I've Calmed Down Now

Those of you who check the blog frequently probably notice that a post from earlier today is no longer appearing on the server. That's because it provoked such a strongly negative reaction from my readers that I felt it best to delete and move on - the post, not my readers. But after thinking it over, I realized this was a bit rash. After all, the great thing about the blogosphere is the lack of self-censorship, particularly on grounds of taste and propriety. So I've reinstated the post, and I'll be back a bit later to address any new criticism that might arise.

Memo To The Democrats: Expose Bush!



Like many others, I saw a photo of this meeting a few days ago and was both confused and troubled. My first thought? "Elton John is getting married and he's chosen his most unusual costume yet." But now we know the truth: President Bush is a four-square proponent of and participant in all-out, hardcore, balls-to-the-wall Saudi-my!

Yes, it's time the Democrats get aggressive and tell it like it is: George W. Bush is the flaming queen of Crawford mince! He's queerer than a queer-dollar-bill! He's fruitier than a holiday gift cake that has anal intercourse with other gift cakes! Oh, perhaps I'm not so gifted at euphemism but you get my meaning. If you want sophistication, maybe you should stick with the geniuses that helped the D team lose one and a half of the last two presidential elections.

Right now, the media is only covering issues Republicans want them to cover: gas prices, Social Security and Tom DeLay's ethics probe. But the Democrats have a perfect opportunity to break through the muddle with a message so obvious even NASCAR-watching, meth-cooking Red America will understand: "W" stands for Wonka, as in "Wonka-lot-in-the-Prince-Abdullah-chocolate-factory." Simplicity sells. Remember how Bush '04 triumped with that nursery-fit ad campaign, "Flip-Flop/Botox/Kerry's Wife's A Bitch!"?

The Democrats need to pound home the message that the whole GOP is one giant orgy of Moonie-financed man-on-man conservative action. Let's hear it on radio, TV, around the water cooler, in speeches and in jokes:

Q: Knock, knock

A: Who's there?

Q: The president

A: The president who?

Q: The president who likes to have sex with other men, provided they are bearded and oil-rich

We have the truth on our side - this is the gayest administration since Coolidge! For instance, they allowed a former male hustler into the White House repeatedly without ever verifying his measurements. Yes - a gay prostitute in the same building where our finest presidents did it with underlings! Explain that to Bubba T. Public who pulled the throbbing Republican lever in the simple hope that more Mideasterners would be killed and gay marriage tossed in the doily-bin of history.

That's right, Dems, it's time to take off the gloves and fight rank homophobia with rank homophobia. We can "reframe" gay-bashing on grounds that favor us. Let's start a Dick Cheney stomach-pump rumor. Let's call Laura Bush, Lynne Cheney and Condoleeza Rice "Texas oil-and-gas hags." Let's say to our friends across the aisle, "We'll come up with a response to your Social Security plan when you come up with an energy policy that doesn't involve dirty butt-sex with Arab royals. Deal?"

Or you can stand by your "principles", stay on the defensive and wait for Americans to "get over" their centuries-old aversion to homosexuals outside sitcoms and Super Cuts. Until then, the Republicans are here, they're scarily dominant and you'll just have to get used to it.

To paraphrase a famous gay icon, I've got all my life to live and so much advice to give. My cell is waiting for your beep, gents.

Out Of Italy; Pope Fans

On Monday I returned from my Roman sojourn with a heart full of memories, a stomach full of pasta and a head full of ecclesiastical cant. Or something like that. Now that I'm back, I'd like to first thank the Vatican staff for being so cooperative; there probably hasn't been a host as accomodating since Paula Abdul. In fact, everyone in town was totally cool. They call it Vatican City, but for me, this was the true "Magic Kingdom" - with extra props for not having John Paul embalmed or frozen.

But beyond the momentousness of this papal transition, I think what I appreciated most were the regular people I met along the way. Having spent a fair chunk of my pseudo-adulthood in the secular/Satanic world of Hollywood, it was refreshing to be among folks whose lives are grounded in sincere faith. Foremost among them were two young men who traveled thousands of miles to witness the new Pope's official start.



Rick Boitan, 25, and Dave Boyer, 34, are probably the biggest Pope fans you could ever meet. Only the Vatican itself holds more papal memorabilia than Rick and Dave's bedrooms. Being something of an obsessive collector-type myself, I don't think I really understood the Pope's appeal until I caught up with these two. Luckily, I happened to have a tape recorder on hand to capture this one-of-a-kind outbreak of Benedictine fever:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey guys. Nice costumes.

RICK: Thanks. My mother sewed this for me.

LOMBAIRE FAN: But wait - what's that? A light-saber?

RICK: No! It's a holy cross.

DAVE: Helps us fend off evil.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I'm curious - I see the sleeping bag and all....how long have you been camped out here?

DAVE: Well, the minute we heard a new pope was coming out, we knew we had to be here.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So ever since the smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel?

RICK: No! July '04. The really hardcore fans find out early.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wow, that's a long time. After such a long wait, are you worried that Benedict XVI won't live up to the legacy of John Paul II?

DAVE: No, not at all. I don't really think about whether the new pope will be as good as the last; I'm just pleased that the series will continue.

RICK: Yeah, to the people that criticize, I always say, Let's see you lead a worldwide branch of Christianity! If you can sustain a following like this, then you can complain!

LOMBAIRE FAN: How long have you been fans of the papacy?

RICK: Me? My mother took me to see PJP: II in Seattle when I was just four. I still remember it. Seeing the Popemobile in person - not a scale model - it was awesome. A lot of his pronouncements I didn't really understand but I think I knew even then that the Pope was badass.

DAVE: Of course I'm a little older than Rick so I go back a ways. When the Pope was shot...well, that was a classic moment. It was really like a climactic battle between good and evil, with a young man rising to challenge his Holy Father...the Pope sorta dangling on the precipice......but what do you know? He survives and comes back for the next mass. And eventually they reconcile.

LOMBAIRE FAN: I take it you're really well-versed in Vatican history.

RICK: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with it all, even the old stuff - the pre-encyclicals.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Any favorites?

DAVE: I always thought it was pretty cool when Piux X was canonized. I mean, he's been dead for four decades and suddenly his body is dug up and on open display - what a twist! But that's the beauty of this weird alternate universe St. Peter created.

LOMBAIRE FAN: So how much of your fandom is actually based on your Catholic beliefs?

DAVE: Huh? I'm not Catholic.

RICK: Me neither - I'm Lutheran.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Wait a minute....isn't there a conflict?

RICK: How? We're fans, not followers. You can worship the Pope, without "worshipping" the Pope.

DAVE: Yeah, don't you understand? What are you - a religious bigot?

LOMBAIRE FAN: I've just never heard of this before.

DAVE: Well, I'm sorry. It's ok.....hey Rick, just for fun do you think you could recite the new Pope's opening homily? In Latin?

RICK: Sure. Benedicticus....willrockicus....yourlameassicus.

RICK & DAVE: (high fives)

LOMBAIRE FAN: Nice job. Enjoy the new papacy, gentlemen.

Also Appearing Shortly...



Did Time Retouch Coulter?

And possibly an actual post....

Appearing Shortly.....



Piggy Axed: Obesity Concerns Prompt More Muppet Change

Vati-Spam

LF here - still in Rome, still in a new-pater state of mind. In a few hours, the era of Pope Benedict XVI will officially begin. While Benedict might seem old-fashioned, he has already advanced upon on his successor in at least one respect: he is the first Holy Father with his own e-mail address. Not only can you drop him a line, the new Pope is already messaging members of the Vatican's vast online database. True to form, he is taking an aggressive stance toward the promotion of Catholic ideals....

Dear follower,

In my first remarks to you on Tuesday, I stated that I was "a simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord". This is true. It may sound overly modest but I am just one man, albeit infallible. I can not do this job without the support of each and every one of you. Which is why I ask all Catholics to join with me in a most urgent task: stopping the Jewish filibuster.

Yes, a Jewish filibuster - or as they call it, "Passover" - is scheduled to take place for the next eight days. That's right - just as I prepare to take the reigns as Vicar of Christ, the so-called "Chosen people" will attempt to crowd me out of the media spotlight with matzah balls, ornate tableware and tales of multi-generational oppression. For this reason, Ted Koppel, Wolf Blitzer and many other top TV and print reporters will likely not be in Rome this weekend when I am formally inaugurated as pontiff.

Now, they will say this is all a coincidence, that Passover is always celebrated this time of year. But you and I know the real truth: they're running scared.

