Ryan he ain't (and I don't mean the former Senate candidate that wanted to bang Seven-Of Nine in public). Guys, it's called character development - look into it.

What about the villains? Well, "Osama Bin Laden," with his riches and eccentric lifestyle, is certainly a classic baddie in the mold of Blofeld from the James Bond series. So why, for heaven's sake, is he allowed to repeatedly disappear from the main storyline??!! On one page, we read that "Bush" will capture OBL "dead or alive", but then several chapters pass with hardly any new "Bin Laden" action at all. Did the authors get lazy? Instead of fleshing out details on this fascinating 6'5" Arabian who travels from cave to cave, we're treated to a tiresome stand-off with a tinhorn Iraqi dictator that I'm almost certain is a rehash of something I read in the early Nineties. That, I'm afraid, is the essence of lazy writing. And don't get me started on the "Recommendations" section - if I wanted a how-to book, I'd buy Bob Vila.

By the end, with so many loose ends left to dangle, I get the sense the authors intend to spin this "War On Terror" thing into an indefinite series. Well, pardon me, 9-11 Commission, if I check out while you cash in. This is the last government report I share a sandy evening sunset with.

Lomblog Super-Summer Resumes

LF back again - didja miss me? Of course you did. In case you were wondering, I've just spent a few relaxing days apartment-sitting for Miss Courtney Love. We've been friends since my days as toastmaster du jour of the Seattle rock scene. Anyway, like everything with Courtney, this came up semi-unexpectedly, so I regret not being able to round up some guest bloggers in advance of this latest mini-vacation. But for those that think we're slowing down...in the words of Bachman Turner Overbite, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

Yes, we're just about to kick things into high gear. Tomorrow, I'll be bringing you my review of the newly-published 9-11 Commission Report (I can't wait to find out "whodunnit"). And next week begins our coverage of the Democratic National Convention. I'm really excited about this; this will be the first national convention I've covered that didn't primarily consist of people dressed up as Klingons. After that, the Olympics. Not sure I see a story there, but if it turns out there's a dark and hidden underbelly to professional athletics, you can bet I'll be the guy to find it. Finally, things come full circle early September with the Republican convention in NYC. It's an opportunity for all Americans to reflect upon the last three years and how much we've changed since the tragedy was first exploited. I can't wait.

Hoping your summer is as exciting as mine,

LF

Lomblog And Race

I don't publicly respond to reader e-mails very often, or even read them, but I recently received a message too sensitive and important for even me to ignore. It involves the issue of race. The e-mail comes from an African-American Lomblog visitor who calls himself "Concerned":

Dear LF,

Is it just me or is your site a little lacking in diversity? It seems like the only black in Lomblog is in the color scheme of your template. The discussion of issues involving racial minorities is always in the most superficial manner possible, though to be fair, this isn't different from your discussion of most topics. I'm certainly not accusing you of racism but it seems like Lomblog and Lombaire Fan orbit an ultra-privileged, lily-white netherworld where blacks and browns don't exist - except, quite literally, as cartoons. Have you considered taking any steps to make your site more welcoming and relevant to non-whites?

Concerned

First, let me just say this is exactly the kind of constructive criticism I appreciate. In fact, if I received more e-mails like this from my readers, I wouldn't have so many of you on block.

But in response - where to begin. "An ultra-privileged, lily-white netherworld" - oh, how I wish! Honestly, I am very in tune with the black community, enough that I don't feel the need to flaunt this connection like, say, the editors of Vibe. I know the first defense any white person accused of insensitivity resorts to is that old "some of my best friends..." bit, but truly, some of my best friends - as of this writing - are black. So your concerns, Concerned, are completely unfounded in my case, though in general, very well-founded.

If it seems I inhabit a world where African-Americans and Hispanics don't exist...well, this is called "the Internet." Sadly, there are probably more Americans of the Hobbit persuasion blogging on a regular basis than prominent minorities. Until the digital divide is bridged, I would personally favor an affirmative action program for bloggers who come from historically disadvantaged groups (but please, no special favors for people whose #1 disadvantage is "being targeted by the Borg"). Of course, such a proposal is not without controversy; no doubt there would be angry cries of "reverse discrimination" from the hordes of socially inept, acne-ridden, pajama-clad malcontents that make up roughly 80-90% of the blog-publishing world. For now, I will never hesitate to speak out on minority issues that I have at least a half-understanding of. But I think you would agree there are numerous others offline who can (and do) write about black America far more incisively than I, whether it's Toni Morrison, Michael Eric Dyson, or Abigail Van Buren.

