Guest Post

Today's special guest blogger is a longtime journalistic hero of mine, Carlton Abner. Eighty-seven-years young, Carlton - once called "the dean of the Washington press corps" - recently retired from the White House beat after sixty years covering presidents. But as you'll see here, his grasp of national politics is as strong as ever. - L.F.

When Americans huddled around their television and radio sets Thursday evening, many probably wondered why their favorite Westerns, domestic comedies and quiz shows were being preempted by a nighttime presidential address. After all, the Republic seems to be at point of relative contentment, what with the Russians at bay and the economy humming along nicely. Thanks to his congressional majority and big win over anti-war firebrand John Fitzgerald Kerry, the popular Bush could afford to rest on his laurels. Instead, this humble man from the Texas plains has devoted himself to the most important mission of our times: healing the lingering wounds of the War Between The States.

In his stirring call for Southern Reconstruction and an end to racial inequality, Bush has gone Lincoln one better. Moving far beyond the Emancipation Proclamation, he is asking us to invite the Negro into our homes, churches, businesses, and football stadiums in a spirit of brotherhood that I think will soon become synonymous with the Bush era. If there's a political motive in all of this, I don't see it. Due to the recently-passed 22nd Amendment, the many Negro citizens helped by his program won't be able to express their gratitude in a subsequent re-election campaign. The South, of course, remains solidly Democratic, even if the party nominates a liberal like New York's Senator, Harry Rodham Clinton. So it can only be with an eye toward history, not the polls, that the president proposes this ambitious rebuilding of the former Confederacy.



He is helped, of course, by bipartisan support. Just over his shoulder, sitting atop a black horse was none other than the founder of the Democratic party, Andrew Jackson. What a coup for Bush to win heavyweight backing from one of the opposition party's elder statesmen. And it speaks well of the president's sense of confidence that he was not afraid to share the spotlight with such a towering figure. If none other than Ol' Hickory himself is lining up behind the president, I'm sure we can expect many more endorsements in the days ahead. Perhaps the jazz musicians Mr. Bush alluded to in the conclusion of his address will begin whistlestopping through the Gulf Coast in support of this new legislation. With Count Basie and Duke Ellington on-board, the Bush bandwagon could kick up so much noise in Dixie that even the dead would rise up and dance a jitterbug to the president's new tune.

If there's anything the Administration lacks, it's a clever, memorable slogn that would sum up his plans and their hoped-for effect. Since the president's team is stocked with veterans - like PT Commander Bush himself - I suggest something martial, like "the War on Poverty."

C.A.

A Defense Of Bush

Less than two hours from now, President Bush will address the nation live from New Orleans. And not too long after that, anxious aides will address the president: "For Christ's sakes, don't drink that!" This speech from French Quarter - or as GOP Congressmen will soon rename it, "Freedom Quarter" - culminates nearly two weeks of damage control by the beleagured administration. But should this really be necessary?

Now, regular readers of Lomblog know that I've long been a fierce Bush critic. In fact, I once wrote, "If George W. Bush is elected president, the strong economy of the Nineties will disappear, he will bungle his way through a needless war in the Middle East, and large portions of the Gulf Coast will be destroyed." Pretty spooky, isn't it? What's more, I wrote that in 1989, when Bush was merely part-owner of the Texas Rangers. I guess I just have a way of sizing people up - in the same piece, I predicted that Richard Grieco's film career would go nowhere. However, I also suggested big, big things for Simply Red. Oh, the fickle ways of prophecy.

Anyway, I still think some of the hits the president has been taking lately are unfair.

For instance, all the talk about his famous five-week vacation. He was accused of insensitivity because he biked with Lance Armstrong during Cindy Sheehan's anti-war protests and plucked a guitar with country star Mark Wills during the earliest days of Katrina. But such revelry is far from unusual for a president facing a crisis.

Once again, history puts it all in perspective:



Here's FDR, just hours after Pearl Harbor, enjoying some friendly competion with one of the country's earliest racing stars.

What of "the Great Communicator", Ronald Reagan? He memorably eulogized the Challenger astronauts after they "slipped the surly bonds of Earth", but not before jamming on keytar with the lead singer of Norwegian supergroup A-ha.




And then there was JFK. During the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the fate of the world itself hung in the balance, he was photographed having a three-way with Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickenson.



Insensitive? I call it "balancing work and play."