The Jews know that, thanks to recent events, the momentum is on our side. Brothers and sisters, people all over the globe have just gotten a good hard look at Catholicism - and they like what they see. We are gaining converts right and left, while their following continues to stagnate - honestly, when was the last time someone saw Moses in an underpass? Frustrated by their minority status, Judaism's more zealous adherents are falling back on the petty obstructionist tactics they've employed since at least 36 AD.

But not every Jew is on the same page as the Jew leadership. Some are on the fence. As such, we have a unique opportunity to influence their decision. Please contact the following Jews and let them know you don't think they should celebrate Passover this year^[*]:

Barry Goldman - Newark New Jersey --- --- ----
Richard Lind - Buffalo, New York --- --- ----
David Lipowicz - Denver, Colorado --- --- ----
Peter Bernman - Boca Raton, Florida --- --- ----
Phyllis Hampton - West Palm Beach, Florida --- --- ----
Ed Mortimer - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --- --- ----
Charlie Hirschberg - Montpelier, Vermont --- --- ----
David Geffen^[**] - Los Angeles, California --- --- ----

And for other ways to help, call this toll-free number:

1-800-STOP-THE-FEAST

Some might think this letter impolitic from a seventy-eight-year-old German man who was briefly a Hitler youth. But I can not let my past guide the Church's future. I was not elected on the fourth ballot by keeping opinions to myself. It is time we Catholics take action and prove to those on the other side that we are still the Holy Roman fighting force we were so many years ago. So let us join hands across this great electronic divide, and unite for victory.

Sincerely,

Pope Benedict XVI

To unsubscribe from the this mailing list, click here: http://www.vatican-va/excommunicateme.com

^[*]Partial list

^[**]Also a Sodomite

Vatican Election: How The Vestment Was Won

For those of us who are now pontifical junkies, this campaign ended just a little too soon. Man, what an education; to think that my prior knowledge of Catholicism derived largely from The Exorcist special edition DVD. But the papal election process is still shrouded in mystery. What drove the hierarchy of this centuries-old institution to go medieval on reform by embracing the Robert Blake-style charisma of "God's Rottweiler", Joseph Ratzinger?

To help us answer that question and more, we're joined by our longtime polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Conclave Analysis at the Brick-Lined Institute, and the author of a recent column, The Cardinals Choose: Who Will The Cardinals Choose?

Thank you for joining us, Bill. I'm really pleased you could once again participate in Lomblog's special election coverage.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: My pleasure, LF. Nothing like an old-fashioned Papist conclave, is there?

LF: There certainly isn't. Now, you've covered a few Vatican elections in your time - were there any surprises here?

WS: No, LF. Ratzinger was the favorite from the start. In fact, some of his opponents said he was so cocky, he almost seemed to be measuring the multi-colored drapes in the Room of Tears.

LF: So Ratzinger was pretty much a lock?

WS: Yes, LF. In fact, based on interviews we conducted with a few dozen cardinals before the conclave, we were able to create this color-coded election forecast:



As you can see, it was an astonishingly accurate projection.

LF: You really nailed it. But why Ratzinger? What put him over?

WS: A few things, LF. Ratzinger always polled well on qualities like "strong leadership" and "cares about cardinals like you". But really the image of strength is what put him over. It was a point his campaign team pounded home with slogans like "Joe Ratzinger - One Tough Cardinal" and "Ratzinger: A Catholic You Don't Want To Cross". The voters simply believed that he would take a firmer stand against sin than any of his competitors.

In other words, it was the values vote.

LF: The values vote?

WS: Yes. Particularly as it relates to sexual matters. One advantage that Cardinal Ratzinger enjoyed was his age. At 78, Ratzinger is not just celibate, he's super-celibate. Under questioning from his colleagues, the Cardinal stated that his last impure thought was during a 1979 Olivia Newton-John special. That's a no-lust record that virtually none of his opponents could match.

LF: Beyond the personalities, who were the swing voting blocs?

WS: Well, LF, there was really only one: Catholics. Fully 100% of the voters participating in the Conclave were Catholic - and we can say that with a level of statistical certainty that is rare in this business.

LF: What kind of Catholics?

WS: Very observant Catholics. Again, 100% of Conclave participants said they attend church on a daily basis, unless they're deathly ill.

LF: And what qualities did they value most in a perspective pontiff?

WS: Above all else: Catholicism. In fact, we tested several noted non-Papists - Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell, the Dalai Lama - against the option "Unnamed male Catholic", and in virtually every instance, the Catholic won big.

LF: That's a high level of devotion.

WS: Yes it is. When you consider that these voters would presumably elevate Mickey Rourke or Joey Buttafuoco before New York's junior senator or a former secretary of state, it really is.

LF: And what kind of Catholicism would they like to see from the new Pope?

WS: Well, there's been a real backlash within the Church against the so-called "cafeteria Catholics" who pick and choose which teachings to obey. The election of Ratzinger is a hearty endorsement of a whole new form of faith.

LF: What form?

WS: The details are still being worked out but the Cardinals are calling it "All-You-Can-Eat Catholicism." Under the Ratzinger reign, the Vatican plans to load up the faithful with extra servings of admonishment, orthodoxy and guilt. In accordance with these policies, the Eucharist will be adjusted slightly. The wine will now approximate a Big Gulp, and the wafers will be super-sized.

LF: If the conservatives won here, who were the losers?

WS: The people who usually lose when the Vatican meets: gays, women, anyone who want the church to move in a more progressive direction. That's not a surprise. The big losers were the Italians. They once had a lock on the papacy, and now they haven't elected a Pope since The Jeffersons were on in prime time. I mean, they can't even win in their home country! The Italian clergy is going to have to do some real soul-searching and message retooling if they ever want to say "Queremos Papa!" again and really mean it.

LF: Speaking of soul-searching, did the impact of the sexual abuse scandals play any role in this contest?

WS: Well, we asked the Cardinals whether the next pope should take a more public stance against pedophilia in the priesthood. Their responses were decidedly non-responsive:

Don't Know 35%
Can't Say 13%
Can't Hear You 11%
What's That? 10%
Coughing Loudly 31%

LF: Very interesting numbers. Excellent analysis as always, Bill.

WS: Thank you, LF. I hope we can meet again before the end of this Pope's natural life.

Vatican Election: All Robed Up

Yes, friends, it's all over but the tears - and endless harangues against abortion and homosexuality. A new pope has been selected. In honor of this occasion, I am officially changing my handle to "Lombaire Fan the First". It's a meaningless title that has no historical precedent, but as they say, "When in Rome..."

That's right, like most of the press, I've been camped out in Vatican City awaiting word from the College of Cardinals. There were a few false alarms on Monday and Tuesday, when what appeared to be puffs of grey smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel, indicating either deadlock or a visit by actor-comedian Tommy Chong. The smoke signals are of course one of the Vatican's oldest traditions, when all ballots are burned to signify a decision - the same process used by the Ohio Elections Board. But at 6:00 PM AD, the result became official:



Taking the balcony to the strains of Tina Turner's "(You're Simply) The Best", Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was made the 265th Pope - and the 264th that most people won't remember too well. He has selected as his moniker "Benedict XVI" - coincidentally, the name of Michael Jackson's youngest son. For the Holy Father-Elect, this is clearly the dream of a lifetime. At 78, he's taking on the arduous task of slowing social progress more than any other pontiff in Vatican history. It's a tall order but he certainly has the credentials and confidence to rise to the occasion.

Coming up: Polling the Papists

Coming Up....



Schwarzenegger Poll Sag

Schmucky Like The Wolf



As you know, Lomblog has never been afraid to take on major figures in the establishment press. We were, for instance, one of the first blogs to expose the family connections that may have aided Access: Hollywood anchor Billy Bush. Which is why we were pleased when the liberal media watchdog site Media Matters zeroed in on some comments by CNN's Wolf Blitzer. It's about time someone picked up our slack.

During coverage of the Pope's funeral, Blitzer opened one segment with this:

BLITZER: -- U.S. Catholics are a diverse group, as illustrated by two of our Crossfire co-hosts, the conservative Robert Novak, the liberal Paul Begala. Both good Catholics -- I don't know "good" Catholics, but both Catholics. I'm sure Bob is a good Catholic, I'm not so sure about Paul Begala.

This drew a sharp response from Begala:

BEGALA: Well, now, who are you to pass moral judgment on my religion, Mr. Blitzer? My goodness gracious.

BLITZER: So you are a good Catholic?