Thanks again for your e-mail, Concerned. It's rare to see this kind of frank exchange on race anywhere in society today. I'm very proud if my oversight of your community is what helped make it possible.

It's A Bad Thing



July 16, 2004 will forever be known as the day the American judicial system jumped the shark. Like a stylishly modern-day Joan of Arc, Martha Stewart has been burned at the stake, with little more than courtroom sketch artists and news agency photogs on-hand to record the tragedy. Five months in jail - for what? Lying to investigators or introducing style and elegance to Kmart? I'm proud to say I did everything humanly possible to stop this travesty, but I am but one man with one copier. Despite my best efforts, the wheels of justice have rolled over Martha like an off-road minivan on a busy suburban thoroughfare. Maybe this is part of the Feds' top-secret plan to redecorate Camp X-Ray but that strikes me as unlikely. Not that there's any doubt of Martha's willingness to sacrifice for her country.

Only a few brave commentators, in addition to myself, have acknowledged what really happened here: MS was tried and convicted for the crime of being "too perfect." The jury box is now where the envious go to get their vengeance. And what's next - Katie Couric hung in the public square? Oprah and Steadman as the next Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? Nicole Kidman or Charlize Theron branded with a scarlet "TP"? Trust me, this is not a new lament; I've seen the success ladder from both ends and that ol' green demon has never reared its head out of me, except possibly in the case of Adam Ant. If someone is successful, I just assume they're my intellectual, creative and moral superior. If not...then something would have to be pretty screwed-up about this society of ours, wouldn't it?

I'm not saying Martha Stewart, to pick one example, shouldn't go to jail just because she's famous. What I'm saying is, the burden of proof has to be much higher when you're sentencing someone with a longterm syndication contract. Those who think there are no real-life repercussions to Martha's loss of freedom should check some Middle American flower beds in a couple of months. Soon we will know what it was like just after the fall of the Weimar Republic.

Of course, not all hope is lost. Martha's golden tresses will again be touched by the sunlight of liberty someday. That day may be even sooner than we think, if any fan finds her recipe for Coconut Almond With A Dash Of Metal File. Until then, even those who didn't follow her stock advice are poorer for her absence.

Our Three Month Anniversary!

Can you believe it? We've passed the big 3.0! When I first started posting, I never dreamed that Lomblog would achieve what it has so far. My only goals back then were to entertain my friends, get listed in a few search engines, and maybe hook up with one of Professor Juan Cole's "sloppy seconds." Little did I know that we would create a dedicated army of "Lomblogies", many of whom are now pondering runs for Congress and/or moving out of the garage. I couldn't have done it without you. Well, I could, but it would've been much harder.

So how shall we celebrate this milestone? Well, you could always drop some coin into the Lomblog piggy bank. Or contribute to my favorite charity. Or buy something from my wish list. Just know that your support means a lot to me. It's been a great balm knowing I have a group of fans loyal enough to stick with me through ups, downs, and the inevitable revelations of my bizarre lovelife and massive drug use. With any luck, we'll be hitting the sixth month mark any day now!

Many happy return visits,

LF

Facing Down My Foes

You may have noticed I've kept a relatively low profile lately - blogging less and attending far fewer star-studded Hollywood premieres. No, I don't have mono; I'm being stalked. Online, but just to be safe, I've also stopped sampling cheeses in the supermarket. And why? Yet another attempt to intimidate me from expressing my views.

If anyone wants to see how low the public discourse has sunk since I first started this blog, just take a look at this:



Yes, this is the web banner for a new blog (which I refuse to link to, for obvious reasons) entirely devoted to attacking me. Isn't that sick? Of all the people on the 'Net whose words deserve obsessive focus, it's no false modesty to say I probably rank somewhere between Andrew Sullivan and the writers of "furrie" porn. If that isn't redundant. And the worst part is I'm pretty sure the creator(s) of this site is someone(s) I've never even met! What kind of disturbed individual does that - publish an entire hate-site because you disagree with a writer's politics, rather than to air a petty personal grievance? It's this kind of social pathology that makes me glad there are still so many barriers to more widespread web access.