A Very Serious Editorial

My fellow Lomblogiacs:

It has been more than three months since I last posted to you. Much has changed in that time. Back then, Martha Stewart was still in ankle bracelets, Tom Cruise was still nominally sane and public calls for assassination were still considered un-Christian. But now we live in a very different world - one that not even Lisa Bonet and Jasmine Guy ever anticipated. Our troops are bogged down in Iraq. High gas prices threaten our economy. The fear of terrorism lurks in major cities all around the globe. And through it all, we are led by men whose incompetence is matched only by their smug evasions of public accountability.

Ok, all of that was true more than two years ago. But now it's even more true.

The forceful winds of Hurricane Katrina have ripped the lid off the American Superdome and laid bare the swampy underbelly of US life, revealing metaphors we never thought possible. Like the terrorist attacks four years ago, a horrific tragedy has enlightened us all to the true nature of this nation's security. We've once again learned that for all of our military resources, solid infrastructure and government protections, we don't really have much in the way of military resources, solid infrastructure or government protections. And the knowledge of just how vulnerable we are to Mother Nature's WMD will color much of what we do from this point forward.

Let me give you an example. I popped in a DVD of The Wizard Of Oz this weekend, a film I must have seen countless times before but suddenly viewed in a whole new light. I couldn't help but think: if a tornado hit Kansas today, the Bush administration would squabble with the state's female Democratic governor, Dorothy would perish before aid arrived, and Toto would consume her remains on live TV. Pretty sobering, isn't it? Oh, perhaps I shouldn't have shared this tidbit with my niece but hopefully my candor will be an example to others with babysitting duties during this tragic time.

Yes, the implications of Katrina will ripple through the American body politic for years to come. In fact, they're already rippling. George W. Bush's already thin reserve of political capital has been reduced to a point where Republicans lack even the moral authority to make Chappaquidick jokes. Environmentalists and other proponents of climate change theory claim vindication, as do millions of elderly Americans who refused to switch it from the Weather Channel. Many wonder if the anti-government backlash of the past few decades has gone too far when ordinary citizens who could've been rescued by FEMA found themselves at the mercy of fate and Sean Penn's nautical skills. The news media has turned over a new leaf, daring to ask questions and express outrage on behalf of people who are outside their target demos. Even cable news has redeemed itself - aside from Geraldo and Larry King, who are the very definition of "irredeemable."

Still, a simple question haunts many of us. No, not "how much does judging Arabian horses pay anyway?" but a broader one: How could this happen? How, in a country with this much wealth, this much power, this many Neville Brothers can we allow New Orleans to sink? I'm not sure but I think it has something to do - metaphorically at least - with having a leadership of wealthy, powerful people who can't be bothered to leave their ranches or even turn on the TV while other people are being flooded out of their homes. Or perhaps I've been on vacation too long.

Whatever the case, there is one bright spot.

The unity that eluded us during two national elections has arrived at last. For no longer are we "red states" and "blue states", but just one bankrupt, nature-battered, militarily-depleted, strife-ridden, black-and-blue state of disaster.

Three more years!!

Stripped Throat

Well, the most closely guarded secret of the late twentieth century is now out - Hal Holbrook is still alive! And so too is the man he played in the 1976 blockbuster All The President's Men. By now you've all heard that former FBI Deputy W. Mark Felt - or as his friends call him, "Deep Throat" - has finally stepped out of the shadows to bravely acknowledge that his family needs money. He did so in the perfume-scented pages of Vanity Fair, though he still declined to pose in Vera Wang. Nonetheless, this is a major revelation that has turned Washington upside down. Suddenly, everyone is called back to an era when investigative journalists were dogged and unflinching, corrupt government officials were held to account, and Robert Redford's face was forty percent less craggy. "Memor-ies" -- wait, that was a different film.

Longtime Watergate-watchers always had Felt high on the list of possible Woodward & Bernstein sources. But firming up that guess was something of a challenge. After all, what man his age hasn't been known to leak?

Now Felt himself has made it official, and a vaunted Washington guessing-game has come to an end. It was all a bit anti-climactic. Like many others, I had been anxious to learn the truth about "Deep Throat" ever since childhood, when I got slapped for asking at the dinner table. It became a fun pastime - watching hours of repetitive cable documentaries on the Nixon years just to figure out which aging GOP hack was secretly a man of honor. This week, the answer came back: none of them. For fans of surprise, that's somewhat disappointing. On the other hand, we have further assurance that "the system still works" and major stories are continuing to be uncovered by fashion and entertainment mags.

There is still room for doubt though. As many of his critics have charged, Mark Felt is not a hero. In fact, he's been known to embellish his role in history a time or two, to the great embarrassment of a certain major publication.