BEGALA: I'm serious, that annoys me. I don't think anybody should presume that a liberal is not a good Catholic.

BLITZER: I was certainly not questioning -- I was only teasing.

BEGALA: Okay.

BLITZER: Don't be so sensitive.

Sadly, this was not an isolated incident. As we poured over CNN transcripts, we learned that Mr. Blitzer has frequently performed on-air more like an office bore than a professional journalist.

Here's a prime example from another interview conducted that same day:

BLITZER: We have now a very special guest, Bishop Alexander Kowalchik of Poland. Bishop Kowalchik was actually mentored by Pope John Paul as a young priest, and he joins us live via satellite from Rome.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Hello, Wolf.

BLITZER: Hello, Bishop, and thank you for speaking to us. It must be quite moving for you to see the intense emotion surrounding the Pope's funeral.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Yes, Wolf. The sheer number of mourners, both average citizens and dignitaries, is overwhelming.

BLITZER: Certainly, Bishop. In fact, I believe I heard that this was the largest gathering of Catholic clergy in one place since the last time Hanson toured.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Huh?

JUDY WOODRUFF: Wolf! Hahahaha.

BLITZER: Nothing, Bishop. Just a little aside for our younger viewers.

Anyway, I figure it was quite emotional for you to see the Pope lying in state.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Yes, it was, Wolf. But I took a certain comfort knowing His Holiness is finally free of the pain and distress that troubled him in his final days. Pope John Paul is now resting peacefully in the arms of Heaven, under the watchful eye of the Blessed Mother. So while his physical form has departed us, his spirit is still very much alive.

BLITZER: That's interesting. I know, watching the Pope all week, I couldn't help but think of an old joke. Do you know it, Bishop?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Uh, I'm not sure.

BLITZER: How do you spot the Polish guy at a funeral home? Bishop?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: Well....I'm not sure.

BLITZER: He's the one pounding on the lid of the casket, shouting "Let me out, I just wanted to lie down for a bit!"

JUDY WOODRUFF: Hahaha - oh Wolf!

BOB NOVAK: Hey O!

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: I'm not sure I find that appropriate.

BLITZER: Lighten up, Bishop. I'm sure the Pope would've laughed.

But on this topic, what would you say is the difference between burying an Italian pope and burying a Polish pope?

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: The difference? I really wouldn't say there is a difference. I think everyone in Rome was always well aware of John Paul's national origin. But he was beloved here as any of the Italian popes that preceded him.

BLITZER: That's interesting. See, I always heard the difference is, When you bury an Italian pope, all the good restaurants close for a day. But when you bury a Polish pope, the service improves.

BISHOP KOWALCHIK: What?

BLITZER: I'm Wolf Blitzer. You're watching CNN. We'll be right back.

E-mail Wolf Blitzer and ask him to stop being such a dick.

Lomblog Anniversary

As mentioned in a previous post, this week marks Lomblog's one-year anniversary on Blogger. Yes, on April 13, 2004, Lomblog debuted and created such a sensation that virtually no other blogger would link to it for fear their own work would pale in comparison. But despite this, LF himself has always been remarkably gracious to his colleages and competitors. Recall these words from a post on the Dan Rather memogate controversy:

The kudos for breaking this story go to the many conservative bloggers who questioned the memos' authenticity just seconds after the original program aired. No one's scoped out a fake that fast since my exclusive "BRITNEY SPEARS: BREASTS NOT REAL" post immediately after the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Nice going, right-wing Internet guys; have another assault weapon on me!

- Rather Duped September 20, 2004

For the rest of the month, particularly when inspiration is running low, we'll look back at other highlights. Unfortunately, most of the April 1974 to April 2004 archives are unavailable except on grainy kinescopes that fetch nearly $10 on e-bay. Moments like the Willie Aames tomahawk incident or the time Drew Barrymore jumped on LF's desk and flashed her penicillin shots are, alas, gone forever - lost in a fire that helped LF finance a new condo. But the memories remain...

To commemorate, vote in this web poll:

Behind The Headlines: FDA Implant Decision

Wednesday, a federal advisory panel recommended the Food & Drug Administration lift the ban on silicone gel breast implants. Given that silicone has previously been linked to numerous health risks, the recommendation may seem like quite a surprise. But has anyone bothered to look at the people who actually make up this panel?



Conflict-of-interest much? When the transcripts of these hearings are finally published, by either the Government Printing Offices or FHM, I hope we learn this was an honest, thorough investigation and not a bureaucratic circle jerk run amuk. Until then, bon appétit, gentlemen.

Coming soon: Should De-Evolution be taught in the classroom?

Back Shortly

Lombaire Fan will be busy the next few days, scouting locations for Lomblog's one-year-anniversary party and paying tribute to the late Johnnie Cochran by trying on gloves in the Rodeo Drive shopping district. But the Lomblog staff does not rest. These are just a few of the stories on tap for next week:

"The Outsourcing of Catholicism: CNN's Lou Dobbs Takes On Latin Mass"

"Jane Fonda Apologizes For Visiting Vietnamese Restaurants"

"The Hammer Drives It In: GOP Leader Tom DeLay Finishes First In Masters Butthole Tournament"

"Greil Marcus' 5,000 Word Essay On Four Notes From The New Springsteen CD"

Until then, enjoy this papal decanter:

The Royal Wedding



Well, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have made it official: even a three-hour funeral mass conducted mostly in Latin gets higher ratings than the second marriage of England's future king. But the long-awaited union of these two adulterous aristocrats was still the subject of much curiosity. Unfortunately, I couldn't go myself; my celebratory kilt was still at the cleaners. But before the wedding, we did speak to Lomblog's official royal watcher, Ronnie Jove Montley. Ronnie is the host of the upcoming syndicated program Access: Buckingham, and a distant relation of both Lord Mountbatton and Lord & Taylor. Here's our conversation:

LOMBAIRE FAN: Ronnie, you've covered the royal family for a long time now. Many people on Saturday will probably think back to the day Prince Charles wed Lady Diana Spencer back in 1981. Can the current royals ever hope to match the excitement of the Charles and Di reign?

RONNIE JOVE MONTLEY: No, LF. Diana was a once-in-a-lifetime figure. She was both good copy and good television. She was glamourous, youthful, lively, elegant, graceful, poised and - sometimes - interesting.

LF: And how does Camilla differ?

RJM: Camilla differs in almost every respect.

LF: Sounds like it'll be a real challenge for royal-watchers like yourself to find things to talk about.

RJM: Certainly. Sometimes it'll be a challenge just keeping our eyes open.

LF: But surely, there will be some continuity. Diana was known for her charity work; won't Camilla - or the Princess-Consort, as she'll be known - carry on in the same vein?

RJM: Yes, LF. I believe that Camilla will be involved in several charities that are near and dear to her. In fact, I believe that over time, the Princess-Consort will emerge as the primary spokesperson for a number of causes, involving people who have been displaced, dispossessed, wounded, injured.

LF: Injured? Like land-mine victims?

RJM: No, LF. Each year, millions of people in Great Britain and throughout the world, are injured - by falling out of the "ugly tree" and hitting every branch on their way down. In everything she does and says - simply by her very being - Camilla will be a champion for these unfortunates.

LF: That doesn't sound like much of a cause.

RJM: Oh but it is. And there'll be other causes.

LF: Such as?

RJM: Well, in addition to her work on behalf of the homely, I believe the Princess-to-be will also advocate for those who have been ostracized, mistreated, beaten --

LF: Beaten? Like political prisoners? Battered wives?

RJM: No, LF. Millions of people, almost from the moment of their birth, are beaten - beaten with an "ugly stick". Beaten, and beaten so severely, it almost hurts to look at them. The Princess-Consort will bring their cause to the forefront because, let's be candid here - she has the kind of face that could stop Big Ben.

LF: That's very cruel.

RJM: Yes, it is cruel, when you consider the plight of those who have both fallen out of an "ugly tree" and been beaten with an "ugly stick", not to mention those who were so ugly at birth, the doctor slapped the mother --

LF: I'm sorry, but I find this very distasteful. Your "reporting" is simply recycling old jokes at the expense of the Princess-Consort! I mean, if Charles loves her, what does it matter what she looks like? And frankly, I don't think Camilla Parker Bowles is really that unattractive.

RJM: Ah. I see what you're saying: put a bag over her head and she's still a monarch, is that it?

LF: I did not say that. You know, you're awfully crude for a man who claims royal lineage.

