Rather Duped

A sad day for American journalism. Tonight, we learned officially that CBS has lived up to its initials. Dan Rather apologized for his 60 Minutes 2 report on the president's National Guard service, admitting that the network can not "verify" documents central to the story. Now personally, I don't see why this is such a big deal. I haven't verified half the things I've posted, and no one's asking me to resign. But of course, the standards are higher for a major network, even one that once depicted Angela Lansbury as a homicide sleuth. Sadly, this scandal means we may never know the truth about President Bush's Guard duty. Did he really use his father's influence to avoid Vietnam and then skip out on his last year of flight training? Oh, wait....we've known that for years. But now we may never have some hard-to-make-out photocopied memorandums proving what we've known all along. A real tragedy.

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me! Your knowledge of 1970s typography is truly astounding...and pretty depressing.

This is just one more example of blogs getting out in front of major news well before the establishment press. Just look at some of the big stories blogs have broken this year:

· Robert K's pugs




· Jeff Milner's new haircut




· p3anut hates her new classes and really likes Chinese food




· And a very special night in the life of Instapundit




What of Rather himself? Well, my sources say the hard-hitting anchorman with the catchy Texas folk sayings is hoppin' mad. Who can blame him? After learning he was duped, he was probably more enraged than a rattlesnake drowning in a drainage ditch. Especially now, when he finds his credibility more tattered than a wasp flappin' its wings against a windshield wiper. And as he contemplates forced retirement, he's probably imagining a scene more liquored-up and tearful than a Tijuana campfire. As for the Republicans, they got to be happier than a coon hound lapping up toilet water. And President Bush? No telling, but I'm guessing he's....relieved like an incumbent realizing the mainstream media will be even more cowed into obedience. It's just like my Aunt Sally used to say, "Damnit, this homily-making is hard!"

100% authentic,

LF

NK's On The Nuclear Block?

Big story over the weekend:

Report: Major Explosion in North Korea

- The Associated Press, September 11, 2004

There are all kinds of reports and there are all kinds of assessments that are going on. Maybe it was a fire of some kind, a forest fire of some kind. But we don't believe at this point that it was a nuclear event.

- Condoleezza Rice, CNN Late Edition, September 12, 2004

Hmmm. A forest fire? Good to know the administration is on top of this one.




Next up,

Lomblog review: Passion Of The Christ on DVD...just in time for Rosh Hashana!

Is Lomblog Biased?

With the conventions over and yours truly no longer in the custody of NYC's finest, a little self-reflection is in order. While winning the traffic wars against more-established competitors like Eat Chicago and of course, sticks and string: a knitting blog, Lomblog is not without critics. In fact, some self-proclaimed media "watchdogs" will go to practically any lengths to disparage my good screen name. Luckily, I have a forum to respond.

But first the charges themselves. The following is an excerpt from the new book, Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire: How Lombaire Fan Slants The News, Distorts, Derides And Drives His Frustrated Readers To Write Angry Screeds With Maddeningly Long Subtitles (Thugnery Publishing; $18.95).

This book is the product of people who've had enough. Time and time again, Lombaire Fan has used his personal website to espouse his personal opinions. It's as if he feels he is somehow exempt from the rules of professional journalism simply because he is not a professional journalist. Now, no one questions Mr. Fan's right to express a dissenting view. What we question is his character, motives and right to express a dissenting view that differs from our own.

It would be one thing if Fan were upfront about his political beliefs. Then we would know not to trust him, and to begin a massive campaign of personal harrassment and intimidation of the chronic liar, his friends and family. But no, this so-called "blogger" is far too cowardly for that. When called upon to justify his demonstrated bias, the only defense offered is that he's "just funnin'" and "it ain't no thing". He's even gone so far as to call himself "a political independent" who votes for "the man, not the party, unless the party includes a rich assortment of gourmet cheese on Wheat Thins". Sorry, Lombaire Fan, you're not fooling anyone; your partisan disregard for the facts is almost as obvious as ours.

And the facts speak for themselves. Mr. Fan may occasionally call his blog "the no-crap zone", but a careful review of more than five posts he's published since last April show that 93% are composed of "crap" and another 7% "a squishy substance that resembles crap but can only stink worse because it comes out of Lombaire Fan". Over the next 3,321 pages, we will provide more statistics that bolster our case. And in the 2,829 pages after that, we will belabor the point further.

We can only hope that this publication will be a small step toward creating a media sphere where the likes of Lombaire Fan are no longer viable public voices with good credit.

I've been advised by my lawyers to say as little about this as possible. You know - loose lips sink blogs and all that. But suffice to say, all the mentions of "Lombaire Fan", "Lomblog" and "gourmet cheese" are violations of my intellectual property rights. As for the rest of it....well, if the writers of this libel think they're so hot, why don't they get their own blog and let's see it beat sticks and string!

By the way, none of the people responsible for this book have responded to my offer of a duel. Cowards.

Final Night Diary

Whew, what a week. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, trying to digest it all. Which would be a lot easier if I hadn't swallowed the worm at Sen. Rick Santorum's Bash For The Unborn all-night mixer. I know if Santorum had his way, this country would be a cloistered theocracy, but I must admit, the dude parties like it's 1959!

For the past four days, this whole city was infected with a Republican fever that is just now beginning to break. Watching late-night tv, one got a sense of just how welcoming New Yorkers can be: all the porn stars on local cable access were wearing elephant pins on their persons! At least, I think those were elephant pins.

Anyway, while I was on the floor during last night's pandemonium, I took a lot of notes. I've assembled them now for this very special LF Convention Diary:

9:30 PM - Well, the excitement is building as we prepare for the moment every delegate has been waiting for: Zell Miller biting the head off a live bat. No, no, we're waiting for the president's speech. And as in Boston, this place is packed with stars. Look, there's Bo Derek! And Wayne Newton! And Bo Derek again! And one of the Oak Ridge Boys! And the fat Baldwin brother! Seriously, there's so much glitz and glamour here, I feel like I've walked onto a 1982 episode of The John Davidson Show.

9:45 PM - Of course, some have wondered why the convention was held here in New York. Really, I think the selection made perfect sense. When most people think of New York, they think of Broadway, Woody Allen, carriage rides in Central Park....and Republicans. Yes, NYC and conservative politics just go together, like, well...Jerry Falwell and hordes of militant gay activists. Or neo-con Israeli hawks and the Nation of Islam. Or Washington-based libertarian think tanks and huge, public-sector-based unions. Yep, I can't think of any other city that would be more supportive of a Republican convention, except possibly San Francisco or Najaf.

For many attending the convention, this is their first visit to the Big Apple. And what wonderful memories they'll take home. Montana's delegation saw the Statue of Liberty; Nebraska took in a Broadway play; and Delaware shared a needle with a bald bisexual graffiti artist who lives in a small corner of Macy's. Yes, these are experiences they won't soon forget, especially when they wake up tomorrow morning with a tattoo that says PROPERTY OF BIG DONNIE.

9:59 PM - Now we're in the middle of a documentary retrospective on the Bush presidency. The 9-11 attacks are heavily featured. Very bittersweet for these Republicans, thinking back to a time when 3,000 Americans died, and the president's approval rating soared. I'm sure everyone in this building remembers where they were and what they were doing when that second Gallup poll hit the airwaves.

10:03 PM - The president has just arrived on stage and, wow, what a reaction. I thought these people were mostly BS'ing, but apparently, they really do want to re-elect him. The emotions are unreal, much like the promises. The woman next to me is crying her eyes out, and I don't even see Gov. Schwarzenegger standing anywhere near us. A Fox News correspondent just had an orgasm - I'm guessing, for the very first time. A man in the Pennsylvania delegation sacrificed a newborn calf in supplication. The whole place is chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" - now I know this has to be a gag. George W. Bush, you've been POTUS'ed!

10:14 PM - Uh oh. I feel a disruption coming on. Something's stirring in the crowd. Oh yes...if you're watching this on the networks, you probably don't know what's happening but you soon will. OMG, can you believe this?! With all the tight security!

Former Vice President Gore has just streaked the convention!



This is definitely going on the highlight reel! And I don't want to get too graphic here, but...NO RECOUNT NECESSARY! Gore's really trying to undercut the message that Democrats are "soft".

Prez looks a little rattled at first but seems to have recovered. Down in Texas, we call that "using a teleprompter".