Here's the Washington Post front-page header for June 11, 2002:



And for June 4, 1997:




Of course, not all these stories are the kind Mr. Felt would want to leak out:




So is there a reason Woodward, Bernstein and the Post allowed themselves to be scooped? Is "Deep Throat" really "Deep Throat"? Will we ever know the truth? I'll tell you in thirty years.

Celebrity Blogging

First off, my apologies for the lack of recent posts. I've spent the bulk of the past week trying to arrange a return visit to the Cannes Film Festival. Unfortunately, I have outstanding debts at most of the local cheese shops so this was not possible. Don't feel too bad; I'm not the only American who's the victim of fairweather French. I understand the only way Michael Moore could get in this year was by posing as Roger Ebert's decoy. Tell est vie. At least we're both on a diet.

Another consolation: star-packed film festivals near nude beaches on the South of France no longer represent the vanguard of the entertainment industry. Blogging is where it's at. Yes, you no longer have to work maintenance at a rehab clinic to read the daily thoughts of prominent entertainers. Among those following the blog-path blazed by true pioneers like myself and David Berkowitz are Tom Green, Ru Paul, and everyone's favorite comic gender-bender, Dave Barry. The trend is sure to continue as the Internet grows and more big names get placed under house arrest.

Now celebrities sounding off, diary-style, is really nothing new. You could say the blogging form itself began with the liner notes to Frank Sinatra's 1956 All Alone And Feelin' Reflective LP ("Time: 1:43 am. Activity: Eating bacon and eggs off a whore's ***. Soundtrack: The Nelson Riddle Orchestra. Mood: Top O' The World"). And of course, the late Hogan's Heroes star Bob Crane was the world's first video blogger:



Contemporary celeblogs range from cheap device for movie promotion to cry for help. Here's a sample of Rosie O'Donnell's blog:

oprah is a hybrid human
i am sure
decades from now
they will exhumne her remains
and find the dna
of the rest of us
in the future
evolved

Pretty chilling, isn't it? It's as if Anne Frank's basement had broadband.

Then there was last week's debut of The Huffington Post. Following her success as failed gubernatorial candidate's wife and failed gubernatorial candidate, Arianna Huffington has created a blog consisting entirely of posts from her famous friends. What a great idea. There are just so few venues for the already well-known to express an opinion. Finally the blogosphere is opening up to people whose only prior outlets were TV, movies, radio and major publications. Viva Democracy!

I hope I don't sound bitter. I'm not resentful of the Hollywood glitterati poaching on my turf. I know that when this whole blogging craze dies down, they'll go back to their wealth, fame and adoring public, and I'll still have a body of work I can be proud of, assuming I delete two-thirds of my archives.

Up Next: White House Demands Newsweek Retract Down Arrow



Lomblog, brought to you by Praxil© Anti-Depressant Medication and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, now playing

Advertising Acceptance

As much as we evoke the effortless spontaneity of children at play, the actual production of this site is both expensive and time-consuming. My travel budget alone would break the back of Jeff Gannon's wealthiest john. We also lack prominent financial backers, unlike so many other blogs that rely on the helping hands of media conglomerates, wealthy political allies and parents who still speak to them. All we have is you - and that's not enough.

That's why Lomblog has reluctantly agreed to accept regular advertising:



Don't worry: these ads will be as inconspicuous as possible, appearing only at the top and/or bottom of every post. They will not affect the content of the blog, only the way it appears on your screen. Nor will there be any toning-down of our anti-establishment edge. If you know anything about me, you're aware I can't resist biting the hand that feeds me, especially if that hand contains a tasty morsel of wholesome goodness manufactured by Nabisco®.

So the sponsorship will cause no conflict; my work will continue to be published unexpurgated and unverified. And without the pressure of trying to round up cash every week, I'll be able to focus on all the big stories of the coming months: the close of the Cannes Film Festival, the Michael Jackson trial, the Tom DeLay controversy, and last but not least, the opening of the final Star Wars film.

Granted, I'm not a big fan of the series as a whole, but this is a major event. Call me a nerd if you must, but I'll be in line first thing Thursday morning with a creamy BLT and a heart beating extra fast from anticipation. Maybe some of you will join me.



Lomblog, brought to you by Mellman's All Natural® Mayonnaise and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, opening May 19th

Up Next...