RJM: Crude? Interesting word for a man who's all but admitted he'd like to trade places with Charles and mount the Windsor hobbyhorse -

LF: Stop putting words in my mouth -

RJM: Sorry. Just feel the need to liven things up around here.

LF: Understandable. Now, before we wrap up, can you explain to us why Camilla will be called the Princess-Consort? Why has she taken that title?

RJM: It's because of the controversy surrounding these two. Many Britons are uncomfortable with the idea that a divorcée who played a role in the break-up of the Prince's last marriage could someday be queen. Of course, there were other titles she considered. Such as "the Princess-Escort" and "the Princess-F*#@-Buddy". And this was not completely one-sided. Prince Charles also considered changing his title.

LF: Really? To what?

RJM: The Prince-Tampax.

LF: Honestly?

RJM: Yes. You may remember the controversy some years back in which secretly taped phone conversations revealed that the Prince would like to be reincarnated as Camilla's tampon. Calling himself "the Prince-Tampax of Wales" was just the kind of sentimental gesture you'd expect from a man so clearly besotted with his new bride. Fortunately, he was talked out of it.

LF: By the Queen?

RJM: No - by the Buckingham legal team. British libel and slander laws are very strict, you know.

LF: I'm not sure I understand.

RJM: Well, there was concern that a major tampon-manufacturer would feel itself slandered by an association with the British royal family.

LF: Thank you for clearing that up. Just out of curiosity, where do you go from here?

RJM: Believe it or not, I'll be following Prince Harry to a NASCAR rally in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Should be interesting, as I hear he's romancing the daughter of former white supremacist leader Tom Metzger. Oh, and though it's a bit outside my purview, I'm also heading to Monaco in the hopes that Prince Albert starts dating someone sightly.

LF: Thank you, Ronnie. I hope you'll find time to chat with us again. Until then, happy royal-watching!

Who Will Follow?

The big news this week is undoubtedly the death of Pope John Paul II. In Rome, thousands of mourners have gathered at St. Peter's Basilica for a chance to pay final respects and be interviewed by CNN's Anderson Cooper. It is impossible to not be moved by this procession. Of course, I didn't always see eye to eye with the pontiff; we disagreed on issues like abortion, the death penalty, gay marriage and the papal doctrine of infallibility. But I certainly admired his gusto, and even as a non-Catholic, felt a special kinship. When you consider the Pope's outspoken stance against the degradations of modern society, as conveyed in lengthy encyclicals which even his supposed followers didn't read, I think it's fair to dub him "World's Most Exalted Blogger."

As the affection for John Paul pours in from people of all faiths, it's shocking to consider that just a few decades ago Catholics were the subject of vicious slurs, even hate speak. In less enlightened quarters, Catholicism was portrayed as a sinister "cult" within Christianity; the Pope himself called a "spawn of Satan". Fortunately, that kind of bigotry is mostly behind us now. Today, the Church is far more synonymous with ritual child sex abuse and systemic cover-up. You've come a long way, baby!

So the question now is, What's next? Where does the Catholic flock go from here, and who will lead them? Luckily, I happen to have a close friend who works inside the Vatican and is privy to confidential discussions among Rome's elite clergy. Here's an e-mail I received from him today:

LF,

You and your readers may be aware that the College of Cardinals have selected April 18 as the date in which a new pope will be selected. But from what I'm hearing, the announcement could be quite anti-climactic. That's because one candidate has leapfrogged over all others, partly on the basis of his closeness to the deceased. He is perhaps the only possible replacement who can match John Paul's rock-star charisma and fervent world following. He is a man of proven compassion and deep spiritual faith. Alone among the potential pontiffs, he brings the promise of energy, youth and above all, constant media attention.

Catholics far and wide, meet your new Holy Father:



You could say this is a real "Hail Mary pass" by the Cardinals. But the many potential upsides far outweigh the down. In contrast to the current church leadership - seen as archaic and stuck in its ways - Bono is a master at reinventing himself. It's a trait that's enabled him to stay relevant long past the likes of Simple Minds' Jim Kerr or that other mullet-wearing guy who sang for the Alarm.

While John Paul II was the most well-traveled pope in history, Bono is even more well-traveled. He has shown the ability to lift the spirits of the downtrodden the world over, whether they inhabit rundown huts in North Africa or the studio audience of Saturday Night Live. His way with a romantic ballad and unvarnished masculinity will also help the Church recover some heterosexual bona fides lost in the recent molestation scandals.

Of course, this decision is not yet final. There are still kinks to be worked out. Bono is not actually Catholic, nor does he speak Italian. If he accepts, he will have to slightly reduce the size of his personal entourage and cutback on outside projects. Moreover, as a long-term member of one of the world's most successful rock bands, the projected pope no doubt has much to atone for, such as wearing leather pants at Live Aid and the Village People crap in that late Nineties video. I won't say Pop was as bad as the Crusades, but man, what a stinker.

Would the papacy of Bono I be traditionalist or reformist? His lyrics might give some clue but it probably depends on how heavily Brian Eno is involved in the production of Mass.

Lastly, there is a chance that Bono could turn down this high honor. Leading the world's largest Christian denomination is an even more high-pressure gig than heading the World Bank or advertising iPods. But the man has never been known to shrink from a stage.

Everyone at the Vatican can only hope that when the offer is finally made, Bono's response goes something like this:

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

Why I Was Away

Well, I'm back. As always after a brief hiatus, I feel the need to explain my absence. No, I haven't "sold out" by turning "pro" or getting married, like some bloggers. But the honeymoon is over. What honeymoon, you ask? The one between Lomblog and the emerging pro-democracy movements of the Middle East.

Let me explain. Shortly after my last post, I headed for Israel with a friend I met at Carrie Fisher's Oscar party - and honestly, I'm just as lucky to have survived that! This guy happened to be an old hand in the LA comedy scene, who had closely followed my work on international issues. After a couple of Mai Tais, the two of us got to talking - seriously - about comedy, as well as the remarkable "winds of change" then sweeping the Mideast landscape. It was only a matter of time before we stumbled upon an idea that coupled both our interests: an all-Islamic improvisational comedy theater, built right in the heart of the Gaza Strip. Or as we came to call it, The Second Settlement. Not one to waste time or frequent-flyer miles, I immediately booked us a flight at LAX.

Those first few days were easily the best part of the trip. In Palestine, we found some major talent: guys like Jimmy Mustafa, "man of a thousand militant voices"; and Khalid Carrell, whose impersonation of Simon Cowell at the Wailing Wall was literally dynamite. But the cast was not yet complete. So we decided to make a brief stop in Beirut, Lebanon which friends informed us was bursting with comedic talent.

Well, the place was bursting alright - with demonstrators. Angry, chanting, utterly humorless demonstrators. It was like the 1960s all over again, without the music, "good vibes" and charmingly scruffy nakedness. We couldn't have lunch in any of the outdoor cafes without some bellicose delinquent screaming slogans at us. Finally, I gently inquired to what was - unhappily for me - an English-speaking dissident: "What's with these protests? I know President Assad is a jerk and all, but you people are carrying on like someone died!" Very, very poor choice of words, especially while standing in a place called Martyr's Square. If only I'd been briefed on the situation beforehand. In any case, I was knocked out cold.

A photographer captured the scene just seconds after my assault:



I did not regain consciousness for another 28 days. It wasn't a really deep coma but I probably caught more z's than an Kenneth Branagh/Emma Thompson film festival. Eventually, I was hooked to a feeding tube. It was an act of compassion that would trigger a nationwide firestorm.

It started when the Lebanese, not wishing to antagonize the US at a particularly sensitive time, issued this photo to prove I was still alive and well:




A backlash quickly followed. In a Muslim culture far more accepting of death than many Westerners', there was outrage that I was being kept alive through artificial means. The anger was compounded by the incredible cost of both the feeding tube and around-the-clock security required for my protection. Within days of the photo's release, crowds began to form outside the hospital. Just under my window they began a loud chant: "Let the American die!" That's when I came to.

Now here I am, with a lot of catching up to do. In my month away from America and Lomblog, I received over a dozen e-mails and letters of concern from friends, family and collection agencies. I also learned that this "friend" and erstwhile business partner had moved into my apartment, supposedly in accordance with requests in my "living will". That will have to be worked out in court.

Until then, I will push for a nationwide "LF's law". Never again should an American's life and livelihood be threatened by Arab "reformers" and their selfish demands for political freedom.

Vengeance will be mine!