As for the charge that I tell "lies", well, this is obviously someone who hasn't checked the site in a while. Sure, we're not one of those hyped-up corporate-funded blogs with a Lexis/Nexis subscription and a fact-checker, but we do our best. The innocent mistakes of our early days - like referring to UN chief Kofi Annan as "that black guy from The Electic Company" - are long-gone. And when did I ever write that I "hate America"? The only time I can ever remember those words coming out of my mouth were a few years ago when I was introducing Frankie Munoz at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards. Like many others, 9-11 changed me. Since that day, I haven't donated a cent to the PLO. Not to mention, I changed my ringtone from "It's Raining Men" to "American Pie." Accuse me of anything you want, but never let it be said that I lack sensitivity.

I suppose I should wear this opposition as a badge of honor, instead of cowering in my apartment and making inquiries about dual citizenship. But does the American sensible center that has claimed me as primary spokesman really need its first virtual martyr? I think not. From now on, I will be blogging mostly from an undisclosed location. However, I will still be available for college speaking engagements.

Interview With Tom Ridge

Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.



LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?

TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.

LF: And why is that?

TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.

LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?

TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.

LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?

TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.

LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?

TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.

LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?

TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.

LF: And a male delegate?

TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.

LF: What about the Republican convention?

TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.

LF: What about Election Day itself?

TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.

LF: What's that?

TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.

LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?

TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Ticket

It's official now: John Kerry has chosen John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I guess a lot of us saw this coming; the way they would giggle and pass notes to each other during the recent primary debates gave it all away. Our sources say the decision was finally sealed on Thursday, when Kerry appeared on the Senate floor and sent this word to Edwards through his aides: "John, would you like to be my vice president? If yes, fly to Boston on Sunday and raise thousands of dollars for me." Now, the die is cast, and the Democrats haven't seen this much excitement since the Clintons went to counseling.

But the drama kept us guessing right to the very end. When the Kerry campaign announced on Friday that it would reveal the VP choice through an e-mail, many of us hardened political scribes decided to camp out in front of the computer until we had a definitive answer. After several Pepsi-soaked hours, the message had still not arrived, but I pieced together all the available clues that had accumulated in my inbox overnight and made what turned out to be slightly erroneous call:



It just seemed to make too much sense. I read that Kerry had ordered up new decals in honor of his future running mate; what other selection could possibly inspire the normally stolid Massachusetts senator to experiment with body art? I was also aware the Kerry team made all applicants undergo a rigorous background check. What better contrast with the secretive Bush administration than to release the results in a streaming video available to anyone willing to share their credit card details? Certainly, "Dick" Cheney would never do that.

But the biggest clue? When I received an e-mail asking how much I would give for "a little something extra to make your woman happy", I just assumed the Kerry people had stumbled upon a whole new fundraising strategy, and who else could drive the point home with real credibility? My bad...next time, I am definitely going to check the headers. Anyway, at least I saw through all that Paris Hilton business; post 9-11, no way would Kerry pick a blonde.

Or maybe I was right all along. Perhaps Lee was the choice but he took offense at being part of a "short list." Or perhaps Kerry was afraid of being overshadowed. But that's water under the bridge. All I can say now is:

Kerry/Edwards '04/Edwards/Lee '12!

Happy Fourth Of July!



LombaireFan is away this weekend, celebrating the holiday with his parents at the Veterans of Foreign Film Studies retirement lodge in Madison, Wisconsin. But he will return shortly with exciting stories like these:

"Online Dating Tips: When's The Best Time To Reveal Your True Gender?"

"Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Rock Songs Mislabeled on Kazaa"

"Bangkok Blues: The Outsourcing of Illicit Sex"

"Exciting Scientific Discoveries With No Practical Benefit"

Until then, enjoy the illegal fireworks!

A Response To My Critics

It may surprise you, but Lomblog is not the be-all and end-all of my writing talent. As previously mentioned, I also have a burgeoning career as a freelance magazine contributor. While the bulk of my writings have been received with hearty acclaim, not all have escaped the harsh light of nitpicking online critics. The general charge is that I am an ideological chameleon, and that my writing is a triumph of style over substance - if that. I wish to respond to these claims, but let me first present the so-called "evidence."

The following is my original review of Fahrenheit 9-11, which was published and then retracted by The Nation:

Masterpiece. There is simply no other word for this incredible motion picture. If you're not watching it right now, you should be. If you're reading this and you haven't seen the film yet, drop what you're doing and speed to the nearest theater. If no theaters in your area are showing it, picket them. If your local theater has the film but they're closed for the night, blowtorch your way in and demand they run the projector.