10:45 PM - He's really on a roll now. Lot of terror talk but quite an ambitious domestic agenda too. Education, housing, and a prescription drug benefit for political parties that suffer from schizophrenia. Not sure where the money's going to come from...probably estate auction of the next Iraqi president.

11:11 PM - I think he's winding down now. At least I hope. I guess if you speak concisely, the terrorists will have won.

11:16 PM - Here come the balloons! And all the RNC speakers are up on stage - except for the Bush twins and Zell Miller, who've been dispatched to check out Hurricane Frances. The convention is over, and I loved every minute of it! Every hateful, brazenly hypocritical minute of it! If another Bush term doesn't see the Western world destroyed in a holy war conflagration with the Middle East, I have a feeling I'm going to love 2008 just as much.

Good times. New Yorkers are indeed a resilient lot. Three years ago, they survived the worst terror attack in our nation's history. And this week, they survived a Republican convention.

NYC, the occupation has ended! Freedom is yours! Get well soon!

More From NY: Night Of The Living Dick




LF here - attending the Republican National Convention so you don't have to. Closing night has arrived; we are just hours away from hearing the president of the United States present his plans for the next four years. Not only are Americans inside and outside the Garden on the edge of their seats with anticipation, millions of people in North Korea, Iran and Syria have already assumed a crouching position.

Whatever happens tonight, the president had quite a warm-up act on Wednesday. Easily the emotional high point of the convention thus far was the keynote address by Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a Democrat - yes, a Democrat for Bush! It was in this very arena that Miller gave the keynote at Bill Clinton's first convention in 1992, but he's become disillusioned with his party over the last twelve years, in which they've moved to the left to get away from him. Miller is known as a fiesty orator, and the minute he took the podium, it was clear the insanity level would be raised from Moderate to Severe. His voice dripping with contempt for everyone he's traditionally been associated with, the Democrat-turned-Democrat-in-name-only gave the kind of rip-roaring, sock-it-to-'em, stick-it-to-the-man stemwinder that hasn't been heard on a national stage since the Confederacy was defeated. Among the crowd, Miller whipped up a nationalistic fervor so intense, ABC's Peter Jennings used the 20 minutes he was off-air to renew his Canadian citizenship. He may be confused about which party he belongs to, but on one point, the Southerner was certain: George W. Bush is the only candidate for president who can stand up to our #1 menace.....anti-war demonstrators. Oh, and Al Qaeda.

Will Miller's aggressive tone turn off the swing voters? I don't know. He certainly fired up the delegates. I know many journalists referred to the speech as a "barn-burner" but that really understates it. From my vantage point on the floor, I felt like I was hearing a real old-fashioned church-burner! Of course, Zell's fellow Democrats aren't happy. But then, Miller hasn't left the party; the party left him...and might be well-advised to file a restraining order.




After the Georgia dynamo, Vice President Cheney's speech was as anti-climactic as Bob Dole without Viagra. But it did have its moments:

In Iraq , we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein . Seventeen months ago, he controlled the lives and fortunes of 25 million people. Tonight he sits in jail.

When I first heard this, I missed the reference to Hussein and assumed he was referring to a former colleague at Halliburton.

Keepin' it real on the ultra-conservative tip,

LF

RNC '04: Live From Madison Very Square Garden

LF back again - spooning with history on the floor of the Republican National Convention. Monday night, the quadrennial GOP shindig started off with just the kind of bang you'd expect from an administration that's conducted two wars. With mentions of Ronald Reagan, FDR, Winston Churchill and the 9/11 attacks, the speeches by party superstars John McCain and Rudy Giuliani delineated the night's central theme: Leave No Dead Unexploited. But Republicans switched gears on Tuesday, using the evening's prime time lineup to demonstrate that they're the party of diversity - the party of the "big tent". And under the tent last night was the R's leading sideshow attraction, Austrian muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger. Among these pumped-up delegates, his speech certainly caused quite a Der furor:




It was a gold-medal performance by the former Mister Universe. The prez may have had four years of training but he'll have a hard time outdoing this dazzling political newcomer, who cleared the high bar on macho bluster, hokey one-liners and all-around hamminess. He shared his inspiring story of coming to America as a penniless immigrant who couldn't speak the language, and emerging as a successful movie star and California governor who can't speak the language. Yes, he is the living embodiment of the American ideal: if you lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take steroids and marry an anorexic Kennedy, almost anything is possible. Arnold also called those pessimistic about the nation's job picture "economic girlie men". Take that, dismal unemployment figures ; your ass just got served by the Terminator! Hasta la vista, Bureau of Labor Statistics!

But the best was yet to come:




Over the past four years, the Bush twins have fake-ID'ed their way into our hearts, and now they would perform without the benefit of tequila. Ready to match wits with the Kerry girls in an edition of Last Daughter Standing, they brought one-liners to spare:

Barbara Bush: When your Dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. So I knew I wasn't quite ready to be President — but No.2 sounded good — who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

Jenna Bush: Ganny, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks "Sex in the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.

Barbara Bush: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world. We've studied abroad. But, when we started coming home with foreign policy advice, Dad made us call ... Condi?

Jenna Bush: We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes we did a little better than others. We kept trying to explain to Dad that when we were young and irresponsible. Well, we were young and irresponsible.

Adorable, aren't they? I know these twins are fraternal, not conjoined, but it's pretty clear they're thinking with a single brain.

Actually, some of the best material in the speech was left on the cutting room floor:

Jenna Bush: Dad isn't very hip. He thinks Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is one of John Ashcroft's powers under the Patriot Act!

Barbara Bush: Omi-gawd - he thinks Six Feet Under is Dick Cheney's medical prognosis!

Jenna Bush: We've done a lot of traveling. When we were with Dad in Iraq last Thanksgiving, we visited a place where Americans were helping people try on new clothes and get their picture taken. That's the first we ever heard of a girl named ... Lynddie?

Barbara Bush: After our visit, I suggested to Dad that maybe we should treat the Iraqi prisoners a little more humanely. He said, good idea, but first you'll have to go through a guy called ... Rummy?

Jenna Bush: Dad suggested it'd be better for his image if we kept a low profile. We said, Duh - maybe your image would be better if you stopped stealing elections and starting unnecessary wars!

When the president spoke via satellite, the Republicans were more...well, relieved to see him than they've ever been. But one couldn't help notice that the apple doesn't accidentally fall far from the tree.

Meanwhile, First Lady Laura Bush is more popular than ever. Especially after last night. Even partisan Democrats can't help but sympathize with the burden she's had to bear.

LF At The RNC

Well, here I am, live from New York, New York - the city so nice, they fortified it twice. Yes, fresh from Athens, I've arrived at the Republican National Convention, a place where the jockeying for position is even more cut-throat and the winners equally dependent on biased judging. I was hoping to file one more report from Greece this weekend, but unfortunately had to make a quick exit. It's a long story, but suffice to say, if Michael Phelps really values his gold, he definitely shouldn't leave it unguarded outside a men's room stall.

Of course, covering the RNC has not been without difficulties either. In order to gain access to Madison Square Garden, I had to make a few minor adjustments to the t-shirt I was wearing:




So far, the heavy security and large protests have been the big story. The extra law enforcement presence is certainly understandable; an awful lot of precautions have to be taken to protect the female delegates from Arnold Schwarzenegger. The demonstrations have been peaceful up to this point, but there's still the potential for disruption. When the Bush party arrives in NYC, the president is likely to be greeted by thousands chanting slogans like "Baby killers go home!" - and for once, they're not his supporters.

Even before hitting town, the Republican nominee-to-be is making news. Yesterday, he said that the Iraq war has been "a catastrophic success". Continuing this theme, the president will tell delegates on Thursday that they can look forward to "a disastrous victory" this November, followed by "a failed triumph" of a second term, in which America will continue to get "nightmarishly better". I know there's a lot of partisan division out there, but can we not agree that George W. Bush is the most horribly great leader this nation has ever had? Truly, whether you're a conservative mega-leftist or a liberal ultra-rightist, you must admit his absent service has been a dishonorable privilege during this time of peaceful war and prosperous recession. Four less years!

Anyway, the major speeches have begun. John McCain took a swipe at Michael Moore - who knew the Republicans had a documentary in contention at Cannes? Rudolph Guiliani just said "you're either with us or you're with the terrorists". Ooh boy...I better check my credentials!