Oscar Night



WELL, HERE I AM - back in black-tie for the 77th Annual Academy Awards. Yes, I finally made it off the red carpet and into the Kodak Theater but for the first time in Oscar history the show didn't run long. What a disappointment: no streaking, no political rants, no Italian comics dry-humping the stars and absolutely NO surprises. So tonight, I am in mourning. If I'd seen any of the films nominated or cared about the future of American cinema, I'd be wearing even more black even more stylishly. The last major awards show of this major awards season was duller than watching paint dry on a film cell of an animated short that no one will ever, ever see.
Not even the show's host, Martin Lawrence, could save the telecast with his signature "You ladies need to keep it clean down there" monologue. Old standbys let us down: where was Angelina Jolie to tongue-kiss her brother? Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg to make us feel financially and morally inferior? Sean Penn, Tim Robbins - would it have killed you to put in a few good words for Kim Jong-il? If you expect the scorn of red-staters for as long as Jane Fonda, you can't miss an opportunity like this!

The only thing that livened up the show was news that this year's statuettes would be held in safekeeping at the home of socialite Paris Hilton:



What a great way for Paris to repay her debt to the entertainment community. So far, there are no complaints; Morgan Freeman very graciously accepted a 1979 C-3PO action figure Krazy-Glued to a paperweight early this morning.



Since tonight's ceremony has yet to air in some parts of the world, I'll label this next comment a *SPOILER*:











The emotional high point came near the end, when Clint Eastwood euthanized Martin Scorcese's chances of ever winning the prize for Best Director. Better luck next decade, Marty!

More Oscar coverage tomorrow.....

Coming Up...



Super Bowl Reflections and Hayden Bradford Comes Clean

This Week With Lombaire Fan: Objectivity

A transcript of my Washington-based webcast

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hello there. Before I begin, let me offer a special welcome to all the new viewers watching us for the first time on LiveNudeNThai.com. I understand that site is now broadcasting us - by mistake. Whatever the case, I hope you'll stick around, even after the server problems are worked out.

It's been a busy seven days for both Lomblog and the nation. From time to time, we take a breather from the non-stop hustle-and-bustle of virtual life and look back on the news cycle just passed. Joining us on this week's show is syndicated columnist Hayden Bradford. Hayden's writing appears in over 500 newspapers, nearly a third of which are not owned by his parents.

Hayden, what would you say were the week's key events?

HAYDEN BRADFORD: No question about it - the Iraqi elections on Sunday and the President's speech Wednesday. Between the two of them, the White House has delivered a real one-two punch. Anyone who says that a president's second term is doomed to fail has obviously never met a certain "George W. Bush". (laughs)

LF: That's a very positive review. Very positive. You almost sounds like you're on the White House payroll.

HB: (Laughs) I don't know if you're kidding but I guess I see no need to prove my objectivity by slamming the president. Even many of the war's critics have come around and acknowledged that the liberation of Iraq was a good idea. Why should the press be any different? I mean....didn't you see that shot of the soldier's mother hugging the Iraqi woman?

LF: Yes, I did.

HB: Very moving, wasn't it? You know, sometimes at night, when I can't sleep....I visualize that moment. And then I imagine the president....holding me.....cradling me.....giving me the comfort no woman could ever provide....assuring me the "bad people" are gone and I'm safe....secure...as secure as Social Security after the president's reform proposals are adopted by Congress.

LF: Hayden...you are on the White House payroll, aren't you?

HB: What are you implying? That anyone who speaks positively about the administration is somehow "compromised"? That's a very cynical view. I can assure you, Mr. Fan, I am not for sale. By anyone.

LF: But surely, after recent revelations, you can see how people would be suspicious?

HB: Uh huh....I'm well aware. I can just say for myself, that when I sat down to watch the president's address - on my 32" Sony Trinitron© High Definition television set - I had no intention of writing a puff piece. In fact, even after I downloaded it from iTunes directly to my 20 GB Apple© Ipod, I didn't think it was that great a speech. Only when I watched it again on my Toshiba© DVD Recorder with built-in TiVo© DVR - which, full disclosure, I purchased at BestBuy© (laughs) - did I even begin to comprehend the greatness of this speech. I guess visuals count for a lot.

LF: Wait a minute - what's with the litany of products? You sound like an adman, not a journalist.

HB: (Laughs) I'm sorry - I don't believe I ever called myself a "journalist". Sure, I have press credentials, and I'm often the first person called on at a White House news conference. My nickname within the WH Press Corps is "Fluffer". But I'm not a journalist; I get paid to express opinions. Now maybe some people don't like my opinions, like when I say that George W. Bush is a great leader or Polident® is the only denture-cleaner that will scrub out what brushing misses, but it's my job. I don't think that makes me some kind of sell-out.

LF: Well, judging from tonight, I would say that seems to be what you are.

HB: Pardon? I think someone's a little jealous that no one's ever tried to buy his services.

LF: I think maybe we should end this discussion right now....it feels almost dirty.

HB: Dirty? What brand of deoderant are you using?

LF: Thank you for joining me, Hayden.

HB: You know, if I'd known you were going to question my integrity, I never would've answered that call on my Nokia 6260® Smartphone or driven over here in my 2005 Nissan© Altama - it handles as smoothly as Condoleezza Rice at a confirmation hearing. (Laughs)

LF: Good night.

A Contract With Destiny

Sometimes the news seems too good to be true....but it is true: Martha Stewart is taking over The Apprentice! Yes! Pack your bags, Donald Trump, 'cus --- well, I forget the phrase, but you're not coming back next season. And congrats, Martha. I think later on I'll dip a finger in some ink to symbolize this new berth of liberty. And afterwards, I'll wipe it off on a doily made from your instructions!

This is a truly historic announcement, for at least a couple of reasons. One, ex-cons normally have a hard time finding employment, much less getting to star in a major television series. Second, the selection of a female Apprentice host marks a major step toward equality in America's conception of sleazy billionaires. I only hope Martha doesn't compromise her own unique sense of style and class just to conform to audience expectations.



But probably the biggest kudos must go to NBC itself. That 'ol peacock has a heart of gold - and big brass ones too. With this decision, they are stepping into the void left by organizations like the United Way and Boys Town USA. Giving a former inmate a second chance may not be the most commercially profitable avenue a network can take but it's certainly the most compassionate. I can't wait to see the rest of next year's lineup - Fear Factor hosted by Christian Brando?

Here's an address where you can write to NBC and congratulate them on this decision:

National Broadcasting Company, INC.
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112-0002

Also, ask them why they've never aired my pilot. But don't sound too indignant; one nasty letter from a Lomblogiac gives a bad name to all Lomblogiacs.

As for you, Martha.....well, if I weren't banned from the state of West Virginia for badmouthing John Denver, I'd be waiting at the prison gates ready to drive you to Burbank right now.

Until we meet again,

Lombaire Fan

State Of The Union Wrap



LF here, live from the capitol steps, entrance to the world's greatest deliberative body and namesake of that really lame comedy troupe. In just minutes, the president - and myself - will enter the House chambers. This speech tonight is quite a momentous occasion, probably the defining event of the second Bush term, at least until Tehran is bombed. All members of Congress, the cabinet and the Supreme Court are gathered to listen as the president lays out his agenda for the coming year. Yes, all of Congress, including Senator John Kerry, Mr. Bush's erstwhile opponent. Must be difficult for Kerry as he observes this hallowed ceremony, no doubt thinking what might have been....if only he'd run in the Iraqi elections.

Anyway, the president is entering the building now, to enthusiastic applause from both sides. But especially the Republicans - very enthusiastic. As he makes his way down the aisle, you can see him taken aback by the warmth of this reception.


Whoa, Congressman....is that a gun in your pocket or are you rethinking your position on the Marriage Amendment?! Yes, after Sunday, democracy is bursting out all over.

9:02 - The president has begun his address; he's speaking now about "a privilege we share with newly elected leaders" of Afghanistan, the Ukraine and Iraq - hmm, is he hinting he may have been poisoned? I noticed the aging but thought he'd just quit Grecian.

9:05 - Now he's on to the economy - he calls it "healthy and growing", much like the state of the union, which is "confident and strong." Sounds good - I just hope this doesn't turn out like one of those drug scandals.

9:08 - It's at about this point that the president begins to branch out from predictable platitudes to more ambitious platitudes. "Build a better world for our children and grandchildren". Grandchildren? OH MY GOD, the Bush twins are pregnant! What will we tell the abstinent? And what a place to announce it! I bet some guys in Kid Rock's entourage are very nervous right now.