If you see only one film this year, make it Fahrenheit 9-11. If you see only two films this year, make it Fahrenheit and some art-house crap about Aborigines. Everyone in America should see this film - yes, ignore the "R" rating arbitrarily slapped on by the fascists of the MPAA board and take the children. If they recoil, cut their allowance and ask them what Shrek or Spiderman are doing to end the war in Iraq.

There can be little doubt that this movie will devastate George Bush's re-election campaign, especially among Republicans and Independents who walk in by mistake. In the showing I attended, the air was so thick with the promise of overthrow I almost mistook the popcorn dust for teargas. I haven't felt this much hope for the future since the Sixties, or the cancellation of Dr. Laura's TV show. Michael Moore is simply the only American filmmaker today whose work comes close to compensating for the large-scale crimes against humanity perpetrated by people of his race and gender.

A few days later, I wrote another essay on the film for National Review:

Fahrenheit 9-11? More like Fat 'N' Height/Weight Not Proportionate. Let's face it: Michael Moore has no right to speak out on public issues as long as he refuses to disavow his own obesity. To not do so is as irresponsible as the editors of this esteemed publication printing my review before I've sobered up, showered and left some cab fare on the dresser. Every bit of this propagandistic swill is simply more aid-and-comfort to the Islamo-Fascists and their amen corner in Congress, the Democratic party and the gospel recording industry. Why I can just picture Moore - the burly, stubble-flecked minstrel of the radical Left - prancing up and down in blackface, singing "Can I Get A Witness?" at the trial of Saddam Hussein. Or perhaps I need more time to dry out.

No matter. The salient point remains: Moore is overweight. And unlike Rush Limbaugh, he lacks even the self-awareness necessary to get addicted to prescription painkillers. Every frame of this loathsome, squalid, risible, altogether ooky partisan tripe is slanted against the president. He implies that the Chief Executive of the world's most powerful democracy doesn't take his job seriously by featuring footage of Mr. Bush joking on the golf course after a anti-terror statement. What a double standard - not to mention double chin; everyone knows if Clinton had done this, it would've been hailed as charming, and if Lincoln had been similarly filmed, he would've been commended for his time travel skills. He criticizes the president for continuing to read to children in a pre-arranged photo op seven minutes after being informed of the 9/11 attacks. What would he have the president do - bust out of the classroom like an action star and say, "I'm sorry, I have to leave now, I've just been informed the country's under attack"? Maybe he-man antics of that sort would satisfy Moore and his Hollywood buddies but I'm glad the president showed some calm under pressure. And one has to ask, what does Michael Moore hate Moore (sic) - America, or our children's literacy? If the president can be faulted for anything, it's for reading "My Pet Goat" instead of George Orwell, but a slovenly, faux populist rube like Moore probably thinks Orwell is the old guy that makes that delicious buttered popcorn.

Concern for the troops? Moore wouldn't know concern for the troops if it bit him in his overripe posterior and then promptly died of lard poisoning. But I hope I haven't obscured my point with personal attacks. I simply can not sit back and allow someone to steal the spotlight from me with lies. The widespread deification of Moore is even more deplorable than that of Mother Teresa (as uncovered in my first book, The Publicity Whore of Calcutta) and Dr. Seuss (as exposed in my second, Horton Hears A Lie). I will have even more to say on this topic in my next volume, Letters To A Young Asshole.

Have I mentioned Moore's fat?

(Photo of author withheld by request)

To my critics: haven't you ever heard of nuance? Isn't it possible to have a slightly different opinion of something - say, a politically charged documentary - over time than you did initially? Is my thinking not allowed to evolve over years, months, even days? You also have a little something to learn about the magazine business: I can't write the same article for every publication I submit my pieces to. I have to carefully tailor my work to the specifications of each journal's audience. I would never think of writing the same words for Reader's Digest as I would for Spunk World (and wait 'till you see the review I've written for them!).

For the record, I still haven't seen Fahrenheit. The guy I paid a buck-fifty to camcord it hasn't turned up on Kazaa yet.

Happy Handover!