A Grand Old Partier,

LF

Still Greek To Me

If there's one thing I've loved about Athens, it's knowing that a little piece of history is around every corner. Truly, it's like visiting Neverland Ranch before the cops arrive. This year's Olympics represent something of a homecoming for the games, as this is really where it all started, in ancient Greece BC (Before Costas). Unfortunately, there is no filmed record of the Olympics for this period, and even if there were, NBC would own exclusive rights to broadcast the highlights from 1:00 - 4:00 am. So the only way to snatch a glimpse of ceremonies past is through the extensive collection of ancient Greek artifacts collected in museums around the globe.

These relics - wall paintings, plates, vases, dusty gift-shop trinkets - offer a fascinating peak into antiquity. They also beg the question: are today's Olympics really that different from the games of yore?

For instance, corporate sponsorship of athletes and sporting events has been a frequent target of the civic-minded in modern times but even in the idealistic Greek republic of old, a strong touch of commercialism crept in:




Happily, in 40 AD, the barbaric practice of branding star equestrians with company logos was ended by the Roman Emperor Caligula, who termed it "no way to treat a lady."

Drug scandals have also marred many an Olympic outing in recent years, but they are nothing new either:




Here we see a top wrester's freshly drawn specimen examined for trace elements of barley and staghorn, a potent cocktail in ancient Greece, said to enhance athletic performance even more than "training for four twilights with the blessing of Zeus." The disqualified were universally reviled - driven from the public arena, except for appearances in Pagan "reality" pageants like The Simple Rite.

As many Olympic activities were performed in the nude, it might seem that society was less hostile to free expression. But even then, there were some standards:




In particular, the javelin toss was broadcast on a "turn-your-head-for-four-seconds-in-case-something-gruesome-takes-place" delay.

Finally, there was the rewarding of prizes. From the beginning, Olympics officials made sure that the judging of all events was scrupulously fair. But sometimes mistakes were made:




We may never know who really deserved to win that year. But the torch of excellence still rages as fiercely as any slighted Olympian at any point in our history.

Feeling a little more ancient,

LF

Khorkina & Me

Every four years, the Olympics not only bring us the rising stars of sports tomorrow but a few old favorites going for that last shot at glory. This year's swan song was by Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina - and what a beautiful, beautiful, troublesome, troublesome swan she is. Last Thursday, Khorkina lost the Women's All-Around to perky American Carly Patterson, and Sunday, finished last on the uneven bars (when are they going to get those fixed anyway?). Since the demise of her gold ambition, Svetlana has stirred controversy with comments suggesting the competition was rigged in favor of the American. Looking for the lowdown, I made arrangements to interview this tempestuous blonde over brunch at Kol Tov Monday afternoon. She may not have the gold but she still has a lot to say.




LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello Svetlana. Before anything else, I want to congratulate you on your showing this weekend.

SVETLANA KHORKINA: Thank you. Though I came in eighth, I am still Olympic champion!

LF: That you are. Also, I'm so saddened to hear about your retirement. As the "older woman" of women's gymnastics, not only were you an inspiration to senior citizens everywhere but one of the very few female gymnasts I could physically admire without feeling like a perv.

SK: Thank you. Age is just a number....even when I am 55, I will still be Olympic champion!

LF: 55? So I take it you have a birthday coming up?

SK: No, no. No matter what numbers the Western judges may concoct, I am only in my twenties. I have my whole life ahead of me. Though I am disappointed, there is much more to this existence than keeping gold out of the hands of greedy little virgin dwarves!

LF: Svetlana...this is the kind of thing you've been criticized for. Do you really believe there was a conspiracy to deny you the top prize?

SK: I know there was a conspiracy! I knew from the minute I approached the balance beam, when the judges pelted me with empty bottles of Smirnoff, that I wasn't going to win! Now they will live with it on their conscience - they murdered a young girl's dreams!

LF: But Carly Patterson, the winner, is sixteen, and you're twenty-five.

SK: Yes. But even when I am seventy-five, I will still be Olympic champion woman-child!

LF: But isn't some of your behavior a little unsportsman-like? For instance, after your score was announced on Sunday, you walked out before your competitors had even finished their routines. I know you were upset, but isn't that a little disrespectful? I mean, I stayed through the end of Catwoman, for God's sake.

SK: I refuse to participate in a sham! Unsportsman-like? I am not a sportsman, I am a beautiful bird who they tried to fleece! These competitions should not be about antiquated notions like who has best "movements" and does most difficult "manuevers", but on grace, elegance and beauty.

LF: No offense, but even if we were judging by that standard, I'd have to give the medal to Juliet Binoche. But you're not bad for an older lady.

What about all the venom you've inspired from the press? You've been called an "ice queen", a diva, you were once quoted as telling an American journalist to "shove it"...oh wait, these notes are left over from my interview with Teresa Heinz-Kerry. My bad.

How about that other Olympic judging controversy? Do you think Paul Hamm should give back his medal?

SK: Yes, he should return his medal...to me!

LF: But that makes no sense, you weren't competing against Paul Hamm - he got his gold in men's gymnastics!

SK: No, you must understand...there has been an injustice! He has a gold, and I am without gold. So the only fair thing...is to give me the gold! Otherwise, I don't see how he can sleep with himself on his conscience. He is not true Olympic champion - not like me!

LF: Well, Svetlana, thank you for your time. I don't know when we'll see you next - I guess it's back to the farm or opening boat shows with Nadia Comaneci.

Dismounting for now,

LF

Kerry Kontroversy

LF here - still in Olympic party mode but keeping sight of the goings-on back home. According to my briefings, some of the fiercest competition outside Athens is happening in the presidential campaign, where Bush supporters are striving mightily to make John Kerry's medals about as meaningful as Paul Hamm's. The charge made in television ads by the organization Swift Boat Veterans For Truth is that Kerry is exaggerating his Vietnam heroism. Though almost none of the vets featured in the group's spots actually served on Kerry's boat, the SBVTs are still gaining support. Just today, a highly decorated naval veteran of great prominence has risen to add his voice to the anti-Kerry ad choir.





In a devastating 30-second hit, Captain Horatio S. Crunch (né Cap'n Crunch) blasts the Democrat. "If Mr. Kerry is really the hero that he claims, where's his giant ribbon that says 'HERO'?," intones America's leading fighter of the Soggies. "I may have lost my medals a time or two in a particularly fierce battle on the Milk Sea, but I think everyone under my command agrees they were well-earned - just ask my first lieutenant, Guy On The Cracker Jacks Box."

Crunch denies he is doing this for political reasons: "I'm an independent; I've always supported the biggest corporate shill masquerading as a military leader of either party." He does acknowledge a special connection to the White House, as Mr. Bush likely spent several hours staring at his cardboard visage in the president's dissolute "wilderness" years of the early 1970s.

The ad will begin airing this week, mostly on Saturday mornings and during episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants.

Meanwhile, another spot is scheduled for nighttime programming on cable's Nick-At-Nite and TV Land. It also features a distinguished captain of the high seas - this time, questioning the circumstances behind Senator Kerry's combat wounds.




Were Kerry's Purple Heart injuries really sustained while helping Isaac move the roulette table? Millions of people without the proof to back up their suspicions are, nonetheless, very suspicious.

Maybe we should let the judges work this one out. Let's hope they don't make a scoring error like last time.

LF's Olympic Update

Brought to you by Kol Tov, the official kosher restaurant of the 2004 Summer Olympics.




Lots of action here in Athens. I may be keeping it kosher but the big winner today was Hamm - Paul Hamm. He captured the gold in Men's Individual All Around Gymnastics by the narrowest margin in history. The American beat South Korean Kim Dae-eun by a score so close, it makes Veikko Huhtanen's 1948 victory over Walter Lehmann look like a freakin' landslide! Oops - I forgot not everyone is an Olympic "wonk" like me. Needless to say, all the fans rooting for the US this year were really excited. In fact, a man who knows a thing or two about narrow margins, President Bush, called to congratulate Hamm on his triumph. Being the curious sort, he also asked how many of the Olympic judges were appointed by the gymnast's father. Bravo, Paul. I know you've been preparing for this moment for years, and if you get a good endorsement deal, it'll be years before we forget who you are. If not, I hear that Mary Lou Retton's slot at TGI Friday's has just opened up.