And back to the economy - the country added "2.3 million new jobs" in the last year alone. Granted, most of that is construction work in Iraq but it's something.

9:12 - More vision: "our economy is held back, by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims". Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just poll-tested lawyer-bashing?

Ah, the domestic policy section. "Safe, clean nuclear energy" - just like the kind Grandma used to make. "America's immigration system is also outdated" - ain't that the truth. I feel my livelihood is directly threatened by today's technosavvy boat people.

9:16 - On to Social Security reform, a centerpiece of the president's second term. He doesn't want to end the program, he wants to "strengthen and save" SS so it'll be there when Dick Cheney retires from evil. As he explained, "people are living longer.....drawing benefits longer" - unless their reserve unit is called up.

Now he's outlining some reform options: "Limit benefits for wealthy retirees". NOOOOOOOOO! I don't want Larry King eating dog food after his next divorce.

Money will be "protected from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement" - what if I want a swinging retirement? "Extend the choice to young Americans" - what if they invest the money in abortion clinics?


9:35 - Morality now. "So many of my generation have returned to faith" - your generation? I think Kirk Cameron led the way.


Many coded appeals to the religious right - I'll check the transcript later to see which parts are spoken in tongue. On a science tangent now - doesn't want "human embryos....grown for body parts". A slap in the face to the rapidly emerging "third thumb" lobby.

9:45 - Solutions for inner-city youth. "Better options than apathy or jail" - yes, oh yes, OH HELL YES! Bush is going to create a reparations fund for African-Americans but allow everyone to invest a portion in the stock market! No....but it's a major urban initiative. And who will take on "gang life" as part of "a broader outreach to at-risk youth"? Laura Bush, because Martha is busy.

9:48 - More domestic policy. Terrorism, his greatest hits: "train more than a half million first responders". Definitely something the Kerry campaign could've used.

Uncharacteristically praising the UN: "United Nations provided technical assistance" in Iraq. Technical assistance - the part of the awards ceremony that never makes it to prime time.

Utopian-speak but still there are villains: "the terrorist Zarquawi recently declared war on.....democracy". Yes, he wants to be Ohio Secretary of State.

More good news. "Palestinians choosing a new direction" - throwing rocks to the right. He's asking Congress to give the Palestinians 350 million dollars - that should be a boon for their film industry, Palewood.

Hasn't forgotten the Axis of Evil: "we must confront regimes that....harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder". OMG, things have gotten so bad, we can't even find the word "destruction"!

9:52 - He's extolling democracy in the Middle East now. Over the weekend, Iraq "elected 275 men and women". I think he's just pointing that out to make the Democrats jealous.

Now he's introducing an Iraqi human rights activist. Wow...this is so inspiring, I almost wish I could lose my voting rights, gain them after two years of mass bloodshed, and then cast a ballot for one of several hundred Muslim splinter parties. Oh, and learn Arabic.

9:55 - "A small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people" - if only we had that same assurance here.

No plans for withdrawl; setting a timetable would "embolden the terrorists". Yes, I'd hate to see how much damage the car bombers could do if they were trying.

9:57 - In four years, we've "seen the unfolding of large events" - Trump wedding? Now quoting FDR....he must be rolling backwards in his grave.

Here comes the close...."Thank you, and may God bless America".

FINAL GRADE: An A+. Perfect. A boffo performance. You'll believe a pig can fly.

The president's speech is hardly over but already I feel freer than ever.

Lomblog Phase 2

Yes, friends, I have returned - relaxed, refreshed and ready to begin a whole new era of Lomblog greatness. Sure, some will question the appropriateness of this occasion, what with the country at war and Martha Stewart still in prison. But as recent events prove, fate hangs all of us by a thread even more slender than Ashlee Simpson's odds of avoiding a desperation Playboy spread. Therefore, I have chosen to resurrect this great American institution one more time before I completely forget my Blogger password. I think the troops and Martha would want it that way.

As you may have guessed, I underwent something of a religious transformation during my off-time. My workaholic ways, producing nearly one new post every two weeks, left me with little time to stop and smell the things that really mattered. Even my closest friends would describe me as "moody" and "uncommunicative", and not in a way that could be construed as "cool". It was only after a chance encounter with a French missionary at a private screening of Hotel Rwanda that I began to realize what a large dimension of life I had missed out on in my constant reach for fame and acceptance. And after she went home with Don Cheadle, I realized even more the depths of my spiritual deprivation. Ouch....the Lord giveth and He taketh away!


Don't worry, I'm won't be using this space to proselytize; my web-referral stats will tell me all I need to know about the final destination of your soul. But I have changed in at least one respect: no longer will I mix the sacred and the profane with so little respect for either. In fact, I killed a piece on the recent Oscar nominations because it contained this graphic:



As someone Jewish once said, "Never again".

For our longtime readers, I can guarantee you Lomblog will quickly return to the kind of fun, wit and deep insight you've come to expect after months of virtual silence. It all begins tomorrow with our special live coverage of the President's State of the Union address. Yes, the State of the Union - after all this time, I can't wait to find out how the country is doing!

Bless you,

LF

Back Momentarily...

Lomblog will resume regular publication shortly, after this word from a brand-new sponsor:

Healing The Divide

Some of you may be wondering what ol' LF has been up to these last few weeks. It just so happens that I've been putting the finishing touches on a very special project. With so much of the country divided these days between red and blue, church and state, Desperate Housewives and desperately seeking a visa, I felt it was time to reach across this great chasm of ours and say, in the eloquent parlance of Vice President Cheney, "Chasm, go f*%# yourself." Because when you get right down to it, despite our many differences, we are all still Americans....for now.

That's why I'm pleased to announce the launch of a publication that I hope will soon become a meeting ground for the ardently faith-based and the rigorously analytical. Whether your muse is Galilieo or the Gospels, Darwin or Dobson, I think you'll find more than a few Good Words in the pages of this new magazine:




For those cynical among you, this is not a crass attempt to exploit an emerging niche market. It is a sincere, good-faith effort to introduce rationality and progress to the the world of those that believe in the Scriptures as literal fact. My contribution to this first issue - an exclusive interview with singer Pat Boone, in which he discusses his attempts to convince the dying Carl Sagan to renounce the Big Bang Theory - is rather small. But if I have played some small role in cooling the flames of national division.....well, I'll feel like I've done a little bit of God's work myself.

Praise the Lord and pass the petri dish - the spirit is with me!

Yasir, We Hardly Knew Ye

Yesterday, a remarkable individual passed away. As one who has championed the cause of Palestinian statehood ever since it was first explained to me, the loss of Yasir Arafat hit me at gut level. Me and the Big Y may not have agreed on every issue - such as the use of terrorism to advance political aims - but he sure had my respect. A larger than life figure, Arafat's passing leaves a void in the Middle East, which can be filled with just so much death and destruction. But it won't be the same without him.

I think all of us will remember where we were and what we were doing when we first heard the news that Yasir was dead. I was driving to a 2 pm showing of Shark Tale. I felt sad - for Mrs. Arafat and the Palestinian people. As sad as I was that day, I was even sadder the second time I learned of his death, three days later. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing; the second and third Arafat "deaths" have kind of blurred together in my mind. Oh! - I was polishing my new end table. And the third time? Well, I'm pretty sure I just had the tv on in the background and wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. "Ho hum, Arafat's dead again" - no, seriously, if I had been watching, I'm sure I would've been very distraught.

So thank you, Yasir, for your steady leadership in times of change. We may not have always agreed with you, or even known whether you were alive or dead, but we always knew where you stood. And for that, you'll always have an uncontested homeland in our hearts.

Election (Very) Post-Mortem

Your old friend LF here, returning from my five-day post-election bender. Right now I'm feeling as hungover and weathered as Yasir Arafat's head-dress. And let's face it, the chances of either of us being seen on White House grounds again are looking pretty slim. But I did manage to file one more report from the campaign trail Tuesday evening. Of course, it was based on preliminary exit polls that later proved inaccurate, so I've had to make a few minor revisions....

Well, the people have spoken and it appears they've said a resounding no to four more years of President George W. Bush Senator John F. Kerry. Though he campaigned energetically to the end, Bush Kerry wasn't able to overcome the rising tide of voter anger contentment. Americans were in a mood for change, not more of the same, and ready to turn the page on a blind eye toward chronic job losses, out-of-control deficits, chaos in Iraq and the shame not-so-big-deal of Abu Gharib. With all the mechanisms of power at his disposal, Bush Kerry finally couldn't defeat an ironclad rule of all re-election races: results do don't matter.