Sometimes the anticipation of sovereignty is greater than sovereignty itself but I can't help but feel that even the most hardened of Iraqi bah-humbuggers were delighted by yesterday morning's surprise handover. Is there anything better than getting to open your presents two whole days in advance??! I don't think so. And just like on X-Mas, Santa - or in this case, Paul Bremer - flew under the radar and skipped out of town before the elves could stage another insurgency. I'm also glad to see George W. Bush playing to his strengths for once. Whatever else you say about him, he certainly knows how to seize power.

And what a thoughtful gift this was too. Sure, the Iraqis may have asked for something else, like food or electricity, but I have a feeling they're really going to appreciate this one day. I don't believe we're gonna come back to the neighborhood in a few years only to find that shiny new interim government we personally selected is lying in the middle of the street with a couple of pieces missing...ok, that's really where the Christmas analogies should end, I think.

For those of you critics that think my attitude toward the Iraqis is a bit condescending, I suppose you're going to say this souvenir t-shirt I've created is condescending too:



Oh, who's an adorable experiment in Middle-Eastern self-rule? You are! You are! Oh yes, you are!

Of course, this is only the first step. We won't really know that a new way of life has taken hold in Iraq until the torture chambers and labor camps are shut down and reopened under the name "Wal-Mart."

LF Returns

Greetings! Yes, I am back - tan, rested and ready to reclaim my spot in the Blogger hierarchy. But first I want to thank the people who guest-blogged while I was away: Ganesh Parthak, Frank Jacks(RIP), and Týler Wye. You all did a terrific job. And judging from the mail, you have a lot of fans out there, even among those who wrote that the site without me was "just a shadow." It's nice to know that if I decided to take another long vacation - say, in late July and again in early September - the blog would still function adequately, if not spectacularly. It bodes well for the future of both Lomblog and my backhand.

Before I departed, I made casual reference to an article I was working on that promised to "blow the lid off" the Bush Administration and sundry other national institutions. Since then, for the first time in my career, I've received countless threats of bodily harm from people I'm not personally acquainted with. Clearly, some of the higher-ups are a little antsy about the truth being revealed by someone who can't be discredited as a left-wing loon or fat. They want to keep the country in the dark while their big, rich "oil baron" friends plunder us dry, twirl their handlebar mustaches and chew on comically oversize cigars. I, for one, am not going to sit back and let it happen. I won't be intimidated by the malignant forces that form the so-called "powers that be." That's why I'm soliciting funds for another trip - this time to the Virgin Islands - in hopes of uncovering more dark secrets that will stun any American who doesn't read much. Follow this link for instructions on how to contribute.

Meanwhile, I will continue to provide my readers with my patented brand of film criticism-cum-social comment. In fact, very soon, I will examine claims of inaccuracy and politically-motivated hyperbole in this weekend's most talked-about new release...White Chicks.



It's great to be back!

On The Beat

With today's special guest blogger, Gathering Moss music editor Týler Wye

In the immortal words of Spinal Tap, "Hello Cleveland!" - and Lomblog readers. What a thrill to promote the magazine in this exciting new interactive forum. You may know me from my frequent appearances on VH-1's I Love The '80s, I Love The '90s and the upcoming I Love The '00s, Except for 9-11-01, Which Was Really Sad. I've also written a no-holds-barred, unauthorized exposé of Eminem that will be published shortly, pending approval by Em and his attorneys. But what I'm really excited about is Gathering Moss.

Those of you who haven't read GM yet should know we're a different kind of rock magazine. While other music publications like to focus on youth culture, the Moss highlights the best of rock's past, present and future. In the first five issues alone, we've broken the news of Buddy Holly's plane crash, Jim Morrison's arrest for public indecency and this crazy "punk" thing that's just starting up in England. Each issue is like stepping into a rock 'n' roll time machine and pushing the wayback button to where you once belonged. Check out the exciting pieces we've lined up for this month's issue: "The Secret Story of Kurt Cobain's Greatest Unreleased Unrecorded Unwritten Song", "Exile On Main Street: A Track-By-Track Analysis", "Keith Richards' Arm: A Track-By-Track Analysis" and "Pete Townsend: Hope I Die Before They Subpoena My Credit Card Records." And if you subscribe, every issue will arrive with a free compact disc containing songs specially selected by the editors, like "Stairway To Heaven", "Hotel California", "Free Bird" and tons other rare tracks you won't find anywhere else in your mailbox.

I wish I had time to contribute more, but I have to file a report on Monterey Pop - this Janis Joplin is rockin' the hizzouse!