But the plucky underdogs probably everyone has taken to heart is the Iraqi soccer team. These guys have shown more fancy footwork than Paul Bremer leaving Baghdad, and made a lot more progress too; I don't care what anyone says, that $7 billion we spent training Kurdish goalies has really paid off. If they take home gold, silver or bronze, we can be sure of two things: 1) these medals will be the most valuable commodities in Iraq that haven't been looted and 2) it'll be the biggest Olympic "miracle" since 1980, though perhaps not as miraculous as finding WMD in the players' homeland. Good luck, team - bend it like B'aathists!

And if fortune doesn't smile on you, we can always meet at Kol Tov for some smoked salmon on rye.

The Pelé of posting,

LF

LF In Athens

Well, it took me a while, but I've finally made it: I'm now blogging to you live from the Summer Olympics. I wish I'd been here for the opening ceremony but due to a little mix-up, I spent the first day of the summer games here:




Yes, that's right: Athens, Georgia. I really need to read those travel brochures more closely. The minute I stepped off the plane, I noticed it was a lot less exotic that I thought it would be. And just milling about town, I saw far more Winn-Dixies than ancient ruins. The trip wasn't a total waste however; while visiting a local pawn shop, I had a very interesting conversation about scalp care with REM's Michael Stipe. Nice meeting ya, Mike, but Shiny Happy People catching the next flight out of town!

As you may have heard, security is very tight this year. Before I could enter the Olympic Village, I was frisked, stripped and thrown against a mat - which, incidentally, is how Governor Jim McGreevey chooses Cabinet appointees. Obviously, there's a lot of concern about terrorism - I think. With the swarm of armed guards I saw outside the festivities on Sunday, my first thoughts were, "Either they're worried about an incident or these Dutch rowers are much more popular than I imagined." We all know the reason for the special precautions: this is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension. Of course, this has enormous ramifications - mostly in the number of sportscasters who will continually announce, "This is the first Summer Olympics since 9-11, and it takes place during a time of great international tension." Every Olympian this year has to have it in the back of their minds that they're not just competing for themselves - they're competing for the chance to be pawns in a giant game of geopolitical cocksmanship. Go for the gold, guys!

But so far, there hasn't been much to distract from the glory of the Olympic spirit. No doping scandals, and no one getting hit in the leg with a pipe. Personally, I find this a little disappointing. It's like going to a hip-hop awards show where no one gets shot in the parking lot, or a Republican convention where no gays are baited. Hopefully, things will pick up in the next two weeks.

Your Champion Blogger,

LF

BREAKING NEWS: NJ Governor Resigns In Gayness

I know that many of you come here for the latest headlines, and this is it: James McGreevey, the 47-year-old Democratic governor of New Jersey, has just resigned over an extra-marital affair with another man. All I can say is, Wow. If I had known or cared who the governor of New Jersey was, I'd be shocked by this revelation. And if I lived in New Jersey, I'd be shocked I hadn't left yet. Certainly, no one saw this coming - except presumably, the governor's lover. This is guaranteed to shake up politics in "the Garden state" - though, really, when you think about it, any state with a nickname like that is just begging to have a gay governor.

What are the national implications? Politics being what it is, the Republicans will seize on this scandal to portray Democrats as the party of gay womanizers. That will tend to hurt the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the Bible Belt, where as you know, homosexuality and adultery are frowned upon by all but the most desperate of Tennessee Williams' characters. Still others will bemoan the fact that we don't live in a society progressive enough that a politician like McGreevey could openly cheat on his gay husband. But reaction from some of his gubernatorial colleagues has been surprisingly sympathetic. In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger said no politician should be forced to leave office over unsubstantiated claims of sexual harassment, even if he is "a girly-man." Nice to see some bi-partisan comity for once.

There's obviously a lot more to be said here. But I'll leave that to someone who knows a lot more about New Jersey, state-level politics, and homosexuality than I do - which is to say, almost anyone.

Further updates as the gratuitously graphic and unpleasant details become available...

Back Again

LF here, finally returning to my virtual abode. For all who wrote me while I was away, thank you for your concern. For those that didn't...well, you can forget receiving a card on L. Ron Hubbard's birthday this year.

The reason for my brief hiatus is not, as rumor would have it, because I was in a treatment center for drug, alcohol or sex addiction (though I do quite well, thank you). No, I was putting the finishing touches on what I believe will be the piece de resistance of my publishing career thus far: LF's Fight Terrorism Funbook! If you're lucky, you'll be able to reserve a copy at Barnes & Nobles or Border's very soon. If you buy one of the first 300 copies, you'll receive a plastic sticker that says LF ARMY RECRUIT - TERRORIST FUNFIGHTER BRANCH.

I'll be posting excerpts periodically until the book's official release in early September. Today's sample comes from a special chapter for parents entitled I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Al Queda: Raising Little Terrorbusters. Inspired by the Jackson Five, it's a song that I hope will educate millions of American youngsters about the Department of Homeland Security's terror alert system. Of course, seeing it in print is a little different than listening to it complete with the wondrous music I've composed, based on ancient Incan folk melodies. But I hope you'll get the point anyway.

(MY HEART'S ON) RED ALERT

INTRO

(backing) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY
(speaking) No seven-minute delay!
I'm coming to get you, girl!
(backing) BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BU-BOOM
You better duck!




1ST CHORUS
My heart's on Red Alert - you better take cover!
No downgradin' to Green - I'm bound to be your lover!
Orange ain't happenin' here - and I'm all through with Blue!
Yellow's how Elevated I'm feelin' the love for you!

1ST BREAK

Now STOP!

1ST VERSE

Baby, I gotta know
If it's a false alarm
Put duct tape 'round my heart
Before you do it harm

You know my love is real
I've given you a warning
Let's stockpile all we can
'Fore lines start forming

BRIDGE

You know that you're the only one
Who can set off all my bells
Without a knife or gun!

2ND CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - it's time to take cover!
Green just ain't my scene - I know there's not another!
Who can make me Orange or Blue - with just a touch or two!
I'm a downright Yellow fellow - when I'm standing next to you!

2ND BREAK

Now DROP! And HIDE!

2ND VERSE

Baby, you gotta know
I been hearin' lots of chatter
'Bout you and some other guy
But that don't seem to matter

'Cus all I want to do
Is come home and protect you
I know that you're the bomb
So I don't want to misdirect you

2ND BRIDGE

For as long as you are in my arms
You'll be feelin' mighty safe
No Al Queda can do us harm!

3RD CHORUS

My heart's on Red Alert - nobody can defuse me!
But it sure would make me Blue - if you would refuse me!
Orange might as well be Green - for all it would mean!
No need for a Yellow - my love's already been screened!
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh baby
(backing) My heart's on Red Alert!
Oh child
Don't you know my love
Has been
Screened
By the proper authorities

Now DROP! And SLIDE! And LET IT RIDE!

The Amish Vote

Lombaire Fan is feeling a bit blue these days, perhaps suffering from post-party-convention depression. So he turns things over - briefly - to one of his longtime assistants, the Hack Comic.

Yello? Yello? Terror alert! Terror alert! Kidding...hopefully.

Maybe you missed it, but I happened to catch this article last night about the Bush campaign reaching out to Amish voters, as seen here:



I think this strategy makes a great deal of sense. Not only do the Amish mostly live in crucial battleground states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, they're probably the only people in America for whom the Iraqis look to be livin' large. Plus, most Amish haven't been to the movies since "Witness", so it's very unlikely they've seen Fahrenheit 9-11.

Naturally, Amish jokes have long been a staple of any hack comic's repertoire. So, moved by the spirit of Frank Jacks and with inspiration from past elections, I present my latest web poll:

Amish Outreach? What's the best campaign slogan to woo Amish voters? Let's Get America Churning Again Progress, Schmogress! A Reformer Without Electricity Building A Bridge To The 19th Century A Chicken In Every Pot, A Buggy In Every Shed Are You Better Off Than You Were A Fortnight Ago? It's Mulching Again In America Current Results

Vote early and often, until there's a clear winner or this post is knocked off the front page. And be good to LF, folks; he's been good to you.

Lomblog Goes Public!