The outcome was tight and long in doubt, but events at campaign's close likely tipped the balance. When Osama Bin-Laden reappeared on videotape just three days before the election, it highlighted the fact that after four years as president twenty years in the Senate, Bush Kerry had failed to make America safer by capturing the terrorist mastermind responsible for 9-11. Nor had he spelled out a vision for a potential second term presidency beyond more large tax cuts for the wealthy middle class, lawyer - CEO bashing and embracing opposing the religious right's cultural agenda. Instead he waged a campaign of fear: fear of Kerry Bush, fear of terrorism a possible draft and fear of a "flip-flopping" "Massachusetts liberal" "reckless, arrogant" Republican incumbency. Probably the campaign's pivot point was the first debate, where in contrast to Mr. Kerry's Bush's poised, confident performance, Bush Kerry seemed flustered, defensive, reduced to the tedious recitation of a single catchphrase: "It's hard work" "I have a plan". From then on, it was straight downhill.

The election may have turned on negative feelings about Mr. Bush Kerry and concerns about the nation's direction, but with a brand-new old chief executive committed to making a fresh start hell, there are reasons to be cautiously delusionally optimistic. Kerry Bush is, after all, an authentic war hero president who understands undermines the combat experience. During his political career, he's demonstrated a willingness to work with smear politicians from both sides, such as Senator John McCain of Arizona. As a senator president, the environment has always been a high low priority for him. He's committed to advancing opposing scientific research. Having traveled the world since he was a youth fifty-five-year-old, President Kerry Bush can perhaps repair completely destroy our fractured global alliances. Yes, now's the time for all Americans white evangelical Christians and voters earning over $100,000 a year to get behind their leader. Certainly, he will need all the help he can get, as he faces a hostile lapdog Congress and several difficult challenges consonants.

So congratulations, President-Elect Kerry President Bush on your remarkable victory. You truly have a mandate for sweeping change banning gay marriage. As a wise man once said, "Bring it on!" "Mission accomplished!"

Election Night

Well, it's election night in these United States and you can feel the tension in the air. The results are just now trickling in, but here at Lomblog we are absolutely commited to not declaring a winner until all the votes are counted. Which means we should be able to project a victor by March 7, 2006. Still, we come prepared.

If Senator Kerry wins tonight, you'll see a graphic much like this one:




But if President Bush gets four more years, this is what you might see:




More to come...

Breaking My Silence

If you've e-mailed recently, you probably know I've spent most of the past week in seclusion. And even after recovering my apartment keys, I remained in seclusion. You see, some vicious rumors about yours truly have been circulating across the Internet - charges so tawdry and sordid, even I wouldn't forward them. This has been an extremely painful time, not only for myself, but for all members of my family that still speak to me. So let me take this opportunity to once and for all clear the air.

The job of writing America's #4,323-rated public affairs blog on an almost weekly basis is a difficult one. In an effort to beef up my staff, I interviewed, via webcam, a few applicants for the position of Lomblog executive editor. During one of these conversations, I apparently left the cam on before I had completely changed out of my Spider Man pajamas. Because the camera was fuzzy and I happened to be eating a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the same time...well, evidently this constitutes sexual harrassment in certain jurisdictions. Needless to say, I am completely innocent of these vile accusations. I will continue to fight these smears for as long as it takes to clear my name, or until an incriminating screenshot has been posted or broadcast on a major network.

On advice from my attorney, I'm trying to remain mum on specifics. But let me state the following:

• I've never so much as passed a falafel stand, much less used one with impure intent

• If I ever sat on a battery-powered device, it was entirely by mistake

• I've never used my position to curry sexual favors. In fact, the thought never occurred to me until just now

Like any public figure, I am a target. Every week, but especially around the first of the month, I receive letters from people trying to extort money from me. This is the price I pay for speaking out. Luckily, I do have a very loyal fan base. I want to thank all of you for continuing to stand by me, especially those that bought my newest publication, Playa Out: LF's Handbook For Abstinent Teens. Your support has not just moved me, it's made me a better man.

Ok, enough said. Join us next week when Paris Hilton enters the No-Crap-Zone; I'll ask if her parents are happy they raised such a no-talent skank. See you then.

Anyone for some Greek?

Charting the Undecideds

The 2004 campaign has now entered the home stretch. In a little more than two weeks, we will know which candidate has been fraudulently elected president of the United States. But for now, there are still many Americans who have yet to decide whether Bush or Kerry should spend the next four years in the White House or wasting away in a drunken, urine-soaked stupor. In our latest Cheese Or Lose Special Report, we zero in on some of the critical swing voting blocs that could determine this election.

Joining us once again is our resident polling expert, William Sliender. Bill is a Senior Fellow of Self-Evident Debate Analysis at the Bricklined Institute, a Washington-based think tank. His recent column, Debate Winner: Did The Debates Produce A Winner?, appeared in over 500 newspapers and 200 internets. Here's our discussion of his latest findings.

LOMBAIRE FAN: Hey Bill, good to see you again.

WILLIAM SLIENDER: Great to be back, LF. It's really getting down to the wire --- or should I say, "down to the wire"?

LF: It certainly is. Tell us about the voters you talked to.

WS: Well, as you know, in every election, there are certain key undecided voting groups that everyone agrees will be decisive - that is, if they decide to decide. In past years, we've had "soccer moms", "NASCAR dads", and "MILFs". Well, the focus groups we assembled to watch Wednesday night's final debate were broken down into representative samples of constituencies that both candidates must woo to be successful. That is, to succeed in winning the election.

LF: And what was your approach to interviewing them?

WS: Well, each member of our groups were given electronic instruments - instruments with a safety margin of plus or minus 100%. Through this, we were able to instantly record, in chart form, voter response to the debate. And as you'll see, each chart contains two lines - one for each candidate. These lines go up; they also go down. Down means the voters didn't like what they were hearing, up means they did. And to avoid any further confusion, we've chosen entirely different colors for both nominees. So the yellow line represents Senator Kerry, while the white lines - as in his party days - belong to the president.

LF: So tell us about the first group.

WS: Well, as you know, LF, health care is a very important issue in this campaign. So we wanted to test the reaction of some would-be voters who are perhaps closest to the American medical system: hospital patients who are currently unconscious and being kept alive via respirator. There are thousands of comatose voters in battleground states across this country who could make all the difference if they awake before Election Day and turn out at the polls. Using a cardiograph, this is the result we captured:




As you can see, not a lot of movement. For all the talk of stem cell research, medical malpractice and the like, these voters just didn't budge. What will it take to engage them? Who knows? We thought we saw a bit of a blip when the president raised his voice and pounded the podium a few times, but alas, nothing. On the other hand, the Kerry campaign will point to this group's constant somnolence as further evidence the Senator is a reassuring figure who doesn't "alarm" voters. So basically a wash. Looks like this is one bloc of undecideds that both campaigns might as well just write off.

LF: Very interesting. Are there any voters who are surprisingly undecided?

WS: Yes, LF - the media. That's right, the media. Many people assume that all journalists secretly carry a partisan axe but in fact, several prominent newsmen have not yet picked a candidate. Take Fox News' Bill O'Reilly. Though he works for a network known for its conservative leanings, O'Reilly professes to be undecided. Moreover, on the day of the final debate, Bill was slapped with a multimillion dollar sexual harrassment lawsuit. So it's safe to say he had a lot on his mind. But with the help of a female Fox News producer who covertly attached a blood-pressure meter to Mr. O'Reilly's person, we were able to catch his response to the debate as it happened:




Lots of up-and-down movement, as you would expect from O'Reilly. As you can see, his interest peaked early on, when President Bush referenced prostitution. Other Bush answers that resonated with O'Reilly included the president's discussion of the so-called "back-door draft" and a mention of Bangor, Maine that the anchorman may have misinterpreted. Kerry's best moment, from the O'Reilly perspective, came when he mentioned Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. But President Bush topped even that by talking about his own college-aged daughters. In fact, just about any mention of "Bush" or "daughters" seemed to play well with the New York-based broadcaster. I think everyone at our polling unit would agree that despite his protestations to the contrary, Bill O'Reilly is definitely leaning in the president's direction - and leaning pretty hard.

LF: What about the gay community? Any undecideds there?

WS: Certainly. At a Seattle tavern, we assembled a group of over 200 uncommitted lesbians - purely for research purposes. How did they react to the debate?