Preview CBS's two-part drama about a simple gal from Tennessee who overcame her modest talents to become a minor recording artist

And for the rest of you, don't miss the following soon-to-be-posted items:

"Exactly Where Are They Now?: Global Positioning Device Tracks Your Favorite '80s Rock Stars"

"Oh Baby, Baby: UPN Signs Spears Fetus For Eight Part Reality Series"

"Study: Bush Hatred Directly Proportional To Bush Knowledge"

"America's Least-Read Blogs, Volume 1: Diary Of A Midwestern Proctologist & Obsessive Quantum Leap Fan"

Don't miss the excitement...

Lomblog: We're Just So Into You!

A Personal Note

As you know, Lomblog often highlights the foibles of the famous and powerful. Largely this is the natural outsider iconoclasm that makes me a hero to so much of Y Gen. It's also the simple fact that aside from Tommy Lee and Kim Jung Il, very few of these subjects were personal friends. Not until now have I faced the difficulty of writing about a close pal's very public crisis.



Yes, many have had a field day mocking the explicit voice mails of Insider host Pat O'Brien, formerly of Access: Hollywood. I've stayed mum, not just because I've had my own inappropriate brush-up with infamy, but because Pat is one of my oldest and dearest H-wood friends. Truly, at every difficult point in my LA existence, he's extended a helping hand and words of encouragement. Whether it was the breakup of my first marriage, the breakup of my second marriage, or my various stints in rehab, Pat was always the first one there to put an arm on my shoulder, lean in and say, "Hire a hooker, get crazy, get some coke". It was so reassuring to hear in those familiar nasal cadences that have made him America's #1 conduit of news and information absolutely no one needs. And he did it all without asking for anything in return, besides friendship and ten minutes alone with my girlfriend.

That's the kind of man Pat-O is: not an infotainer but an infogiver. Or something like that.

In addition, Pat has always been the consummate professional. No matter how mind-blown on coke, he always had it together enough to march into a studio, stand alongside the likes of Nancy O'Dell and deliver the news that "Vin Diesel is packing them in Fast And Furious at the box office" or "Tom Cruise proved this weekend that beating him at the box office is a Mission: Impossible." There hasn't been journalistic commitment like that since Walter Cronkite covered the Kennedy assassination while wiped out on ether. And while I would never endorse drug use as a creative stimulus, I certainly preferred the harder, edgier O'Brien Access to the saccharine, commercialized version hosted by Billy Bush.

That's why I'll be there to help Pat in any way I can, provided it isn't over the phone. And I encourage the rest of you to approach him with a forgiveness born of fellowship, understanding and just a smidgen "There but for the grace of DELETE go I." Remember, all of us are just one drunken escapade away from facing the ultimate punishment: an hour with Dr. Phil.

Coming: Al Queda Fugitive Captured In New Mexico



The story of Jenn'afar wil-Banqs - a terrorist who sought to break the heart of the infidel

Pyong-Yukks

From time to time, Lomblog presents reports from overseas correspondents. This week's edition of Lomblog International is excerpted from the foreign policy/Eighties hair-metal newsletter, The Gunnar-Nelson Report. The author writes to us from the North Korean capital where the activities of Kim Jung Il's government continue to arouse suspicion.

Greetings from Pyongyang,

You may have read that North Korea is again conducting nuclear tests. But what really has the capital city buzzing is a speech by the country's First, Second or Third Lady - no one is quite sure - Kora Il-Jung. Virtually all members of the state-sponsored press agree she tickled more ribs than an electric truncheon.



The following transcript from this year's NK Correspondents Dinner & Loyalty Swearing reveal why some are calling Kora "the first concubine of comedy":

"Gentlemen and gentlemen, I've been attending these dinners for years and just quietly sitting there. That's because my unswerving devotion to Dear Ruler demands total silence."

laughs

"Dear Ruler always says he's delighted to come to these dinners. Phooey. He only eats with the press 'cus he can't execute on an empty stomach."

big laughs

"Of course while he's off, I like to watch Desperate Housewives."

guffaws

"If those women think they're desperate, they ought to try living in North Korea. Can you imagine if that show were produced here? Teri Hatcher wouldn't have to starve herself!

huge laughs

"I'm the real Desperate Housewife. Seriously, I have no free will."

laughs

"Can you believe it? There are people who say my husband is the world's most evil man - and he hasn't even held them as sex slaves!"

loud guffaws, applause

"But the Great Leader and I are complete opposites. I'm quiet; he's Stalinist. I'm introspective; he's murderous. I can't pronounce 'nuclear' and he can't stop proliferating."

loud laughs, applause, standing o

"Still, he's grown a lot since I first met him. Can you believe that when I was first abducted from a state farm by his family's henchmen, he didn't even know which end of the cow to milk?"

laughs

"Of course it's even more difficult now that they all have three heads!"

loud laughs, whistles, applause, standing o

"Seriously, both of us would like to thank you for inviting us - as if you had a choice!"

laughs

"Thank you also for staying in total thrall to the People's revolutionary agenda."

applause

"See you next year - if you're good!"

laughter, loud applause

POSTSCRIPT: The whereabouts of Kora Il-Jung are currently unknown.