Peace,
TW

In Memoriam

On Monday Lomblog introduced you to the comedy stylings of Frank Jacks, an innovative stand-up who has been favorably compared to both Lenny Bruce and Bruce Vilanch. Sadly, those visiting the site since then were logging on to what was ultimately one of Jacks' last performances.

Last night, Frank appeared at Chuckleni's, a New Jersey nightclub believed to be one of the last significant outposts of Mob influence in the Northeast. In a blistering 3-hour set, Frank discussed possible Mafia involvement in the Kennedy assassination, the Hoffa disappearance and the axing of John Stevens from "American Idol." After the show, according to witnesses, he was met in the parking lot by three unidentified men in dark clothing clutching lead instruments. The exact circumstances of his murder/suicide are still murky, but his last words are believed to have been, "Who's about to kill me - Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano's car pool?"

Frank Jacks, comic genius - now he belongs to the ages.

The search for guest bloggers continues...

S.O.
Assistant to Mr. Fan

On The Edge

With today's special guest blogger, outlaw comic Frank Jacks

Hey. Nice site. But who picked this template - Dick Speck's art teacher? Heh heh. No, I'm kidding. Great little blog here. Let's just hope John Ashcroft doesn't find out about it.

So how is everyone tonight? Oh, that's right - you can't respond. Well, I've had worse crowds. In Smyrna, Georgia for instance. Talk about bad crowds. I looked out at a sea of mullets and said, Who books this place - Jack Ruby's personal trainer? Heh heh. Can you believe that no one got that? I'm just lucky I got out of there without being lynched.

Watch CNN a lot when I'm on the road. Pretty depressing. So much happening, what with the war and the soldiers and Al Queda, and Bush not being able to pronounce things. I look at it all and I sometimes think there's an invisible man at the end of the galaxy writing a script that all of us are following unconsciously. And I just throw up my hands and say, Who came up with this s***? - Genghis Khan's yoga instructor? Whoever that invisible man is, I just hope he isn't hired out by Microsoft and the KKK.

Relationships are trouble too. Dated a Vietnamese girl recently. Bit difficult, because of the language barrier. First time I saw her apartment, I said, Who picked these curtains - Chiang Kai Chek's home ec teacher? She just kind of stared at me blankly and asked to be returned to her family. Oh well. I just hope I don't get reported to Amnesty International.

Thanks a lot. You've been a great reader. Enjoy the rest of the blog and watch out for stray bullets from the grassy knoll.

F. Jacks

Bollywood Lives

By today's special guest blogger, Hooray For Bollywood gossip columnist Ganesh Parthak



Greetings! Today's edition of Hooray For Bollywood is brought to you by New India Air. New India Air - where everyone flies first caste.

So what's buzzin' in Bollywood this week? Besides our nuclear reactors, the story generating the most heat is the marriage of actress/singer/superstar Janaknandini Novandi ("J-No") to Hindu music hearthrob Tushar Shamir. You know, Janaknandini has been married so many times now, she might as well travel with a sacred fire. But seriously, who can blame her for giving the holy union another shot? Her first marriage was arranged, and ended when her beloved "found the spirit" in a yak; her second spoilt by the pressures of sudden fame, like so many relationships where the wife earns greater karma than the husband. So let's just hope this marriage of two multi-talented Brahmins is the one that lasts several lifetimes. While the happy couple honeymoons in the Himalayas, HFB says, Don't do anything I wouldn't do - and if you do, name it after the Great God of Righteous Devotion!

Tongues are also wagging over the news that Mohan Bhatti, handsome star of the popular soap The Bold and the Heretical, has just outed himself as an untouchable. Of course, rumours to this effect have been circulating for years. But most Bolly journalists were respectful enough not to trawl through trash in the Mohan family village. Mohan himself says he didn't make this announcement to head off the tabloids but to be an example for other untouchables in the entertainment industry. Bhatti also states that he is not looking to exploit this area of his private life. "I don't want to be thought of as an 'untouchable actor' but as an actor who happens to be untouchable," Mohan tells The Daily Vishnu. For all the controversy, make no mistake: Mohan Bhatti is still one of the most eligible bachelors in Bollywood, if you're willing to be disowned by your family.