As you can see, very tight race. In fact, neither candidate scored as well as they did in the last debate, when both mentioned timber. If I can offer a little bit of advice to both men, it's that they're going to have to work awfully hard to reach that lesbian vote, if they don't want to go home on Tuesday November 2 feeling the cold slap of rejection.

LF: Lesbians, the comatose, Bill O'Reilly - who could be left?

WS: Well, our next group was arranged just for a bit of fun. In every campaign, there's much discussion of children, families and the American future. So we played the debate for gaggle of toddlers in Des Moines, Iowa. We actually found them less demanding than your typical undecided voter. And their response to the debate was quite sophisticated:




Is it a bunny? A kitten? Some kind of giant mouse? Hard to tell. In fact, that's all that you can say about who's winning this race: it's just too hard to tell.

LF: Thank you, Bill. Insightful as always.

WS: My pleasure. In fact, the pleasure is mine.

VP Debate: Number 2's Throw Down

If you thought the presidential debate was exciting, then you must have been really riveted by last night's prime-time duel between John "Pretty Boy" Edwards and Dick "Dickie Boy" Cheney. The atmosphere within that Cleveland auditorium was electric. Everyone gathered knew that in a close race like this, even a debate between second-stringers could have.....marginal impact at best. With stakes that high, Cheney and Edwards had clearly left the boxing gloves in an undisclosed location. Just seconds after the handshake and huddle, they got down to some of the nastiest political action Ohio's seen since Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati.

After the first Bush-Kerry debate, much comment was made on the body language of the two candidates. Well, this debate also had some interesting body language, but unfortunately, most of it took place off-camera. Good thing I took notes:




Yes, there was a chill in the air, and not just from Second Lady Lynne Cheney as she eyed me draining my Slurpee. These two guys really don't like each other. The hostility was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, then spend the rest of your life at Guantanamo. Cheney sought to portray Edwards as an inexperienced, undistinguished first-term senator who flip-flops on major issues. Meanwhile, Edwards portrayed Cheney as a dishonest, ultra-conservative corporate criminal whose only saving grace is his Sapphic daughter. How refreshing. Voters who complain about choosing "the lesser of two evils" would have no trouble finding truly great evil on display here.

Not that the two men didn't demonstrate any positive qualities. In contrast to the president, VP Cheney showed an astonishing command of the facts, especially considering that so little of what he said was factual. The North Carolina senator, on the other hand, was a study in all-American telegenic star power, every bit as boyishly charming as in his days playing "John-Boy" on The Waltons. I'm glad he's had the mole taken in a little. The only downside is that Edwards may have seemed a little too young, a little too fresh, maybe coming off as something of a lightweight. Not a problem for Cheney, who once again showed that he is a major Dick. A highly accomplished, very experienced, gravitas-laden, bigtime Dick.

The fact that Cheney and Edwards debated while seated at a table rather than standing behind podiums probably worked to the Republican's advantage as well. Edwards had to have it in the back of his mind that at any moment, Cheney could reach over, rip his heart through his chest and devour it with a plate of lima beans. Of course, the highly disciplined GOPer knew this would have been terribly "off-message", though admittedly very tasty.

Still, there were gaffes. The most notable came when Edwards attacked Cheney for his stewardship of the controversial Halliburton oil company, and Cheney responded by telling viewers to get the "real story" at "factcheck.com"; the actual address is factcheck.org. Oops! I have to confess the Vice-President isn't the only one with a little egg on his face. I guess I wasn't listening closely enough, but I could've sworn the words in question were not "fact check" but well....something kinda similar. Before I learned the truth, I'd already spent several hours paging through sites like this:




I won't lie: I was really befuddled by this mixup. I didn't get it - was the Vice President saying he couldn't have been aware of Halliburton's crimes because he was too busy "chubby-chasing" around the office? This from an administration that promised a "change in tone" from the Clinton years.

Finally, the debate ended up as more or less a draw. Both candidates achieved their goals. Cheney proved he could sit for 90 minutes without keeling over. And Edwards went head-to-head with the most powerful vice-president in history - a feat that certainly qualifies him to take on terrorists with only slightly less personal charm.

Bring on the next debate!

Debate Aftermath

Ye olde devoted reader(s), oh how I've missed you! I'm now back from three days of detainment in Coral Gables, Florida - site of the first presidential debate and by strange coincidence, the latest federally designated disaster area. Since the Bush-Kerry face-off Thursday night, initial impressions have gelled and then hardened - and as you know, it's hard work getting impressions to harden. Who won? Well, I had seats close to the stage, so I was a bit distracted by Mrs. Heinz-Kerry's constant snuff-chewing. But most polling has given Massachusetts' junior senator a discernable "bounce". And for the Kerry campaign, this has to be the biggest break since TBS stopped showing Munsters reruns.

Most experts and many viewers seem to believe the Senator came off more "presidential" than the president. But I believe there was an extra dimension to Mr. Bush's performance - in fact, he was downright "presi-dimensional". Yes, there's probably never been a greater display of presi-dimensia in all of American political history.

How did the president do? Almost from the beginning it seemed like he was on the defensive, displaying the body language of Bambi's mom after hearing the hunters approach:




Still, he wasted no time reminding the audience of his major accomplishment: holding office through a succession of tragedies. Terrorism dominated the discussion; an apt subject matter, given gaps in Bush's 90-second responses large enough to drive a truck bomb through. Let's hope our public transportation is less vulnerable to derailment than the president's train of thought.

The candidates went back and forth on the Iraq war. Kerry argued that the president failed to build a broad international coalition, relying largely on the help of Great Britain and Australia. To which the president interjected: "Actually, you forgot Poland." Now, under the rules, the candidates were not allowed to question each other directly. Too bad, as it would've been interesting to see Kerry ask, "Mr. President, exactly how many Poles does it take to help us in Iraq?" (Answer: thirty to guard the oil in the pipeline, forty to keep the others from huffing it).

I can't wait for the next debate on Friday, and neither can the people of Florida, who are anxious to learn which candidate is a strong, decisive leader that will help reconstruct their porch.

Axis of Easy Listening

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Yusef Islam, nèe Cat Stevens, has been denied entry to the US after being placed on a "watch list" of possible terrorism suspects. Naturally, as both a fan and friend of Yusef's, I found this incident shocking. Can you believe people still remember Cat Stevens?! Last time I was in an airport, I couldn't even place which member of the Thompson Twins was handling my luggage! How embarrassing. I guess if changing your name, converting to Islam and supporting the Rushdie fatwa doesn't drive away the fans, nothing will.

This shouldn't have come as such as surprise though. A few commentators have noted the irony of hassling a Seventies folk-pop icon while Osama Bin Laden himself continues to ride through the desert on a horse with no name. But in fact, the FBI has been taking a hardline on soft rock for a number of years now, as demonstrated by this internal document recently obtained by Lomblog:




So far, they've busted up some K-Tel Mellow Gold training cells in Southern California, but The Eagles Greatest Hits remains a top-seller. Then there are the new wave of threats posed by artists like John Mayer and Norah Jones. Look for another round of red alerts when the Grammy nominations are announced early next year.

I wish I could say Cat's saga inspired me to start a crusade against the racial profiling of Muslims, but mostly I've just been listening to the audio track of my Harold And Maude DVD.

Unboarding the peace train,
LF

Memo To CBS: Stop The Lies

Now that Rathergate has seemingly run its course, much of the blogger hierarchy is taking a well-deserved victory lap. And we all know what happens when bloggers celebrate - Blockbuster has a run on hentai. But as much as I'd like to join the party, I just can't. Not when CBS continues to mislead the public.

Last night, I caught a few minutes of the travesty the network dubs its "top-rated sitcom":




No, that title is not a forgery; the series is actually called Everybody Loves Raymond. You'd think CBS would know by now not to make such bold claims until all the evidence has been substantiated. But apparently not. I guess the boys in the network brass find fakery acceptable as long as it contains a laugh track.

Once again, we are left with a series of unsettled and unsettling questions. How did the voices of dissent fall through the cracks - specifically, those that like Raymond but find his delivery mildly irritating? Or people without cable who merely tolerate Raymond because the only alternative is football. Did anyone at the Big Eye take the time to interview them? What about the millions unamused by observational comedy about family life? How about viewers that enjoy Raymond, but find the performances of Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle "too schticky"? Until CBS names its sources for Everybody and verifies the claim that they "love" Raymond, I will make this my personal hobby horse even if it results in only a miniscule increase of daily traffic.

Giddy up! Ol' LF is riding this one right into bigtime bloggerville!