England's Pleading

Today, Private Lynndie England will plead guilty to charges in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse case. These prosecutions were a long time coming, and I think all Americans - including the Bush administration - are relieved to see at last justice done and goats scaped. After all, the president has laid down a clear marker: anyone who believes that torture and abuse are acceptable tools in US foreign policy is worth no more than the meaningless backwater post of Attorney General.

And this approach has been a success. In the year since the Abu Ghraib story broke, there has not been one published instance of an Iraqi detainee tortured by an American serviceperson on film or video. Woo hoo! Weez on a roll!

But what of young Lynndie England, earthy star of this pageant of pain? Well, hers is a cautionary tale. She was once America's Swinging Sixties sweetheart in films like Barbarella and Barefoot In The Park. Then she took a wrong turn and landed overseas. Soon, all the world saw her smiling alongside enemy combatants, appearing to cheer on their efforts to humiliate the United States by stripping naked and mounting a body-pile insurgency. Now she was a symbol to America's enemies and the very embodiment of the addle-brained radical-chic politics long associated with small-town West Virginia. Could she ever apologize enough to satisfy her critics? The whole furor came to a head last week when she visited St. Louis for a hood-signing and was spit on by an angry Vietnam vet who she refused to give a reacharound.

Note: portions of the above are recycled from my review of My Life So Far.

Lynndie could spend a maximum of eleven years in prison. That's a long time, but I'm sure she'll find plenty of interest when she's released and resumes her favorite hobby, posing for very authentic Civil War reenactment photos:



Coming up: Nutrient Found In Wendy's Chilli May Be A Hoax

I've Calmed Down Now

Those of you who check the blog frequently probably notice that a post from earlier today is no longer appearing on the server. That's because it provoked such a strongly negative reaction from my readers that I felt it best to delete and move on - the post, not my readers. But after thinking it over, I realized this was a bit rash. After all, the great thing about the blogosphere is the lack of self-censorship, particularly on grounds of taste and propriety. So I've reinstated the post, and I'll be back a bit later to address any new criticism that might arise.

Memo To The Democrats: Expose Bush!



Like many others, I saw a photo of this meeting a few days ago and was both confused and troubled. My first thought? "Elton John is getting married and he's chosen his most unusual costume yet." But now we know the truth: President Bush is a four-square proponent of and participant in all-out, hardcore, balls-to-the-wall Saudi-my!

Yes, it's time the Democrats get aggressive and tell it like it is: George W. Bush is the flaming queen of Crawford mince! He's queerer than a queer-dollar-bill! He's fruitier than a holiday gift cake that has anal intercourse with other gift cakes! Oh, perhaps I'm not so gifted at euphemism but you get my meaning. If you want sophistication, maybe you should stick with the geniuses that helped the D team lose one and a half of the last two presidential elections.

Right now, the media is only covering issues Republicans want them to cover: gas prices, Social Security and Tom DeLay's ethics probe. But the Democrats have a perfect opportunity to break through the muddle with a message so obvious even NASCAR-watching, meth-cooking Red America will understand: "W" stands for Wonka, as in "Wonka-lot-in-the-Prince-Abdullah-chocolate-factory." Simplicity sells. Remember how Bush '04 triumped with that nursery-fit ad campaign, "Flip-Flop/Botox/Kerry's Wife's A Bitch!"?

The Democrats need to pound home the message that the whole GOP is one giant orgy of Moonie-financed man-on-man conservative action. Let's hear it on radio, TV, around the water cooler, in speeches and in jokes:

Q: Knock, knock

A: Who's there?

Q: The president

A: The president who?

Q: The president who likes to have sex with other men, provided they are bearded and oil-rich

We have the truth on our side - this is the gayest administration since Coolidge! For instance, they allowed a former male hustler into the White House repeatedly without ever verifying his measurements. Yes - a gay prostitute in the same building where our finest presidents did it with underlings! Explain that to Bubba T. Public who pulled the throbbing Republican lever in the simple hope that more Mideasterners would be killed and gay marriage tossed in the doily-bin of history.