Fresh off our convention success, I'm pleased to announce another step forward in expansion of the Lomblog media empire. Last week's DNC coverage brought our greatest traffic increase since I briefly changed the site name to Click To Watch Paris Hilton Get It On!. But a successful blog can not sustain itself simply on wit, insight and uncomprehending Googlers. That's why I'm pleased to announce that Lomblog will shortly make its debut as an initial public offering.

Yes, soon you will be able to own a share in my future profitability. Now admittedly, I'm not the greatest expert on financial matters; until quite recently, I thought IPOs were those digital music storage dealies. But after consulting with Wall Street's best, brightest and least indicted, I've determined this is the proper route. I have no idea where the bidding will start, but I hope we do a little better than the Win A Dream Date With LF charity auction a few months ago (that's the last time I'm stood up by a supposed "altruist").

As a bit of caution to potential investors: the market is notoriously volatile and liable to move on the slightest bit of rumor and hearsay. But then again, so am I! I look forward to having your support in very concrete terms. I think of Lomblog as my baby, and we all know how serious it is to sell one's child on the open market. By going public, I feel the site now not only has a chance to grow and develop, it won't move back in after college either. Ah, metaphor is a tricky art indeed.

Anyway, I've very excited by this venture into capitalism. New York Stock Exchange, here we come!

Convention Wrap




Well, my four-day voyage into the heart of American democracy has ended. John Kerry has accepted the nomination, and I've accepted the mantle of America's preeminent political blogger. These are heady times for both of us. I kinda wish I had a "band of brothers" to share it with, but for now, I guess you'll do.

So what have we learned this week? We've learned that John Kerry may be the most qualified man in the country to fight Al Queda in Vietnam. We've learned that the flag of the United States of America doesn't belong to any one party, it belongs to anyone trying to win a national election. And we've learned that a (sorta) skinny kid with a funny screen name can cover the conventions as well as any of the hacks at the networks. Lt. LF reporting for duty!

Let me say a special word of thanks to the people who made this week possible, beginning with my parents. They taught me the values of faith, family and country that I hope to one day incorporate into a best-selling series and documentary for HBO. I'll never forget the immigrant cab-driver who couldn't speak English very well but had some great dish about the Kennedys. I'll always remember the 23-year-old waitress, struggling to make ends meet, with a child in daycare and a husband away in Iraq or Afghanistan or - I don't really remember, because Bono was at another table and I got very distracted. Oh, what cool sunglasses he had! These are memories I'll treasure in my heart forever, unless America is attacked again and I become an arch right-winger who despises everyone I've partied with for the last four days. Hopefully, that won't happen. But if it does....well, that's why we have two conventions.

A great American novelist once said, You can't go home again. My parents said something similar. But tonight, I am home. Home in my living room. Home with my cats and my Plastic Bertrand posters. So tonight, on behalf of all Lomblog participants, with a faith that tomorrow's posts will be better than today's, I say to you - I really need a shower.

Cue the balloons!

Convention Week Continues

Another exciting night in Beantown. If you've been watching at home, you've probably seen the way Democrats have reached out to people who are unemployed, destitute, and without hope, whether they've just returned from Iraq or broken off an engagement with J-Lo. Unfortunately, I've been too busy star-gazing and enjoying my mini-bar to speak with many of the convention attendees. That's where our National Affairs editor William Sliender comes in. Bill is a senior fellow of Self-Evident Convention Analysis at the Bricklined Institute and the author of a recent column, Convention Bounce: Will Kerry Get A Convention Bounce?. He joined me in the skybox earlier to discuss his polling of the delegates.

LF: Welcome back, Bill. Fancy meeting you here.

WS: Thank you, LF. Great to be back - it's great to be back.

LF: Now the big star tonight was John Edwards, as he officially accepted the VP slot. What's been the reaction of the public so far to the addition of Edwards on the Kerry ticket?

WS: Well, so far I'd say the reaction has been mixed - which is to say, ambivalent. Mostly the response seems to break down along gender lines: a majority of women say they find Edwards earnest, articulate and caring, while men we've polled say they've resented him since high school. This divergence has even prompted a new slogan for the Republicans...Bush-Cheney: Steady, Responsible And Very Unlikely To Turn Up In Your Wife's Diary.

LF: Are the Democrats trying to play up a contrast between Edwards and the incumbent veep, Dick Cheney?

WS: Oh, I think so. Notice that Edwards is frequently photographed with his young children in a way that calls to mind the JFK "Camelot" days of the early '60s. Whereas this is the most flattering photo we could find of Vice President Cheney:




To be fair, the Vice President is reportedly very attractive to people who've seen him up-close and behind-doors in a secret energy task force meeting. Maybe not as photogenic as some, but to the oil industry executives I've talked to, he is a beautiful, beautiful man. I guess that really shows the intense partisan divide in this country.

LF: Speaking of partisan division, what's the sentiment of the delegates today? Is the feeling more pro-Kerry or anti-Bush?

WS: I would say it's a thin line between pro-Kerry and anti-Bush. But there's definitely a fair amount of animosity to the Republican incumbent. In my survey of convention-goers, I asked them to describe their feelings toward the president. These were the results:




Obviously, the challenge for the Democrats this November is to channel that visceral anger into victory at the polls rather than several "road rage" incidents. They've managed to do a pretty good job of it so far - at the convention this week, only one cable news correspondent has been publicly "fragged." You know, they're quiet, but you gotta watch out for that Montana delegation.

LF: On the subject of cable news, do you have any read on how the delegates feel about Fox News covering the convention?

WS: Yes, that was another question I asked. I wanted to know if the Democrats gathered here felt that outlets like Fox were legitimate news organizations or merely tools of the Republican party. Here's how they responded:




I have to say, in all my years as a pollster, I've never seen more unity among Democrats or felt greater fear for my personal safety. With this much anger on both sides, 2004 could be, quite literally, a bloodbath. What an exciting time for us political junkies!

LF: Thursday is John Kerry's acceptance address. How well does he have to do?

WS: He has to really hit it out of the park, and if possible, hit a home run. He has to deliver the speech of his life - that is, a speech better than any he's given in the sixty years he's been breathing. Can he do it? We'll find out very soon, if not sooner.

LF: Thank you for your insights, Bill. I hope we can do this again at the Republican convention.

WS: Thank you. I look forward to it - in fact, that's something I'm looking forward to.

More From Boston

Very exciting times. I've just spent a long day chasing Teresa Heinz Kerry around town, hoping she'd tell me to "shove it". I guess I just wasn't annoying enough. Well, Mrs. Kerry, even if you don't become First Lady, we'll always have a court-mandated 30-mile radius.

The fun didn't end there. Tonight, I climbed down from the Lomblog skybox high above the Fleet Center to actually mingle with some delegates:




As you can see, this was during the keynote address by Illinois State Senator Barak Obama. What a talent. This guy has so much charisma, I can easily see him becoming the first black president impeached by vindictive Republicans. I was struck by one part of his speech, when, describing the way commentators divide the nation by its colors on the 2000 election map, he said, "We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States." I understand the point he's making but this could be a concern for the Kerry campaign, as Mr. Obama has just effectively "outed" millions of people in the critical battlegrounds of Arizona, Arkansas, Missouri and Ohio. I just hope none of their parents were watching at home, and as tonight's festivities weren't carried live by any of the networks, that seems a pretty safe assumption. I'm not gay but believe me, I know what it's like to receive a "concerned" phone call from the folks, ever since I was caught on-camera in a crowd shot at a Pet Shop Boys concert. Luckily, our society is much more tolerant now than it was in my days as a roadie for Dead Or Alive.

As I mentioned in my last post, this place is packed with big names. You could light this whole convention just off the starpower gathered in this hall tonight, and it still wouldn't be enough to capture all the sweat dripping off Ted Kennedy's neck. For instance, I saw CBS newsman Dan Rather earlier. He told me these delegates appeared "happier than a pig slopping mud on a rained-on barn post." I have no idea what that means but as Dan has been covering these things a lot longer than I have, I must yield to his wisdom.

Fox News is also covering the DNC. However, they've been criticized for not actually airing many of the major speeches. Instead, they've had their network anchors and political analysts bantering over the oratory. A Fox executive I spoke with anonymously at a Vietnamese massage parlor this afternoon told me his team is absolutely committed to presenting non-partisan coverage of the convention. He said Fox will be the first network to broadcast live if any of the Democrats on the speakers' platform are beheaded by terrorists.