Quick Cuts: Everyone's favorite funnymen, Bhagwan Ghosh and Omar Debnath, have reunited for another buddy comedy. This time they go undercover at a Calcutta leper colony in All Hands Off Daki...Who was that mystery man with Lakshmi Guta last night at the opening of the Bengali House of Bliss? As they say, that was no man, that was a eunich! Yes, Lakshmi is a big advocate of eunich pride and often hits the club scene with a hijra friend or two. Lakshmi may love the night life but she certainly hasn't given up her day job: her new album is now complete and is said to be heavily informed by Guta's studies of Western mysticism (can you believe she's read the Left Behind series twice?!)...The most highly-anticipated documentary of the year is hitting theaters soon. It looks at the human impact of "insourcing", ie. shifting business from a part of India where labor is cheap to a part where it is even cheaper. Entitled Rajiv And Me, the film by first-time director Mihir More is garnering raves from critics everywhere, though representatives of the Indian auto industry are saying it plays fast and loose with the satyam...

I want to conclude today's column with a special plea to the writers, directors and producers of Bollywood. In a time when negative consciousness seems to be suffusing the globe, is it not the responsibility of the artistic community in India to set forth a more positive vision? To that end, I feel it is time to dispense with the insulting stereotypes of Westerners predominant in so much of Indian mass media. In particular, the depiction of North Americans as greedy socially inept merchants who come to our country only to gawk at our women and exploit our youth has got to end. Aren't immigrants to India entitled to learn a living too, as long as they obey our laws and don't disrupt the chakra? Remember, the one you find beneath you today may well be above you on the sacred ladder of tomorrow. As Mohatmas Costello once sang, What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding That All Life Is Transitory?

From Bollywood with Baba Ganoush wishes and curry dreams,

GP

Checking In

Hey there - LF hitting the tarmac at last! I haven't had a flight that long since I took in a Dead show in '69 and ate the brown fromage. Anyway, I did keep up with the news whilst in orbit - evidently Clinton slept on the couch after the Lewinsky affair? Funny, so did I, but only after attempting to use The Starr Report as foreplay. I'm just glad that dark time is over now, and children only have to hear about oral sex on the news when Iraqis are forced to simulate it.

On that note - happy Father's day!

(Guest blogging will begin shortly)

Much More To Come

Hey there, gang. LF here, posting from 5,000 feet over the Antarctic. Don't worry, I'm not turning into some kind of virtual David Blaine - it's part of an assignment I'm working on. A story that, if it's published and I receive a respectable fee, will blow the lid off the Bush administration, OPEC, the National Park Service, professional wrestling, and also explain why last season's episodes of The Sopranos sucked. If I don't post here for a while, it'll be because I've been murdered by the CIA. If I do post...well, that'll just show you how ineffectual our intelligence agencies have become.

You may have noticed that the pace has slackened off a bit here on Lomblog lately, from our April-May "hot streak" of typically one-post-a-day to a more miserly one-post-every-other-day. This is not, as some have charged, because I've recently rediscovered Tetris. It's because I've been working overtime on this story, which will almost certainly shift the tectonic plates under Washington and the Teutonic plates on the chests of zaftig female opera singers. Be prepared to have your mind blown. Some of the information I've collected is so hot, I'm not even sure I can verify it.

But don't expect the site to go dormant while I'm away. Until I return - if I return - a rotating group of guest bloggers will fill in for me. Yes, yes, I know, this is exactly how Jay Leno got started. I promise you this will work out much better. I'm a young man, so the time when I retire is still at least eight years in the future.

Anyway, these posters will be guests on my site, so don't treat them rudely. Treat them as you would any other blogger who is obviously my lesser but still worthy the respect accorded a fellow human.

Keep me in your thoughts and Favorites folder,

LF

Introducing Lomblog Entrées™

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record but the site continues to grow by leaps and bounds. Normally, that would be the setup for another fund-raising appeal, and in a way it is - but then, what isn't? No, my real point is, we are continuing to gain popularity. Yesterday, for some reason, we received the highest traffic in the site's over two-month (and they said it wouldn't last!) history. Of course, more important than the number of visitors is the demographics we're attracting. According to yet-to-be-released figures from a yet-to-be-named ratings organization, Lomblog is now ranked #399 among blog readers aged 18 - 24 who've attended at least one semester of junior college, and #277 among 28 - 34-year-old stay-at-home moms considering an adjustment to their Security Zone settings. Yes, that's right - we're kicking the crap out of sticks and strings: a knitting blog in its own backyard!