That's right, Dems, it's time to take off the gloves and fight rank homophobia with rank homophobia. We can "reframe" gay-bashing on grounds that favor us. Let's start a Dick Cheney stomach-pump rumor. Let's call Laura Bush, Lynne Cheney and Condoleeza Rice "Texas oil-and-gas hags." Let's say to our friends across the aisle, "We'll come up with a response to your Social Security plan when you come up with an energy policy that doesn't involve dirty butt-sex with Arab royals. Deal?"

Or you can stand by your "principles", stay on the defensive and wait for Americans to "get over" their centuries-old aversion to homosexuals outside sitcoms and Super Cuts. Until then, the Republicans are here, they're scarily dominant and you'll just have to get used to it.

To paraphrase a famous gay icon, I've got all my life to live and so much advice to give. My cell is waiting for your beep, gents.

Out Of Italy; Pope Fans

On Monday I returned from my Roman sojourn with a heart full of memories, a stomach full of pasta and a head full of ecclesiastical cant. Or something like that. Now that I'm back, I'd like to first thank the Vatican staff for being so cooperative; there probably hasn't been a host as accomodating since Paula Abdul. In fact, everyone in town was totally cool. They call it Vatican City, but for me, this was the true "Magic Kingdom" - with extra props for not having John Paul embalmed or frozen.

But beyond the momentousness of this papal transition, I think what I appreciated most were the regular people I met along the way. Having spent a fair chunk of my pseudo-adulthood in the secular/Satanic world of Hollywood, it was refreshing to be among folks whose lives are grounded in sincere faith. Foremost among them were two young men who traveled thousands of miles to witness the new Pope's official start.



Rick Boitan, 25, and Dave Boyer, 34, are probably the biggest Pope fans you could ever meet. Only the Vatican itself holds more papal memorabilia than Rick and Dave's bedrooms. Being something of an obsessive collector-type myself, I don't think I really understood the Pope's appeal until I caught up with these two. Luckily, I happened to have a tape recorder on hand to capture this one-of-a-kind outbreak of Benedictine fever:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey guys. Nice costumes.

RICK: Thanks. My mother sewed this for me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But wait - what's that? A light-saber?

RICK: No! It's a holy cross.

DAVE: Helps us fend off evil.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I'm curious - I see the sleeping bag and all....how long have you been camped out here?

DAVE: Well, the minute we heard a new pope was coming out, we knew we had to be here.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So ever since the smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel?

RICK: No! July '04. The really hardcore fans find out early.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wow, that's a long time. After such a long wait, are you worried that Benedict XVI won't live up to the legacy of John Paul II?

DAVE: No, not at all. I don't really think about whether the new pope will be as good as the last; I'm just pleased that the series will continue.

RICK: Yeah, to the people that criticize, I always say, Let's see you lead a worldwide branch of Christianity! If you can sustain a following like this, then you can complain!

LOMBAIRE FAN: How long have you been fans of the papacy?

RICK: Me? My mother took me to see PJP: II in Seattle when I was just four. I still remember it. Seeing the Popemobile in person - not a scale model - it was awesome. A lot of his pronouncements I didn't really understand but I think I knew even then that the Pope was badass.

DAVE: Of course I'm a little older than Rick so I go back a ways. When the Pope was shot...well, that was a classic moment. It was really like a climactic battle between good and evil, with a young man rising to challenge his Holy Father...the Pope sorta dangling on the precipice......but what do you know? He survives and comes back for the next mass. And eventually they reconcile.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I take it you're really well-versed in Vatican history.

RICK: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with it all, even the old stuff - the pre-encyclicals.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Any favorites?

DAVE: I always thought it was pretty cool when Piux X was canonized. I mean, he's been dead for four decades and suddenly his body is dug up and on open display - what a twist! But that's the beauty of this weird alternate universe St. Peter created.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So how much of your fandom is actually based on your Catholic beliefs?

DAVE: Huh? I'm not Catholic.

RICK: Me neither - I'm Lutheran.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wait a minute....isn't there a conflict?

RICK: How? We're fans, not followers. You can worship the Pope, without "worshipping" the Pope.

DAVE: Yeah, don't you understand? What are you - a religious bigot?

LOMBAIRE FAN: I've just never heard of this before.

DAVE: Well, I'm sorry. It's ok.....hey Rick, just for fun do you think you could recite the new Pope's opening homily? In Latin?

RICK: Sure. Benedicticus....willrockicus....yourlameassicus.

RICK & DAVE: (high fives)

LOMBAIRE FAN: Nice job. Enjoy the new papacy, gentlemen.

Also Appearing Shortly...



Did Time Retouch Coulter?