There you have it: Lomblog gets results!

LF At The DNC!

Yes, my friends, I have arrived! I am blogging to you live from the Democratic National Convention in Boston. I tell you, I once thought seeing the American political process up-close would be a bit like glimpsing Christina Aguilera without the make-up, but truly, this ol' democracy of ours is a natural beauty. And it's not just the balloons and colorful hats that have me all keyed up; this hall is crawling with celebs! Visiting the men's room this morning, I could swear the guy passed out in the stall next to mine was none other than Dr. Hunter S. Thompson himself! I only wish I could've gotten his autograph before the medics arrived.

Of course, it's not just me feelin' the love tonight. This is one very upbeat collection of donkeys. The delegates here are so confident of victory this November that not even performances by Jon Bon Jovi or Whoopi Goldberg would dampen the enthusiasm. These party activists really believe that if they work hard, get the message out and file affidavits on behalf of all 3,916,207 Florida Democrats, they can win this election. Honestly, the whole thing has the feel of a giant televised group-hug, but with extra-tight security. I do have to question the choice of "Johnny B. Goode" as a theme song for the Democrats this year. Yes, I know the two guys on the ticket are both named John but it seems like some of the lyrics - "He never ever learned to read or write so well/But he could play guitar just like a ringing bell" - are more apropos to President Bush and his education policies.

So what's the schedule for this week? Well, this evening features speeches by former Vice President Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton in what the Dems are dubbing their "Tribute To Political Psychodrama" night. Then tomorrow, the keynote address by Illinois Senate candidate Barak Obama, who - if he's elected this fall - will be the first male African-American senator since either Reconstruction or Samuel L. Jackson in the last few Star Wars films.

Wednesday's a big night too, with the roll-call of the states and the official nominations for president and vice-president. Of course, it's a foregone conclusion that the candidates will be John Kerry and John Edwards, but there's still a chance that Fox News or the New York Post will call it for a Dennis Kucinich/John Hinkley, Jr. ticket. Then John Edwards addresses the delegates. He'll remind them of his humble background working in the textile mills with his father, his successful career as a trial attorney and the time he successfully sued his father for making him work in the textile mills.

Finally, the big night, when John Kerry himself accepts the nomination. Kerry advisors say they want to set a positive tone and keep Bush-bashing to a minimum. To that end, his speech will paint an optimistic vision of an America where children are better educated, health insurance is more affordable and Texas Air National Guard units aren't stocked with the n'eer-do-well sons of famous politicians.

Well, that's a look ahead...but for now, I've got some big-league political partying to do!

9-11 Report

On Thursday, the National Commission On Terrorist Attacks Upon The United States (boy, is that a mouthful) issued its highly-anticipated 9-11 report. Though hardly conventional summer beach fare, it's certainly a page-turner and therefore the perfect candidate to commence LF's Book Club, a regular feature that I hope will do for literacy what my previous efforts have done to harm it. However, I can't say I enjoyed this volume as much as I had hoped.

Maybe my expectations were too high but when I see a book has ten authors and took nearly two years to complete, I guess I expect something a little tighter than a dense, disjointed 588 pages. To quote Richard Clarke, "Your government failed you" - and evidently, Creative Writing 101. As suspense, it lacks the professional craftsmanship of a Robert Ludlum or Tom Clancy and can't even compensate with a startling plot twist like the Warren Commission's "single-bullet" theory. What we're treated to instead is a tedious compendium of missed opportunities, tragic bumbling, and bureaucratic stasis. So the government can't catch the terrorists...tell us something we don't know! At least spice things up a bit with a few "Deep Throat"-style mystery characters, or maybe a chapter entitled, "You're So Vain, You Probably Think Your Negligence Was Personally Responsible For The Mushrooming of Al Queda."

Another flaw is the lack of a believable and sympathetic protagonist. Take a character that pops up about midway through the report, "President Bush." Does anyone really see this guy as Leader of the Free World? For much of his time in print, he doesn't even seem interested in the many nefarious terrorist plots being hatched around him. Then the attacks happen and presto! - he's magically transformed into a macho action hero fighting "the evil-doers"? Jack Ryan he ain't (and I don't mean the former Senate candidate that wanted to bang Seven-Of Nine in public). Guys, it's called character development - look into it.

What about the villains? Well, "Osama Bin Laden," with his riches and eccentric lifestyle, is certainly a classic baddie in the mold of Blofeld from the James Bond series. So why, for heaven's sake, is he allowed to repeatedly disappear from the main storyline??!! On one page, we read that "Bush" will capture OBL "dead or alive", but then several chapters pass with hardly any new "Bin Laden" action at all. Did the authors get lazy? Instead of fleshing out details on this fascinating 6'5" Arabian who travels from cave to cave, we're treated to a tiresome stand-off with a tinhorn Iraqi dictator that I'm almost certain is a rehash of something I read in the early Nineties. That, I'm afraid, is the essence of lazy writing. And don't get me started on the "Recommendations" section - if I wanted a how-to book, I'd buy Bob Vila.

By the end, with so many loose ends left to dangle, I get the sense the authors intend to spin this "War On Terror" thing into an indefinite series. Well, pardon me, 9-11 Commission, if I check out while you cash in. This is the last government report I share a sandy evening sunset with.

Lomblog Super-Summer Resumes

LF back again - didja miss me? Of course you did. In case you were wondering, I've just spent a few relaxing days apartment-sitting for Miss Courtney Love. We've been friends since my days as toastmaster du jour of the Seattle rock scene. Anyway, like everything with Courtney, this came up semi-unexpectedly, so I regret not being able to round up some guest bloggers in advance of this latest mini-vacation. But for those that think we're slowing down...in the words of Bachman Turner Overbite, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

Yes, we're just about to kick things into high gear. Tomorrow, I'll be bringing you my review of the newly-published 9-11 Commission Report (I can't wait to find out "whodunnit"). And next week begins our coverage of the Democratic National Convention. I'm really excited about this; this will be the first national convention I've covered that didn't primarily consist of people dressed up as Klingons. After that, the Olympics. Not sure I see a story there, but if it turns out there's a dark and hidden underbelly to professional athletics, you can bet I'll be the guy to find it. Finally, things come full circle early September with the Republican convention in NYC. It's an opportunity for all Americans to reflect upon the last three years and how much we've changed since the tragedy was first exploited. I can't wait.

Hoping your summer is as exciting as mine,

LF

Lomblog And Race

I don't publicly respond to reader e-mails very often, or even read them, but I recently received a message too sensitive and important for even me to ignore. It involves the issue of race. The e-mail comes from an African-American Lomblog visitor who calls himself "Concerned":

Dear LF,

Is it just me or is your site a little lacking in diversity? It seems like the only black in Lomblog is in the color scheme of your template. The discussion of issues involving racial minorities is always in the most superficial manner possible, though to be fair, this isn't different from your discussion of most topics. I'm certainly not accusing you of racism but it seems like Lomblog and Lombaire Fan orbit an ultra-privileged, lily-white netherworld where blacks and browns don't exist - except, quite literally, as cartoons. Have you considered taking any steps to make your site more welcoming and relevant to non-whites?

Concerned

First, let me just say this is exactly the kind of constructive criticism I appreciate. In fact, if I received more e-mails like this from my readers, I wouldn't have so many of you on block.

But in response - where to begin. "An ultra-privileged, lily-white netherworld" - oh, how I wish! Honestly, I am very in tune with the black community, enough that I don't feel the need to flaunt this connection like, say, the editors of Vibe. I know the first defense any white person accused of insensitivity resorts to is that old "some of my best friends..." bit, but truly, some of my best friends - as of this writing - are black. So your concerns, Concerned, are completely unfounded in my case, though in general, very well-founded.

If it seems I inhabit a world where African-Americans and Hispanics don't exist...well, this is called "the Internet." Sadly, there are probably more Americans of the Hobbit persuasion blogging on a regular basis than prominent minorities. Until the digital divide is bridged, I would personally favor an affirmative action program for bloggers who come from historically disadvantaged groups (but please, no special favors for people whose #1 disadvantage is "being targeted by the Borg"). Of course, such a proposal is not without controversy; no doubt there would be angry cries of "reverse discrimination" from the hordes of socially inept, acne-ridden, pajama-clad malcontents that make up roughly 80-90% of the blog-publishing world. For now, I will never hesitate to speak out on minority issues that I have at least a half-understanding of. But I think you would agree there are numerous others offline who can (and do) write about black America far more incisively than I, whether it's Toni Morrison, Michael Eric Dyson, or Abigail Van Buren.