With all of this excitement, I thought now would be a good time to introduce my new readers to the old Lomblog, or as some of the die-hards would put it "the real Lomblog, before it sold out and went corporate." On the sidebar, you'll notice a new feature called Lomblog Entrées™. These are direct links to highlights from our first two months of posting. No longer will you have to scroll through pages and pages of the meaningless filler that make up the backbone of my work to find the buried treasures within. Think of it as a TiVo playback of Lomblog's greatest moments or a Now That's What I Call Lomblog Volume 1.

Enjoy. And for the old fans who are introducing a Lomblog classic to your friends - no spoilers!

Classics On DVD

LF here, just back from two days at the annual Blogger Conference On Promoting Teen Abstinence. You know, some people attend these events to garner publicity, but I do it purely for the love of teens refraining from sex. The conference was a real eye-opener; you'd be surprised at the number of well-known bloggers that were and are abstinent. By the way, if you're an abstinent teen and you blog, a "Free Links for the Fornication-Free" certificate should be arriving in your inbox any minute now, courtesy Ben Shapiro.

Of course, when I'm on the road, I occasionally get bored and when I'm bored, I like to check out a movie or two. But unfortunately, most of today's films just leave me cold. They tend to be overloaded with sex and violence, and without the obscure symbolism that would make it all worthwhile. Luckily, some non-Lombaire classics have made their way to DVD and make great rentals for those idle moments:

Gone With The Wind

This Civil War epic, filmed in glorious Technicolor, is undoubtably one of the unparalleled classics of American cinema. The performances and characterizations are far better than any reenactment I've ever seen, or for that matter, anything recorded by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Everyone involved is at the top of their game, from the art directors (wow, imagine having to handpaint all those reels of footage) to the first black Oscar winner, Hattie McDaniel (eat your heart out, Holly Berry!).

If this set has a flaw, it's the lack of extras. I mean, no director audio track? At least Gable or Leigh or Olivia de Havilland could've sat down and chatted a bit with Leonard Maltin or some equally respected Hollywood historian. Are their schedules too busy for that? I'm sorry, French subtitles, as much I enjoy them, just aren't enough. [EDIT: Oops - talk about timeless. This film is apparently much older than I initially thought]

Still, this remains the quintessential "chick flick" for any woman who's dreamed of romance with a dashing soldier fighting to uphold Negro subjugation.

The Wizard of Oz

This is a classic that has just recently turned up on DVD. Of course, everyone is familiar with this film from the frequent TV broadcasts, but recently, there has been renewed interest because of an unusual ritual popular with fans of Pink Floyd. Supposedly if you watch the movie while listening to the Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album, the music actually synchs up with the action on screen. Now I don't have any Pink Floyd; they were a little bit before my time. But I did try this experiment with the The Fabulous Peggy Lee and the results were inconclusive. Oh well...my acid days are long over anyway.

Even without rock background, this is still a startling piece of work. Judy Garland performs beautifully as the lonely young Dorothy who, because of a freak tornado, finds herself a very long way from her home in Kansas and devoted gay following. Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr and Jack Haley are all equally brilliant as the three adult males who find what's missing from their lives while accompanying a pubescent girl through the woods. And of course, who could overlook the Munchkins? - or as they'd no doubt be known in today's PC climate, the "little squeaky people." I know "there's no place like home" but Oz was such a wonderful place, I couldn't bear the thought of not returning. I don't have cable so I haven't seen any of episodes yet but I'm glad I ordered copies of the HBO
TV series and sent a few on to my nieces and nephews as well.

Triumph Of The Will

This movie is a little more controversial than the other two. Directed by Leni Riefenstahl, this is a cinematic document of the 1934 rally at Nuremburg. Everyone who reviews the film says that, all politics aside, the artistry is breathtaking. And I agree: if you buy one piece of Nazi propaganda in your lifetime, you should definitely make it Triumph. But if you can, watch it on a double bill with Schindler's List or The Pianist so you know you're getting both sides of the story.

Though this is obviously very old footage, the DVD transfer of both the audio and visuals is astonishing in its clarity. In fact, it was so vivid, when the pizza man knocked on my door during the opening credits, I nearly hid in the basement.

Again, there's no denying the technical brilliance of this film, but a movie designed to promote the Hitler agenda will never get the gold star of excellence from me.

Happy viewing!