And possibly an actual post....

Appearing Shortly.....



Piggy Axed: Obesity Concerns Prompt More Muppet Change

Vati-Spam

LF here - still in Rome, still in a new-pater state of mind. In a few hours, the era of Pope Benedict XVI will officially begin. While Benedict might seem old-fashioned, he has already advanced upon on his successor in at least one respect: he is the first Holy Father with his own e-mail address. Not only can you drop him a line, the new Pope is already messaging members of the Vatican's vast online database. True to form, he is taking an aggressive stance toward the promotion of Catholic ideals....

Dear follower,

In my first remarks to you on Tuesday, I stated that I was "a simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord". This is true. It may sound overly modest but I am just one man, albeit infallible. I can not do this job without the support of each and every one of you. Which is why I ask all Catholics to join with me in a most urgent task: stopping the Jewish filibuster.

Yes, a Jewish filibuster - or as they call it, "Passover" - is scheduled to take place for the next eight days. That's right - just as I prepare to take the reigns as Vicar of Christ, the so-called "Chosen people" will attempt to crowd me out of the media spotlight with matzah balls, ornate tableware and tales of multi-generational oppression. For this reason, Ted Koppel, Wolf Blitzer and many other top TV and print reporters will likely not be in Rome this weekend when I am formally inaugurated as pontiff.

Now, they will say this is all a coincidence, that Passover is always celebrated this time of year. But you and I know the real truth: they're running scared.

The Jews know that, thanks to recent events, the momentum is on our side. Brothers and sisters, people all over the globe have just gotten a good hard look at Catholicism - and they like what they see. We are gaining converts right and left, while their following continues to stagnate - honestly, when was the last time someone saw Moses in an underpass? Frustrated by their minority status, Judaism's more zealous adherents are falling back on the petty obstructionist tactics they've employed since at least 36 AD.

But not every Jew is on the same page as the Jew leadership. Some are on the fence. As such, we have a unique opportunity to influence their decision. Please contact the following Jews and let them know you don't think they should celebrate Passover this year^[*]:

Barry Goldman - Newark New Jersey --- --- ----
Richard Lind - Buffalo, New York --- --- ----
David Lipowicz - Denver, Colorado --- --- ----
Peter Bernman - Boca Raton, Florida --- --- ----
Phyllis Hampton - West Palm Beach, Florida --- --- ----
Ed Mortimer - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --- --- ----
Charlie Hirschberg - Montpelier, Vermont --- --- ----
David Geffen^[**] - Los Angeles, California --- --- ----

And for other ways to help, call this toll-free number:

1-800-STOP-THE-FEAST

Some might think this letter impolitic from a seventy-eight-year-old German man who was briefly a Hitler youth. But I can not let my past guide the Church's future. I was not elected on the fourth ballot by keeping opinions to myself. It is time we Catholics take action and prove to those on the other side that we are still the Holy Roman fighting force we were so many years ago. So let us join hands across this great electronic divide, and unite for victory.

Sincerely,

Pope Benedict XVI

To unsubscribe from the this mailing list, click here: http://www.vatican-va/excommunicateme.com

^[*]Partial list

^[**]Also a Sodomite

Vatican Election: How The Vestment Was Won

For those of us who are now pontifical junkies, this campaign ended just a little too soon. Man, what an education; to think that my prior knowledge of Catholicism derived largely from The Exorcist special edition DVD. But the papal election process is still shrouded in mystery. What drove the hierarchy of this centuries-old institution to go medieval on reform by embracing the Robert Blake-style charisma of "God's Rottweiler", Joseph Ratzinger?

To help us answer that question and more, we're joined by our longtime polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Conclave Analysis at the Brick-Lined Institute, and the author of a recent column, The Cardinals Choose: Who Will The Cardinals Choose?

Thank you for joining us, Bill. I'm really pleased you could once again participate in Lomblog's special election coverage.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: My pleasure, LF. Nothing like an old-fashioned Papist conclave, is there?

LF: There certainly isn't. Now, you've covered a few Vatican elections in your time - were there any surprises here?

WS: No, LF. Ratzinger was the favorite from the start. In fact, some of his opponents said he was so cocky, he almost seemed to be measuring the multi-colored drapes in the Room of Tears.

LF: So Ratzinger was pretty much a lock?

WS: Yes, LF. In fact, based on interviews we conducted with a few dozen cardinals before the conclave, we were able to create this color-coded election forecast:



As you can see, it was an astonishingly accurate projection.

LF: You really nailed it. But why Ratzinger? What put him over?