Thanks again for your e-mail, Concerned. It's rare to see this kind of frank exchange on race anywhere in society today. I'm very proud if my oversight of your community is what helped make it possible.

It's A Bad Thing



July 16, 2004 will forever be known as the day the American judicial system jumped the shark. Like a stylishly modern-day Joan of Arc, Martha Stewart has been burned at the stake, with little more than courtroom sketch artists and news agency photogs on-hand to record the tragedy. Five months in jail - for what? Lying to investigators or introducing style and elegance to Kmart? I'm proud to say I did everything humanly possible to stop this travesty, but I am but one man with one copier. Despite my best efforts, the wheels of justice have rolled over Martha like an off-road minivan on a busy suburban thoroughfare. Maybe this is part of the Feds' top-secret plan to redecorate Camp X-Ray but that strikes me as unlikely. Not that there's any doubt of Martha's willingness to sacrifice for her country.

Only a few brave commentators, in addition to myself, have acknowledged what really happened here: MS was tried and convicted for the crime of being "too perfect." The jury box is now where the envious go to get their vengeance. And what's next - Katie Couric hung in the public square? Oprah and Steadman as the next Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? Nicole Kidman or Charlize Theron branded with a scarlet "TP"? Trust me, this is not a new lament; I've seen the success ladder from both ends and that ol' green demon has never reared its head out of me, except possibly in the case of Adam Ant. If someone is successful, I just assume they're my intellectual, creative and moral superior. If not...then something would have to be pretty screwed-up about this society of ours, wouldn't it?

I'm not saying Martha Stewart, to pick one example, shouldn't go to jail just because she's famous. What I'm saying is, the burden of proof has to be much higher when you're sentencing someone with a longterm syndication contract. Those who think there are no real-life repercussions to Martha's loss of freedom should check some Middle American flower beds in a couple of months. Soon we will know what it was like just after the fall of the Weimar Republic.

Of course, not all hope is lost. Martha's golden tresses will again be touched by the sunlight of liberty someday. That day may be even sooner than we think, if any fan finds her recipe for Coconut Almond With A Dash Of Metal File. Until then, even those who didn't follow her stock advice are poorer for her absence.

Our Three Month Anniversary!

Can you believe it? We've passed the big 3.0! When I first started posting, I never dreamed that Lomblog would achieve what it has so far. My only goals back then were to entertain my friends, get listed in a few search engines, and maybe hook up with one of Professor Juan Cole's "sloppy seconds." Little did I know that we would create a dedicated army of "Lomblogies", many of whom are now pondering runs for Congress and/or moving out of the garage. I couldn't have done it without you. Well, I could, but it would've been much harder.

So how shall we celebrate this milestone? Well, you could always drop some coin into the Lomblog piggy bank. Or contribute to my favorite charity. Or buy something from my wish list. Just know that your support means a lot to me. It's been a great balm knowing I have a group of fans loyal enough to stick with me through ups, downs, and the inevitable revelations of my bizarre lovelife and massive drug use. With any luck, we'll be hitting the sixth month mark any day now!

Many happy return visits,

LF

Facing Down My Foes

You may have noticed I've kept a relatively low profile lately - blogging less and attending far fewer star-studded Hollywood premieres. No, I don't have mono; I'm being stalked. Online, but just to be safe, I've also stopped sampling cheeses in the supermarket. And why? Yet another attempt to intimidate me from expressing my views.

If anyone wants to see how low the public discourse has sunk since I first started this blog, just take a look at this:



Yes, this is the web banner for a new blog (which I refuse to link to, for obvious reasons) entirely devoted to attacking me. Isn't that sick? Of all the people on the 'Net whose words deserve obsessive focus, it's no false modesty to say I probably rank somewhere between Andrew Sullivan and the writers of "furrie" porn. If that isn't redundant. And the worst part is I'm pretty sure the creator(s) of this site is someone(s) I've never even met! What kind of disturbed individual does that - publish an entire hate-site because you disagree with a writer's politics, rather than to air a petty personal grievance? It's this kind of social pathology that makes me glad there are still so many barriers to more widespread web access.

As for the charge that I tell "lies", well, this is obviously someone who hasn't checked the site in a while. Sure, we're not one of those hyped-up corporate-funded blogs with a Lexis/Nexis subscription and a fact-checker, but we do our best. The innocent mistakes of our early days - like referring to UN chief Kofi Annan as "that black guy from The Electic Company" - are long-gone. And when did I ever write that I "hate America"? The only time I can ever remember those words coming out of my mouth were a few years ago when I was introducing Frankie Munoz at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards. Like many others, 9-11 changed me. Since that day, I haven't donated a cent to the PLO. Not to mention, I changed my ringtone from "It's Raining Men" to "American Pie." Accuse me of anything you want, but never let it be said that I lack sensitivity.

I suppose I should wear this opposition as a badge of honor, instead of cowering in my apartment and making inquiries about dual citizenship. But does the American sensible center that has claimed me as primary spokesman really need its first virtual martyr? I think not. From now on, I will be blogging mostly from an undisclosed location. However, I will still be available for college speaking engagements.

Interview With Tom Ridge

Yesterday, Homeland Security head Tom Ridge said that Al Queda is plotting a major attack in advance of this year's election. But Ridge has come under criticism for the decidely non-specific nature of the threat announcement. As primarily an ardent prober of our nation's public officials, I invited Ridge to appear on my Washington-based webcast, This Week With Lombaire Fan. For those that missed it, a transcript follows.



LF: Thank you for joining us, Secretary Ridge. So exactly how serious is this threat?

TR: Oh, it's very serious. Those other warnings we've issued - they didn't mean much to me, I was just kinda going through the motions. But this one has me really concerned.

LF: And why is that?

TR: Because the notion of Al Queda interfering with our election process...well, it just goes straight to the heart of who we are. The idea that terrorists could impact our elections should shock and appall any American who believes in democracy, as well as those of us in the Bush administration.

LF: In the hours since you held your last press conference, has any more information been gathered on a possible date or scenario in which these attacks might occur?

TR: That's the thing: we just don't know when another Al Queda strike might take place. It could happen anytime. It could happen during the Democratic convention; it could happen during the debates. It could happen if a major figure from the administration is indicted. It could happen when one of the Bush twins goes "clubbing"; it could happen when Fahrenheit 9-11 is released on DVD. We can do a lot but we can't predict the future. All we can do is keep the American people informed of what we do or do not know is happening, and when it might or might not happen.

LF: Why would terrorists try to influence our elections?

TR: Simply put, they don't understand that the United States is different. We're not cowed by their actions, the way the Spanish were. This administration has a 100% commitment that the terrorists - ie. Kerry/Edwards - will not win.

LF: Excuse me...are you equating the Democratic ticket with the terrorists?

TR: No, no; I'm speaking of the Kerry/Edwards branch of Al Queda. These are two terrorist ring leaders we've just recently uncovered - Mohammed Kerry and Mustaf Edwards. They've adopted fairly common American surnames and have moved covertly through the country ever since the Iowa caucuses. We don't know very much about them, except their desire to wage jihad and repeal the president's tax cuts. These gentlemen are avowed enemies of the United States. Of course, they are not to be confused with the president's political opponents, though that confusion is certainly understandable.

LF: What kinds of precautions would you advise Americans take during this sensitive pre-election period?

TR: Simple: if you plan to engage in electoral activity and you have safety concerns, consult with us at the Department of Homeland Security and we'll tell you what to do. For instance, I've already spoken with several delegates hoping to attend the Democratic convention in Boston later this month. I've told them that with so many suspected terrorists in the area, it's best not to do anything that might antagonize them. So if you're a female delegate, wear a long flowing robe that covers your body from head to toe.

LF: And a male delegate?

TR: Grow a long beard and sport a stylish kufiyah or some other traditionally Islamic headgear. Also, it might be best - from a safety standpoint only - to have lots of placards and banners on the convention floor that say things like, DEATH TO AMERICA, THE US HAD IT COMING and OSAMA/YASIR '04. If they see a convention like that on Fox News or Al-Jazeera, they certainly won't view Boston as the right target for attack.