WS: A few things, LF. Ratzinger always polled well on qualities like "strong leadership" and "cares about cardinals like you". But really the image of strength is what put him over. It was a point his campaign team pounded home with slogans like "Joe Ratzinger - One Tough Cardinal" and "Ratzinger: A Catholic You Don't Want To Cross". The voters simply believed that he would take a firmer stand against sin than any of his competitors.

In other words, it was the values vote.

LF: The values vote?

WS: Yes. Particularly as it relates to sexual matters. One advantage that Cardinal Ratzinger enjoyed was his age. At 78, Ratzinger is not just celibate, he's super-celibate. Under questioning from his colleagues, the Cardinal stated that his last impure thought was during a 1979 Olivia Newton-John special. That's a no-lust record that virtually none of his opponents could match.

LF: Beyond the personalities, who were the swing voting blocs?

WS: Well, LF, there was really only one: Catholics. Fully 100% of the voters participating in the Conclave were Catholic - and we can say that with a level of statistical certainty that is rare in this business.

LF: What kind of Catholics?

WS: Very observant Catholics. Again, 100% of Conclave participants said they attend church on a daily basis, unless they're deathly ill.

LF: And what qualities did they value most in a perspective pontiff?

WS: Above all else: Catholicism. In fact, we tested several noted non-Papists - Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell, the Dalai Lama - against the option "Unnamed male Catholic", and in virtually every instance, the Catholic won big.

LF: That's a high level of devotion.

WS: Yes it is. When you consider that these voters would presumably elevate Mickey Rourke or Joey Buttafuoco before New York's junior senator or a former secretary of state, it really is.

LF: And what kind of Catholicism would they like to see from the new Pope?

WS: Well, there's been a real backlash within the Church against the so-called "cafeteria Catholics" who pick and choose which teachings to obey. The election of Ratzinger is a hearty endorsement of a whole new form of faith.

LF: What form?

WS: The details are still being worked out but the Cardinals are calling it "All-You-Can-Eat Catholicism." Under the Ratzinger reign, the Vatican plans to load up the faithful with extra servings of admonishment, orthodoxy and guilt. In accordance with these policies, the Eucharist will be adjusted slightly. The wine will now approximate a Big Gulp, and the wafers will be super-sized.

LF: If the conservatives won here, who were the losers?

WS: The people who usually lose when the Vatican meets: gays, women, anyone who want the church to move in a more progressive direction. That's not a surprise. The big losers were the Italians. They once had a lock on the papacy, and now they haven't elected a Pope since The Jeffersons were on in prime time. I mean, they can't even win in their home country! The Italian clergy is going to have to do some real soul-searching and message retooling if they ever want to say "Queremos Papa!" again and really mean it.

LF: Speaking of soul-searching, did the impact of the sexual abuse scandals play any role in this contest?

WS: Well, we asked the Cardinals whether the next pope should take a more public stance against pedophilia in the priesthood. Their responses were decidedly non-responsive:

Don't Know 35%
Can't Say 13%
Can't Hear You 11%
What's That? 10%
Coughing Loudly 31%

LF: Very interesting numbers. Excellent analysis as always, Bill.

WS: Thank you, LF. I hope we can meet again before the end of this Pope's natural life.

Vatican Election: All Robed Up

Yes, friends, it's all over but the tears - and endless harangues against abortion and homosexuality. A new pope has been selected. In honor of this occasion, I am officially changing my handle to "Lombaire Fan the First". It's a meaningless title that has no historical precedent, but as they say, "When in Rome..."

That's right, like most of the press, I've been camped out in Vatican City awaiting word from the College of Cardinals. There were a few false alarms on Monday and Tuesday, when what appeared to be puffs of grey smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel, indicating either deadlock or a visit by actor-comedian Tommy Chong. The smoke signals are of course one of the Vatican's oldest traditions, when all ballots are burned to signify a decision - the same process used by the Ohio Elections Board. But at 6:00 PM AD, the result became official:



Taking the balcony to the strains of Tina Turner's "(You're Simply) The Best", Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was made the 265th Pope - and the 264th that most people won't remember too well. He has selected as his moniker "Benedict XVI" - coincidentally, the name of Michael Jackson's youngest son. For the Holy Father-Elect, this is clearly the dream of a lifetime. At 78, he's taking on the arduous task of slowing social progress more than any other pontiff in Vatican history. It's a tall order but he certainly has the credentials and confidence to rise to the occasion.

Coming up: Polling the Papists

Coming Up....



Schwarzenegger Poll Sag