LF: What about the Republican convention?

TR: The Republican convention is in New York, in September - I don't see any safety concerns there.

LF: What about Election Day itself?

TR: Well, clearly, there's nothing these barbarians would like more than to disrupt our democratic process on voting day. Fortunately, there's a very simple way for Americans to avoid such a tragedy.

LF: What's that?

TR: Don't vote. Especially if you're an African-American, a single, college-educated working woman or a regular listener of National Public Radio. These are exactly the people Al Queda would like to recruit. Exposing yourself to the pampleteers of the "Kerry/Edwards" team is very dangerous indeed. Why chance it? Just spend Election Day at home, maybe catch up on some reading, take a nice long nap until 7 or 8 pm and at night's end, sleep soundly knowing the threat has passed.

LF: One more question: with all this concern afoot, why has the alert level not been raised from yellow?

TR: In this instance, the yellow is very appropriate. Think of it as a traffic light; we're saying to the millions of people that might participate in elections this year, "Be cautious." When you close the curtains and prepare to cast your vote, you're taking your life in your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Ticket

It's official now: John Kerry has chosen John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I guess a lot of us saw this coming; the way they would giggle and pass notes to each other during the recent primary debates gave it all away. Our sources say the decision was finally sealed on Thursday, when Kerry appeared on the Senate floor and sent this word to Edwards through his aides: "John, would you like to be my vice president? If yes, fly to Boston on Sunday and raise thousands of dollars for me." Now, the die is cast, and the Democrats haven't seen this much excitement since the Clintons went to counseling.

But the drama kept us guessing right to the very end. When the Kerry campaign announced on Friday that it would reveal the VP choice through an e-mail, many of us hardened political scribes decided to camp out in front of the computer until we had a definitive answer. After several Pepsi-soaked hours, the message had still not arrived, but I pieced together all the available clues that had accumulated in my inbox overnight and made what turned out to be slightly erroneous call:



It just seemed to make too much sense. I read that Kerry had ordered up new decals in honor of his future running mate; what other selection could possibly inspire the normally stolid Massachusetts senator to experiment with body art? I was also aware the Kerry team made all applicants undergo a rigorous background check. What better contrast with the secretive Bush administration than to release the results in a streaming video available to anyone willing to share their credit card details? Certainly, "Dick" Cheney would never do that.

But the biggest clue? When I received an e-mail asking how much I would give for "a little something extra to make your woman happy", I just assumed the Kerry people had stumbled upon a whole new fundraising strategy, and who else could drive the point home with real credibility? My bad...next time, I am definitely going to check the headers. Anyway, at least I saw through all that Paris Hilton business; post 9-11, no way would Kerry pick a blonde.

Or maybe I was right all along. Perhaps Lee was the choice but he took offense at being part of a "short list." Or perhaps Kerry was afraid of being overshadowed. But that's water under the bridge. All I can say now is:

Kerry/Edwards '04/Edwards/Lee '12!

Happy Fourth Of July!



LombaireFan is away this weekend, celebrating the holiday with his parents at the Veterans of Foreign Film Studies retirement lodge in Madison, Wisconsin. But he will return shortly with exciting stories like these:

"Online Dating Tips: When's The Best Time To Reveal Your True Gender?"

"Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Rock Songs Mislabeled on Kazaa"

"Bangkok Blues: The Outsourcing of Illicit Sex"

"Exciting Scientific Discoveries With No Practical Benefit"

Until then, enjoy the illegal fireworks!

A Response To My Critics

It may surprise you, but Lomblog is not the be-all and end-all of my writing talent. As previously mentioned, I also have a burgeoning career as a freelance magazine contributor. While the bulk of my writings have been received with hearty acclaim, not all have escaped the harsh light of nitpicking online critics. The general charge is that I am an ideological chameleon, and that my writing is a triumph of style over substance - if that. I wish to respond to these claims, but let me first present the so-called "evidence."

The following is my original review of Fahrenheit 9-11, which was published and then retracted by The Nation:

Masterpiece. There is simply no other word for this incredible motion picture. If you're not watching it right now, you should be. If you're reading this and you haven't seen the film yet, drop what you're doing and speed to the nearest theater. If no theaters in your area are showing it, picket them. If your local theater has the film but they're closed for the night, blowtorch your way in and demand they run the projector.

If you see only one film this year, make it Fahrenheit 9-11. If you see only two films this year, make it Fahrenheit and some art-house crap about Aborigines. Everyone in America should see this film - yes, ignore the "R" rating arbitrarily slapped on by the fascists of the MPAA board and take the children. If they recoil, cut their allowance and ask them what Shrek or Spiderman are doing to end the war in Iraq.

There can be little doubt that this movie will devastate George Bush's re-election campaign, especially among Republicans and Independents who walk in by mistake. In the showing I attended, the air was so thick with the promise of overthrow I almost mistook the popcorn dust for teargas. I haven't felt this much hope for the future since the Sixties, or the cancellation of Dr. Laura's TV show. Michael Moore is simply the only American filmmaker today whose work comes close to compensating for the large-scale crimes against humanity perpetrated by people of his race and gender.

A few days later, I wrote another essay on the film for National Review:

Fahrenheit 9-11? More like Fat 'N' Height/Weight Not Proportionate. Let's face it: Michael Moore has no right to speak out on public issues as long as he refuses to disavow his own obesity. To not do so is as irresponsible as the editors of this esteemed publication printing my review before I've sobered up, showered and left some cab fare on the dresser. Every bit of this propagandistic swill is simply more aid-and-comfort to the Islamo-Fascists and their amen corner in Congress, the Democratic party and the gospel recording industry. Why I can just picture Moore - the burly, stubble-flecked minstrel of the radical Left - prancing up and down in blackface, singing "Can I Get A Witness?" at the trial of Saddam Hussein. Or perhaps I need more time to dry out.

No matter. The salient point remains: Moore is overweight. And unlike Rush Limbaugh, he lacks even the self-awareness necessary to get addicted to prescription painkillers. Every frame of this loathsome, squalid, risible, altogether ooky partisan tripe is slanted against the president. He implies that the Chief Executive of the world's most powerful democracy doesn't take his job seriously by featuring footage of Mr. Bush joking on the golf course after a anti-terror statement. What a double standard - not to mention double chin; everyone knows if Clinton had done this, it would've been hailed as charming, and if Lincoln had been similarly filmed, he would've been commended for his time travel skills. He criticizes the president for continuing to read to children in a pre-arranged photo op seven minutes after being informed of the 9/11 attacks. What would he have the president do - bust out of the classroom like an action star and say, "I'm sorry, I have to leave now, I've just been informed the country's under attack"? Maybe he-man antics of that sort would satisfy Moore and his Hollywood buddies but I'm glad the president showed some calm under pressure. And one has to ask, what does Michael Moore hate Moore (sic) - America, or our children's literacy? If the president can be faulted for anything, it's for reading "My Pet Goat" instead of George Orwell, but a slovenly, faux populist rube like Moore probably thinks Orwell is the old guy that makes that delicious buttered popcorn.

Concern for the troops? Moore wouldn't know concern for the troops if it bit him in his overripe posterior and then promptly died of lard poisoning. But I hope I haven't obscured my point with personal attacks. I simply can not sit back and allow someone to steal the spotlight from me with lies. The widespread deification of Moore is even more deplorable than that of Mother Teresa (as uncovered in my first book, The Publicity Whore of Calcutta) and Dr. Seuss (as exposed in my second, Horton Hears A Lie). I will have even more to say on this topic in my next volume, Letters To A Young Asshole.

Have I mentioned Moore's fat?

(Photo of author withheld by request)

To my critics: haven't you ever heard of nuance? Isn't it possible to have a slightly different opinion of something - say, a politically charged documentary - over time than you did initially? Is my thinking not allowed to evolve over years, months, even days? You also have a little something to learn about the magazine business: I can't write the same article for every publication I submit my pieces to. I have to carefully tailor my work to the specifications of each journal's audience. I would never think of writing the same words for Reader's Digest as I would for Spunk World (and wait 'till you see the review I've written for them!).

For the record, I still haven't seen Fahrenheit. The guy I paid a buck-fifty to camcord it hasn't turned up on Kazaa yet.